The night was still young, especially for a Saturday Night.
It shouldn’t have surprised Yoongi that his proclaimed boyfriend would want to meet him, even for only ten minutes, for a drive around the neighborhood, because gosh, Yoongi-yah, it’s been almost a full week and I missed you so damn bad. And looking at the scattered papers all over his bed, Yoongi decided that it wouldn’t hurt to spare an hour break from this project he was working on to see Hoseok.
He could use some mood booster anyway, that’s what he had in mind when he agreed to come out of the confinement of the dorm—dressed in his usual baggy clothing, really unattractive slippers on his feet, and tufts of hair jutting out here and there. He’s the definition of a mess, compared to how dazzling Hoseok looked leaning against his silver Volkswagen with the smile Yoongi realized he didn’t realize he had missed so much. He wished he had dressed up properly.
Only later the thought soon diminished without any trace, knowing that Hoseok most-probably preferred him without any clothing at all. As he found his hoodie discarded on the floor of the car and his sweatpants hanging uselessly on a leg, and he was seated on top of Hoseok’s lap, panting and arching away from the cold fingers touching his bare back.
“Hoseok… goddammit, I told you… have… Deadline-ah! Shit—“
His complain got interrupted by a surprised moan as Hoseok started to thrust up into him in a relentless pace, quick and short rolls of hips that had him clutching onto the male’s hair because of how his spot got hit over and over again and he could feel a nearly frustrated scream forcing to rip its way out his throat.
That ass, Jung Hoseok, only laughed breathlessly as he sucked more marks into the pale skin of Yoongi’s throat. The grip on Yoongi’s hips got tighter and Yoongi barely registered that Hoseok must be close already. But he hadn’t realized how close he himself was until Hoseok changed the position so he was lying down on the leather seat of the car and he was being pounded into so roughly that he was losing his breath.
“You’re so good, Yoongi. So hot,” Hoseok whispered hotly into his ear. “Clench up. Come for me.”
And Yoongi did, arching up and coming into Hoseok’s hand that’s wrapped around his dick. Moans swallowed by Hoseok’s mouth pressed so hard onto his own that his head bumped against the side of the car as Hoseok’s thrust got erratic, and then he felt the familiar warmth filling him. No condom. Just great.
He couldn’t remember how they got into this. But damn was it good.
Hoseok always had his way to have him worked up so quickly and changed his mind in a blink of eyes and Yoongi knew he’d regret it. It came a little too soon. As soon as the sweet nothings and kisses Hoseok gave him had stopped lingering on his skin and he was walking back into his dorm, not bothering to watch the car go or even asking where the hell Hoseok was going after that.
He felt it as he collapsed into the mess that was his bed. The papers crumpled under his weight but he couldn’t care less as he was trying to not feel the pain shooting up from his lower back all the way to some spots on his neck where Hoseok had left the bite marks.
The meeting must have ended up become too long; despite it only consisted of making out and sex. Because his roommate was already in the room, and as far as he could remember with the hazy state of his mind, Jin hyung never came back to the dorm before 11 on Saturday Nights.
“Hoseok got you rough?”
Is he a mind reader or what? Yoongi thought, grunting his affirmation.
“Thought you’d want to not be that spent. The deadline is tomorrow, right? Good luck.”
“Don’t remind me, oh god,”
Seokjin only laughed at the fail attempt of Yoongi throwing the crumpled papers his way. And then the room went silent for a moment—thanks Christ—once Seokjin disappeared to take shower.
Yoongi almost dozed off right there, with the exhaustion taking over his body and lulling him to sleep, if only it was not for the persistent ache throbbing on his back. He whined when Seokjin came back and shook him awake, reminding him of the deadline tomorrow and he almost socked the hyung in his pretty the face if only it was not for the worried look Seokjin had on his face as he bent down over him.
“Hey, Yoongi. You wouldn’t die on me, right?”
Yoongi snorted and swatted the elder away. “Hyung. Give me some painkillers. Please. I’m going to die if I don’t finish this shit and I can’t do it with a sore ass.”
And then he had to move again before he fell asleep for real, trying not to whine again and made a child of himself, and got his laptop back, peering at how he still had a long way to go before he could finish the project he had procrastinated upon for the last few weeks. Look where it got him now.
Seokjin chucked a strip of pills towards him a moment later.
“You should have known better and maybe control your hormones.”
Yoongi would have yelled at him if he wasn’t downing the pill and swallowed it dry despite the bitter taste. He shook his head and tried to not get too defensive over this.
Seokjin knew what’s going on anyway.
“It’s Hoseok, you know. I can never push him away.”
“Yoongi. This can’t go on forever, dude. Listen to me, even Namjoon thinks that it is unhealthy. What are you even expecting from this relationship?”
A sigh and a stubborn shake of his head were what he managed to do as a reaction. It’s not all that hard for his attention was already stolen by the assignment begging to be finished. Seokjin was still standing next to his bed, obviously demanding for an answer.
After a moment or two of another silence, Yoongi felt a comforting pat on his hair and a thick coat draped over his shoulder as he was focusing into the screen already, after not paying attention to the disapproving look Seokjin had in his face. He’s not having this conversation again.
Not when he did not know how to answer the question. Not even after Seokjin had brought it up for millions of times already. He simply wouldn’t bring himself to answer it with the truth that he had learned for a while already.
“Seems like someone got a birthday sex.”
Hoseok’s hand automatically flew to his hair, noticing Jimin staring at it as he walked into the place. Sure, his hair was messed up—Yoongi’s habit that he had memorized ever since they had sex was that Yoongi always pulled on his hair and god did he like it. “And clothes. And you practically reek of sex, even from meters away.”
“Shut up, Jimin,” Hoseok sighed, coming into a conclusion that the baby-faced male was only guessing around at first, and he always fell for it. “And it’s not birthday sex.” What an overstatement.
“I meant it. Like. I don’t think he even remembered my birthday,” he spared a glance to the red blinking light of the digital clock. It’s almost midnight already, noting the last few minutes of his birthday, and his phone was still silent as hell.
Not that it mattered much, for Yoongi didn’t even say anything when they met face-to-face. He definitely forgot and that was it.
“Dude, seriously?” Jungkook chimed in; for once lifting his head from the focus of the game he was playing with Taehyung.
It’s a wonder how his apartment room could be a base camp for these kids every time they felt like it. It was wrong for him to tell Jimin where he hid the spare key at the first place. But for now, he figured that he could use the company.
“Wait, it’s Yoongi hyung we’re talking about.” He’s still going with it. The kid’s sharp sometimes, but Hoseok wished that he wouldn’t be at this very time.
He knew for sure how Yoongi was. The straight A student who remembers everything like, basically, everything. During their high school days, they used to spend more time together, all seven of them, including Namjoon who Hoseok never heard about anymore ever since college; and Yoongi was the one who remembered all the dates and occasions and even though they were never any cheesy events, Hoseok could still remember the texts and especially, the small notes Yoongi left him on the door of his locker, or his seat, or the inside of his pencil case, even before they started dating.
The small post-it note with Yoongi’s signature handwriting scrawled over it. Happy birthday, loser. Eat lots.
And once, last year;
Happy birthday, my loser. Let’s skip. Spend the day with me.
He’d been so damn happy.
It’s kind of funny now, after only a few months, things had changed so significantly that he hadn’t got any texts about it. His kakaotalk messages had only been seenzoned and now that he thought about it again, Yoongi was not all focused on him even when they had some talks before he started kissing the male and it’s all just heat and skin.
It’s always been only heat and skin that reminded him that Yoongi’s still his. The wants in Yoongi’s eyes when he fucked the elder into the mattress. It was the single thread that was hanging their relationship afloat.
“He got deadline project due tomorrow, I guess. Law study kills.”
Hoseok noticed that Jimin sent a glare to the youngest who quickly pressed his lips together and sunk back into his seat, snatching the ipad back from Taehyung who was still occupied with the game. At least they weren’t on in the topic anymore. There’s only so much doubt Hoseok could have in his head before he went crazy. As if his own thoughts hadn’t killed him enough.
“You know what hyung,” Taehyung started. Oh god, not him too. “I thought that you two weren’t even dating anymore.”
“Tae!” Jimin hissed.
Despite the statement that sent a wave of sickness in his gut, Hoseok couldn’t help the fondness he felt towards Jimin, who’s desperately trying to cut the topic off. He spread his lips into a smile, something that he found easy to do since like forever, and joined Jimin on the couch, attacking him with a hug.
“My birthday meal, please! Order some pizza!”
“Did someone say pizza?” Taehyung was snapped off his serious state at once, and that had been the real purpose. Too easy.
“I’m in as long as we can have movies too.” Jungkook simply said.
“No, Taehyung. Not bloody Lion King again.”
In a blink of eyes, the gloomy topic had been forgotten and Hoseok could finally push the thought about Yoongi to the very back of his head. At least it was only the soft prickling sensation inside his chest left for the rest of the night. Maybe until the kids have to go back to their own places.
But at least for now, he just had to not think about it anymore.
It only came back a little later at night, once Taehyung and Jungkook had gone back to their own homes and he had forced Jimin to stay, keeping him in the too-vacant bed and let the shorter boy pat him on the back as he murmured his words of disappointment and devastation.
“It does feel like we are not dating anymore. Taehyung’s right.”
Jimin did not say anything at first, but Hoseok knew that the friend felt for him. He saw the crease in between Jimin’s eyebrows and how the stroke on his back faltered as he sucked in a sharp breath, something akin to a sob and he really didn’t want to cry. He’s not supposed to be this weak.
