Actions

Work Header

Sexts from Steve

Work Text:

Tony?

- Steve

 

No, Bruce.

- Bruce

 

Darn it. Sorry, Bruce, but do you have Tony’s number? My phone seems to have switched everyone’s numbers or something. I accidentally texted Natasha with a shopping list request meant for Pepper. I think I’m lucky to be alive.

- Steve

 

Jesus, you really are. I’ll forward it to you now. Thank God you asked who it was first.

- Bruce

 

What do you mean?

- Steve

 

Well... you know. Don’t think I’d have appreciated the sorts of things you and Tony text each other.

- Bruce

 

What, funny anecdotes about kittens?

- Steve

 

I was referring to the inevitable dirty texts you clearly send 24/7, but yeah, the kitten thing would drive me nuts.

- Bruce

 

And then it would be goodbye Colorado.

- Bruce

 

You’re in Colorado?

- Steve

 

Hang on, wait a minute – dirty texts? Do you mean texts about... fondue?

- Steve

 

I’m officially in Idaho right now, but yeah. Took an impromptu holiday. It’s pretty great. And yeah, I mean texts about fondue. Hot, heavy and explicit fondue parties.

- Bruce

 

That is disgusting, Bruce Banner. I would never text Tony about that sort of thing. Do people really do that?

- Steve

 

Oh yeah. Steal Clint’s phone or something and read all his texts from a certain fiery Russian.

- Bruce

 

What?!

- Steve

 

Oops. You didn’t hear it from me.

- Bruce

 

-

 

Hey, Clint. Can I ask you something?

- Steve

 

THIS IS THOR, BUT YES, YOU MAY POSE A QUESTION

- Thor

 

Damn! I really thought I’d got the numbers right this time. It’s OK, don’t worry. I don’t think you’ll know the answer. Thanks, though.

- Steve

 

HO, DO NOT BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE MY MIDGARDIAN KNOWLEDGE, FRIEND STEVE! I HAVE PICKED UP MUCH OF USE DURING MY STAY IN YOUR REALM. WHY, YESTERDAY EVE, FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WAS ABLE TO COOK YOUR FAVOURITE DISH! I BELIEVE YOU HAVE DUBBED IT ‘TOAST’. WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WAS SURELY A FEAST FIT FOR A KING, IF NOT FOR A GOD! INDEED, I ATE FOUR LOAVES!

- Thor

 

This hasn’t really got much to do with toast. It’s more to do with etiquette.

- Steve

 

THEN, BRING FORTH YOUR QUESTION!

- Thor

 

I might pass, actually. Really. Thank you.

- Steve

 

FRIEND STEVE, I WOULD BE HONOURED TO HELP YOU. MY BODY MAY BE IN COLORADO, BUT MY SPIRIT IS ALWAYS WITH MY DEAR FRIENDS. I CONSIDER IT MY DUTY AS YOUR COMRADE TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE. ALSO, THERE WAS THAT TIME MY FATHER THREW ME OUT FOR BEING SELFISH AND I ALMOST CAUSED THE DESTRUCTION OF THREE REALMS. THAT WAS WHAT I BELIEVE YOU WOULD DUB A ‘LEARNING CIRCLE’.

- Thor

 

Learning curve, actually. And you’re in Colorado? That’s a coincidence! Bruce is there too! Have you run into each other?

- Steve

 

PLENTY!

- Thor

 

OH

- Thor

 

NO, NOT AT ALL

- Thor

 

I’m going to ask someone else. I’m also going to ask Coulson if he has any bleach for my brain.

- Steve

 

THAT MAY BE WISE, IN HINDSIGHT. GOOD LUCK, FRIEND!

- Thor

 

-

 

Is this Clint?

- Steve

 

Not even slightly.

- Natasha

 

Oh, for the love... this is getting ridiculous. My phone seems to have been possessed.

- Steve

 

Yes, by the spirit known as ‘Tony’s Boredom Induced Bad Decisions’. It’ll wear off as soon as he ejaculates, probably. Did you need Clint for something?

- Natasha

 

That is the most explicit text I have ever received. I did, actually, although now that I think of it, you may be able to help me.

- Steve

 

Shoot.

- Natasha

 

It’s sort of a delicate subject.

- Steve

 

I’m great with those. Really. Kid gloves and all that. Touch of a woman.

- Natasha

 

It’s about... oh goodness, I don’t even like writing it out.

- Steve

 

Come on, Rogers. Give me more to work with. How much clothing is generally involved?

- Natasha

 

Well, I guess you could do it fully clothed, but

- Steve

 

...?

- Natasha

 

Sorry, just trying to work out a way to word it. Can’t think of anything. OK, just going to type it out. Dirty texting. Oh Jesus. It looks so vulgar.

