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At the edge of the abyss

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The first time Loki saw him he was just a young boy.

It was an exciting period of his life, when he felt for the first time the power slumbering inside of him. Something so entirely different, something that had nothing to do with Thor and something most people couldn’t comprehend.

Little flames that he could create with the slightest movement of his fingertips. When he concentrated hard enough he could change the colour of his hair. From black to woven gold. Like Thor’s. Loki didn’t liked it very much, but he was filled with incredible joy, because he had been able to do it.

Never in his short life Loki had been more eager. Eager to learn, eager to explore and to train his abilities. His mother began tutoring him, told him about all the things he might achieve one day. Changing his appearance, taking on any form he’d like. Travelling by the power of his will, jumping between worlds without the Bifröst. And she told him that he had to be careful, that he was still young and lacked experience. Small spells, tricks, since he was nothing but a child. The time would come for him to unleash fire, earthquakes, smoke and destruction if he wanted to.

When Loki showed the little green flames to his brother Thor was excited, mesmerized even. He wanted to touch them, to feel if they were warm, burning his skin or a mere illusion. Loki saw admiration in his eyes and it made him all more enthusiastic to become a real mage. To master his magic and to explore its wonders.

Sometimes Thor even joined him, watching his little brother how he tried to levitate Thor’s sword by weaving his fingers. Those were the happiest moments, together with his brother and the feeling to do the very thing he was born for. Each and every day Loki felt his magic growing and pulsing in his veins, the reason for all his joy.

Loki was so young and he wanted more. Wanted to become a lion, a snake, a bird, a fish, a wolf, another Asgardian. Maybe one of the guards, Thor or even his own father. Loki wanted it all and he didn’t want to wait. His own hurry had been even more fuelled by Thor.

So one day it wasn’t enough to let the little flames dance on his fingertips. A strong desire burned in Loki’s chest, hotter than the fire on his skin. He wanted to be the fire himself. Therefore Loki let the flames grow, searched the power within himself and put everything into it. The fire flared, grew and Loki had to realise that he lost control of it. Within seconds the fire engulfed him, it ate on his limbs, making every part of his skin ache.

Thor’s screams, someone coming through the doors, shouting. Pain. So much pain.

The cold tiles of the floor beneath him, Loki felt his body giving out. It was nothing more than a destroyed, hurting shell. No matter how young and foolish Loki was, he was able to feel his heartbeat slowing. Giving out.

Loki was dying.

Then he saw him for the first time, but Loki had been too far gone to realise who he was. All Loki knew was that he scared him, that he hadn’t even known fear before seeing him. Standing right in front of him, dressed in a black robe, his skin paler than the brightest star in the sky above Asgard. Instead of eyes there were only two dark holes in his skull. A man without eyes and Loki still knew that he was being stared at. He wasn’t touching him, he wasn’t even coming closer, but Loki felt the coldness. The heat of the fire that had destroyed his body was gone, instead Loki was freezing. Trying to gather his last strength Loki wanted to crawl away from this man. Getting out of his reach, he was so young, he was scared, he wanted…

Someone reached out for him and Loki desperately held on to life although it was slipping away. The last bit of warmth was gone and the man without eyes, without skin loomed over him. Darkness seeped from the holes in his skull, forming shackles that wrapped themselves around Loki’s wrist and ankles. They were so cold that Loki screamed in agony only to have the darkness gagging him.

Tears filled Loki’s eyes and only one single thought crossed his mind. “I do not want to die.”

 ***

Loki woke up to the sound of his mother crying. Every single part of his body hurt, his head was heavy and his thoughts were clouded, but Loki was alive. His recovery took two months and as soon as he was strong enough to leave his bed, his father slapped him so hard, Loki started to cry. They told him that he had almost left the realm of the living, it had taken Asgard’s finest healers to save him and they insisted that it had been pure luck.

A year after the incident the scars had faded thanks to magic and Loki’s incredible healing powers. Time went by and Loki surpassed his mother’s expectations. The whole court talked about his magical powers that were beyond comparison. Loki knew that they were proud of him, but it was yet so strange. He was told about there was no other mage who could match his abilities, he was complimented for his achievements and they used his talents in battle. So why did Loki still feel like all of this wasn’t considered important? How could he receive a compliment and be sure that these were only empty words?

