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Exactly Where I'd Like You

Chapter Text

“This is going to be so fun, Bren”

“I know!”

Me and Ryan had decided to go camping for the weekend, at the edge of the forest on the edge of town. It was originally meant to be me, Ryan, Spencer, and Jon. But Jon had been roped into doing stuff for his family. They were clearing out their garage and apparently it was a lot of work. Spencer couldn’t make it because he was going on a date on the Friday night, and was grounded all weekend after. He was lucky to have been let out on the Friday. He was pretty excited.

I was obviously disappointed about Jon and Spencer not being able to make it, but it meant that me and Ryan could be alone together. I knew nothing would happen, after all we’d been friends for a very long time and nothing had happened so far. I couldn’t help getting my hopes up though.

I’d started liking Ryan when we were about 13. We were only just teenagers, and life was kind of messed up and crazy. Something about Ryan always amazed me. He wasn’t exactly your ‘normal’ teenager. He didn’t dress like anyone else. He didn’t like what other people liked. And not many people seemed to understand him. Yet, all of this wouldn’t push people away. He didn’t really have lots of friends, but people liked him, and he somehow managed to get away with not being bullied too badly.

I didn’t realise I liked Ryan in a more-than-a-friend way at first. We’d always been close, so I didn’t really pick up on what I was feeling until I started having... weird dreams about us. They started off quite innocent... and then things changed. Stuff got quite weird, I’m not going to say anything else.

I tried to ignore my feelings for a while, but I just couldn’t do it. I came to terms with the fact that nothing was going to change my mind about the way I felt for my best friend.

“I fucking hate tents! Remind me never to go camping ever again”

I laughed at the sight of Ryan fumbling around with tent poles and pegs and generally getting himself into a muddle. “Are you gonna help me, or just stand there laughing?”

“Sorry!” I shouted, and went over to help.

You could see the whole town from where we were. I imagined what it was going to look like when the sun started setting. You could make out cars and people from up on the hill, and it was pretty awesome. Everyone was just milling around, whilst we were in our own little world up, away from everything else. We were surrounded by trees in nearly every direction, so it seemed really isolated and quiet. We were completely on our own. I liked it.

We eventually managed to sort the tent out, and we got it up in no time. We flopped down inside, and rested.

“Ya know, if you hadn’t of had the poles the wrong way round-” said Ryan grinning, “-we could have finished ages ago...”

“Hey! I never said I was an expert at tent-putting-up” I said back, sitting up and supporting myself on my elbows so that I could see Ryan’s face.

“‘Tent-putting-up’? I don’t even think that makes sense...”

I laughed, and leaned over to get some drinks out of my bag. “Here ya go” I said, throwing one to Ryan.

We sat in the tent for a while, just talking, and sorting our stuff out. “If you kick me in the night, you’re dead”

“Hey, I can’t help it if I'm asleep” I retorted, grinning.

“No excuses. If you kick me...”

“I get it”

“I’m just saying. You don’t even want to imagine the things I could do to you that would leave you not being able to walk after”

I sort of choked on my drink when he said that, spluttering everywhere.

“Whoa, you okay?”

“I- argh- yeah- I’m- ok- augh”

“Did you swallow that the wrong way or something?”

“Yeah- eargh- something like that...”

Ryan didn’t have a single clue about what he was saying. Maybe I would kick him in the night... on purpose.  

After I’d finished choking to death, we set about sorting out what we were going to eat.

“I can’t believe we forgot food. We remembered drinks... but no food” Ryan groaned, and shoved his head into a pillow.

“I know...”

“I blame you”

“Why is it my fault?”

“Cause... it is... anyway, what are we going to do?”

I sighed, “Well, there’s a drive through down the road...”

“Um, we don’t have a car?” Ryan said, sarcastically.

“Well... it doesn’t matter, they can’t really complain. We’re buying stuff from them”

Ryan mumbled something into his pillow which was inaudible, and turned over onto his back.

“Fine, who’s going to look after our stuff though?”

I hadn’t really thought of that. I assumed we would both be going down there, but it hadn’t even crossed my mind that that would mean leaving our stuff.

“Well... no one is gonna take it...”

“How do you know?”

“Come on, no one comes up here. And even if people do pass by, they’ll probably only be people out for a walk, and they won’t steal our stuff. They’d probably think we were still in the tent anyway”

“I guess...” Ryan got up and pulled his jacket on. “Let’s go then”

It didn’t take us very long to get there. But when we arrived, it took us a while to figure out what we were gonna say.

“Look, I know what I want... it’s just; we’re going to look like right idiots, just walking up to the window”

“Hey, this was your idea, so you’re going first, now get on with it”


“Look, you talk, and I’ll hand over the money, alright?”


We walked up, awkwardly, and the woman at the window turned around.

“Oh, we’ve forgotten our car have we?” she asked, slightly grinning.

“Um... actually, we just walked over here. It was the closest place to get food...”

“Well it don’t bother me... what do you two want?”

I told her what we wanted, and we sat down on the floor, whilst we waited.

“See, that wasn’t so bad...”

“I guess”

Things were actually going pretty smoothly, to start with.

“Here ya go boys, now pay up”

Ryan scrambled around for his money in his wallet, and pulled out some notes. He’d just handed them over, when he froze. “Oh... shit, no- oh, no”

The woman flicked through the money, whilst Ryan flailed, trying to say something. I had no idea what was going on.

