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I'm...Spongebob?

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Everything was spinning. Why was everything spinning? Tony thrust his hand forward, trying to get the world to hold still. Instead, he lost his balance and ended up on all fours staring at the grass.

“La-laay bugggg,” he chirped at the cricket in front of him, admiring its beauty.

For a moment, the world stopped spinning in and out of focus. For a split second, Tony felt himself coming back. He was Tony Fucking Stark, a billionaire super genius, he was not going to let himself pass out drunk in some random person’s backyard.

Pull it together Stark, he yelled at himself. He tried focusing on the chirp from the ladybug, no cricket, damn it, Tony, you should know that, he cursed himself and his drunken brain.

“Okay,” he muttered after a while and began to push himself up. Bad idea! The rush left him dizzier than from when he had fallen, the loud music and raging lights were bombarding his mind again. He needed to get out of there. Fast.

He fumbled for his pocket as he stumbled back towards the house. After a few tries, he managed to pull out his phone.

“Wabrist” Tony yelled at his phone as he opened it. He had somehow managed to wrangle his way through the crowded mansion and to the front of the house.

“Starless!” He yelled again at his phone, confused as to why Jarvis wasn’t answering.

“I...gotta do evvrtin round here.” He exasperated, flailing his arms around.

He looked at the phone again moving his arm closer and further from his face until his phone looked the least blurry. He hit the green button—that he hoped meant call—twice: redial.

“Haha” He laughed bringing the phone close to his ear and hearing it dial.

“'Ven when I’m...dr-drunk I’m sart,” he proudly informed those around him.

He started humming to the dial tone to make the time pass faster while he waited for someone to answer.

“Mr. Stark?” He heard someone finally say from the other line.

“Hmmmmappy. Why? That was forever! Hap it's bad” Tony hummed into the phone.

“No, Mr. Stark. It’s Steve Rogers...we spoke on the phone earlier today? Mr. Stark are you okay, it’s three in the morning.”

Tony could feel the worry over the phone.

“Hap it ain’t good. Bad idea, why'm just a bad idea person. Listen... Hap, I need you to pick me up.” Tony said wandering further away from the house, the music was getting too loud, he didn’t know how anyone could hear themselves think.

“Mr. Stark where are you? Are you in trouble, should I call someone, who's Hap?” Steve, on the other side of the line, was already stumbling out of bed towards his closet.

“Happy, come. Hurry okay, this was a bad idea.” Tony kept mumbling as he made his way towards the street

“Okay, Mr.Stark-Tony- I need to know where you are. Was that music in the background, huh? You at a party? Do you know what neighborhood it’s at?” Steve was pulling on his pants and shirt as he grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

“Course I know what ne-nay-nu-, the place. Not stupid, you know. I’m brilliant man.” Tony said as he continued to stumble down the street.

“Yes Mr. Stark, you are a brilliant man, the smartest man I’ve ever met. Now an address?” Steve was almost at the bottom of his apartment complex.

“STOP. Just...stop. I’m not. I'm not. I’m stupid.” Tony added, whispering, almost at the brink of tears, “You're just saying that stuff cause you have to.”

“Tony, I’m in my car and I don’t know where to go. You are very smart and we will have a discussion on whether or not you're stupid afterward, yeah?”

“Right.” Tony said taking in deep breaths to drive away the tears. “I am pretty smart, right? I mean, I went to MIT at what fourteen? Right? I am smart-wow. Hap look up. The sky is so...wow.”

“Hey, Tony, you tell me where you are and I’ll take you to this really nice hill and we can watch the stars all night. How about that?”

“Really?” Tony’s voice hyped up, right before breaking again. “I-I don’t deserve to have such-I’m monster aren't I? So-so selfish. I'm so shellfish. I don't deserve the starfish. Patrick. Patrick. I’m not a good Spongebob.” Tony said, water in his eyes once again as he continued looking up.

“Okay Tony, do you know what would be really selfish? Not telling me where you are. I mean you know, I woke up at three am, got dressed, ran down 8 flights of stairs, and am sitting in my car. And I just really want to go pick you up buddy; but how am I supposed to do that if you won’t share that information with me?”

“Sharing is caring.” Tony confirmed into the phone. He tore his glance away from the stars and relayed what the nearest street signs said.

“Okay buddy, just stay right there. It’s not that far from me, I’ll be there in a bit okay.” Steve said as he put in the address into his GPS, guess the damn thing wasn’t a waste of money after all.