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The Very Inappropriate Misuse of Stark Technologies

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Just a heads up; I’ve given the Cap a phone at last. Part of his integration with the 21st century and all that. Expect some hilarious texts from an unknown number within the next few days.

- Tony

 

What, you’re not going to show him how to use it?

- Bruce

 

Where’s the fun in that?

- Tony

 

You’re not a nice person.

- Bruce

 

My stunningly erotic physique makes up for that, though.

- Tony

 

Keep telling yourself that. Oh, just to let you know, I always find autocorrect or predictive text makes for some genuinely LOL-worthy moments. I’m only telling you this off the cuff. Not expecting you to put it into action as part of some dastardly plan or anything. Nope.

- Bruce

 

I will forgive the use of LOL because you are an actual genius.

- Tony

 

I know.

- Bruce

 

*

 

HELOITS SEVE

- Unknown

 

What? Sorry, I think you may have the wrong number.

- Bruce

 

NOBRU E I TS ETEVE

- Unknown

 

Eteve? I don’t know anyone by that name.

- Bruce

 

DON TBE ANAS SHO LETHS HONEISA HARDTS OUSE

- Unknown

 

One of those Blackberry types, huh? Tiny little keys?

- Bruce

 

YE

- Unknown

 

S

- Unknown

 

I’ll save the number as ‘Eteve’. When you work out how to only press one key at once, get back to me.

- Bruce

 

IWILA KSIL TONEY

- Eteve

 

*

 

This is the best idea I’ve ever had.

- Tony

 

I’m inclined to disagree. I’ve had thirteen blank text messages this morning.

- Natasha

 

Aw, come on. Surely even you can appreciate the humour?

- Tony

 

You Russians. All so stoic, all the time.

- Tony

 

I can kill you in thirty-two ways using nothing but my bare hands.

- Natasha

 

I love Russia. Beautiful country. Lovely women.

- Tony

 

Nice try. If you don’t show Steve how to use that piece of shit, I will!

- Natasha

 

Mommy, please can’t I play outside just a while longer? All the other kids are allowed.

- Tony

 

Thirty-two ways, Stark. Thirty-two ways.

- Natasha

 

And they’ll never find your body.

- Natasha

 

*

 

 

- Steve

 

 

- Steve

 

 

- Steve

 

This is Clint Barton’s answering machine. You’ve been redirected here because he has recently died of being REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED.

- Clint

 

 

- Steve

 

 

- Steve

 

I am going to kill Tony, Steve. Let him know that from me. When he’s sleeping.

- Clint

 

Or when he’s awake. I’m really not fussy.

- Clint

 

Maybe I’ll even hire someone else to do it. Natasha would enjoy it.

- Clint

 

But then I wouldn’t get the satisfaction of saving the world from his annoying little face myself.

- Clint

 

Huh, you’ve stopped. Maybe I’ll let Tony live.

- Clint

 

 

- Steve

 

Get me my bow and arrow.

- Clint

 

*

 

Hey Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

- Tony

 

I’m in the middle of something right now. Can it wait?

- Bruce

 

Can it wait? Can it wait?! Would I be texting you were it not urgent?

- Tony

 

Yes. You texted me last night with a running commentary on a repeat of Judge Judy.

- Bruce

 

Oh, but really. That was vital. How else would you know your rights in a small claims court? Now you know that should you ever have a nasty break-up, you’ll be entitled to your sofa.

- Tony

 

I don’t have a sofa.

- Bruce

 

Well then, all the more reason to get a girlfriend – or a boyfriend, I’m not judging; well, I am, but it’s because of the enormous green rage monster – who has a sofa, break up with her, and then claim your legal entitlement. No need to thank me.

- Tony

 

I wasn’t going to.

- Bruce

 

It’s precisely this sort of ungratefulness that, in my opinion, is contributing to the degradation of modern society.

- Tony

 

That and Beliebers.

- Tony

 

What are you talking about, Stark?

- Bruce

 

Hell if I know. I really, really like Martinis and auto-correct.

- Tony

 

Oh Jesus. It’s lunchtime and you’re already drunk?

- Bruce

 

Wanted a liquid lunch, but I was all out of soup.

- Tony

 

You’re an idiot.

- Bruce

 

My arc reactor’s bigger than yours.

- Tony

 

And yes, I am using my arc reactor as a metaphor for my penis.

- Tony

 

Very mature. I’m going to return to my experiment now. I hope it burns a hole through all your equipment.

- Bruce

 

BRUCE NO

- Tony

 

*

 

Urgent debriefing in my office, fifteen minutes.

- Agent

 

Oh, Agent Coulson, I am titillated. Should I take my briefs off as well or is it more of a show than a party?

- Tony

 

That’s disgusting. We can do this via text if you’d prefer.

- Agent

 

Saucy. All right, then. I’ll start. What are you wearing?

- Tony

 

This isn’t funny.

- Agent

 

Actually, it is. Look, see, I’m laughing and everything.

- Tony

 

The problem is Steve.

