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Lost along the way

Summary:

Alec is a well-known surgeon, married to Lydia, who’s a lawyer. They’re wealthy enough, have a good career ongoing, have a child and spend a pleasant life, but their marriage is awkward. They met for job reasons and quickly became best friends, then got married because they got along well, but the sparkle of love never burst between them. Right now, they’re carrying out a sexless marriage, but they don’t mind. Alec is a perfectionist and never looks fulfilled with what he gets, so Lydia is wondering if lately something’s going wrong with him. Now he wants to create a new wing at his hospital, so he needs to appease some rich people to fund it. The reason why he meets Magnus during a fundraising party. This is going to awake something he thought he had buried since his teen years, brushing it off as a phase, his weird attraction to men.

Notes:

I wanted to write this fic since forever, but I knew someone could find it improper, so to speak, because canon!Alec is gay and can't be anything else. I discussed this topic with some friends on Twitter and well, I waited, receiving conflicting opinions. I mean, I agree. Alec is gay. But this is an AU/Malec fic, so it might as well be used to explore real life bumps, as I did before. Being of (almost) old age, I happened to meet men who denied their true self so deeply - fearing families' disapproval or job issues or simply because they lived in a time and place that didn't allow them to be who they were - that ended to convince themselves it was something to brush off, like some youth mistake. Until they couldn't deny that anymore, hurting themselves and their loved ones in that journey. It's what will happen in this fic, so if you don't like to face it, don't read. We can still be friends :). But a big thank you to those who will give this fic a shot.

I'm going to post once a week, I suppose. More tags and characters might be added later.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: One

Chapter Text

 

“Are you ready, darling?”

Alec knocks at the door of their bedroom, after checking out his expensive wristwatch: they’re going to be late for the party and Alec hates being late.

A stickler for punctuality, just like he’s kind of maniac about any other event in his life: his job, his desk, his wardrobe.

He’s a successful doctor: despite his young age – he’s barely 40 - his reputation as a heart surgeon has spread and he’s used to get patients coming from the neighboring states. His medical skills are exceptional, and he is available to contemplate clinical cases which other doctors refused to get involved into, fearing to fail and ruin their positive statistics with hopeless patients inappropriately dying on them. He doesn’t mind, though, trusting his superlative ability.

His patients are grateful to him, even if they acknowledge he’s somehow cold in dealing with them. He’s very accurate in explaining what he’s going to do, talking about pros and cons, still what he lacks is some empathy and patients, while astonished by his talent, always feel slightly uncomfortable in his presence.

It might be the fact that he’s very tall and imposing, broad-shouldered like an athlete – he trains as much as he can, saying that it helps him to blow some steam off and to keep his mind clear when he’s at the operatory table, where he often spends hours, trying to save lives.

He's especially successful with his female patients – and even some male ones – because he’s undoubtedly handsome. His black hair is neatly slicked back, his hazel eyes seem fascinating, even if they’re hard to look at, hidden by his glasses, he’s always perfectly shaved – a daily fight for him. To avoid stubble along his shifts, he keeps a shaving kit in his locker at the hospital.

His desk is bare, somehow impersonal: no pics of his family, no small gifts his patients often pay homage to him with. Apart from the inevitable PC and the phone - no one but his assistant is allowed to call his number though - only a lamp of exquisite design his parents gifted to him when he graduated, few paper sheets neatly stacked, and a small tray where his assistant places the scientific reports published during the last week, so as Alec can stay updated with the latest news in medicine. In his rare free time, Alec goes through the articles, checks the most interesting ones with a clip and expects that what he didn’t mark disappears by the day after.

Everything in him is kept in strict order like his immaculate scrub, the pocket of which lacks the usual congeries of pens and pencils and small tools that doctors and nurses usually keep at hand. There are only a very expensive fountain pen and his badge, nothing else.

His schedule is tight, of course. He completely trusts his assistant Andrew Underhill, a kind and sunny man and one of the very few human beings able to catch Alec’s mood right when he walks inside the hospital. According to which, he manages Alec’s appointments and keep nosy coworkers and patients at bay before Alec could pin them down with a cold glare because they allowed themselves to bother him.

It's not that Alec is an unpleasant man. He simply can’t withstand that something could slip out of his control. So he hates setbacks, though he’s aware that they can happen and taint his day: those days rip the worst out of him and, though he’s always perfectly ready for his duties, people would better not to approach him then.

Anyway, this is the job he chose.

Maybe he didn’t exactly choose it; it’s a long family tradition that at least one out of the offspring pursues the medical career. Being the eldest, his parents’ expectations were on him. They didn’t pressure him too much, apparently. But since he was a child, they were talking of him of the “great doc” he could be, they brought him to visit the hospitals they worked in, they made him watch TV medical series debating clinical cases together… step by step, he became sure that that should have been his job, that he could be very good at that, until, when time for his choice came, Medical School seemed the logical option.

Being the perfectionist he is, of course he got top grades, one of the best of the entire School, though during the long night spent upon scientific books, his mind started dreaming of stories blooming from his heart: he had so many to tell, about his beloved animals, whose incredible behavior had always amazed him! An almost unstoppable desire to throw Medicine books away and write his own here and now about cows’ maternal instinct, until his control kicked in and he crashed those dreams under his iron will.

And of course, he graduated in record time and started his internship made of endless shifts and constant pressure. Along those years he kept on telling himself that being pressured was good, helped him to focus on what was important and to get rid of useless thoughts, dreams, or delusions. He barely ate, barely slept, he studied his cases in every free moment he could snatch, he was always ready – like he would have always been. Ready to answer a question from their supervisor, to replace a colleague on a shift even after his own was just over, to join the surgical equipe to get a chance of assisting and learning.

That attitude was rewarded with a job offer as soon as his internship was over. But the price he had paid, he didn’t come even close to understand, and he didn’t want to, either.

His supervisor was, and still is, Doctor Luke Garroway, a kind and wise man boasting a very long experience on the field. Around 50, he was young enough to be close to this smart boy showing such an insatiable desire in getting better and better and old enough to warn him against becoming a workaholic professional, bound to lose his relationship both with his loved ones and his patients. He was proud of Alec, though concerned about his excessive dedication to work, so when Alec’s internship was over, he himself pressed the medical board into offering him a position. He had never regretted this choice but somehow he wondered if it had been the right choice for Alec, enhancing his already actual inclination to self-sacrificing, bordering, in Luke’s opinion, to self-harm. He had even subtly tried to push Alec to see a therapist, but “I’m fine” being the usual, constant answer, he had given up soon. As long as Alec fulfilled his duties, and he was exceptionally brilliant at that, Luke couldn’t have a say in Alec’s life.

Now Luke, Chief of the Department, is still the colleague Alec refers to as his superior, but they’re actually friends. They see each other and their families for a monthly dinner, or a barbecue in those very rare Sundays off, or when some social events claim their presence. This is exactly the tonight event, a fundraising party thrown by the Hospital board to ask for donations: the money they’re hopefully going to collect will be partly used to expand the cardiology unit wing, something Alec has dreamed about since forever, and Alec can’t afford to be late, he has to be at his best to impress possible donors.

That’s why he’s becoming impatient and knocks again at the door of the bedroom, where his wife Lydia is making him wait while getting ready for the party.

Chapter 2: Two

Summary:

A brief glimpse in our characters' life.

Chapter Text

 

“Come in, Alec” Lydia says.

She’s still sitting at the vanity, but she’s completely dressed, and she’s giving the finishing touches to her makeup. She’s wearing a long evening gown, blue with golden sequins that match her blond hair, styled up in a loose bun that lets some strands gently falling along her cheeks. A sapphire parure of necklace, earrings and bracelet – it’s been the first really expensive gift Alec gave her, nothing too flashy but precious nonetheless – complete her outfit, and she looks just like she has to: the elegant, exquisite, sophisticated wife of one of the most prominent practitioners the hospital can brag about.

Not that she’s only some ornament to her husband’s career. She’s a lawyer working for a well-known firm, a very brilliant career ongoing: that’s how they, she and Alec, met a decade ago, when she was the youngest partner of the hospital legal board. A discontented patient had sued Alec for his father’s failed surgery and Alec had been addressed to her to debate his case. They had been seeing each other for a while only from a professional point of view, then they had tentatively started dating, just to see how it could go, and finally they agreed they shared enough feelings to get married.

It wasn’t love. They were perfectly aware that passion hadn’t burst between them, both having their own issues about relationships, yet they mostly agreed on what they thought relevant – job ethics, political opinions. They both craved for a quiet life, hanging around with the right people, earning enough money, after their long years of education, to repay their students’ debt and build a serene, almost uneventful existence.

Their marriage had been an equally low-key ceremony, only their families and a few strict friends: all in all, they weren’t in love, but they loved each other in a committed relationship. A solid partnership guaranteeing peace of mind and a good friendship.

Sex had been an issue since forever. None of them exceptionally into it, they lost interest soon: they both believed that this happened to any couple after a few years of marriage, though actually they didn’t usually touch the topic. Feeling it like a duty to fulfil, they had anyway conceived a child, Maxwell Robert, now 6. After delivery, Lydia had asked Alec not to sleep with her anymore and Alec hadn’t had a say, he didn’t mind so he agreed.

“Lydia, you know we can’t be late, this party is too important to get new funds for the hospital!”

Lydia stands up from the seat. “Lead the way, Alec. Did you call our cab already?”

“It’s downstairs waiting for us” he says.

They hurry down to the hall and outside. The night is cool and Lydia wears a blue silk shawl. Also Alec chose a blue tux with satin lapels, a light blue shirt and a papillon. They are a beautiful couple. Alec opens the car door for her and lets her sit, then he goes the opposite side and sits beside her, giving the driver the address. Then, coming closer, he takes her hand and kisses its back in a very old-fashioned way.

“You’re so beautiful, my dear. Everyone will fall for you.”

Lydia smiles. “I need to seduce your possible victims. It will be a bloodbath!”

Alec smiles back. “The whole hospital board will be on their toes. At least they told me that the catering has been assigned to a different firm this time, maybe food will be okay. First thing first, feed your preys then strip the flesh off them when they’re properly gorged.”

“Alec… please” but she’s clearly trying to hold a laughter. Right after, though, she becomes serious. “I know you need these funds. I’ll do my best. Who’s going to join the party?”

“Same usual big shots plus some new entries. This year the board could rip Bane’s family consent to take part of the show, a lucky strike, they might make the difference.”

“Bane? Remind me what’s their playing field?”

“Mostly high-tech stuff. But they opened a department supplying medical electronic devices, good quality innovative machinery, and maybe they could offer, I don’t know, a new MR, but honestly I’d prefer money to fund the construction of my new wing. Whatever, let’s hope for the best.”

“Do you know which one of the Banes will be our guest? I seem to remember that the old one is sick, but there’s a son, isn’t it?”

 Alec scoffs. “Yes, I have never met him, but rumors have it he’s a disappointment to Bane senior: an only son who’s famous for hanging around parties all the time, not wearing the same clothes twice, getting drunk and banging different males and females as often as he changes his shoes… that means very often! But maybe this makes it easier to lure him into funding, since looks like he doesn’t show any interest to get into dad’s business and he likely can’t wait to come back to his flamboyant useless life.”

“Alec! Language… “

“Nah… I’ll be the perfect gentleman, polite and flattering. Lydia, I want that new ward.”

Lydia sighs. Sometimes her husband’s greed looks too much, somehow terrifies her. Alec is never fulfilled, he needs more and more, more work, more patients, more fame, more power … he never stops, he never rests, he never slows down to think about his lifestyle. And Lydia wonders what he’s missing, since nothing looks able to give his soul some peace.

She loves him, he’s her best friend. He took care of her in rough times, supported her in developing her career, he’s an affectionate, trustworthy and faithful partner who accepted this almost sexless marriage without batting an eye. He’s a loving father, as long as his challenging job allows him to.

Yet, sometimes Lydia surprises him sporting a longing gaze towards nothingness – such an unusual mood in Alec – and she would like to dig into that part of his soul that is forbidden to her. But Alec quickly snaps out of his thoughts and becomes his usual smart, ironic, kind self. Detached self, somehow.

Lydia spends a little time watching out of the car window the busy life of people running along the streets, the bright lights of the advertising panels, the chaotic bustle and hustle all around them, until they reach the city outskirts, and the frantic world seems to slow down a little.

She makes an effort to smile at him. “You’ll get it, I trust you. I’ll try to be of help as much as I can.”

Alec snorts. “I hope that doesn’t mean cheating on me with some big fish…”

Lydia’s smile falters and Alec realizes he’s gone too far.

“I’m sorry, dear, I was kidding, of course.” He takes her hand again and kisses it. “I’ve been rude.” Then he takes a deep breath. “I hate these parties. I feel crowded, I wish I were at the hospital, doing my job.” Then he adds, but it sounds strained. “Or home with you and our boy.”

Lydia perfectly knows that he’d choose the former upon the latter. It’s his stubborn nature. She also knows he has got unsolved issues about performances; whichever matter he deals with, he always must be the best one. Perks of the high expectations his family poured on him. But he refuses to admit there’s something wrong, something off-key in his behavior, so Lydia can only support and help him.

“It’s fine, darling. Let’s try to make the most of this.”

Meanwhile, they have reached their destination, a very fancy new hotel the large ballroom of which is due to host the convention. Alec climbs down the car first and helps Lydia out, pays the taxi driver and arm in arm they walk inside.

Chapter 3: Three

Summary:

Some unpleasant meetings at the party... and a earth-shattering one.

Notes:

Fun fact: I suddenly realized I unconsciously dressed Lydia in blue and gold :)))

Chapter Text

 

They are welcomed by a subdued music that comes from some hidden speakers. Loud enough to entertain the guests, quiet enough to allow conversations, since talk and form alliances and build useful contacts are the main goals of these meetings. The tycoons are mostly men, with very few exceptions. More often, women are ornaments that can be split into two groups: stiffly wives and cheerful young females half the age of their partners. Two groups that can’t mix at all.

 The ballroom is brightly illuminated by a dozen crystal chandeliers that spread a warm glow all around. The ladies party dresses sparkle with glitter and their ears, necks, arms and hands with jewelry; it’s an ostentatious display of wealth, nothing to do with Lydia’s subdued elegance. Lydia knows what it means to work her ass off, studying and having to take a job until late at night since the scholarship is not enough to make ends meet and also pay tuition. What she has got now, it’s her own achievement. What Alec has got now, too, even if his family could have helped him. But he always chose to earn everything on his own, he chose not to owe anything to anyone.

These people look like they never had to deal with financial straits. They were probably born from wealthy families already and got married to other wealthy people as well. Alec and Lydia feel something alike, a sort of mild contempt, towards them, but it doesn’t matter right now. They need to gain their trust – and their money, at least given that this money is tax deductible, so this might help.

Alec and Lydia split up, each of them hunting their own prey, Lydia joining a group of old biddies ready for some gossip, Alec pointing a few aged tycoons, already tipsy and sweaty in their tuxes.

“Good evening, gentlemen!” he starts.

“Doctor Lightwood! It’s so nice to see you!”

Ugh! Valentine Morgenstern… Alec has always felt so uncomfortable in his presence. He’s maybe the richest one, among these bunch of magnates, and Alec knows he’s the smartest one, too. Valentine has always had brilliant intuitions for business, increasing tenfold the fortune his father left him, but, in Alec’s opinion, he gives off bad vibes. Like a predator who’s only waiting for a hint of weakness in his prey, ready to strip its flesh off. He and his minion Starkweather are sporting a bright smile, that looks more like they’re baring teeth.

“We know that parties are not your favorite environment, so we’re so honored you could join us.”

“Well, Doctor Lightwood prefers to save lives, isn’t it, more than hanging around with us humble tradesmen,” Victor Aldertree adds, and everyone bursts in a belly laugh.

Dickheads, Alec thinks, but plasters his best fake smile, pretending to join the general fun. A waiter comes close to him; Alec takes a glass of champagne – of course it’s champagne, what else? – and starts to sip it, hoping to buy himself some time and squeeze his disgust, before saying something he could regret.

Remember you need their money, they are nothing more to you but ripe grapes to squeeze.

This thought Alec keeps repeating inside his mind, trying to elaborate some proper answer. He knows he’s totally out of his element here. Maybe he should dedicate himself to seduce their wives, Lydia always says that, because he’s handsome and polite and young - and charming, when he makes some effort.

He opens his hands wide and gives them a lopsided grin.

“Don’t underestimate yourselves, gentlemen. I might save lives but you…oh, you built a fortune from scratch, isn’t it an amazing ability as well?”

Of course, this feeds their pride, it’s the right answer. They nod in concert, smiling and inflating like balloons.

“That’s right, thank you for acknowledging this, doc. We might need your talent in the future – god, I hope I don’t!”  Valentine exclaims, addressing the group, “But you need ours right now for sure” and everyone laughs again loudly.

Alec takes a couple of deep breaths to avoid lashing out; he can’t wait for this party to end already.

Maybe sensing his discomfort, Valentine asks the other guests for excusing them, and reaches towards Alec, slipping his arm around Alec’s shoulders in a friendly gesture and starting to walk towards the balcony.

“Please excuse our grossness, Doc, we’re ordinary people, nothing to share with your brilliant brain. But give us some credit, you know we might be of help. I heard of this new cardiological wing you’re so eager to build. We could… talk about it. And, just between us, if we could negotiate some agreement, I’d like you to be in charge of it.  I know you have the proper skills – I have my sources to be kept informed – and yes, I could be available to give my contribution, more so, I’d be glad to do that.”

“That would be great, Mr. Morgenstern. I can’t deny how much the hospital needs this new ward and I’d be honored to oversee it” Alec starts.

Valentine stops and looks at Alec straight in the eye.

“Did you know my son Jonathan is a physician too?”

Alec almost flinches, sensing the blackmail coming, but manages to refrain.

“He is?” he asks warily.

“Yes, he’s young and unexperienced, he graduated almost a year ago, but he’s still… looking for his path, so to speak. I would love if you could offer him a chance to practice under you. I’m sure he’ll be grateful for this, and you’re going to get the most devoted student you could deal with.”

Valentine reached to whisper at Alec’s ear.

“And the most grateful father, too.”

Alec closes his eyes and takes another deep breath, trying to elaborate a polite enough answer without giving himself away with a promise he doesn’t know if he can keep – or want to - but he already knows that this is his best chance to get the money from these rich assholes. Finally, he also thinks he can manage some newbie and put them in their place.

“I understand, Mr. Morgenstern. Yet, it’s not my decision to take, but the hospital board’s. I could only put in a good word about that.”

Valentine’s smile grows wider. “But that would be very generous of you already! I couldn’t ask for more, Doc.” Then, with an apparently nonchalant gesture, “We smart people understand each other quite well.”

“We do…” Alec slowly adds. Then he grabs another glass from a tray the closest waiter is carrying and gulps whatever it contains in a single shot. A sudden dizziness hits him, reminding that he didn’t eat anything yet; hell, he needs to keep his mind clear, there’s too much at stake here and now.

Meanwhile, Valentine is looking around, like he’s searching for someone.

He pats Alec on his shoulder. “Doc, I want to introduce you to a partner of mine, a man who’s supposed to join our project, at least I hope so. Did you ever hear of Bane Industries? Of course you did, they’re famous all over the nation and abroad too.”

Alec can’t even try to decline the invitation, both because he’s a bit confused – he’s not much of a drinker, and blames this second shot – and because he remembers that, for the first time, they were able to have the Banes as their guests, and their contribution to the funding might be crucial.

“Sure I did,” he answers – is he a bit slurring? Seriously? Oh no, he can’t afford that! – “I’ll gladly meet them.”

“Um… Doc – suddenly Valentine looks hesitant – actually, it’s not the older Bane I might introduce to you, he’s sick lately and doesn’t feel like joining parties, but he sent his son on his behalf. This boy – his name is Magnus – is somehow… whimsical? I know his father hopes he takes the reins of the firm, but he looks more interested in clothes and parties and… you know… flings… both ways. Embarrassing his dad.”

“Yes, I heard some... shit, not for badmouthing him – Alec quickly adds – but that’s not what matters to us, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely, Doc. But if you want to propel him into offering a donation, better, into convincing dear old dad to, you should try to, I don’t know, look like you approve of his choices, or at least don’t disapprove of… could be extra kind and flatter him a bit. And since you’re handsome, my dear Doc, he could appreciate you too, if you get what I mean!”

Valentine bursts into laughter, while Alec is gaping at him before feeling suddenly furious about his rude words. Then he swallows, he must stay deadpan, this hell of a party will come to an end, sooner or later.

“I don’t think my wife will agree,” he says rather coolly, “anyway thanks for introducing me, I’m sure we’ll find some common ground to debate without being too… accommodating.”

Valentine doesn’t reply and nods towards a group of men chatting beside the balcony, the usual glass at hand.

“Gentlemen – he calls when he and Alec come closer to them – I’d like you to join me in appreciating the presence tonight of a man, a physician, our Nation can rightfully be proud of. May I introduce to you Doctor Alexander Lightwood?”

A small applause raises from the group, with smiles and toasts to Alec, who slightly bows in thanks. Then Valentine starts to name everyone for Alec, until the world blurs in a mist and Alec’s gaze stops, focusing onto one of the participants, a man younger than most, maybe around his 30. Suddenly, there’s no one but them in the room. Eyes wide open, lips slightly parted, hands frozen mid-gesture, Alec is unusually speechless, only noticing how intense is the gaze of the other man who's staring at him too.

“And this is – Alec snaps out of his enchantment when Valentine points out the man – Mr. Magnus Bane.”

The in-famous Magnus Bane.

Chapter 4: Four

Summary:

Meet Jason...

Notes:

I know you all were waiting for Malec interaction... sorry, not yet. This is a brief glimpse into Alec's past, when he was a confused teenager and he was being taught that his feelings were wrong. He wasn't helped to learn and grow, he was afraid, and when you're afraid and no one supports you and everyone around you says or makes you feel you're wrong...sometimes you don't have enough strength to fight. So you seek refuge in what looks safer.

Chapter Text

 

Alec loved the Biology class, especially when they debated about animal life and behavior. You could say that Ethology is his favorite topic, actually. Reading of animal domestic life or the ways they courted or studying how hierarchies were built within a group, everything was so fascinating, and Alec couldn’t help but wonder how the same behavioral mechanisms could be compared with humans'. An amazingly interesting research field. Usually getting top grades, Alec had already asked his teacher for joining an incoming project involving a week trip to birdwatching. A test was scheduled today, and Alec was totally planning to be at his best, hoping that the teacher chose him for the group that would conduct the observations from life.

 

He waved at his friend Jason, coming from the opposite direction to head together to the Biology department where the test was going to be held. It was a pleasantly cool and sunny late spring morning: the test was due in the afternoon, but they had planned to meet in advance to check their preparing for the exam.

“Hey man, how’s it going?” Jason exclaimed, giving him high-fives.

“Ugh, don’t get me started! I’m terrified about the test,” Alec replied, shuddering.

"Gee, I know it sucks, but man, you’re always the best. What could scare you? You know I only speak truth, head honcho! Look, why don’t we have a stroll through the park? To soothe your nerves? It’s such a beautiful day today, look, I grabbed some sandwich and water from the coffee shop, we could eat on a bench,” Jason said.

Alec smiled. “Why not? Good idea. We could observe the squirrels meanwhile and take notes. I should find a topic for my monthly report anyway.”

“Alec, I can’t stand you anymore. Can’t you allow yourself to have some fun?”

Alec couldn’t hold his friend’s gaze and looked at the bright sky, suddenly finding it much more appealing.

“Ah, I can’t, Jason. You know, my parents keep pushing on me getting good grades, if I want to have a chance to go to college, I can’t help but comply. They are not… easy.”

“Crap… what school are you going to attend?”

“That’s another sore spot. I wish I could study Ethology or Life Sciences… or maybe become a vet, but you know… in my family the firstborn always becomes a physician, so – he sighed – well, I have time still, maybe I could try to make my case.”

In the meantime, they had reached the bench and sat down. Alec leant against the back, staring at the foliage of the tree upon them, which were gently rustling with the breeze.

Jason unwrapped the sandwiches and handed one to Alec, together with a bottle of water.

“Here, enjoy, - he exclaimed – eat and drink and forget your troubles for a while!”

A tiny smile blossomed on Alec’s face. “Yeah, sure, alcohol is what I’d need.”

“Sorry man, - Jason replied – not aged enough, try to get drunk with water.”

They laughed together and started eating, every now and then exchanging timid glances. An unusual warmth was growing inside Alec, that he had rarely experienced before, and he wondered if this feeling could be given a name. He already knew there was something more than a simple friendship, between him and Jason, but he also had already acknowledged that in his reality there couldn’t be anything else, between two boys. Even if thinking of Jason sometimes made him envision making out sessions, or skin to skin contacts… Alec was a virgin, physically and emotionally, and his fantasies couldn’t go that far, and he was used to quickly erase them from his mind.

Done with their modest lunch, they disposed of the garbage and then it happened: while Alec was going to raise from the seat, Jason took Alec’s hand between both his. Gently and with the utmost care, he started to run his thumb across its back, then he raised it to his lips and kissed Alec’s fingers, one by one, light as a feather.

Alec’s heart was beating wildly, his breath ragged. “What are you doing?” he whispered.

Jason didn’t answer. He came closer and kissed him on the lips. Alec opened his eyes wide, then closed them shut and let it go, relishing the sensation. It was a chaste, barely hinted kiss, but for Alec it was like a thunder in a sunny sky.

They parted quickly. “Sorry” Jason said.

Alec shook his head, trying to find the right word.

“Don’t – he murmured – it was… I don’t know. But I… liked it.”

Jason’s smile overcame the brightness of the sun.

“Aren’t you mad at me? Really? I was scared, I didn’t want to ruin anything between us, but Alec, I had to do that. I… like you, so much.”

“I could never be mad at you, Jaz. But… I don’t think I can do it. It’s… (wrong, he thought. But how such a tender, delightful, emotional experience could be wrong when it looked so right?). Or could we go slowly? I don’t want to hurt you but I don’t really know how I feel about this.”

Jason lowered his gaze. “I get it, Alec. Take your time, but... I hope that, in a while… “

“Yeah, who knows… Jaz, I have my class in a few minutes, so, I mean, couldn’t we talk later?”

“Sure, let’s go, and – he cupped Alec’s cheek and Alec leaned in the touch – thank you, for being you, an amazing and caring and lovely man.”

 

Alec was really distracted while performing his test. He kept coming back to that kiss, to the shocking gaping hole that that revelation had opened inside his soul; he had liked that kiss. He knew he should have been mad at Jason, a responsible boy should have moved away from him disgusted, yet he couldn’t. Instead, Alec could only think of Jason’s blue eyes looking at him so hopefully, of his bright smile, of how to stroke his hair or hug him or… lie beside him could be.

Staring at the ceiling, he didn’t realize that he was running short of time, and barely could finish his test, hoping that, during those last rushed minutes, he didn’t make too many mistakes, hence jeopardizing his chances to join the biology project.

Walking out of the class, he stumbled into his sister Isabelle. He didn’t know whether he should thank God since right now, to be sane, he had to avoid Jason at all costs, or curse his fate since, of all people in the world, his sister was the only one who could always easily read his mind. And given his sullen mood and his current discomfort, maybe he hadn’t been that lucky.

Of course, Isabelle immediately realized that something was going wrong with her brother. The smile on her face when she had spotted Alec slowly faded, replaced by a concerned look.

“Alec, what’s wrong?” she asked, scrutinizing him from below, her brow furrowed. She was much shorter than him, but not less scaring, when she decided to investigate.

