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The Avengers Audiolog

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Cover Art provided by SomethingIncorporeal.

The Avengers Audiolog


      SomethingIncorporeal, Silkylustre


      The Avengers


      General Audiences

      No Warnings Apply

Streaming Audio

      11 MB |

    Listen with headphones for the best experience.


~…JARVIS record LogOn Iron Man | mumbling in the background | … no, Bruce, I’m telling you, this is perfect idea. With half of us scattered around the globe doing things like taking out the world’s intelligence apparatus and fighting big ugly ass invading spaceships, we totally need communal communication! It’ll be like Vines, only longer and better… | more mumbling | …what do you mean, you have nothing to talk about? What about the power of Zen? Seriously, you’ll figure something out. Anyway, ok guys, listen up, this is the first entry of the official – and utterly unhackable, I promise – Avengers’ Audiolog. And of course I get to go first because I had the genius idea to set this up. You can leave recorded messages – long or short – so everyone can keep track of what they others have been up to. I’ve already uploaded the app with your voice imprinted accounts to your Starkphones and miscellaneous communication devices: you can call it up by asking for ‘Avengers’ Audiolog’ and access your account by saying ‘LogOn_Codename’ to record stuff and browse the log. If you want to leave a message for a specific team mate, start it with ‘@Codename’ and they’ll get a ping. Got it? Alright, so I’ve been busy trying to stabilize transient photon arcs in a non-superconductive environment and… no Bruce this is totally going to work, JARVIS patch me into the… *this file contains another 21 h 37 mins of Audio material, please confirm to continue*~

~LogOn Black Widow: Stark, if you use my biometric profile to install unauthorized software on my tech one more time without telling me, I will murder you in your sleep.~

~LogOn Mod: @BlackWidow This is SI Chief of Security Maria Hill. Ms Romanoff, please be advised that all your devices have been flagged for explicit personal authorization concerning all non-security-essential updates, modifications and settings, effective immediately. Also, could you please not issue any death threats to Mr. Stark, even insincere threats get flagged in the internal security review and it makes my analyst minions rattle around in their cubicles like a flock of geese. I'm not even joking, I recorded it, you can check the files if you like. And it generates paperwork. You remember how I feel about paperwork?~

~LogOn Black Widow: Thank you for your prompt action Ms. Hill. It was not an insincere threat, but I will keep your request in mind. I guess Stark just won’t see me coming next time.~

~LogOn Iron Man: @BlackWidow Pshhht… I would so see you coming,… well, JARVIS certainly would, wouldn’t you? *Sir, according to my calculations there is a 7.3% probability that Ms. Romanoff would be able to bypass all security measures in the Tower without detection.* Wait what? That can’t be right, show me those… well, shit we need to beef up right now *this file contains another 5 h 19 mins of Audio material, please confirm to continue*~

~LOGON THOR: GREETINGS, my swordbrothers and swordsisters. I have just found out about this marvellous app of yours, Friend Stark, to connect us via spoken messages that can be longer than mere texts and let me express my content to you all. I have great tidings to spread indeed, for I am staying on your lovely world to be with my fair Lady Jane and have therefore acquired a humble abode in these parts you call London. I would be very pleased if you did me the honour of being guests in my new hall very soon, if you may and… | sounds of phone being wrestled away | Come on Thor, you’re being way to indirect with this – hey, this is Darcy by the way, Jane’s intern with an intern, I mean, erm research associate, anyway, what Thor wanted to say really is that we’re throwing a housewarming party for him at his new digs in three weeks and everyone better pile up in Stark’s private jet and fly over for an epic time, you guys. Sound good? Oh, it’s going to be so much fun! See you there!~

~LogOn Iron Man: So how come that I do something brilliant out of sheer kindness and people repay me with death threats and by volunteering my company assets for joyrides without asking first? I feel picked on.~

~LogOn The Hulk: For the last time, Tony, let the record show that I’m not that kind of doctor. And you offer up your company assets for joyrides all the time.~

~LogOn Iron Man: Well, it’s different when I do it myself, now, is it?~

~LogOn Captain America: | rustling of papers | Uhm, hey guys, I guess, this is Steve. I’m… still on the road with Sam, following leads, but I wanted to check in, let you all know that I’m fine. I’m very happy for you, Thor, though I don’t know if I’ll make it to the housewarming party. If I don’t, please give Jane and Ms Darcy all my best. Nat, just… thank you again for your help, even though you had your doubts. The intel is solid and… | deep breath after a moment of silence | …I’m working on it. For the moment, that’s all the news I have. Take care everyone.~

~LogOn Iron Man: Well, well, Cap, that shit wasn’t cryptic at all.~

~LogOn Hawkeye: Damn, look here, a guy goes radio silent for a month or two to make life very unpleasant for a small West-African dictatorship and you lot go and break the intelligence apparatus of the world. Nice going there, Cap, but did anyone bother to think where our pay-checks will be coming from now or that certain guys would be stuck in fucking Mombasa with their cover-IDs dumped all over the internet and just enough cash left to buy a shitty adapter for that Starkpho… that doesn’t charge right hal…he time? | sounds of corrupted signal | So… if someon… could point that Starkjet… my way any time before that pissed off warlor… picks up my trail. That’d be much appreciated. Hawkeye out, fuckers.~

~LogOn Iron Man: Hey, I didn’t do any breaking of anything this time, I was a red dot on a map with a great many red dots and I still feel vaguely insulted by the implication that I’m one of the sweaty masses. I mean, come on, the least they could have tried to take me out with my own personal predator drone. No, Bruce, I’m not being supercilious, I’m just talking about proportionality here *this file contains another 3 h 42 mins of Audio material, please confirm to continue*~

~LogOn Stark Industries CEO Override: Clint, this is Pepper, please don’t worry. I’ve sent a team to pick you up, Miss Hill will be in contact with you shortly. Also please note, everyone, that Tony is banned from this platform until he quits whining and learns how to log-out. Please support this educational moment by not letting him log in via any of your accounts. Ladies, are we still on for Girls Night on Thursday?~

~LogOn: Authorization denied *Sir, I am sorry, but your account has been suspended until further notice. On orders from Miss Potts’ office. I’m afraid I can’t do that, Sir.*