"What the fuck are you thinking Taylor? What about us? Hanson? Do you not even care anymore?" Zac screamed before throwing a book at me.
Even though it had been nearly a month since it happened, I could still feel the cold stabbing pains as I did when Zac had first said them. How could someone, my own brother even, want to say those things?
"How do you expect to explain this to Ezra, Tay? He's barely even 8 years old!"
Zac had a point, I mean, how do I explain that to him? Sighing, I stood up and fixed my skirt, rubbing my face as I walked into the bedroom where my children were sleeping. We were currently in a quaint fixer-upper, and until everything was done, the children were sharing a room. Ezra was quite fine with this, in fact, he enjoyed helping his mother and I take care of his siblings.
Padding my way down the hallway, I smiled softly as I watched my wife ... (would I still be able to call her that?) .... sleep peacefully. She has been one of the few pillars I've needed to keep my head above water.
Zac's words continued to sting as I climbed into bed with her, wrapping my arms around her lithe frame, rubbing her stomach, carrying our fourth and fifth children. Twins, we heard earlier, and while we couldn't be happier, we were still worried. Natalie's family had a history of problems when it came to carrying twins to term. I swallowed hard and looked at her as her eyes opened and she smiled softly.
"Does it still hurt?" She whispered, running a fingertip over the spot in my chest where the book had hit me. I shook my head and kissed her lips gently. It didn't hurt in the physical sense, it just ... hurt. How does that work?
I wrapped my arms around her and whispered soft words of love and caring into her ear and hair as I felt her drift into sleep. Zac ... was right...
How do you tell your son that his daddy is ... a girl?
I found out about Taylor ... in an intresting way. I had gone to pick him up while en route to the studio, but he wasn't waiting outside like normal. Thinking he was still stuck in the shower or cooing over his children, I parked and headed upstairs. Sending a soft smile and gentle peck on the cheek to my sister in law, I headed to the bedroom at her direction, only to find Taylor in the process of changing.
Now, as we're brothers, thats nothing new, we've seen each other in various states of undress, but this ... well. Wearing nothing but a pair of frilly panties and long stockings, I had to choke back a laugh. Taylor heard me, turned around and blushed and ushered me out of the room while he finished changing. I looked at Natalie curiously, and she just smiled and shrugged, and continued to make lunch for the kids. Ezra, ever the smart one, was already working on his homework.
Twenty minutes and two strong cups of coffee later, we were on our way. The ride was silent, except for the soft drizzle of the rain hitting the roof of the car. Taylor, now dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, bit on his fingernails while he was watching out the window.
We arrived at the studio before Zac, a new occurence, as Zac was usually the one there waiting on us pissed because we took so long. Taylor went over to the mini fridge we always had there, and pulled out two ginger ales, and tossed one to me. Sipping it slowly, I watched him.
"Ike ... I think I need to explain ..." He started softly, looking smaller, scared. I looked at him curiously. "Uh .... how do I say this ..."
"Take your time, Tay."
"Have you ever ... felt as though you were ... trapped?" He asked, a soft blush creeping upon his face.
"What do you mean?" I asked him, worried that he was talking about Natalie and the kids. He couldn't mean that, could he?
"I ... sometimes, I feel as though I'm a girl, trapped in a boys body ..."
I blinked a bit, processing it. "That explains the frilly panties, then." Taylor nodded and ran a hand through his hair. "So, what makes you think this?"
We talked for about two hours before Zac showed up, looking as though he was hit by a mack truck. "Everything okay?" I asked him.
"How about we not talk about it, aight?" Zac grumbled, taking a spot behind the drums. Today we were planning on working drum loops and most of Zac's stuff.
The rest of the day was rather uneventful, to say the least
That is ... until Zac found out about Taylor and his plan ...
When I found out about Taylor ... I was beyond pissed. Staring at him, I tried to figure out his reasoning. Did something happen to him when we were younger? Was he sick? Had he turned away from God?
We were all in the living room of Taylor and Natalie's condo, Taylor in a light blue sundress that made me angry to see him in. "Dammit Taylor, you're a boy, not a girl! You shouldn't be wearing a dress!"
Taylor looked up at me, his eyes on the verge of overflowing with tears. "Why can't you understand, Zac? This is who I am. I'm still Taylor ... I just ... I'm going to have different parts."
"Are you turning away from God? You know He made you in His image, right?" I asked him, shaking hard.
"Maybe ... God wants me to be happy, therefore, He won't be mad if I do this..." Taylor said softly, sipping the tea in the coffee cup that Natalie had set down in front of him.
"And you, how the hell can you let him do this?" I yelled at her, getting in her face. Natalie, stood her ground and glared at me.
"Maybe, instead of trying to place the blame, you should talk to your brother, and understand where he is coming from." She told me, and I could just about feel the venom in her voice. I stepped back a bit, but continued to glare at her.
Taylor cleared his throat, and I looked at him. "God created you in His image, Taylor. If He had wanted you to be a girl, He would have MADE you that way!" Taylor just sighed and stared into his tea cup. Staring at him, sitting there, vulnerable like that, I never felt more like hitting my brother more than that moment.
So I did.
If it wasn't for the fact that Natalie and Isaac both had to pull me off of him, I'm sure that I would have killed him. I most likely wouldn't have stopped until he had stopped crying out in pain.
Seeing the glares from my brother and my sister in law, I turned on my heel and left, slamming the heavy oak door behind me.
When Taylor told me, I have to be honest with you, I wasn't surprised. There was just ... something about him that subtly whispered that things weren't quite all there with him. But, I loved him for him, not because of what his genitalia was.
There were days, that Taylor wanted to go out to do normal things, without having to worry about the hordes of fan stalking him, and so, I'd assist him and dress him up in some of my more ... gender neutral clothing. I'd fix his hair all pretty, put basic make up on him, and unless one knew him extremely well, they wouldn't have known it was him.
Ezra thought it was all in fun, we pretended that 'daddy is confused, he thinks it's Halloween', which amused Ezra, at least.
But, after a while, it seemed that Taylor wanted more. And so, when he sat me down, I was half expecting the conversation, but I know that I surprised him as well.
"Babe?" I heard him whisper as he wrapped his arms around my waist. He had just gotten out of the shower and I could smell his slightly fruity body wash and shampoo mix into his own personal scent. "Can we talk?"
"Of course sweetie," I told him, pulling away long enough to set up the oven for dinner. Turning around, I watched as he nervously sat down at the table, and gently, I followed suit.
