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(not Artificial) Intelligence

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Clint stood in front of the refrigerator, holding the door open. “Hey Jarvis, you do the grocery shopping, right?”

“No, sir.”

“Right, not like that, but you do the Peapod thing. Why no strawberries?”

“There are persons in the household with allergies, Agent Barton. Mangoes are also excluded from standard incoming commodities.”

“But there’s strawberry yogurt in here all the damn time. Except of course, for right now.”

“Miss Potts does not ordinarily eat that style of style yogurt, sir.”

“Can I over-ride the exclusion?”

“No, Agent Barton, you cannot.”

Clint leaned back and laughed. “Oh, I see where I am in the pecking order. S’Okay, man, I’m with you. I like her better than me, too.”


“Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.”

Clint pulled his feet off the floor, dropping them to the table in front of him as Tony sprawled to peer under him. “And good morning to you, Tony.”

“I’ve got to...”

“Want some help?” Steve asked.

“Pepper. Earring.”

“I have completed your requested scan of the security tapes, sir.”

Tony rocked back on his feet as Clint upended himself to peer under the seat in the corner. “Jarvis, you are my favorite. Haven’t I said that?” he said generally to Steve’s smile and Clint’s butt. “Where is it?”

“The kitchen, sir, probably nearest the window, if my trajectory graphing is accurate.”

“Of course it’s accurate. It’s math. Math is easy...” He trailed off as he disappeared into the kitchen.

Pepper said from the corner, “But apparently jewelry is difficult.”

Tony bounded back into the room, beaming. “Crisis averted. Here I am to save the day!” he sang and Steve blinked in surprised recognition. Tony slid to one knee, grinning up at Pepper. She plucked the hoop from his hand and fastened it while bending down to kiss him on the forehead.

“Best boyfriend ever?” he asked.

“Second best. Jarvis actually found it and you’re the one who borrowed it and forgot to give it back.” She turned and walked away, her heels clicking.

“I’m okay with that, you know!” Tony called after her.


“No, that’s not it. Pull the second set. Overlay. What is that?” Tony poked at the red data line splayed over the blue, or more precisely where they diverged from one another. He scratched the back of his head then tapped the desk in a quick succession.

“The third data set is--” Jarvis interrupted himself. “Scheduled reminder to Mr. Stark, as you have not yet made final approval and authorization on the interior schematics.”

“Pepper’s signed off on those already, right? Just approve whatever she’s approved and turn down whatever --”

“The file has been corrupted, sir. I’m afraid you’ll have to release them manually.”

“Manually? What do I pay you for? Don’t answer that.”

“I wouldn’t dare, sir. Public areas.” Tony let them flash and waved each away with his left hand, staring over his right shoulder at the red and blue lines snaking through the room. He flicked through them quickly, stopping only when he flicked one set three times and it didn’t flash into the ether. “This set is unapproved, sir.” Tony stopped and looked at the plans to his left.

“These are the private areas. Wait, stop, pull up the living quarters, and get rid of the consumption data trends. They’re pissing me off.” He looked from one schematic to the next. “This one. Go back a draft. Another. Empire. When did she change the furnishings from Empire to this? I thought she wanted Empire.”

“She may have modified it to maintain a cohesive --”

“It is Empire, right? With the curves?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Revert to this draft. Insert comment. I like your curves, Pepper. End comment. Send for her re-approval.”

“Very good, sir.”