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Ten Further Things That Never Happened to Buffy Summers

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2 Fast 2 Furious: Never Drove a 10-Second Car

Buffy glanced at the driver to her left, smiled brilliantly at the challenge in his laser-bright blue eyes, and revved her engine.

That driver's course Giles had insisted she attend had been a revelation. According to the instructor, her Slayer reflexes were too quick for normal vehicles at normal speeds to handle, but a souped-up street racer...

She laughed as her opponent revved a reply. Racing fired her blood better than anything bar Slaying, addictive and satisfying. Especially against an opponent as skilled as 'Bullitt'.

"Come and get me," Buffy mouthed at him, and pushed the pedal to the floor.


Lie to Me: Never Faced a Lie Detector

Buffy frowned at the suit-wearing, serious-faced guy seated across from her. This wasn't the first time she'd been interrogated about a Slay-adjacent dead body, but usually it was a cop asking the questions, not a 'deception expert'. That worried her.

Dr. Lightman frowned back. "I believe you when you say you didn't do it. But you are lying about what you were doing there."

She put on her best innocent expression and opened her mouth to reply.

He pre-empted her with a snort. "You are not nearly as skilled a liar as you think you are," he said. "Try again."


Tin Man: Never Heard of the Emerald of the Eclipse

Buffy stood outside the rustic cabin and stared up at the waterfall of green light flowing into the sky. It looked like nothing so much as the magical interdimensional energy that formed the Key, last seen embodied as her so-grounded little sister.

"Dawn," she murmured, horrified, as she watched.

She'd been wondering how the Council would retrieve her after a frisky Kansan tornado had thrown her car across dimensions into Backcountry, NeverNeverland. If this was what it looked like-- if they'd brought Dawn-- heads were going to roll.

Grimly, she started off through the darkling landscape toward the distant tower.


Iron Man: Never Saw an Arc Reactor

Buffy studied the news article about the new so-called superhero, 'Iron Man' Tony Stark, with a disillusioned frown.

"What?" Dawn teased her. "You have something against hot older guys who can kick ass? I thought he'd be right up your alley."

One would think. But Buffy was concerned with other factors. "I'm more worried about that glowy thing he uses to power his suit. He works with the military. Remember the Intiative? If the wrong people steal that technology--"

Willow sucked in a breath. "Oooh. You're thinking Adam, Mark II?"

"Trying not to, actually," Buffy replied with a shudder.


TtSCC: Never Fought Against the Machines

Maybe it wasn't obvious to most people, but Buffy could tell almost immediately that Cameron Baum wasn't a probable Slayer after all, nor actual sister of the teenaged boy with her. Something in her sentence structure, and the way she tilted her head, reminded Buffy of April and her own double.

"You're not human," she said, abruptly. "Who built you?"

Cameron glanced at John, then back at Buffy. "Slayers protect innocents," she said, consideringly.

"Yes," Buffy replied, narrowing her eyes at the robot. "We do."

Several hours later-- despite John's mom's objections-- the war against Skynet gained a new combatant.


Dr. Horrible: Never Got a PhD in Slaying

"Are you kidding me?" Buffy asked, staring around the table at the startled 'league' of wannabe evil overlords. "The news media make you guys sound terrifying, but Angel was right. You're just a bunch of Warren Mearses plotting in your basements."

The horse-- seriously, an actual horse-- whinnied in reply, and all of them but the one in the red labcoat clapped their hands over their ears, alarmed.

Buffy laughed and pocketed her stake. "How about we try the Batman method? I'm sure the cops would-- Hey!"

She seized Labcoat Guy's raygun and broke it in half. "Any more objections?"


Twilight: Never Met a Cullen

"He sparkled at me," Buffy repeated, still flustered by the encounter.

"Are-- are you sure it wasn't--" her Watcher's voice carried through the phone.

"In a diamonds-are-my-best-friend kind of way, not a flamey, 'ow, sunlight' way," Buffy clarified. "His eyes did that amber thing, but no wrinkly forehead, no demony vibes. I don't get it, Giles. Are they vampires, or aren't they?"

"My contact said they were, but your description certainly contradicts that. I'll have to do some further research--"

Buffy sighed. "Which means I'll have to stick around in Piney Rainforest, USA."

"I do apologise, my dear."


Fringe: Never Became Part of the Pattern

It had been a long time since Buffy had last faced a demon ascension, but she'd only grown more experienced with age, and this time she'd had a lot more backup. The politician in question had died the moment his body began to morph.

Unfortunately, the event had been very public, and the FBI were all over it. She'd stayed behind to make sure her girls weren't implicated.

"You're sure this is part of the pattern?" she heard one blonde agent ask her partner.

Sunnydale syndrome strikes again, Buffy thought, peering down on the scene from the rooftop next door.


Sanctuary: Never Stopped Wanting to Be Normal

"I'm sorry," Henry said, settling a hand on Buffy's shoulder.

"What for?" she replied stiffly, turning from the mermaid's tank to face the scruffy werewolf. He hadn't admitted it yet, but it was fairly obvious to a Slayer's senses. "Your Dr. Magnus has a new species of--" she could barely say it, "--abnormals to study, and the Council knows something about why Potentials actually have 'potential' that they didn't before. What's to be sorry about?"

"I know what it's like to want to be normal more than anything," he replied, quietly.

Unbidden, a tear trickled down Buffy's cheek.


Inkheart: Never Appreciated the Written Word

"So, Silvertongue." Buffy smiled across the open Hellmouth at her Xander-shaped friend. "We've come a long way since Giles forbid you to read Latin in the library, huh?"

"Thanks to Meggie," he chuckled, and made a 'gimme' motion. Buffy tossed the book over.

Then he began to read. "Before them stretched a dark, still lake. Neither sky nor sunset was reflected on its sullen surface. The Sirannon had filled all the valley..."

Dark water poured down, roaring between them. When it finally stopped, the priest they'd brought leaned forward and intoned a blessing.

The army of Turok'Han was no more.