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you won't BELIEVE these articles Kent Parson has angrily read out loud to Jack Zimmermann

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Parson’s Passion: My Night With a NHL Star

Does anyone really think that I would cruise for guys at an Elton John party. Like, me. In real life. Does anyone actually think I would do that. And drenching the guy in champagne while we fuck? That sounds fucking disgusting, why would anyone ever do that, waste of a fine fucking bottle. Plus, sticky? Would that not get… okay stop laughing, douche. Clearly I don’t know—

 

Five Ugly Snapbacks That Prove Parson Has a Hat Problem

I don’t own a single ugly snapback, these fuckers have no sense of— well, I mean, some of these are a little… but I wear them ironically, okay, it’s a statement.

 

Kent Parson’s Hottest On-Ice Fights

I don’t know what’s ‘hot’ exactly about me punching Kaner in the face, but damn if I couldn’t watch this gif for hours at a time. Hey, do you think there’s gifs of me punching Corey Perry? Because I could do with watching some of those too, I fucking hate that guy.

 

Debauched in Dallas: Kent Celebrates Away Game Off the Ice

I am actually worried that there’s some kind of asshole anti-Kent who’s been seen hanging with Perez Hilton and is trying to pick up every twink with even a passing knowledge of hockey. First of all, don’t they know that twinks are really more your thing? Fucking, ow, Zimms, know your own strength, asshole.

 

Seriously, though. The anti-Kent. Like, looks just like me but with hollow black eyes and a mullet, or something. If you see him, you’ve gotta promise me you’ll kill him for me, Zimms. We weren’t even in Dallas that week, Jesus…

 

Some Gays Have All the Luck: Parson’s Fabulous Fag Hags

I don’t even know where to start with this shitstain, but by this do you mean, like, my friends? And that girl, I don’t even know that girl, we were just standing next to each other at a crosswalk, and now I should probably like, write her an apology letter or something. ‘I’m sorry, random stranger, for standing next to you that one time.’ Do you send like, a fruit basket in this situation? I don’t even know.

 

Taylor’s gonna fucking murder this guy, he’s done. Never fuck with a girl who’s come out of the Nashville scene, alright? He’s so done.

 

The Ten Grindr Photos of Guys Who’ve Claimed to Have Slept with Kent Parson

I’ll take that key word “claimed,” thanks so fucking much for that. Not so sure that one or two of them being vaguely hot makes up for them being, you know, total asswipes. Maybe it’s like a PSA to the Grindr population, like, ‘look out for these assholes, they’ll blow your life wide open if they can make a buck out of it!’ in which case, kudos on the public service there, I guess.

 

The NHL’s Hottest Stars Who Kent Parson Should Totally Date

Kesler? For real? Are they fucking for real with this? Because we fight a lot? ‘explosive chemistry’ Jesus-— yeah you can stop giggling, you’re not on here by the way, guess that means I’m out of your league. Heh. ‘League.’

 

Though I can’t say I’d turn down Lundqvist, if I’m being completely fucking honest here.

 

Kent Parson: Gift to the Gays, or Downright Disappointment?

How Dan Savage can write a whole fucking piece trying to say that I’m some sort of shit gay idol to the kids and still sound like he wants to fuck me is a terrifying, skin-crawling mystery. No thanks, you gross old man.

 

Bad Sex with Kent Parson: One Dishy Anon Tells All

You know, there is part of me that does kind of wish that I’d had as much sex in the past five years or so as people seem to think I had but what the fuck, Zimms, what the actual fuck. Does any of this sound like me? This guy goes on for at least three paragraphs about how I’m pushy and selfish in bed. Fuck you, man, I am GIVING AND GENEROUS IN THE SACK. I mean, right? Zimms, come on, I know I get kind of pushy but, like…. in a good way? Yeah? Yeah, DAMN RIGHT IN A GOOD WAY.

 

Ace in the Hole: Parson’s Softer Side

ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME.

 

Shit, I’m gonna hear about this in the locker room. “Ace in the hole,” Christ, Jeff is going to fucking piss himself over this.

 

15 Pics Which Prove Kit Purrson is the Best Cat on the Internet

I have no problem with this post, I just need to show you how cute these fucking pictures of her are.