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Ten Additional Things Than Never Happened to Buffy Summers

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SW: Never Had a Brother

Buffy wiped her mouth with a grimace of distaste, wondering yet again why she'd let Xander pick her costume. She'd managed to deflect him from Gold Bikini Leia to the white robes version, but she had given in, leaving the noblewoman's dress behind. She'd decided she'd rather not be that obvious that she wanted Angel's attention.

Whatever goal Xander'd had when he'd chosen her princess gear, however, had backfired on him. He'd dressed as Luke, and now, after their adventure as their costumes, she couldn't help but think of him as a brother.

A brother that she'd actually kissed. Yecch.

 

Godzilla: Never Faced a Dragon

The sword fell from Buffy's hand, clattering to the asphalt as she stared up at the scaly behemoth racing through the city. Giles had tried to warn her, but she'd been distracted worrying about Angelus, who still prowled Sunnydale while they pursued this "greater" threat. She'd brushed off his concerns; it hadn't seemed possible that anything could really be that big.

Godzilla passed her by, taking a flying leap into the river, and disappeared swiftly beneath the surface. Buffy took a shaky breath and turned away. Demon or not, maybe they'd be better off leaving this one to the military.

 

Boondock Saints: Never Been a Guardian Angel

From the looks of the brothers, they'd been drinking for hours, waving cigarettes around and getting chummy with the bartender. Their accents were Irish, not British, but Buffy felt a wave of nostalgia for Spike all the same.

Why the Oracles hadn't assigned her to him, she had no clue; why the McManus boys deserved some heavy-duty guardian angel-ness, she didn't know either. But she'd chosen to keep fighting the good fight this time, and this was where she'd been sent.

Hours later, as a pair of Russian bozos burst into the boys' loft, she began to get the idea.

 

The Island: Never Been a Guinea Pig

Spike stared, stunned, at the luminous, healthy woman standing before him. He hadn't known the Council had preserved the Prime Slayer's DNA, but it wasn't really a surprise; she'd died a decade ago and none of the Slayers had been as strong since. Of course they'd want to research why. The only real surprise was that this clone-- Summers Six-Echo-- hadn't led the breakout.

"Slayer," he breathed, at a loss for words.

She frowned, staring at him in confusion; then her expression cleared. "Spike?" she asked, tentatively.

If his soul had had a clause, it would have left him then.

 

Jumanji: Never Visited the Jungle

Buffy sat down, mildly puzzled that no-one had left yet, or seemed to even want to leave. Remarkably non-disastrous so far as Buffy-birthdays went, but with both Spike and Richard there, she felt a little claustrophobic.

She glanced over her pile of presents again and pulled out the game Richard had brought. Board games weren't really her thing, but maybe they could burn some time with it.

She gathered the others, and Xander rolled to go first. The game read back a clue-- "Monkeys slow the expedition."

No parties ever again, she thought, despairing, as chittering sounds filled the house.

 

Silmarillion: Never Slew a Balrog

Buffy had no idea what had gone wrong the fourth-- and supposed-to-be-last-- time she'd died, but the place she'd woken up afterward? Definitely not her world's version of Heaven.

Sure, that Mandos guy had been pretty impressive, and he'd given her an amazing, pointy-eared new body, but why he'd seemed to think she was some great warrior with unfinished business in some place called Middle-earth, she hadn't the slightest idea.

She wasn't feeling too upset about it, though. Because the guy they were sending her with? Tall, golden-haired, blue-eyed, unbelievably gorgeous, and attentive. A girl could get used to that.

 

TNG: Never Been Put on Ice

Buffy was highly peeved to awake in the year 2364. She'd asked her friends to just let her die this time; the disease she'd had was painful and always fatal, but at least she'd known Heaven would be waiting.

Instead, they'd apparently had her frozen-- on a satellite! The spaceship-people that revived her, and three other almost-corpses, told her she'd been listed as a "Watcher's Council executive".

Luckily, the British-sounding Captain-- Pick-a-card, or whatever-- knew what that meant, and gave her a comm address for the Watchers' Earth HQ.

Boy, were they going to be surprised to hear from her.

 

The Rock: Never Been Spied Upon

"How'd you find us?" Buffy asked, gazing across the conference table at the latest Slayer interviewee, Carla Goodspeed. She was married with a young kid, at least a decade older than Buffy, and never in the Potential program; she was the kind of Activated Slayer the new Council usually had a hard time finding. For the first time, however, strangely, such a Slayer had come looking for them.

Carla glanced over at her husband; Stanley shook his head slightly, and Carla turned back with a smile. "Let's just say we know a lot about a lot of things we shouldn't."

 

due South: Never Met a Mountie

Buffy tried hard not to drool over the tall, gorgeous, red-clad Mountie as she questioned his spiky-haired American associate. If she'd known they made guys like that up here, she might have made a visit to the land of snow years ago.

"Yeah, I remember a Hank Summers," Ray said, frowning. "What about him?"

"He was my dad," Buffy said. "I was trying to find him to settle the custody issue with my sister, but then I found out he was dead, and his killers were last seen..."

Ray put a hand over his face. "Not again," he said, groaning.

 

PotC II: Never Knew Her Own Bearing

Anya watched thoughtfully as Buffy drifted aimlessly through the Magic Box. It was a good thing she wasn't an employee any more; Anya appreciated her desire to earn money, but she had no salesperson's instinct.

After a while, Buffy paused at a low table displaying Caribbean artifacts and lifted a small, strange-looking compass in one hand. Anya's breath caught as she saw it; she'd tested it on Xander the day before and been very relieved to see it point towards herself. But as she watched, in Buffy's hands it spun aimlessly.

Heaven has no direction, Anya thought with a frown.

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