Alec tried to escape her inquiry. “Nothing. I’m fine! Perfectly fine,” but he already knew he had no hope.

“Don’t try to sell me your bullshit, Alec. You’re sad, you look… scared? What happened?” She came closer to him and grabbed his hands. “You know you can tell me everything, whatever crap you’re dealing with. I can help my big brother!”

Alec shook his head. “I… can’t, Izzy. I – oh god” he stuttered. His haunted look moved Izzy even more. She held his gaze and cupped his cheek.

“Alec, I love you. You’re my big brother but also my best friend, I’ve never hidden anything from you, even when I knew you didn’t approve of me, because I’ve always been sure about your love. Trust mine towards you. Let’s take a seat and please talk to me!”

They sat on a bench and Alec took a deep breath trying to convey all his thoughts.

“I… kissed a boy today,” he whispered.

“You what?”

“I kissed a boy. Jason, you know him.” Izzy nodded. “Actually, he kissed me, but Izzy, I… I liked it. I like him. What can I do? It’s wrong, it’s a sin, I’m doomed, Izzy. I need to get rid of these feelings. It simply can’t be!”

On the verge of tears, Alec looked at Izzy, hoping she could still love him. She remained silent for a while, then hugged him tight.

“Oh, Alec…,” she sighed.

“Aren’t you thinking less of me now?” he asked tentatively.

She stared at him. “Never. I will always love you no matter what, and anyway, Alec, there’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know, you’re already brooding about people talking and mom and dad getting angry – believe me, I get it. But Alec, you can’t deny your true self, if it’s what you are, and you’re valid, your feelings are valid.”

He lowered his head, already refusing this truth.

“I’m grateful I have you in my life, Izzy, but this can’t be, it can’t happen. I made a mistake and I’m not going to forgive myself for that. I’m sure it’s… a phase. I’ll go beyond. I’ll meet some nice girl to hang around with, and I’ll forget everything.”

Izzy scoffed. “This is mom and dad speaking, Alec, it’s not you. Think about it. If you didn’t feel it right, you’d have pushed Jason away, instead of being happy for your first kiss.”

“How do you know it was my first kiss?!” he asked aggressively.

Izzy looked at him as pitying him. “Alec……”

“Fine. It was. But that doesn’t change anything.”

He had that stubborn look into his eyes, his jaw clenched, and Izzy understood there was no point in trying to insist. She hugged him once more. “Have it your own way, Alec. Yet, when this thing will come back to bite you in the ass, believe me, I’ll be there, picking your pieces.”

Chapter 5: Five

Summary:

Magnus' POV at the party.

Chapter Text

 

Magnus Bane is bored.

Maybe even slightly annoyed.

Leaning onto a wall, a glass in his hand, Magnus is secretly cursing his father who forced him to join this party that is becoming more and more intolerable as the hours slowly go by.

It’s not that he doesn’t love parties, far from it; but the parties he likes host cheering people who want to have fun, listen to some music and dance, or friends to spend quality time with, and often offer him the chance of having a night full of pleasure and moans. While friends are forever, at least those few friends he trusts with his life, these flings last only hours. Just some good time spent together, to give each other pleasure, those encounters mostly end with Magnus not knowing even his partner’s name, but it doesn’t matter. No strings attached, no commitments. He’s had enough with Camille, so he doesn’t need another heartbreaking story, thank you very much.

This party looks like work, actually. Boring work. So many old assholes to entertain, that’s what his dear dad reminded him, because this is a fundraising party, so he’s going to choose which cause he should offer his money for, saving it from taxation, but it should also be Magnus’ solemn entrance in business. He should meet people, make himself known as the right heir of Banes&Co, the one who’s going to take the reins of the company his dad built through years of hard work and no mercy.

Pity that this is the main topic of arguments with Asmodeus. Magnus isn’t interested in business at all. Asmodeus says that it’s the bad influence his mother exerted on him, she was so inclined to daydreaming, deep in music, literature, art and all this useless stuff.

Magnus loved his mom and spent with her the best time of his life. They were so close, while Asmodeus was busy in building his empire, and when Magnus lost her, he swore to himself to keep her memory alive forever, nurturing all the passions and dreams they shared. So, now Magnus is secretly writing a novel; he already published a few shorter works under an alias, with some success and good reviews from critics, and he’s almost ready for the bigger leap. Then, he will be able to brush off his dad’s expectations and live the life he feels right for himself, even giving up dad’s money and the trend he’s used to.

He sighs, wondering what his friends are doing now. He’d pay something to be with them, even for a quiet night home, chatting and watching awful TV programs or playing games the main purpose of which is angrily quarrel about rules and cheat, to end with a toast and a group hug – until next time. He smiles to himself, he’s lucky to have them in his life.

But back to reality, he’s also wondering if he could sneak off the hall somewhere, to avoid these too bright lights, these too intense perfumes, this endless chatting. There’s a balcony, he could enjoy some fresh air! He’s heading there when he spots Camille outside, undoubtedly flirting with her last brand-new toy guy. Damn, he didn’t realize she joined the party too, and he has no desire at all to bump into her and listening to the ironic remarks she usually throws at him when they unluckily happen to meet.

He's trying to find another escape way when he hears Valentine Morgenstern call him aloud. Gee… he must have used all his luck already tonight. He gracefully turns on his heels, plastering his best smile onto his face, and moves towards the men gathering near Valentine.

“Mr. Morgenstern, it’s such a pleasure to meet you tonight! Hunting for some prey? I’m available to play the part, my father sent me here with this purpose, after all.”

“You flatter me, Mr. Bane. Though I should say I’m tempted – and he bursts in a gross belly laugh – but no, not right now, at least. I’d love to introduce you to someone.”

Valentine moves aside, letting Magnus have a look at his soon-to-be new acquaintance.

And Magnus freezes.

He’s… holy hell, he’s gorgeous.

Tall, dark and handsome, exactly Magnus’ favorite type.

Exceptionally handsome, he would say, in his three-pieces blue, very expensive suit, hair slicked back – but how could it feel, running his fingers through those locks, when they’re free of products? – a perfectly shaved, strong jaw slightly clenched, seeing which Magnus understands he’s upset to be here just like Magnus is - but Magnus wants to stroke it and make it soften – long, delicate fingers – Magnus has a kink for male hands – the most beautiful hazel eyes Magnus has ever seen and lips he suddenly wants to taste: everything in this man hits Magnus as a bolt of lightning, and he finds himself staring, while the world around disappears and the voices become some buzz in the background.

The man is staring too. They are stuck in a moment that lasts a hundred years, their looks trying to convey a flood of sensations, weird and exciting at the same time. Magnus’ fingers start to move imperceptibly, his thumb drawing circles on his forefinger, like he does when he’s stressed or too emotional. He looks at the man under his eyelashes – that man is a bit taller than him, and Magnus is not short, at all – and notices how his pupils are slightly dilated, his lips parted.

Suddenly, the booming of Valentine’s voice snaps them out of their thoughts.

“Mr. Bane, may I introduce to you Doctor Alec Lightwood? He’s one of our most prominent heart surgeons, in the process of becoming chief of the new cardio unit that could be opened thanks to this fundraising. Doctor Lightwood, Mr. Bane, CEO and only son and heir of Banes&Co, the company we were talking about previously.”

Magnus makes a step forward, slowly reaching his hand. Alec takes it and shakes it firmly – a strong hold, Magnus thinks – and maybe, only maybe, he holds Magnus’ hand for a little more than necessary.

Valentine smirks. Then he keeps talking, while the two men are looking into each other’s eyes.

“Well, Mr. Bane, we would like to showcase our plans for this new ward, it could be a real improvement for our hospital, our… feather in the cap, so to speak. I can assure you that Doctor Lightwood possesses all the needed skills and experience to run it. If you were so kind to listen to our project.”

Magnus smiles, but it’s directed to Alec more than to Valentine.

“I will be totally glad to hear of your project, Doctor Lightwood,” he slowly says. “We could set a suitable appointment to discuss it. In a more appropriate time and place, I think.”

Alec shakes himself from the reverie that seems to have held him since he saw Magnus. He needs to focus, this is his best chance to get what he wants. He takes a card out of his pocket.

“Sure thing, Mr. Bane. I’ll be glad to show you my ideas as well, and debate with you about a proper development. May I give you my number – I mean, my assistant number – so our secretaries might compare our job schedules and find a suitable day for our meeting? I suppose you’re busy just like I am.”

“Of course, Doc. Thank you so much.”

Alec smiles back.

“I’m the one who’s going to thank you, if we come to an agreement.”

Meanwhile, Valentine looks at their exchange with a knowing smirk and stores it for future, possible uses. Then he claps his hands.

“Very well, gentlemen. When you’ve drawn a rough plan, we could join you to define mine and our colleagues’ contributions to this business, that looks so promising. Doctor Lightwood, I need you to meet some other businessman who could be interested in it. Mr. Bane, thank you for taking the time.”

That said, he grabs Alec’s arm and not too kindly pushes him towards another group of people, leaving Magnus alone. Alec bows his head towards Magnus as a greeting, but his look lingers intensely on him.

Magnus unabashedly follows Alec’s figure walking away, rolling his tumbler’s stem between his thumb and forefinger.

“He’s handsome, isn’t he? – a voice behind him resounds – exactly your type.”

Magnus stiffs and twirls to find himself in front of a smirking Camille.

“I was already hoping I could avoid you the whole night, but I wasn’t that lucky, after all” he says, frowning.

“Why, baby? Can’t old friends get together to spend some time with… glee?”

“There has never been any ‘glee’ between us, Camille. I was in love with you and you weren’t, that’s all. It’s been lasting even too much, and I don’t need to reopen old wounds, thank you very much.”

“Aw, so you still care about me, dear? I knew that!”

“I don’t – Magnus almost growls, even if he tries to keep it quiet – come back to your ‘acquaintance’ for this party, Camille, and let me go.”

Camille looks at him with a knowing smile, tilting her head.

“I saw how you stared at the pretty doc, Magnus. Who knows if he’s into men, too? Because he’s married, you know. To that gorgeous woman,” she nods towards Lydia, who’s smiling and chatting among a group of elegant middle-aged women, among whom she stands out like a kingfisher among grey pigeons. Then she sighs, still smiling, that small tight-lipped smile Magnus learnt to hate. “Well, good luck, my dear. I hope you’re not going to get a heartbreak. One more, I mean.”

That said, she walks away, wiggling her hips.

Magnus holds his glass so tight that he wonders how he still didn’t crush it. Then he takes a few deep breaths. Camille has always had this awful ability of getting to him, making him feel inadequate, worthless… hopeless.

Maybe it’s time to leave.

Chapter 6: Six

Summary:

Alec's POV after the party.

Chapter Text

 

Magnus Bane is a gorgeous man.

This is the first thought Alec can elaborate when he’s introduced to the young CEO. Morgenstern said he’s – how did he say? -  whimsical, and actually Magnus Bane can’t go unnoticed, at all. It’s an elegant night ball with a dress code, so he’s wearing a suit, three pieces just like Alec’s, but a few details make him unforgettable. His deep burgundy outfit, coupled with a light pink shirt, sticks out like a sore thumb in a sea of black and grey and dark blue. His vest, that emphasizes his incredibly slim waist, a strong contrast with his broad shoulders, is lavishly embroidered, decorated with a silver chain, his hair shows thin, burgundy-colored stripes that match his clothes. He wears rings, to almost all fingers, a couple of precious bracelets, and Alec could swear he’s wearing makeup too, even if it can barely be noticed.

He's smiling. Somehow Alec feels like that smile might be directed to him only: Magnus’ mouth was drawn in a thin line before, the corners just lifting, but his smile widens, when his gaze meets Alec’s. Alec shakes Magnus’ offered hand, and when their eyes meet, he can’t help but wondering what color Magnus’ eyes actually are.  They are… golden? With flicks of brown and green. The color of a thick forest when the autumn sun rays run through the foliage, filling the air with a molten gold glow.

Alec’s gaze lingers onto the man, holding his hand a little more than necessary, then he hears Valentine praising him and his skills, trying to convey Magnus’ interest on the task at hand, that is getting off his bucks – yes, it’s rude, but what else are they gathering for, hypocritically making acquaintances they don’t mind about and complimenting each other and pretending to be kind?

So Alec blinks and smiles back. He needs to appease this young man. Yet, if he wants to be true to himself, there’s something more but simple expediency that attracts him towards him. Alec shrugs inside, though, and since Magnus himself looks interested in debating Alec’s project, he suggests arranging for an appointment, offering him his card; then he feels Valentine grab his arm – Alec hates to be touched without consent… well, he hates to be touched, period - and drag him towards another group of people.

He nods at Magnus in greeting and while he’s walking away, he can’t help but turn his head, sensing Magnus’ eyes following him.

 

***

It’s past midnight when the party ends, at last. Alec is more tired than he is when he’s performing a 12-hours open heart surgery: head and feet hurting, he’s dizzy from stale air and from having a glass too much, nauseous from meaningless chats and fake smiles, he can’t wait to take this fancy clothes off, have a relaxing shower and throw himself into his bed for a well-deserved night sleep, since tomorrow he’s off duty and also off call, something that seldom happens.

He and Lydia slowly walk inside their home, both lost in thoughts.

“Go and have your shower, Alec – Lydia says, wearily – while I go and check on Max and let the babysitter go home.”

Alec kisses her cheek. “Thank you, darling.”

He starts stripping, methodically arranging his clothes properly, folding them best he can, even if they’re going to be cleaned tomorrow. He can’t help but doing as such. He physically can’t throw them here and there, even if he’s bone tired and it’s a useless task. If he didn’t fold them carefully, he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He tried before. But the sensation of that kind of mess right beside him was so unbearable that he had to stand up and rearrange everything like it should be.

Kind of weird, he knows that. His need for control is almost obsessive, but he keeps telling himself that this is an inevitable consequence of his job responsibilities, where control might make the difference between appropriate and inappropriate choices – and between a patient’s life or death. He doesn’t want to go deeper.

He stretches his arms, shoulders, and neck, with careful movements; he hasn’t been training for a couple of days already, tomorrow he’s going to wake up early, even if it’s his day off, to make up for lost time. He could go for a quick run, then lift some weights home, where he has a well-equipped fitness room. Well, it’s a thought for tomorrow. He slowly walks into the bathroom, opens the shower door and turns on the water – he likes it scorching hot – watching the steam gradually fog the glass walls.

Almost mindlessly he raises a hand and with a finger draws the name ‘Magnus’ on the tiles. Then he fretfully erases it with his hand open. Quickly. Looking around as he’s fearing someone could see.

What’s wrong with me?” he thinks, and walks under the hot water. Sighing from pleasure, he takes the shower gel, pours a small quantity in his palm, and starts massaging his body. After a while, his hand is going south, and he realizes he’s half hard. He’s not used to. His cock is a negligible limb, it’s simply something that doesn’t matter in his life. He and Lydia agreed to give up sex years ago: they don’t miss it in their relationship and also self-pleasuring has become a very rare event.

What the…

Yet, now he can’t help but touch himself and suddenly Magnus’ image flashes behind his shut eyelids. It’s enough to make him come almost unexpectedly, silently gasping. When he recovers, panting, lips parted, he lowers his gaze and looks at his cock as if it’s something alien, not belonging to him but possessing a life of its own. Shame floods through him and he hastens to complete his shower, blushing.

Lydia must have been back to their room because he hears her muffled steps and the light noises of her night rituals. He puts on his pajamas and walks out of the bathroom.

“Hey” he says thoughtfully, still baffled for what happened before.

“Hey” she answers smiling. Then she looks at him and furrows her brow. “Are you okay?”

“Positive. Why wouldn’t I be?” he replies hastily.

“I… don’t know. You look shaken.”

Alec swallows, then snaps. “What? I’m perfectly fine!” Then he takes a shaky breath. “Sorry, darling, I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m only tired, you know how much I hate these social events.”

Lydia comes closer to him and raises a hand, caressing his cheek. “I know. You’re forgiven, darling. I’m only worried about you. You look exhausted, lately, maybe you should take a few days off, we haven’t been on vacation together, as a family, since forever.”

Alec leans in her touch, sighing, eyes shut. “I can’t,” he says, and steps down, heading for the bed.

Lydia’s hand is left hanging in the air where Alec’s face was before. She lets it fall. She knows that something is going wrong but can’t put a finger on it. They might not have been in love when they got married, but their vows had been somehow no less true. Affection, support, trust never lacked in their relationship: now Lydia feels that he’s not telling her the whole truth and is wondering what’s happening.

An affair? Another woman in his life? Lydia doesn’t think it might be. Alec has never been a passionate man, at least about love relationships, his only passion is his job. More so, he’s a loyal partner, he would never, ever betray her trust.

So no. There must be something else. Nothing Lydia can elaborate, though.

Well, she’s tired too. Better try to get some sleep, maybe tomorrow – it’s Alec’s day off – they will be able to talk.

“Let’s hope that our effort might have been useful in gaining enough funds,” she says, sitting on Alec’s bed. “Were you able to talk to anyone looking interested?”

“Yeah – Alec answers tiredly – that asshole of Valentine Morgenstern and his minions. You know what? He was all friendly, put his dirt hand on my shoulder like we were old pals, then he told me his son is a physician who’s dying to practice under me. And that he would be so grateful if I could make it happen. Fuck. Yes, grateful. You take my son under your wing, and I’ll give you the money!”

“Um… but that’s a board’s decision, isn’t it?”

“Of course. But a word from me… I do have a say in choosing new residents. Mostly, it’s blackmail, naked and raw.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I could try stalling for a while. Anyway, I’m too tired now for decide.”

“Sure. Anyone else?”

Alec’s heart starts beating frantically, but he doesn’t show his inner turmoil.

 “I might have met that Magnus Bane we talked about today. He looks inclined to give a contribution, maybe a significant one. We’re going to meet again in the next days, he wants to be shown the whole project.”

“That’s great, Alec. I’m sure you will be able to persuade him, especially since he looks well-disposed already.”

Alec smiles and takes her hand. “I’m going to need your law expertise in this, darling. Will you help me?”

“Of course I will. Now rest, my dear. We both need rest, actually.”

“Is Max okay?” he asks.

“He is,” Lydia answers, “the babysitter told me they had fun the whole afternoon and when she put him to bed, he didn’t stop telling her excitedly how beautiful mom and dad were in their elegant clothes!”

“He’s such a lovely kid, and it’s because of you, dear,” Alec says with a small smile on his lips, sighing. He loves that boy. Even if he doesn’t know him that much.

She kisses his forehead and stands up. They’ve always slept each one in their own beds, even before they decided to give up sex. Alec had suggested two bedrooms - different sleep times, Alec’s shifts that make him wake up very early or come home very late, it looked the best solution – but Lydia always said she didn’t mind. Yet now Lydia feels a sudden desire to lie beside her husband and exchange some cuddles with him. Shaking her head in disbelief, she turns the light off.

Chapter 7: Seven

Summary:

Another glimpse in Alec's past. He meets Lydia and after dating for a while he decides to propose. A conversation with his siblings brings his past to light, but this won't stop him.

TW: HOMOPHOBIA

Chapter Text

 

Alec had just ended his shift. And what a shift it had been! Two valve replacements, one of them in a barely teen boy born with a cardiac anomaly the delayed diagnosis of which hadn’t allow him to grow up properly, so as he looked like three or four years younger than he actually was. He hoped that the surgery would help him to fill this gap as soon as possible. It had been a challenge, though, his heart was very weakened already.

Two hearts attacks in two different adult patients had forced him to urgent stent insertions, and while he was trying to move carefully inside those almost completely plugged vases, he was wondering if it was worth planning a project to promote some awareness among high school students about how much bad habits might compromise their future health. The men he was treating were barely middle-aged, they were likely to have a family, a job, a few dreams to fulfil still, and yet he wasn’t even sure he would be able to save their life.

At the end of that frantic day, Alec was exhausted and only dreamed of a shower, a light dinner, and of his bed, since he wasn’t supposed to be on duty until the following afternoon. This internship was being much harder than he thought but he was determined to make the most of it. He never withdrew, he never did, from whatever challenge life could throw at him.

It seemed he wasn’t being so lucky, though, because while he was heading the locker room, Luke walked out of his office and nodded him to follow. Alec sighed and threw him a glare that meant ‘Seriously? Right now? Are you kidding me?’ but Luke didn’t look like he got the silent message and turned on his heels, keeping the door open to let Alec in.

Luke’s office was minimal. The boss’ office was supposed to be elegant and richly furnished, to impress visitors and patients, but that wasn’t Luke. He cared about his patients and didn’t need to impress them, and about other kind of visitors, well, he had no time to spare in pleasantries and amenities and meaningless chat. The only comfort he had granted himself were the armchairs, high-back and comfortable. Luke needed his when he had to fill the usual endless paperwork to keep his department working or update patients’ folders, and well, he couldn’t mistreat his hosts, could he? So he had reluctantly given the green light to buy three of them and well, he never regretted that.

When Alec entered Luke’s office, a young woman was sitting in one of the armchairs in front of Luke’s desk. A beautiful woman: pale blond, hair tied in a low soft tail, light-tanned skin, she was wearing a blue tailleur with a knee-length skirt and a white shirt, low-heeled décolleté. No jewelry apart from a couple of white pearls as earrings, she was keeping her hands resting in her lap. A leather briefcase was placed on Luke’s desk in front of her. She gave out this ethereal vibe but there was no doubt that she was stronger than she looked. This became obvious when she raised her gaze to look at Alec: two icy-blue eyes were piercing through him like she was trying to reach the very core of his soul.

“May I introduce you to our legal board youngest partner, Alec? Miss Lydia Branwell. Miss Branwell, Doctor Alec Lightwood.”

They shook hands; Lydia smiled and her face suddenly morphed into something much warmer. So, Alec smiled back, forgetting his exhaustion for a while.

“Glad to meet you, Miss Branwell,” Alec said; then, addressing Luke, “May I ask for the purpose of this meeting?”

Luke pursed his lips. “Unfortunately, it’s an unpleasant purpose. Do you remind of Mr. Adams case? The patient who underwent urgent surgery after a massive heart attack a few weeks ago?”

Alec painstakingly rummaged inside his memory and remembered: the roughly 80-year-old man had reached the hospital barely alive, yet Alec had tried to save his life with a last-minute operation, but his heart had been almost destroyed by the attack and Alec had lost him on the table after more than 30 minutes of resuscitation attempts.

“Yeah, I remember him. I should check his folder for more details, but mostly, he was already lost when he was brought here. Why do you want to know?”

“Because unfortunately his son sued the hospital, and you, for negligence. He says that his father could be saved if a more experienced surgeon had been appointed to take care of him. His lawyer filed a complaint, here it is. Of course, the hospital will make a statement declaring that you were more than qualified for the assignment, yet we should be prepared if we end in court, hence Miss Branwell.”

Alec was fuming. “What the f… sorry, Miss Branwell… I was totally qualified! That man was almost dead when he entered my OR, the paramedics did CPR on the ambulance and he was already intubated, but when I opened him, his cardiac tissue was almost completely dead, no one could save him!”

Lydia stood from the armchair and put a gentle, respectful hand on Alec’s arm. He flinched slightly, then he realized that it was confidence and trust, what she was trying to convey.

“Doctor Lightwood,” she started, “I’ve been knowing Doctor Garroway for a while, and he has always talked about you as one of his most promising students first and most trustworthy colleagues later. I trust him so I trust you and your ability. We can check on the patient’s documents and reports together and I’m sure we can make the charges drop, even if we should end in court, something I think we’ll be able to avoid. So, don’t be too concerned. It’s serious, of course, but hopefully we’ll be out of this sooner than later.”

Alec took a couple of deep breath, feeling some calmness washing over him.

“Fine, I’ll… try. Are you sure there won’t possibly be any consequences?”

“I’m sure, Doctor Lightwood. Now, I know you just ended a tiring shift. Allow me to recommend you go home and have rest. Tomorrow everything will be clearer and less scaring. We might arrange an appointment at your choice to review your reports and study a line of defense.”

“I don’t need a line of defense, they have to acknowledge the truth, the clinical evidence!”

“I know, Doc. But we need to convince a jury and a lawyer, not a medical board. So we need to be plain simple and aim straight at our target.”

She smiled again, her hand still on Alec’s arm.

“Trust me. It’s my job.”

And Alec didn’t know why, maybe he had to blame his dizzy, tired mind, but right now, unusually for him, he trusted her completely.

 

**

Izzy and Jace looked at him, astonished. They couldn’t believe their own ears. Maybe they didn’t understand correctly.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to propose to Lydia tonight. We have a date and I asked mom for our family ring.”

Jace regained his speech first.

“Alec, you can’t. Bro, you’re too young, don’t you want to have a bit fun in your dull life still? Before letting her cuff you already? And I don’t mean in bed!”

Alec glared at him. “Please, spare me your idiotic jokes. I don’t need to have fun. I need a partner to share my life and career with. She’s smart and… beautiful and supporting, since that first time we met, we agree about so many things, I feel safe with her, she can give me peace and quiet, and that’s what I need.”

“I agree she’s great,” Jace replied, “but she’s so…, I don’t know how to say…, cold? Stiff? Is she suitable for you?”

“You don’t know her enough. She’s not the passionate kind, but well, neither am I. We’re perfect for each other. It’s not my story to tell, but to make you get it… she told me she had a fiancé she loved with all her being, they were going to get married. But he left her abruptly, with no further explanations, he simply disappeared, was… gone. She has trust issues since then, but she feels safe with me and I with her, like I said before. And finally, it’s my life we’re talking about.”

Izzy hadn’t breathed a single word so far. She was staring at Alec with a knowing look, lips pursed. Then she spoke.

“Alec, I’d like you to think about you’re going to do, thoroughly think. It’s exactly your life being at stake, don’t jeopardize it. It’s your first relationship, just check the ground before throwing yourself into marriage headfirst.”

“I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing, Izzy. I don’t need a chaperone.”

“You need someone to remember you of something!” she yelled, her anger sudden and hard. “You need to remember I’ve never seen you have a girlfriend. Or search for female company! Or… Jason. Does this name ring any bell?”

“Who’s Jason?” Jace asked dumbfounded.

Alec glared at her.

“I remember Jason. But I told you it was a phase. I was never meant to be… deviant.”

“Do you hear yourself, Alec? How can you talk like that? I know, I know you’ve denied this side of you all your life, but I hoped that, sooner or later, you might come out of the closet!”

“STOP!” he screamed. “Stop! Don’t ever, ever speak to me like that!”

Jace came close to him. “Bro, is Izzy saying you’re… I mean, yes… gay?”

“Izzy doesn’t have a clue of what I am or am not,” Alec replied coolly “so back off, both of you.”

Jace raised a hand as to put it on Alec’s shoulder, but he thought better and let it drop. Then he spoke.

“Alec, you can be what you feel right for you, but this wouldn’t change anything between us, you know that, right? I love you, we both love you.”

“I’m not gay,” Alec exclaimed, hardening his voice “please don’t tell another word. I’m going to marry Lydia, this is what I want to do, and I will.”

Izzy looked on the verge of tears, but swallowed, turned on her heels and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Alec found himself staring at the door, like he could open it with the bare strength of his mind, hoping that Izzy came back. But she didn’t. Inside Alec’s heart, something cracked.

Chapter 8: Eight

Summary:

Dr. Lightwood and Mr. Bane have a meeting. To build a closer relationship.