"I feel trapped." He started, and I could feel my heart tightening in my chest. Did he mean that he felt trapped with me? The kids? The band? He must have seen the look on my face because he had quickly looked at the table. "No, no sweetie, not with you, I love you with my heart and soul. I just ..."
"Does this have to do with you liking my clothing?" I edged gently into the subject. He nodded gently and looked upon the verge of tears. I got up and sat in his lap gently, hugging him closely as he explained how he felt to me.
"Isaac got me information ... on surgery..." He whispered. I hadn't expected that much. I had expected the cross dressing part, but not the whole surgery thing. I took a deep breath, and looked at him. Would I still love him if he was a girl?
I knew that I would love him, no matter what he looked like.
"Sweetie?" I heard him ask.
"Now, you're not going to get a bigger chest than me, are you?" I asked him, half serious, half joking, trying to gauge his reaction.
His reaction, was one of initial confusion, then a smile. "I don't know babe, would I look good with double ds?" He asked him, giggling softly.
"As long as you're happy in your own skin Tay, I will love you, dangly bits or not. Just ... I think you should research everything for about a year, and go from there. No matter what your decision is, I will support you."
Taylor smiled wide, his first big smile I'd seen all day, and hugged me tightly.
Somehow, I knew that things were going to work out rather well.
Sitting in the office of the plastic surgeon with Natalie, I listened to all of the pro's and con's when it came to making the decision to go from male to female. I knew that I'd have to think about it for a year before I made my decision, as it would affect me for the rest of my life.
I had talked to my parents about it, and, to my great surprise, they had the same reactions as Isaac. My mother was supportive, and told me that as long as I was happy, they'd love me. My dad, a little on Zac's side, understood where I was coming from, and had commented about how it all "finally made sense".
Zac still hated me, although he did bring up a few valid points. How would the fans take it? Would they still be there? I know many of them say that they're there for the music, but how many of them would turn their backs on us when they find out? I don't want to be the reason that my brothers end up giving up on their dreams.
And Ezra, Penny and River, ... how could I explain that to them? How do I explain to them that their daddy is more like their mommy? Natalie and I discussed that, coming to the conclusion that I could still wear my normal clothes, and just use the dresses when I need to 'hide'.
I knew that I wasn't planning on getting a huge chest, maybe half a cup larger than I already was, but with the clothes I wear already, I could probably get away without wearing the proper undergarments. And Natalie and I already share some clothes, so why not?
Then there was Natalie. Sure she's okay with the idea now, but will she be later when I actually get it? Would that turn her, and me? into lesbians? Would our marriage still be legal and we could still keep our children? How could we have more children after this? It has always been our mutual dream to have a lot of children.
It was a lot to process in one day, and so, when we went home, I curled up on the couch, and took a nap, hoping that when I woke up, things would be easier to think about.
They say a mother knows things. So, when Taylor came to me to tell me that he felt as though he was a female trapped in a males body, I wasn't completely surprised. Growing up, Taylor always did a lot of things that could have easily reminded anyone of a very ... tomboyish female, but with a bit of a girly side.
Most children like to play dress up in their parents clothes, pretending to be various adult careers. Until the boys started up their music career, Taylor did just that, sometimes to both the amusement and horror of Walker, taking one of Walkers dress shirts, a belt and a pair of dress shoes. He couldn't have been more than four or five years old, and he had come out during a dinner party that we were hosting for some of Walker's co workers and a hopeful new business partners. Most of them, who hadn't seen any of our children, had thought it was a little girl, and had I not known my own son, I would have thought it as well.
Walker was terrified, to the point that he at first tried to make sure that Taylor, as well as Zac and Isaac, had gotten into sports and other "boy" things. I'm not sure what he was worried about, as Taylor soon grew out of the dress up stage, or so we thought.
When Taylor was fourteen, it was right after we had gotten back from Los Angeles, I was gathering clothing up from the boys' room, to wash it up before we started on the promo tour, when I found a pair of ladies underwear. Pretending I didn't see them, I washed them and hid them in the laundry room until I could talk to Walker about it. We sat the boys down, and asked them if they had had a ... 'lady friend' stay over.
Isaac fidgeted, Taylor looked like a deer in headlights, and Zac was ... well. Zac was your average 11 year old. He still felt as though girls were "icky".
Excusing Zac to get ready for bed, we talked with Taylor and Isaac. More like, reminded them of their upbringing, and told them if they needed to talk, we were there for them.
If I had known then, what I know now, I think we could have avoided that ... rather interesting conversation.
I waited with Natalie outside of the plastic surgeon. The kids were all in school, so there was no worries there, and if need be, my mom could head over to the house and pick them up if there were any complications. Taylor actually had taken two years do decide on this, and I know it worried him that we were going to leave him when he needed us most.
Natalie and I were the two most supportive people he had, and he needed us like a young child needed their security blanket. It was hard for him, for us, too, but with the family therapy we've all been going through, all of us, except the children, that is, things were slowly getting back to where they were.
Taylor had gone into surgery at six in the morning, and it was nearing noon. Natalie and I took turns pacing the waiting room, napping, and doing random word puzzles. I don't think either of us had realised that this was as long of a surgery as it was. Hit with the most random thought, I started giggling, earning a confused look from my sister in law. Leaning over, I told her I had a really strange thought.
"Strange? Ike, my husband is becoming a girl, how strange can it be?" She asked, a perfectly shaped eyebrow raised.
"Well, it's a strange thought because it's my brother I'm thinking about. I was wondering, for whatever dumb reason my brain came up with ... if the two of you ever used that gag gift that Kate had got you ... the one that makes a wax replica of his .. uh ... ding a ling?"
Natalie looked at me for a few moments, looked away, took a sip of water, then nearly spit it across the room as she began to laugh as well, leaning against me for support as we both laughed at the thought. "I.. actually, we did. We were going to use it as a gag gift back at Kate, but... that never worked out."
"Yea. Taylor thought it would be kinda freaky if we did it, and he thought Zac would get jealous if he thought Kate was playing with a toy more than him," She grinned, taking another sip of her water.
"Well, if I can be perfectly blunt here ... after Taylor becomes ... whatever ... at least his dick is still around to play with." I said, half amused, half weirded out at the fact that I had thought about my brother ... soon to be sister ... in that way.
"Yea, that was the thought," Natalie said with a giggle. I looked at her and she continued to giggle and blushed as she tried to contain her giggles. When she finally calmed down, I shook my head and looked around the still empty waiting room. "Did Taylor tell you how we still planned on having kids?" She asked softly.