In hindsight Loki couldn’t name the moment when it started. Sadness was slowly creeping into his heart. The years passed and Loki left the happy, little boy he had been behind. Asgard got to know an immensely powerful mage whose physical appearance didn’t resemble his brother at all. Thor and him couldn’t be more different. One always laughing loudly while the other one wore that melancholic look on his face.

 ***

The second time when Loki saw him he was falling.

He had expected, even wished to see him as soon as he had let go of Gungnir. The void swallowed him and Loki fell. There was nothing else to be found in the darkness. Just Loki and nothing to keep his own mind from torturing Loki. Filling the black nothingness with the voices and pictures that were hunting him. Gnawing on his skin, tearing at his hair, latching themselves onto his eyes, so even when he closed them he saw nothing but blue.

Opening them didn’t make any difference. Darkness was swallowing him and he continued to fall deeper into it. Nothing was here to protect him. The voice was his father was ringing in his ears, over and over again. “No, Loki.”

His skin perfectly remembered the touch of the Jotun. How it hadn’t hurt him in the least bit, it hadn’t even felt unpleasant. What it made it all the more terrible.

All around him Loki saw Asgard cheering for Thor, he felt the slap of his father, his mother crying. The disapproving murmurs, the stares and he wasn’t good enough. Never good enough.

So Loki fell, his mind constantly mangling itself and the nothingness around him appeared to be endless. For some time Loki had tried to call for help, but his voice got lost. Asgard’s cheers, his father’s disappointment in him and the sound of his mother crying were too loud. Only when his throat got so sore it hurt Loki realised that he must have been screaming for hours. Or had it been longer? Time didn’t exist here.

It could have been years or even centuries when finally something filled the emptiness. A proof that Loki wasn’t dead yet, that this wasn’t how he was going to spend the rest of eternity. Someone was here and Loki could tell that this person was real. His mind hadn’t left him yet.

Loki raised his head, a task almost too hard to achieve and finally, finally he saw him. In the void the idea of time didn’t exist and it was the same with the concept of distance. Just by holding out his hand Loki would be able to touch him and at the same time he was completely out of reach.

To Loki though it didn’t really matter, because he was here and he was beautiful. The memory of a monster without eyes quickly faded away and Loki wondered if it had been a mere creation of his young, confused mind. Yes, it was the only explanation. There had never been a… monster. How could there have ever been a disfigured shadow who had tried to take him by force when Loki right now looked into two marvellous greyish eyes.

It was him, Loki could feel it. Yes, Loki’s body was still caught up in the memory of a completely different skin, the burn his father’s hand had left on his cheek, the weight of Mjolnir on his chest when Thor had put it there. His senses were dulled, overwhelmed and Loki was tired beyond words, but he could still tell with most certain conviction that it was him. An unmistakable aura.

There was something else now in the void, something real, something else than Loki’s memories and pain. It was slightly soothing, but Loki was still lost. He wasn’t close enough. How desperately Loki wanted to have him closer.

In his eyes there was a soft expression, his thin lips hinted at a smile and Loki drank in his appearance. Black still seemed to be the colour he favoured for his clothes, but they looked… different? No, he has always looked like this. A slender body, wrapped in a black cloak, a shock of light brown hair and a fair face. He was beautiful.

If the void hadn’t drained him of all his emotions Loki’s heart would have burst with joy to see him. Or would he have yelled at him if his throat had allowed him to utter a single sound? The emptiness would have swallowed his voice nonetheless. Loki’s body may have been weak and fragile, but his mind managed it to free himself for a few seconds to scream with all his might. “Where have you been?!”

There was no answer, the other one just looked at him. Not apologizing, not demanding anything of him. But he was here, wasn’t he? He couldn’t be an illusion, the image of Loki’s desperate wish. That couldn’t be.

Suddenly the cheers got even louder, deafening Loki’s ears and in between there was his father’s voice. “Laufey’s son.” Over him, under him, everywhere. “Laufey’s son.” Loki was desperately pulling, using all his force, but Mjolnir wouldn’t budge. He was unworthy. They were cheering for Thor, Mjolnir in his hand. Unworthy. Laufey’s son. Unworthy. His skin as cold as ice. Unworthy.

