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How Twilight would have gone if Bella had had an overprotective Asgardian brother

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The Avengers are having a picnic. This is mostly because Steve has ideas about bonding and everybody is defenseless in the face of Steve's determination. But usually they can at least make it so their bonding happens inside, if not in front of the TV then at least not outdoors. No dice this time; Steve wants a picnic.

Tony isn't overly fond of outdoors. But no amount of whingeing could convince Steve otherwise, and because there's no place on Earth the Avengers can go unmolested (if not by fans then by S.H.I.E.L.D., whose satellites are everywhere), Thor brings them someplace else. Not Asgard, because that's still off-limits to non-believers outsiders, but for some reason it's not half as blasphemous to use the bifrost to have a picnic in some nice, unlived-in realm. The sky is purple and the grass is orange and Bruce makes high-pitched dolphin noises over both (Tony absolutely doesn't, no sir), but eventually they do sit down and have their stupid picnic.

On the plus side, there's no insects. On the downside, Loki shows up out of nowhere.

He doesn't even look surprised to find them here, the bastard, but something is off about him; he looks pale (paler than usual, which is quite a feat actually), almost gaunt. There's a haunted expression in his eyes.

"Thor," he hisses, glancing around furtively, completely ignoring how everybody is gaping at him. In the background Clint is muttering something about somebody always ruining all parties and I didn't even get to the fried shrimps yet, if I don't get to eat them now because of him I'm going to stab him with the skewers. Natasha mutters back that the wood they're made of is way too weak for that sort of thing and will splinter, and at that point Tony stops paying attention, because ew, graphic and guts, no thanks, and besides, Loki is much more fascinating. In an entirely non-sexual way, because that would be wrong, what with him being Thor's brother and the whole arch-enemy thing and all.

"Brother," Thor says. He seems adorably confused – Thor does everything adorably, Tony has found, there's something about him that makes you want to pat him on the head and give him a treat – but not anywhere as hostile as the situation should warrant, all things considered.

To everybody's surprise, Loki ignores that. Usually he never fails to make a generally violent point about their not being related, but this time he seems to be preoccupied. "You have to help me, Thor," he hisses.

Thor blinks. "Sit down, brother, share meat and drink with my comrades!" He booms. When in doubt, offer alcohol and food. Tony can sympathize with at least half of that.

Loki actually does sit down, though not without looking around suspiciously one last time. "Remember Svaðilfari?"

"Sleipnir's father," Thor says.

"The horse?" Clint hisses in the background. It earns him a reproaching look from Steve, who has never liked the story of the horse, or how much it had amused Clint at the time. To be honest, Tony doesn't find horse rape all that amusing either, and all Thor will say on the matter is "you don't understand" so there's really nothing to clear up the murky waters of their Wikipedia-fuelled knowledge.

"You have to get rid of him," Loki states, wild-eyed.

This clearly confuses Thor. "I killed Svaðilfari many eons ago." Killed his nephew's father? Other father? His brother's rapist? Does it even count if it's a horse? Norse mythology is so confusing, and knowing those involved personally doesn't make it at all easier to understand.

"Not Svaðilfari, you berk!" Loki growls. "Doom!"

"Doom… will come upon us?" Thor asks hesitantly.

"You mean Dr Doom?" Tony decides to get involved, because this is starting to be painful. Though to Thor's credit, it's not the first time someone has misunderstood the guy Doom with, well, doom. It sort of comes with the territory if one of their enemies has a cheesy name like that and some of their allies use cheesy speech like that.

"Yes!" Loki focuses on Tony, which, oops, wasn't his intention. Being at the focus of Loki's attention is rarely a good thing, though their banter is rather entertaining. "You have to kill him. Isn't that your job anyway?"

"Look, if it were that easy… besides, Richards sorta got dips on the guy," Tony counters, vaguely irritated. "He's mostly their arch-enemy, he only gets involved with us if you are concerned."

"Yes, exactly!" Loki grabs Tony's shoulders, wild-eyed. "You have to make it stop!"

"Calm down, brother," Thor says. Calm down, brother, he says. Calm down, brother. Has he not learned that that's about the absolute worst thing he could say to Loki? It not only implies hysteria but also reminds him of their familiar (or non-familiar, as it were) bounds.