"Yea. He said something about going and getting about eight million donations frozen or something." I replied, leaning back on the couch. At least this waiting room had more than just hard chairs.
"Yea. We still wanted more children, but we wasn't sure when. After Kayla and Micheal were born, we wanted to wait a bit, given the trouble we had with them."
Natalie, like the other women in her family, had always had trouble carrying twins full to term, most of the time, they had either ended up disabled, or stillborn completely. However, there were only minor difficulties resulting in her having to have a c-section about a month and a half before they were born. Still healthy, just a bit underweight from being born early, the children were fine.
I think that part of Taylor's reasoning for waiting on surgery was to make sure that Natalie could handle things when he was still recovering. I assured him that I would be there if needed, and not to worry so much.
Natalie is one of the strongest women I've met, and living in a family as large as mine, one would think that I've met many, but none that have been as strong as her, so it actually came to me as a surprise when she whispered the two most unexpected words to me.
At first, I wasn't sure I heard her right.
"Scared?" I asked her, looking at her. She nodded, wrapping her arms around me.
"What if Taylor decides that he's miserable as a girl? Or that he doesn't want me, or the kids anymore? I'm terrified that everything he reassured me wouldn't happen ... will happen..."
I had to say, I hadn't expected that to happen. And I told her so. Taylor is a man of his word, and what he says, goes, more or less. "If Taylor says he's always going to love you, always going to need you and the kids in his life, then he's always going to love you, need you, want you and those kids in his life. You know him better than anyone else Nat, you know in your heart that it's true."
"I know, Ike, but still ... sometimes, I'm scared."
And to be honest with you, so was I.
Things ... were different, to say the least. When I woke up from surgery, I wasn't surprised to see Natalie and Isaac there, both of them my biggest supporters. They said that it would be a few weeks before I would start to get feeling again, as it was healing. I can't bring myself to refer to myself as a girl, not just yet, even with the body parts.
Coming home, things were ... interesting, to say the least. A couple days before my surgery, I sat down with Ezra and explained, to a point, that for the most part, I'm still going to look the same, but I was still going to be different. For a ten year old, he got the main gist of things, but I left out exactly what was going to happen to me, for until he was older.
About a month after my surgery, Natalie had gone all out in decorating the house for a party, although I told her it appeared as though I left home or something of the sort. She laughed, smacked me upside the head and went to be a good hostess as a number of our friends and family came over to talk to me.
My parents were there, still looking a bit uneasy with everything, but once I finally came out in the dress that Natalie had bought me, looking as natural as anything, they finally eased up. I felt happier, I felt .... like me. I didn't feel as though I was a girl trapped in a boys body anymore, I felt almost normal...
That first night with Natalie ... was like nothing either of us had experienced. We weren't expecting fireworks, as ... well .. different parts, now? But things went pretty good, at least I thought so. I knew in that moment that I knew I had chosen the right person for my soul mate. She was everything I could have ever wanted in a wife.
Zac ... still hadn't come around, even though it had been just over two years for him, and others, to get used to the idea. I was starting to give up hope on ever having any kind of relationship with my brother when fate decided to throw a curve ball in our general direction.
I was laying on the bed, fast asleep and curled up with Natalie as my cell phone rang. Not bothering to look at who was calling, as only friends and family had that number, and only certain numbers *could* call it, I just opened it up and pressed it to my ear, not even bothering to open my eyes.
"'lo?" I whispered out, not wanting to wake up Natalie. At first, all I heard on the other end was some labored breathing. "Is anyone there?" I asked softly, pulling from Natalie and sitting up, placing my daisy printed socked feet on the cold floor. The breathing continued, and I looked at the screen, and noticed that it said "Zac's Cell" on it. Frowning a bit, I stood up and walked into the other room, still listening to the sounds on the phone.
"Zac?" It felt almost weird to say his name again. It had been nearly three years since he stopped talking to me outside of band stuff, and I did everything I could to not talk about him, unless I had to. "Zac, this isn't funny. If you're getting it on with Kate, at least have the decency to hang u..."
"Help me" came a soft raspy voice, interupting me. Blinking a few times, I waited to see if the voice would say anything else. "Help me, please..."
"Zac? What's going on? ... This is Zac, right? If it isn't, what the hell did you do to my brother..."
"It is me ... Tay .. help me ...." and with that, the line went dead. Swallowing hard, I hurried upstairs and started to get dressed in the dark. I went for jeans and a tee shirt, figuring it would be the easiest, scribbled a quick note for Natalie, and headed out.
Even though Zac and I hadn't spoken in years, with the exception of band stuff, of course ... he's still my younger brother, and I would still drop everything to help him. So when I arrived at his house ... my fear elevated as I went from room to room, trying to find him.
Each room was in a bigger dissarray than the one before it, which is completely unlike Zac, who years ago Isaac and I had dubbed the 'resident neat freak'. Hesitating a bit before entering his room, I listened to make sure that I wasn't about to walk in on something that one would normally find in a really bad porn.
Opening the door ... I found Zac sprawled out on the floor, covered in what looked like blood and vomit. Resisting the urge to throw up myself, I rushed over to him and gently lifted him up, looking to see if there were any other signs of a struggle, then looked around the room to see if anyone had broken in.
When I couldn't find anything else, I held Zac in my arms, and felt around for a pulse. It was faint, but it was there. Doing my best to keep from freaking out and doing something that wouldn't help at all, I called for an ambulance, and waited there, crying and holding my baby brother, and hoped it wasn't for the last time.
When Taylor first told me about ... everything, I flipped, naturally. And as time went by, I talked to him less and less, until the only time I talked to him, was because of band things. If the fans had noticed, I didn't care, it was between us, not them.
As cliche as it sounds ... I started with the pot to try and forget what was going on, or, to at least try to bring myself to care. It worked for a while, then I tried something else. What, I can't tell you as I've done so much in three years that I'm lucky to remember what happened last week. You name it, there is a really good chance I did it at least once. I just needed something to numb me so I wouldn't feel the building hate bubbling in my stomach.
Taylor, I noticed, before the surgery, did everything in his power to talk to me, and make things right. But, I shut him out. I shut everyone out, and so it was inevitable that even my wife would leave. Whether it was from the drug use, the fact that I was ignoring everyone, or a combination of that and other things, I don't know. That's in her head, and a place that I never understood.
One night ... I had enough. I wanted to get help, although I didn't decide that I wanted to get help until after I had my 'usual' amount in one night. Stumbling, I went to the fridge to try and find something to sober myself up. Instead, the glass bottle of vodka slipped from my hands as I was holding it out of the way and shattered on the cold tile floor, startling me and making me fall on the broken glass.