It’s only when Jimin spoke out again that he felt his chest tighten even more and tears really coming out.
“Hyung, are you still in love with him?”
Once upon a time, he would answer with a ‘yes!’ without hesitation, a dreamy smile on his face and elation in his chest because yes, he was. He had been so fucking in love with Min Yoongi.
And it hurt him now that he could not even bring himself to answer that question anymore. Jimin’s knowing look didn’t even help as he broke into tears.
“The thing is… I need him, Jimin-ah. That’s all I know.”
He’s not supposed to be this weak.
The following weeks didn’t get any better.
Sure, he had finished his assignments and it was a kind of calm week before the storm of finals coming. But it was something else that bothered him.
Seokjin was constantly bugging him about Hoseok, every time he got home and spot Yoongi slumped on the bed, reeking of sex and papers. He even brought Namjoon, the super-busy Namjoon, to come and check on his condition with the mask of a hang out party.
As if it couldn’t get worse, Hoseok hadn’t been so supportive either.
Hoseok just kept being Hoseok, the seductive, smoking hot boyfriend of his. But he also noticed the sunshine disappeared from his steps and that the male had been pretty edgy ever since he forgot his last birthday.
(Yoongi had ran towards his flat at the morning, after staying up all night and submitting his assignment twenty minutes before the deadline at 6AM and he just saw the date of the deadline. February 19th, and he cursed all the way from when he’s stumbling out of his bed until he reached the male’s flat, blocks away from his dorm. As many times as Hoseok said ‘it’s okay, Yoongi-yah, at least you remember now’ and ‘it’s okay, really’ with a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He had been unable to shake the coldness when he entered the apartment and how he felt the reluctance in Hoseok’s hand as he led him inside, also Jimin’s hostile stare that he dimly caught coming from the direction of Hoseok’s bedroom.
He had made an excuse of having another assignment to finish and gave a kiss on Hoseok’s lips—a kiss that didn’t get returned and which Yoongi shook off with an excuse that Hoseok was still too sleepy to respond—before he left.
He ran away.)
And that’s when everything started to feel like going downhill for Yoongi.
The routines of small kisses and greetings between classes were still there. And most importantly, Hoseok was still there. The smiling Hoseok as he waited for Yoongi in front of his class to spend time together before Yoongi have to go for his part time job. The last one time, before he had to practice every noon for his upcoming dance competition.
He noticed that they’d been fighting a lot, too.
Not exactly ‘a lot’, honestly, for they did not meet that much anymore. With how packed their schedules were and after a few times of exchanging snappy remarks and rough kisses per meetings, Yoongi had stopped making efforts.
Had he ever made efforts? He also wondered about that, knowing that Hoseok was the one who initiated most of their small meetings between their busy lives and he’s always the one who bothered to text first and all those things that made them feel like boyfriends. Including the emotional fights that Yoongi always ended with a rude remark that he never meant.
But Hoseok always found his way back to him.
When he actually tried to act like it, though. It must be so not like himself that Hoseok stared at him wide-eyed, stopped track in the middle of his dance choreography as he spotted Yoongi from the wide mirror he was dancing before and had Jimin bumping on him.
“What brought you here?” Hoseok looked like Christmas came early when he jogged towards the doorway where Yoongi stood still at. “I didn’t know you’d be interested in watching.”
He always did. Back then during high school. He did.
“I… actually, well, it’s been long since we met face to face and all and it feels… uh, wrong. So I—“he must have been fidgeting a lot and god only knows how he looked there as he tried to hide his embarrassment.
Because there was a look of alarm crossing Hoseok’s eyes and the next thing he knew was that he’s pushed into another room and Hoseok was over him, hands pressed on the mirror on either sides of him. His head was hung low, so Yoongi couldn’t get a look of his expression, especially with how dark the room was.
But then Hoseok started to kiss him and his hands were all over him and it was the same pattern he’d always given in to. The pattern for when Hoseok wanted him to succumb into the heat and the arousal and they would end up not talking. Just the heat and skin.
It’s only when Yoongi had managed to collect enough self-resistance to not melt into the kiss and pushed Hoseok away that he saw the male’s expression. He had accidentally smacked Hoseok in the head and there was a look of wild anger mixed with pain, and fear, as Yoongi looked into his eyes.
He only registered the fact that his hands got caught by the pair of strong arms as Hoseok gave him a sharp bite on his neck, marking him while holding him still against the cold glass of the mirror. He had tried to give another punch only to have a bruising grip tighten on his wrist and he had cried out at the next bite. Head throbbing with the pain and pure irritation that his mind told him to ignore the small hitch of breath Hoseok had before he spoke out right into his ear.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare telling me that shit.”
“What the fuck are you even talking about?!” he shouted, helplessly clueless.
“You’re not breaking up with me. Don’t leave me just because you want it!” Hoseok shouted back. He didn’t flinch this time.
It silenced Yoongi up for a beat.
Hoseok looked so worn out, his breathing was picking up, almost like he was going to break and snap again at Yoongi. But the next words came out so soft, almost too desperate.
“I need you, Yoongi-yah.”
If only he hadn’t been so blinded by the unwanted sense of helplessness and the anger he had for Hoseok, he’d have caught the pure fear and the way Hoseok’s eyes looked suspiciously wet as he was finally able to shove the latter away.
“You’re an idiot and I’ve been more of an idiot now that I hadn’t been thinking about it until you mentioned it just now.”
His words were dripping cold. He had the tendency to hurt people and not realizing it until he’s away and it’s too late to turn back. And it also happened now, as he walked past his boyfriend and ignored the gasp of his name as he stormed to go out; ignoring the look of suspicion he got from the younger friends of Hoseok’s.
After that it was only a series of messages from Hoseok on kakao until Yoongi had to block the male’s number from his phone. He didn’t go to campus that much anymore at that time for it was almost exam week and he’s stuck in the shitty diner he’s working at, or just at the dorm, browsing through the modules—or mostly just get his mind off the problem of his love life. Hoseok must have known better not to come to his dorm as well. Smart kid.
But something’s bound to happen. It ought to break at some point.
He was planning to spend the rest of the weekend in his room until he got to leave for the first exam on the following Monday. And it went like that, if only it wasn’t for a last minute call from Namjoon on Sunday night. Namjoon did not call a lot, so this was a rare occasion.
Obviously, Namjoon also had an exam on the following day and the fact that the guy was calling him over to meet him was somewhere in the middle of worrying or suspicious. But Yoongi had to go for the first option and he had actually been worried for his friend until he got there and regretted his decision right at the first second he stepped into the café.
Namjoon, that bastard, was sitting with Hoseok behind the long table of the counter. He could’ve easily crept away since they hadn’t noticed him, but he caught his name and he stayed frozen there like an idiot. Not even concealed. But those two didn’t seem to notice him.
“The problem is Yoongi,” oh, of course even his own boyfriend would call him a problem. “I… I only use sex on him all the time because that’s the only way of keeping him with me? I feel like I’m losing him by every passing day, ever since we entered college.”
“He despised it, y’know? He said it’s just sex and you aren’t exactly asking him if he wants it too, each time.”
“I know, okay?” Hoseok snapped. Yoongi never heard the agitation quite as clear as the one he got from Hoseok’s tone.
And then there was silence. Yoongi was so ready to spin around to leave before either of them could notice him. But his feet were nailed there and he knew what was to come wouldn’t please him all that much. But he stayed. He stayed until Hoseok spoke up again.
“We started off with sex and no feelings after all. Yoongi had stated it clearly that he was not capable of loving and I thought I could change that, but you see. It’s all sex. That’s how it’s always been. I don’t think I can keep this any longer.”
Namjoon exhaled, a hand running through his silver locks. “You two are so messed up, you know? To the point that you need me here while you break it up with him.”
Break up. So that’s what this was about.
Yoongi had seen that coming. Really. He just didn’t think that he’d have to face it this soon, and while he was still unprepared. He ignored the clench in his chest as anger. Hoseok couldn’t be so much of a coward to have Namjoon over while they break things up. And the fact that Hoseok had been thinking so lowly of him; being so certain that he only wanted sex out of this relationship while Yoongi himself had no clue what he had expected when he agreed to go out with the latter.
The fury washed over him in a wave of nauseating swirl in his abdomen. It really came from nowhere that it caught him off guard, sight almost blackened out with the emotions as he marched forward instead of spinning around to leave like he had planned to.
His head was completely blank when he slammed a palm on top of the table and successfully gained both of their attention on him, and the look of horror in Hoseok’s face would be funny if only he was in the mood of playing around. But he didn’t, and he didn’t even know that he’s struggling to speak in between puffs of breaths.
“If only you had talked with your mouth and not your dick all the time, we could have sorted everything out much earlier, Jung Hoseok.”
“Yoongi—“ Really, Yoongi had given a second or two for Hoseok to speak. He might have done that. But Hoseok stopped right there, not knowing what to say, and that was the last strike.
“I wouldn’t have to waste my time for you and I wouldn’t have to struggle with the pain all those nights you got me into it and never once cared that I have extra shifts early in the morning and an assignment to finish, and that I have to keep the scholarship because I’m not a rich ass like you who could date all the time and still be able to live your life in Seoul and eat three meals a day. I wouldn’t have to feel like shit under the judging look of your friends and I wouldn’t have to stick with you for so long because I am sick of it. You were the one who insisted to keep it! I gave you everything! And now, you--!”