Btw, thank you to everyone who reads and comments this story, you're so kind to me!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

The day after Alec is sitting at his desk, sipping from a steaming cup of black coffee – always black and always steaming, this is how he wants it – and checking his patients’ folders, trying to understand why Mrs. Williams didn’t respond to her therapy or why Mr. Jones’ platelets count suddenly dropped and the usual million more problems he has to deal with, almost on a daily basis. He’s upset because for one solved issue two more pop out, and he’s at least an hour behind schedule now, exactly that kind of troubles he hates. More so, hospital bureaucracy is suffocating: he needs to check on all his equipment and medical supplies and fill in a list of whatever he’s supposed to require for making his ward working the whole next fucking year! As he could divine how many patients he’s going to treat in such a long time!

He's trying to take deep breaths to calm down, as Lydia always recommends to him to improve his efficiency, when someone, likely Andrew, since he’s the only one who’s allowed to, knocks at the door.

Alec rolls his eyes and sighs. “Come on in, Andrew.”

Andrew’s gentle face peeks inside.

“You’ve got a visitor, Alec,” he says “I tried to send him away to an appointment next week but he’s insisting it’s urgent. What do you want me to do?”

“No way, I’m already short of time for the damned supply list and I have to check on a few patients. Next week will work.”

Andrew nods and he’s going to leave when a voice sounds from behind him.

“Doctor Lightwood, it’s me, Magnus Bane.”

A flamboyant, smiling Magnus appears on the threshold. Not unkindly, Andrew tries to push him away from Alec’s room, but Magnus simply raises his hand.

“Just a few seconds. Sorry for bothering you, Doc, I know you’re very busy, but I happened to be around and wondered if I could invite you for lunch. Somewhere near the hospital, anyway. There’s a small café just a block away where we could grab a quick bite, it’s quiet and we could talk about our incoming business. What do you think? Only if you’re available, of course.”

Alec swallows, strangely uncomfortable. Hearing Magnus’ voice has suddenly made his anxiety spike, and his heartbeat speeding up.

“Oh… um,” he stutters. What? He’s…stuttering? What the hell…

Then “Well, I think I could do that. It’s… a good chance to discuss our project… yes, why not? Just wait a minute, I only need to grab my coat.”

And under Andrew’s appalled look – he has never seen Alec drop work in the middle of the day and without a single thought – Alec takes his scrub off and wears his coat.

“I’m going to be unavailable for an hour roughly, unless the world is collapsing, okay?”

Andrew is at a loss for words but rouses from his enchantment and nods. “Oh… okay.”

But they’ve already walked out.

***

A few minutes after, they’re sitting opposite sides in a quiet booth at the café, a nice and somehow elegant small venue when they can have a light lunch, possibly not burgers and fries.

They’re smiling at each other quite awkwardly; even if they met a single time, at the party, there’s a weird tension between them.

Magnus, checking on the menu, chooses to break the silence. “Some wine, doc?”

“No, thanks,” Alec replies. “My workday has just started, so to speak, I have a 12-hours shift today, so I need to stay totally sober. Only water for me.”

Magnus raises his hand as to apologize. “Right! Sorry, what was I thinking… They say steaks are very good here.“

“I’m not very fond of red meat, actually. I’ll take the salmon, and a salad.”

“Fine. I’ll go for the steak with fries. And a good martini, please,” Magnus addresses the waiter who came for their orders.

Alec joins his hands and interlocks his fingers on the table. Magnus’ gaze falls on them.

 “I do understand our… way of life is quite different, Mr. Bane. Yet I’m trustful we can find some common ground to discuss.”

“Are you referring to the rumors about my misbehaving? I’m aware I might look unreliable, Doc, but believe me, I’m very interested in this business of ours.”

Alec’s face must seem skeptical because Magnus leans back onto the small sofa and smiles bitterly.

“May I be totally honest to you?”

Alec nods.

“When my father ordered me into this assignment – because he doesn’t ask, he commands, even to his own son – I was really pissed off, sorry for being rude, but that was exactly my state of mind. I do love parties where people gather with friends to have fun, to have a good time, while I do hate this kind of meetings where people who can’t stand each other fake some interest, only for doing business and money. I know it was for a good cause, still, just before I was introduced to you, I was desperately trying to find an escape way, since I thought I had already fulfilled my duty spending my time among a bunch of assholes – sorry again.”

Alec scoffs at that. “Don’t. I might agree with you. I wish I could be at work much more than cajoling some rich men into giving their money away.”

“Well,” Magnus continues “then I met you. You looked different, Doc. Mind me, not only for being a doctor, of course, but you had that haunted look, exactly like you were forced to be there, just like me. And I decided you were worthy to be listened to.”

“Should I be flattered, Mr. Bane?”

“Absolutely. Since dear dad appointed me to choose which project give his money to, you’d better take advantage of my good disposition and talk to me a bit about your plans.”

Meanwhile the waiter comes with their dishes, and silence falls between them for a while.

Magnus looks pleased by his steak. “Very good indeed!” Then he sips his martini, and, waving the fork he’s holding, he encourages Alec to speak.

“Well, Doc, tell me something about your plans. If I’m going to fund it, I deserve to give you an informed consent, as you doctors say.”

Alec swallows his bite. That’s the decisive moment. What he’s going to say could partly decide his future. If he can gain Magnus’ approval, he can get his long-awaited wing and his position inside the hospital might rise. He could become part of the board and have a say in hospital choices and organization. Something he does want since forever, because he’s sure he can be better, do better than the current members, most of which has never set their precious foot inside a ward.

He takes a deep breath and sips some water.

“My project relies on a different concept in organizing surgery. Currently we have only two suitable ORs for cardiac surgeries, that follow a schedule based on how much they can be delayed. So there’s a list for calling patients, managed by my assistants. But urgencies frequently happen, so the patients not in immediate life danger are rescheduled, sometimes more than once. I was planning to create a sort of intermediate ward, hosting no more than two or three patients, with a fully equipped OR directly joined to our ER, where I could perform urgent surgeries and keep patients under observation in a sub-intensive care unit, until they can be transferred to the cardiac ward. That way, the two already working ORs might be dedicated to non-urgent surgeries, following the list without having to reschedule patients.”

And after this, he launches himself in explaining everything in detail.

Magnus looks thoughtful. Alec is outlining his project with so much fervor, he’s been clearly elaborating the whole plan for a while.

“That’s an interesting and undoubtedly well-planned project, but also quite expensive,” he says.

“Sure,” Alec replies, “but our income should rise too, and you could get some profit-sharing. No less, your possible funding is completely tax deductible, as you certainly know.”

“Yeah, a good investment… “

While Alec is staring at him like a hawk, Magnus comes back to his steak. Then he stops eating and looks at Alec.

“And, doc, tell me. Does the hospital have already enough staff to manage this new unit?”

“Not yet. But should the project be funded, the hospital board has already agreed to hire extra personnel to assign to that ward specifically.”

“Well, you already planned everything, doc, my compliments. And who’s going to lead this new group?”

Alec blushes a little. Damn, this is awkward.

“That would be me.”

Magnus smiles. “Don’t blush, Doctor Lightwood. I already thought so.”

He sighs and leans back, moving his plate aside.

“I think I’ve already taken enough advantage of your precious time, Doc. I can say I’m persuaded that this project might work, but as you probably know, I’m only an emissary here, and I need to convince the big boss too. I’ll do my best. Your curriculum vitae is substantial, and your fame well known, so this is a good starting point. Raincheck?”

Alec smiles back. He’s hopeful he made a good impression.

“Thank you for your good offices, let’s hope for the best and for a long-lasting partnership.”

Now Magnus’ smile has become a smirk.

“I hope for a partnership too, dear doc. Maybe… I could take you to dinner, so we can talk… better? Longer?”

Alec swallows, his throat suddenly tight. He doesn’t know how to interpret Magnus’ gaze. It looks… flattering? Is he… flirting? Morgenstern had warned him about Magnus.  Those incredible eyes run up and down Alec, as Magnus is appreciating what he sees. Those eyes, that hit Alec at once, when they met at the party.

“I… sure, that would be a… good idea, yes, a good idea…”

He’s stuttering? Again? What’s wrong with him?

He never lacks words, but Magnus’ presence undermines his usual quick wit.

He needs to manage that, he can.

Notes:

I don't want to take undeserved credits :) the hybrid operation room idea comes from Chicago Med series!

Chapter 9: Nine

Summary:

Magnus thinks about his meeting with Alec and has a conversation with Asmodeus

Chapter Text

 

After having lunch with Alec, Magnus goes home. He hasn’t talked to his father about the party yet, and he’s sure the man is waiting for him to come and report. Asmodeus and he live in a fashionable mansion surrounded by a small park, well hidden from curious glances of paparazzi going to spy on their intimacy to sell pics to magazines. Magnus has understood very soon the value of some privacy, especially since when he was caught in some embarrassing situations with people he should never have been seen with. After that episode, they hired extra security, and now no one can cross the gates unless identified before. Cameras are scattered everywhere, and an employee is monitoring the screens 24/7.

He slowly climbs the stairs up to his father’s apartment. Since when Asmodeus got sick, they had an inside elevator installed, but the stairs are a pleasant way to loosen his limbs after the long journey home by car and allow him to think about his meeting with Alec.

Alec… Alexander? Magnus wonders if it’s his complete name.

It suits you, he thinks. He doesn’t know where this thought comes from, but Alec gave him vibes of being a loyal and affectionate guy, apart from his obvious job skills. A man who cares about his loved ones, a man who protects what’s his. Even though their conversation was mainly focused on business, Magnus feels there’s much more behind Alec’s demeanor, making him want to know him better.

And he’s gorgeous! That was what hit Magnus first, such a rare beauty in a man: he should do catwalks or act in front of a camera, instead of saving lives in a hospital.

In some way, even a little surprised with himself, Magnus regrets now his flirting manners: he acted as an insensitive jerk and Alec was clearly embarrassed. He’s a husband, married to a beautiful woman – Magnus hasn’t been personally introduced to her but could watch Lydia from afar, she’s refined, elegant and talented in her job, he heard. Magnus is used to people who don’t give a shit about cheating on their partners, so he usually doesn’t mind if they’re available for quick and no-string-attached flings that last the span of a few weeks and offer them all a small, pleasant distraction from their useless lives. Only his relationship with Camille has been longer than usual; but Camille doesn’t belong to anyone but herself, something he found out quickly and painfully. Unfortunately, their meeting at the party reminded him how deeply she knows him and how easily she can read his mood: she’s dangerous, he needs to keep her at bay. In the poisoned environment they are part of, knowledge is power, and rumors might ruin a reputation. Not that he has much reputation to keep clean, he snorts. 

But Alec does, for example.

Magnus knows what people say about him, his fame of unreliable gigolo, who disappoints his father on a daily basis, this doesn’t concern him; suddenly, still, he wants Alec to know that he’s not like that. He’s only trying to move on until he can free himself from this golden cage he’s in. Not that he doesn’t love his father, but they didn’t click, ever. Too different their goals in life. Maybe it’s because Asmodeus grew in a poor family and had to fight tooth and nail to carve his space in the world, pushed by an insatiable ambition of becoming wealthy, no, actually rich, very rich, so that no one might have any power over him anymore.

Magnus’ mom had always been a sort of mediator between them. Magnus had often wondered what could attract the two of them to each other, but when he became adult, mom confessed him it had been an arranged marriage. They had grown to be affectionate, but love… oh, love was something else.

“When you find love, my boy, you’ll understand. It will be lightning bolt, thunder, the explosion of a nova in the dark, the pillars of earth shaking… you’ll see. And when you find a love like this, you’ll have to fight to keep it with you, no matter what happens.”

But when, after a few years, she was gone, Magnus hadn’t experimented those sensations yet. He still hasn’t.

Alec’s image appears in his mind. This meeting has left him somehow puzzled. Doctor Alexander Lightwood is an enigma: undoubtedly handsome and smart, an attracting combination for sure, passionate about his job, sharp-minded, yet Magnus feels like Alec’s hiding something. His slight blushing when he talks, the way his fingers fiddle with everything he happens to touch – the napkin, the stem of the glass, his own jacket – he looks nervous, while he apparently has no reason to be. Well, they don’t know each other, yet, and Magnus has got his fair share of secrets he doesn’t share, but what is it, that's bothering Alexander and makes him anxious so easily?

They’re going to have dinner together. Magnus would like to become friend with him, if the doctor will allow Magnus to scrape off some of the layers he clearly surrounds himself with. If their connection weren’t tied to business, Alexander would be the perfect guy to spend some quality time, and Magnus finds himself cheekily wondering what he’s hiding not only inside his mind and soul but also under his clothes… but no, he’s a married man.

In his life Magnus has met a few men caged in a heterosexual marriage but secretly eager to find out what it means, being with another man. They couldn’t or didn’t want to come out, or they were simply curious, available to cheat on their wives, as long as there were no strings attached. Who knows if Alexander is into men too? The way he looks at Magnus… He doesn’t look like an unfaithful husband though.

Meanwhile, he has reached his father’s rooms. He knocks at the door.

“Dad, it’s me. May I come in?”

And without waiting for an answer he knows is not coming, Magnus walks in.

“Hey” he greets his father.

Asmodeus is on a wheelchair beside the window, apparently busy to watch outside, his gaze lost into the darkness of the evening.

“Magnus. Sit down please, I don’t want to look at you from below. Did you have fun at the party?”

Magnus sits on the armchair next to his dad. He’s not relaxed, he never is when he’s in the presence of Asmodeus, so he’s on the edge of the seat, hands clutching the armrests. He wonders if he will ever feel fine or relaxed in front of his father. Maybe when Asmodeus is dead, Magnus could start breathing, at last.

“Dad, what the hell. It was boring and annoying and it took all my strength to survive and my politeness to not run away. But I tried to do what you were expecting from me. I’ve been talking to the gentlemen, I’ve been gallant to the ladies, I gathered information, that’s it. I made some interesting acquaintances, though. And I think I could pinpoint a promising project to offer our, I mean, your support.”

“It was due time you started to fulfil your duty as my heir. I know this is not what you want in your life, but I spent mine to build this company and I don’t want it to be wasted. It has to stay in our hands, Bane’s hands, and I’m sorry if your mother couldn’t give me another child but you.”

Magnus swallows. He wants to scream, but when he speaks, his voice is strangely steady and calm, though there’s anger below.

“Don’t blame her, dad. You neglected her. Do you wish she cheated on you to give you another child? That would have been her only way to do that, since you didn’t even bother to sleep in the same bed with her, after I was born.”

Asmodeus waves his hand as for disregarding what Magnus is saying.

“Anyway. What about this project you were talking about?”

Magnus thinks for a moment if unleashing his anger at his father’s cool demeanor would be worth wasting some more time, but he gives up and launches himself instead in detailing what Alec suggested.

“I get it, it might become quite expensive, but I think it’s absolutely worth the money required, it’s a brilliant idea and it’s going to give added value to the hospital. Doctor Lightwood already attracts patients from everywhere, and this could increase their numbers.”

Then he stops talking, waiting for an answer, an opinion, a scolding, whatever.

Asmodeus hasn’t uttered a single word yet, instead. He’s staring at Magnus and Magnus starts to squirm under that knowing gaze.

“You look…strongly involved in this project, son” he says thoughtfully, averting his eyes.

“I told you, it’s a good project.”

“It’s not that, at least, not only that. You like that man, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, dad! He’s a diamond among all the mud he’s surrounded with. His mind and his honesty sparkle, he’s sharp and devoted to his job, he wants the best for his patients. Is he ambitious? He is, sure, but he has his good reasons to be. He wants to lead that new medical equipe and he deserves that. I’m going to speak with his boss, but what I heard about him… it’s a token for success.”

Asmodeus sighs, suddenly looking tired to the bones.

“I didn’t mean you liked him for his skills. I’m afraid you like him ... for himself.”

Magnus sighs.

“Dad! He’s married. His wife is beautiful and smart just like him, they’re a wonderful couple. He has a child with her. Don’t read too much out of my appreciation for Doctor Lightwood! And anyway, I swear I would never…”

Asmodeus raises a hand to stop Magnus.

“Don’t swear, son. You never know what could happen. And having… connections with otherwise married people never held you back before.”

Silence falls between them.

Magnus can’t deny the truth in his father’s words. He never cared too much about having flings with married people. It’s not his business, after all, he’s not the adulterer here, he simply takes advantage of already existing lack of feelings between people whose marriages are deceased a long time ago. He couldn’t do that to Alec, though: he saw how he and his wife interact, as a solid, loving, connected couple …

“When are you going to meet him again to discuss details?” Asmodeus asks quietly.

“We planned a dinner tomorrow night or the day after tomorrow, depending on his shifts. He’s going to bring expenditure plans and maps and estimated personnel to hire, I can get everything to show you and our lawyers.”

“Very well,” Asmodeus replies, “I’m curious to know. But now I’m tired, I want to go to sleep.”

“May I help you, dad? Call someone?”

“No, I can arrange myself.” Then he looks at Magnus again.

“Don’t let yourself be involved too much, son. I don’t want you to suffer, or have your heart broken. You may not believe that, but I love you.”

Magnus looks Asmodeus slowly approaching the elevator that will bring him to the upper floor and his bedroom. For a brief moment he feels sad for him, so different now from the proud, strong man he was in his previous years, but alas, that’s life. People get old and sick and have to give up to the dream of eternal youth, of immortality, living with remnants and memories of an entire life.

What if this life has been wasted? Once more, Magnus wonders if this ending he is witnessing for his father is worth the pain he caused, and the love he didn’t offer nor receive.

Chapter 10: Ten

Summary:

Alec is confused. He can't tell how he should act when he's with Magnus, and it's almost time of their dinner together.

Notes:

TW: brief mention of self-harm, nothing too graphic

Chapter Text

 

Two days after the party, Alec is already having his second cup of coffee, and it’s only 8 a.m.. Since that evening, he can’t sleep. He’s always been an early riser, at least when his schedule is not too messed up or he has a night shift. Those blessed mornings, he wakes up early to enjoy a run through the park, before going straight to the hospital, where he can take a quick shower and change in his work clothes. His free mornings, when his shift starts in the afternoon, he comes back home instead, where his private gym awaits him. Treadmill run, weightlifting, a punching bag to hit, that’s the place when he blows off that steam he can’t get rid of otherwise.

When he was younger, he used to not wrap his hands before punching, letting his knuckles bleed, while a nameless anger washed through him, making his teeth grit and his eyes well. Feeling the stinging pain, watching the blood slowly oozing from his battered limbs gave him a sort of deep satisfaction, his mind and its internal turmoil finding some quiet only through physical ache. Only then, his thoughts settled down. He realized soon, though, that, for the kind of surgery he wanted to perform, his hands were his main tool and best ally, he had to care about them. So, he stopped. After all, there are so many different ways to feel pain.

Anyway, since the night of the party, he can’t sleep. He spends hours staring at the ceiling, trying to meditate and gain some peace – but he’s never been a meditation guy – then he surrenders to insomnia and trying not to wake Lydia, he moves to the kitchen, picks a glass of whatever he finds, fruit juice, smoothies, soda, or simple water – never alcohol, even if sometimes he’s tempted to - , and watches TV until dawn. When he crashes under mere exhaustion, his sleep is haunted by dreams in which he tries to catch faceless figures without being able to touch them, though he feels he should know who they are, like his life depended on that.

Only a couple of nights like that, and he’s a mess. He’s used to stay awake at night, but when he’s working everything has a purpose, and it’s organized. He has people who makes his job easier. Real emergencies are rare, so life goes by just like he loves to, no surprises, no side thoughts.

These nights overwhelm him, he feels defrauded of the control upon events he needs to keep on working, plagued by a sort of state of impermanence, the reason of which he can’t put his finger on.

So he’s staying in the break room now, sleepy and dizzy, wondering if he’s going to be able to perform his next surgery safely enough, when Luke comes in, at the end of his night shift.

“Hey Alec,” he asks greeting him. Alec waves his hand in return, staring at the void. Luke is shrugging off his scrub, wishing to get a cup of coffee himself before heading home, when he notices Alec’s weird mood.

“Alec. Is there anything wrong? Are you okay?”

Alec snaps out of his enchantment and smiles, even if his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Yeah, sure, I’m fine.” His usual answer. Luke sighs: he’s always been very close to the boy who, under Luke’s guidance, has become an esteemed professional. Luke has been his mentor, his teacher and now he’s his boss, but he had always felt himself more like a big brother to him. He knows Alec is the eldest of his siblings and he suspects that his youth might have been harder than Alec has ever told him, so he has been trying to be supportive and encouraging along the years they’ve been spent together. Now he pleases himself for being a friend of his; not that Alec has got many friends, but still.

Luke lets his scrub fall onto a chair and walks towards the couch where Alec is sitting, arms crossed on his chest.

“Are you sure, Alec? You look dazed. Did you have a bad night? May I help you? Are you feeling okay with work today? I can cover your shift, you know.”

Alec shakes his head. “No way, thanks. You just finished your night shift. I’m fine, really. Just… sleep is evading me lately.” He places his half full cup of coffee on the table and stands up, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “And don’t be concerned, I’m perfectly ready to do my stuff. We don’t have that much planned anyway, today.”

“Okay,” Luke says, resigned. Despite their closeness, sometimes this man is still a sort of enigma to him. “By the way,” he says, changing topic “I couldn’t ask you about the party. I was stuck in a group of colleagues and couldn’t talk that much to possible investors.”

“I… think my night was more fruitful, maybe. I don’t want to get my hopes too high, but Valentine Morgenstern looked prone enough to get some money out for the hybrid OR I was planning to build, and he introduced me to a group of businessmen I suppose he’s working with. I think he wants to fund my project and drag them into it too, he might have some leverage, I don’t know and I don’t care, as long as it’s going to be finalized.”

At the name of Valentine Morgenstern, Luke scrunches his face. Alec knows they have a history, even if he doesn’t know the details. And he carefully avoids telling Luke that Morgenstern’s proposal is surreptitiously bound to admit his son as a resident in their hospital; he’s not ready yet, and anyway they still must officially get the money. It will be the board’s can of worms to deal with.

Luke rolls his eyes. “Okay, then, I suppose I’m having to put up a brave face. How they say, it’s a gift horse. But son, - he puts a hand on Alec’s shoulder – don’t trust him too much. Don’t make commitments without an escape plan. He’s…not a good man, he always has an ace up his sleeves, and usually his aces hurt his opponents.”

Luke would clearly want to add something more, but he shuts his mouth, gently patting Alec’s arm.

“But he introduced me also to Magnus Bane, you know, the only son of Asmodeus, of the Bane Company!” Alec adds in a rush.

“Right, the Banes,” Luke exclaims, “I did forget they were joining the party too. How did it go then?”

“Good… good, I think, I mean, I’m pretty sure. Actually, only Magnus, Bane junior, joined the party, old dad is sick and let his son make arrangements on his behalf. And he was very impressed by my project, we had lunch two days ago to exchange preliminary opinions and spending plans and we’re going to have dinner together tonight too. Of course, Bane senior should approve of the whole thing but I’m pretty confident we can achieve an agreement. He would be the main sponsor of the project.”

“Dinner?” Luke asks slowly, as it were the only word he caught of the entire speech. “The two of you? Like… a date?”

Alec is gaping. “Luke, it’s a business dinner! What the fuck are you thinking?”

Luke clears his throat. “Um… I’m sorry, Alec, I wasn’t implying anything, it looks... weird. You know the fame surrounding this man, I think.”

“I’ve been warned already, Luke,” Alec replies angrily, “I think I don’t need any more heads-up, I can look after myself and I’m a married man, do you remember that?”

Luke raises his hands in surrender and starts to step back.

“Sorry, sorry… that’s fine for me, just… keep me informed, okay?”

He grabs the scrub he had left on the chair and walks out in a hurry.

Alec feels his anger vanish. Luke has always been a good friend and could read Alec’s sour mood. Why did he act so rudely towards him? Why, for heaven’s sake, thinking of Magnus Bane makes him feel so uncomfortable?

***

The day has been long and uneventful. Luckily. Alec can always face whatever emergency, but he’s been bone tired since this morning, he realized he almost didn’t trust himself and his professional skills today. But now he’s strangely elated, like all his exhaustion has been erased.

Time to go get ready for his dinner with Magnus – Mr. Bane - a dinner that might decide his future position inside the hospital.

The restaurant where Magnus booked a table for their meeting is fancy enough but not too much. So Alec is wondering what he’d better wear for not being under or overdressed. He knows he can’t stand on equal footing with Magnus Bane’s fashion sense, but he does want to look nice, yet feel comfortable in his own skin either.

Lydia knocks at the door.

“Come on in, darling” he answers.

“Hey,” Lydia says, teasing him a bit, “did you choose your outfit? You must dress to impress your guest tonight!”

He snorts, then he smiles. “What do you think?”

He’s wearing black sport cut pants, a pale green shirt that brings out his hazel eyes (Lydia’s words, she bought it for him), a deep green one button jacket, black shiny shoes. No tie. He’s… beautiful, Lydia thinks, and comes close, smiling.

“You’re awesome, perfect choice.” She cups his cheek, then stands on tiptoes to leave a feather light kiss on it.

Alec flinches. It’s the most intimate gesture they’ve exchanged since he doesn’t even know when. Lydia doesn’t seem to realize that, and her smile doesn’t falter.

“I… gotta go” Alec stutters.

“Go do your job, darling” Lydia answers and walks out.

Alec takes a deep breath and swallows. Where does it come from, this feeling of betraying her trust? But he quickly dismisses it, he has to be ready and win his battle.

Chapter 11: Eleven

Summary:

Malec's dinner. Magnus opens to Alec but our doctor is puzzled. This man makes he feel something he's never felt before. And maybe also reconsider some choices.

Notes:

This story might undergo a small hiatus. I'm going to have surgery tomorrow and I don't know when I come back to it. Honestly, I hope I can use this forced rest time to write the remaining chapters but, oh well, I would be grateful if you could stick with me for a little more. Love you all

Chapter Text

They meet outside the restaurant. Alec knows he’s elegant and attractive, but Magnus… Magnus is breathtaking. Now that he doesn’t need to blend in a mob he despises, still bound to follow some dressing code though, he let his fashion sense go wild. Black pants so tight that they don’t hide anything of his sculpted body, a black shirt with silver sequins, a silver sparkling jacket that seems to belong to the Saturday’s Night Fever discoes. Styled hair and yes, make-up. Alec was right, then, at the party. Alec looks at him in awe and has a hard time to get three words out.

Magnus is… gorgeous. Alec has never conceived this word about a man – nor about a woman, though, not even his own wife. He tells himself there’s nothing wrong in acknowledging beauty: you might be straight and yet find another man beautiful, don’t you? It’s okay.

“Wow,” Alec whispers, “ready for another party?”

Magnus laughs, his head leant back, and his laughter moves something inside Alec. As does Magnus’ exposed throat. A thought Alec hurries up to erase from his mind.

“Ah, Doc, you didn’t see me at my best, at the party. I had to play low to fulfil my duty, but we should be our true selves, when we can, right? And you’re good-looking yourself, my dear Doctor! I appreciate your taste in dressing. Can we just go inside?”

Alec nods, speechless.

The restaurant turns out to be a pleasant place with a winter garden whose glass doors are open to let the balmy spring air in. Small tables are scattered around, at a proper distance to keep conversations private, each one hosting two settings only, so this hall is clearly reserved for dates or business face-to-face meetings. On every single table, there are a candle that spreads a dim warm light and a small bowl with fresh flowers in it.

The hall is buzzing with customers chatting and cutlery sounds; it’s not unpleasant though, even noises here are chic.