Suddenly the woman stopped and turned to look at us. A smirk slowly crept across her face as she handed something back to us. “Oh, you might be needing this back, boys...” she said, “It’ll probably come in handy later

Ryan had gone bright red, and I just... didn’t even know what I was doing. I was actually trying to restrain from running off.

“Oh my God...” Ryan quickly grabbed the condom out of the woman’s hand and shoved it into his pocket.

“Doesn’t matter-” she said, “-must have just gotten mixed up with your money. Here’s your food”

We said thank you, and then got out of there as quickly as possible.

My head was all over the place. Why the fuck did Ryan have a condom? Maybe he just keeps one with him... I thought to myself. But as far as I knew... he hadn’t even had sex before, so it was unlikely he’d just go around with them on him... in case he just randomly felt like fucking someone in the woods.

We were nearly back and I was still running everything over in my head, when Ryan piped up with something, kind of freaking me out. “So, I guess we won’t be going back there any time soon, eh?”

“Ermm....-” Oh God, I was making it even more awkward. “-yeah, definitely not.”

We arrived back and Ryan got out our food from the plastic bag we’d been given. He passed over my stuff, and we got settled in the tent.

We ate in virtual silence, Ryan tried to make conversation, but it wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t try to say anything smart either, something weird would have ended up coming out, and it would have made the whole thing even worse, if that was possible.

When we finished, Ryan shoved our papers and things into a plastic bag, and started straightening his sleeping bag out. He was probably trying to avoid conversation, because he was taking much longer than was needed. I just sat there, looking around, trying to find something to look at or something to do. We weren’t going to be able to get past this unless something was said.

I decided to go for it. “Ryan...”

“Yeah?” he replied, stopping what he was doing immediately, and turning round.

“Well... um... we need to... talk”

“You make it sound so dramatic”

“Yeah well...I know this is awkward, but it’s going to be a whole lot worse if we don’t talk to each other until morning”




“Well... why did you have... ya know... in your... wallet?”

“Well, I dunno, in case I needed it”

“Why would you need it?”

“You never know”

“Were you expecting to get some this weekend? Was someone else meant to be coming too?”

“No! Can we not talk about this... it’s weird.”

“It’s not weird, we’re best friends. I’m not gonna laugh at you or anything”

“I know... but I don’t want to talk about it”




“No... I can’t. Just leave it, okay?”

“Alright, alright. But can we please start acting normally again?”



Ryan obviously wasn’t telling me something... but I had a feeling that trying to get it out of him wasn’t the best way to go, so I left it. I figured if it was important he would tell me anyway.

After that, we just starting talking again like we usually did. We talked about music and school and stupid people and funny things we’d seen, and everything was good again.

We decided at around 1 that maybe we should get some sleep, if we wanted to be doing anything the next morning. Ryan had assumed that I wouldn’t mind going for a walk through the woods the next day, so apparently that was going to happen and I didn’t have a say in it.

“Maybe we should try and sleep now... if you still wanna go on that walk tomorrow”

“Hmm, I guess. Don’t want you to be a walking zombie. Not so attractive”

I over thought that comment way too much, much like with anything else Ryan ever says. Did he mean that I was attractive normally? Did he mean I would be even worse looking than I already was? I really hated my brain.

“Well, goodnight then”

“Night night, Brenny!”

“Oh my God...”

Ryan just laughed, and we left it at that.   

Chapter Text

The next morning was hell.

“I actually hate the sun so much” I complained, as I tried to bury my head even further down in my sleeping bag.

“Oh lighten up! You can hear the birds singing, and nature Brendon, nature”

“Nature can go fu-”

“Hey! Don’t be disrespecting the plant life now”

“When did you become all pro-earth?”

Ryan just gave me a funny look, and climbed out of his sleeping back to unzip the tent.

“Ah, feel the breeze Brendon, feel the breeze!”

“Stop it!” I groaned, pulling my sleeping bag tightly around me. “It’s freezing!”

“Oh, maybe I should close it; we all know what happens when it gets cold...” Ryan raised his eyebrows at me.

I just glared back at him and he huffed out a laugh and got out of the tent.

What was he trying to do? Just make everything weird again? I really didn’t understand him sometimes.

I grabbed my hoodie out of my bag, and joined Ryan outside. “Jesus, how are you not cold?” I asked him.

Ryan just shrugged.

“You’re so strange”

“I know”

The town was pretty still. There were no cars around at all. People were probably only just waking up for work. Everyone else was enjoying a deep sleep or a lay in. They weren’t being woken up by the natural light.

“Come on, get dressed, we’re gonna be going soon”

“What? We haven’t even had anything to eat yet...”

“Well, if we go now, we’ll be back for lunch”


“Hurry up!”

“Ugh...” I trudged back to the tent. Ryan’s mind wasn’t going to be changed. We were going for a walk and that was final, even if it did mean missing breakfast. I wasn’t looking forward to that.

I finished pulling my clothes on just as Ryan came barging into the tent.

“Um... what if I was like.... naked”

“Yeah, whatever, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world. Now get out unless you want to watch me get unchanged”

I nearly said ‘well...’ out loud, and only just stopped myself. He really had no idea.

I got out the tent, and went and sat down and watched movement slowly start to creep into the town. The sun was slowly rising behind the hills, and was making everything look an awesome colour.