There was no pain more fierce than wanting to scream and not being able to.

Tears were filling his eyes and to blink them away took the last bit of strength from him. He was ready, he had jumped, he wanted it to stop.

A hand reached out for him, too far away and Loki could feel its warmth. Fingers gently touched his cheek, a thumb grazed over his skin and then everything suddenly came to a halt.

Loki had always preferred being by himself to the company of others, but now he realised that he had never really known the sweetness of silence. The voices and cheers subsided, fading away into the distance and Loki’s body belonged to himself again. His eyes only saw him. Eventually he could breathe, could think and the pain was forgotten. One touch and Loki felt free. He was at peace and he knew it would stay like that forever if Loki fell into his arms.

Nothing else mattered anymore but Loki’s desire for him and he could see in his grey eyes that he wanted Loki too.

The last reminder of his agony slipped away when he also put his other hand on Loki’s cheek, cradling his face. Full of tenderness and care. His touch was so warm, lulling Loki to sleep, putting his mind finally to rest. He wanted to fall asleep in his arms and continue to feel like he did now. It was beautiful.

“It is going to be alright. Everything is fine.” A deep, yet soft voice that sounded as pleasant as music. Loki could trust him and so he did. Closing his eyes he let out a deep breath, focusing on how the oxygen left his lungs and waited. He felt the other one coming closer, pulling Loki to him, ending his tantalizing wait for him.

The silence was suddenly torn apart by someone screaming. Loki had forgotten the sound of his own voice. With unstoppable speed the pain rushed back into his body. His limbs were screaming in agony, the memories were all too present in his mind. The warm hands fell from his face and his skin turned cold.

No, no, please don’t. Don’t leave me alone again.

Forced by shock and pain Loki opened his eyes wide and he frantically tried to fight the invisible force that tore him away from him. Within seconds Loki was so far away that he couldn’t even tell anymore if his eyes were grey or blue. Soon he was just a dark spot in the distance and Loki screamed, struggled, tried to summon his drained forces to fight whoever was dragging him away, but pain and weariness wouldn’t let him as Loki was pulled from the void. Leaving behind was he desired most to only heat his longing for it.

***

Judging by the poor state of his body Loki thought he must have been at least a few years in the void before Thanos pulled him from it. All that was left of the great trickster were bones covered by skin. His sensed needed hours to adapt to all the movement, light and sounds around him. It was different from the void, he wasn’t constantly hunted by his memories, but they still wore him down like a heavy burden on his shoulder. When Thanos approached him Loki tried to gather all magic left inside of him for an attack. Loki didn’t care who he was or what he might do to him. He pulled him from the one place where he had felt safe and secure. His feeble attempt was met by mocking laughter.

Although he seemed amused by Loki’s fight Thanos was displeased by him and offered him to the Chitauri, they should teach him some manners until he was willing to listen. So they tortured him or at least they tried to. Loki welcomed every bit of it. Every cut into his weak flesh, every burn, every stroke was a promise. A promise to bring him back to the place where he came from. He brought up no resistance, giving in easily, hoping his body would succumb soon, so he would come back again. He would make everything better. No pain could be so terrible that he wouldn’t make it go away.

The lack of screams or pleading them to stop made the Chitauri seek out their master, they seemed to never have encountered someone like Loki. He couldn’t be broken, because he already was. Torture didn’t do anything to him, he wanted more of it. Loki had no idea what Thanos told them, but his tormenters changed their strategy. The objects they used to cause him physical pain disappeared and instead they locked him into a dark room, similar to the void. The voices and the pain returned quickly to him, but this time Loki wasn’t falling, he could move. He tore at the walls, pounded against the door, trying to remember poems, spells, songs, anything to keep his mind busy. As if the darkness wasn’t enough, they healed him, treated his wounds, gave him to eat so he would grow stronger again. First Loki refused, so they forced him.

Again he lost the notion of time, trapped in the darkness.

Unworthy. Laufey’s son. Left to die. Skin as cold as a Jotun’s touch. Unworthy.