- Agent

 

Don’t beat about the bush, Agent. Let it all out.

- Tony

 

Since you gave him that phone, he’s been sending blank texts, random numbers and letters, emoticons – he’s out of control. Only you can stop him.

- Agent

 

But it’s fun.

- Tony

 

We have two trained assassins on our team. Do you want to take the chance?

- Agent

 

Jesus, you’re all such party-poopers. First the debrief, now this. No-one knows how to have fun any more.

- Tony

 

Stark.

- Agent

 

I’ll do it! God, no patience, you older gentlemen.

- Tony

 

*

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Go away, Tony. I’m at a very important stage in this investigation. I can’t take my eyes off it for more than a few seconds.

- Bruce

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

I mean it, Tony. Not now. We’ll talk later.

- Bruce

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Don’t make me get angry, Stark. Please.

- Bruce

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

KIFVJFDJF;JFD;SG

- Bruce

 

DFLHKSJHRJ

- Bruce

 

POY53POJ53’Y

- Bruce

 

PJHW[JOY

- Bruce

 

[KHTE#W[445

- Bruce

 

Goddamnit.

- Bruce

 

Hmm, so the Other Guy does know how to use Stark technologies.

- Tony

 

*

 

To : Tony Stark

From : Pepper Potts

Subject : Steve’s Phone

Tony,

For the love of all things deep-fried and coated in sugar, TELL STEVE HOW TO WORK THAT DAMN PHONE. If I receive one more text that just reads ‘jsgjgl’ (that’s an exact quote, by the way) I will lace your coffee with sleeping pills for a month.

 

To: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: RE: Steve’s Phone

Then I won’t drink it, will I?

It’s under control. Jesus, you lot have no patience. You are all cynics, blighted by a life of disappointment and broken dreams.

 

To: Tony Stark

From: Pepper Potts

Subject: RE: RE: Steve’s Phone

Yes, and I know you, Tony. When you say ‘it’s under control’, you could mean anything from ‘it’s sorted’ to ‘it will never happen, stop hoping and find a new dream’.

 

To: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Steve’s Phone

Then if you know me so well, you’ll know that I take team relations very seriously. I’m resisting the urge to cry here, Pep. Your lack of faith in me is, quite frankly, devastating. A bit like my good looks, really.

 

To: Tony Stark

From: Pepper Potts

Subject: My heart bleeds

Do it. Or I’ll give Jarvis a French accent.

 

To: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: RE: My heart bleeds

You wouldn’t dare.

 

To: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: You heartless wench

Jarvis just called me a ‘putain’. How did you do this and why would you do such a terrible thing? Sacre bleu, I’m on it!! Now give me back my faithful, humble Jarvis.

 

To: Pepper Potts

From: Tony Stark

Subject: Thank you

Hmph.

 

*

 

 

- Steve

 

Steve.

- Tony

 

 

- Steve

 

STEVE. Get your perfectly formed, defrosted butt in here. We have some technological interfaces to discuss.

- Tony

 

Oh, actually, Tony, that won’t be necessary.

- Steve

 

?????????????????

- Tony

 

You’re killing me here, Steve. I’m at a loss for words, and you know how rarely that happens.

- Tony

 

Far too rarely for my liking. Like I said, it won’t be necessary. I can use this phone just swell.

- Steve

 

You can use a highly modern phone but you can’t use a relatively archaic language. What are you, and why are you a thing that exists?

- Tony

 

AND WHY THE BLANK TEXTS?!

- Tony

 

Tony, if you’ll permit me to use English that you’ll understand, I believe I have ‘played’ you. ‘Trolled’ you, if you will.

- Steve

 

Made an ass of you, basically.

- Steve

 

Should have left you in the freezer.

- Tony

 

*

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

What

- Bruce

 

No punctuation? I’m hurt. Just letting you know that the Steve texts should stop.

- Tony

 

Good

- Bruce

 

Bruce? If this is about me sort of accidentally on purpose forcing a transformation on you, then I’m sorry.

- Tony

 

No you’re not

- Bruce

 

Bruce?

- Tony

 

Go away

- Bruce

 

Bruce, pleeeeeeeeease, with cherries on top, can we talk this through over a candlelit dinner of enzymes and chemical reactions?

- Tony

 

Go away

- Bruce

 

I’m sorry, OK?

- Tony

 

Bruce?

- Tony

 

*

 

IT HAS BEEN THREE DAYS AND YOU HAVE NOT YET SPOKEN TO MR STARK, FRIEND BRUCE. MAY I ASK WHY?

- Thor

 

You see the Caps Lock button? Press it. And not trying to be rude, but it’s none of anyone’s business. Sorry.

- Bruce

 

I SEE IT BUT I SHALL NOT PRESS IT. ALLOW ME TO MAKE A PUN; MR STARK HAS PRESSED YOUR BUTTONS ONE TOO MANY TIMES. AM I CORRECT?

- Thor

 

Jesus.

- Bruce

 

NO, I AM THOR, GOD OF THUNDER

- Thor

 

JESUS IS NOT OF ASGARD

- Thor

 

Christ.