Suddenly, I heard something though, so I turned around to see what it was. I couldn’t see anything, but it sounded like it was coming from behind the tent. I got up, and slowly made my way over to the tent, to make sure it wasn’t just Ryan fumbling around inside. It didn’t sound like him, and I was about to walk round the back of the tent, when I saw what it was. It was just a little rabbit. It was really cute, and I was about to try and get closer, when I caught my foot on one of the tent pegs, “Oh... -shit”, and went flying. I landed flat on my face in the dirt.

I collapsed into the side of the tent, pulling it halfway down. My leg was all tangled up in the strings and wires, and I had dirt all down my front. The rabbit obviously made a run for it.

I was still laying on the ground when Ryan came out the half collapsed tent, to see what was going on. I expected him to start having a go at me, but he just burst into laughter instead.

“Oh... my God, what- ahaha, what even” Ryan could barely speak, he was in hysterics.

“Shut up, there was a rabbit and-”

“A rabbit? You’re such an idiot. You look hilarious down there, get up!”

Ryan carried on laughing at me as I pulled myself up and brushed my clothes down. “It isn’t funny, that really hurt!”

“I’m sorry, but...” He started laughing again.


“You’re so lucky that I didn’t have a camera handy”

“You wouldn’t have...”

“I would have”

“I hate you”

“Love you too”

We started putting the tent back up, and managed to fix everything soon enough.

“Well, now that that’s over with, do you wanna get going?”


“Or maybe we shouldn’t go... there’s a lot of wildlife in the woods, and you might see another small animal and fall into the lake.”

I shook my head at him whilst fake glaring. “Shut up alright, it wasn’t my fault, and anyway, I don’t even think there is a lake in those woods!”

“I’m sorry but, if it was me, you’d be crying with laughter”

That was true... but totally irrelevant.

“Anyway, come on. You ready?”

Ryan wasn’t going to wait around for me to change into something clean evidently. “I guess, let me just grab my phone”

We started our walk; it was going to be a long morning.

We’d been walking for about 10 minutes, when Ryan stopped in his tracks and started looking around.

“What is it?”

“Well, I swear this wasn’t what the woods used to look like, there used to be this really big tree right over there” Ryan pointed in front of him, and walked over to the supposedly empty space.

“We aren’t lost are we?”

“No... I don’t think”

“I’m actually going to kill you if we are”

“We’re not! Don’t worry! They probably just cut the tree down”

“Yeah well, I hope you’re right”

We carried on walking, and Ryan seemed to be acting weirdly.

“Ryan, what is it? If we are lost, we need to turn back now, before we go deeper into the woods”

“I think you might be right... um”

“Look, don’t worry, let’s just start walking”

We walked for a good 15 minutes in silence, before Ryan spoke up. “I’m really sorry”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m not actually going to kill you, I was joking”

“No, I mean... this was a bad idea”

“What? No it wasn’t, I'm still having fun” I smiled at Ryan, trying to convince him. He smiled back, but looked away quickly after. He seemed to be in a weird mood.

Around 10 minutes later, I decided that we needed to stop.

“Can we stop for a bit, I think my legs are going to fall off”

“They’re not going to fall off! Don’t be such a drama queen! And anyway, if we stop for too long we’ll be late back. You’re going to start getting hungry soon as well.”

“Please?” I looked up at Ryan, and tried to pull off the whole puppy dog eyes thing. It must have worked because he sighed, and sat down on a nearby, fallen tree trunk.

“Oh thank God”

I dropped down next to him, and rubbed my legs. I got out my phone to check the time.

“It’s only nine”

“Seriously? I thought it would be later... maybe we’ll make it back in time so that we don’t starve to death”

“Yeah, I don’t really like the idea of starving to death”

“Mmm... me neither” Ryan grinned, and leaned into me. He was surprisingly warm, despite the weather. I didn’t know where to put my hands. It would probably seem a little creepy if I started running them through his hair, like a wanted to do. He only wanted to be comforted. I couldn’t afford to forget that. I couldn’t afford to forget that Ryan would never want to be anything more than what we were already. I couldn’t afford to lose him as a friend.

I had been flailing for quite a while, considering places to put my hands, when Ryan moved off me and stood up.

“We should get going. You’ve had a long enough rest”

I didn’t say anything about what just happened. I just got up and followed Ryan back through the woods.

On the way back to where we were camping, I kept noticing Ryan’s empty hand swinging. I was so tempted to just grab it, and hold it forever. But no, I couldn’t. I was also tempted to grab Ryan and push him up against a really good looking ‘make out tree’ when we passed it. I was picturing it when I suddenly bumped into Ryan.

“Um what, sorry”

“You alright? You kind of looked like you were off in your own little world”

“You could say that”

“Weird boy...”


“.... Anyway, what I was going to say, was that I think we’re nearly back. You recognise that weird bush over there with the funny coloured leaves?”

“Oh yeah... we’re close now” I said, trying to sound like I hadn’t just been thinking about doing stuff to Ryan, which sounded pretty creepy to be honest.

“Yeah... um, come on”

We got back at around 10:30.

“Great timing. You hungry yet?”


“Ah, good, so am I”

“Wait, where are we going to go? We can’t go back to that place from yesterday”

Everything seemed to be coming back to Ryan now. I could see him remembering the events from the night before. “Definitely not”

We sat down in the tent, and tried to come up with something to do.

“There’s nowhere else near enough.”

“We can’t Brendon. We can’t.”

“I know but-”

“Just think of how awkward it’s going to be!”

“Yeah but-”


“Look, I really don’t want to walk all the way into town, and there’s no other place!”

“I am not, Brendon. No.”