But Loki doesn't even seem to be paying attention. Tony's starting to consider the possibility of this being a really weird dream. Didn't he try a new liquor last night? Yes, he did, some Mexican stuff, tobala mezcal or something like that. That must be it. Weird liquor, weird dreams. Everything makes sense now.

"He won't leave me alone," Loki screeches. "And I will not calm down!"

"Okay, okay, everybody take a deep breath," Tony takes control of the conversation magnanimously. He's got it. This is his dream, he's the boss. "How about you explain the situation to us, darling, and use small words, not all of them have the brain RAM to deal with anything more sophisticated."

Loki stares at him for a moment, likely thinking "I'm going to crush you" or something similar, which is sweet of him, really. Tony is fond of the direction this dream seems to be taking; he doesn't get this kind of dream often, but the mood is clearly taking a turn towards porny. Tony wouldn't mind the audience either. Maybe this will end up in an orgy, that'd be great, he hasn't dreamt of an Avengers orgy yet – about time, now that he thinks about it.

Eventually Loki breaks the eye contact between them – definitely a prelude to porn, Tony knows his dreams – and turns back towards Thor. No eye sex anymore, which is good, because Tony isn't too sure how he feels about the brothers thing; maybe that's why he hasn't dreamt of an orgy yet. "Doom," Loki says. "Follows me everywhere."

Well, that sounds sufficiently ominous. "Just to clear this up, we're speaking of Victor von Doom here, the supervillain you've been teaming up with recently?" You never know with those Nordic gods, after all. It might've been a metaphor. Tony's still sort of hoping the whole horse thing was one, after all.

Thor frowns. "What do you mean, brother?"

"Everywhere!" Loki screeches. No, really. His voice takes on that hysterical pitch that isn't attractive in anyone, not even him. "He writes love notes on all my mirrors when I'm gone! He follows me everywhere, he doesn't want me to have any other friends, when I'm away he calls me all the time, he watches me sleep, he steals my underwear-"

Clint chooses that moment to break out into a hysterical giggling fit, which, honestly, nobody can blame him for.

"It's not funny," Loki hisses, eyes glaring daggers.

"So Doom's stalking you," Tony recaps. He's starting to get the sinking feeling that this isn't one of those dreams after all. Damn.

"He will not leave me alone," Loki confirms. His hands are still on Tony's shoulders and he shakes him for emphasis. "You must get rid of him."

"Must we?" Tony whines. He doesn't want this dream if it doesn't end in orgasms. This is not his idea of fun.

It earns him a reproachful look from Steve. "Tony," Steve chides. "Of course we'll help Loki." Will they? Isn't he supposed to be their enemy? Then again, so is Doom, and dare he say it, but Doom is ranked higher than Loki in the list of people Tony (and the Avengers) want to urgently get rid of.

"I sorta think it's his own fault," Tony chimes in, because it's the truth and it's gotta be said. "Doom is batshit insane and not in the fun way either. In the list of rich, insane geniuses he would definitely not be my first choice of an ally, or a date. Of course, I'm at the top of the list and I can't date myself – at least not very well – so I'd have to compromise either way, but just saying. Doom doesn't even make it into the top five. It's the balance," he reveals, leaning towards Loki confidentially. "There needs to be a balance of rich, insane and the rest of the personality, and Doom's always been tending way too much towards insane. He's completely obsessed with Richards, so this shouldn't be much of a surprise. Have you had sex with him?"

Loki stares at him.

"Just asking." Tony raises both hands. "Because he seems to only get worse if he doesn't get what he wants. Maybe he'll leave you alone if you sleep with him."

"No means no!" Thor suddenly bellows, sounding completely enraged. "My brother will not lie with anybody unless he wants to, and not for any other reason but his wish to lie with them!"

"That's great!" Tony beams and pats Thor on the shoulder. "I knew those gender sensitivity classes would leave a lasting impression, buddy. Well done, Jane will be proud."

"You are insane," Loki proclaims, squinting at Tony like a child would at a very interesting bug – like he both finds Tony fascinating and is wondering whether he wouldn't be even more fascinating when being squashed under his thumb.