Gasping in pain I got up and went back to my room, undoubtedly bleeding over the tan carpet. I called the first number that came up on my cell phone, which happened to be Taylor's cell phone. "Help me" I gasped out as I fell down in pain on my floor. "Please, help me," are the last things I remember saying before I passed out.
I waited outside of Zac's room as the doctors did what they could to save him. They had to pump his stomach, from what I could recall them telling me, and so, I paced. I had called mom and dad, and Isaac, but they wouldn't be able to arrive until morning, which was understandable, but hard to comprehend at the same time.
When I was finally able to go in, he looked terrible. He had cuts and bruises all over his body, and you could see a number of his bones through his skin. People over the years had joked that I was the anorexic one, but if they were to look at Zac now, then I know they would think the same about him.
Sitting in the chair next to his bed, I took his hand. I didn't care that he hadn't talked to me in years, he's my baby brother, I have to be there for him. Zac didn't stir, and the nurse who had come in to check his vitals had said that he was currently in a coma like state, but will wake up when his body felt it was time to do so. Sighing softly in defeat, I stayed with him for nearly three weeks straight, only leaving when I had to.
Natalie understood, and I loved her more for that. She came in every day to check on me, check on Zac, and to stay with Zac when I had to leave. She gave me warnings when she thought that some fans had snuck in to see him, as it had been on the news that he was found the way he was.
Our parents came and went at times, as did our siblings, my children and other close family and friends. I was the only one who was there most of the time. And so, I was the one there when the unexpected happened.
I didn't leave Zac's side when the paramedics came, nor did I leave when he was rushed to the emergency room and I was told that he had overdosed on heroin and alcohol. Feeling my stomach drop, I looked at Zac's form as he slept in the bed with what looked like a few thousand IVs in his skin. Shaking, I sat in the bed next to him and held his hand, worried. Even though Zac was in a coma, I refused to leave his side.
When the doctors made me leave the room, I took that chance to call everyone, and soon, everyone minus Zoe was in the waiting room with me. Zoe was watching the kids for us, because we knew they wouldn't be allowed in the ICU. I never left his side, not once, when it wasn't visiting hours, I stayed in the waiting room. Natalie would bring me things from the cafeteria to eat, but I didn't want to eat. All I wanted was my brother back. I missed him, so much that it hurt. Natalie knew of the minor past that Zac and I shared ... the lonely nights alone on the bus and the way we'd make each other feel needed, wanted. She understood and didn't hold it against us. I wonder, deep down, if that's why Zac hated me so much.
Zac was in the coma for nearly three months, while his body was clean from what we found out was years of using, his mind was in another world it seemed. The fans sent letters and gifts at first, then we told them that we would rather them donate to charity, as they would get more use out of it than we ever would.
I was there when Zac woke up, and the look on his face was heartbreaking.
When I woke up ... I wasn't expecting to see Taylor sitting there, looking as though he hadn't slept in ... well, ever. My body felt drained and as though it had been through one of those old time washing machines. There were wires and tubes everywhere, and I couldn't tell where my body stopped and the tubes started. I couldn't remember anything about the last few months. Years even.
I started using again the day after Taylor told us about his ... condition. I needed to escape. First it was just alcohol ... then that wasn't enough to deaden the pain. One of our backup guys got me back into pot, and I was using both of them to the point that I couldn't tell you anything, from what time of day it was, to what color the sky was.
I got into the heroin quite on accident, but I didn't care that it was highly illegal, everything going through my brain was illegal at that point, with the secret crushes and the former bathroom flings. It helped me to forget that everything I had ever had or wanted, would never, ever come to be a fact in my life. I had to learn to deal with the fact that what I had hoped would make me happy, would never see me the same way.
Kate, who was once my pillar of strength, left me in the dead of night, and left me with nothing but a handful of pain pills, a fifth of vodka and my stash of heroin. I did them all in a quick succession, and in a slight panic, called Taylor, not caring that he was probably asleep at that point, I just wanted to to talk to the person who used to be my best friend.
"Help ... me ..." I whimpered out, my throat trying to close up. "Help ... me ... please," I gasped out before I fell and the phone battery popped out when it hit the nearby table. I was vaguely aware of Taylor coming in and freaking out ... but it, plus the last two years of my life, were all a blur.
Looking at Taylor, I said the first thing that came to mind. "This is all your fucking fault, you fucking beautiful fucker."
I looked at Zac confused. "What do you mean?" I asked him. How was it my fault?. A million things ran though my head as I watched him.
"Do you remember ... what we used to do?" He asked me with the calmness of explaining to a child that two plus two equaled four. I thought about it for a moment, then remembered. Looking at him, I swallowed.
"You know why we had to stop it, Zac ... We could have gotten into a lot of trouble ..." I bit my lip and looked at him. We both didn't want to stop, but I wasn't wanting to risk our career, our lives over this. I had thought that Zac felt the same about it.
"We could have kept it a secret Taylor! ...." Zac was shaking at this point, and his cheeks were wet with the freshly shed tears. "I loved you Taylor .... I didn't care that we couldn't be together like boyfriends or anything ... I ... I just didn't want to lose you!"
"Wh.. What do you mean?" I asked him. Zac wasn't making any real sense.
"Just forget it ..." Zac sighed, looking away. Instead, I went over to him and kissed him gently, pulling back when I felt him tense up.
"Natalie knew ... " I told him. It was true. Natalie knew about our little "trysts" when she wasn't able to tour with us. She said that as long as we were careful, we could continue. But, there were too many close calls, and we had to call it off. "Zackie ..." I started, taking his hand. "I didn't want to run the risk of losing you because someone found out ... It killed me not to be with you ..." Zac looked at me with a mix of regret and sadness.
"I hated not having you with me ... even if we just cuddled on the couch to watch Star Wars.." He told me, not once letting go of my hand. It broke my heart to look at him. "That's why I started the drugs ... I wanted to forget." I sighed and kissed his hand.
"I'm going to make you a promise ... if you get better ... we... it might not be everything we had before ... but I'll do my best to be close to you again." Zac looked at me and nodded slowly before sighing. I leaned in carefully and hugged him, wanting to make him feel better.
What we didn't realize, was who was standing in the doorway, watching us.
I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to walk into my younger brother's hospital room to find him kissing our sibling. They pulled apart, but didn't notice me, so I stayed quiet to see what I was apparently missing.