He barely registered the fact that his voice raised for every sentence he spat out, and the hurting look in Hoseok’s face thickened with each, it almost felt like a punch in the gut for him. But he felt like crying and god was he shaking? He hoped he wasn’t crying for real, or just giving in to the urge and beat the hell out of Hoseok.
And he opted for the latter. He was the one who sent the first punch. It’s not Hoseok’s fault that he retaliated, that everything became a mess of angry cries and knuckles against skin. The floor was cold against Yoongi’s back.
Realization crossed Hoseok’s face first at the pained groan that escaped his lips, and that he was obviously at the upperhand with the state Yoongi was in already, but Yoongi had none of that. It just gave him a chance to flip them and from there he’s sure he was about to do a real damage to Hoseok’s face, blinded by white anger and frustration and everything mixed into one.
Probably almost there, if it’s not for the staffs kicking them out of the place and Namjoon eventually got up and dragged him away. He wasn’t sure if Namjoon had said any other word to the still stunned Hoseok before he dragged Yoongi to his car and send him back to the dorm.
They were silent during the drive home and Yoongi was thankful that Namjoon didn’t say anything. That’s how Namjoon is. He’s also grateful that the anger had receded by the time he slammed the door of his dorm close and startled Seokjin from his seating on the bed.
He explained nothing to Seokjin who was ready to freak out at the terrible sight he must be in. But he must have looked so miserable that Seokjin didn’t even have the heart to push it. He explained nothing to the unspoken question hanging in the tip of elder’s tongue.
All he did was tucking himself into the bed and with the blanket pulled over his head, he fiddled with his phone, unblocking Hoseok’s contact from his phone and ignored all the earlier messages on the chatbox when he sent in his messages before he could do any more thinking.
We need a break.
Let’s not see each other anymore.
His eyes felt hot and burned with the foreign wetness taking over and he really did not want to cry, he really didn’t want Seokjin to hear the stifled sob that accidentally escaped from his lips and he really hated himself by then.
For being hurt over his own decision, for secretly having hope over what they called a dysfunctional relationship and for the small thought he had about not letting go of it. He had wished that it would work out somehow.
But then they both knew that it wasn’t possible.
He had typed another message and stared at the screen for a minute or two, watching the ‘1’s disappeared from the chat bubbles and then another white bubble popped up before he could even blink.
You didn’t even reply my messages, how am I going to talk to you?
And then another one three minutes later.
Is this really the end, Yoongi-yah?
He didn’t reply to the texts.
The next morning, he woke up with the bruises in his face treated and the cuts in his skin covered in plasters. Seokjin’s bed already made and the owner had disappeared long ago.
But the tight feeling came back again to his chest as soon as he saw the message bubbles from the night before. Yoongi ended up erasing the last chat he didn’t send.
His I’m sorry.
Exam weeks rolling in so fast and out just as fast. It was hectic, and Yoongi was glad that it was, because he could only think about the exams at this point and it busied him to the hell and back until he couldn’t think about anything else. Not the clench in his chest every time he caught a sight of the familiar dark haired male on the corridor, or the unsettling calmness of his phone without any late night call or texts from Hoseok.
Thankfully, the bruises and cuts faded within the week, leaving him none of the memories from the night every time he gazed at himself in the mirror.
“I can’t believe that you can still be so toxic for Hoseok hyung even after you two broke up.”
Yoongi had known that the Park Jimin kid must have hated him, but he never expected the short kid to have the guts to actually confront him about it.
It was the last day of the exam and Yoongi was actually feeling good for once, eating ice cream by himself because he had just realized that he had no friends from this place except from his roommate and Hoseok. He had been so dependent to Hoseok for his social needs.
The fact that Jimin had purposely came from his own school just to insult him about it should be worrying.
“Nice to see you too, Jiminnie.”
“He’s a mess, you should know. Would be failing his classes if it’s not for me.” He just kept going with it that it’s started to get on Yoongi’s nerves.
“Dang. You should’ve dragged him to your college at the first place. If you cared so much.”
“Planned to. But Hoseok changed his mind last minute because you got the damned scholarship here and see where it got him?”
Yoongi sighed. He really not one to mess about when it came to guilt-tripping. He hated it with his whole heart and now the kid he used to like a lot as a brother in high school was doing it to him and he couldn’t just smack the ice cream into Jimin’s face.
“What do you want me to do? Throw myself off a cliff and see if that will make things better?” Jimin didn’t have any comeback for this. Yoongi didn’t need him to. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“What else? Waiting for Hoseok.” Oh shit. “Here he is.”
It’s too late for Yoongi to scramble to his feet and disappear from the place when he caught where Jimin was looking at and there was Hoseok. Hoseok who’s casually strolling into the place, looking as dazzling as ever and Yoongi hated himself for thinking that way. Jimin’s obviously lying about Hoseok being a mess to begin with.
There was a hint of surprise and a falter on his step when Hoseok spotted him. Yoongi tried to act all nonchalant and lick on his ice cream—the mint chocolate chip that tasted more like stale toothpaste now that his senses started to be filled with bitterness.
“Yo, Jimin,” he said once he got there. A smile gracing his lips, and Yoongi almost couldn’t believe it when Hoseok directed it to him on the next second. “Yoongi.”
Yoongi opened his mouth to answer and Hoseok’s brows creased as there’s no voice coming out. Jimin interrupted it by reminding that the movie they’re going to watch was going to start in fifteen minutes and Yoongi drifted his gaze away when Hoseok got dragged by the eager Jimin—eager to get his Hoseok hyung away from his ‘toxic’ ex, obviously.
Honestly, Hoseok never acted like they were enemies and all, unlike how exes were supposed to be. The small smile kept appearing on his lips when they happened to cross-way at the corridors and sometimes he even stopped to ask how Yoongi was. He had it easy. Jimin must be in this guilt tripping scheme of his when he said that Hoseok was a mess because Hoseok smiling and talking to him like that was the only thing that drive Yoongi into madness.
There’s a reason why he said that they shouldn’t meet anymore. At least for a while.
Hoseok never understood how it hurt when Yoongi saw him, and heard his voice, and watched him being all happy, and he could not reach out to him because Hoseok was not his anymore.
That’s why he was grateful when the holiday came along. The dorm was going to close in a week and Seokjin’s going home, so did the other students who lived in the dorm. But Yoongi had no other place to go in Seoul. He had stayed in Hoseok’s flat last semester and with how things were lately, he’d just end up sending his ass back to his hometown.
It’s settled, then.
On the last day of his stay at the dorm, Seokjin suddenly brought him—or more like dragged him—to this party Namjoon was having in his place. Despite Yoongi’s complain that he’s going to miss the last bus to daegu and that he didn’t like Namjoon’s friends from his new school, he finally gave in at the mention of nice drinks and this autographed CD Namjoon had promised him.
“Besides, you gotta relax a little after all those exams. It’s holiday, after all!” Jin had encouraged him with a smack on the back which he hissed at.
He should’ve known better that he wouldn’t like it there. Mistake number one.
Normal Namjoon is dependable, but Yoongi had forgotten that a tipsy Namjoon was someone he didn’t want to deal with. And that’s proven from the moment he entered the place, scrunching his nose at the stench of sweat and alcohol and the amount of people occupying the bar.
“Man. What are you doing here looking like you’re trapped in some cow’s shred or something,” that’s the first thing Namjoon said once the silver haired man spotted him amidst the new crowd.
“That’s what I’ve been thinking summed into a sentence, thank you.”
“Loser,” Namjoon snorted. “Man up and get yourself laid or something.”
He had a glass of suspiciously bright colored drink shoved into his hand and Namjoon was gone again.
Seokjin was not anywhere close to him either, aside from when he kept giving Yoongi more and more drinks and that annoyed the hell out of the male that he kept on downing the drink. And that was another big mistake.
He was vaguely aware that his focus was slowly slipping away and he swayed a little on his feet when he saw the familiar dark haired male across the room. He bumped into Jungkook and Taehyung when he made his way over.
“Oh, hyung! I thought you wouldn’t be coming!” That’s Taehyung shouting over the music.
“Shit. I told Hobi hyung that…” Jungkook’s words was cut as Yoongi shoved him away, mildly aware what the kid was about to say. Man up, Namjoon had said. And this was what he’s going to do. Following his ‘man up’ instinct and shit.
He failed to register the fact that he was approaching Hoseok.
But nothing could get any more terrible than what had already happened, right?
He only got the answer on the next morning as he woke up with a throbbing headache and an urge to throw up. But Yoongi never threw up when he’s drunk. Maybe hangover, and that’s what he’s having. The throbbing only got worse as he sat up and rubbed his forehead, taking in how wrecked he feel despite the comfortable blanket pooling around his waist. His bare waist.
And it just occurred to him that he was in the exact same situation as he had been for so many times in the past.
Thoroughly fucked. Naked. With Hoseok snoring softly next to him.
Like hell things couldn’t get any more terrible.
He had tried his hardest to be quiet and as unsuspecting as possible when he scrambled out of the bed, hissing at the pain shooting up from his lower back, and dressed up in the way to the bathroom. He locked himself in, sitting on the cold, dry tile of the shower box as he dialed a number.
He got knocked off by alcohol, missed his bus, woke up with a terrible hangover—not to mention, in Hoseok’s bed, and it’s all happened only because of Kim Seokjin.
“Calm down a bit, Yoongi. I didn’t know that you were drunk as bloody fucking flying-whatchasaid, and honestly, I was also confused on why you were with Hoseok again but eh, I figured that it was none of my business. Which is pretty weird since I don’t think I’d be that happy seeing you get all sexy with Hoseok again that soon after all that. Wow, what was that drink?”