The waiter obviously recognizes Magnus, greeting him with due deference, and guides them to their table – a little more secluded than the others – asking for their drink choice. While Magnus goes for his usual Martini, Alec asks for some almost virgin cocktail: he’s even too much aware of his inability to hold his liquor, and of the bad impression he almost made at the party, when he was introduced to Magnus.

They are given their menus and for a while there’s silence between them, punctuated by small, timid smiles. But when the waiter has taken their orders, there’s nothing else they can do but try to start a conversation. It’s Magnus kicking off the chat.

“Here we are, Doctor Lightwood. First, let me thank you for accepting to share this dinner, you must be tired and very busy already.”

Alec makes a gesture like ‘don’t’, then takes a sip of his cocktail.

“I’m very glad to spend some time with you talking about our project – I can say ‘our’ now, can’t I? But I wonder why you invited me on such a short notice. I could free myself from job, but I couldn’t prepare any documents or plans to show you, so… “

“Doc! I didn’t admittedly invite you for exchanging opinions about the project or for checking on paperwork. I… meant to know you better. Sometimes decisions are to be made not only on the mere data presentation, but also on the vibes you receive from those who submit the project. I mean, this is me, my dad never bothered to know his counterpart on a personal level. But I do. I always trust my gut and I never got wrong.”

Alec smiles. “And what kind of vibes are you receiving from me, if I may ask?”

Magnus leans against the back of the sofa and waits a few moments before answering.

“I’d say… mixed signals, somehow contradictory. Which is not bad per se, but I’m curious. I pride on my ability to perceive when something sounds off-key, so to speak, and this is what I feel from you.”

He raises a hand to stop Alec from replying.

“No judgment, though, dear Doc. Whatever you don’t want to share, that’s your call. I’m curious, I told you, but this isn’t going to prejudicing my opinion on you, that stays absolutely the same, a very good one. I was immediately impressed with your job skills – I got my infos, I must confess – but I’d love to know something more about you. Your hobbies, your life outside the hospital, though I suppose you don’t have that much time to enjoy anything not related to your job, do you?”

Alec purses his lips. He didn’t like Magnus’ speech, that seems quite rude and patronizing. But maybe Alec is being petty. What is he supposed to hide? Or… has he anything to hide?

“You’re absolutely right, Mr. Bane,” he starts.

“Magnus, please!”

“Okay, Magnus. And of course, you can call me Alec. I was saying, it’s true, I don’t have much time to spend outside my job. I train as often as I can, since it helps me to sustain long-lasting surgeries, I’d love reading but I barely have time to keep up with scientific papers. I’m lucky I have my family that supports me, maybe you met my wife at the party, Lydia Branwell…”

“I did, yes,” Magnus answers, and something sparkles in his eyes, “a remarkable young woman. How did you meet?”

“An unpleasant event, a legal catch, she was part of the hospital legal board. It turned out to be a happy development in our life, we’ve been dating for a few months, then we got married. And we have a child, a boy who’s 6 now.”

“What a cute family, so,” Magnus says. It sounds ironic at Alec’s ears, though. Maybe he’s wrong, but Magnus’ following words seem to corroborate his sensation.

“I wasn’t that lucky in my love life, instead,” he says, “I’m sure you heard a lot about me, mostly obnoxious things, mostly untrue. I’m not interested in cleaning up my public image; though, if I were you, I wouldn’t be positively impressed by what you surely heard about me. That’s right, I had, still have, my fair share of fun and pleasure, I’ve been a spoiled brat for a good chunk of my life, but believe me, doc, you wouldn’t choose to be in my place, if you knew the whole story.”

Alec tilts his head, puzzled by this openness. He came here to talk about business, but he’s strangely fascinated by the multifaceted persona he’s discovering in Magnus. Yet, he doesn’t want to push. The weirdest thing is that talking to Magnus is easy, much easier than to anyone else, and wow, they’ve been knowing each other for a handful of days barely.

“Well,” he slowly answers “we all have secrets and face challenges in our life don’t we? I’ve been trying to emancipate myself from my parents’ expectations for years and I couldn’t, at least completely. I still did become a physician just like they wanted me to be, though I’d love to be a vet, an ethologist, to be exact. Yet I do believe people should feel bound to make the most of what they’ve been given, so I tried to be the best physician I could be. This doesn’t mean I didn’t have dreams, different dreams, that I don’t know if I’ll be able to achieve, ever.”

All professional plans forgotten, he looks thoughtful. He shows a sudden interest in his fork and starts to twirl it between two fingers. Magnus stares mesmerized at that hand, thin and elegant and so smooth in its gesture, and thinks how it could be, feeling that hand on himself.

Then he rouses from the spell those hands cast on him and finds himself fidgeting with the napkin, chuckling. “It’s weird, isn’t it? You wanted to be a vet, and you couldn’t. But you were brave, you found enough strength to find a purpose in it, you dedicated your energy to helping people, you put your body and soul at service, so actually, even if you didn’t fulfil your dreams, you can be proud of yourself anyway.

Me, I’ve lived a selfish childhood and youth, spoiled by my dad’s wealth and my mom’s love. Even when I became of age, I didn’t wonder where that wealth came from, I enjoyed it. I've been studying finances to comply my dad, hoping he would leave me in that blissful unawareness I relished in with my mother, who was a poetic dreaming soul and raised me in loving arts and literature.

Then she died and everything changed. No more dreams but the harsh reality of numbers, figures, stock markets, plannings... everything I hated with all my heart became my everyday duty, my nightmare. My dad wanted me to be part of his business, I had to be ready to replace him when necessary. Well, sometimes I caught him look doubtfully at me, like he was wondering if I would ever be able to fulfil his expectations. He had tried to pave an entire existence for me, but I knew he despised my true self. Yet, instead of telling him to fuck off and try to build my own path, I let him drag me into this life he chose for me. Not without fighting, but my standing opposite him was mostly pissing him off with my insignificant life, messing up with parties and flings and binge shopping. So, I’ve been a source of endless disappointment to him.”

He snorts.

“This is supposed to be my last chance. If I fail, he’s going to disown me, but Alec, maybe it’s what I deserve and need to pull myself out of this swamp.

That means I know everything about parents’ expectations,” he continues, “at least about my father’s, since my mother died when I was too young, even if I’m sure she would have let me to follow my heart.

Anyway, you don’t know either, Doc, but maybe a few of your dreams could still come true. I think we should never lose hope, when it comes to attain our goals. I, for example, always dreamed to find true love. I admit I wasn’t lucky so far. To be honest, and I want to be honest with you, Alec, I had only two valuable relationships, one with a woman and one with a man, but alas, it didn’t work. I’m still waiting for the right person, but I’m trustful I can find them. I don’t know when or where, but I am. You did find your true love, Alec, didn’t you? You were a lucky guy!”

Most words are lost to Alec, suddenly dumbfounded by the smooth revelation about Magnus’ bisexuality. Morgenstern had mentioned Magnus’ attitude in dealing with men and women for sexual fun, but it’s not something he’s used to hear, dropped so lightly and nonchalantly in a conversation. That’s not how it works in his world, and Alec doesn’t know anyone who’s queer.

“I… I did, yes,” he stutters, “I… love my wife.”

Does he?

Why does he feel like Magnus is going to make him reconsider all his certainties? 

“Good, good,” Magnus continues, “and tell me about your son, huh?”

Right, Max. Does he really know his son, apart from during those few hours they spend together playing every now and then? He’s a cute, smart boy but Max’s life is mostly managed by Lydia and the babysitter. Alec wakes up too early to bring him to school or he’s just ended his shift and needs to catch some sleep or comes home too late. Max is growing fast, and Alec doesn’t even realize.

“He’s nice, and smart, and… I feel like I should spend some more time with him, but…”

“Sure, job,” Magnus infers “I get it. My father always said the same.”

Then Magnus reaches out and takes Alec’s hand. If Alec is surprised with that gesture, he doesn’t show. And anyway, he doesn’t withdraw it.

“Don’t waste your time, Alec. Your boy will be a man in a flash, and what will you have left to share with him then?”

Before Alec can elaborate some answers, their orders arrive, and he’s spared from replying. He pulls his hand away from Magnus’ and welcomes their dinner.

They enjoy their meal, while their conversation moves towards small talk, though they can’t help but taste some sort of bitterness lingering on their tongues.

 

Chapter 12: Twelve

Summary:

Malec conversation goes on, they're opening to each other. Then, a little accident happens. Little, but capable of starting a new phase in their relationship.

Notes:

Soooo... I'm back. Back here and back on my feet - though still on crutches but, oh well, it's fine. Thank you for still being here, let's continue our journey! Love you all.

Chapter Text

 

They leave the restaurant and choose to have a stroll. It’s an incredibly quiet night, warm and pleasant, even the usual annoying noises of the city seem subdued. It rained for a while, before, and the petrichor smell still lingers in the air, but the sky looks clean from clouds now, and even some stars come out in the deep blue.

Magnus inspires deeply, a little smile on his face.

“I do love this smell,” he says “it might be cliché, but I always rely in this feeling of clean and new, like after rain our life could start again. Don’t you feel the same?”

“I... don’t know,” Alec replies. Then he sighs. “As I told you before, I’m afraid I’ve been always too busy to enjoy small pleasures. My siblings lecture me every now and then. They say I’m too invested in my job, that I don’t ‘nurture my soul’, like my sister is used to tell me, that I never let my mind wander in useless thoughts that could lower my stress.”

“Are you stressed, Alexander?”

“Unfortunately yes, I need to acknowledge that stress is part of my life. My job and my responsibilities make me be constantly on my toes, you know...”

“Absolutely, I can’t doubt that. But I meant, did you ever think if your life path could be different? You’re saying that being stressed is an usual mood for you. That’s unhealthy. Isn’t this stress some kind of signal your mind and body are sending you, telling you this is NOT the life you deserve? You told me before that you didn’t exactly choose to be a physician. I know it’s easier to be said than done, but maybe it’s not too late to start the journey you craved since your college days. A new journey.”

Alec doesn’t answer, looking thoughtful, and Magnus smiles timidly. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I’m questioning your choices while I can’t be proud of mine.”

He stops, turning to face Alec.

“I... want you to understand that I’m not what I look like. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I’d love if this partnership we’re building could become something more, a friendship, maybe. I feel this close to you, and it’s an unusual sensation for me. I might be a social butterfly, but I’m not easy in making friends, true friends, I mean. I have a few persons in my life I trust completely, who know me better than I do; otherwise, I have acquaintances. Who don’t matter to me.”

Alec stares at him. He’s usually not that easy to be such comfortable with people he barely knows either. Yet he would love to let Magnus closer to him, letting him know the Alec no one is allowed to see, apart from his siblings maybe. They both feel stuck in this bubble of sudden awareness. A bit scaring, it’s very intense.

“There’s nothing I’d love more than being your friend, Magnus, if you’ll be patient with me. I’m not easy myself at opening to people, my coworkers say I’m grumpy and poorly empathic, but believe me, I don’t want to, it’s that... I need my space, I don’t trust easily, and I usually pull myself away from being touched, physically and emotionally. So I might be a challenge...”

Magnus raises his hand, putting it on Alec’s shoulder and gently squeezing.

“Will you, Alexander? Are you sure? I love a challenge.”

Alec swallows, suddenly frightened by his own reaction, and grasps Magnus’ wrist, sensing the warmth it’s releasing and the soft vein pulse underneath. Nothing more. But it’s enough to make his heart skip a beat and to feel something trembling inside his chest.

He strokes it lightly with his thumb.

They stare at each other in silence. Magnus’ eyes sparkles and small lines appear at their corners, while he’s smiling. His hand moves from Alec’s shoulder to his neck, and fingers like soft feathers brush Alec’s nape and the short cut hair above. Alec shudders.

Then a car honks loudly and the spell is broken.

Alec flinches and averts his gaze, while Magnus withdraws his hand like Alec’s skin had become burning hot. Then he clears his throat.

“I think we should call it a night. Let’s find a cab to head home.”

He waves for a car and when it pulls over, he opens the door nodding at Alec to go inside.

“Go, Alec. Don’t mind me, I’ll take another one.”

Alec hasn’t said a single word since that awkward moment they shared. He’s going to get into the car, but he turns, puts a hand on Magnus’ face and kisses him. Just brushing his lips, nothing more. But he can’t help doing it. Then he hastily enters the cab and closes the door, giving the driver his address.

While the car is leaving, Alec looks through the window to see Magnus’ astonished gaze following the cab, until he disappears around the corner.

**

Magnus decides to walk, instead of waiting for another cab. The night is warm enough and he needs to clear his mind.

He’s reliving the whole dinner and tries to understand how they ended kissing. Yes, Alec kissed him but Magnus didn’t hold back, to be honest. Alec is everything Magnus always searched for in a partner: a brilliant mind and an affectionate heart in a body to die for. Since their first meeting he felt there was something untold in Alec, something missing, though Alec’s life journey seemed pretty outlined already.  Like he’s stuck behind a mask he didn’t want to drop.

In his life Magnus has met many men prone to experiment same-sex encounters. With some of them, he accepted to engage in brief relationships, one-night stands or little more than that, ending in pleasant sex, sometimes amazing. But sex nonetheless, without any further complications.

Alexander is different. Alexander. Magnus tastes this name inside his mouth like extra fine chocolate and smiles to himself when figuring out the man’s image. Magnus didn’t get Alec was into men too. Is he bisexual? Is he even aware of a sexuality that probably doesn’t fall into the straight label?

Magnus sighs. He likes Alexander, very much so. But Alec is a married man, and Magnus is damn right sure he’s already regretting that kiss that likely caught Alec himself by surprise just like it caught Magnus. Magnus is attracted to Alec, but he can’t resolve to destroy a marriage, unless everything in it is already falling apart. It doesn’t look like it’s happening. Alec and Lydia’s marriage looks strong.

It looks. Magnus doesn’t know anything about their intimacy.

And more so, is Alec attracted to Magnus? He still can’t figure an answer.

What now? Since this event might put in some trouble this newborn partnership, it’s time for a conversation with his best friend Ragnor: maybe he’ll be able to suggest the right attitude to face the whole thing. Magnus wants to keep Alec’s friendship, at least. Right now, he doesn’t know if they can get over this accident.

 

**

When Alec gets home, it’s late and the apartment is plunged into darkness. Luckily, since Alec needs to think about what happened before, about the whole dinner and evening that ended so uproariously. He can’t still believe he did it.

Kissing a man.

Kissing Magnus.

From the furthest recess of his mind, Jason’s face comes out. It’s not the first time he kissed a man, so. It’s a memory he buried beneath an entire life.

He goes straight to the cart and pours himself a drink; this time he needs something strong, even if he’s never been much of a drinker. Then he crashes on the couch, his mind whirring around that kiss, endlessly reliving the moment. He can’t grasp why he did it. He looked at Magnus and suddenly the temptation of tasting those lips was too much. It hadn’t been anything planned, he wasn’t… thinking.

That’s it. Pure instinct.

What does that mean, so? He’s gay? Is he something he feared his whole life? Or decided to ignore completely? He can’t recognize himself, right now.

Is he regretting kissing Magnus?

Alec thinks of him: beautiful, charming, honest and caring, nothing to do with the oblivious gigolo people say he is. No one seems to know the real Magnus: Alec feels like he caught a glimpse of him, and that glimpse, he likes it so much. And the answer is no, he doesn’t regret anything.

Suddenly, he realizes he hasn’t spared a thought for Lydia yet, and he feels ashamed. He’s betrayed her trust. They might not be in love, but their mutual trust has always been real and solid. He shakes his head, puts his glass on the coffee table and covers his face with his hands. He needs to put an end to this. A full stop.

He wonders if he ever felt around Lydia what he’s feeling for Magnus now.

He wonders if this is true attraction, or maybe love. Frantic, enthralling, exhilarating. Too quick, but he has no touchstone for this. After all, he’s never been in a relationship, neither before nor after Lydia.

A love relationship.

Does he even know how being in love feels like?

What if…?

Chapter 13: Thirteen

Summary:

Some kind of communication to clarify their feelings, but it's not enough. And a threat is coming.

Chapter Text

 

Their phones go silent for a couple of weeks. Embarrassment, doubt, unresolved questions haunt their days and nights. And much work too.

Magnus is now a full member inside the Bane firm board and suddenly he becomes aware of how much responsibility he’s supposed to carry. He would like to tell everyone to fuck off but of course he can’t, not only fearing his father’s rage, much more because he knows that their employees’ lives depend on his ability to navigate through business, keeping the firm earn profits and their stockholders happy. When Christmas will come, they need to be able to gift their wives some luxurious present, don’t they? Magnus couldn’t care less, but it’s his duty, right now. So, his novel is languishing, when he goes home he’s so tired he only wants to sleep, sometimes skipping dinner.

Alec is a constant thought, when he allows himself to have some rest. He tries to fight the attraction he feels. Alec is married, married, Magnus can’t nurture any dream about him. True, Alec kissed him, barely a lip brush but still. Yet Alec doesn’t look like those men Magnus already met in his past and had some hookup with, Alec isn’t prone to any sordid affair, Magnus is absolutely sure of that like he’s sure the sun will rise tomorrow… okay, there’s also a very small chance that the sun doesn’t show, just as small as Alec can cheat on his wife. What are the odds?

Yet, he can’t help but fantasize of running his hands into Alec’s hair, or feeling Alec’s hands on himself, just the first thoughts he had at the party, that hands kink he has since when he was a teen and had his first sexual experiences. But there are only his own hands, that, in an outburst of frustration, grab his own cock and give him a hint of release, when he’s jerking off furiously as much as unsatisfactorily. With the image of Alec’s face and body burned in his mind.

*

Alec is suddenly overwhelmed by a surplus of patients, one sick colleague is enough to make things crumble. His yearning for more work has been fulfilled, but it’s not happening at his terms, so he feels control slipping from his hands, and yet the avalanche can’t be stopped. His shifts overlap so as he mostly became settled permanently at the hospital. He’s bone tired and is scared not to be clear-minded enough to do his job, but maybe it’s a blessing, so he doesn’t have to face Lydia and think about telling – or not telling – her what happened with Magnus.

More so, he can avoid thinking of him. Because when he does, his heart skips a beat, a nameless fear threatens his peace, curling inside him like a monster waiting to devour him. During his few rest hours, he finds himself staring at the ceiling, assessing his chances. He can’t keep on avoiding Magnus, though; their shared project is too important for letting their conflicted feelings overwhelm them. Unfortunately, it’s not the project he dreams about, when sleep overcomes him. It’s Magnus’ elegant body, his bulging arms that stretch his shirts, his round ass inside his tight pants, his long legs that he’d love to feel intertwine with his own…

From these dreams he wakes up panting and sweating, and hard. But he doesn’t allow himself a release, he can’t: isn’t this just like cheating?

*

Magnus takes the first step again, and texts Alec asking him to join for a coffee when he’s free. It’s a plain text, without any hint about what happened the last time they met, just a kind invitation. They need to talk, don’t they? About their project.

Alec wonders if there’s some hidden meaning behind, but can’t find any, so, after hesitating for a while, he agrees, with an equally plain answer. Choosing a café a little further away from the hospital, though. The reason why, he doesn’t know properly: this is a job meeting, after all. But he confusedly feels it might be more appropriate. And after that, he thinks they should find some more private space to talk.

Anyway, they meet at the scheduled time and, after exchanging some pleasantries, they walk in, asking for a more secluded booth.

“So, Alexander. How’s it going? Did you bring some proposal? Estimate? Anything I could show my board?”

Alec stares at him.

“Seriously? Are we going to ignore this elephant in the room, Magnus? Honestly, I can’t think of anything else, right now. Even if I know I shouldn’t and have to focus onto this damned project. I want to make everything clear between us, before. I… it was a weak moment I was caught in. I didn’t mean…”

Magnus interrupts him angrily.

“You didn’t mean what, exactly? I don’t want to be harsh but you kissed me so I can imagine you followed your gut, even in the heat of the moment. Are you feeling anything towards me, Alexander? Or did you see me like some interesting changing in your life? Because I dealt with men like that, in the past. Men thrilled in experimenting this side of sexuality as a new toy, but with no intentions to give it a chance! Men who didn’t mean anything to me but who left me disappointed and slightly disgusted.”

He leans onto the table towards Alec.

“I’m not interested, Alec. I’m not, not in such kind of relationship, and in an affair any less. So I was figuring we’d better ignore what happened, but if you want to talk about it okay, I’m in. Your turn.”

Alec bows his head, looking at the drawings on the tablecloth like they were the most interesting things in the whole world, his cogs turning while he’s trying to find a proper answer. Since he himself can’t find a reason why he acted as such.

“I… think I’m feeling something I thought it was buried in my past.” He finds enough courage to look at Magnus straight in the eye.

“You’re not the first man I kissed. I mean, we were teenagers, and it was barely a brush on the lips, but I remember that sensation. It reminds me of dreams I couldn’t follow, of a season when I thought I could become what I felt right for me.”

He leans back, dropping his head on the couch.

Magnus is dumbfounded.

“Are you bisexual, Alexander? I suppose so, since you’re married to a woman. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have understood. But I don’t want to build an affair with you, and you don’t look like a cheater. So, are you feeling anything for me? Please, be honest. That’s the only way we could go on without destroying any chance of friendship between us.”

Alec is fidgeting with a napkin.

“I don’t know. Really, I don’t. I’m wondering what crossed my mind, when I kissed you. I couldn’t help, that’s all.”

He raises his eyes. “You’re beautiful, Magnus, you know that? I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Honestly, I’ve never focused my attention on people’s look. Lydia is a beautiful woman, but I’ve never really seen her, not that way. I’ve always appreciated mind sharpness, or education, or job skills. Beauty and attraction weren’t on the table.”

He stares at Magnus.

“Now I find myself lost in a haze, when I look at you. My logic brain fuzzed, and my breath stolen because I see you and all I can think about is how gorgeous you are. And I try to convince myself that I can appreciate beauty in a man without being… sexually attracted, but I start doubting that. This is jeopardizing my whole life and I don’t know how to cope with it.”

Magnus seems at a loss for words.

“Then… what about Lydia? You’d better talk to her. I told you, you don’t look like one of those assholes keeping a façade in front of the world and cuckholding their partners. I… don’t understand.”

Alec sighs, then reach out, taking Magnus’ hand in his. And Magnus doesn’t take it back.

“My marriage has been a sort of partnership since the beginning, Magnus. Mind me, I love Lydia, with all my heart. She’s my best friend, she’s smart and supporting, and she’s everything anyone could hope for as a wife. We both came from unpleasant experiences in our lives: I had to deal with my parents’ shit and dreamed to flee away from their grasp, she had to recover from a bad relationship that left her hurt and disheartened. We met at work and realized we were going fine together. So, since none of us was too inclined to challenge ourselves with a heartbreak, we decided we could get married and protect each other. And we did, with our ups and downs, we were faithful to our vows, I mean, I was… so far. I’m sure she was too.

It worked. Perfectly. Even when we decided to fulfil our parents’ expectations about an heir – I feel ashamed now, telling you this – a couple of sexual intercourses were enough for Lydia to get pregnant.”

He squeezes Magnus’ hand.

“Our life ran smooth, it still runs smooth, until that party. Then I met you, and everything went to hell. I know, it’s been a few weeks only, but I can’t stop thinking of you, I can barely do my job, I can barely be myself. Whichever control I had on my life is slipping from my hands. I’ve never felt anything like this, for anyone.”

He shuts his eyes.

“Magnus, I barely had sex with Lydia during our marriage and it was never emotionally involving. People say sex is amazing. I’ve never felt fireworks while touching her, our intercourses were always brief, without foreplay, without passion. We stopped having sex as soon as she got pregnant and never regretted that, never missed it. Lydia agreed, actually she asked me to, and I was more than available to comply. I thought it was something everyone experiments in a long-lasting relationship, but now I realize it might not be like that. I realize I want more. I want that passion, those fireworks. I’m wondering if I can feel that… with you.”

Alec seems to barely hold his tears at bay.

“Magnus, help me understand. I’m… gay?”

Magnus sighs, uncertain about how he should react. Then he squeezes Alec’s hand back.

“Alexander, I’m not qualified to help you to clarify your feelings. I was aware of my sexuality very soon in my life and always acted accordingly. You came through a rougher path, and I don’t know, maybe you should see a therapist to understand what’s going on. What I need you to know is that I like you. Very much. But as I told you before, I don’t want to be a test, or a secret shameful affair. Be honest to yourself, first, then we could rethink about our relationship. And talk to Lydia, she deserves that. Hey...!”

He reaches out to wipe tears from Alec’s face.

“Alexander, you need to understand what’s in your mind and in your heart. To understand what you really want. If you want me as myself or it’s a matter of discovering your sexuality otherwise. I… can wait. It’s not that we are in love. Yet, at least. We need to become acquainted to each other, and I want you to feel free of reading your feelings. Then, maybe you’ll be ready to come back to me and have a serious talk about us.”

He stands up. “Meanwhile, I think I’d better appoint someone else from my office to manage the project drafting, so you can focus on that without any further distraction.”

Before leaving their booth, Magnus comes close to Alec and kisses him on the cheek. Then he raises Alec's hand he’s still holding and kisses its back too.

“Let’s go and take the car. I’ll drop you at the hospital.”

They walk out of the café without realizing there are eyes following them.

Chapter 14: Fourteen

Summary:

Magnus is confused and tries to ask his friend Ragnor for advice, opening his heart to him. Meanwhile, there's a threat hanging over Alec.

Chapter Text

 

It’s midafternoon when Magnus resolves to call Ragnor. The grumpy teacher is a busy man, always available nevertheless to give his friends wise advice. That’s what Magnus needs now, unable to see clearly in his heart while it’s fighting with his mind.

To be honest, Magnus delayed this call, as much as possible. He knows Ragnor is going to scold him for falling hard and quick once more – because he’s falling hard and quick for Alec, dammit – and for a man somehow out of his league.

Heartbreaking is not unknown to Magnus. Those few times he could feel a meaningful relationship bloom, he used to give himself completely, to find out very soon that that spark he felt at the beginning turned out to be pure illusion.

Now the whole thing is much more complicated. A straight – straight? – white married man, who suddenly looks at Magnus in awe, like he’s never seen anything more beautiful, and nevertheless wondering why.

Magnus doesn’t know how to act. He’s deeply attracted to that man, he can’t deny that. He’s sexually and emotionally attracted by a man who’s committed to another person, and he doesn’t want to destroy a relationship acting like a homewrecker. But what about Alec? Because he made the first step, blindly, maybe. And maybe it’s not Magnus he wants, but he’s trying to understand this weird sensation that pushes him towards another man. Whichever.

Ragnor answers after a couple of rings.

“What’s happening?” he asks, without even say hello.

“Good morning to you too, my friend. I’m fine, thanks.” Magnus says, feigning a confidence he doesn’t feel at all.

“Don’t beat around the bush, Magnus. I’m sure you’re calling with a purpose. Otherwise, you’d text on the group chat to call for a dinner together. So, there might be something bothering you – and going to bother me of course.”

Magnus sighs. Ragnor knows him even too well, and that’s true, their phone calls usually happen when Magnus is somehow in trouble – whatever kind of trouble it might be – and needs some advice from one of the wisest people he knows, more so since he’s one of his best friends.

“And I bet my ass – Ragnor goes on – that it’s some heart issue, isn’t it? Did you meet anyone who’s arousing your interest? Because I might have heard of some new acquaintance of yours, someone told me you had a fascinating meeting, so to speak, at a party. Hence, since I’m busy as usual, I’d like you to go straight to the point. What do you need me for, my friend?”