"I promise," Taylor whispered, shaking slightly. "You get better ... we can start it again .. Maybe not to the amount we had before ... but a little bit at a time, okay?" I heard a sniffle, but couldn't tell who was crying, Taylor or Zac.
"I promise, Tay. I... I'm so sorry," Zac whimpered out, his hands clutching Taylor's for dear life. It was heartbreaking to see, but I was glad that Zac was out of his coma. He didn't realize just yet just how much it hurt all of us that he would do such a thing.
Taylor was always the more ... adventurous of the three of us. When he was eighteen, he tried heroin himself. Only once, and he swore he wouldn't do it again. And he stuck to his word. That's not to say that was the only drug he had done. He used to do coke rather heavily, but thankfully, because of Zac, he stopped. Zac didn't seem the type to do drugs though. A little weed now and then is one thing, but nothing heavier than that.
They pulled apart after a gentle kiss from Taylor to Zac, and looked up, seeing me. "Don't let me bother you .... I ... I just wanted to check up on him." I stammered a bit. I knew they were always rather close, but this was almost too much to handle. Turning on my heel, I went back into the waiting room until Taylor came out, and cuddled with Natalie. Then I went back into Zac's room, looking at him.
"How ... how long were you there?" He asked me, his voice slightly raspy.
"Not very long ... I only saw your promises to each other ..." I sat down on the side of the bed and took Zac's hand in mine. "How ... how long had you and Taylor been like that?" I asked him, unable to really state what I saw.
"We did it mostly when we were younger, on tour. It was safer to be with each other than it was to pick up random fans to sleep with. We didn't really have sex, Ike... usually it was no more than a hand job here, a blow job there ... or just a make out session to relieve tension."
I breathed a sigh of relieve. I understood where he was coming from on it, I had once or twice done the same with a friend of mine I had brought on tour. "I see," I stated, not wanting to say more about my own past. "A... are you still?" I asked him warily, unsure.
Zac shook his head. "We haven't since before the surgery... Like, right around the time it was announced that he was going to be a she..." Zac looked upset, and looked out the window. It was a dreary day, full of rain and clouds. "At one point, I had thought I was falling for him ... then all of this happened ... and I couldn't handle it."
"Does Taylor know?" I asked, thinking that if she didn't know now, she needed to. "I mean, I think she should know ... you're her baby brother too, you know." God it felt weird to still refer to my younger brother as a she.
Zac shook his head again. "Not yet. I ... I can't tell her, at least not yet ... Not until I know she won't hate me."
"I... why would I hate you, Zac?" Came Taylor's voice from the doorway. We hadn't heard her come back into the room. I got up and moved so that Taylor could move closer again. "You're one of my best friends ... I could never hate you..."
I didn't listen to the rest of the conversation, I felt it wasn't my place, and so I went back into the waiting room to await the arrival of the rest of our family.
I stayed true to my words, and Taylor stayed to hers. As I slowly got better, Taylor came around more and more, until it was to the point that she was sneaking out to see me.
Unfortunately, we discovered that Natalie really wasn't as supportive as she was before, and they had fought more and more each day, until it got to the point that Taylor was on the verge of getting divorce papers drawn up.
I told him, that I would be there for her if it ever came to the divorce. That I would probably be a better parent than Natalie was. That's not to say that she wasn't good at the beginning. But, Taylor is really good at faking happy when the time calls for it. Taylor only did what she thought was right. But, if it meant her to be miserable ... I couldn't stand it.
Taylor was hanging out at my apartment, a place that she and the kids were at more and more, and I was trying to keep him happy as she had discovered plans that Natalie was trying to get pregnant again to keep her with her.
"I'm close to just calling the place that we have the sperm frozen ... and have them dispose of them, you know?" Taylor sighed, leaning into me. I was rubbing her back, amazed at how close we had become once again. Isaac had once joked that we were so close that it was like we were married. If only he knew.
Trying to make a really bad joke, I looked at him. "But how could we have kids... if you did that?" Taylor looked at me, oblivious to the joke. Sighing, I held her close and kissed her head. Taylor sighed and cuddled with me, watching as the kids watched something on tv. It was going to be a long weekend, I'm sure
"C... Can I see you topless?" Zac asked me suddenly out of nowhere, making me nearly drop the sushi I was holding precariously between the chopsticks. We were at home and watching a special on Star Wars. Looking at him with wide eyes, I finished the bite in my mouth before replying.
"Wait, what?" I asked him, setting my plate on the coffee table. "You want to see me topless?" He nodded slowly. In the past two months since we reconciled, Zac and I had gotten closer than close, to the point that once both of our divorces were final, we moved with each other, and my kids. Natalie didn't want the children, and signed full custody to me. Not that Zac or I minded, we loved the children, and Zac practically felt as though they were his own.
Zac ran a hand through his hair. It was getting longer now, and it was in this shag that just looked ... amazing on him. "I'm sorry Tay ... " Zac said softly, standing up and walking out of the room. I sighed and got up, following him. Zac turned back around and looked at me with tearful eyes. "I... I just wanted to see if you were still beautiful..."
I could feel my heart breaking at the mere tone of his voice, and I quickly wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. Zac hugged me tightly, and I rubbed his back, taking in the scent of his shampoo and body wash. We stayed like that for a few moments before he pulled back, rubbing his face. "D.. do you really want to see?" I whispered, fingering the button on my blouse.
Zac nodded and we went into my bedroom. Even though we were living together, and still made out occasionally, we still had separate bedrooms, as we wanted to take things slowly. I wasn't worried about the children running in on us, as they were very involved in some spongebob movie. With shaky hands, I undid the buttons on my blouse and took it off, placing it on the desk and looking back as I reached around with relative ease to undo the snaps on my bra.
Zac's eyes stayed on me, never wavering as I took off the bra, and he finally got to look at my breasts. They weren't huge, by any means, but they weren't tiny either. Letting out a soft gasp before I realized what was happening, I watched as Zac gently cupped them in his hands, stroking gently with his fingertips.
"A perfect fit.." He whispered, still carefully stroking the skin of my breasts. I bit my lip as he continued to play with them, twisting the nipples gently, sending shockwaves through my thin frame. Pulling back, I crossed my arms over my chest, biting my lips. I was afraid that if I didn't stop it then ... it would go much farther than I felt ready to go.
Zac nodded as though he understood what I was thinking, and he quickly walked out of the room. Soon after, I heard his car start, and the unmistakeable sounds of his car squealing out of the driveway, and down the street, going to who knows where.