- Bruce

 

HE IS NOT OF ASGARD, EITHER

- Thor

 

*

 

Capsicle, oh Capsicle, let down your hair!

- Tony

 

What on Earth are you talking about, Tony?

- Steve

 

I’m outside, obviously. Let me in, I’m freezing my ass off out here.

- Tony

 

It’s August.

- Steve

 

I can feel the icy tendrils of Bruce’s heart from here.

- Tony

 

I won’t let you in until you tell me why Bruce is refusing to talk to you. He also keeps referring to you as – and I’m quoting here, so don’t shoot the messenger – an a**hole with fake t*ts. Why? What did you do?

- Steve

 

Firstly, you actually censored ass and tits? You’re adorable. Really. I just want to wrap you in swaddling and claim you as my own. Hmm, that sounds quite kinky in hindsight. I like both options. Secondly, I didn’t do anything! He took offence at something, that’s all.

- Tony

 

I am ignoring the first part. What did you say that offended him?

- Steve

 

I didn’t do anything. I certainly didn’t force him to transform into our jolly green giant of a chum.

- Tony

 

Oh, Tony.

- Steve

 

Are you going to let me in now?

- Tony

 

No. Go talk to Bruce.

- Steve

 

He won’t let me in!!

- Tony

 

So override the access code, or whatever it is you do whenever I won’t let you in. Don’t even think about doing it now. I will hit you over the head with my shield.

- Steve

 

‘Override the access code’? Get you. Fine. If he goes all emerald assassin on me, you’re the first person I’m coming back to haunt.

- Tony

 

It’ll be interesting at least. Good luck, Tony.

- Steve

 

Hmph.

- Tony

 

*

 

Bruce

- Tony

 

Yes, Tony?

- Bruce

 

I’m sorry I broke your door down.

- Tony

 

It’s fine. Thor put a new one in for me this morning.

- Bruce

 

I’m loving the double-entendres that are present in that sentence. Are we cool?

- Tony

 

I’m not sure we were ever ‘cool’; you wear a red metal bodysuit and I turn green when I get annoyed. But yes, we’re cool. The flowers were a nice touch.

- Bruce

 

Weren’t they, though? I got them for Steve.

- Tony

 

As a joke.

- Tony

 

Not a romantic offering.

- Tony

 

I have sacrificial lambs for that purpose.

- Tony

 

Bruce?

- Tony

 

Sorry, something exploded. It’s fixed. I’m going to speak out of turn now.

- Bruce

 

Go ahead. You’ve earnt it.

- Tony

 

Right. Well, you should try giving the Captain one of those sacrificial lambs one day. He’d probably appreciate it more than you’d think. And just to be clear, we’re talking metaphorically here. Don’t go raiding any nearby farms. If I see it on the news, I WILL turn you in.

- Bruce

 

You are a fountain of nonsense and I am ignoring you from now on.

- Tony

 

And here I was, thinking we were friends again.

- Bruce

 

Thanks for the Cadmium, by the way. Was running low on that.

- Bruce

 

My pleasure. I’m off to see a man about a lamb.

- Tony

 

And by that, I mean my penis.

- Tony

 

*

 

Rapunzel? You in?

- Tony

 

Why am I Rapunzel? You have longer hair than I do. No, at Natasha’s. We’re watching the Wizard of Oz. No-one else will watch it with me.

- Steve

 

Our conversation the other night? Ring a bell?

- Tony

 

Oh. Yes. I see. You’re welcome to come here if you want. I asked Natasha. She only threw one vase.

- Steve

 

Hmm, I’ll give it a miss. What time will you be back?

- Tony

 

Couple of hours? I can use this phone now so I’ll text you when I’m at home. Sound fair?

- Steve

 

Very. I’m on your sofa. It’s incredibly comfy.

- Tony

 

You broke into my building?

- Steve

 

Overrode the access code. Hey, it was your idea, remember?

- Tony

 

Don’t touch anything. I’ll be there in five.

- Steve

 

Excellent.

- Tony

 

*

 

Fgsgiogiot

- Tony

 

89508ttoj

- Tony

 

Igipggoj

- Tony

 

Not now, Tony, please. Bunsen burners galore in here!

- Bruce

 

Ojh sorrye Breice I amsa at Steves’ I thikn I sait o my phoone OOH HELWLOSTEVE

- Tony

 

Please don’t text back. I’m ending this conversation.

- Bruce

 

STYEVE SAUYS HI!!!!

- Tony

 

I’#LL’ giove youas a cluoe; I’kpm not dru;lnk

- Tony

 

No

- Bruce

 

STEEEEEEEVE do’pn’t put yoru siohrt on!!!!

- Tony

 

NO

- Bruce

 

Eehehhehee

- Tony

 

WJEGJ;WEOUP5

- Bruce

 

‘WTOGHWEOTH

- Bruce

 

Hreiheee

- Tony

 

I dislike my life.

- Bruce

 

IK dopn’t!!!!

- Tony