Once again Loki’s sanity started to leave him, only this time his body remained healthy and strong. He would have to endure this for all eternity. If his body didn’t break, he wouldn’t come for him. After a while Loki couldn’t even scream for him anymore. He was sitting on the floor, covering his ears, because they voices were so loud now they actually hurt him. They were everywhere, replacing everything Loki had ever felt or known, even his wish to get away from them.

It was impossible to tell how much time had passed when the Chitauri opened the door and Loki was brought before Thanos. This time he listened, because he couldn’t go back to this room. Thanos knew about his pain, knew about what hid under his skin, knew what Odin had done. He called it a crime, an act of treachery.

Yes. Yes, this was the truth, wasn’t it? Odin had stolen him, he had left him no chance. Hadn’t he always favoured Thor? No matter how much of a good son Loki had been. Had given the crown to Thor although Loki had always been so much more attentive and smarter. Odin hadn’t given the throne to Thor, because he saw potential in him, but only because he thought Loki unworthy. Because he knew that there was nothing Loki desired more than the throne of Asgard and Thor at his feet. Yes…

The throne? Loki’s memory was clouded. He felt like there was something else, something else he had wanted… There was Thor looking at him with bright, amazed eyes. Flames dancing on his fingertips… Laughter…

Didn’t they all cheer for him, Loki? Not even one of them thinking of you? Even considering you as the king?

No…

Because to them you’d always be the stolen Frost Giant. A monster. A freak that even among monsters nobody would want, so they left it to die. Asgard didn’t think any different about you.

But they didn’t know… Thor…

You parents did, that’s why you were always sloppy second. That’s why they didn’t give you the throne you deserved. The one you wanted more than anything. And what did you get? Thor tossed you into the abyss, your own brother…

Yes…

Odin’s plan didn’t work out, so he threw you away. Never even bothered to look at your greatness, your power, how much better you were than Thor. Than all of them. Left you without a purpose. Left you standing in the shadows while they were cheering Thor’s name. The golden prince bathing in the sun while your skin is made of ice. You were tossed aside, Loki.

Yes, they abandoned him… now he was without family, without friends, without a home, nothing to fill the emptiness…

Do you want a purpose, Loki? I can give you a purpose.

Yes… he wanted a purpose, he wanted power… he wanted… a throne…

 ***

After the green creature had beaten him into the ground Loki felt like waking up from a very long dream. For a moment everything was peacefully silent. No voices in his head and his surroundings lay in complete silence as well. Loki didn’t need to take a look around to know that he had lost. It wasn’t like he cared.

Maybe Thanos would come for him and kill him in a fit of rage.

If Agent Barton had survived the battle, there was also a strong possibility that he would take his revenge and Loki’s life. Humanity as a whole couldn’t be too pleased with him. He had tried to enslave them and now he was defeated. Clearly he was in for a harsh punishment.

Someone was touching his hair, gently running their fingers through it. Immense relief washed over Loki when he felt his presence, but he didn’t dare to open his eyes, because he feared he would just disappear again. “Are you going to take me with you this time?”

The back of a hand brushed over his cheek. “I cannot, Loki.”

Such comforting touch he was longing for and at the same time those words that were crushing him. Loki needed to see his face, since he wouldn’t take him with him.

Opening his eyes didn’t make him disappear. No, he was sitting on the floor, leaning over him, smiling lightly at Loki. For a moment Loki’s body forgot how to breathe, because he was too mesmerized by the figure in front of him. Had the nothingness in the void concealed most of his beauty? Or was this another time that Loki’s memory fooled him?

Grey eyes, so bright and clear that they reminded him of an eagle. Sharp cheekbones that made a beautiful face even more appealing. Round lips that looked soft and were of the loveliest shade of pink. His auburn hair fell into his eyes, framing his face perfectly. Yet he wasn’t just beautiful, but the aura that surrounded him drew Loki to him. He was so calm, even and promised peace. Though his skin was slightly pale it felt so warm.

“Why not?”

He smiled softly at Loki and brushed the tousled hair from his face. “Because it has to be your choice to come with me.”

This didn’t make any sense. There was nothing that Loki wanted more. “I chose to go with you when I let go and fell.”

“A lot has happened since then. Either you aren’t ready or you don’t want it enough.”