- Steve

 

You think that’s vulgar? Pickpocket anyone in New York and peek through their inboxes. I guarantee you’ll find something that makes you want to throw up the memories of everyone you’ve ever loved and then curl up into a ball and cry.

- Natasha

 

Is that your opinion on it, then?

- Steve

 

No, but then I’m not an uptight frozen soldier half-virgin from the 1940s.

- Natasha

 

Kid gloves, huh?

- Steve

 

-

 

Please be Tony.

- Steve

 

Speaking.

- Tony

 

Oh, thank the Lord.

- Steve

 

Hey, don’t take Thor’s name in vain like that. Did you want something?

- Tony

 

Oh, ha ha. And yeah. I was kind of hoping maybe

- Steve

 

I may be a genius, my dear, but even I have not yet perfected the art of telepathy. You’ll have to be a little more specific.

- Tony

 

Fuck

- Steve

 

Well, it’s a little more direct than usual, but all right.

- Tony

 

Hello?

- Tony

 

Steve?

- Tony

 

-

 

If this isn’t Clint I am going to shoot myself in the face.

- Steve

 

Woah, hold up there. It’s Clint. Something up?

- Clint

 

No, I usually go around threatening to shoot myself in the face. Of course something’s up!!

- Steve

 

I didn’t know you were fluent in sarcasm. Stark rubbing off on you in more ways than one, huh?

- Clint

 

Sorry. I really could do with some advice.

- Steve

 

Yeah, I got that from the face-shooting thing. What’s up?

- Clint

 

Look, I’m going to have to be frank about it. Bruce said something and it made me think and then I tried to ask Tony about it and ended up making an idiot of myself.

- Steve

 

All right. Spill.

- Clint

 

Well, Bruce mentioned a certain method of texting, intended to... oh, darn it! He talked about dirty texts. There. That’s it.

- Steve

 

Wow. OK. Imagine I’m flying totally blind here, Cap, and have no idea what your views on the subject are. Just imagine that, and talk to me like I have no idea what’s going on.

- Clint

 

OK. Well, obviously, I didn’t really know that it was something that existed, and I certainly haven’t DONE it, but Bruce said it was common and Natasha confirmed it and now I’m wondering if it’s something I should be doing or if it’s as weird and gross as I think it is.

- Steve

 

Clint?

- Steve

 

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Woah. Just absorbing. Hmm. What did Natasha say, exactly?

- Clint

 

Oh, nothing incriminating or anything, just that everyone was doing it. Why? Was she lying?

-Steve

 

No, Jesus, no. Yeah, she and Banner are right, it’s pretty common. It’s not exactly mandatory though. I mean, some people are into it. Others aren’t. It’s cool either way, right?

- Clint

 

But what if Tony’s into it?!?!

- Steve

 

Sorry for the punctuation over-use, I think I lost control of my fingers.

- Steve

 

Well, I wouldn’t know, quite frankly, and if you find out, for the love of Christ don’t tell me because that is something I could live quite happily without knowing. Heck, I’m envisioning my future with a nice picket fence, a wife, two kids and some apple pie. The knowledge of Tony’s sexual fantasies is notably missing from this image. OK?

- Clint

 

OK. But what should I do, Clint? I don’t want to be the boring old fuddy-duddy all the time.

- Steve

 

Well, I guess you could always, y’know, try it. Or not.

- Clint

 

Very helpful.

 - Steve

 

Look, I’m not going to tell you how to make your relationship work. If you want to try it, try it. If the idea of it makes you want to be sick into the nearest lake, then don’t. It’s simple. Really.

- Clint

 

I guess you’re right. Thanks, Clint. It’s just hard sometimes, you know? Everything’s moved on without me. I don’t know how people ARE together any more.

- Steve

 

I’ll figure it out. Thanks.

- Steve

 

No problem. And Steve? I meant it. Don’t tell me how it goes.

- Clint

 

-

 

This is still Tony’s number, right?

- Steve

 

It is. Are you all right? You kind of left me hanging earlier.

- Tony

 

Yeah, sorry. Had a bit of a moment. I’m all right.

- Steve

 

Sure? Because there’s a really comfy couch here with your name on it if you need it.

- Tony

 

It doesn’t actually have your name on it.

- Tony

 

I can get JARVIS to fix that, though. A few lasers here and there, some clever stitching by Pepper as the resident housewife, and that couch will no longer be a metaphor.

- Tony

 

My scintillating wit is legendary, Steve, but I find myself to be fairly tedious conversation without a partner.

- Tony

 

What are you wearing?

- Steve

 

Erm, same as usual, why?

- Tony

 

Because that’s apparently what you’re supposed to ask first. I don’t think you answered properly, though. Hang on, I’m on the Google engine.