I just drove around the greater Tulsa area, not caring where I went, as long as it got my mind off of Taylor. Not that it worked, per se, but dammit if I didn't try at least. I kept driving until the gas gauge reached the big shiny 'E' and, not wanting to ruin anything in the car, I grumbled a bit, and pulled into the first station I came to.
Biting my lip when I noticed it was the same one that we always stopped at on our way out of Tulsa, I let my mind wander as I set up the pump and let the tank fill up. This was the same gas station that Taylor had given me my first kiss, the kiss that also started this whole mess. Looking around the grounds, I was the only one there, aside from the register monkey in the building.
Jumping as I heard the pump stop itself, I adjusted it a bit, putting just enough in to make my total an even amount, then headed inside to pay. Nodding at the sleepy looking teen at the register, I headed to the back and grabbed a can of red bull, then after half a second of thought, some vodka as well, feeling the twinge of pain as I remembered it was practically Taylor's drink of choice. Paying for them, and the gas, I thought about going home, but feeling as though I couldn't face Taylor again, at least, not yet, I headed to Isaac's.
"Zac? What the hell are you doing here at this hour?" Isaac asked as he opened up the door to his quaint house, clad in only a pair of garish blue pajama pants and a robe. Shrugging I waited a bit before he let me in, and I sat on his couch. Looking at me curiously, he just waited for me to speak. I could hear Nikki in the other room, calming a fussy Everett.
"I ... I just had to get out of there for a little while." I told him, plain and simple. Isaac sat down next to me and rubbed my back.
"She's worried sick about you, Zac. Tay's only called me like eighty billion times..." Isaac told me, watching me. I shrugged it off again and took another gulp out of my bottle. I had mixed the vodka and the red bull in the bottle before I left the gas station, and had been drinking it ever since.
I wasn't drunk in any sense of the term, but that didn't stop me from telling Isaac everything. He didn't judge me, which undoubtedly my favorite part of my oldest brother. He sat there, silent for a moment after I finished talking.
"Is that all? Shit, Zac, if you don't love her ... then I'm a monkeys uncle." I couldn't help it, I laughed. Probably harder than I should have, but it was hilarious to my slightly tipsy brain. "What?" he asked, apparently not getting the joke.
"Did you just call your niece and nephews monkeys?" I asked him, still laughing. It finally dawned on him what he said, and we shared a laugh before we calmed down.
"Seriously Zac ... I honestly think that she loves you more than she loved Natalie ... I wouldn't be surprised if she did." Somehow, just that simple statement made the most sense. And as Isaac wouldn't let me go anywhere in my nearly drunk state by the time our conversation was over, I laid on the couch, and thought about both me and Taylor, and what we may become.
And then I got horny and had to fix that, and so I hid in the bathroom as I relieved some stress, texted a quick 'I'm sorry' to Taylor, put my phone on silent so I couldn't hear it, and fell asleep.
Zac stayed out all night, not returning my calls, or even anyone elses. Naturally, I was worried, but I busied myself by taking care of the kids. After feeding them and getting them settled in bed, I fixed myself a strong glass of vodka redbull, and slipped outside to the porch, watching the sky and the occasional car that drove by.
I admit, I was waiting for Zac's car to pull back into the driveway, but somehow, I knew he wouldn't be back before morning. It was oddly calm, despite my nerves being a wreck. I felt as though it was only a matter of time before something happened.
I had apparently fallen asleep for the next thing I knew, Zac was sitting next to me, it was daylight, and he was kissing along my neck and wrapping his arms around me. I looked at him, biting my lip.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his deep caramel eyes looking into my own blue ones. I nodded gently and kissed him gently, both of us trembling gently. "I was scared... of what might have happened if I didn't pull back when I did ..." I stopped his rambling by kissing him again. I knew where he was coming from, and I wasn't going to do anything about it to make him uncomfortable. "I love you," He whispered, making my breath catch in my throat.
"Y.. you love me?" I asked, curious. "D... do you mean like ... love love ... or ... brotherly...?" I bit my lip again, watching him.
"L... like I'm IN love with you ..." He told me, turning a light shade of pink. Smiling softly, I kissed him again, a bit deeper this time. I had a feeling that things would be better from here.. but I never would have guessed what would end up happening.
After I came back, things were better. I was more open with Taylor about how I was feeling about ... everything, and so was she. I hadn't felt so happy in years, and just seeing the smile on her face made everything worth it. I didn't want to rush anything, it wasn't about sex, it was never about sex. It was all about us just being together that made me so happy.
Ever since I saw Taylor topless, she seemed a bit more open ... wearing button down shirts with a few buttons undone, low cut tops and the like. She was the epitome of sexuality, and she was simply beautiful.
After we made it official to family and very well trusted friends that we were indeed, going out, everything changed for the better. Amusingly enough, a number of various friends and family had said it was "about time" that we got together, as apparently, it was obvious we liked each other. Not that we were going to complain!
We were in New York, working on band stuff. Interestingly enough, the fans hadn't left, in fact, they were as supportive as ever of Taylor's change, something that had worried her since before the surgery. While there were a few who did leave the fandom, we had decided that they were in it for the wrong reasons, if they had used our appearances as the deciding factor.
After a rather romantic date involving Taylor's favorite sushi place, and a walk in Central Park, we headed back to the hotel. Isaac and Nikki had their own room, and the children were all back in Oklahoma, being watched by our parents. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I watched as Taylor slowly changed and prepared for a shower. Biting my lip as she shimmied out of her skirt, I couldn't help but look at the nice ass she had.
Blushing, I looked up at Taylor's laughing face. "Distracted, Zaccy?" She asked me, using two fingertips to lift up my face even more and kiss me sweetly, sending my brain into a frenzy. As she pulled back, I shifted slightly, trying to ignore the swelling in my pants. Smirking, Taylor kissed me again, then stood up. "Maybe after my shower ... I'll take care of that ..." She whispered before giving my lump a gentle squeeze. Gasping out, I watched as her hips swayed on the way to the rest room.
Chapter Twenty One
I thought long and hard while I was in the shower. Was I really ready to do ... whatever it is I was about to do with Zac? I trust him with my heart and soul, and I feel complete when I'm with him, but was I ready for that, again?
Despite us having a bit of a 'friends with benefits' relationship when we were both younger and before either of us were married, that didn't change the fact that things were different now. We wouldn't be doing things just to get off, but to prove our love to one another.
