Chapter 1: The Forsaken Quinoa Kale Crackers
It was a smoky morning. Gon had burned all the food in the house.
Short, tiny, petit, smoll Gon was standing on a stool overlooking the burning mass of food related items on the kitchen table.
"KILLUA-SAN!!" Gon yelled, he yelled so loud he shattered all the glass in the cupboards and all of the windows.
Killua skated into the room on his skate board
"Killua-san I made you breakfast!!" Gon screamed, pointing to the burning rubble. He took off the frilly white apron he had been wearing while cooking and threw it on the stove. It caught fire.
"I can't stop..." Killua muttered while going in infinite 360 circles around the table, "can't...stop."
Gon grabbed Killua's arm, "come sit with meeeeee!"
"YOU EITHER SKATE OR YOU DIE," Killua shot out the window on his demonic skateboard, his feet had been super glued to the board.
Kurapika woke up and smelled the smelly smell of smoke. He cringed, and held his belly protectively. Soon he and Leorio would be the proud parents of their darling child. Kurapika was so proud. He looked around the room for his husband; Leorio had fallen asleep on the ceiling fan. As his body rotated limply with the ceiling fan, Kurapika sighed, mesmerized...I love that man he thought, before lifting himself off of the bed. His organic hand knit goat fur sleeping gown clung tight to his pregnant belly, as he waddled towards the smell of fire.
Gon was screaming as the fire began to spread, his screams had sparked Killua's echolocation, allowing him to overpower the skateboard and send himself flying back at speeds of sonic towards their humble abode. Gon turned around as Kurapika entered the kitchen, the fire had spread to his hair.
"Goodmorning Kurapika!!" Gon wailed. He tilted his head sideways, "why is there a party balloon in your dress?"
Kurapika turned ashen "it is an environmentally friendly sleeping gown Gon, not a dress. And this," he rubbed the elastic red material of the balloon,"is my baby, not a balloon."
Gon fell over from confusion; his entire head was on fire. "Well it sure looks like a balloon to me!" he shouted.
Kurapika ignored Gon, "where is Killua-chan?"
Killua shot through the roof, his head was a rocket, he was so fast, he could not be stopped, he was heading toward Kurapika.
Kurapika clutched the balloon underneath his dress.
"MY BABY!!" Everyone was screaming.
Leorio fell into the room, he had been pushing on the door and it had finally broken open, he was on the floor. He had no clothes on; he was wearing his suitcase as a hat.
Kurapika suddenly realized how hungry he was. "Gon, sweetie, where did you put my vegan quinoa kale crackers."
Gon was writhing on the floor, he was doing the worm, he was entirely on fire. "I COOKED THEM FOR KILLUA-SAN'S BREAKFAST!" He pointed at the crumbling black rubble of the forsaken quinoa kale crackers.
Kurapika fainted, "what will I eat to nourish my baby!!." He grabbed onto Leorio.
Leorio threw his glasses frantically at the fridge. "I have a idea!!" He grabbed a soggy newspaper and sat upside down in a lounge chair. Killua was trying to electrocute Gon's burnt hair back. The house was still on fire. "Found it!!" Leorio triumphantly karate kicked through the newspaper and handed a ripped article to Kurapika. 'Hisoka's organic orange farm. Each orange is lovingly kissed three times a day and cradled to produce the happiest oranges on Florida'. "LETS GO!!" Gon screamed through bolts of electricity.
Chapter 2: Hisoka's Organic Orange Farm part 1
"Honey pull up the car," Kurapika said to Leoreo who had begun to frantically play love live on Kurapika's work phone.
"No car," he slurred as his fingers flew across the iphone 6. He was still wearing no clothes.
"What do you mean no car?" The iphone idol let out a soft giggle as satanic red smoke began to melt the phone.
"I totaled it last week, I ran it through the giant doughnut on top of Dunkin Doughnuts." He said casually.
"AWESOME!!" Gon shreked.
"Nani the fuck Leorio, we had to take out money from the baby's room to pay for that car!!"
"I can explain," Leorio said as he attempted to lasso the ceiling fan with his tie.
The fire alarm was ringing nonstop but no one cared.
"I did three marriagewanas with Tonpa last week, and he said that if I drove through the doughnut he would buy me 1000 packs of animal crackers. So I did."
Killua opened the pantry in an attempt to hide from the spreading fire. 1 billion boxes of animal crackers fell out and drowned him.