“What if I just go on my own then?” I had no idea why I said that. I really didn’t want to go back there on my own.

“On your own?”

“Yeah, it won’t be so bad...” It would be bad though, what was I thinking?

“Well, if you’re sure you really want to”

“Yes” No.

“Okay then”

We fished out some money from our bags, and made our way down the road to the drive through.

We were ducked down behind some bushes. “Right, I’ll wait here, whilst you go up, okay?” Ryan said, peeking up to look over.

“Yeah... okay.... what if the same person’s there?”

“It’s unlikely, and anyway, this was your idea. We can’t walk all the way back empty handed”

Yeah, me and my stupid ideas.

“Okay, right. Right. Okay. I’m gonna go”

I tripped out of the bush, only just catching myself, and walked up to the window slowly. I couldn’t see who was there. I was praying that it wasn’t the lady from the night before.

I got to the window, and the person turned around at the same time. It wasn’t the same person. It was someone younger this time. A girl around our age I would have guessed. She had long, black hair, which I assumed to be dyed. She had a nose ring in, and she looked pretty cute.

“Um... you come here often without your car?”

“No. My car just... broke down further up the road. I was on my way over here”

“Oh right...-” she grinned slightly, “What would you like then?”

I put in the order, and sighed in relief. That wasn’t so bad. It was going to be fine. I glanced behind me, and saw Ryan’s head bob up from the bushes, and then disappear again. I rolled my eyes, and turned back to find the girl at the window staring at me.

“Oh sorry!” she said, kind of shocked.

“Um... that’s okay I guess”

“So, who’s your friend, and why are they hiding over there?” she said, raising an eyebrow and indicating to the bushes behind me.


The girl laughed, and shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. I probably don’t want to know. Anyway, um, your food might be a while; apparently they’re having a bit of trouble back there.”

“Oh, okay” I really didn’t want to be standing there longer than I had to.

“So... you said your car broke down?”

Oh God, I was going to have to make something up about that now. I didn’t know a lot about cars really... so I hoped that she didn’t either.

“Oh well, yeah, the engine... err, overheated I think”

“Oh right, well I mean, I get off in about 5 minutes, I could come look at it for you. I sometimes help my dad out at work, he runs a garage”

Oh fuck. She was going to walk back with me to an invisible car.

“Um... no it’s alright, I'm sure we’ll be able to fix it, it’s not a problem”

“Alright then...” the girl frowned a bit, before suddenly turning her head round to someone behind her.

No, no this couldn’t be happening. The woman from yesterday walked through from the back. “Here’s the order, sorry it took so long” she hadn’t seen me yet.

The girl smiled, and took the bag from the woman, before handing it over to me. “Here ya go!” she said, smiling.

“Thanks...” I said, about to turn to walk off.

It was too late though. She’d seen me now. “Oh, you’re that guy from yesterday...”

The girl with the black hair looked with confusion between me and the woman. “Marie, you know him?” she said, looking to who was obviously called Marie.

“Oh yeah... this is that guy from yesterday, the one I was telling you about”

“What? Oh. Oh...”

Oh my God, she was such a bitch. Why did she have to say anything? She could have just left it, instead of making me have to go through the horrible embarrassment of everything again.  

I just stood there, in the complete silence between the three of us. I don’t really know why I was so concerned about this girl knowing everything; I probably wouldn’t ever see her again in my life.

“Well...” the girl had gone bright pink, and she was just staring off, looking through me.

Marie walked off into the back, clearly proud of her accomplishments. I turned to leave again, not planning on trying to regain my dignity, when the girl reached out the window, and grabbed my shoulder.


Wait, why was she apologising?

“Well um, ya know, for Marie. She’s always like that. I feel really bad.”

“Um... you don’t have to feel bad (?)”

“Err well, yeah sorry. That must have been bad for you, I mean, yeah. Marie’s kind of a bitch when she realises she can embarrass someone.”

“It’s fine”

“I’m guessing that’s the other guy... in the bushes back there”

“Yeah. He didn’t want to come back here”

“I don’t blame him. Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer”

“Yeah, um, bye then” I turned and started to walk off when she stopped me again.

“I’m Ellie by the way”

I turned around and smiled, “... Nice to meet you... I’m Brendon...”

“Nice to meet you too”

I turned around again and walked back to Ryan, who was practically lying down, flat to the ground.

“Shit man, I saw what happened. That woman, she came back... what happened, I saw her laughing”

“I’ll tell you when we get back...”

“Alright. I’m sorry I made you go on your own you know? I should have come too. I’m a bad friend”

“Nah, it’s okay.”

“No, seriously, I'm really sorry”

“It’s alright! Stop apologising! It wasn’t that bad, okay. It’s fine”


I rolled my eyes, and carried on walking. Ryan did that a lot. He liked to apologise for things that didn’t usually need a ‘sorry’ to be said for. It was weird, as if he had remembered something from the past that he needed to let out. He acted as if something terrible has happened sometimes, and it would always leave my thinking ‘what the fuck?’ at the end.

“I’m not trying to have a go at you... it’s just a little weird. Is there something wrong?” I said after we’d got back to the tent, and had finished eating.

“No, there’s nothing wrong”

“You’d tell me if there was right?”

“Of course”

“Good, because I don’t want to be kept in the dark if there’s something that’s not okay, and you need someone, alright?”


“Don’t be afraid to say something...”

“I’m not. You know I'm not”

“I just get worried, that’s all”

“I know you do, you worry too much”

“Well I can’t help it can I?”