“Well…” Magnus starts, “Actually I might have met someone, but the thing is a bit more complicated than usual. He’s a business partner, or he’s going to be, and as you likely figured out, he’s a man… and he’s married.”

Ragnor swallows loudly. “He’s what? Magnus, what did you do? Haven’t I ever told you not to steal what belongs to someone else?”

“Ragnor, listen – Magnus is clearly concerned – I met him at that funding party Asmodeus sent me to attend. He’s married, and crap, he’s married to a woman. But our mutual attraction was clear since the beginning. We had lunch and then dinner together, we were supposed to elaborate some business plan, but I admit I’d only wanted to know him better. So, he told me about himself and Rag, I can’t deny I’m deeply attracted to him. I tried not to let my bridle go wild, but I was getting contradictory signals from him. He looked interested, too, at least that’s what I thought. Then, I thought that my gaydar didn’t work.  And finally… he kissed me. Just a brush on the lips, but he took the lead. He looked shocked by his own behavior, and believe me, I can’t understand if he’s gay or bi or simply confused. He can’t either. He told me he had a brief same-sex experience in the past, but then he met his wife and well… he’s been living a straight life since then. Unfortunately, I think there’s much more behind, but I can’t push him to where he doesn’t want to go.”

He stops talking for a few seconds, just to collect his thoughts.

“And just to make things worse – he continues – his wife is smart and beautiful, a truly lovely person, and… they have a child…”

Ragnor still doesn’t utter a word.

“Ragnor, are you still over there? Please, say something. You can yell at me, I deserve that, but say something!”

Ragnor releases a deep breath.

“I don’t even know where to start, Magnus. Seriously? A supposed straight man, a married guy with a child? You should have thought better before heading into this mess… cause it’s a mess and it’s going to get worse, you know that? Who’s this man? Can’t you stop meeting him?”

“He’s… I don’t want to say his name, even I suspect you know it already… anyway, we were supposed to meet in order to plan a working partnership, dad being an investor in his project and well… he’s attractive. Gee, I don’t mean he’s only handsome, he is, of course, but he’s sharp-minded, and such an interesting character, exceptionally skilled in his job but still full of unexploited dreams. I talked to him and time went by and I didn’t even realize… of course, his wife, she’s as lovely and an interesting person as he is, and there’s this child too.”

“Do you have feelings for him, Magnus? And more so, how does he feel towards you?”

“Shit, Rag, I don’t know. I’m so confused, and I think he is too. We’re experimenting this kind of mutual attraction, but he’s clearly torn. Torn between his firm believe to be straight – that, I doubt it, honestly: he’s totally different from those assholes I happened to meet in the past. He told me his marriage was a mutual agreement, sort of a partnership with her to keep their families at bay and to cope with their messed love life, nevertheless he’s a loyal guy. They’ve always been faithful to each other. And I feel like the homewrecker who jumped into an awkward, though working, relationship to destroy it.

Ragnor, I don’t want to play this character. I want to know him better, I want to find out if this is going to be a friendship or something more, but I’m scared because if I’m going to hang around with him, I fear that I might become too involved in that and… I might not be able to let him go. I don’t even know how he feels about that. Keep meeting pretending it’s a job matter and exploring instead a possible relationship. I can’t, Rag.”

Magnus can hear Ragnor’s cogs whirling.

“Magnus, I always tried to give you my best advice you often refused to follow. This is a more complicated situation than some previous ones you got yourself into, though I’d feel like saying that, at the end of the day, you are the free guy here, you have no commitment to anyone. So, I think it’s up to him, all things considered. Let him make the first move. Yet, you talked about mutual attraction. Are you sure, Magnus? Aren’t you going to bring your heart to the table too soon? Another Camille-like story? I’m not going to pick up your pieces once more!”

“No, no, no, Rag, nothing like that. He’s not Camille, at all. He’s going to be the one who gets hurt, I’m afraid.”

“Aren't you too, Magnus?”

 Magnus collapses on the chair, feeling his eyes welling with unshed tears.

“I… don’t know. I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to destroy his marriage but… I like him, and I don’t know what to do. When he kissed me, I didn’t push him away. He looked wrecked, he was on the verge of crying wondering if he were gay. Like that mere word could destroy his whole world.”

“Well, it’s likely, for a grown man in denial.” Ragnor points out. “You say he’s not looking for fun, so this must be something really important to him. Hence, he’d probably convinced himself in the past he should comply the usual society rules and conform to what everyone was expecting of him. He’s not the first guy who happens to discover he’d been living a lie his whole life. That’s why I think he should make the first move, since to understand what’s happening in his mind and his heart is on him. Talk to him, Magnus. Ask him with your heart on your sleeves if he has the slightest idea of what to do. He must figure out his future on his own. He must talk to his wife and choose, he can’t have it both ways, if he's the loyal man you judge him to be, he can’t be a liar. It couldn’t be easy, though. He's going to lose so much, to risk his job. So, be ready for getting rejected, he could choose his family and his respectable life.”

“I know – Magnus sighs – but I can’t help but feel he could be ‘it’ for me.”

“Didn’t you think the same about Camille? And you didn’t realize she was manipulating you. I don’t mean she and he are alike. But you both should be very careful, this is a journey you can’t come back from, once it’s started.”

“Okay, I’ll try to encourage him to talk to his wife. He asked me if I think he’s gay. How could I know, Ragnor? I suggested a therapist but he’s that kind of man who doesn’t ask for help.”

“Right now, there’s nothing else you can do. Believe me, Magnus, that’s the right attitude. Give him some space but remind him you’re here for him too. Just… don’t forget to protect your heart.”

---

Valentine Morgenstern’s office is a large, overwhelming space, intimidating, almost. It sports the clear intention of his owner to impress his clients and to threaten his enemies, showing them he can be a powerful ally and also a very dangerous opponent. Showing them all they can trust him, provided that they share a common outlook, but standing against him might end in a resounding defeat that could cost them so much.

Valentine sits behind a black shiny desk that looks made of marble, nothing to do with the comfortable, warm wood desks are usually made of. Black is the main color here: black leather chairs, black shelves, black doors, everything profiled with steel. Steely like Valentine’s eyes who’s frowning upon some report in a manila folder.

Someone knocks at the door, and without waiting for an answer it’s Jonathan coming in, handling a thick envelope. Valentine raises his gaze clearly annoyed.

“Being my son doesn’t give you the right to walk straight inside my office unannounced,” he says coolly.

“Sorry, father, but I have some exciting news to share. Want to have a look at this? They come from a trustworthy source of mine, but I had to bring them myself, for safety. I think you might find them interesting.” Saying so, he hands Valentine the envelope. Valentine stares at his son suspiciously, but finally opens the envelope and a bunch of pics slide on the shiny countertop. Black and white, a bit grainy, but the two men captured by the camera are easily recognizable. Valentine slowly scrolls through them, until one catches his eye.

“Here we are…”

In that pic, a hand brushing the other one’s arm, head slightly tilted aside, Alec is kissing Magnus.

Chapter 15: Fifteen

Summary:

Alec is restless, his mind confused, he's more and more uncertain about what to do. And when he's going to make his decision, something else happens.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

It’s his day off and Alec is restless. Lydia is in court, acting as a prosecutor in a rather impressive trial that even gained some reputation on TV news; it could represent a springboard for a further step in her career, so Alec didn’t want to bother her with his doubts and problems.

At least, that’s what Alec is telling himself, but it sounds like a poor excuse to avoid once more an explanation that is going to be painful for everyone. 

Actually, Alec doesn’t know what exactly he should tell Lydia.

Hey, Lydia, you know, I realized I find men attractive.

Kind of ‘I-want-to-sexually-touch-a-man’ attractive.

I’m not sure of my sexuality anymore.

I love you, but I want to experiment something different.

I’m an asshole of a husband who betrayed our vows.

I cheated on you.

Maybe ‘cheating’ is a bit over the top.

He and Magnus didn’t sleep together.

They didn’t almost touch inappropriately.

It was a brush on the lips, nothing more.

Lydia already knows he felt an ephemeral attraction for a boy when he was a teen, but it was so very long ago it looks almost like a dream. A confused teenager who misguided a strong friendship into something sexual. Lydia isn’t going to pay that much attention to that.

Alec takes his head into his hands. Whom exactly is he going to deceive?

He has never dug too deeply into his feelings or state of mind. He has never been too prone to analysis. Being a man of action means he never stops in order to think about what he feels inside. Action-reaction, that’s how he runs his life. For the first time, though, he can’t help but sense his chest tighten and his mind refuse to find a logic explanation, and he feels his usually steely control skip out of his hands.

What if he tries to talk with his mother? He has been managing a strained relationship with his parents for years, but lately he has come closer to his mom. After her divorce, she has softened a bit; she has suffered through a difficult time – divorce is frowned upon among the people she usually  hangs around with – yet Alec is puzzled: a divorce between two het spouses who can’t live together anymore is not just comparable to that happening to a couple in which one of the partners comes out…

Maybe he could have a talk with his siblings, instead. Though they’ve been living apart for years, they’re still very close; as long as they can, given their busy lives, they meet regularly for some dinner or lunch or movie marathons, so Alec could call them without saying the real reason behind it and once they’re together, relaxed, drop the bomb. They’re going to understand, right? They love him dearly.

But they love Lydia too.

And Max.

Will they try to push him to follow his heart or to be loyal to his family?

He thinks they’re going to tell him to be sincere, to tell the truth. Truth makes us free, doesn’t it? Does it?

Follow his heart.

His heart:  that’s how Alec is feeling about Magnus now. Well, it isn’t love, Alec repeats to himself. Yet, he can’t help but feel that he only might be himself with Magnus.

Truly himself.

Even if that would mean to throw away everything he fought for during all these years, everything he molded his entire life onto.

And what about his job? Coming out at work might be hard, he knows there are homophobe assholes among his colleagues. How many times did he have to listen to stupid, offensive jokes about gay people – especially gay men, who knows why straight men find lesbian girls so hot… disgusting guys – and force himself to smile bitterly, pretending to find all this crap amusing? He realizes now he should have said something, anything, but he was afraid… of what? Blow his cover? He wonders if he has been undercover all his life, somehow.

Anyway, there are laws against discrimination, and he’s sure there are people who would support him.

But coming out to his wife? His son? That’s the real issue.

After a whole day of torturing himself, Alec is exhausted. It’s late afternoon now, Lydia should be home soon. The babysitter peeks from the doorstep.

“Sorry to bother you, Dr. Lightwood, but… I should go. Ten minutes more maybe. I’ll tidy the kitchen up before leaving.””

Alec snaps out of his thoughts and nods.

“Sure, where’s Max?”

“He’s in his bedroom, I gave him dinner already.”

“Fine, I’ll take it from here. Thank you. Good night, Mel.”

“Good night, Doctor.”

She disappears and Alec stands up tiredly, heading for Max’s room. He owes a small part of his time to his beloved baby.

Max is drawing, looking very busy in coloring.

“Hey, Max, honey!”

“Dad!” he answers enthusiastically, running to hug him. Alec returns the hug, eyes shut: how is he supposed to leave this boy? He kisses his hair, that smells so good, then he cups Max’s face. “Look, look at my drawing, you like it?” Max says enthusiastically.

He hands the paper sheet to Alec, who swallows, feeling his throat suddenly close, while a single tear starts running down his cheek. There’s a small figure in the middle, clearly a boy, who’s holding hand with a female shape, blond hair up to her feet, wearing a long blue gown, and with a male one, wearing a blue suit. The female sports big blue stones around her neck.

“These are you the night of the party. You were so beautiful, you and mom! Dad! Dad! What? Are you crying? Why are you crying? Is it that bad?” Max frets.

Alec tries to smile reassuringly.

“Not at all! I’m… not crying, I mean, happy tears. You know sometimes grown men cry when they’re happy or look at something beautiful? It’s okay. This drawing is amazing, you’re good at drawing, and coloring… Really you thought we were so beautiful?”

“Oh, yes, dad, so much! I need to finish it, then I’ll give it to you and mom. As a gift.”

Max picks up his drawing again and resumes coloring.

Alec strokes his hair, then crumbles onto a chair next to him.

He can’t.

He can’t leave this boy he loves more than his own life.

He can’t leave Lydia, who’s always been honest and loving.

He can’t leave his family. Out of love, not out of duty.

He’ll give up on Magnus and on his dreams of a more honest life. He can do it. Even if it means lying to everyone and to himself forever.

He’s going to call Magnus, right now, and ask for a meeting, before losing his nerve, before his heart starts screaming too loud.

---

Lydia sighs when the cab pulls out in front of her building. She pays the driver and forces herself to walk these last few steps that bring her home. The day has been exhausting, she’s feeling consumed and can’t wait for a shower, a dinner, and her bed. Out of the elevator, she rummages through her bag looking for her keys when her attention is drawn to an envelope on the floor.

There’s her name written on it. Mrs. Lydia Branwell, that’s it. Her maiden name.

She picks it up carefully, but the envelope looks unharming. She walks inside, calling for Alec. But it’s not Alec answering, it’s the babysitter, whose work hours – Lydia realizes at once – should have been over for a while.

“Mel! What are you still doing here?”

“Good evening, Mrs. Lightwood. It’s been Doctor Lightwood who asked me to stay with Max a bit more, I think he received an urgent call and had to get out at once.”

“Oh… okay, that’s fine. Is Max already asleep?”

“Yes, Ma’am. I also left you some dinner in the fridge, if you feel like having some food.”

“Thank you for being so helpful, Mel. You can go now. Good night.”

“Good night Ma’am.”

Lydia sits down heavily on the first chair she comes across; eaten by curiosity she opens the envelope. There’s no sender, not even a note inside. Only a couple of black and white, grainy pics. In one of them, Alec – yes, it’s her husband, it’s Alec, even if Lydia can’t trust her own eyes – Alec is kissing a man.

---

They met for dinner, but neither ate that much. And there was no chance to discuss such a delicate matter in a restaurant, though posh and quiet. So, they took Alec’s car and now Alec is driving without a destination, trying to make Magnus understand why he can’t come out and give their couple a chance.

"I tried, Magnus, I tried... because I can't keep on lying to Lydia! And still, I can’t resolve to tell her the truth and destroy everything we built in our life. And what about my son? How can I tell him I’m not the man, the dad he’s used to? What about my job, my career? Are you aware of what coming out could mean? Being under the microscope, watched suspiciously, like it’s something I should be ashamed of, being checked on more often, since I’d be supposed to indulge in dangerous sexual habits… because this is what would happen! God, I don’t know what to do…”

 

"Alexander, we didn't do anything. It's not that we slept together! You can't blame yourself for realizing what you should already have known years ago, everyone will understand. You’ll be the same man you were before."

 

“No, it doesn’t work like that. I can’t. We need to let go, before it starts, before this gets out of our control!”

 

“Are you sure you tried?” Magnus replies, suddenly angry. “Because it seems to me that you’re rather in denial. You don’t want to face the truth, so you’re running away. I know it’s going to be hard, and I don’t want you to decide right now, but if there’s a tiny chance we can build something together, you should take this first step. Or do you want living a lie your whole life? At least, what’s left of it? I’m not ashamed of what I am, but clearly you are! I told you I wasn’t qualified to understand whether you’re gay or not, but holy shit, you look just like those trembling, scared men who can’t stand for what they need, fearing to lose their nice, respected place among their moots! And yes, you’ve got a decision to make!”

 

“I’m not ashamed of myself! – Alec yells – I don’t want people I love to get hurt!”

 

“Damn, but I love you, too! What about me?”

 

Silence falls between them.

 

“You… what?”

 

“I love you, Alexander.” Magnus drops his gaze onto his lap. “Since the first time I met you, I knew. Sorry, forget it, I… shouldn’t yell at you.”

 

Alec can’t find enough strength to reply. He stares at Magnus, lips parted, and his eyes are blurred with tears.

 

Suddenly, another car’s headlights appear right in front of them. Too close. It’s too late.

 

“Alec! Watch out!”

Notes:

Well, I deserved a cliffie too, didn't I? LOL!

Chapter 16: Sixteen

Summary:

After the little cliffhanger, some explanations. Things are going to be brought to light, and yes, it's for the better, eventually.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Alec tries to brake desperately, but it’s too late, and the two cars collide in a deafening metal noise. Their vehicle flips rolling, and there’s no up and down, no left and right anymore. After a while, the car stops, tires on the asphalt; it’s a little mercy. Alec pushes the airbag to free himself, luckily they were wearing their seatbelts, and looks like they’re alive. Almost unharmed. Mostly.

 

Alec is panting and sweating, but in a couple of minutes his breath becomes less ragged and he tries to evaluate possible damage. His body hurts everywhere but nothing looks broken, even if he’s sure many bruises are going to appear later. He feels something dropping along his brow and cheek, and he’s sure it’s blood, some minor laceration on his head. Likely, nothing that some stitches can’t mend.

He starts to turn slowly – he doesn’t actually know if his neck suffered some damage he isn’t aware of yet – to check on Magnus.

 

“Magnus, hey” he croaks. Beside him, Magnus is silent.

 

“Magnus!” he calls louder.

 

Pushing further, he is able to turn completely towards the passenger seat. Magnus is unresponsive. A large bruise on his temple, he’s breathing, but his breath is shallow and when Alec can check on his neck pulse, it’s weak and fast.

 

“Oh my God, Magnus, please, wake up, wake up! Love, answer to me, please!” he’s shouting now. But it’s useless. He can’t count on a police patrol crossing over there by chance, he needs to pick up his phone, hoping that it’s in one piece and still working, and ask for help. He doesn’t even know what happened to the other driver, maybe they need help too.

 

Trying to move his arm is more painful than he expected, his shoulder might be dislocated, after all. He grits his teeth and takes a deep breath, before maneuvering to pop it into its right place, muffling a scream. A few tears from pain run down his cheeks, but he can grab his phone and slowly raise it. Thanks God, it’s working. He painstakingly dials 911 and explains what happened; being a doctor, he can clearly list any possible medical issues, realizing that, despite all his training, he’s on the verge of panicking. Finding himself on this side, as a patient, is more challenging than he thought. He doesn’t have the slightest idea of where they are right now, but he hopes they can track his position through the mobile.

 

The effort exhausted him, now that adrenaline is dropping. He lets the phone fall on the floor, still clear-headed enough to leave it on, then raises his hand to touch Magnus’ arm while darkness calls him.

 

**

Bright lights and an unmistakable smell of disinfectant. Still eyes shut, Alec slowly becomes aware they are at a hospital, or an ER. He swallows, remembering their accident: so they have been traced and rescued, after all.

Magnus! Where is he? Is he okay?

He shakes and tries to sit down, but he’s weak and aching, his shoulder hurts, so he gives up with a huff, trying to draw the attention of a nurse, even if everyone looks extremely busy. Unfortunately, Alec knows how a hospital works.

A young man with kind eyes comes close to his bed.

“Hey, you’re awake, how are you feeling?”

Alec licks his dry lips and the nurse understands, offering him some water.

“Easy, man, small sips. And don’t try to stand, you’re pretty banged up and your shoulder needs to stay put.”

Alec drinks, then clears his throat.

“I… I remember I had an accident, but there was another guy with me, on the passenger seat. Did they bring him here too? How is he going? Is he hurt?”

Breathing is hard.

“I’m a doctor, I checked his pulse… shallow and fast… “ he adds.

He can’t speak anymore but he already asked what matters, didn’t he?

“Are you his family? Husband?”

“No… he’s… a coworker.”

“I see. Well, a doctor will come and talk to you. Anyway, your friend suffered from a bad concussion, he’s still unconscious but they are taking care of him, so don’t worry and try to rest. Try to sleep, if you can. Do you want me to ask for some pills?”

“No… no, I don’t want to sleep, I want to be awake when he wakes up too. Maybe, some painkillers?”

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

That said, the nurse walks away and Alec finds himself staring at the ceiling. Once more.

He knows he should ask if they found his phone.

He needs to call Lydia who’s surely wondering where he might be.

He needs to call his hospital to ask for a medical leave, at least for a few days.

Yet, nothing is concerning him more than Magnus’ health.

A concussion. How bad? Is there any internal bleeding? Swelling? Did they put him in a coma? Is he going to wake up? Sooner? Later?

He takes a shaky breath. There’s no point in fretting about something he can’t control. When he’ll have a word with the appointed colleague, he’ll ask them. The nurse comes back with some painkillers and Alec swallows a couple of pills obediently. Then he closes his eyes and falls asleep without realizing.

**

When Alec opens his eyes, a few hours later, his body is still aching, but his mind is much clearer. He needs to know if Magnus is awake and yes, time has come, he must talk to Lydia. This accident and Magnus’ confession shed new light on the mess their lives have become, and now this choice he has to make looks easier, and urgent.

His entire life reminds him now of a hideous fiction he continued out of habit or social purposes, but he can’t stand it anymore. He deserves better. Lydia deserves better, she deserves to find someone who could love her properly, maybe she will be able to overcome her own insecurities and live a full life. Alec only hopes she will be understanding and sympathetic enough to not cut Alec out of his own son’s life. Alec is pretty sure of that.   

He looks around searching for his clothes, that are neatly folded on the chair next to his bed. Still, he can’t dress up by himself, having an arm tightly wrapped at his chest, so he decides to call for the nurse once more. After all, he needs someone to escort him to Magnus’ bedside too. He’s going to ring the bell when someone walks in, and he hears a soft voice calling.

“Alec, dear…”

He turns abruptly, and it’s Lydia at the doorstep. She looks disheveled and tired, her face free of makeup, tear traces on her cheeks.

“Lydia…” is the only word he can utter, while his mind is racing.

Does she know?

Who called her? Of course they called her, she’s his emergency contact.

“Lydia, I…”

Lydia enters the room and sits onto his bed. She brushes a hairlock behind her ear.

Alec stares at her hand, silently. There’s no need to talk, he waits for Lydia to start.

And Lydia speaks.

“How are you feeling? Are you hurting? Do you need anything?”

Alec shakes his head and Lydia goes on.

“You know, when the hospital called, telling me you were involved in an accident, of course I came at once. The doctors told me you’re going to be fine after some rest, I’m relieved.

Because I care for you. I love you.

But Alec, now that I’m sure you’re okay-ish, I need to talk to you. Are you feeling like listening to me? I… can come back later, or we could postpone this talk, if you prefer, though I’d like to, well, get it all out on the table right now.”

Alec nods, his throat too tight to speak. That’s the moment he was fearing, the time for the conversation. Lydia rises from the bed and starts pacing.

“Just before they called me, something happened. I came home and you weren’t there. The babysitter told me you had an emergency call and asked her to stay. I could have thought “well, he’s a doctor, it happens”, if I didn’t find an envelope right in front of our door. With my name onto it, my maiden name. That was weird, wasn’t it? I didn’t want to open it at once, I was so tired after this whole awful day at court, but, out of curiosity… do you want to know what I found inside?”

Alec doesn’t answer, doesn’t move either. He’s sensing that an earthshaking revelation is going to come out and scream at the world, scream and scream until there’s no more room for silence, until the heavens fall and the mountains crumble.

Lydia opens her bag and slowly pulls out a pic, turning it so as Alec can watch.

There’s no denying anymore, isn’t it?

“The hospital told me you were with someone in your car, and asked me for information concerning his family, to call them too. They told me his name. It’s him, isn’t it? I know who he is – Lydia continues – I met him at that party, even if we haven’t been formally introduced. You had some meetings with him, about your project.” She makes a noticeable break. “Given that you actually talked about the project…”

Alec finds his voice, at last.

“Lydia, believe me. Nothing… happened. Who sent this to you?”

“Does it matter? Do you mean you kissed him for fun?”

“No… I… kissed him because I wanted to.”

He sighs, shakily. Is he going to find the right words? To compel what he’s feeling? His confusion? His hesitation, all the doubts, all the questions filling his mind? He’s never been good at sharing, he’s always bottled up everything. Out of shyness, of shame, or of plain secrecy, he doesn’t know.

He stares at Lydia, who’s pale and clearly tired. Is she ready to fight, just like she looks in court, ready to defend what she feels right – what’s hers? Or is she going to surrender?

“I can’t lie to you anymore,” Alec whispers. “We felt – still feel - this incredible attraction towards each other, but he’s been respectful, he didn’t ask for anything else.”

“So, you have been disrespectful, to me and to our vows!” Lydia replies angrily.

“Yes, I was. He’s free, Lydia, he has no commitments, I’m the only guilty guy here, towards you and our son.”

“Did you… sleep together?” she asks more quietly, eyes closed like she’s expecting a blow.

“No, we didn’t. We couldn’t. But… I would be glad to,” he whispers. “I realize now I denied my true self my whole life. I… it seemed the right thing to do. I denied that so deeply I couldn’t even think that reality might be different. My brief experience with that boy at high school… I erased it, when I should have caught it as an alarm bell. But I chose to be… normal, I couldn’t stand the idea of being watched and judged, I know it was hypocritical on my side, but I was scared and I didn’t have anyone to confide in, to trust. So, I chose the easiest path.”

“The easiest path? It doesn’t seem so easy now! You could have trusted me!”

Lydia stops pacing, and suddenly deflates.

“I should have known. I should have gotten it. I was afraid this day would come at last. I knew you felt no sexual attraction towards me, and I… I’ve always been rather cool about sex, I was sure you loved me though. I trusted you, your loyalty, your… friendship. Sometimes I feared that another woman could appear and destroy our marriage, taking you away from me. But this… I didn’t expect this, not at all.“

She looks at him, and there’s… pity? in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Alec. I’m sorry because I love you and I understand now you’ve lived a self-loathing life, pretending to be who you’re not, without even realize that. Burying your feelings under layer upon layer of respectability, stubbornly silencing your heart and soul. You did it for yourself, for your career, to fit into your community. You did it for me, and I’m… grateful for all these years you gifted me with. For this loving friendship we had. But truth is strange. No one sees it when it hides, but how much it screams and yells when it comes out and waves its arms like a madman.” She scoffs. “What an appropriate citation, right now.”

“Lydia, I do love you. I might not have been in love with you, but that was clear since our beginning. What I feel now, it’s so new, so unexpected, so incredible. Nothing I ever experimented before, and I don’t even know how to cope with it.”

He looks at her straight in the eye, trying to convey all his pain, all his despair, but also asking for her forgiveness, offering her, as a sacrifice, what he just found. Love.

“I can’t lie to you anymore, I told you. Though – he swallows – I can… give up, I can come home to you, if you want me to. No one needs to know, we might… get along with this, leaving it in our past and start again. Somewhere else, where no one knows anything about us. I… can give this to you, I can do it.”

She cups his face, while a few more tears start running along hers.

“Somehow, somewhere, you got lost along your way, Alec. I… don’t want to be another stumbling block on your path. I love you and the thought of losing you is devastating, yet I don’t know if I feel like fighting either… sounds useless, somehow - she snorts – if I were in court, I would acknowledge my defeat. Just… please think about your next move. Try to make up your mind. If you want to try saving our marriage, we can talk. We can find some agreement. I don’t know what to do either. My mind tells me to let you go. My heart wishes I can keep you beside me. I’m torn, everything is so new, so confusing.”

She clasps her hands together. “I changed my mind. Could we have this conversation later? Now… maybe, you should check on… your man.”

“I know I have no right to, but… can I hug you?” Alec asks quietly.

She comes closer and holds his head between her arms, while Alec hugs her waist with his good one and digs his face onto her belly, like a man who’s going to drown.

“Lydia – he whispers – could we try together?”

Notes:

Lydia's words, when she talks about a citation, are not mine. The sentence is a (very) poor translation from Spanish, it belongs to Federico Garcia Lorca's drama "Yerma".