Kurapika was crawling on all fours over to Leorio. "Sweetie, our baby needs those organic oranges." Kurapika's eyes turned rero cherry red.
"I CAN HELP!!" yelled the writhing flaming Gon. "ROCK PAPER SCISSORS." Gon transformed his hand into a giant piece of white paper and sliced his hair in half.
Tiny precious Gon focused as hard as he could and by the power of the ancients, turned his hair into two rotating helicopter blades. Like Tails from Sonic but better.
Killua was devouring his way up through the animal crackers, towards the light of Gon's pure aura.
The weeb squad all held on to Gon as he helicoptered from their burning home towards the organic orange farm. Killua floated alongside all of them on his skateboard.
Gon made very loud plane noises even though he was a helicopter.
Along the way Kurapika pointed out a pair of gross looking adults getting it on in an alley, one looked short angry and homely, and the other looked like a golden sparkly dildo. Kurapika tch-ed in disgust. These two men happened to be Ging and Pariston getting it on in an alley. This was because Pariston claimed to feel more comfortable around things that reminded him of himself, like trash.
Gon crash landed into the organic orange farm. Illumi dressed as a giant orange rolled out of a neon pink barn to greet them. "Hi, welcome to Chili's, would you like a tour?" But it was too late,Kurapika had already spotted the luscious juicy orange trees in the distance, and was sprinting towards them.
Kurtapukta pulled an orange tree out of the ground and began to feast. He wedged the tree into his sarcophagus and began to jive the way seagulls do when they try to choke down starfish (If you are interested in seeing a seagull jive while eating a starfish follow this link http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EYm1kW4rxHQ/hqdefault.jpg or just google it)
In the distance, Gon and Killua were chasing Leorio indiana jones style, using Illumi as the boulder.
Everything was going perfectly normal...or so they thought.
In that instant Leorio lifted his nose and inhaled the suspicious smell of rubber and bubble gum wafting from the neon pink barn.
Chapter 3: Hisoka's Organic Orange Farm Part 2
Suddenly the barn doors shattered open and out stepped Hisoka wearing little kids overalls that were way too small and a straw hat.
Ilumi began to furiously strum a tiny spanish guitar as the clown farmer pranced over.
Gon was clapping wildly. "BRAVO!! BRAVO!!" He wept.
Hisoka's fruit radar was beeping like crazy.
"What a bursting young fruit we have here." He did the splits to analyze Gon's deadpanned face.
The schwing was inevitable.
Suddenly Hisoka heard the tiny screams of his organic oranges wailing for help. He looked up, horrified at Kurapika who had now eaten five orange trees.
"STOP, NOT THE HATCHLINGS!!" By the power of his clown dong, Hisoka lassoed onto an innocent telephone pole and rocketed over to kurapika.
Killua had noticed a sparse trail of pure cocaine leading into the mysterious woods behind the barn. He had strapped a Leonardo (from teenage mutant ninja turtles) child's leash to Gon's back and was using him as a scent dog to sniff out the drugs.
The child's leash was a bargain at only $1.99; Killua had found it at Walmart in between the extra-large jars of cheese balls and the semi-automatics.
Hisoka yodeled fiercely at Kurapika and yanked the orange sapling from his frantic grasp.
The two were locked in an epic battle.
Leorio took this opportunity to play Love Live on Kurapika's work phone.
"The beast calls your name but you do not answer. You fear the truth, you fear true salvation. It is your time Boy. God has come to reap the sinners. Stepping through the light repents yourself. Brings yourself from what not seen. There is still time. Escape. But it comes with a price. Your soul. Your dignity. Your being." the pit was opening.
"YOUR ORANGES ARE DELICIOUS!!" Kurapika screamed at Hisoka who was still trying to free his fruit babies from the kurta.
"YOU KNOW I MAKE A MEAN ORANGE JUICE COCKTAIL!!" Hisoka shouted back.
Gon had sniffed too much cocaine.
"YOU WANNA TRY IT?!"
"YEAH!" Kurapika grabbed a baby bunny and bit it's head off just to prove a point.
The two headed towards Hisoka's private strip club and bar located under the barn house.
They left Leorio in the orange field who was being pulled into Kurapika's work phone by tiny demonic idol hands.
After nearly one mile of sniffing straight crack cocaine Gon was screaming Nickelback’s Photograph song and sprinting nonstop while dragging Killua through the underbrush. The teenage mutant ninja turtle child leash Killua had purchased at Walmart was on its last leg and was about to snap. There was a trench up ahead, but it was too late Gon was too fast. The boys flew into the hole which turned out to be not that deep.