“Apparently not” Ryan was smiling now, serious time was over.

Ryan forgot about what had happened at the drive-through, and I wasn’t going to bring it up to remind him either. It would probably cause embarrassment for us both anyway. Neither of us should have really been embarrassed. We were best friends. I guess it was just the situation that made everything a little... weird.

We had finished our lunch at around 11:30. We made sure that we left some food over for dinner though, so that there wouldn’t be another awkward incident with Marie. But now, we had a whole afternoon of boredom to deal with.

“We didn’t really think this whole thing through did we?”

“Not very well, at least...”

“Well, we’ve spent millions of afternoons together, what did we do then?”

“Well for starters, we weren’t in the middle of the woods camping... and we had TV and internet connection”


“Maybe we could play a game?”

Ryan looked up and gave me a funny look.

“I mean, like a card game...”

“Do you have any cards?”

“Yes, actually” I rifled through my bag looking for the cards. “I don’t have any cards”

“Nice one” Ryan sighed, and lay down on his sleeping bag. “It would be better if the others were here. We could play truth or dare or something”

“Mhmm...” It was obvious that Ryan was bored. It wasn’t really surprising. “I know I'm boring, you can say it”

I was half joking, but Ryan shot his head up and looked at me. “You’re not boring, Brendon! You’re actually one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met!”


“No. Seriously. You need to stop putting yourself down all the time”

“Um, excuse me? That’s what you do all the time”

“Well, if I agree not to, will you stop as well then?”


Ryan hummed happily and went back to his daydreaming, or whatever he was doing. Our little bickers were always funny, because Ryan would always come off as if he’d won some massive argument or proved someone wrong. He was so weird.  

We came to the conclusion, at around 2:00, that we were going to have to think of something to do, or we were going to die of boredom.

“There’s no food. No cards. No games. We’ve talked about everything. You don’t like the mind games I come up with-”

“Hey! They’re creepy. It’s like you’re reading my thoughts... and they start sucking after about 5 minutes”


We sat in silence for a bit. I don’t think Ryan was even trying to come up with anything anymore. Suddenly I remembered that I’d brought a book with me.



“Ta-da” I said, pulling it out of my bag.

“Genius.” Ryan reached into his bag and pulled out a book as well.

Well this was going to be a fun afternoon. Us sitting in a warm and clammy tent for 4 hours, reading. Nevertheless, we got on with it. It was the only way we could pass the time, and there wasn’t much else to talk about, so it was our only option.

I wasn’t really reading, I actually nearly drifted off to sleep at one point. The tent was just so warm, but not too warm. It was making me tired. I glanced over at Ryan who seemed to be deep in what he was reading; he looked to be concentrating hard. I looked over his shoulder quickly to try and see what he was reading. He didn’t notice me there. He was clearly pretty involved. I was just about to read something, when he turned the page, and flipped over so that he was on his back, nearly hitting me in the face with his book in the process. I flung myself down onto the floor and out of the way just in time. He didn’t even notice that.

I turned onto my back as well; I had a clearer view of what he was reading now. I had no idea what the book was about, but it seemed to be coming to a pretty heated scene. There was kissing, and grabbing involved and it was all pretty mild until I scanned through a couple of paragraphs and boom straight on sex scene.

I glanced at Ryan’s facial expression, and he seemed to be just as into it as he was before. I followed his gaze, and he was now onto the scene. He shifted kind of uncomfortably, moving his hips around a bit, probably to find a more comfortable position. He still looked concentrated on the book though. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly as it went on, and started moving around again. Could he not just stay still? He was at the bit now where the couple were really going for it. Words like, pulled, grab, moaned and bite, sprung out from the paragraph. Ryan switched positions again, this time crossing his legs. Wait a minute...

Ryan was shifting around with his legs crossed and one of his hands had moved from the book, to his lower stomach. Oh my God. No.

I was right there, and he was fucking getting off to something he was reading. He didn’t even know that I was looking at him. This was going to be awkward. I grabbed my book from beside me, and opened it up in front of my face. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t help it. He was squirming around right next to me, and how he didn’t realise what he was doing, I don’t know. He was kind of zoned out, unaware of his surroundings, and who was in them. I tried to pull me eyes away again, but I just couldn’t. What was I supposed to do? Ignore it? No. That was never going to happen. I wasn’t going to miss a chance like that, as creepy as it sounded.

After a while, he calmed down a bit, obviously he’d got past that bit of the book. I flicked my eyes across to see him sit up, and stretch his arms.

“What time is it?”

I didn’t really know what to say. He actually had no clue what had just been happening right in front of my eyes.

I must have been staring at him, because he waved a hand in front of my face, and reached over me to grab my watch from the floor. “Oh, it’s half four...”

I nodded. When Ryan leaned back over me I noticed that yes, he did have a boner. And he hadn’t realised yet. As he sat back, I shot my eyes up, away from his crotch. I pretended to look at my book, as I saw out the corner of my eye that he’d realised the issue at hand. (Or soon to be at hand)

“Err... just gotta take a leak”

“Nice” I said, as he got up hastily and awkwardly make an exit from the tent. I could hear him running off to the nearby trees.

I really didn’t want to be thinking about him... sorting out his problem. That would just cause one for me. And I didn’t need to be going off to ‘take a leak’ as well.

Ryan came back a few minutes later and flopped down into the tent.

It was going to be a long night. 

