Work Header

Severus Snape & the Meme

Work Text:

The Who, What, When, Where, Why, and Would You Meme

I have been requested by She Who Would Rather Read Fan Fiction to answer the questions in this meme. Loathe as I am to waste my time with this nonsense, it appears that I owe That Woman a life-debt, and as most anyone knows, such a thing is not ignored by the civilised wizard.

Who ... is easy to love?

Lily Evans

Who ... do you just wanna smack?

The Dark Lord, Albus Dumbledore, the obnoxious mutt Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Harry Potter, for various transgressions, nearly all of my students, including several Slytherins... I think it would be wise to stop there, or I'll be writing all night.

Who ... do you trust?

I was taught by various people (my father, Tobias, the Marauders - Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew) that it wasn't safe to trust anyone. Because I didn't trust anyone I not only lost my best friend but was the instrument by which the Dark Lord killed her. I trust the Headmaster to a certain extent. He is a conniving, manipulative old man and I must be wary of him.

Who ... do you talk to when you're alone?

Memories past.

What ... dangerous things do you do while flying on a broom?

Fight Death Eaters, referee Quidditch, and occasionally rescue Potter.

What ... are you allergic to?

Werewolves, unkempt black dogs, stags, and rats.

What ... is Satan's last name?

Potter (James is his first name).

What ... is the last thing that moved you?

The spell Levicorpus.

What ... is the freakiest thing in your house?

A boggart that has taken up residence in one of my closets. Despite my best efforts, it refuses to vacate the closet.

When ... is it time to turn over a new leaf?

When the Dark Lord is dead and my soul is redeemed.

When ... will you be all that you can be?

When the Boy Who Lived to be A Pain in My Arse has succeeded in destroying the Dark Lord for good.

When ... is enough enough?

That cannot be answered while the Dark Lord still lives. When one is in a war, one must do what one must to succeed.

When ... do you go to the dark side?

Every time the Dark Mark on my arm burns and I am obligated to make obeisance to the Dark Lord so he will never suspect I am fighting for the Light.

Where ... are your pants?

You do realise that 'pants', in the United Kingdom, refers to undergarments, do you not? As such, I am under no obligation to answer such a personal question.

Where ... is your last will and testament?

I have hidden it well. Should I die in this war (which I do not expect to occur) my last will and testament will find its way to Harry Potter, as I, during an addled moment, have made him my executor. Ironic, don't you think considering how annoying a dunderhead I find him to be.

Where ... is your junk food stash?

I despise... 'junk food'. Although, I do have a particular fondness for Honeydukes Licorice Wands.

Where ... is Carmen Sandiego?

Now you're just being moronic.

Why ... was the Lone Ranger alone?

As the half-blood Prince (meaning I am half-Muggle, half-Wizard), I grew up watching the Lone Ranger, and I can assure you, he wasn't alone. Kemosabe.

Why ... was The Scarlet Letter scarlet?

You're deliberately trying to trip me up, aren't you? Did I not mention I grew up in the Muggle world? Here is your answer: It was not enough for the Puritans to force Hester Prynn to wear the mark of an Adulteress, it was red in order to be seen, and to further symbolise her great shame.

Why ... are musicians sexy and plumbers not?

I think you need to visit Madame Pomfrey. You appear to have been hit with a Confundus Hex.

Why ... are there no seat belts on school buses?

I believe buses are essentially death traps designed by Death Eaters as a device to do away with Muggle children.

Would you ... swim the English Channel for a doughnut and coffee? If not that, what?

I am not at all fond of doughnuts, but I am seriously addicted to my coffee. My morning must start with at least two cups of coffee, or my students pay for it later. As to swimming the English Channel? I can Imperious you to swim it for me.

Would you ... forgive someone who deliberately hurt you?

Unless the person is deserving, I have no forgiveness to spare.

Would you ... rather believe a lie if it hurt you less than the truth?

I have no tolerance for lies. My distaste, though, is sorely tested between Dumbledore and the Dark Lord, and all of my students.

Would you ... still be alive if you were sucked out of an airplane window? Would you just float around in space for while?

I fly upon a broom, travel longer distance via Apparition, and short distances by Floo. Wizard, remember?

Putting down his quill and drying the ink with a wave of his wand, Snape rolled up the parchment and cleared his throat as he glared at the woman engrossed in some fan fiction nonsense. She didn't hear him so he slapped the palm of his hand sharply upon the surface of his desk. That startled the woman and she looked up from her reading at the scowling Potions Master.

"Your meme, madame." He floated the scroll over to the woman who snatched it deftly out of the air. With a sharp smirk, he growled, "Twenty points from your house for taking me away from my potions, madame. Now, get out!"

The woman ran out of the Potions lab, the door slamming nearly on her heel. Snape chuckled very softly, and swept out of his lab and into the sanctuary of his quarters.