Yoongi groaned at that. “You were fucking drunk as well, hyung. But seriously, I don’t even know how I got here at the first place. Looks like I just got fucked, though.”
“Spare me the details. And I don’t know, okay? I went away from that restroom where you and Hoseok were making out at the moment he got his hand in your pants and I heard you whining something like ‘finger me, come on, finger m—“
He cut the narration with a horrified scream and totally hung up on the hyung a second after.
He’s so fucked up.
And even more later on after he had planned his whole ‘sneaking out of the flat without waking Hoseok’-plan during showering and got himself caught when he stopped on the kitchen for a drink. He had felt the familiar warmth first behind him before a pair of lips was pressed onto the base of his nape and his breath caught in his throat.
Yoongi froze midway and Hoseok didn’t say anything either for a while. Must be fighting the clinging drowsiness. But there’s no way Yoongi could escape freely now. He had to face the latter.
“Heard that you’re going home for the semester break,” Hoseok said, as casually as he’d always been, with his lips still brushing over his skin. “You can just stay here again, you know.”
“No,” Yoongi spat out, faster and snappier than he wished he had.
He got into his senses again at that and he tried to ignore the hurt and confused look he could trace in Hoseok’s eyes as he turned around and pushed Hoseok away by his chest.
This couldn’t be happening. He shouldn’t be plunging himself into the mess he had just escaped from. Especially not dragging Jung Hoseok back with him.
“No, Hoseok,” he repeated. “I don’t know what had happened last night but we absolutely won’t go back to how we were before within just a night, or one session of steamy sex.”
Hoseok had woken up thinking that everything would be back in place. That the thing before the exams was only caused because of the stress they both had been letting into their system and relationship, and that the previous night where Yoongi came to him was a step to restore the things.
He had believed in that hopeful thought, until the remark came from Yoongi’s mouth, now all sober and awake. It only dawned on him there. Yoongi had been drunk, he knew that, but he never thought that the male would forget it in the morning, that the night before never happened for Yoongi.
But it happened to him and it hurt. It hurt hundreds more times because Yoongi was not Yoongi when he whispered those ‘I miss you’s and that thing about not wanting them to break up and all. He had believed it the night before. He could feel it from the intoxicated kisses they shared.
He had thought that the brief separation they had had really shaken Yoongi into thinking that he also needed Hoseok and that they should stay together after all and maybe Hoseok read too much fairytales.
Min Yoongi obviously did not come from that world.
“So it was only heat and skin again, wasn’t it, Yoongi-yah?” he said, only mildly aware that his voice had grown detached and cold, in contrast to the warmth he had just some moments ago. “Of course a few weeks without sex would bring you to me, huh?”
He caught a slight hurt crossed the pair of eyes across his own before they grew hard again. Only a flicker, but enough, enough for Hoseok to fool himself into thinking that Yoongi actually cared what he was thinking and God, he hoped that Yoongi would break right there and maybe explain everything to him that it wasn’t like that. That it wasn’t just sex that brought him to Hoseok the night before.
But he found nothing else. Yoongi was just that hard to break.
Or even impossible.
“You shouldn’t have come to me last night. Starting this all again. Don’t you know how hard I had it?”
How hard it was for him to accept that they were breaking up and yet he still had to act nice and all smiley because no, he would not break down in front of Yoongi or anyone else and Yoongi obviously didn’t know how hard he had it the night before when Yoongi casually strolled towards him and took him in and everything just blurred and how could he not give in to the pained looking expression and the words that had sounded genuine at that point?
He had thought that they really had another chance.
“Whatever, Hoseok. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I was bloody fucking drunk and—“
“Fucking hell, Yoongi. Will you cut it out for once?”
Yoongi stopped with a frown at the interruption. Hoseok had always known that Yoongi did not like it when he cussed, and Hoseok never shouted at him except for the small occasions before their break ups where everything was tension.
“Okay,” he finally breathed out, a little calmer this time. “I was just offering you an option to stay in the city. You said you hated home and all.”
Yoongi was silent for a beat, only his breathing sounded and Hoseok dared himself to hope when Yoongi’s lips parted again. “What’s the catch?”
“Stay with me and let’s start over again. Everything.”
It’s actually harder voicing it out than how he had practiced it over and over again in his head, for so many times, before this chance came presenting itself on him. It got harder and harder as some expressions crossed Yoongi’s face, too fast for him to catch, and that Yoongi wasn’t answering right away.
He had a hope.
And Yoongi’s always the one who crushed it into pieces.
“No. Let’s not.”
It’s not like Hoseok hadn’t expected this outcome already, but it’s impossible not to feel the sharp pain on his chest, and to not have it written all over his face.
Maybe it’s also good that Yoongi’s the best at avoiding his gaze, because Yoongi couldn’t have seen something that broke inside his eyes, not when he finally sidestepped him to leave. Not even sparing a glance.
A sad laugh escaped from his lips the moment he heard the front door slammed shut and he had to clench his fingers on the edge of the counter, next to the glass Yoongi drank from.
What’s the point of staying with someone who kept crushing your hope and made you feel like shit? What’s the point of keeping a relationship that’s obviously one-sided most of the time? What’s the fucking point of the efforts he had made so far in keeping it solid with Yoongi.
Not even a year of happy times and another year of trying to prevent something from collapsing. Had he been happy all this time?
That’s when it occurred to him that yes, it is really the end.
And that’s the first time in the few months of pain and emptiness that he finally shut Min Yoongi completely out of his mind.
The semester break passed like a blur and in no time, Hoseok found himself waking up for classes again. He couldn’t remember how it had passed so fast. Mainly all his time was spent dancing with his team for the upcoming competition and in between the fun times, he sometimes wondered if this was what he had missed for those times he spent chasing his boyfriend.
The thought about Yoongi hadn’t been occupying his mind that much either, thanks to Jimin who distracted him most of the time and also for the fact that Yoongi was not in the city. But the male was back now, and Hoseok could not even visit the diner anymore, in fear that it happened to be Yoongi’s shift and God, how fast it was to turn someone into a coward. He’s not supposed to be this weak. But now he’s only a coward who’s avoiding his ex-boyfriend.
Though it was proven pretty hard to do when the said Min Yoongi was the one who presented himself to Hoseok.
He had never had this possibility thought up that he could not find any escape in time. He didn’t even refuse when Yoongi told him that he wanted to talk and he couldn’t help to notice how Yoongi was nibbling on his lower lip—the habit he had picked past the years as the one Yoongi always did when he was agitated and nervous and Hoseok always coaxed him to cut it out with a kiss and no, he shouldn’t be thinking about it when he had himself cornered in one of the empty classrooms and he still hadn’t figured out the way to escape from this situation.
“Are we playing stranger, huh?” Yoongi started with a blow straight to his gut. Blow of shame, yes. Was it that obvious?
“What, you play stranger for all these years and now that I’m doing it for a day or two or three, it makes me the bad guy?”
That silenced Yoongi up for a moment.
“So,” Yoongi started again. He had stopped biting his lip, but Hoseok knew that the cold façade he had built from himself was nearly perfect and he knew that it just added to the list of things that should be worrying for Yoongi.
“I’ve been thinking about, uh, everything, that happened before the break,” straight to the point, always. “And I read your past kakao messages, the ones I ignored last time.”
“Yeah?” Hoseok brought his gaze up, finally focusing his attention fully on Yoongi. It struck him for a beat that he missed Yoongi-yah so much that he froze, eyes in daze as he took in how Yoongi looked, the difference he had ever since they last time they saw each other; but then what escaped from his lips was nothing like that.
“I don’t need a pity party.”
For a few tantalizing seconds, it felt like a new tension was built in between them. Hoseok could see how Yoongi’s jaw tightened and a storm of unexplainable emotions flashed through the pair of sharp eyes , jabbing into his own.
“Stop trying to act like a tough ass. It doesn’t suit you.”
“Well, maybe. If you didn’t turn me into this, I’ll still be the Hoseok who suits me more.” Hoseok said, unable to stop once he did and he knew that he might regret this later on but he figured he had nothing to lose anyway. “What are we doing here anyway? We both have found our ways out from that so called unhealthy toxic relationship shit we had and it’s not even two months passed so why are we here again? Because of kakaotalk messages?”
“Stop that,” Yoongi hissed, sounding tired for once.
Hoseok watched him move away and seated himself on the edge of the teacher’s desk while he was still standing dumbly in the middle of the room until Yoongi had his eyes on his again and he stepped forward, daring himself to come closer. Yoongi did not comment about it.
“I saw how you looked at me in the corridor. That’s the one last thing I needed to confirm before I come to you.” Hoseok held his breath. He could see where this was coming.
“Hoseok. Let’s do it. The starting over thing.”
“What, no. It’s not that easy.” He wished he didn’t have to be so haste and snappy about it. He could see something in Yoongi’s expression fall and he felt like shit. They both knew they still wanted this that they regretted what went wrong in the past relationship and Yoongi just realized it too late. But he did not know how Hoseok had had it hard when it occurred to him that Yoongi was really breaking up with him and that did hurt him. A lot.