Chapter Text

It was around 8 when we started to pack up our stuff and sort out our beds. We’d had a good talk after dinner. It was weird actually, Ryan was acting a little strangely, and not like the strange way he usually acts.

We lay our sleeping bags out, and then Ryan said something. “Do you wanna go outside and look at the stars for a bit before we go to sleep?”

That was a bit of a shock; I didn’t know Ryan was into stargazing.

“Oh, are you going to tell me about all the constellations?” I said jokingly.


We finished our drinks and went outside. We had set up at the edge of the forest, and we could see across the whole town. We were high up on the hill, so we could see everything. It was weird, although we knew exactly where we were; it felt like we were alone, in the middle of nowhere. The sun was setting, and the sky was all shades of pink and yellow and orange. It looked kind of golden actually.

We lay back on the cool grass, and stared up at the sky. There weren’t stars to look at yet, but the clouds looked awesome. They were all fluffy and orange, and it looked really cool.

We didn’t really talk much at first, just stared up. I closed my eyes after a while, and just listened to the wind and feel it rush over my face. The wind was coming from the direction of town, so you could occasionally hear the odd siren or people shouting. It was weird to hear, since we were so far away. But there were no other noises up on the hill, so it made sense.

It was getting late, and the sun had completely gone. The stars were coming out, and I turned to face Ryan, who had his eyes closed at the time. It was as if he felt me looking at him, because he soon opened his eyes, and pointed up into the sky. “That’s the stickman.”

“You’re making that up.” I said, as I looked up in the direction of where he was pointing.

“Yeah, but look! It looks like a stick person.”

I finally found what I assumed Ryan was talking about, and laughed quietly. It really did look like a stick person.

“Do you think you could make that an official constellation?”

“I have a feeling they wouldn’t be too keen on the idea.”

Ryan pointed out some more random things he’d made up; he clearly didn’t have a lot of knowledge of the sky.

It had been quiet for a while, and I was about to get up and suggest going back to the tent, when something stopped me.

Ryan was always the touchy, feely type. He liked to get into people’s personal space. He’d squash up to them on the couch, and practically sit in their lap. He’d hug people he’d only just met for longer periods of time than was good for them. This was a big advantage for me. Getting close to Ryan wasn’t hard. It never had been, and it wasn’t like I had to try at all, considering how close we were. The only bad thing about all the hugs and squeezes and random-holding-hands moments was that every single time one of them happened, it would hit me that Ryan would never feel the same way I did when they happened. Ryan would never get butterflies when he put his hand in mine. He would never feel sick from happiness when we were hugging. He wouldn’t get all giddy when he decided to come and invade my space and snuggle up to me. It wouldn’t happen.

Ryan’s hand was surprisingly warm, despite the weather. It was soft, and it felt as if it was made to fit in mine. Ryan snaked his fingers through mine, and gently squeezed my hand. This was nothing like the times when he had held my hand before; this wasn’t messing around, or being stupid. He was holding my hand as if it meant something to him.

I didn’t know what to do. Should I react? Should I squeeze back? Should I just lean over and kiss him? I thought about that last one really hard. I was plucking up the courage to just do it. Even if it did go wrong and Ryan got all freaked out, it would be fine... wouldn’t it? I turned my head so that I was facing him, “Ryan...”

And with that, he got up, dropped my hand, and went back to the tent, without a word.

“Where are you going?”


What the hell was that?

I sat there alone, in the dark. I stared out at the town; the lights were slowly disappearing, one by one. People were going to bed. That’s where I should have been going too, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t just go in there as if nothing had happened. I didn’t really know why I was so embarrassed and worried; Ryan was the one who put his hand in mine. Not the other way around.

I stayed outside for as long as I could. I waited for about half an hour before going back to the tent. I shouldn’t have really, but I couldn’t just go in after him. In fact, I probably would have just slept outside, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was getting really cold, and my butt was starting to go numb. I thought that he would have gone to sleep by that time anyway though, so it would be safe to just crawl in. I had no idea what I was going to do in the morning though. Or what he was going to do. I had a feeling that it was going to be extremely awkward though, whatever happened. I couldn’t see a good way out of the whole situation.

I unzipped the tent slowly; I really didn’t want to wake Ryan up. I stepped in, and zipped it back up. Ryan had his eyes closed, and seemed to be breathing pretty slowly and steadily, so I assumed he was asleep, thank God. I decided that taking my clothes off would be too much hassle, and would cause quite a bit of noise, so I kept them on. I managed to get my jacket off though, and lay down in my jeans and shirt.

Trying to get to sleep was the worst thing ever. I was so uncomfortable. Ryan hadn’t moved since I’d got in the tent, so obviously he’d found a good sleeping position. I tossed and turned and tossed and turned, but I just couldn’t find a way to sleep.

I checked my watch and I’d been trying to get to sleep for about two hours now. This really wasn’t working. Ryan wasn’t the only one who would never want to go camping again.

I lay on my back, staring up at the roof of the tent. I was over thinking way too much. There wasn’t much else to think about though, so I couldn’t help it. All sorts of ideas were going through my head, about what Ryan was going to do when he woke up in the morning. Maybe he’d act as if nothing had happened, and that would make me happy and extremely disappointed at the same time. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and realize that he’d been an idiot the whole time he’d known me, and he really did like me back. And we’d live happily ever after... or something like that. I didn’t really care. If it was really bad in the morning, I couldn’t even go home because my parents were away for the weekend and I had no key. We were going to have to stay, but the rest of the weekend was going to kill me.