Tony points two fingerguns at him. "Spot on, honey. Took you a while to notice, but don't worry, you get leeway for being a Norse god not too familiar with this world. But seriously, look at the company I keep. Look at my job – and it's generous calling it that seeing as I don't get paid a penny and actually have to pay for any repairs or damages out of my own pocket – and look at this situation." Tony flaps his hand between them. "We're having a picnic in another realm because there's no place on Earth we'd have privacy, and my buddy's insane brother joined us to complain about his insane stalker." Look at his life, look at his choices. Sometimes Tony wonders how the hell he got here and whether it's punishment or reward for something.

Loki narrows his eyes at him. "Your signals are very mixed. One moment you call yourself insane and appear almost proud of it, and the next you call me insane and seem to mean it as an insult."

"It's the balance," Tony reminds him earnestly. "Remember? Everything needs to be in balance. I balance out my insanity by doing good. If you did good people would be fine with your insanity." Or at least tolerate it.

"Somehow I doubt that," Loki says very dryly. Making a slashing motion with his hand, he clearly puts an end to the topic as he turns towards Thor. "You must get rid of Doom for me."

"Look, darling, if it were that simple we would've done it long ago," Tony pipes up. He has a feeling this conversation is going around in circles. Didn't he already say that?

Loki scowls.

"No, seriously, what do you think, that we let him live because we're secretly fond of him?" Like they would Loki, if they actually managed to catch him. Tony's fairly sure that if they ever did they'd just end up slapping him on the wrist and letting him go again, because what would they do with him? Thor would violently protest most of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s usual plan of action, and good riddance, honestly. Torture always makes Tony queasy, he's no fan of it at all, no matter who is on the receiving end. "What I'm wondering is, if he's bothering you so much, why can't you get rid of him yourself?" Because honestly, Loki is perfectly capable of just that. He doesn't need them.

Loki crosses his arms. "It's Thor's duty as my closest male relative to dispose of unsuitable gallants."

Thor breaks out in tears. The next five minutes comprise of Thor crying, hugging Loki and sobbing "my brother!"

By this point Tony has to acknowledge that no, this is not a dream, this is real life. Because his life is such that it's so crazy not even his dreams can measure up, yep. He eats a couple of grapes and stares up at the purple sky while his team mates around him shift uncomfortably and try to give Thor some privacy by looking away as well. At one point, Clint leans towards Natasha and whispers, "what the hell?"

She glares at him, because of course she got it; she's rather smart under all that badass assassin. If Tony weren't so terrified of her he'd be all over that, and what does it say about him that he's more terrified of some of his allies than he is of some of their enemies? "Loki's always denied their relation," she hisses.

Tony shares a glance with Steve, because that's the crux of the matter. Loki has always corrected Thor when he called Thor brother and disclaimed that their past has any sort of meaning. For him to come to Thor now and not do it… it might be a trick. Because really, the getting rid of Doom for him is sort of flimsy, Loki is perfectly capable of doing that himself. He doesn't need Thor for that.

Eventually Thor calms down somewhat; he doesn't seem at all embarrassed, thankfully. Thor doesn't really do embarrassment, Tony sort of envies him that; he only wishes he could say the same about himself. "I will take care of this for you, brother, and if it's the last thing I do," he promises, hands on Loki's shoulders.

Ah, that might be it. Tony doubts Doom could kill Thor, but seriously injure him? It's a possibility. Maybe Loki is planning something that he needs Thor out of commission for.

Loki shifts uncomfortably. "I can give you access to everything you need." Or not. Why would Loki offer to help if he wanted Thor seriously injured?

Thor nods and turns towards the team. "Will you join me in this?"

"Of course we'll help you, Thor," Steve says. The others nod, because yeah. Even if – especially if – Loki is working some sort of con, they will help him.

"Can't let you have all the fun by yourself," Tony adds.

Thor looks at him. "It would be better if you did not join, Tony Stark."

Come again? "What?"

Thor's face is regretful but earnest. "Since my brother is looking for a suitable mate and you have offered yourself, it would not be proper for you to be there when we cast off a suitor who has stepped out of line."

Wait, what? Tony's missed something, he must have, because what the hell. "Okay, okay, rewind, I must have missed something. What? Where did anybody mention the part about Loki looking for a "suitable mate", and what the hell does that even mean, you're sounding like an animal planet documentary here, and where is the part where I "offered myself"?"