Loki didn’t understand, but he knew better than to argue. Instead he tried to reach out for him, but he only grabbed thin air. What a fool he was. Dropping his hand Loki closed his eyes again and waited for the Avengers to come and to do the deed. The voices arrived before them.

***

“I insist on bringing my brother back to Asgard. Instantly. He will be judged there for his crimes against Midgard.”

“Sorry, point break, but I must heavily object. Crimes against Midgard. He stays here and we’ll judge him.”

“Stark, that’s not for you to decide.”

“No, but I am the one who prevented Manhattan from blowing up in a nuclear holocaust, so I got a gold star in being a hero. Keep your parade and the medals, I want to have a say in this. I saw those fucking things in fucking space and there’s more to come. Not today, not tomorrow, but they are for sure pissed off that I blew them up. We don’t know shit about them and I honestly don’t have much of an idea what we do when they come back and we don’t have a key to close the portal. Well, as much as I hate to admit it, the bag of cats knows and therefore he should stay here for a while. Until we’ve found out what we are up against.”

“I fear this is unacceptable. My brother must be…”

“Wait a second. As much as it pains me to admit it, but Stark has a point there. It would be straight up negligence to let him go now. We need to have more information and since he is the only damned survivor of this attack…”

“Hell, we’re not fucking handing him over to his dad who’ll give him a slap on the wrist and that’s about it! He was in my fucking brain! I want him in front of a tribunal on earth!”

“Calm down, Clint. We’re not letting him go.”

“Friends, the All-father will not be pleased if I don’t return…”

“Pleased? Sorry, Thor, but if someone’s allowed to be displeased by this whole fucking thing, it’s Earth. Us!”

Loki listened to them argue, standing just a few feet away and he couldn’t care less. Asgard or Midgard. In the end it would all be the same. Sitting there Loki had his eyes fixed on the Avengers and Fury, though disinterested. His hands were bound together, a muzzle over his mouth, to keep him from killing anyone or from poisoning his guards with his words. If he hadn’t felt so weak and broken, he would have laughed at their attempt to cuff him. Normally they wouldn’t have a chance to keep him from using his magic.

It seemed like Thanos had sucked all magic out of him to keep him in line. Now even ordinary metal was enough to tie the trickster down. Not for long though. Loki already felt his magic returning to him. This was also the reason why Thor urged the Avengers to bring him back to Asgard. He knew very well that they didn’t have the means to lock up a mage like Loki. Then again there was no way Thor had an idea of how fragile Loki was at this very moment. Even a simple illusion wouldn’t be possible right now. Weeks of helplessness lay in front of Loki. Thor probably thought it be a couple of days, at most.

Whatever was going to happen to Loki during the weeks, he would have to accept it. Good thing that he didn’t care.

Democracy celebrated a victory and Thor scowled. Loki was transported to a secret S.H.I.E.L.D base where they tried to intimidate him. Even after Loki trying to take over his world, they still had no idea what fear actually was. They tied him to a platform and left him alone in a room with white walls and a strange mirror.

As always when he was alone the voices got louder and Loki felt the disgusting coldness of his skin. There were tiles on the ceiling and on the walls. Loki could count them, he could imagine drawing lines and patterns on them. He kept his mind busy and it helped to suppress everything else a little bit.

After less than 10 hours Fury entered the room, a grim look on his face, behind him two other guys. Big, stern expressions on their faces, their eyes filled with hatred. So Fury’s intention was to scare him. Loki would have laughed, but he cared even too little to make fun of him. At least Fury got straight to point after telling Loki what a mere piece of shit he was.

“You tell us everything you know about the Chitauri. Every little detail, no matter how unimportant it is. I want to know everything about your alliances. Who. Where. How. You leave nothing out. Did you get that?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

Fury probably expected as much and nodded towards his henchmen. They slowly approached, standing on the left and right side of the platform.

“You do realise that we have certain measure to make you remember things that you might have forgotten.”