Suddenly there was a stirring from beside me, and Ryan sat up. I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. I could hear Ryan moving around, but I had no idea what he was doing. Then, I felt him brush up against me. He stopped, and seemed to be keeping still, but then he carried on moving, and getting closer to me. He thought I was asleep. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, which I had only just come to notice. I couldn’t really see in the light before.

His face was right above mine, and I could feel his breath against my cheeks. It was so hard not to open my eyes, but I couldn’t let him know that I was awake.

He was practically on top of me now. Well, half of him was. He had one hand the other side of my head and one hand on my cheek. I was a very deep sleeper, so obviously he thought that that wouldn’t wake me.

What the fuck was he doing?  Then suddenly, his lips were on mine. I was freaking out. Okay, I was going to have to open my eyes now, but I couldn’t do it. He was kissing me, and I wasn’t doing anything about it. I couldn’t believe it.

I didn’t know what I was doing, but I finally started to kiss him back, which I think kind of startled him. He stopped straight away. He pulled back so that he could see me, and we looked right at each other. We both knew what was happening. And Ryan wasn’t going to stop it.

I spoke first, well, I was about to. “You weren’t-” I was cut off by him kissing me again.

I didn’t try to speak, I just went with it. I kissed back, and Ryan flipped his leg over my body so that he was completely on top of me. 

I rested one hand on Ryan’s back, and then other was in his hair. I pulled him down, closer to me, so that our bodies were as close as they could possibly be. He was soft and gentle at the same time as being rough and forceful. I didn’t even know how that could work, but it did. Ryan made it work.

He was rolling his hips down on me, and I was slowly finding it harder and harder not to let out a moan. I knew that he was the one on top of me, and the one who had started all this, but I didn’t want to scare him away. Not now, when everything was finally starting to look up.

I moved my hand down to his lower back, and felt the waistband of his boxers. He was blatantly not wearing any bottom halves either. I snuck my fingers into his underwear slightly, where I could feel the cool skin underneath.

Sweat was brimming on both our foreheads, as both our mouths worked away on the others’. Suddenly, Ryan pulled his body up slightly, and moved his hand from my face, to down between us. He ran his hand up, underneath my shirt, and over my stomach and chest. I arched my back slightly, into his touch.

Ryan pulled me up, and pulled my shirt off over my head, before lying me back down again. He moved his lips from mine, to my chest, where he bit little patches of skin up and down. There were going to be marks in the morning. And I couldn’t fucking wait. He had hold of both my wrists, pinning me down. Suddenly, he nipped at my side, just under my ribs where it was really sensitive, and I squirmed and let out a little cry. I couldn’t even begin to be embarrassed though, because Ryan Ross was on top of me, kissing and biting, and rolling his hips and holy fuck.

It actually surprised me how good he was. Surely he didn’t really know what he was doing, considering the whole virgin situation. To be honest though, I didn’t really care if he knew what he was doing or not, I just wanted him.

He finally decided that my jeans were coming off as well. That was definitely a relief to me, as they were getting way too tight and my dick was dying in there. He let go of my wrists, which ached a bit. In a good way though. Ryan moved off to my side, and pulled my jeans down to my ankles so that I could kick them off. Through all of this, not a word had been said.

He attached his lips to mine again; I placed my hands back to his hair and the back of his neck. I bucked up slightly, trying to get more friction between us. Ryan moaned into my mouth, so clearly he was enjoying himself. He was so fucking hard, and all over me. Now wasn’t the time to start over-thinking again though. No, I needed this. Now.

Ryan quickly moved his hand down between us again, like he’d done before, and then shoved his hand right into my boxers. Straight to the point. I bucked up without a second thought, and moaned loudly. I could feel Ryan smirking against my lips. He slowly started to jerk me, whilst I made small upward thrusts. How was he so fucking good at this? I was going to completely suck compared to him *pun intended, oops*. I was coming undone under him, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to last much longer if he kept this up.

It was my turn now. I flipped us over so that I was on top. I sat up, straddling Ryan, and looked down at him. It was dark, but I could still see the beautiful outline of his face. I could see the sweat on his forehead and on his chest. I could hear him breathing heavily, and I could see his lustful eyes glistening.

Fuck, Brendon” Ryan had clearly got frustrated with my staring in awe, and wanted me back, paying more attention to his dick than to his face. That was the first thing Ryan had said all night, since we got in the tent.

I pulled Ryan’s boxers off quickly, leaving him fully exposed. My nerves were making me rush everything. I stayed sitting up this time though, one hand on his dick and one hand on his chest, slightly pushing him down. I didn’t really know what I was doing, hell, I had no idea what I was doing, but it felt right, and Ryan seemed to be fucking loving it.  

I went slow to start with, teasing him a bit I guess. He was moaning and squirming underneath me, and trying to find something to grab onto. I flicked my thumb over his slit, and he shuddered and cried out loudly.

“Fuck, Brendon, let me, oh God

I did it again, leaning down this time to stop Ryan’s sentence with my mouth. He said something, but I didn’t know what, and then he turned us over again so that he was on top now.

He looked down at me hard, before leaning over to his bag and pulling the condom out of the side pocket. Okay. Calm down. Right. This was really going to happen.

I was scared as fuck, but I wanted it so badly that probably nothing could have stopped me from saying yes.

“Do you want to? It’s alright if you- I don’t mind”

“No, I mean, God yes


“Yes! Please, just, fuck Ryan”

To say that Ryan was a complete virgin, he seemed to know a lot about what he was doing. I didn’t think he’d lied to me about his sexual activity, but it was interesting...