Chapter 17: Seventeen

Summary:

Alec is back to work, worried because he has no news about Magnus. An unexpected conversation with an equally unexpected friend helps him to clear his mind.

Chapter Text

 

Alec is back to work roughly a week after the accident. Somehow benched, since he can’t use his arm properly yet, but he couldn’t stay home. Things are awkward there. He and Lydia didn’t talk anymore after that painful conversation at the hospital; the day after, Alec was discharged and Lydia came to pick him up, driving him home and making small talk, none of them having enough strength for further debating.

Alec doesn’t understand what Lydia is trying to do. She’s acting like nothing happened. Maybe she’s waiting, letting Alec take his own decision, or she’s hoping he isn’t thinking of Magnus anymore – as if Magnus could disappear from his mind as nothing happened.

Now everything is in the open, and it’s for the best, but it’s time to come to an agreement about their life together; Alec was ready to go back home to a marriage that was deeply shaken, giving up on Magnus and being available to start again somewhere else. They ought to get ready to face this new journey. Yet, this is the only thing they can’t do, and silence between them is becoming heavy.

And there’s the yet unsolved photo issue bothering them, too. After their early bewilderment, that awful night of the accident, they realized how dangerous that pic could be, long wondering which coward enemy would want to destroy their lives, and why. Not that Alec doesn’t have a hunch, but without any evidence. They have been scared for some days, waiting for the photo to be released onto tabloids or social media; they’re ready for a counterattack, Lydia has already put up a statement and a draft for a legal action.

But nothing has happened so far. This might be personal, and they’re waiting now for the shoe to drop.

So, unable to stay inactive, Alec has come back to work. Unfortunately, being benched and stuck with paperwork is not enhancing Alec’s mood. He’s a man of action, he needs to actually do something, and dealing with clinical folders or planning the hospital activity are not his favorite ways to spend time. Even his research projects or the infamous hybrid OR lost their appeal.

It’s Magnus filling his mind and heart.

He couldn’t get any news about his health since the accident, he’s not family so he doesn’t own any right to know, and they didn’t have any contact so far. He could try to inquire asking his colleagues working for the hospital where they were taken care of, but he hesitates, both owing to his professional discretion and also trying not to risk of accidentally disclosing their relationship. Alec is not ready to come out at work: dealing with his family is already a lot, and more so, he doesn’t want to go public without asking Magnus first. Maybe Magnus couldn’t be prone to drop this bomb yet. Yes, he’s out and proud as bisexual, but what about his father, or his business… All in all, Alec chooses to keep silent. 

This effort doesn’t improve his mood though, and Andrew is worried he’s losing his magic touch in catching Alec’s state of mind.

Right now, Alec is frowning upon some kind of report he already tried to read a couple of times, finding himself to start again and again, not remembering a single word. Andrew peeks from the doorstep, looking worried.

“Alec… “ he calls, cautiously.

Alec sighs. “What?”

“Can I do anything for you? I see you’re not in the best mood for working. Do you want me to help checking on those papers? Would you enjoy some coffee? Tea? Drink?”

Alec angrily throws on the desk the papers he’s holding.

“No, thanks, I’m… good, yes, I’m good.”

“You don’t seem to me that good, honestly.”

“Just stop!” Alec snaps. Then, looking at Andrew’s hurt face, he punches the desk hard and winces, since that’s the arm he shouldn’t use. But the pain is welcome.

“I’m… sorry, I’m sorry, Andrew, I shouldn’t have picked on you when my life is crumbling down!”

Andrew smiles gently and walks in.

“I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but you know you can count on me, right? If you need someone to talk to. I know I’m your subordinate, but you might see me as a friend, I’ve never betrayed your trust, you can tell me anything, I won’t say a word outside this room. Please, drop this burden off your shoulders. You’ll be better, after.”

Alec is tempted. He realizes he doesn’t actually have any friend to rely on. Yes, he has his siblings, but they’re going to be too emotionally involved, with Lydia and Max at stake. He doesn’t feel like telling them everything, yet. And he never came out to them. Yet, again. He’s sure they’ll love him anyway, but he can’t shrug off that residual fear of being rejected. Hell, he doesn’t even know himself how to cope with this new hazy, uncertain reality.

Andrew is the closest to a friend he’s ever been in contact. And he’s openly gay, he’s married to a man, so he might understand what’s storming in Alec’s mind right now.

Alec nods at the chair in front of his desk. “Take a seat, Andrew, please.”

Andrew complies, looking at him with eyes so kind and compassionate that Alec feels tears swelling. He swallows, trying to remain calm.

“I’m having such a hard time, lately. You’re right, I’m not in the mood for anything, too many things happened I can’t deal with. You know I was involved in a car accident last week.”

Andrew nods. “Yeah, I was so worried. Luckily you got away with a minor injury.”

“Yeah, I was… lucky indeed. What you do not know is… I wasn’t alone.”

Andrew doesn’t speak, looking encouraging. “So?”

“There was another person with me, a person I had a… date with.”

“A… date? I’m sensing that it wasn’t Lydia, is it?”

“It wasn’t.”

Andrew reaches out, lowering his voice and sounding encouraging.

“Alec, spill what you need to tell me. Come on, you know I might be more useful than only being the man who keeps an eye on your job schedule!”

Alec takes a shaking breath.

“I had a date with a man. Do you remember that Magnus Bane who came here to talk about my hybrid OR project? He was going one of the contributors. We met a couple of times for business, and then we became closer and… Jesus, Andrew, I like him. I like like him. Like as a man shouldn’t. And he likes me, maybe a bit more than like. To be honest, he told me he loves me. And… I don’t know how to manage this feeling, I thought I loved my wife, I thought I was a loyal husband. And I’m not, because I’m thinking of him night and day, I can’t think straight, I can’t work… I can’t be home too. And I don’t know what to do.”

Andrew tilts his head aside.

“Like a man shouldn’t? You know who you are talking to, Alec, don’t you?”

He sounds bitter, and Alec feels ashamed.

“Right, Andrew, I’m sorry. That’s my inner homophobia talking. Fun fact, I wanted to speak with you just because you already were when I’m now. I hoped I could… get some advice from you. How did you understand you were gay?”

“Alec, my journey has been quite different. I’ve never doubted about who I was. I realized I was gay when I was a teen, and yes, it wasn’t easy, but I came out quite soon. My family supported me, so I’ve never felt ashamed of it. If you’re realizing it now, you’re experiencing a totally new kind of feelings, you could have denied that when you were younger, I don’t know. That’s not the point. What are you ashamed of? Being gay or being an unfaithful husband? Does Lydia know?”

“Yes, she does. I couldn’t keep on hiding and… we’re trying to solve this puzzle. She was amazing. She offered me the choice to leave. But I can’t resolve to. And to answer your question, I really don’t know. I was taught that being gay is wrong, is a sin, so – you’re right once more, I did experiment some attraction to men when I was younger, but I crushed it under my fear, under my parents’ beliefs, because I was so scared they wouldn’t love me anymore, I was scared of being rejected by my siblings, by my friends, I was scared of having job issues… Jesus Christ!”

Alec is yelling now, voice cracking, hands on his face. Then he feels gentle fingers touching his.

“Hey,” Andrew says quietly, “stop punishing yourself. Take deep breaths and try to calm down. If I may, I’d suggest you first come clean with Lydia. You said she’s been empathetic and forgiving. So you two can talk honestly to each other and define what’s best for you. If you ask me, I think you should go separate ways, this gap between you might increasingly widen and make your life together a living hell. Neither of you deserves this. But it’s your decision to make, accepting consequences. Still. What is your heart telling you, Alec? Can you hear it, among all the buzzing? If you can, then try to follow your gut.”

Alec rises his gaze, his eyes haunted, but strangely relieved after his confession.

“I’m sorry for Lydia, I’m scared I couldn’t see my son anymore, but… my heart tells me to be with Magnus. I can’t deny that, even if it sounds selfish. Andrew, I got I’ve never been in love before. I think I am now, and it’s scaring.”

“Then go for it, Alec. I fought to conquer my husband’s love, but I’ve never regretted my efforts, because I’m whole with him, I am where I’m supposed to be. You deserve to find happiness, if this is what you desire most.”

“It is, I can see that. But I still don’t know if I deserve it. I still have to take into account Lydia’s feelings.”

“For heaven’s sake, Alec, just take your destiny into your own hands! Do something! Anything! But stop moping! It’s wrong, for anyone of you!”

At that moment, the outdoor bell buzzes. “Wait” Andrew tells Alec. He stands up and goes checking who might ask for a meeting.

It’s someone named Ragnor Fell.

Chapter 18: Eighteen

Summary:

Magnus in the aftermath of the accident, hurt and miserable. Enter Ragnor Fell. Will Magnus' best friend be able to help him? Help them both?

Notes:

Sorry for the delay in updating, damned PT takes a toll on me, it means a lot of time (not wasted, okay, but still... annoying)

Chapter Text

 

A few days earlier

 

Magnus is sitting on his hospital bed while the appointed neurologist checks on his clinical folder and performs the last tests before discharging him. She’s a mid-aged woman, grey hair, short and pleasantly curvy, but her maternal look is deceiving. Magnus already knows she’s stern and unforgiving, and she’s not going to let him go, unless she’s dutifully satisfied with his answers. It’s her job, after all, though Magnus has been repeatedly trying to convince her he could go home without consequences. Yet, he needs to acknowledge that the car accident has left him shaken enough; he still suffers from sporadic dizziness and random blinding headaches, not too often but when they hit him, he’s knocked out for good and needs a long nap to recover.

These symptoms might be very uncomfortable but they’re going to disappear, sooner or later, the doctor says. Magnus honestly hopes sooner than later, but there’s so little he can do, apart from resting and taking it easy for a while, until he’s better.

Sometimes his head feels like it’s full of cotton, everything so muffled… it could be a blessing, since also unpleasant thoughts are subdued, but Magnus doesn’t want that. He wants to remember everything – the events of that doomed evening are still blurry – and wants to understand what Alec is planning to do, and wants to plan himself about his own life, because this tension between them is unbearable. It’s pretty clear they can’t keep going on with their business until this issue is solved, and Magnus also knows he has to face his father and explain to him why things are so messy. More so, Magnus is pissed off since Asmodeus showed to be such a sharp oracle, able to foresee where Magnus’ weak heart would lead him.

Damn…

He hasn’t enough strength to get acquainted with this mess. When he tries to focus, he feels his cogs uselessly whirring, without being able to stop and check on a single thought. Maybe it’s too soon indeed.

Meanwhile, he has absentmindedly answered the doctor’s questions, and yay, looks like he answered correctly, since that woman is telling him he’s free to go. With recommendations, a bunch of pills, rest prescription, blah blah… That’s fine, as long as she discharges him. Right now, maybe he only wants to go home, take a shower a sleep for an entire weekend. She leaves some papers on the bedside table and finally, finally she’s gone.

Magnus starts to slowly collect his things. This effort is almost too much, and he sits again, wondering if he should ask for help or call a friend instead of a cab. There’s a knocking at the door.

“Come in” he says.

Ragnor’s face appears when the door is open, and Magnus thinks he’s never been so happy to see someone.

“Ragnor, oh my goodness, bless you for coming!”

Ragnor manages to look somehow angry and pitiful and affectionate at the same time, watching Magnus with a scowl, arms crossed on his chest, then he sighs and seems to deflate.

“Holy shit, Magnus, what happened?”

Magnus purses his lips. “Alexander, happened…”

“I already know he was with you in the car. Unfortunately he’s been discharged a couple of days ago, otherwise I would have given him a piece of my mind! Would you mind letting me be informed about this bloody mess?”

Ragnor is almost yelling now, and it’s a lot, because he never does. He must have been given a pretty big scare, his emotions seldom overwhelm him like that. Then he makes a visibly huge effort and calms down.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Please, tell me, Magnus.”

Magnus sheepishly looks at him from under his eyelashes, but Ragnor is totally unmoved, the scowl on his face, apparently, permanently etched on his brow.

Magnus sighs.

“We decided to meet and talk about our situation, and what to do with it. I asked him to talk with his wife before, I mean, at least if he’s going to give our relationship a chance. But he couldn’t make up his mind and told me he was going to choose his family and life. And… I might have pushed a bit too far and told him I loved him.”

“Magnus… !”

“What? It’s true. I love him. I realized that when I was listening to him telling me he can’t leave his wife and his son because he doesn’t want them to get hurt, and I get it, but I’m vulnerable too. I am! My feelings matter! Though right now I can only feel like the asshole who destroyed a happy family!”

“No, Magnus. You might be a naïve good-hearted guy, a man who gives his heart away too soon, too deeply, but don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault, at all. If that marriage wasn’t built on fake love and commitments, Alec would have pushed you away, kindly, maybe, but with no hesitation.”

“You’re wrong, they love each other, that’s why it’s so hard to go separate ways.”

“I know, I meant love like being in love. They aren’t, you told that before. He told you. Something went missing in Alec’s life, that’s obvious.”

Ragnor comes closer to Magnus and squeezes his shoulder briefly.

“Let’s go home, dude, it’s rest you need most, right now. Everything is going to look easier tomorrow, after a good night sleep.”

Magnus complies, but he’s not so sure. Will tomorrow bring any new clarity?

 

Now

Andrew comes back with a guy in tow, a man around his forty, an authoritative aura around him. Brows furrowed, he can’t hide the kindness in his eyes, though. Creases of concern are etched onto his face, and his posture is stiff, like he’s preparing to a task he doesn’t like at all.

He’s a total stranger to Alec, not even one of his patients or a relative; Alec glares at Andrew for letting him in while they were in the middle of a very disturbing and personal conversation, but it’s too late and Alec is forced to listen to what he’s going to say.

The stranger introduces himself politely.

“Good morning, Doctor Lightwood. My name is Ragnor Fell and you’re undoubtedly wondering why I dared to bother you in a busy workday without asking for an appointment before. But I’m sure you’ll understand soon the reason why I’m here.”

Alec stands and slowly reaches out to shake the hand Ragnor offered.

“Glad to meet you, Mr. Fell. Please, take a seat. I’m afraid I can’t make much time to listen to you, as you said before it’s the usual busy day…”

“I won’t steal much time from you, Doctor Lightwood. I came here bringing you some information I suppose you’re interested in and… also a request, a prayer, maybe…”

Alec frowns at the word “information”, fearing some kind of blackmail, but what does “a prayer” mean? Ragnor’s following words erase any thoughts from his mind.

“I’m perhaps Magnus Bane’s best friend – Ragnor goes on – and I thought you might want to know…”

Alec flinches. “Please – he cuts Ragnor off – how’s he doing?”

Then he swallows. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. And I don’t even know if I’m entitled to ask you, but since you came to me, I suppose you got his consent to inform me.”

Ragnor hesitates. “I need to be honest with you. Magnus doesn’t know I’m here, if he knew, he would forbid me to reach you. He doesn’t want you to feel by no means pressured. Actually, I came to talk to you for two main reasons. I know you are… friends, and that you were together in that accident, and I’m pretty convinced you’re craving news from him. Well, I can tell you he’s fine, mostly. His concussion has pretty much healed, he still suffers from random migraines, but he’s back to work, trying to take it easy, of course.”

Alec can’t help but sighing in relief; Magnus’ thought had been plaguing him for days, not knowing how he felt, and now, at least, he can be reassured about his health.

“I’m very glad to hear that – he stutters – and… I’m grateful you told me.”

“Nevertheless, my second reason is somehow more personal and sensitive.”

Ragnor stares at Alec, almost glaring at him.

“I’ve been made aware through my friend’s familiarity that your friendship has taken some more intimate traits…”

Alec snaps. “We never, ever…”

“I know, I know – Ragnor exclaims – I didn’t mean to imply anything inappropriate. I know my friend and I can believe you were an honest guy too, listening to what he says about you. It’s hard to find the right words and I can assure you I don’t want to blame anyone, I’m perfectly aware that sometimes things slip out of control, especially when we come to feelings. But Doctor Lightwood,” Ragnor leans over the desk and lowers his voice, “Magnus suffered from his fair share of disappointments in his life. He looks flamboyant and shallow, but he’s not! He’s a kind, thirsty soul, hungry for love. He falls hard and deep for people who seem to care for him, but he’s been deceived so many times I can’t even count anymore.”

Ragnor leans back and sadness fills his eyes.

“What I want to tell you is I know what’s happening between the two of you. Please, Doctor Lightwood, be honest with him. Be loyal and sincere. Make up your mind, or at least try to. He’s already blaming himself because he fell for a married man. A closeted man, if I may… Talk to him and take a stand. Or let him go, he healed before, he will once more. Just… don’t let him hang from your lips, don’t get his hopes high, if you don’t feel like disrupting your life. He’ll understand, he’s already sure you’re going to risk too much in this relationship.”

Alec can’t find a single word to reply. Ragnor is right, Magnus is right. Alec is the one who needs to choose. Magnus knows that Alec is going to pay the highest price, losing his family, hurting his wife… and what about coming out? But also, Alec can’t let Magnus hope for something he could never get, Alec should let him go… or allow himself to return Magnus’ love.

Ragnor is silent now, slightly embarrassed maybe. Alec stands up and clears his throat.

“Thank you, Mr. Fell. I need to thank you for warning me. I know this cannot go on. I assure you… I’ll think about it. I’m in a midstream I don’t know how to cross, but I don’t want to hurt Magnus. He’s only been kind to me and he… he means a lot to me.”

Ragnor smiles. “Thank you for your time, Doctor Lightwood, and please forgive me for being so bold, but I care for Magnus, very much.”

Alec nods and asks Andrew to walk Ragnor out. Then he collapses onto his chair, head hanging on the desk, fists clenched.

“What am I supposed to do…?”

Chapter 19: Nineteen

Summary:

Didn't you all say that Alec needs a slap? It's coming... and for heaven's sake, it's for the best!

Notes:

TW: homophobic slur

Chapter Text

 

That day keeps another surprise for Alec. After Ragnor has left, he’s been able to enjoy only a few minutes of calmness when Andrew comes back.

“Alec, I’m sorry, there’s another guest asking for you. And unfortunately, it’s Valentine Morgenstern.”

Alec rolls his eyes. His impending headache is becoming annoying, and he was on the verge of giving up work and go home. But now, obviously, he can’t. He takes out from the desk drawer a small vial containing some aromatic oil and pours a few drops on his fingers, massaging his temples hoping to get some relief.

“Okay – he nods at Andrew – let him in. But stay please, pretend to take notes or something. I don’t want to be left alone with that guy, I have my reasons.”

“Sure. Let me warn you though he isn’t alone either. There’s a young man accompanying him, very resembling him, I’d say he’s a strict relative, or a son.”

“Damn!”

Alec suspects it’s Valentine’s son, actually, that son Valentine asked him to recommend for practicing with him. Looks like the man came to collect his claim, though the funding is not properly decided yet. Once, Alec would sell his soul to get what he wanted; but life has thrown something at him lately, and he suddenly realizes that his priorities have changed. It’s been a few weeks only, but now what he craved so much before looks incredibly less appealing.

Well, he needs to think about his patients’ wellbeing, his coworkers’ efforts, Luke’s unwavering support even when Alec himself has been harsh to him. He can bear to meet Valentine. What he doesn’t know is if he can allow him to dictate his conditions.

Meanwhile, Valentine and yes, it’s his son Jonathan on his tow, are walking into Alec’s study, while Andrew sits down on a chair beside the window, a notepad in hand, taking the role of the faithful secretary.

“Doctor Lightwood! I’m so glad to meet you!”

Valentine looks elated but his smile and his cordiality, as usually, sound fake. His eyes give him away as the snake he is. And his son doesn’t offer better vibes. Alec thinks that once he would have exchanged some pleasantries, trying to appease the counterpart, even if feeling disgusted.

Now, he realizes he can’t do that anymore, and it’s a strangely liberating sensation.

So, he doesn’t offer a smile in exchange, and it’s clear they are not welcome.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Morgenstern. What do I owe the honor of your visit? I can’t offer you much time, though. Duty calls, I’m sure you understand.”

“Of course, Doc. After all, I came unannounced, and I thank you so much for allowing us to engage this conversation. This is my son Jonathan, do you remind I talked to you about him at the party, don’t you? About his wish to practice under you?”

“I remember, I do. So what?” Alec barely acknowledges Jonathan’s presence. He knows he’s being rude, but he hopes to get rid of them as soon as possible. Even debating with a cool head about the money Valentine can offer, Alec knows that thanks to Magnus the new ward might be completely financed by Banes&Co., so he doesn’t want to interact with this man anymore. And yes, once more, his priorities have changed.

Valentine’s smile falters a little. He sits uninvited on the armchair in front of Alec’s desk and nods his son to do the same. Then he reaches towards Alec, who retreats just a bit.

“Well, I brought some papers for you to sign, a… technicality, of course, but you know, better safe than sorry. And now that our shared business is on its way, I’d like to feel that everything between us is crystal clear.”

Alec snorts. “I highly doubt that something crystal clear can be shared with you, Mr. Morgenstern. Anyway, to my knowledge, we didn’t need to share anything anymore, since Banes&Co is going to take charge of the whole funding. So, if you don’t mind…”

It’s an obvious dismissal but Valentine doesn’t seem to catch the hint. He leans on the back of the armchair.

“Ah, Doc, but you’re forgetting you owe me something. I made you and Mr. Bane to meet. And without my good offices you couldn’t get what you wanted from him. I’m sorry I have to remind you this. Also, if I remember correctly, when we talked about our business, you told me you could have a word with the hospital board to give my son this chance of practicing with you. I held up my end of the bargain. Are you going to do the same?” he says.

“That’s right, I did promise you to help your son. But I’m not going to. I had a look at his curriculum and honestly there are better candidates. So I won’t put my patients at risk, or embarrass my boss and my coworkers, recommending a mediocre student for our service.”

Alec’s harsh words let the two of them gaping, until, before Valentine can utter a word, Jonathan leans toward Alec, almost bent onto the desk, while Alec retreats, half scared and half disgusted, his personal space sacred to him.

“Stop beating around the bush,” he exclaims, “we know… things about you, things you wouldn’t want people know, I’m sure…”

Valentine grabs his son’s arm, trying to stop him.

“Jonathan… we’re not alone!” nodding to Andrew who looks astonished while following the whole scene.

“Right…,” Jonathan replies, “do you really want your secretary to listen to what I could say to you? So, he can gossip around? Faggots like doing that.”

It’s the last straw. Suddenly, everything flashes in front of Alec’s eyes: Andrew’s kindness and loyalty and his devotion to his husband, Alec’s own being closeted all his life and his relationship with Lydia, his fake marriage, Magnus’ honesty when he tried to let Alec make up his mind, despite being in love with him… In front of Alec, this raging young guy, already rotten thanks to his awful father; Alec is pitying him but he can’t pass over such insults. Alec’s father might have been a jerk, but he is an honest man, he would never try to bribe people into doing something for his own exclusive benefit.

“My secretary – my friend – Andrew… there’s nothing he can’t hear about me. Don’t you dare to call him like that anymore, this dirty, insulting word I don’t even want to repeat, and… “

“We have pics!” Jonathan yells, in an obvious last attempt to convince Alec. “Pics of you and of your male lover, kissing and smooching like the disgusting guys you are! How are your boss and coworkers supposed to react, when they’ll watch them, huh? When tabloids will publish them, or they will be released to the media? Do you think you’ll still have a position here, after?”

“ENOUGH!” Alec booms, standing and taking advantage of all his height.

To avoid hitting Jonathan’s stupid face, he slowly rests his hands on the desk.

“Enough!” he repeats. “Just get out of my face, right now, and never come back. I don’t mind what you can conjure against me. You were right. Once, pics like those you own would scare the shit out of me. But you made a mistake, first, when you sent them to my wife, because it was you, isn’t it? What happened between she and I, that’s nothing of your business, but believe me, I won’t hide anymore. And I need to thank you for this. Maybe, if you wouldn’t threaten me and try to blackmail me, I’d never find the gut to come out to the world. Now I understand I can’t do anything else. I’m sick and tired of being scared, of refusing to acknowledge my true nature. People who love and appreciate me, they won’t change idea about me. Those who will, well, they don’t deserve me. And now, LEAVE!”

“You’ll regret this!” Valentine exhales, astonished by Alec’s outburst, and slowly starts to retreat.

He and Jonathan walk out, not too kindly pushed by Andrew. Then he closes the door and comes next to Alec, who’s still standing, eyes shut and jaw clenched, harshly panting.

“Alec… this was, for heaven’s sake, I can’t say how I felt, listening to you! Thanks for defending me, of course, but Alec, you’ve been so brave, so imposing, so authoritative! I’m so proud of calling myself a friend of yours… and as a queer man, gee, I’m so proud of you!”

Alec raises his gaze. His voice is trembling now, he looks drained by his fight with the Morgensterns.

“What do you think it’s going to happen now?”

Andrew squeezes his shoulder.

“I don’t know, Alec, but you were right. For those who appreciate and respect you nothing is going to change. And I do believe everyone here appreciates and respects you, so don’t worry too much. Regarding your family… it’s going to be a hard journey, but you can do it. They love you, that’s what matters most, they will understand.”

“Well, the cat is out of the bag now. Let’s face the consequences before Valentine unleashes his dogs,” Alec replies, and after taking a shaking breath, he walks out towards Luke’s office.

**

Alec is sitting on the couch, emotionally exhausted after having informed Luke about what happened with the Morgensterns and, above all, after coming out to him. He’s been on the verge of a panic attack, a sense of guilt about his sexuality so deeply ingrained inside him he couldn’t even say “the word” out loud. He knows it’s something coming from his childhood and teen years: he could never get rid of the painful feeling of being wrong and disappointing his parents. Becoming a successful grown man hasn’t erased that sensation, even if his parents’ approval wouldn’t be that essential anymore. But the nagging feeling still stands, and tortures him.

Despite this, he did it. He poured his heart in Luke’s hands. He tells himself that the hospital good name is at stake too, so he had to come clean before things went sideways, but for the first time in his entire life he’s free. He’s true to himself.

Luke has been very sympathetic. Alec knows he’s a friend, but, as he’s also his boss, he believed for a while that Luke feared about the hospital reputation. Well, a few contributors might refuse to keep on financing their activity, but Luke was adamant.

“Alec, as your boss, unless this might impact on your performance as a surgeon, you don’t have to worry. There are laws protecting you from discrimination and I’m totally ready to impose sanctions, should there be inappropriate comments or job issues, it’s within my jurisdiction as Head. Anyway, I know my staff and I’d say no one will bat an eye. The Morgensterns can scare us only if we let them. The hospital board has no right to investigate about the staff personal life unless felony is involved, and they might be charged. Otherwise, there’s no way it can retaliate. A statement to support you may be released too, in case.”

He pauses, some uncertainty leaking into his stance.

“As your family’s friend, this is a lot to process. Of course, I’m concerned about Lydia and Max, and about what you all are going to endure dealing with this awkward situation. But finally, this is your life and you have every right to manage it the way you feel best for you. You said Lydia could agree on a quiet divorce and on a shared custody for Max?”

Alec sighs deeply.

“I hope so. I mean, a quiet divorce is fine, Lydia is torn and hurt but not vengeful, she’s been very empathetic first, and I thought she would let me go. It’s a chance for her too, a chance to find someone who could be a real husband for her. Lately, she’s very quiet, like she’s scared to face the topic, but finally I suppose she’ll agree. About Max, god, I don’t know. She knows what he means to me and how much he loves me, but when my relationship with Magnus will be out in the open, what’s going to happen? She could think she’d better protect Max from gossip and maybe from being mocked by his friends or their parents, you know how awful people can be. And she could ask for exclusive custody.”