It shouldn’t be that easy to break a heart and put the pieces together. Yoongi couldn’t be his pain and medicine at once. He couldn’t let Yoongi waltz into his life as easy as he went out. That’s what he’s supposed to do. His friends would say the same. He shouldn’t…
“Are you doing this because you want to fuck? We can still fuck if you want,” Hoseok shrugged off his backpack and stormed towards the other, almost knocking Yoongi back out of surprise at how fast he had walked forward, but Yoongi got his composure back soon and held him by his shoulders the moment he got close enough to corner Yoongi against the desk. His head was hung low in between his extended arms and Hoseok felt his resolution crumbling right before his eyes.
“Stop.” Hoseok tried to ignore the subtle quiver in Yoongi’s voice.
“I just don’t want any more emotional fights and that feeling of being unwanted and insecurity that my own boyfriend doesn’t want me. I need something stable,” his voice softened as he said that. He really felt a strong urge to pull Yoongi into his arms and hold the male against him. But that’d be crossing the line.
They’re not lovers, after all. Not anymore.
“I know,” Yoongi said. “I took less classes for this semester so I’ll have extra time… and I will try to not make you feel like shit anymore even though it might be hard because I’m the shit and… yeah,” he finally lifted his head, though his gaze was unfocused, flitting here and there and Hoseok took it as another nervous gesture.
So he took Yoongi’s hands off his shoulders and squeezed them in his own instead.
“No more seenzoning and one-sided chasing game either? I’m kinda sick of that.”
Funny, how easy Yoongi could get him right back on his palm. It’s unfair, that it never work both ways.
Yoongi nodded and pulled his hands off the hold. “Well then, are you really trying it out with me? Once again?”
With a sigh, Hoseok tried not to feel rejected as he missed the warmth of Yoongi’s hands in his, but he figured that it was because they were at the starting point again. He tried to ignore Jimin’s voice in his head telling him that he’d regret it and deep down he knew that he might do. But he had nothing more to lose, right?
They’re not lovers. Not anymore. Or not yet.
He wished that it’d be a new beginning for something nicer.
Yoongi hoped for that, too.
Especially on the first day of the beginning for this whole thing—a date. A real date, as Hoseok called it.
It just occurred to him that he couldn’t even remember their first date, or if that one was a date at all. For the 2 years or so of them dating, he honestly could not come up of something really meaningful that had been a turning point of their relationship, or such sappy things as he had read sometimes in books and or heard from cheesy dramas.
Yoongi really did not know how they do this. Everything was awkward, from the very beginning. The first second where Yoongi got into the passenger seat of Hoseok’s car and Hoseok was smiling at him, being all casual and sexy as fuck and oh, he might have to use that term less because they are nothing now and they just started and he did not want to feel any sexual attraction towards the guy yet but then it was his own head and actually he was just finding an excuse to think about anything other than how to cease the awkwardness that was hanging so palpably in the air between them.
Fuck. Calling it a date really ruined it all.
Actually, Hoseok did not seem to mind about it. He had a small smile hanging on his lips all the way through the drive and Yoongi really didn’t pay attention to that. Really.
He needed a distraction, so he took out his phone and he could feel Hoseok staring at him as they stopped at some fast food drive-thru, in which Yoongi really got distracted by then and he only told Hoseok to decide what he’s getting. He noticed that Hoseok’s smile and happy mood had fallen the moment he lifted up his head again.
“You’re so not texting someone else when you’re with me,” Hoseok said, a little incredulous and careful, when Yoongi asked why he was staring at him.
Yoongi just snorted and plugged his phone into the music player in Hoseok’s car and he could see the confusion and then realization in Hoseok’s face. He must be still a little blank because he didn’t answer when the staff gave them the food and Yoongi had to reach over to take the food.
“Drive-thru, huh? So much for calling this a date,” Yoongi commented, only realizing that they were really getting takeout food for dinner.
Hoseok did not answer until he parked the car on the side of a river and stopped the engine, letting the night breeze seeping in from the opened windows on their sides. There was a boyish grin on his face when he turned to face Yoongi and made a grabbing movement for the food.
“We will stay here and talk all night and eat and sleep and make out or something, if you don’t have anything against kissing on the first date, but yeah. Talk. Come at me.”
The whole thing was new and funny and Yoongi honestly was not used to this kind of ‘date’ or ‘talk all night’ stuff. Hoseok knew that for sure and that must be why he started to talk without waiting for Yoongi’s comment on it. He disgracefully choked on his fries after talking so much while eating and that was when the ice broke.
They talked all night, like they never did before.
It finally just dawned on Yoongi that they never really knew each other before, those little things that went unnoticed. He knew that Hoseok was allergic to some sea food, but he never knew that Hoseok had this phobia of fishes as well and Yoongi nicely suggested that they went to the aquarium for the next date which made Hoseok cussed him playfully.
And there was also the source of scar he had above his eyebrow. Hoseok got it after falling from a bike when he was a kid and that it still throbbed sometimes. Yoongi frowned as he leaned in to examine the scar and commented about it being so little that Hoseok must be exaggerating about this Harry Potter scar.
That was the closest they ever got to an intimate contact that night. Yoongi stopped for a beat, a hand still holding Hoseok’s fringe out of the way as he examined the scar and when he dropped his eyes to stare right into Hoseok’s eyes, their eyes locked. He could hear some sort of cheesy lines from some romance literature in his head and mentally cringed about that. But they did not kiss.
There was only talk and talk and no heat or skin on skin. And it actually felt nice for once. He’s glad he chose to not waste his time on procrastinating his assignments and readings at home.
When he’s back to working on that in the dorm, however, there’s still Seokjin hyung who frowned at him. He was still not really supportive about this whole idea about ‘starting over’. Not like Yoongi could blame him for that.
“Not sore?” that was the first thing the elder asked once he stepped into the room.
“Yes, sore. Sitting too much in the car and all. I brought you this,” he tossed an untouched cheeseburger to Seokjin who didn’t question him any further.
The disapproval was always there even after he started going out with Hoseok a lot, not all stated as dates, but still enough.
“Too fast. It’s going to end up like the first one,” Seokjin stated at last, seemingly more nonchalant about Yoongi’s love life after a while but still worried and when Seokjin hyung’s worried, nothing could stop him from thinking about it until there was something to assure him.
Maybe it’s true that they’re going too fast again. Yoongi thought that he better listen to Seokjin for he was not relationship master or anything. Though he kind of knew that he wouldn’t be worried about anything this time. After so many dates and moments alone passed without any heat and skin, not even a kiss.
There was this one time they went to watch a movie on some random nights and sure, they had done this a few times before, and sometimes only for trying some sort of kinks; handjob in the darkness and mostly making out until they have to go out early and fuck in the restroom.
Yoongi had a suspicion this time that it would turn into that too because halfway through the movie—animated movie, not really a turn on; Hoseok already had his hand on Yoongi’s thigh, slowly creeping into his inner thigh and brushing on his skin through the rips in his jeans. He hadn’t come into a decision whether he also wanted it or if he should swat the hand away when the hand grabbed his own instead and for the rest of the movie, they just stayed like that, with Hoseok’s hand holding his own on top of his lap while the owner was happily laughing at a scene from the movie.
This could not get any sappier. Or so he thought.
As if the other dates weren’t just as sappy as that.
But he kind of agreed that he should be more careful and that they had to take it slow this time. So he listened to Seokjin and ceased the dates into some random meetings in halls and reduced the amount of texts per days.
“The beginning is always like this. You’re still all eager and stuff but you’ll only feel more of the loss later on when you two drift apart. Believe me, this won’t last for long.” Seokjin was such a pessimist. Yoongi believed him, though.
Because that’s what happened in the past, and he had lived to see how it ended.
Hoseok noticed that they didn’t go out as much anymore as the weeks passed by and he assured himself that it was because they both were not really freest people around. Yoongi was busy with his assignments, as he said most of the time when they were texting, and Hoseok also had assignments of his own. With only concluded one thing; college is shit.
But stuff happened and it always brought Yoongi to him when he least expected him.
Like when they both met halfway to each other’s classes only to tell each other to cancel their date for the night. Because cancelling dates from kakaotalk messages didn’t sound like the best thing ever and Hoseok really regretted that it happened because now he was stuck with the assignments.
Good thing that stuff happened again and before he knew, he opened his flat’s door to Yoongi’s exhausted face, his laptop bag clutched in his arms. And then Yoongi’s in his living room, typing on his laptop like a madman and Hoseok made a connection again that they both had procrastinated their assignments until the last minutes.
But Yoongi didn’t have as much luck for the day that electricity black out happened in the campus dorm just in time, and that brought the male here, as the last resort to save his sorry ass from failing, he said.
“Laugh your damned ass off, Hoseok. You’ll be just like me in three hours, just you see,” Yoongi said, without ceasing his typing on the keyboard because it was half an hour to midnight and that was the deadline for his essay. While Hoseok still got until later in the morning to submit his report.
They used to do this back then during the beginning of the college years, Hoseok couldn’t help to reminisce about it. But study plans always turned into movie nights and more often than not, the laptops would be shoved aside and Hoseok would find Yoongi in his lap instead.
Only now he noticed that it’s nice to stay like this, in the silent room filled with keyboard typing and he could watch the other male all he wanted for Yoongi wouldn’t notice anyway; how his brows furrowed subtly and his lips were abused by his own teeth and sometimes the cheeks would puff out without the owner realizing it. Hoseok found all these newfound facts interesting. Even accompanied with a small thought that he could live forever with this.
Just when he brought two cups of coffee back from the kitchen, he found Yoongi sprawled on the carpeted floor, the screen showing an uploaded file.
“You gonna pass out here? Typical gramps,” he nudged Yoongi’s side with his toe and placed the mug on the floor right next to Yoongi’s head as the owner glared at him.