- Steve

 

Oh God. Steve. I think I know what’s up.

- Tony

 

Should I make a pun about that?

- Steve

 

Jesus, no. You don’t need to do that.

- Tony

 

Where’s this come from all of a sudden?

- Tony

 

Don’t worry. Talk to you later, got some errands to do. Might be back late. Don’t wait up, I’ll get JARVIS to let me in.

- Steve

 

Steve?

- Tony

 

Not again.

- Tony

 

I’m microchipping you. Just so you know.

- Tony

 

-

 

It didn’t work, Bruce!

- Steve

 

THIS IS THOR

- Bruce

 

This phone, I swear.

- Steve

 

Thor. Help me.

- Steve

 

I WOULD BE GLAD TO! WHAT IS IT YOU NEED?

- Bruce

 

A one way ticket to somewhere else, preferably. Maybe someone else’s life.

- Steve

 

THIS, I CANNOT DO. I CAN, HOWEVER, TALK TO YOU VIA THE MEDIUM OF TINY COMMUNICATIONS DEVICES. DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A FAIR SUBSTITUTE?

- Bruce

 

I suppose.

- Steve

 

THEN ANSWER ME AGAIN; HOW MAY I HELP?

- Bruce

 

What do you do when you’ve made a complete fool of yourself in front of the one person you really want to look non-foolish in front of?

- Steve

 

THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSON? YOU MIDGARDIANS ARE STRANGE SPECIMENS INDEED!

- Bruce

 

I WOULD RETURN TO THE PERSON IN QUESTION, PREFERABLY WITH A CASKET OF ALE AND A GOBLET OF MEAD, AND PERHAPS A ROAST PIG OR SIX, AND MAKE AMENDS

- Bruce

 

IT IS NOT THE EASY THING TO DO, BUT A GOOD MAN NEVER TAKES THE COWARD’S WAY OUT

- Bruce

 

UNLESS HE IS A PANSY

- Bruce

 

Wow. OK. That actually makes sense. Thanks, Thor. And hey, could you message me with Bruce’s number again? That would be swell.

- Steve

 

THIS IS IT.

- Bruce

 

? I don’t follow.

- Steve

 

I AM USING BRUCE’S COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE!

- Bruce

 

...

- Steve

 

OH. I SEE WHERE I HAVE PERHAPS MADE AN ERROR

- Bruce

 

... THIS IS BRUCE, I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A MERRY PRANK ON THEE! HO, HOW YOU FELL FOR MY WIT!

- Bruce

 

Not falling for it. Bye, Thor.

- Steve

 

ODIN’S BEARD.

- Bruce

 

-

 

Can I come in?

- Steve

 

Sure. Thought you’d rather be met by the stunning smile of JARVIS, though?

- Tony

 

Yeah, well. I need to talk to you.

- Steve

 

You really do.

- Tony

 

So, let me in?

- Steve

 

Spill.

- Tony

 

Oh, come on!

- Steve

 

Tell me what this is about, and I’ll open the door.

- Tony

 

Fine.

- Steve

 

I didn’t want to be too boring for you. That’s all.

- Steve

 

Too boring? Jesus, Steve. You’re Captain Fucking America. That’s pretty interesting as far as most people are concerned.

- Tony

 

Captain America’s pretty interesting, yeah. Steve Rogers, not so much.

- Steve

 

I happen to think he’s quite the enigma wrapped in a mystery. Dashing, too, but don’t tell him that. It’ll only make him big-headed.

- Tony

 

Come on, though. I’m not spontaneous or exciting or anything like that. Everything you stand for, I’m not.

- Steve

 

I’m going to let you in now, OK? We can discuss this in person.

- Tony

 

Clothes optional.

- Tony

 

Too far? OK.

- Tony

 

-

 

Thnask T hor ;fro your hapl!!

- Steve

 

This is Bruce, why are you texting Thor on this number? And why are you typing like you’re at war with your fingers?

- Bruce

 

Oh. Just read through my sent box. Tell no-one, Rogers. I mean it.

- Bruce

 

Donte worty, yor;r secretssss sagew with meee ooh Toyn

- Steve

 

Oh Christ. No. No. Text Thor! Use his actual number! I’ll send it to you now!

- Bruce

 

Ohohohohohogfhfg

- Steve

 

Wrong number! Alert! Abort mission!

- Bruce

 

Iggierlgl teheheheh

- Steve

 

-

 

To : Dr Donald Blake (Thor Odinson)

From : Bruce Banner

Subject : Colorado, City of Nightmares

I am never letting you use the camera on my phone again. I don’t care how many kittens are sitting in a row outside, you can use your own fucking phone!

In other news, Colorado was nice. How do you feel about Hawaii?