“Yes, that’s an option, though, as a lawyer, she should know there are laws that don’t allow to take a parent’s sexuality into account as a tool against them. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll find a way to meet halfway,” Luke encourages him.

But Alec is mulling some other thoughts.

“And what about our families? My parents and my in-laws? Luke, it’s going to be a scandal.”

Luke puts a hand on Alec’s shoulder, gently patting it.

“Alec, you can’t face everything and everyone all together. One step at a time. It might show much easier than you think now. Let’s start with your coworkers, likely the less slippery slope, right now. Do you prefer to speak to each one of them privately, or would you like me to call a restricted meeting with those who work more closely to you?”

“I think I’ll go for the meeting,” Alec replies tiredly “better rip the band-aid off, huh?”

**

Everything runs much smoother than Alec could believe. No one really batted an eye when Alec addressed them telling them his story – not all the nuances, it’s not their business – but Alec finds it so relieving, while he’s saying “the word”.

He’s GAY.

Yes, he is. He never found women attractive. He loves his wife as the partner, the wonderful friend who blessed his life so far, but he met someone who made him understand he can have something more than a friendship or a partnership.

He knows this is only the first step, the easiest one, but now he can stop living a lie. He’s ready to talk to Lydia for real now, telling her there’s nothing more to save between the two of them and that they’re going to start a new journey.

He can have love.

He’s in love with Magnus Bane.

Screw all.

Chapter 20: Twenty

Summary:

An elated, enthusiastic Alec who found the gut to be himself, an honest (at last) conversation with Magnus. And hope blooming.

TW: homophobic slur

Notes:

Yeah, there's a final number for chapters!

Chapter Text

 

There’s a last thing Alec needs do before going home to face Lydia, at last. He must call Magnus to alert him about Morgenstern. Alec doesn’t doubt at all that the failed blackmail against him might be tried against Magnus, so he’d better be ready.

First, he thinks about calling Ragnor. Alec and Magnus haven’t had any further contact since the day of their accident; will Magnus feel like answer to Alec’s call? Will he choose to avoid him? It doesn’t matter, he’s going to try.

He fishes his phone from his pocket and dials Magnus’ number with shaky hands, before losing his nerve. Magnus’ phone rings for a while – Alec doesn’t know if Magnus is refusing to answer or it’s a simple delay – but finally he picks up.

“Alexander?”

Just hearing Magnus’ voice makes Alec melt. Suddenly, he feels like the sun is shining a bit more, despite the unresolved issues between them and the eerie situation they’re going to face.

“Magnus… sorry for calling, I hope it doesn’t bother you too much.”

Magnus sighs in the phone. He’s sick and tired of this back and forth, his peace of mind has been affected enough. Doesn’t he deserve some serenity? Why is life challenging him all the time? He has been disappointed – or worse – so many times already. It’s his fault, he knows that, but why? Once more?

“What more do we have to debate about, Alexander? You made it totally clear you don’t want to lose your family and your career, I’m okay with that, I mean, I understand. It’s my fault, after all. Being flirty and all, it backfired me this time. So, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, it’s not even the first time I end with nothing.”

Alec feels his heart clench. Magnus sounds so defeated. He needs someone to be there for him. Can this someone be Alec himself?

“What? No, no, Magnus, I’m… Listen, there’s something you should know, maybe more than something. Magnus, I… came out.”

There’s silence stretching on the other side of the call. Then Magnus whispers.

“You… what?”

“Yes, I came out. You could say I was outed, somehow, but eventually, well, I feel it’s been for the best.”

“Alexander, being outed is never for the best. What happened? How are you?”

“I should ask you how you feel, after the accident, but… ah, screw all indeed, I don’t want to keep secrets from you, from anyone, anymore. Your friend Ragnor came to my office making your cause to me. He was very polite and told me about your conditions, and Magnus, it’s been such a relief, knowing that you were mostly okay, I can’t thank him enough.”

“That asshole… I can’t believe he did. What else? If I know Ragnor – and I do know him – he must have pleaded you for leniency toward me.”

“Not exactly. He made me rethink about my choices, though. He said you’re prone to love unconditionally and asked me to be honest with you and make a decision without deluding your heart. And to be honest with myself too, if I wanted to take this path. Otherwise, to let you go. And Magnus… he was right. I can’t keep on overthinking and play both sides, trying to keep everything together.”

“I’m sorry, Alexander. He should have minded his own business. I assure you I didn’t…”

“I know, Magnus, I know. He was adamant about that, that you weren’t aware of his actions, and even told me you wouldn’t approve, blaming him for it, so it’s okay.”

Magnus seems less frantic now.

“Still, I’m sorry. But what about being outed? Not by Ragnor, I’m sure.”

“Of course not. I was paid a visit by Valentine Morgenstern and his son, and this is the actual reason why I dared call you. He tried to extort me.”

“Alexander, that’s impossible! What could he have against you?”

“Unfortunately, he has a few pics in which we were… I mean, I was kissing you. Remember? At the restaurant exit.” Alec sighs. “He was clearly keeping an eye on us since the night we met. Maybe he tries to have something against whomever he does business with, in case he needs a leverage, or he saw something clicking between us that very night, I don’t know. When we talked at the party, he made me promise to support and promote his son’s application for an internship at my hospital – he knew we are very picky about our staff – and I must confess I agreed. I was worried about the ward funding, and I thought I could have managed the boy, given that the hospital board agreed too. But I obviously underestimated him, and today he came to ask for his payment, so to speak.”

“Alexander, that’s a lot to handle. What did you answer?”

“Magnus, I suddenly realized I couldn’t hide forever and let a jerk like him threaten me. Which price was I supposed to pay? For how long? Waiting for his son to kill some patient of mine? Ragnor had just left and I was already thinking of you and… of how much you mean to me. And then… then the Morgenstern boy called my assistant, my friend Andrew, who was listening to this conversation on my request, a gossiping faggot. I couldn’t let him do that, Magnus. Andrew is one of the best persons I know, and anyway no one deserves this. Also, I thought… holy shit, so I’m a… faggot too? That’s how people see me? Try to make me feel guilty because I like men instead of women? I felt a fire bursting inside me and suddenly I wasn’t afraid anymore. I kicked them out and then I went to talk to my boss Garroway. I told him everything and with his complete support I came out to my coworkers. And you know, Magnus? No one looked baffled at all, they hugged me and said they were happy for me.”

Alec’s enthusiastic speech does something to Magnus. It’s like watching a soul bloom, the sun peeking behind a cloud. Something Magnus could not believe happening. If he has to be honest with himself, he thought Alec would choose his well-organized life, his quiet existence… and his family. Yet, he surprised Magnus, who’s feeling hope waking up inside his chest. It’s amazing.

“I’m in awe, Alexander, I’m so proud of you. I also need to apologize for the last words I told you, just before the accident, I don’t remember that much, but those words, I totally do. I was rude, I said you weren’t even trying. I was wrong.”

“No, you were not, Magnus. I was seriously going to let you go and not to face my reality, I was going to choose living a lie forever. I was scared. I still am, but I want to be honest now, with everyone, my coworkers, my family… and Lydia. And you, above all. Anyway. What I wanted you to be warned about is… beware Valentine Morgenstern. What he tried with me, he could try with you or your father. Be ready. Prepare yourself and talk to your dad, if you feel so.”

“I will, Alexander, thank you for telling me. And… I’d love to see you again. Of course, if… you feel fine with that, I don’t want to pressure. I confessed my love but you don’t need to tell me back. Take care of your loose ends, I’ll wait. Hopefully, you’ll come to me. But I will be okay whatever you’re going to choose. I’ll always be happy for you even if you won’t choose me.”

Alec swallows, throat suddenly tightening.

“I still don’t know, Magnus, I have so much to deal with, I need to process this storm that is wrecking my life. But you’re my anchor. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, homophobia is still ingrained inside of me, I don’t even know to use the right words. But I want to learn, with your help… if you still feel like stay by my side and teach me how to be myself.”

“I will always be at your side, Alexander. Trust me.”

__

Magnus has just ended his conversation with Alec and he’s staring at his phone. So, it happened. Alec came out. Not the best scenario, though, with the Morgenstern threat hanging over them, but Magnus can’t help but feel giddy. Despite not being able to work out his guilt, because he knows that Alec will always carry the burden of tearing his own family apart. Whether Alec chooses Magnus or not, things won’t be the same from now on, and Magnus wonders if he really did what’s right for Alec, unwittingly pushing him to admit to his homosexuality. But Alec sounded so relieved when they were talking on the phone: maybe Magnus represented only the trigger he needed to become conscious that his life relied on wrong assumptions.

Magnus sighs. He suddenly reminds of his old nanny. When he was barely more than a toddler, they sat in the garden, and she often handled some clothes in need of a mending, to not waste time, she said, while she was watching him play. He was so curious and often came to sit beside her to look at her working.

“You know, Magnus,” she used to say “there are two separate ways in mending. A hole in a fabric might be mended in a hurry, only trying to close it as soon as you can. This will leave a scar, thick and raised, and everyone will be able to see it. Nothing to be ashamed of, but everyone will stare at it and maybe ask you why you weren’t careful enough. And you’ll become angry, because you’ll feel guilty, and finally you’ll only be able to see the scar, not the reason why the hole developed. Prone to repeat the same mistake. Otherwise, you might mend the hole in a more accurate way, choosing the right yarn and the right color, and carefully picking the loose ends, to recreate the original pattern. A trace of your mending will always be seen, but maybe people won’t realize that. There won’t be questions or answers. You will know, though. And every time you’ll have a look at that mending, you’ll be kindly remembered of your mistake, but it won’t hurt you. It will teach you how to avoid that very same mistake.”

Right. Alec will always remember he made a mistake, choosing first a comfortable life instead of a true one. And now, leaving that life which represented his entire world so far will leave a hole Magnus doesn’t still know how to fill. But slowly, gently mending it will do good to everyone.

Maybe it won’t hurt that much.

Chapter 21: Twenty-one

Summary:

A Magnus-centered chapter, a confrontation with his father, while things slowly unfold to a (happy enough) end.

Chapter Text

 

Since the accident Magnus is mostly working from home. It’s not that he doesn’t feel well, he’s healed already. Somehow he doesn’t want to face people fussing about him, asking him how he feels and if they can help him, telling him how sorry they are for his accident. So far, they managed to keep things quiet: no one – at least he hopes so – knows he wasn’t alone in that car, they might guess there’s more, but no one dares ask for more information. Magnus thought it was better for Alec’s sake, but now it’s useless, isn’t it? Nevertheless, Magnus still chooses to avoid his office, until it won’t become strictly necessary.

After Alec’s warning, he feels he’d better have a chat with his father, just in case. It might not be necessary, but Magnus knows well how it works in business: a good name is everything, but a single accident might reshape it very quickly into a very bad reputation.

Once again, he finds himself slowly crawling the stairs up to his father’s room/office. A deadly tiredness is creeping up his limbs, and he doesn’t even know why; he can’t blame the accident, he doesn’t have any disturbances left. It’s the whole thing with Alec, their concerns, the ghost of his family haunting them; Magnus was on the verge of giving up. Yes, love should be worth the pain, Magnus told Alec he loves him. But Alec didn’t tell him back and Magnus was wondering if his heart might deserve some peace, after being bruised so many times.

Maybe he isn’t able to understand what love is, maybe love is only a figment of his imagination. But being with Alec was so easy, so soothing, comfortable… Magnus couldn’t help but believe he found his soulmate, to be cruelly disappointed shortly thereafter.

Alec’s coming out cast a new light on their relationship: it’s a big step, and Magnus can’t help but nurture some hope inside. Maybe they will have a chance. Alec isn’t his though, yet. Alec is still Lydia’s husband and neither he nor Magnus want to start anything before solving this issue. They’re running in circle like moths around a flame, and their chance of burning is unfortunately very high.

Magnus sighs, even if the weight inside his chest is slowly relieving. Maybe Alec will make up his mind about his current relationship, now; so far, there’s nothing Magnus can do.

He hesitates a little in front of his father’s door. Though he’s almost sure Asmodeus knows already – he has a wide net of informants, Magnus would bet they’re keeping an eye on him too – he doesn’t feel like going through another wave of pain and disappointment, telling his dad the whole story. Nonetheless, he has to.

He knocks at the door and walks in. Asmodeus is sitting on his usual wheelchair but he’s at his desk, looking in better shape than a little while ago. New therapies? Or anything awakening his interest?

“Hey.” Magnus greets him.

Asmodeus doesn’t answer but raises his head, knowingly staring at Magnus, who unwillingly shrinks a bit under that sharp gaze, just like when he was a reckless young man explaining himself after some improper behavior.

“How can I help you, son?” Asmodeus finally asks.

Magnus takes a deep breath, walks in, and resolves to speak.

“There’s something I need to tell you, to warn you about. It’s… well, it’s my fault, but I want to explain everything to you before you get a wrong opinion and act accordingly. Someone, um, brought to my attention that someone else could try to threaten us… let’s say blackmail us, and…”

“Are you referring to your little love story with one well-known doctor? Who happens to be already married?” Asmodeus interrupts him. “Or to a few interesting pics where said pretty doctor is kissing you, looking at you with heart eyes?”

Magnus gapes at him. “You… can’t… I thought you already knew we met several times, but how do you know about the photos? And yes, that. Dad, there’s nothing between us, there never has been. We talked a few times for business purpose, and…”

“And now you’re into him, aren’t you? Is he into you, too? You couldn’t make an effort to spare me this trouble. I warned you, Magnus, I know you’re prone to listen to your feelings… or to your dick.”

Magnus moves close to him. He would want to look intimidating, but Asmodeus’ gaze is cold and ominous, and though Magnus has always been aware of his father’s double side, the affectionate one for him and the threatening one for the rest of the world, he realizes he’s never truly understood how dangerous and powerful he is. Magnus wants to scream, offended by his father’s words, but takes a deep breath and with a huge effort he succeeds in speaking smoothly. He doesn’t need such an enemy.

“I might have often been prone to listen to my dick, father, but this is not the case. I feel something for this man, something real and beautiful and emotionally deep, and I think he does too. Yet, not that this is your business, we didn’t do anything inappropriate. He wants to respect his wife and I respect his will. You might tell me about how nurturing feelings for each other is already disrespectful to her, but things happen, and he’s trying, we’re trying, to make amends and to right the wrong. What I wanted to warn you about is Valentine Morgenstern’s threat to leak our still-to-be-born relationship on the press or on social media. His main purpose was to blackmail Alexander…”

Alexander!” Asmodeus snorts.

“Yes, Alexander,” Magnus resumes, “to bribe him into bringing his son Jonathan as Alec’s protegé at the hospital, but Alec refused to. Mr. Morgenstern always tries to make the most of what he has up his sleeves, so I think he could try something with you too. After all, a ruined reputation is bad for business too. And if Alec and I will have a chance – he swallows – he would be… family too, and I know how much you value family.”

Asmodeus didn’t stop Magnus from talking, and now he’s staring again at him, in silence, like he’s checking his options about what he can disclose. Then he speaks.

“He already did.”

Magnus doesn’t understand.

“Who did what?”

“Morgenstern already did try to bribe me into buying the photos. Telling me precisely that, good reputation in business, family, and so on.”

Magnus is dumbfounded.

“And… what did you do? You let him?”

Asmodeus is staring at him.

“It’s already taken care of.”

Words that are pronounced with a calm voice, but Magnus feels like they were shouted.

“Taken… care?”

Asmodeus sighs, and for the first time he looks tired. Since he started being sick, he lost some of that authoritativeness that made him look invincible. His word is likely still law, but now he seems to crumble under the weight of a whole battling life.

“Son – he starts – you should understand that I can’t allow anything or anyone threaten me and get away with it. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am now, if I had. So, don’t ask for anything else, I know you’re not comfortable with my… style, so to speak. I already know you don’t want to be my heir in this business, you’re too soft, your mother’s fault, or merit, I don’t know. But… “

Asmodeus’ gaze becomes sharp and somehow threatening, while he slightly moves his wheelchair to face Magnus.

“But there’s a price to pay for everything. I saved you and your doctor from public shame, because you might very well be living in a world of merry friends who don’t give a flying fuck of who you are or who you hang around with, but business environment is not like that, and as you already underlined, a good reputation is everything. An affair between two men, one of them in a committed relationship, a married man, is unacceptable. So, since I spared you both from being exposed, you’ll play the good, affectionate son and will start to work next to me since tomorrow, you’ll become my right hand and when I’m retired, or I’m dead, you’ll take over.”

With one last meaningful glance, Asmodeus comes back to his paperwork, as if he lost interest in the conversation.

“Stay safe, you and your doctor, understood?”

Magnus is speechless. He surely didn’t expect such a turn of events, and he’s also suddenly conscious of how dangerous his father is. He wonders whether he never had a clue of that or simply didn’t want to see, before. He feels sick about working with Asmodeus, but he’s bound to keep this agreement though, for his and Alec’s sake. His dreams... might be postponed. He doesn't want to give up on them, but his and above all Alec's safety are more important.

“Okay,” he whispers, “after all, I think I should say… thank you” and walks out of the room, followed by his father’s mindful gaze.

Chapter 22: Twenty-two

Summary:

And at last Lydia and Alec have their conversation, that also brings them to go separate ways. Like every time something comes to an end, there's hurt. But it's the right step towards a new life perspective.

Chapter Text

 

Alec is elated. It’s mid-afternoon, the sun is shining, and a strange thrill is blooming in his chest. He smiles to himself – he can’t remember the last time he felt so light – and he’s trying to get rid of the most urgent work to come home a little earlier. He’s ready to talk to Lydia. He’s hopeful she will understand, after all she was already sympathetic when they had that weird and unsettling conversation at the hospital, the night of the accident. His heart skips a beat: what if she isn’t anymore? What if she changed idea and is ready to fight? They haven’t talked that much after that night, and not about this topic for sure. But no, it can’t be. Lydia has always been his most supportive ally, she might be hurt but she loves him, doesn’t she?

God, he can’t wait to go home. It’s an uncontrollable need, to throw off everything he’s been keeping inside for years. Like there’s no time to waste anymore. Andrew seems to catch his mood, like he’s always been able to, and nods to him.

“Alec, let me finish all this paperwork and go home. I see you’re crawling out of your skin, you’re useless right now. I don’t know what’s bothering you, but please go.”

Alec rolls his eyes but can’t just help but acknowledge he’s restless.

“It’s still early, and I need to get rid of this stuff before.”

Andrew glares at him. “ALEC! It’s been an eventful day, and you must be exhausted. This stuff can wait, and anyway I can take charge of most of it. Go before I myself kick you out!”

Alec smiles. Andrew is really a good friend. Not only he’s been all ears when Alec needed support, but he’s always been a rock, his rock, without Alec even realized, during the years they worked alongside.

He stands up, eventually.

“Thank you, Andrew. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” and stares at him trying to convey in his look all the gratitude and the affection he’s feeling. It’s a new sensation, being so close to someone and feeling good for that, a sensation he’s not used to. Was he really that cold and stiff before? Before what? Before being in love? Is this the answer?

He collects his things and walks away after fondly squeezing Andrew’s shoulder.

__

 

Alec gets home as soon as he can. He walks inside and drops his jacket and shoes, calling for his wife.

“Lydia! Lyds, are you home?”

The house is silent. Maybe Lydia hasn’t done with work yet. Well, he can wait, even if he feels like he’s going to burst from anxiety. Then a muffles noise comes from their bedroom: the door is open and Alec reaches for the doorstep.

Lydia seems not to hear him coming, busy in stacking some clothes in a suitcase. Two other ones, likely full and already locked, wait next to the bed.

Astonished, barely getting what he’s seeing, Alec whispers.

"Lydia… Lydia, what are you doing?"

She turns to stare at him. She doesn’t look angry, more… resigned.

"It seems pretty clear, isn't it? I'm packing."

"Packing.. what..! Lydia, listen to me! I came home earlier because I wanted us to talk. We didn’t yet, did we? Not really. You were pretty keeping on yourself lately, I didn’t understand what you were thinking… about us, this. But I want to. Honestly, I need to tell you something."

Lydia stops fretting, her eyes fixed onto the suitcase, hands clenching a shirt, like she's trying to find the right words. They hurt each other already too much. Then she starts folding the same shirt again.

“Does it matter anymore? Isn’t this what you want?”

It’s a good question. Maybe it’s exactly what Alec needs and hopes for. But he doesn’t like to end things like this. He wants to explain her it’s not their fault, it’s not hers nor his, but he fell in love for the first time in his life, and maybe there’s nothing more to share but she deserves to know that Alec still loves and respects her… He hasn’t found the right words yet when she resumes to speak.

“Alec. I don’t blame you, believe me, I love you as much as the day we got married. Maybe more, because I know now how loyal and supporting you are. Living with you has been wonderful, fulfilling, it helped me to make peace with my demons. But – she sighs - there’s no time for empty words anymore, this can’t go on. This weird situation when I’m aware that your heart craves for something different, for another person, for a guy, Alec. And pretend with the world that nothing happened, when I’m dying inside, bit by bit. Mind me, the object of your love being a guy doesn’t matter to me. Same, if it were a woman. It’s this unsolved situation I can’t withstand anymore. Living with you, having meals with you, sharing the same bedroom, the same home… and this shadow overwhelming us. Avoiding our issues. Not having the conversation we promised to engage. It’s not me. Can’t you see?”

“That’s what I hoped for, an honest conversation.” He takes a shaky breath. “Lydia, I came out today.”

She freezes, gasping.

“I came out to my boss and my coworkers after Valentine Morgenstern came to my office threatening me to leak those pics you know about. He tried to destroy our mutual trust first, then to blackmail me. I couldn’t let him hold so much power over me and you. So, I kicked him out and then I came out, and I must say, I feel so much better now.”

He reaches a hand as to touch her arm, but she flinches, and Alec lets his hand drop.

Then he collapses on the bed.

“That’s why I’m home so early. I needed, I mean, in a way to properly come out to you too and tell you I can’t do this. Anymore. I know I hurt you. I thought I would give up on Magnus, never see him anymore, and we could move, change city, or even state, find a job elsewhere and start all over again. I thought we wouldn’t exactly be back to square one. And Max being still a kid, he would make new friends. But I can’t, it’s too late for this, and I can’t fool myself anymore. Nor you. Though, I need to apologize to you.”

Lydia sighs, then starts packing again.

“Alec, I knew already. And I know you tried but we need to go separate ways. You’re not exactly a John Doe, neither am I. I don’t want to hear people gossiping around us, wondering if and why I forgave you, or whether you and Magnus still keep an affair or not. So no, it’s too late, you’re right. You’re an honest man, Alec, you couldn’t stand living a lie. Also, your heart and soul would be torn between duty and longing. And I deserve something better than this too. Live your life out in the open, Alec, so I will be able to live mine.”

She pauses.

“And think of Magnus. If you… are in love with him, remember this is hard for him too. For his business, his good name. For his relationship with his father, that’s already strained. Everything must be clear, transparent. I’m sure it’s not your thing, nor his, to have sordid secret meetings, having… sex in some luxury hotel where discretion should be guaranteed but you never know if someone from the staff might be paid to spy on you. To find yourself and him exposed inside some cheap tabloid, like you already risked to. I knew you wouldn’t want any of this for neither of you.”

It’s true. Everything she’s saying is true. She sees the whole picture. She has always been the wise side of their marriage. Wise and strong as a rock, and Alec is now realizing how much he relied on her strength, taking it for granted.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” he adds quietly, “but I hope we can still be friends… at least in a while, when you’ll be ready. And if you won’t, ever, I’ll respect your decision. Just… please don’t cut me out of our son’s life, Lydia, I’m begging you. Our son is my world, I can’t live without him.”

She locks her suitcase, then stands, holding its handle, her coat on her arm.

“Max is already at my parents’. Of course, you’ll be free to come and visit him anytime, just let me know when you’re going to. I’ll speak to him and tell him what’s happening, and you should too, so as he knows that it’s a shared decision and dad and mom still love each other, even if they don’t live together anymore.”

Tears start running down Alec’s face. He quietly sobs, but he’s aware this is the end. And though he hoped for it, he feels defeated, broken.

“I failed you,” he whispers between sobs “I failed you and our son, I’ve never deserved you.”

Lydia smiles, sadly, and cups his cheek with so much tenderness that Alec shuts his eyes.

“You didn’t fail us, Alec, don’t apologize. You simply fell in love, for real, this time, and you found out this new, unexpected side of yourself. Then, we thought that it was the right thing to do, but it wasn’t. Follow your heart, my dear, you’re forgiven already. I owe you too much to not forgive you and let you find happiness. I’ll be fine. I’ll always love you and I know you will love me too. This, it can’t stop.”

She looks around, as to fix in her mind a final picture of what she’s leaving behind.

“I’ll miss this home. I was… peaceful, here. But there’s nothing more for me here.”

She turns on her heels and walks out, while Alec slowly helps her with her luggage. It’s really over.

Chapter 23: Twenty-three

Summary:

Alec has a conversation with his family and comes clear with them too.

Notes:

Yes, I added a chapter, mostly because I had to split the last one, but they will be posted together.

Chapter Text

 

Jace and Isabelle find themselves outside Alec’s door, wondering why they were summoned at such an ungodly hour; it might depend on Alec’s shifts, but all this sounds very weird and somehow concerning.

“Do you have any idea why he called us?” Jace asks warily.

“I don’t,” Izzy answers, her brow painfully furrowed “but I fear the worst. He wouldn’t if he didn’t have something really important to tell us. At least, I hope it’s nothing regarding his health, though I sensed there was something wrong lately.”

“Yeah, you’re right. He’s kinder, in a way, more affectionate, and far less focused on his job only. I’m scared now… isn’t he going to leave us, is it?”

“Well, looks a bit too dramatic… but there’s only one way to find out. Let’s walk in.”

So they knock at the door – they don’t dare to ring the bell, to not bother his neighbors – and the door swings open immediately, like Alec was waiting for them just behind it.

“Hey” they greet him awkwardly.

“Come in. Thanks for coming at this awful time, I needed you.”

Everything looks awkward, even Alec. He wears grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt that might have seen better days, and he looks younger, reminding them of the boy whose comfortable sweaters always had holes. But he also looks exhausted, hunched shoulders, eyes red and bags under, his mouth a regretful line. He’s dead pale and sports a stubble. This is what hits Izzy most: she can’t remember to have seen him other than perfectly shaved since a decade ago. His hands are trembling, very slightly but obviously. Everything in him screams sorrow.

Alec shifts back to let them in. Izzy looks around and she’s hit by the deep silence lingering in Alec’s apartment. It’s far too soon for Max being awake, but where’s Lydia? Oh well, maybe she’s still sleeping. Izzy tries to shake off this uncomfortable feeling, so she nods at Jace and they are going to enter the living room but a real surprise is waiting for them, since there’s Maryse already sitting in one of the armchair.

“Mom…?” they both ask, gaping.

“Good morning” she answers, sharing a worried look with them. There must be something really wrong: this sounds like a family meeting for unpleasant news. Jace and Izzy sit down on the couch across Maryse’s armchair, and Alec sits on the other one.

“So,” Izzy starts abruptly, “what’s happening? We’ve been trying to understand what you needed to tell us but we couldn’t get to the bottom of that, so spill, please, because we’re worried sick, honestly. Add mom’s presence… Are you okay?”

Alec sighs. He’s looking at a spot on the wall behind them, and swallows. Then he moves his gaze straight onto them.

“I’m not, actually. Lydia… left me.”

A sudden dead silence falls between them. Then Jace opens his mouth, trying to convey into words his mixed emotions.