“Shut up.” He said, and then silence took over again. Hoseok sipping his coffee in peace and Yoongi staring blankly at the ceiling. “I have to go.”
“Stay over. It’s late.”
Yoongi’s already halfway up from the floor when he stopped at the offer. His eyes narrowed a tad as he gave Hoseok a look.
“I’m going to distract you from the assignment.”
Yoongi snorted and fell back on his butt, throwing a cushion towards Hoseok. The playful mood would never fail to reach Hoseok and before he could blink or get himself ready for the counterattack, he found them in some playful wrestling-bickering that ended up toppling the mug over and spilled the coffee all over the carpet.
Hoseok did not even notice. It’s Yoongi who got surprised and got knocked over on his back right next to the wet spot on the carpet and Hoseok’s sitting on top of him with that stupid victory grin of his.
So much for being playful.
The bright mood dissipated along with the calmed breathing after they stopped their childish fight and it turned into something else. Yoongi was almost sure that Hoseok was going to kiss him when the male leaned down, hovering above him, and rested his hand on Yoongi’s cheek and gosh, he thought there was not going to be any more sappy thing but like hell he didn’t feel like that when the finger sent a jolt of shock through his nerves and his eyes fluttered close when Hoseok closed the distance even more. And then he felt the pair of lips pressed onto his temple and then Hoseok’s nuzzling into his hair.
“Go sleep. That way you won’t be so much of a distraction while I’m finishing this report to save my life.”
He pulled away just like that. Yoongi’s fingers were aching to pull him back and take him into a proper kiss on the mouth, or maybe something more. But he just stayed there watching Hoseok exclaiming about the spilled coffee.
He had this small thought that maybe he wanted Hoseok in a way that felt almost entirely foreign. And it felt good not to know why, for once.
“You’re crazy.” That had been Jimin’s response the first time Hoseok finally had the gut to tell Jimin about it.
He had feared the friend’s reaction, for Jimin was the one who’s most eager about him breaking this relationship before. It actually wasn’t that hard to hide it from Jimin when they went to different colleges and he actually hadn’t planned in telling Jimin or the other kids about it before everything between him and Yoongi gotten clear enough. If only Jimin didn’t catch him in the action.
He didn’t know where Yoongi would bring him that night. He was ready to go out with Jimin and the others when Yoongi appeared before his door and was like “oh, you’re already up for it. Seems like you got my text,” which actually didn’t happen because his phone was still dead from that unfortunate accident of getting violently thrown towards the mirror when he was dancing and he still hadn’t even gotten over his surprise when Yoongi started tugging on his hand.
If it’s not for the adorable sight of the male being excited like that, it was because of Yoongi’s saying that he had no say in this and that he should just tag along to wherever Yoongi had in mind that he gave in to it. And so he followed Yoongi, while mentally sending his sorry for his friends that were waiting for him.
Yoongi was always full of surprises and this one was one of them.
The dance crew he had been a fan of was holding a show in one of the clubs in the town and Yoongi showed him two tickets. God knows how Yoongi could get the tickets when he and Jimin, the real fans, had missed them.
He’s sure that Yoongi was not even into dance all that much, but he stayed there throughout the shows while Hoseok was being the excited one. He said that he was only there for the free drinks, but Hoseok did not care. He’s happy that Yoongi knew and bothered to go all the way into getting the tickets for him and still lost in the euphoria after the show, he told Yoongi that, beaming and all, that this was the best present he had had all year and this made up for the months of lateness for his birthday gift that Yoongi had forgotten early this year.
If it was not in the dark, Hoseok wondered if he could see Yoongi blushing. But he figured he could do with the minimal light of the street lamp outside the club building where Yoongi was leaning against with Hoseok standing in front of him, still excited and giddy on his feet.
“I just thought that I could do that much for you… well, in return to all the dates before this. The lame dates. Mine is obviously better, but yes. Thanks.”
And then everything flashed right in front of his eyes. How he fell for the latter at the first place and why he was there again.
So easy to love. Hoseok managed to think before the world dimmed from around him and there’s only Yoongi in his eyes. So, he did what felt like the rightest thing to do at the moment.
He leaned in closer, nudging the underside of Yoongi’s nose with the tip of his own. An affectionate gesture, testing the water, trying to figure out if Yoongi minded or not.
Yoongi was the one who leaned in, meeting him halfway, and their lips met, pressed together so gently that he could only taste yearning and want from the pair of lips. The unspoken ‘I miss this’ and ‘I’ve wanted to do this for a while’.
For the first time in forever, he felt like it was not all that one-sided anymore.
But Jimin just had to ruin it, of course. Showing up out of nowhere and yelled and pointed at them with such face that could be funny… okay, it was funny. It killed the mood totally and Hoseok laughed out loud, while Yoongi and Jimin were obviously not up for it.
It brought him into the situation where he felt like he’s being interrogated and he didn’t even feel sorry about it, maybe aside from the fact that he had kept it hidden so well from his so called best friend of his.
“Seriously, Hoseok. You said yourself that Yoongi hyung is not capable of returning all your feelings and here you are putting yourself back in the very same situation, are you a masochist or what?”
A way to ruin a great night.
“He said he would try. And besides, we’re doing it better now. We go to dates and all, and then he also won’t ignore my messages anymore and he totally kissed me back just now,” his lips slowly formed back into the smile again. “I think he might like me for real this time.”
“People misread everything when they’re in love.”
The newly revived smile dropped back at the words and he snapped his gaze towards the shorter friend of his. They glared at each other for what felt like so long until Hoseok sighed and threw himself back onto the bed.
“Do what you want. I just don’t want you to be hurt anymore, hope. It was a total mess.” Jimin disappeared from the room after saying that and Hoseok couldn’t be any more conflicted than this.
“It’s not like I want to be hurt again.”
It took a few more minutes for him to get back into his senses and set back the smile on his face. Jimin must have gone home by then, but he had told Yoongi to wait in the living room while he settled things with Jimin.
Yoongi was not there anymore when he came out.
Hoseok suspected that Yoongi had heard what they were bickering about that night, about Yoongi and the relationship. Hoseok wouldn’t blame him if he’s upset about it. Instead Yoongi snapped at him when he asked about that and he felt really dumb.
One) he shouldn’t have asked the obvious, knowing that Yoongi would be too prideful to admit it and two) Yoongi had been so touchy after that night. He could have at least tried to avoid the bomb.
But the bomb had landed on him and it was too late to avoid it as Yoongi directed his irritation, laced with the stress from the past week of mid-term exam and shitty people at his part time job. The alcohol seemed to be bringing something worse, despite Hoseok’s initial intention to make Yoongi feel better instead by dragging him to the bar earlier.
Instead it backfired on him and before he knew how intoxicated Yoongi was, they were in Yoongi’s room, with Yoongi looking more edgy than he was before.
“I don’t care what you and Jimin think about me, okay? Even if I didn’t hear it, it’s already so fucking clear that I am the toxic ex-boyfriend and I can’t fix it for good.”
Oh right. They were not dating anymore. Hoseok still forgot sometimes.
Yoongi was always so unpredictable, and that’s also applied to his mood and how to deal with him. Like now, there was a snappy edge around his movements and he looked like the excitement had been sucked out of him from that last night Hoseok remembered they both had during the dance show.
It was still nice that at least Yoongi allowed him to come in to the dorm room. Seokjin was not around and the place was a mess of papers and bed sheets, mostly in Yoongi’s side of the room.
Hoseok hadn’t been there a lot even when they were dating, maybe a few times, but Yoongi preferred to be the one coming to his flat to have more privacy and space and Hoseok could see why. Because there was almost no space to step and when he was pushed to sit on the bed, there was a crunch of paper under his butt.
But Yoongi didn’t seem to mind. He only climbed into Hoseok’s lap and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s shoulder like it’s the most casual thing to do. And then they were kissing so hard Hoseok almost thought Yoongi was trying to suffocate him.
Between kisses and small touches, Hoseok told him all the things he had told himself so many times before. All those lies that were supposed to make him feel better. All his certainty about how Yoongi wouldn’t be like that anymore and that they were trying at the moment, plus Yoongi’s doing good so far. And that they both had fucked up and it’s not just Yoongi.
“You won’t hurt me anymore. Not as long as we’re in this together, I can sense it.”
It was Yoongi’s look when their eyes finally locked together that shook him off the false security he had made for himself. As Yoongi shut him up with another kiss full on his mouth, it was the mixed sensation of desperation, fear, longing, and uncertainty he could feel from Yoongi’s lips that plunge him into another episode of confusion. Instead of pulling away and ask for explanation like he’s supposed to do, he pulled Yoongi closer by his waist and let all questions dissipated into the air.
Like it’s fine to be like this, without any answers or a promise not to hurt.
But it was not fine. Not at all.
“I don’t think I can stay in this any longer. You see. It’s not just you who I’m going to hurt.”
Right in time for something to knock Hoseok off the small moment of tranquility and bliss and pushed him back into the base. Yoongi had broken off his hold and the kiss so forcefully only to whisper that against his lips. The stern look was back in his eyes, replacing the look of restlessness and anxiety he spotted there just now.
“We said we’d try again… together.”
Yoongi shook his head. “It’s too fast. Too hectic. It’s like riding a roller coaster and then I’m falling and falling and you’re still there, riding so hard, pulling me along. So hard. So fast. It’s too overwhelming.”
Hoseok didn’t have any return for this. Yoongi wasn’t the type to speak of his feelings and when he did, it’s not that easy to be understood. It’s not helping that Yoongi was tipsy.