Gon fell asleep right there.
Killua was preparing to climb out of the hole using the child leash when all of a sudden Illumi who had been secretly rolling after them in his orange suit rolled over the hole, trapping them inside.
Inside Hisoka's exclusive strip club and bar, Kurapika was getting smashed on hemp milk.
"One more set of shots," Kurapika hiccupped while throwing chia seeds at Youpi, the club's bara bartender.
Youpi was not having a good day. He had recently introduced Pouf to Applebee's.
Pouf was now having an existential crisis in the corner. "Why would they lie to me?" He sobbed, "where are all the bees?!"
There was bubble gum all over the walls, half the lights had been smashed out by Hisoka's high kicks, Tsukiyama, several middle aged party clowns, and a hobo were all passed out on the floor, and Tonpa was currently doing a strip tease for Hinami who was throwing Monopoly money at his face.
Hisoka was pole dancing in his tiny overalls and collecting pizza dough in his straw hat.
“WHEnN I GOeT MARRIEDtt,” kurapika slurred, “I GOEt MAee wEDDDINgg DruSSE AT YVETTES BRIDAL!! QUALITY SEVRVICE GUARANTEEEED.” Kurapika sloshed hemp milk all over Youpi’s rented tuxedo. “YA JUst GotaA gO to http://yvettesbridalformal.p1r8.net/ AND VoilLA!! MAZEL TOV!!”
Youpi was very done.
“DIDyaaA KnoW I can SpEAK espagnole?”
Youpi was having a very bad day.
Gon was banging his head into the solid rock wall of the cavern when all of a sudden he smashed through the wall into a secret passage.
"Don't go," Illumi muttered.
"Adventure is out there!" Gon's fell face first into the ground. He was still so high.
He softly sang secret tunnel as Killua dragged him through the cavern.
Through the mountain!
Secret, secret, secret, secret tunnel! Yeah!
Pouf had decided to take matters into his own hands.
While Youpi was preoccupied dealing with the drunk losers, Pouf quietly snuck out of the barn. He tiptoed through the orange farm, listening closely for the soft humming...of bees.
Ilumi had successfully escaped the bonds of the horrific orange costume, and was following Killuhaha and Gon down the eerie tunnel.
In the middle of the tunnel sat a bald raggedy man. He stared, stone faced, at the wall, his hands clutching the severed head of a Webkinz panda.
The trio approached cautiously.
It was the chairman.
"I think youuuu forgot to feed meeee" Netero stroked the feeble panda corpse. "Maybe we should go see Dr.Quack?" He was rubbing his face aggressively against the walls and making soft wub noises.
Netero looked up into Gon's pure eyes and began to weep.
"Webkinz World® is a multi-award winning virtual world for boys and girls aged 6+. On Webkinz.com, players discover a whole world of fun while they adopt and play with their pets, decorate rooms, complete challenges, play games, collect prizes, and chat with their friends! With over 600 pets to adopt, thousands of items and hundreds of games and activities, Webkinz World is the place for exciting virtual fun! Come in and play! COME IN AND PLAY!" He soullessly waved the Webkinz head back and forth, it's fluffy guts spilling out onto the rocky floor.
The three musketeers continued onward.
Pouf had found the bees.
They were nestled in a 10 lb hive in one of Hisoka's orange trees.
"I have found you my beautiful insects!!" Pouf wept and carefully unhitched the hive from the tree.
They began to swarm.
Pouf's tears were drowning them out of their hive.
Families, lovers, and friends all cried out for help as they were torn apart by a salty death.
But nothing could stop him. Pouf had seen The Bee Movie 8 times. His avid appreciation for it led him to scourge the Internet and eliminate all negative comments by dismissing the parents and their "itsy bitsy overprotected children" as conforming haters towards the bee community. He had saved all his tears for this moment, this 10 lb hive was his burden to carry.
Paula Deen had been squatting in the bushes and watched as Pouf stole the home of her beloved Barry B. Benson.
She had met Barry one evening while churning butter. The sweet scent had drawn him to her and they immediately bonded.
Quietly she followed Pouf while aggressively churning the butter she had planned to give to Barry for his birthday.
Killua stopped suddenly. His echolocation sensed that the end of the tunnel was approaching.
Gon pulled his fishing pole out from his hair and violently chucked it around the corner.
The coast was clear.