“She… what?” he can barely ask.

“She left me. Yesterday. Taking Max with her, and yes… she did.”

“What the fuck? Did she give you any explanation?”

Alec leans back on the armchair and closes his eyes.

“I think I owe you an explanation. Don’t blame her. She understood what was happening much sooner than me, much before I was even aware of my own feelings. I should thank her because she helped me to see things clearly. And I owe you also because you warned me so many years ago, and I didn’t listen, I didn’t want to. It’s time to be honest, with you and with myself.”

He opens his eyes and looks straight in front of him.

“I’m gay. I am. It’s so awkward to say it out loud… I think I’ve always known but admitting that, it’s totally different.”

He stands up and starts pacing around, while everyone is at a loss for words, shocked.

“I do remember when I was a teen and Jason kissed me, Izzy. Also I remember what you told me then, that you would pick up my pieces.”

He stops widening his arms.

“This is me in pieces.”

He lets his arms fall.

“I failed. I failed my wife, my son, you, everyone. And I failed myself too, I didn’t want to acknowledge my true nature. It’s my fault, since I let you, mom, and dad convince me to erase my feelings because they were wrong and drag me into a life that wasn’t my own, into a job that I didn’t feel right and that sucks so much energy out of me until there’s nothing left, for anyone or anything else. I… I thought I was happy… Well, honestly, I was sure that real happiness couldn’t exist, that true love couldn’t exist, so I felt comfortable with what I had. I traded my dreams for a quiet life I could control everything about, nothing unexpected, nothing out of the ordinary.

Then I met Magnus Bane, a business partner. Apparently so bizarre, so unconventional, so different from his father and from all the environment he lived in wanted him to be. So himself. So different from me, too, and yet so close. Now I know. I met true love, and for a very brief moment I thought I could have it. But nothing comes for free, doesn’t it?”

Izzy comes closer and puts her hands on his shoulders, as for grounding him, or maybe to make sure it’s her very brother speaking, and not some avatar. She wants to investigate but so many questions pop up in her mind she doesn’t even know where to start.

“But what about Lydia? Does she know? Does this Magnus reciprocate your feelings? Is he married too? Does he know she left?”

Alec raises his hand as to stop her.

“Lydia knows, and that’s why she left, but not out of rage or vengeance. Of course, she’s disappointed, but she’s been wiser than me, and sharper. She’s been worried sick about me for months, I think she could sense I was going to freak out, even before I met Magnus. Maybe he simply appeared in my life when I needed someone like him the most, when I was on the verge of exploding and I was ready to embrace change. Whatever. She’s been amazing. I can’t tell you everything she said to me but mostly she left me to set me free to make my choices. I’m grateful to her, still I feel like I let her down, I let anyone down because I’ve been a coward my whole life and I stayed in the closet without even realizing that, and now everyone is going to pay the price.”

Alec falls onto a chair, elbows on his knees, his voice broken, his hands restless.

“And to answer to your questions, Izzy – he continues – Magnus still doesn’t know that Lydia left and he… he loves me, alas, he said it first. He’s not married, he doesn’t even have a partner, so… it’s on me, to give us a chance.”

Jace jumps in, concerned about the distress that comes in waves from his big brother and best friend.

“But how did Lydia come to know about you? You said he’s a business partner and… wait, your accident… were you with him? I remember the hospital staff saying there was a passenger with you in the car, but I didn’t pay attention, I was too worried about you…”

Alec nods and starts telling them how he and Magnus met at the party, their meetings, their growing attraction.

“I felt torn between two halves of my soul, one telling me about my duty and the vow I made to Lydia, and the other… the other telling me that I deserve some happiness too. That happiness I never tasted, even if I didn’t know. I thought I was happy, yes… at least, appeased, fulfilled with a job I didn’t choose – because, mom, you know I didn’t – yet making me proud of myself. With a wife who loved me, even if we never were in love, a son who means the world to me. But this isn’t enough anymore, not after I met that man. Being gay is a truth I can’t deny. Being in love with that man, either.”

Then he talks about the accident, the photos Lydia received, the blackmail, and how he kicked the Morgensterns out of his office.

Maryse regains her ability to speak, at last.

“Alec, I don’t know what to tell you. I can’t say I can understand this… thing. I’m sorry, it’s a bit too much to me. But I trust you, and please, believe me when I say that pushing you to be your best, I felt like it was my duty as a parent,” she says slowly.

“My best? Yes, my best according to your opinions, so steadfast that you didn’t even stop for a while thinking if that was a right choice for me. Jesus, Luke was right, I should have listened to him when he said I was playing for my mental health, because I always had to be better, and this better was never enough for me. An unattainable goal!” is Alec’s harsh answer.

Then he takes a shaky breath and tries to cool down. Taking it out on Maryse is useless. It is what it is. Now he needs to think about what’s going on in his future.

“Mom, I’m sorry. I’m… a mess. This isn’t me, I can’t put myself together anymore.”

Maryse is unusually at a loss for words. It never happens, so she must have been touched by Alec’s speech. She’s fidgeting with her rings, and swallows.

“Mom, I know your intentions were good,” he says not unkindly “but I can’t stand all this anymore. I need to start building something different. I’m going to apologize profusely to Lydia, she deserves it, and she was already even too sympathetic, letting me go. And I’ll apologize to Magnus too, for dragging him into this drama.”

“Alec, are you sure? How this being… gay will negatively impact on your career? I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know already about how homophobic and unfriendly our world can be.”

Alec stands up and puts a hand on her arm. He doesn’t feel like hug her, but this is something he can do.

“I still have to tell you that I came out at work and, well, everyone was okay with that, they were all amazing… Don’t worry, mama. Everything is gonna be fine. I, we, have a long journey ahead of us but for the first time in my life I feel trustful, and unusually… calm, even if I don’t have anything under control, or maybe just because I don’t have anything under control and I don’t need to stay alerted, I can let the tide go.”

Suddenly Maryse hugs him and leans her head on his shoulder. If he’s startled, he doesn’t show though. Maryse is thinking that he’s tall. She doesn’t remember the last time she hugged him like that. He must have been a child, barely a teen. Much shorter, much less built. It’s a man she’s clinging to now, who deserves to make his own choices. She only hopes that the price he’s going to pay isn’t too much.

“Did you talk to this Magnus already?” she asks quietly.

“Not exactly. In the past we had some sort of talk trying to figure out how to manage our relationships with our families. I know his dad isn’t excited about us being together either, but Magnus says he can convince him if he’ll show to comply with dad’s main wish, that is Magnus taking the reins of the company and stopping his ‘debonair’ life,” he says, quoting.

Then he scoffs, almost tenderly. “I mean, Magnus says I’ll be the one who makes him settle down. Anyway, things happened, after, and we didn’t talk about this anymore, so I don’t know right now, but maybe Asmodeus won’t be an enemy to watch out for.”

He looks at her pointedly. “I hope you won’t either. I hope I can keep you in my life.”

Maryse pulls away from the hug. “Give me some time, Alec. Let me mourn this quiet existence I led so far, and let me be concerned about my nephew, and why not, about Lydia too. She’s always been a daughter-in-law I didn’t deserve, now I get it.”

She raises her gaze to look at him straight in the eye.

“And let me be concerned about you and Magnus. Are you sure about what you’re going to do?”

“We are, mom, we are. And I’m sure you’re going to try.”

His siblings come close to them. While Izzy cups Alec’s face tenderly, her eyes suspiciously brimming, Jace smiles, hitting Alec’s arm with a fist. “So, you’re in love, huh? I didn’t know I could like this new you so much!”

Alec smiles back. Why was he so scared before? They are his family, after all.

Chapter 24: Twenty-four

Summary:

Phew... so many things happened, Alec coming out, Lydia leaving, Alec's family supporting their brother and son, much more than he thought. Time passes by and brings some peace for our heroes, until a fateful day...

Notes:

I know that someone could expect another conversation between Magnus and Alec. But I think they already told each other what had to be told. They are aware of their feelings, they needed to wait until the dust settled. They fought and paid - are still paying - a price. But time and goodwill mend most wounds, though healing is not an uneven process and requires adjustment on its way.

Chapter Text

 

Three months later

When people use to say “a downhill road”, they actually don’t know how much easier to walk a downhill road might be. During the following weeks, Alec can’t understand why he’d waited so much for… well, everything: coming out, talking to Lydia and his family, make peace with Magnus. Things go smooth now, he’s enjoying a totally different freedom, and his mood has improved.

He's not so tight and stiff anymore, control slipping through his hands doesn’t make him feel terrified now. He’s going to therapy, of course, it’s not that an entire life withholding his true feelings could be blown away in a flash. And there’s also the big elephant in the room of his bottled-up sexuality to manage.

At least, now he understands that he can’t deny his needs, even the most trivial ones. He asked for a reduction of his working hours and has consented to hire a new surgeon – something he never agreed on before - so as he can enjoy those small pleasures that improve his life, like training with Jace, spending quality time with Max whenever it’s his turn to, reading some entertaining literature and of course, hanging around with Magnus. After all, they still have to properly know each other: their mutual attraction and its consequences didn’t leave much time and peacefulness to build a trustful relationship. They are trying now, together.

After those frantic days when Alec came out and Lydia left him, so many things happened. Alec and Lydia met on several occasions, they talked and debated, trying to mend their broken pieces, and since their mutual affection never failed, an equitable agreement wasn’t hard to get. Together with Lydia, they spoke with Max, explaining that things were going to change and maybe he would meet other people entering his parents’ life, but that mom and dad still were friends and loved him so much. Max stays at Lydia’s but Alec sees him at least twice a week, given his shifts, and every other weekend.

Lydia even wanted to meet Magnus, knowing that sooner or later he’s going to be part of her son’s life; they can’t say they are friends – their wounds are too raw still – but they appreciate and respect each other. On the other hand, Lydia too is seeing someone, even if not properly dating yet; maybe, with the right partner, she will find a new balance and go beyond their unlucky marriage. No, unlucky isn’t the right word, it’d be unfair for the loving years they spent together. It was an inappropriate marriage since it had been founded on wrong circumstances. But it’s over now, and with it gone are the bitterness and the doubts. Dwelling in the past looks useless; Alec learned that overthinking about what could be is going to prevent him from building new fond memories. So better let the past in the past.

Alec and Magnus have even faced Asmodeus together; it’s been a tense meeting, harsh words have been said, Alec and Asmodeus didn’t like each other, but for Magnus’ good they came to a truce: how long will it last, they don’t know.

Anyway, in order to appease his dad, but mostly to avoid complications and to ensure his and Alec’s safety, Magnus agreed to take the reins of the company. Digging into paperwork, he has slowly realized how shadowy Asmodeus’ business is; nothing properly illegal, but often borderline the law, sometimes moving abroad what can’t legally do at home.

On a positive note, Asmodeus is slowly going off the game; his health conditions are worsening, so much more power is falling back in Magnus’ hands. He doesn’t need that kind of power, though, so he’s cutting many ties, trying to make an honest business, even if that means less income. God knows they have enough money to survive a hundred lives, and Magnus wants to break free from these shackles as soon as he can. He’ll sell the company to focus on his career as a novelist, outstanding just now, since he doesn’t have enough time to think about it.

And there’s Alec too, to whom he wants to devote all himself: his relationship with him is quite new, so they both try to cut some time to spend together out of their busy lives. And who knows, maybe they could build a family of their own, someday. They still didn’t face the topic, it’s way too soon, but watching Alec interact with Max makes Magnus feel that being a dad would be cool. His father hasn’t been a great role model, and Magnus fears that he might not be a good parent, but Alec’s father wasn’t great either, yet Alec is a loving dad and Max clearly enjoys his time with him and trusts him. So Magnus is already figuring out himself as a stay-at-home dad, in a while. Hope stays.

His life is much quieter now, done with parties and ‘debonair’ life, like Alec used to say. Well, his is very busy, actually, but he can feel now he’s not wasting his time and realizes how empty and aimless his previous life was. Everything to fill the void in his soul: but he has Alec now, and he has true love.

They could finally enjoy some proper dates too, another incredible enhancement.

For their first one, Alec brought him to Montauk, to a picnic on the beach. After lunch, they took a nice trip to the lighthouse, kissing in front of the sunset. All very romantic, but what Magnus enjoyed most – being very proud of – was a finally carefree Alec holding hand with him while they were coming back home, unconcerned of people who could watch and judge him. The time of hiding was really over.

They still don’t live together though, and sex is out of the question so far. Alec asked him to wait until his divorce will be effective, and even if Magnus wonders why, since Alec and Lydia have already filed for it, he respects his wishes. He loves this man so much and he knows he’s his already, so it’s not such a big deal. He can wait. He suspects this is one last punishment Alec decided to bring upon himself, but it doesn’t matter. They have lunch and dinner together when they can, they spend evenings making out or watching TV or movies on the couch, but that’s all.

Nevertheless, a new life is blooming, no one can deny it.

 

Six months later

Alec stares at the thick envelope that Andrew put on his desk. Is it what he’s been waiting for a few weeks? It could be the last chapter of a story and the beginning of a new one. He shouldn’t be scared but he can’t help to be: who knows what can happen at the very last minute? But no, they talked and friendly agreed on everything, they even signed a stack of papers together.

At last, with a deep sigh, he takes it with trembling hands and opens it. And actually, here it is. Their divorce is effective, and Alec is a free man.

Now Alec stares at the papers that seal his freedom from the shackles of a marriage that had no more reason to exist. He puts them inside the envelope again and fishes his phone out, dialing Magnus’ number.

Magnus picks up after a couple of rings. “Hey, sweetheart,” he greets Alec.

Alec smiles in the phone. “Hey babe, how’s it going?”

“Fine… I mean, the usual mess, but fine. What do I owe the honor of your calling?”

“Are you free tonight?” Alec whispers, almost scared to say it out loud.

There’s silence on the other side of the phone. Then Magnus equally whispers.

“Did you get the papers?”

“Yes.”

“My place?”

“Your place. Order some takeout, I’ll be there at six. And Magnus… “

“Yeah…?”

Alec sighs, this time from excitement, giddiness bubbling in his gut.

“Nothing… see you at six, my love.”

My love. He’s allowed to say that!

“Okay…”

Alec closes the call. This is going to be the longest day of his entire life.

Chapter 25: Twenty-five

Summary:

Happily ever after...

Notes:

As promised, the last chapter. Finally, Malec get what they deserve, hopefully their forever.

CW: mild sexual content

Thank you for staying with me along this journey, thank you for your kind comments and kudos. See you on the other side - with another Malec story.

Chapter Text

 

It’s almost six and Magnus is crawling out of his skin. It’s done! Alec divorced and nothing stands between them anymore. They went through so much during the last year, yet time went by and they were lucky, all things considered. Alec’s therapy helped him so much to elaborate all his issues about his sexuality and his need of control and things are more serene now.

Lydia was exceptionally helpful, she and Alec could agree about almost everything, and Magnus has been pleasantly surprised; he thought she would fight against their relationship, but he might admit he misjudged her. On her specific request they met, and they became good acquaintances: she’s witty and nice, and now Magnus can understand why Alec loved her so much that he chose to marry her – he still loves her, but this doesn’t bother Magnus. He also met Max once, as daddy’s ‘friend’: something they still need to face, but there’s time for that, now.

This is going to be a fateful evening. Magnus doesn’t know what to expect, but he hopes for a further step in their relationship – he can’t help but hope, who might blame him? Sometimes he wonders how Alec could feel during his intimate life with Lydia. Magnus already knows that sex hasn’t played a big role in their life, he’s not jealous, and he wouldn’t have any right to be. Yet he can’t help but feeling sorry for Alec, who forced himself in a sexual intercourse with someone he wasn’t attracted to at all. Did Alec, consciously or unconsciously, fantasize about having anyone else in his bed? Or was he simply doing his duty, as usual, being sure that that was what he was supposed to?

Magnus scoffs, he needs to get rid of these treacherous thoughts. More than anything, he’s elated thinking he will be allowed to call Alec his partner in a while, his boyfriend, and maybe something more, when the time comes.

He chose a simple outfit for tonight. It’s not time for impress, but to welcome a man who is dear to him more than his own life. Food is already on the kitchen counter, ready to be warmed when they feel like having dinner. In the middle of his living room a table is ready, all cozy and nice candles included – a bit cliché, but then again, who cares? He wants this, they deserve some pampering, don’t they?

The bell rings and suddenly Magnus has his heart in his throat. He runs at the door, then he pulls himself together and opens it: and there’s a shaky Alec behind, his Alexander, a bouquet in a hand, a bottle of wine in the other. Magnus beams at him, a wide grin splitting his face. He’s so beautiful, even in his plain white slacks and light blue shirt, smiling, his eyes sparkling.

“Hey” Magnus whispers, unable to speak louder.

“Hey” Alec answers, and leans to kiss him, lingering on Magnus’ lips more than usual. Magnus hugs his neck, caressing him with tender fingers that after a while move onto Alec’s cheek, barely brushing it. It’s an almost timid touch, like Magnus is afraid to let himself be too intimate. Like Alec could dread this intimacy.

Alec’s hands are full, he can’t reciprocate, and his smile grows wider.

“Are we going to make up on the doorstep for your neighbors’ amusement?” he asks.

Magnus chuckles and steps back.

“Of course not. Mrs. Brown could think I’m not an honorable boy and that I’m not welcome here anymore! Those flowers, um, are they for me?”

Alec clears his throat. “Well, yes… unless you’re uncomfortable at getting flowers from a man. Honestly, I’ve never understood why men are not supposed to receive flowers from their partners, don’t you think so?”

“I’m totally okay with flowers, Alexander, I do like them very much and this bouquet, mmm – he smells it – is very nice indeed. Let me put it in a vase. And come on in!”

“I brought some wine too – Alec adds – I think we should… celebrate.”

Magnus stops in the middle of the living room, then turns around and says “I don’t know if a divorce should be celebrated, but I do want to celebrate that now I can call you mine.” He swallows. “Can I, right?”

Alec puts the wine on the table, then takes Magnus’ hands, still holding the bouquet, looking intensely at him. “Yes, you can. I already was yours before, I’ve been since when we met, but it’s fine now, we can plan our life together now.”

He kisses Magnus’ free palm.

“I’m sorry I made you wait to make this official, but I thought I owed this to Lydia, and to you, to show you my respect, to make you understand I’m serious and that you’re not a fling, nor an affair, but the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

The passion Magnus is seeing into Alec’s eyes tells him that Alec is sincere, honest and above all, willing to show the world they’re together: another big step, and Magnus is moved to the core.

“Wait” he whispers.

Silently, he takes a crystal vase and puts the flowers in it, placing it on the table he prepared.

Then he comes back and drags Alec on the couch, silent witness of so many evenings spent desperately making out, and kisses him with all he has. Not that Alec is complaining, though, he looks ever more eager than him. They kiss for a while, then Magnus backs off a little and stares at Alec. Without uttering a single word, he raises his hands to touch Alec’s arms, slowly moving up to his shoulders, his neck, then to the first button of his shirt.

“May I?” he asks, and he’s trembling. All his previous experience in sexual intercourse didn’t prepare him for this. It’s different, with Alec.

Alec swallows.

“Sure…” is the barely heard answer. Then Alec grabs Magnus’ wrist.

“Magnus, I… you know… um, I’ve never… “

There must be something in the air, Alec knows that a choice is approaching. It’s a choice he feels free to make now, yet he can’t tamper his anxiety… well, it’s more like fear. He’s never been with a man. His hope relies on Magnus’ knowledge, maybe he’ll help him through this totally new experience. Alec also realizes that he’s never been so close to another person, man or woman, and not necessarily in a sexual way.

Magnus puts a finger onto Alec’s lips.

“I know,” he whispers “don’t be afraid. I want you so much, but I’ll never force you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Just tell me what you’re ready for, and stop me when you feel to. After all, we have all the time we need, now.”

“I want you too – Alec replies, blushing violently – I want everything of you, just… I don’t know what to expect and what you expect from me. My experience in gay sex is bound to books or some… porn I watched. But I want to try, with you.”

“Very good. Now, please, let me touch you” Magnus begs, a small smile on his lips. He slowly unbuttons Alec’s shirt and what he discovers is more than he could dream, hard pecs and abs covered with the finest and softest hair he’s ever touched. Something he likes so much in men. Then he pulls the shirt off the slacks and suddenly Alec is exposed in all his glory. Brushing his skin, his arms, his shoulders, all those ripped muscles make Magnus feel like he has heaven at his fingertips. It’s not only incredibly pleasant, it’s like diving in light.

Meanwhile, Alec has his eyes shut, lost in a haze, overwhelmed by a flood of sensations he never experienced before. He feels his shirt disappear and he shudders, when Magnus’ hands brush his bare skin. Instinctively, he grabs those hands with his own and kisses their palms, closing Magnus’ fingers on the kiss to keep it inside. Then he smiles, opens his eyes, and tentatively reaches Magnus’ shirt.

“It’s my turn” he whispers. It’s like they don’t dare to speak louder, to not break the spell in which they’re drowning.

Magnus’ chest is hairless, so different from his, his skin golden, his nipples darker: the image of Lydia’s breasts flashes in Alec’s mind, and he suddenly realizes he’s always been embarrassed in front of her. The awkwardness he felt then has completely disappeared now: Alec thought he wasn’t interested enough in having sex, but now he understands that he needed the right partner for that. Now he's lost in the view of Magnus’ perfect chest, eager to touch whatever he can.

They kiss, wet, open-mouthed kisses that leave their lips swollen, and touch and brush their hot skin. In a fit of passion, Alec squeezes Magnus’ sides: it’s like to be sure he’s really there, that they’re really making out and on the verge of having sex. No, not having sex only… making love. It’s unbelievable.

“Ouch!” Magnus exclaims, but there’s no heat behind, and the light pain is so welcome. As a revenge, Magnus grabs Alec’s belt and starts to open it, followed by the pant zip. Then he stops and looks at Alec, who nods eagerly.

Suddenly, they can’t wait anymore, clothes are ripped and fly everywhere, and they’re naked… and then they stop, and look at each other like they’re admiring some astonishing, otherworldly piece of art.

“You’re so gorgeous…” Alec whispers.

“You’re not that bad either,” Magnus answers pretending to be lighthearted. But he’s emotional, and his smile falters, while a tear starts running down his cheek.

“Oh, dear…,” he says, “my love!” and hugs Alec, holding him tight.

“Hey,” Alec replies, “why are you crying? Happy tears, I hope”. He kisses Magnus’ hair, then lets his head drop on Magnus’ shoulder, smelling his perfume in the crook of his neck.

“I can’t believe we’re here, together,” is the muffled answer.

Alec takes Magnus’ face between his hands. “We’re here, for real, it’s all true, and we’re free to be in love, to love each other.” He pecks Magnus’ lips. “At least, until you’ll have me, with my baggage and my issues…”

“Forever,” is Magnus’ answer, “I’ll have you forever!”

Then he starts to push Alec towards his bedroom. Alec has never been there. They always spent their time together in the living room, or on the couch, never in bed: it’s a sanctuary they accordingly kept for their first time. That means now. There’s no time to have a look around, though, because Magnus is pushing Alec on his bed – a quite large bed, the only thing Alec is able to register, before losing his mind under Magnus’ ministrations he blindly tries to return, so eager to learn and be better at that.

Magnus’ hands are on Alec’s hips, and oh, does Alec have a tattoo there? He didn’t seem like a tattoo-guy.

“Alexander, what’s this?” Magnus asks. He comes closer to check the drawing and it’s a lotus flower.

Alec smiles timidly. “It’s, well, a gift… - he says, his words brimming with love - to myself, and to you, I couldn’t wait for you to find out. It means rebirth and this is what you mean to me, what you brought into my life.”

Magnus is speechless. He wants to tell Alec he was the lucky guy instead, for Alec gave him a new, valid reason to live. He can’t utter a single word, though, the tears running on his cheeks the most meaningful answer.

Overwhelmed by his feelings, Magnus tops Alec, hands and mouth trailing touches and kisses down his body, and when suddenly Magnus swallows his cock, Alec cries out. Magnus holds him and nips and licks and sucks, and Alec is writhing under him, without being aware of himself, all his focus on the heat coming from his crotch and pooling in his gut. Magnus starts stroking him gently, then more frantic, and moves his mouth again up the blessed path along Alec’s abdomen and chest, until he reaches his ear.

“Fuck me…” he whispers, licking his earlobe.

And Alec tries to hold the reins, swallowing, but he could come here and now, on the edge just at hearing those words. Also, because Magnus has retrieved a bottle of lube out of the drawer and is putting up a show slowly fingering himself.

“Wait! Let me”. Alec licks his lips, and his hands reach for Magnus’ cock, trying to return the favor, though Magnus is already rock hard. He’s a bit clumsy, but at the double stimulation, Magnus throws his head back and whines. Alec stares at him, panting, knowing that this image will be seared into his brain forever, a perfect moment frozen in time.

Magnus works quickly on himself, then looks at Alec.

“I’m ready…” he says, and lies down, bringing Alec down with him and covering his body. Then he spreads his legs and gently takes Alec’s cock, adding some lube and lining it to his hole.

Standing on his elbows, Alec is gaping and blushes. “I… I don’t…”

“Shhh… “ Magnus shushes him and makes the tip touch his rim. “I’ll lower myself, helping you, you push,” he encourages Alec, “slowly and steady, don’t worry, I’ll tell you if it hurts.”

And Alec pushes, slowly and steady, and the world disappears in a blur of colors.

__

Later, they lie together on the bed, the duvet on their naked, satisfied bodies, fingers intertwined. Magnus still can’t believe they can have this, that Alec is his now. Alec is blissful, apparently lost in his thoughts while he absentmindedly rubs his thumb on Magnus’ hand.

“I love you,” he says, “I haven’t enough words to tell you how I’m feeling now. I’ve never had anything like this.” He turns to look at Magnus and there are tears streaming down his face. “I want this. I need this. I need you, body and soul. I’m addicted to you.”

He laughs quietly. “Looks like it’s my turn for crying.”

Magnus cards his hand in Alec’s soft hair. “I’ve always loved your hair”. His fingers gently brush Alec’s temple, then go down to wipe his tears, grazing his upper lip with his thumb.

“Don’t cry, my love. I’m yours, Alexander.”

Alec closes his eyes, in a burst of emotion.

“And I’m yours,” he whispers. “With you, I’m myself. Before you I had nothing, I was nothing, now I get it. I was sleeping, deep in a dream that now looks like a nightmare I couldn't get rid of. I was wandering alone in the dark, and you were the light guiding me out of it. To this new reality, our reality."

“Move in with me!” Magnus drops, sounding earnest.

Alec doesn’t answer at once, he’s staring at him, and Magnus fears he’s gone too far.

“Sorry, I… I know it’s rushed, you don’t have to feel forced to…”

“Magnus!”

“Yes…?”

“I’ll be happy to move in with you. And… I know it’s not the right time or place but… I want to marry you, if you’re okay with it, just…” he sits on the bed leaning onto the headboard. “I want to show the world that we belong to each other, I want to share my life with you. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow or the next month or even the next year, but I do hope I can call you my husband, one day.”

Magnus’ smile grows wide. He takes Alec’s hand in his, kisses it and recites:

I thought I was wandering alone… instead, in my basket full of unsaid words I’m finding suns and moons, oceans and colors of light”.

It’s a yes. It’s a promise.

 

Notes:

I don't mind criticism, I need it to be better. Constructive criticism, though, interesting discussions about such a delicate topic. I'm not used to erase mean comments because they speak loud about those who comment, but I'll answer to each one, if any.