Truth be told, I was extremely nervous. What if he thought I was disgusting? This was the first time he had seen me naked, albeit from the back side, from the waist down since I got surgery. What if I wasn't enough for him, and he decided that he liked me better as a man?
I took a while in the shower as I thought about everything. I wanted him with every fiber of my being, but I didn't want to rush things... to do so could make everything we had worked so hard for crumble underneath my fingers. I have given him hand and blow jobs before, since my surgery and our reconciliation, but I hadn't let him touch me, and the jobs I had preformed on him were very few and far between.
Making up my mind, I wrapped myself up in a towel after my shower, and headed outside to where the man who held my heart was waiting on the bed in just his boxers.
Chapter Twenty Two
Walking out of the bathroom, I smiled sweetly at Zac before crawling above him on the bed. Straddling his hips, I leaned down and kissed him eagerly, rocking slightly against him. Zac wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed my body against his as he kissed me back, our tongues swirling around in a erotic dance of passion.
Sitting up carefully with Zac's lump between my legs, I tugged on my shirt, lifting it off over my head and tossing it aside, sitting there in just my bra and skirt. Smiling at him, I rocked gently, making him gasp out in pleasure. Reaching around, I undid the latches on my bra and tossed that aside too, gently guiding Zac's hands to my breasts. Zac grinned this goofy, beautiful grin and gently began to squeeze and knead gently at my breasts. I in turn, tugged and played with his nipples, making his breathing become more shallow, and the lump in his boxers become harder.
"I want to make love to you Zac ..." I whispered out, hoping he wanted it too. If not, I would be completely fine getting him off in another way. Zac swallowed hard and nodded slowly.
"I... I want it too..." He whispered out, pulling pet me down to kiss me eagerly. I smiled against his lips and helped him as he pushed my skirt and panties off my hips and tossed them haphazardly across the room, followed soon after by his boxers. Kissing him again I rubbed against him, teasing him as I moved my mouth to his neck.
I loved to tease him, and he loved being teased. I ran just my fingertips along his length, both of us knowing that I wanted to touch more, but I restrained myself as I moved down to sit precariously between Zac's splayed legs, running my fingertips along his length again.
Chapter Twenty Three
I restrained myself to keep from just pinning Taylor down and thrusting into her like a bat out of hell. Kissing her eagerly, I watched as she moved down slowly, running her fingers along my length. Gasping out as I felt her take the head into her mouth, I rocked my hips up gently, as if asking her to take more. Taylor grinned at me and slowly deep throated, making me moan out in pleasure. Entangling my hands in her hair, I continued to rock carefully so that I didn't choke her.
Taylor pulled up and kissed along my hips, stomach and chest before kissing me mouth to mouth, straddling her legs again. "I want you to come inside of me," she whispered out, rubbing the wetness between her legs against me. How could I refuse her of that? I held her hips as she shifted a bit, parting her lips and taking the head inside of her.
As soon as we felt our skin together as I became fully sheathed in her, we both let out a moan. It was hot, and wet, and felt amazing. Better than Kate ever was, better than any other girl I had been with. Waiting a few moments, I kissed Taylor languidly, running my fingertips along her arms before cupping her breasts in my hands and squeezing gently in time with my tiny thrusts into her.
She moved us around so that I was on top, and I kissed her again, thrusting slowly into her, taking it all but just the head out, then pushing in all the way, making her squirm, moan and pant around me. I wanted this to be gentle, amazing, and full of love, so we didn't rush.
Neither of us lasted very long, and soon we were both laying there, spent and feeling super alive. "I love you," I whispered softly in her ear as I felt sleep try to take over.
"I love you too," she told me, kissing me once more before sleep took over both of us.
However, that didn't prepare us for what would happen the next day ...
Chapter Twenty Four
Sometime before dawn, Taylor and I had woken up, and put clothes back on before going back to sleep. Not that we minded sleeping naked, we just felt it would be a good idea to put clothes on. I woke up again a few hours later and heard the soft unmistakeable sound of a camera. Grumbling, and assuming it was our brother Isaac, I kept my eyes shut and snuggled closer to Taylor.
"Dammit Ike, we're trying to sleep, go away." I laid there a few more moments before I realized that Isaac wasn't there. In fact, no one was in the house besides Taylor and myself.
Sitting up suddenly, I was very aware of someone running away from the window. Running up to the window myself, I could see someone running away, holding a camera. "Shit," I grumbled to myself before bolting to the door to chase them down.
A million thoughts ran through my head. What had the person with the camera gotten? What if he goes to the press? How am I going to explain this to people? Nearly tripping over the decorative rocks in the yard, I gave chase as I tried to catch him.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to catch him, and I sank to my knees as the guy got into his waiting car and sped off down the road, going who knows where with what may be the most incriminating picture of my life.
Swallowing hard, I went inside and looked at Taylor, who looked at me confused. "Someone has a picture of us ... in bed together ..." I looked at her, shaking slightly. The look on her face matched how I felt.
Chapter Twenty Five
When I felt Zac get out of bed, I didn't think anything of it. Figuring he was just headed for the bathroom, I let myself doze back into a light sleep. Until I heard him curse and run out of the room. Getting up, I slipped my robe on and followed him out, watching curiously as he chased someone dressed in black and carrying what looked like a camera down the lawn.
Making coffee while waiting for him to come back, I bit my lip in thought. What was going on, and why? Watching him as he came in, trembling, I could practically hear him swallow around the lump in his throat.
"Someone has a picture of us ... in bed together ..." he told me, and I could feel the blood drain from my face as I quickly sat down at the island in our kitchen. I felt Zac's arms go around me and I clung to him. What did this mean for us? I wondered. What are we going to tell people when the pictures get out? Who wanted these pictures so badly that they'd go on private property?
"That's it!" I said quietly, making Zac jump.
"What's it Tayles?" He asked, stroking my hair gently.
"They were on private property. If we can find out who it was, we can get them arrested for trespassing ...." I told him, trying to figure out why someone was so eager to get our picture. We knew if it was Ike, he'd do it, then show it to us. But this felt sinister ... more ... upsetting.
"We'll find out ... I know we will." Zac told me, swiping a sip of my coffee.
"I hope you're right Z...." I replied, cuddling close.
Chapter Twenty Six
Zac sat at the island in the middle of the kitchen. Late at night. It was his nightly ritual, after Taylor and the kids had fallen asleep, he'd get up, and go to the island and write, drinking cup after cup of tea, or juice, or something. Blank notebook in front of him, Zac flipped through the pages, with numerous starts. He didn't know quite what he was writing just yet, but he knew he would know when it happened.