The not so hidden threat was followed by a demonstration. Loki couldn’t turn his head far enough to see who of them did it, but a sharp, stinging pain suddenly rushed through his body. Some kind of electric shock, he could tell that much. Even though he was weak and tired Loki barely had to grit his teeth. Fine, he would laugh at that. “You foolish mortal… you want to threaten me with pain? I endured pain you can’t even imagine. You posses neither the tools nor the power to hurt me. The weapons you might use on me will break and if you succeed in making me bleed… believe me, it will rather entertain me than making me beg for mercy. You have nothing on me. So please, get on with it. It will be a wonderful way to pass time.”

Fury desperately tried to not let it show, but Loki saw that he was so angry, he probably wanted to kill Loki. He wasn’t only angry, he believed Loki. “Don’t underestimate the creativity of us mortals.”

This time Loki’s laugh was genuine and he hoped they would finally get to it.

 ***

The mortals didn’t especially enjoy inflicting pain, unlike the Chitauri. Loki didn’t expect and didn’t receive pity, but it was obvious that these soldiers were merely doing their duty. It didn’t last long anyway, so they definitely were smarter than the Chitauri. After half a day they realised that pain was indeed doing nothing to Loki. He even thought hearing one of them muttering something like “Sick bastard’s enjoying it…”

Loki didn’t relish the pain, but it was a means to an end. It kept the voices quiet and distracted him from the other memories. His hope that the mortals would be more brutal than the Chitauri was disappointed. Nothing they could do would be a thread for his life, especially with Thor still being on Midgard.

So after these 12 hours Loki was transferred into another room. This time without cuffs or muzzle. His cell was empty, no window. They called it solitary confinement. It wasn’t bad though as long as there was light and tiles on the ceiling.

After some time Fury showed up again and asked him about the Chitauri and his alliances. Loki remained silent and imagined a painting on the ceiling. He was left alone for a very long time then and since the number of tiles didn’t change Loki grew tired of looking at the same wall over and over again.

Again the voices became so loud he had to cover his ears. It was then he came again to see him. He was standing at the door as if he wanted to show Loki that he could get him out of here in the blink of an eye. He was freedom and beautiful. Alone his presence in the room made everything easier to bare. “Have you made your choice, Loki? Will you come with me?”

Loki wanted to, desperately wanted to, but he didn’t know how.

Somehow Loki must have answered the question, because he somehow disappeared again without saying another word. The cheers and Odin’s voice returned and Loki wished for him to come back.

He didn’t and instead Loki had to face one of the persons he most eagerly didn’t want to see. “You must have pissed them off pretty damn well if they send me in to talk to you, reindeer games.”

Not bothering to look up at Stark Loki kept sitting in a corner. If he ignored him the mortal would soon leave him alone again. “So you’re giving me the silent treatment too. Not very nice of you. Aren’t you bored here? All alone? I would lose my mind if I had nobody to talk to than this stupid wall.”

Unworthy. Laufey’s son.

“Come on, this is no fun, if you don’t say nothing at all! Don’t you get how extraordinary this is that I’m here? Normally they let more sophisticated people do that job.”

Skin as cold as ice.

Stark realised that Loki wasn’t even hearing him, so he left.

When Thor came to see Loki he was lying on the floor, covering his head with his hands, yet nothing was keeping them out. “Brother…”

“Now you’ve come to see me. It took you quite some time.”

“We’re returning to Asgard.”

Unworthy! Laufey’s son!

“Do you remember, Thor? That day when we were just children. When I let the flames dance along my fingers and you looked at them in awe. At what I could do.” Loki opened his eyes to drive away the disapproving look of his father. Instead he saw Thor’s feet, not looking up at him.

His brother’s voice was surprisingly soft when he replied. “Of course, I remember. Back then I still knew who you were.”

“No, you didn’t and neither did I.”

“Loki…”

“Do you remember how father hit me? After I tried to let the flames grow and the fire nearly engulfed me?”

“I will never forget this sight, brother. Sometimes I still wake in the middle of the night and see the flames gnawing on your skin.” A slight tremble in his voice and Loki almost missed it. Why was Thor speaking so lowly and the Warriors three laughing so loudly in his head?

Unworthy. Silver tongue turned to lead.

“But you do remember Odin striking me as soon as I was healed?”

“Yes, I do. Father was upset that you played with your own life. You almost died, Loki. Because we were children and didn’t know better. He was afraid for your life.”