Slowly Illumi, Killua and Gon all looked around the corner into the room at the end of the tunnel.
It was a large gymnasium like space with empty blue party tables and chairs shoved into the far right corner. The air was stale, the lights flickered, a trail of scarlet life sustaining liquid (Water with red dye) led towards a single children's swimming pool in the center of the room. But there was no water in the swimming pool. It was filled instead with rainbow balls. The result was the most disgraceful excuse for a ball pit on the face of Florida. Illegible letters made out of blue duct tape were stuck to the floor, 'welcome to dashcon'.
Illumi began to froth.
All of a sudden they heard it. It started off quiet, a silent whimper that grew into a possessing death screech that flooded the tunnel and consumed the hearts of the three amigos.
"Bello...Bananonina...poopaye...ME wAnT BanAnAAAAA!!! BE DO BE DO BE DO BE DO!!"
Illumi saw them first, the yellow overall wearing turds of pain and suffering were swarming through the tunnels, their eyes black and hungry.
There was no choice but to jump into the ball pit.
For those who don't know, Barry B. Benson is the main character of The Bee Movie, in which a bee falls in love with a human.
I actually found that quote Pouf said about the itsy bitsy over protected children and parents hating the bee community on a review for the Bee Movie.
Sorry for the late upload :p
Also the yellow turds are the minions from that animated movie, they give me nightmares.
Killua grabbed Gon and flung him over his shoulder.
Illumi, who had been paralyzed with horror, was now being swarmed by the frothing yellow tic tacs. He stood stagnant, prepared for a solemn death.
But before he could be consumed, Killua tch-ed and grabbed Illumi by the hair, dragging them down into the wormhole ball pit.
"Poopaye!!" They heard the demons echo behind them, their yellow stubs waving after them.
The fall was longer than they had expected.
Killua bravely wrapped himself around Gon to protect him from impact.
But something prevented them from hitting solid ground.
They looked down and saw that they had landed on a pile of corpses; many of which wore literal pony tails and had candy corn horns.
Illumi poked the bodies and confirmed, they were dead.
What had cushioned their fall was a group of homestuck cosplayers and bronies who had attended dashcon and tragically entered the ball pit.
Gon began to sniff fiercely.
He had recovered the scent of cocaine.
Pouf was heading for the bar.
Paula Deen was hot on his trail like Guy Fieri on toast.
Gon was on all fours.
He sniffed and sniffed and sniffed and began to crab walk towards the source of the drugs.
Illumi and Killua followed.
Suddenly they heard a soft giggle and saw a flash of gelatinous green disappear down a corridor, leaving behind yet another trail of cocaine.
They raced after it and as they shredded the corner encountered Beans in a strawberry pink Lolita dress skipping down the tunnel. He carried a woven picnic basket in one arm and from time to time would reach into it, grab a handful of pure white cocaine, and sprinkle it into the air like fairy dust.
His giggle bounced off the cavern walls, calling to them, beckoning them forth.
Inside the bar Hisoka and Kurapika were having an intensive drunken debate over which was better, Macs or pcs.
"You essentially have unlimited access to your music, movies, photos, documents, settings, Windows apps, even browsing history, across your devices, with 15 GB of free storage. That’s enough for roughly 255 hours of music, 20,000 Word documents, or 300,000 photos." Kurapika listed off facts in support of PCs.
Hisoka stared blank faced, the main reason he preferred Macs was because he liked that their logo was a fruit. He had little hard evidence to back up his argument.
"Perhaps we should have someone else decide for us?" Hisoka suggested to Kurapika, who had barely scratched the surface of his endless PC facts and was just getting to how family oriented and environmentally friendly they were.
"Tsukiyama," Kurapika turned to face the half awake ghoul who was covered in rose petals, taco meat, and was wearing Tonpa's g-string as a headband, "Mac or PC?"
Tsukiyama paused for a second, then squinted at Kurapika and muttered, "sorry, I use Barbie."
He passed out.
Before Kurapika could respond, Pouf burst through the bar door flailing his beehive and wailing, "TWO FOR TWENTY ENTREES NOW INCLUDE A SIDE OF BEES, COURTESY OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD APPLEBEE'S!! SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!"
And with that, Pouf slam dunked the hive into the ground.
The phrase 'see you tomorrow' is one of Applebees' many odd slogans
Within seconds the bees were everywhere.
Their fury had no limits.
Hisoka’s middle aged clown friends were honking their horns and throwing balloon animals in all directions.