Ryan leaned back over to his bag again and pulled out a bottle of lube. He slicked a couple of fingers up, and I was starting to breath pretty heavily now.

“It’s alright, I’ll go slow” He spread my legs, and pressed one hand to my inner thigh.

“Okay, okay, please I-” Ryan had already slowly put one finger in though, and it felt weird, didn’t hurt, but it felt so good as well. He looked so great. Just hovering above me, a concentrated look on his face.

When Ryan got to two fingers, I was crying out his name and trying to get him to do something, anything, to just.. more.

“Ah, shit, Ry- Ryan, just, fuck”

I could see Ryan smirking in the dark, and he pulled his fingers out. He put the condom on and poured out a generous amount of lube into his hand. He leaned down over me, and put his mouth to my ear. His warm breath sending shivers down my spine, as he whispered. “It’s alright, baby”

Baby. Baby. He called me baby. I thought I was going to die right there.

I felt him press up against my entrance, and I took a sharp breath as he started to push in. It was definitely a lot more than his fingers were, but it felt so much better than them as well.

Ryan stopped, and pulled back to look at me, asking me if it was okay to go on.

I nodded in the dark, hoping he’d see. “This is exactly where I’ve always wanted you, just-”


“Yes, please, I- just...”

Ryan pulled out, and pushed back in again. After he’d done it a few more times, I started to relax a bit. I wasn’t going to deny it, it did hurt. But it was what I expected. The pleasure was over taking everything anyway.

Ryan started to pick up the pace, thrusting in quickly and steadily. He put his lips back to mine, and we kissed clumsily. My cock kept rubbing up against Ryan’s stomach and I could feel pre-come leaking all over him. I was about to reach down to touch myself, when Ryan batted my hand out of the way.

“No. Let me... be patient, Bren”

He pulled away from my mouth, so that he could concentrate more on what he was doing. He was thrusting faster now, and was moving around inside me. His mouth was hung open in an ‘o’ shape, as he let out little stifled moans and cries. “Fuck, Brendon...” He looked so hot.

Ryan lowered himself down onto me and started going even faster. Finally he hit something inside me, which I guessed was my prostate.

“Holy fuck, Ryan yes, oh my God, yes, please, fuck

Ryan kept hitting it again and again, and I was going to explode any second, I could feel it. “Come, on Brendon, come for me” Ryan finally put his hand on my dick and started to pump me again and I thought I was going to pass out. It was so good, and it was too much.

Ryan was starting to get sloppy above me, and I could tell he was close too.

He was hitting my prostate every time now, and it was coming. “Ry- Ryan, fuck, I, oh my God. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck, holy-” I came all over his stomach and I'm pretty sure I got him on his upper chest and neck as well.

“Shit, Brendon” He came as well; a couple of seconds later, riding it out after, before flopping down to the side of me, exhausted.

I lay with my head tilted back and my eyes closed; just taking in everything that had just happened. Then I felt Ryan’s hand slip into mine. He squeezed it tight, and this time I squeezed back.

He turned his head to the side, leaning up to kiss the side of my mouth. “I love you Brendon”

I could barely believe my own ears. Finally. Finally. I could barely get the words out. “I love you too”

“I mean it. I really do”

“So do I. I mean it so much”

Ryan smiled softly and squeezed my hand again.

We lay quietly for a while, before I said something. “Why is this happening now, Ryan?”


“Well... why did you, I mean, suddenly decide to, ya know, just like, do that”

Ryan sighed, and turned onto his side to look at me. “It finally felt right”

“What do you mean, finally?”

“I’ve liked you for a long time, Brendon”

“Why didn’t you do something, you have no idea what I’ve had to deal with for the past, well... four years”

“Four years?”

“I’ve liked you since I was thirteen”

“Oh” That was all Ryan could say. I think he was honestly surprised at what I’d said. “I had no idea”


“I’m sorry”

“It’s alright”

“No... I should have done something sooner”

“Well, maybe I should have as well”

“I would have, it’s just-” Ryan brought his face up to me and rested his forehead against mine. “I was scared”

He kissed me softly and brought a hand up to my face, to cup it. “I was so scared that if I did something, it would ruin everything.”

“You and me both. You have no idea how many times I’ve just wanted to kiss you, and hold your hand or...”

“We’re both idiots”

“We are” I laughed slightly.

“You know... I tried to ignore everything for a while, because I didn’t want to think about it. I knew I couldn’t go on, if I still had feelings for you”

“What did you do then?”

“Well, as you know, I started acting all ‘holdy-handy’ and everything. I guess it was an unconscious attempt to still be close to you whilst trying not to want to kiss you every five seconds”

“Well, it certainly confused the fuck out of me, you fooled me. I never thought that anything you did ever meant anything to you”

“It meant a lot... secretly”

I didn’t tell Ryan about what those little things did to me. He felt just as confused and frustrated as I did, and I didn’t want to have a go at him because of it.

I kissed him again, before turning over onto my back. “I think we should get some sleep now”

“I tire you out?”

I blushed in the dark, thinking about what we’d done again, and hummed a yes to let Ryan know I’d heard him.

Ryan giggled, and shifted my sleeping bag out from underneath us. He unzipped it, so that it was more like a blanket, and pulled it over us.

“Goodnight, Brendon”

“Night Ryan” I replied, snuggling into his warm body.