A hoarse chuckle escaped his lips. “I thought so too. For a very long time. Then I realised that he was only worried about the glamour he put on me. I almost destroyed it by having the flames consume me. I almost revealed what was underneath. I would have discovered what I am and he couldn’t have that. He was so angry that he hit a child that had just jumped of his deathbed. There was no affection in this slap.”

Thor kneeled down in front of him, a hand touched Loki’s shoulder and he flinched back as if his brother had hit him. His touch wasn’t pleasantly warm, but hot, almost burning him.

Because Loki’s skin was cold

“Brother, your anger won’t let you see things clearly. Father loves you, he saved your life and now he wants you to return to him.”

“To lock the monster away, never to be seen again. To be forgotten. Laufey’s son.”

Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son

“You are Odin’s son! Like me! You are my brother!”

Thor’s hand reached for his shoulders and Loki violently pushed him away. He curled up in the corner of the room and pressed his hands against his ears as hard as he could.

Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son

“When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all.”

Loki met Thor’s eyes and saw that the dagger had found his target. There was shame written on his face and Thor let go. Thor stood back up and clenched his fingers to a fist. “I… I have to clear with S.H.I.E.L.D the last details about our departure. I will return in a few hours. I want you to be ready when I get back. The All-father awaits us tonight.”

With those words Thor left him alone and Loki bit his lip to prevent himself from screaming. As soon as Thor had said the word ‘Asgard’ Loki felt his mind being torn in all different directions. He couldn’t make out a single word anymore, it was a loud, aching blur, needles that pierced his brain and wouldn’t let him forget, not even a seconds.

Cheering. Unworthy. Frigga crying. Laughing. Unworthy. Skin as cold as ice. Laufey’s son. Unworthy. Unworthy. Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son Laufey’s son

When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all

When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all

When I am king I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all

Monster

Slay them all

Loki screamed and suddenly he was there. Taking Thor’s place and he was the most beautiful sight for sore eyes that Loki could imagine. A breathtaking smile, honest, trustworthy, white teeth and sparkling grey eyes to get lost inside. Soft, slightly curly auburn hair Loki wanted to run his fingers through. He was warm, Loki didn’t need to touch him to know that, but he wanted to. Kiss him, wrap his arms around him and let himself be held. Where no pain, fear and no voice would ever reach him.

If these strong arms held him, he would never have to go back. Asgard would become a distant memory to fade away completely.

Slaythemallslaythemallslaythemall

The soft, warm hand caressed his cheek and Loki let out a sob as the voices finally subsided. Sweet silence engulfed him and there was comfort in the other’s smile. Letting him breathe and think clearly. Loki could be Loki again.

“You have made your choice, Loki.” His tone was reassuring and… happy. There was desire in his beautiful grey eyes and something Loki didn’t have the words to describe, so he settled for love. “Come with me.”

Yes…

“I don’t know how… I’m still too weak…” It didn’t matter that he spoke out loud, he didn’t care if someone heard him.

A thumb ran over his lips and Loki let out a shaky breath while Thor’s threat about going back to Asgard was washed away. Nothing had ever sounded as lovely as his voice. “Yes, you know, Loki. You knew all along.”

He was right and Loki leaned forward, resting his forehead against the other one’s. Loki could feel his breath on his skin and a hand curled around the back of neck. It was peaceful and Loki would never leave again.

Closing his eyes Loki stopped fighting for the first time since he had learned about it. Instead he went searching for it. Only once, only this time, then everything would be over. There was coldness, Loki’s instincts shied away from it, but he forced himself to keep going. Fingers tenderly stroked the back of his neck and sweet sounding words were whispered into his ear. “Come with me, Loki.”

He found it.

The door of his cell was opened and Loki felt the coldness rushing into his right palm. The ice felt disgusting and wrong against his skin and yet it was his salvation.

“Fuck, get Thor here now!”

“Loki, don’t…”

“Come with me. I will make them go away.”

Tilting his head slightly upwards Loki closed his fingers tightly around the dagger before ramming it directly into his exposed carotid artery. Blood surged from the cut, painting the floor and wall while Loki fell forwards right into the arms of the other one and into darkness. A relieved smile on his lips.