“You always love so hard, it’s hard to keep up. You might not realize it, but you’re demanding for the same amount, the amount I don’t have in me. And you said you need me. You needed me just to be there that you didn’t care or mind, if I still had the feelings for you or not. That’s how we turned to sex for relief. Or always been one since the beginning, I don’t know.”
The air was closing in on Hoseok’s face at that point as he tried to summon anything from his head into a word. But his head was a mess of conflicts and realization and it almost freaked him out that he couldn’t read Yoongi’s eyes anymore.
“But I need you.” That’s all he could say.
“And that’s scaring me.”
Another jab right into Hoseok’s chest. He really felt like crying now, wondering how did everything turned into this, or if it had always been like this since the very beginning. They were playing in the edge of a cliff with crumbling foundation and it’s just a matter of time for them to slip and fall.
“The circles will be repeating over and over again, because I can’t. I can’t give you all the things you need from me. You’re so dependent and you put so much into this, it’s almost scaring me how little I can give to you, and then we will drift apart again.” Yoongi stopped to take a breath and Hoseok thought he could feel the tremble of Yoongi’s hand on his shoulder, but then it might just be his imagination.
His silent wish that Yoongi was just as pained as he was.
“But I’m falling. And I will hit the bottom if it happens all over again—“
Hoseok noticed how the hitch of breath was interrupting the flow of Yoongi’s words. He took Yoongi’s hand in his, holding his gaze on Yoongi’s subtly unfocused one. His tone laced with worried more than hurt. “Yoongi. Stop it, you’re shaking.” And he thought that it might be best if he didn’t hear what Yoongi’s about to say.
But Yoongi didn’t stop--
“I might be in love with you. And it’s scaring me that I’m not capable of loving or sharing affection as hard as you do. We won’t work it out. Everyone knows that.”
--and it hurt.
It hurt that he could see how Yoongi’s clearly in love with him, and it was breaking the male apart.
And it hurt that out of all the things Yoongi could remember from when he’s intoxicated, that night was the only one stuck inside his head. All the words he had said to Hoseok, the nonsense that wasn’t all nonsense. The fear he had kept deep inside from the first time he had approached Hoseok after the semester break to start it over.
A big mistake of his.
He had only meant to fix his mistake at first, not to make more mistakes like this.
The second mistake was to fall for Jung Hoseok all over again.
He only noticed it at the night of the dance show. Watching how, for once, Hoseok was not trying to impress him, or to make the date meaningful and all that. He was only there, jamming to the music and rooting for his favorite dancer with a bright smile plastered in his face. Not knowing what it did to Yoongi who had watched him from the side.
The kiss was the last strike, but the look Hoseok gave him before their lips met was the one pulling the strings on his heart so hard he decided that it was okay. That it was okay to love Jung Hoseok.
But it’s not okay. Jimin said it’s not okay. Seokjin did, too.
All they could do was to hurt each other. In love or not.
Or maybe it’s only Yoongi who’s the bad guy here, hurting both Hoseok and himself because of his stubborn conviction that he could not love. He’s not capable of loving. That sentence that he had always kept in mind had killed him over and over again. Killed any possible love and affections. Killed the chance to prove what’s meant to be and what’s not.
“He wants to love and you don’t want to love. That’s where it clashes.” Namjoon suggested.
That’s the thing about Namjoon. Even when they did not ask, he’d try to meddle in and provide an answer to the unspoken questions. Yoongi was not even sure if he had any questions, but Namjoon insisted that he did.
The meeting at this bar Namjoon worked at was supposed to be a search for relief, at least for Yoongi, after that night Hoseok left him in his room and he still couldn’t erase the look of Hoseok’s slumped back as he exited the room. He figured that alcohol might help.
Only that Kim Namjoon wouldn’t give him any.
“Look at that face. So lonely, so dead, so ugly, it looks better when you were with Hoseok, even during the only-sex part. Maybe it’s the sex.” And also, sometimes, he’s asking for a hit. That’s how wise Kim Namjoon is.
“You know what, Yoongi? He’s giving up on you.” He spoke up again after Yoongi’s silent answer.
Yoongi laughed listlessly. “Hasn’t this happened a lot of times already?”
“How many times a year does Jung Hoseok actually ignore a message?”
That silenced Yoongi up for a full one minute before he started to talk about how this might be really the end and that he didn’t give a shit and Namjoon should give him the drink before he call the manager. But Namjoon was faster in cutting the threats.
“Man up and face him. I’m not talking about fixing it with sex, okay? But really, you should go.”
He had thought about so many things during the ride, how to face Hoseok, how to escape, how to knock Namjoon off and steal his car, anything to get him out of this situation. But he never expected Namjoon to stop the car right in front of a big mansion. It only clicked in his head a little later.
“You never came to Hoseok’s family’s house?”
What kind of boyfriend would that make him? A failed boyfriend, of course. Nothing’s new.
And it just added to the burden when he finally decided to man up and accepted the key from Namjoon (“The whole second floor is his. No need to worry about the parents, I think they’re overseas again.”) And there he was, stepping into the foreign place like a trespasser. A trespasser with a key. And with no difficulty since there was absolutely no one around except from the security who was dozing off and let Yoongi in so easily after he showed the key.
Finding Hoseok’s room in the second floor was not all that difficult either. He only had to follow the music, and then he came face to face with Hoseok who was halfway out from the room, probably got alerted of a visitor.
“How come Namjoon got a key to your place?” That’s the first thing he said, breaking the thick silence that formed in between them because Hoseok was not talking. And it’s weird that Hoseok did not talk.
It seemed to snap the male back into his senses. “Drunken nights.” He said simply, his lips curving into a small smile, a little sheepish on the edges. Cute.
Yoongi punched himself mentally for getting distracted.
“I didn’t know you have those drunken nights. With Namjoon, huh?”
“You don’t know many things about me, Yoongi-yah.”
True. Yoongi had never really asked about his family after Hoseok stating that he didn’t like talking about his family. He never pushed the topic, never demanding to visit the family’s house. He never tried to dig deeper into Hoseok’s life. All that he knew was only in the surface.
He wondered what they had been doing for almost two years of dating. Or if they were dating at all.
“No alcohol, huh?” Hoseok leaned in to sniff him. “Too bad. You are not going to have any heart-to-heart talk with me, then.”
“Aren’t you?” Yoongi lifted his eyes to hold Hoseok’s, demanding for answer. “Namjoon told me.”
The realization crossed Hoseok’s face, but Hoseok didn’t freak out. Instead, he pushed Yoongi towards a room next to the one he just came out from.
“Even if you’re not drunk, you ain’t gonna get anywhere this late so yeah, stay for the night.”
It was a bedroom, a clean one, with almost nothing inside aside for the common furniture such as the bed and the bedside table. A guest room, Yoongi guessed. He turned around to Hoseok staring at him, still on the corridor outside the room, not joining him in.
“My room is in the corner of the corridor, if you need something.”
It was a hint. Yoongi didn’t catch it until past midnight where he finally sneaked out from the room and easily slipped himself into the room directed by the male. The room was vast, taking almost half of the floor, and Hoseok’s lying on the bed in the middle of the room, looking so small. And lonely.
The room looked unoccupied, which was not really a surprise knowing that Hoseok lived at the apartment, closer to the university. But there lay the remains of Hoseok’s high school life. The yearbook, pictures scattered on his desk, CDs, mixtapes.
In the corner of the room, there was this basketball wrapped messily in torn transparent wrapper. Even with the moonlight barely lighting up the room, Yoongi could see the messy scrawl of Hoseok’s handwriting on the card. ‘Happy birthday, Yoongi-yah! I want to see you play basketball again so have this for your birthday. Let’s play together (though I am so very loser at this but eh)’. He secretly smiled at it.
Last birthday, they already broke up after all.
He never felt closer to Hoseok than at the very moment where he was standing there inside Hoseok’s room, where Hoseok had spent most of his life before they met. Surrounded by all the things from his past, the past from when Hoseok was his playmate during high school, and even long before that.
He wanted to know Hoseok more. But before that…
Hoseok didn’t wake up right away when he climbed into the bed, but Hoseok was not a heavy sleeper. He certainly had woken up at the first touch of Yoongi’s had on his hair, but he only reacted and pulled Yoongi closer, almost made him topple over, when Yoongi’s lips covered his own.
“I don’t want to play basketball anymore.” He breathed out against Hoseok’s lips when he managed to pull away from the kiss. “I’d rather spend the time with you. Y’know, making up from all the lost time.”
Hoseok was flabbergasted at first, still a little in daze from the sleep and the kiss. He still hadn’t managed to progress Yoongi’s words in his head. Not when Yoongi’s saying this kind of thing, not with derisive edge to it, not shying away. He was just there, on top of him, the minimal light from the moonlight seeping through the flimsy curtain brought his expression to live. And there was no doubt in those eyes.
This had happened a few times already, and it always hurt him at the end, that he trusted Yoongi and then the male would always drift away after that, as if all those words he said was only momentarily. As if he wanted to keep Hoseok and yet not at once. That’s just how cruel Min Yoongi was.
“You’re not drunk, are you?” he asked at last, fingers clutching onto Yoongi’s shirt from behind.
Yoongi answered his question with a kiss, delving his tongue into his mouth and made him taste Yoongi, not the alcohol in his mouth. It stole his breath for a second too long.
“You said the same thing last time you were drunk and we had sex, that one you didn’t remember in the morning.”