Chihuahua and snake balloons were popping left and right as the bees slashed them with their butts.
Kurapika looked horrified at the balloon under his dress.
“Stay away from my baby!!” He yelled and began throwing chairs like a WWE wrestler.
“They work hard, are devoted to family, love sex, and know the importance of a good piece of real estate!” One of the chairs hit a local bee expert who was ranting off reasons why the drunkards shouldn’t attack the bees, everyone was glad Kurapika had knocked him out.
Tsukiyama was using the g-string to launch taco meat at the bees.
Hinami was moshing hard while using Tonpa as a surfboard to catch the bee waves.
Uta was slowly eating through the floorboards.
Hisoka was stomping furiously in stilettos.
Kurapika was screaming.
Everyone was screaming.
Youpi was having a very bad day.
Leorio was taking a nice nap under the orange trees after an exhausting battle with the Devil himself.
Their efforts were futile as the bees continued to dive bomb.
“There’s no place like the neighborhood!!” Pouf screamed while doing an aggressive Irish jig.
But Pouf was jigging too hard.
Calmly Youpi got out the firefighter hose Hisoka used as a stripper prop and began to drown the swarming bees.
Paula Deen was too late.
By the time she made it to the bar, more than half of the bees had been drowned by Youpi.
The high pressure water was too much for them.
She saw her beloved Barry B. Benson twitching on the floor.
She ran to him, but the ground was wet, and as she ran the butter that she had churned for Barry flew from her grasp and landed right in front of her feet.
Down she went, like a large maple tree, she hit the floor beside Barry.
“Barry…” she muttered.
“Paula my dear? Is that you?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“I’m afraid we don’t have much time left do we?” Barry asked.
“No, Barry listen to me,” Paula cradled Barry in her hand and looked down into his five glistening eyes, “I don’t have much time left, but you, I am going to save you.”
Paula Deen scooped up the butter she had tripped in and began to mold it into a rectangle.
“Paula no! I’m not doing this without you!!” Barry protested, his eyes welled with tears. Romantic tears.
“You have to!” She insisted, “I am going to freeze you in this butter Barry, and years later you will be revived. When you are, you must seek revenge, for me...for...us.”
“Oh Paula!!” They cried romantic tears.
Paula Deen slipped Barry into his butter cocoon.
“Paula,” Barry said “I believe that I was born to be here today.” he smiled a terrifying, toothless, black, bee smile.
I was born for this moment too Paula thought as she encased her beloved in butter.
Paula Deen rested her head on the wooden floor.
Everyone was still screaming.
I never thought butter would be the end of me, she looked at the stick that held Barry B. Benson, goodnight my sweet prince she thought to herself.
Paula Deen closed her eyes and died.
Beans led the trio into a room the size of a cathedral , with arching cavern walls, tiered balconies, and a floor the size of a football field.
The entire room was filled with rows of fresh green marijuana.
At the farthest end of the giant room was a small broken down shack, with a sign that read, "Kite's kites."
Gon ran over to the crumbling shack, "Kite!!" He tackled the albino stick bug, knocking him over; "what are you doing here?"
"I have a kite shop here Gon." The sweet, gentle, grand Kite beamed down at Gon.
“Kite, why is it so hard to get to your shop?” Killua asked.
Kite stared soullessly into Killua. “These are exclusive kites…”
"And why is your shop so small?" He ignored Kite’s glare.
"I got bought out." The 'Kite's kites' sign broke free from one of its hinges and was now hanging by a thread.
Kite glanced up towards the heavens. He nodded towards a man sitting in the highest balcony.
“Snoop Dogg?” Illumi asked.
“No, that’s his adviser. Look again.”
They looked past the kigurumi wearing Snoop Dogg and instead at the man that sat beside him.
A purple cape was draped around his shoulders and he held a golden staff in the shape of a blunt in one hand. His hair was unruly and poufy, his eyes squinty like a rat's, he was tall, thin, and pale.
It was Stick Dinner.
Fun fact, I found that bee expert quote in an actual book about bees called 'Letters from the Hive: An Intimate History of Bees, Honey, and Humankind' which you can purchase on Amazon for $12.38 in paperback or hardcover for $1.46. You pick.
Fun fact 2, bees do have five eyes.
Also I based Paula Deen's and Barry's parting on Komugi and Meruem's death...I even took a quote from it...
Oh and 'there's no place like the neighborhood' is another Applebees' slogan