Writing aimlessly, he thought about what happened the past few weeks since the discovery of the paparazzi as they had ran the photo. They were able to some how convince the media and the fans that they had just passed out in bed together, as they were clothed by this point, it looked believable.
The only downside to that story, was that the media was curious as to why they would be passed out in the first place. Rather than actually reply to the media, they ignored it, and eventually, the worlds attention was drawn to Angelina and her sixty kids.
Zac knew what he needed to write, and he started to write, trembling as he wrote the letter that would forever change everything about he and Taylor. Climbing back up the stairs, Zac packed his bag and left quietly into the night.
When Taylor woke up the next morning, she couldn't find Zac anywhere. She knew of the late night sitting up and writing, and knew as a musician, one had strange ways to write, so it didn't bother her at first. But when she noticed that Zac wasn't at the spot she usually found him in in the mornings, she got worried. Going over, Taylor found a nearly full cup of stone cold coffee next to a intricately folded note.
Biting her lip, Taylor sat on the stool as she read the words in Zac's messy chicken scratch.
Ever since that first day we kissed, I knew our lives would never be the same. They would always be entwined in one way or another. And since you allowed me to move into your home after Natalie left, it was as though we were our own little family of you, me and the kids who I feel as though they are my own.
But, like the winds, things change, and I feel as though I have changed from the little boy I was before when I fell in love with my older brother, who turned into my older sister.
I need to find myself, Taylor ... I don't know when I will be back, nor do I know where I am going. All I know, is that when I find that Zac Hanson I was before, I hope that the Taylor I know and love will be there with open arms.
Taylor shook hard as she threw the mug of coffee across the room, the glass shattering as it hit the wall, soaking Isaac as he came into the kitchen. Taylor had forgotten completely that Isaac was coming over for some much needed band work. Taylor shook as she handed the note to Isaac, his brown eyes turning to slits as he turned on his heel and left, tires squealing as he drove off, looking for the brother who broke his sisters heart.
Chapter Twenty Seven
I sat there, sobbing as I sat at the island in the kitchen. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn't hear Ezra come down the stairs nor did I feel him wrap his arms around my waist. In fact, I had no clue anyone was there until he spoke.
"Don't cry daddy," he whispered softly, moving around so that I could see him. "What's wrong daddy?" He asked me. Just over eleven years old and already smarter than I was at that age. It felt like only last year he was a tiny little baby with bright eyes and a contagious giggle. Wiping my eyes I looked at him.
"I'm sorry Ezzie ... Nothings wrong ... daddy's just .. had a nightmare ..." I lied to him. I never wanted to lie to my children, but I didn't know how to explain this to him.
"Is it because daddy!Zac left ..." He asked me, catching me off guard. What did he just call Zac? He must have seen my confusion because he smiled shyly. "Zac said that it was okay for me to call him that ... is ... is it okay ..." He asked me. I smiled for the first time all morning.
"It's alright ... if it makes you happy, it's okay with me ..." I told him, rubbing his back gently. "What do you know about him leaving though?" I asked, wondering what he meant.
"When I got up this morning to go to the bathroom he was going outside ... I went to the window to watch him ... he sounded like he was crying daddy ..." Ezra told me, it was obvious that he was scared of getting in trouble for not saying something before.
"Daddy!Zac said he needs to 'find himself' ... whatever it means," I told him as I continued to rub his back. "But Uncle Ike went to go look for him." Ezra said something but I couldn't quite understand him. "What honey?" I asked him, pulling him back slightly.
"When Uncle Ike finds him, can I kick him in the kneecaps?" Ezra asked in all seriousness.
"Why would you want to do that?" I asked him in shock.
"Because he hurt you daddy ... he made you cry ..." He told me simply before pecking my cheek and climbing down, running upstairs. I sat there pondering my oldest childs words as my phone rang.
Chapter Twenty Eight
I drove all over town, looking for Zac's car. Then I remembered about three hours into my search that Zac had a new car... and so I had to start my search all over again. I called various relatives and friends, asking them to let me know if they happen to see Zac anywhere.
I had no idea how far away Zac would have gone, I don't live in his brain, and quite frankly, I would be afraid to. I called Taylor, who had told me of Ezra's little threat of kicking Zac in the knees, and that made me smile. While on the phone I had gotten a text, but I didn't get to answer that until after I was off the phone with Taylor some three hours later.
'Sapphire ~ Gentleman's Club' was all that the text had said. Frowning, I turned my car and headed there. A friend of ours owned the club, something he had billed as a "high class stripping facility". Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed Zac's car, a deep blue pontiac vibe. Smiling softly at the ribbing Taylor and I had given him due to getting the car based on what a friend had, I parked and headed inside.
Wincing slightly as the music was blaring. I said hi to the door lady, another friend of ours and headed back to Vince's office. I never got charged to come in, usually due to being lifelong friends with Vince. Upon entering the office, I saw Zac, passed out on his couch.
"What ... what happened?" I asked Vince, who was writing out something on a sheet of paper. I continued to look at Zac curiously, wondering if he had to go to a strip club just to find himself.
"Well, Ike. I don't know. I just got here myself about an hour ago. Bernie told me that Zac had gotten sick after watching some of the girls, and let him lay in here. Said he knew that you and Tay would be appreciative that we were taking care of your baby brother..." Vince told me as he came up next to me. "In the other room here," He started, leading me to the right. "We have our security cameras. I have... I should show you something ..." he said opening the door and pressing play on one of the tvs.
What I saw on the screen... I was not sure whether or not I should be amused or grossed out.
Chapter Twenty Nine
I walked around the house. Despite knowing that my children were there, the house felt empty. Reaching up, I fingered the necklace that Zac had given me on my last birthday. It was the infinity symbol, a 'representation of if his love for me' he said.
Shaking, I yanked the chain off of me and threw it across the room, crying softly as I sank to the floor. The children were in the den, watching some sort of cartoon marathon. I hugged myself as I looked around the room.
In my daze, I hadn't noticed that I had wandered into the music room of our home. Looking around again, I got up as my eyes settled on the piano in the corner. Moving over, my fingers quickly and swiftly flew over the keys as a new melody and words bubbled over in my mind.
A thousand words had flown through my mind, the good times, the bad times, and everything in between. I was torn
By the time that I had finished the song, and the sun had set, Isaac had called me and told me he had found Zac. At a strip club. Drunk.
By that point, I wasn't sure I even wanted him back. I mean, if he was going to leave me over something trivial ... what happens if he wanted to leave over something bigger ...