That time Yoongi confessed to him that god, hoseok, I don’t want a break up. I want you. I’ve always wanted you. And he had given up again, letting them lost in the intoxication, the alcohol in Yoongi’s mouth and the neon lights in the night club. He had believed Yoongi then.
“I was drunk as fuck, you could’ve seen it. You shouldn’t have believed what I said that night. I only say that kind nonsense every time I got intoxicated and that’s why I’m not going to say anything this time.” Yoongi sounded defensive.
“No no no, say it. Say something, tell me everything.” He’s lost, for yet another time.
But Yoongi’s the one who’s soon after that lost in his bed sheet, squirming and choking out his words because of Hoseok’s mouth just wouldn’t leave his skin—his neck, his chest, marred by marks, bite marks, kisses. He’s so beautiful, Hoseok mused for god knows how many times already, taking in the sight of Yoongi in his vast bed that’s usually so empty, head thrown back into the pillow and chest arched slightly onto Hoseok’s lips that were wrapped around a nipple. He couldn’t get enough of this.
“And. And,” Yoongi groaned, nails biting into the skin of Hoseok’s bare back. “Because all we’re doing was just fucking, I don’t see the point. It gets tiring, but…”
Hoseok looked up when the words trailed off into silence. Yoongi was panting, lips parted in ecstasy and his eyes were shut. He couldn’t blame him, not when Hoseok had two fingers inside him, stretching him oh so slowly and thoroughly, curling inside the heat and hitting his spot unforgivingly.
“But?” he urged.
Not pushing it, though, since everything tonight was for Yoongi, and for Yoongi to talk to him. He ignored the throb in his own erection from the sight and the urge to just cut the foreplay and prepping and just go straight into fucking the other. But it happened so many times before. And it lost its meaning too quickly.
“But it always feels so damn amazing. I like it. That’s why I didn’t mention or talk about it earlier, and it was stupid. Relationship is not supposed to be like that,” he said in an intake of breath.
Hoseok paused, earning a discontented sigh from the male beneath him, and shifted so he was face to face with Yoongi. “Do you think that we’re doing it right this time, then?”
“No, maybe. We’ll have to see how it goes,” Yoongi silenced him up from further question. “But you know what? I’m actually glad that everything happened.” He had his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulled him down for a slow kiss.
Hoseok kept fingering him from a little too long, longer than he had ever done before. But Yoongi did not complain. Not until his thighs tensed and toes curling and his words coming out as gasps into Hoseok’s mouth. He was close, Hoseok could see it, and he could feel himself straining against the confinement of his briefs.
He could have come without being touched, or fucked properly.
“If you won’t hurry, I’m going to take back everything I just said.”
Hoseok laughed heartily. He wasted no time in shedding the last fabric off and settled in between the trembling legs, biting onto his lip as he stroke his dripping length with lubed fingers. “So needy. You sure you are not in love with me because of my dick?”
“That’s, a very tempting thought—“ Yoongi was cut abruptly when he pushed in without warning, the words turned into a silent cry from his throat and honestly, Hoseok was glad he didn’t keep talking as he couldn’t hear anything for a second. Spikes of pleasure surged through his body as the wet heat clamped around him, not to help that Yoongi’s legs were locked around him so tightly, pulling him in deeper.
A touch on his cheek brought his eyes open again and he was greeted by Yoongi’s face, so close to his own, as Yoongi pushed himself up on his elbow and kissed a corner of his lips.
“You’re a stupid ass who thinks with your dick more often than not, but that’s not why I love you, idiot,” he said. And Hoseok’s brain short-circuited.
So Yoongi was really saying that he loved him.
He’d gladly question more about that, if only Yoongi wasn’t so needy and reminded him that he was still so damn hard, and inside Yoongi. And just like that, he pushed Yoongi into the bed again, their hips moving in sync, slow rolls of hips before it turned erratic and needy and hungry and Hoseok thought that this was more than just fucking.
It was more than just fucking, in fact. Hoseok realized in the midst of heat pleasured moans and gasps. In the middle of sweet nothings he whispered into Yoongi’s skin, his jaw, his cheeks, and then his earlobe, taking in how Yoongi shivered with each, not pushing him away like he’d always done before.
“It always scared me before, that… if what you said were real, it means that you loved me so damn much all this time.”
It took a moment for Hoseok to register that into his head that Yoongi was continuing his ‘talk’. He looked thoroughly fucked under him, panting and gasping moans, and yet he still managed to say them. As if he had read Hoseok’s mind.
“I’ve always loved you.”
It felt so intimate; that Hoseok was whispering that with his mouth pressed into Yoongi’s earlobe, and Yoongi was lost. He moved his hips back, reducing into encouraging moans of Hoseok to go faster because god he needs to come, he needs to come so bad and it’s all so hot and hoseok—
The last part got interrupted by Hoseok crashing his lips so hard against Yoongi’s talking one. He took both of Yoongi’s hands and intertwined their fingers together on top of Yoongi’s head, complying to go faster and faster and deeper, taking in all the noises trapped in Yoongi’s throat and the way Yoongi’s face twisted in pleasure and he knew that Yoongi always came the hardest without being touched, and he did.
He swallowed Yoongi’s muffled cry with his mouth as Yoongi came, jerking and shivering under him, tight heat clenching around his dick and it almost sent him into oblivion. Hoseok was blank for a moment, fucking Yoongi through his orgasm and he only needed some more to throw himself off the edge.
But Yoongi gained his senses a little too soon. The next thing he knew was that he was flipped onto his back and Yoongi’s on top of him, riding him in a dizzying pace that he couldn’t help to wonder how Yoongi still managed to do that after coming, but he did, and it felt too good, so damn good.
“Come inside me.” Yoongi whispered into his parted mouth. And that was the last strike.
He grabbed onto Yoongi’s hips so hard as he came, rolling his hips to thrust into the heat as he rode his orgasm and groaning out Yoongi’s name. His blood rushing under his skin and he was sure it was the only thing he could feel and hear for a moment until Yoongi leaned in again, just in time as Hoseok opened his eyes to Yoongi’s gaze burning intensely into his own.
“I love you, goddammit. I love you.”
Yoongi sounded distressed, but Hoseok knew he meant it. He loved so hard it almost suffocated Hoseok, even with no loving gesture and all that stuff that Yoongi said he couldn’t do. With a stifled sob caught in his throat, he threw his arms around the pliant body above him, pulling him against his own.
“Took you so damn long,” he said in daze, focusing on how Yoongi’s heart beat slowed against his chest. “Is it the sex, after all?”
“I’m taking everything back. Asshole.” Yoongi shoved on his chest as he straightened back up and removed himself from Hoseok, accompanied by Hoseok’s laughter as he tackled Yoongi back down into the vast, usually empty bed of his. The bed was no longer cold. It had Yoongi in it and Hoseok could never ask for anything more.
Yoongi could ask for something more, though. Maybe for the time to freeze so he wouldn’t have to get up from this bed and that Hoseok stayed asleep in his side, just so he could stay longer in the bed and stare at him, watching him under the morning sunshine seeping into the room from the window above the bed.
He wished that he wouldn’t have any more time to do more thinking about it, about the feeling inside his chest and this attraction that weighed him down, pinning him down to stay stay stay, to not leave when Hoseok was asleep and to not think about it anymore.
It scared him how hard he could fall and yet not hitting the bottom.
At least for now, he mused, as he watched Hoseok’s eyes flickered open and he realized that his peaceful musing time had come into an end as Hoseok threw his arms around him and pulled him close again.
Just like how they stayed in that position all night while the heat dripped off from their skin and they came down from the high, the sensation and the pleasure from every inch of their skin replaced by a calmness of breathes against skin and slow kisses until Hoseok fell back asleep with a mumble of Yoongi’s name on his lips.
But Yoongi couldn’t feel the burning sensation inside his chest drained along with it.
It stayed. Just like how Hoseok always stayed.
And Yoongi would stay this time. Maybe he would stay just to see how this ended. If there would be any end to this new cacophony of sensations and rhymes inside his head. It’s almost a thoroughly new feeling for him and he was about to get lost in it when Hoseok snapped him back into realization with another lame joke of his and a playful touch that was asking for a kiss. Every time he did it, in fact.
More often than not, later on, Hoseok would be doing it as a proof to the other guys that they were doing well, that they wouldn’t be reduced into what they were before and that those guys—mostly Seokjin and Jimin—shouldn’t be worried anymore. Hence the increasing amount of PDA, locking Yoongi in his arms and held him in any occasion, even when it was inappropriate.
Yoongi mostly would kick him away, after the guys laughed and Taehyung threw a snarky remark that it was lots better when they were quiet and serene and that they should get a room. Hoseok didn’t take it to heart, both of them. He’d do it again next time anyway.
But Yoongi’s the one who initiated things when there was only the two of them. Although it wasn’t much, and that he was still unable to express himself well, he felt that he could believe Hoseok for what the male assured him about.
“Ever since you told me about it back then, it had always been my goal to be the one to change it for you. No one is incapable of loving. You just had no one to love and I’m giving you it.”
Yoongi really wanted to believe it. That’s just how much he could do for Hoseok.
But for now, he’d have to be satisfied with this. Being with Hoseok in his bed, with the male mumbling something about this better not being a dream. He’s an idiot. Yoongi questioned his life choice right there and then, as if reading his mind, Hoseok silenced his thoughts with a kiss that took his breath away along with it.
For a second there, he had this little thought in the very back of his mind that maybe, just maybe, staying is not so bad after all.