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Ten More Things That Never Happened To Buffy Summers

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SG-1: Never Had an Identical Twin

Buffy frowned at the sleeping figure in her bed, completely weirded out by the sudden appearance of yet another Summers cloned from her blood. "You're telling me an alien made her?" she asked, gazing skeptically at her visitor.

The blonde Major nodded, apologetically. "She was found when we retrieved one of our personnel. She shouldn't have survived more than a week due to the defective cloning process that was used, but as she did, and the President cleared you..."

"That's Slayer healing for you," Buffy said, then grinned. "Guess this solves the question of who gets my cookies."




X-Men: Never Been to New York

Buffy circled the training mat warily, watching Logan carefully for hints of his next attack.

When mutants had gone public, Giles had broken the news that Slayers were artificial mutants, their DNA altered by a legacy enchantment. He'd then asked Buffy to accompany him to Professor Xavier's school, hoping to gain the Professor's assistance in encouraging the Scythe-generated Slayers' integration in society.

It had been refreshing for Buffy, being among non-evil people who could actually challenge her in a fight. And other things, if the light in Logan's eyes was any clue.

Impatient, Buffy grinned and made the first move.


Bones: Never Been Forgotten

"Angel?" Buffy exclaimed, staring at the FBI agent who had just entered the interrogation room. He'd made his last stand in L.A. two years ago and hadn't been seen since; could Giles have been right about the Sand-Shoe thing?

The agent frowned at her. "You're the second witness who's greeted me that way today. Do I have an identical twin running around somewhere? Because last time I checked, I didn't have any wings."

Buffy swallowed. She'd never quite let go of her dreams of happily-ever-after. But if he didn't even remember her...

"Nevermind," she said. "How can I help you?"


JP: Never Met a Velociraptor

"Giles, these are dinosaurs we're talking about, not demons!" Buffy hissed at her Watcher as they walked toward the meeting room at Council Headquarters. "Unless InGen was using demon-frog DNA to make them, I think we should just let the military take care of it."

Giles sighed. "The dinosaurs who escaped Isla Sorna are incredibly fast-moving and dangerous creatures. The soldiers cannot quite meet them toe to talon, so to speak."

"So they want us to get eaten instead of them?" she demanded.

"Please, Buffy," Giles admonished.

"Okay," she sighed. "As long as that cute Dr. Brennan is there."



Slither: Never Forgot a Face

Buffy's jaw dropped as she stared around at the fields covered in corpses. All the bodies lay with their heads pointed toward one particular house, which apparently had held the zombies' leader before the local sheriff blew it up. "Wow," she said. "And I thought the thing with Mom's Nigerian Death Mask was scary."

"You think this is scary," Xander said grimly. "Wait 'til you meet Sheriff Pardy."

She frowned. "I thought he was the good guy?"

"That's not the problem," Xander said. "It's more... well..." He gestured toward their approaching contact.

"Caleb?!" Buffy shrieked, and reached for the Scythe.


Legally Blonde: Never Had to Bend and Snap

"Just bend... and snap! Bend... and snap! Like this."

Buffy froze in the doorway of the Janna Kalderash Academy's conference room, watching the newest member of the Slayer staff lead Andrew through some kind of routine.

"What is she doing?" she whispered to Willow, who had accompanied her for their meeting with Elle, a disgruntled young Slayer's parents, and the rest of the school's legal team.

"I don't think we want to know," Willow whispered back, then cleared her throat loudly. "Elle? Mr. and Mrs. Grant are here."

"Great!" Elle smiled brightly. "Andrew-- call me. Girls, let's get to work!"


The Mummy: Never Read from the Book of the Dead

Buffy turned the oddly shaped metal puzzle box over in her hands, searching for a seam. She didn't know what it was doing on Giles' desk or if it held anything, but she figured if he left her in his office without anything to keep her busy it was his fault if she got into stuff she wasn't meant to.

After a few minutes she stumbled across the solution and the bottom flared open. It was empty, but the new configuration looked kind of like a key.

"I wonder what this is for?" she mused, looking for a matching lock.


PotC: Never Heard of the Black Pearl

"So what's your story?" Buffy asked flippantly, staring over crossed blades at her skeletal opponent.

The skull bared its teeth in a ghastly grin, then fleshed out as the moon fled behind a cloud. From jaunty hat to braided beard to cutlass in hand, the demon was the picture of a pirate out of legend. "Rounding up cursed treasure, luv," he said. "Don't suppose you've a piece of Aztec gold tucked away on your person?"

Buffy frowned; how'd he know? "And if I do?"

He lowered his sword, sighing. "About time. I haven't tasted any rum in two hundred years."


LotR: Never Kidnapped a King

"I know, I know," Buffy said. "I was only supposed to bring back the special broken magical sword..." She shot a glance at the tall, grubbily-dressed, dark-haired man at her side, whose forbidding expression and tight grip on Narsil's hilt pretty much dared anyone to try and take it from him.

"I think... under the circumstances..." Giles said faintly, staring at their visitor.

"Good," she said, then tugged at the Man's elbow. "Then let's go kill some evil things and send you back home."

At his blank glare, she sighed. "This would be so much easier if you spoke English."


Firefly: Never Left Earth-That-Is

Slender limbs flashed in a whirlwind of motion as Buffy tested River's hand-to-hand skills. She had the edge in supernatural strength and speed, but the girl's passive psychic abilities were so sharp that she was still able to block each blow before it hit.

Buffy hadn't seen Whistler or any other messenger of the PTBs since she'd arrived via portal in the cargo bay of this beat-up space-ship, but she was beginning to get an idea of the reason they'd sent her here. River could use her help-- and somewhere out there, a school-full of other kids still awaited rescue.