"You have repeatedly compared yourself to Doom and proclaimed yourself to be a better candidate than him," Loki declares, arms crossed, and sweet baby Jesus on a toaster, is that a pout? "Are you taking it back?"

Met with the twin glares of two Norse gods and also the fact that backtracking would be him admitting that Doom is better than him (which he is not), all Tony can do is shake his head.

"Good." Loki looks wildly satisfied.

"I approve of him," Thor informs his brother seriously. "Though he is promiscuous."

Loki waves that off. "That's no problem."

Steve clears his throat, Tony could kiss him. Loki and Thor discussing his merits as a "suitable mate" in front of him immediately shot up into his top five of horrible things that happened to him. "So, what exactly is the plan?"

Thor turns to Loki. "Did he touch you without permission?"

Looking uncomfortable, Loki crosses his arms. "Not in the way you're implying."

Thor's face is a mix of disappointment and relief. "That is good. So I will not have to kill him like Svaðilfari."

Ah. So the horse(?) rape really happened, and as punishment Thor killed the horse(? Was it really a horse or was that a metaphor? Or was the horse a shapeshifter after all? Anything seems possible in Norse mythology and honestly, Tony's sort of hoping there's a metaphor somewhere in there because oh god). Doom didn't rape Loki (good to know) so Thor won't kill him. Or at least not "kill him like Svaðilfari", whatever that means. For all Tony knows Thor will still off Doom, only in a different way. This sort of thing seems to be important, the way somebody dies. Tony doesn't quite understand, dead is dead, but okay.

Turning to Steve, Thor says, "We will go to Doom and inform him that he is not a fitting mate for my brother."

"If that's all it takes, don't you think I wouldn't have taken care of it already?" Loki interrupts. "He won't listen."

Thor looks hurt and upset. "You rejected him yourself?" He puts both hands on Loki's shoulders and leans in. "Brother, I understand we have had disagreements lately," and wow, understatement of the century, well done Thor, "but you should have come to me as soon as you found yourself with the need for a mate. I will take care of this."

"Okay, can somebody just explain something to me?" Clint chimes up. It's a wonder he managed to keep silent for so long, really. "What the fuck is going on? Why can't Loki look for a boyfriend on his own?"

Loki crosses his arms and scowls, and Thor's face is a moue of displeasure. "It is not proper," he informs Clint sullenly. "I do not like your implication that Loki has no male relatives suitable to take care of him." He slings an arm around Loki's shoulder and pulls him into his chest. "I will always take care of my brother." That's sort of sweet, really, especially with the way Loki's face crumbles for just a moment, like he didn't know that. Tony doesn't think they were meant to see that.

"Nobody is implying anything here, Thor," Bruce says. He's kept himself understandably in the background; as far as they know Loki's fascination with the Hulk hasn't waned. "It's just a cultural… thing. We don't understand."

Thor tilts his head and apparently finds that that makes sense, because he calms down and explains, "If a person has the wish to form a permanent union with another person, it is their relatives' job to ascertain the suitability of all candidates. If that person is a male like me or a female with inclinations towards females, their female relatives – traditionally headed by their closest female relative – vet all applicants. If that person is a female or a male with inclinations towards the male like Loki, that task falls towards the closest male relative."

Okay, wow. So not only is Loki gay (and Asgardians apparently have no problem with homosexuality, good to know), but he also is looking for a "permanent union". And he and Thor think Tony offered himself. Wow. How does he always end up in situations like these?

Bruce's brows are furrowed. "Do you do this every time somebody is looking for a partner?" Tony sees where this is going, because nobody did that with Jane and Thor.

"Of course not." Loki huffs. "You call it marriage here. Anything before that, you're trusted to take care of on your own, but if you want to marry, your relatives have to get involved." Tony can't tell if he's pleased about that or not.

…okay, wait, stop. Does this mean Tony proposed to Loki? Not on purpose and without noticing, of course, but if Thor and Loki consider him a candidate, he must have.

"Okay, so you were looking for a husband and Doom got fresh with you?" Clint does an admirable job of keeping his amusement hidden, Tony wouldn't have thought he'd be able to do that.

Loki bristles. "I found myself wishing for company without having to watch my back at all times." Yeah, Tony can't blame him for that. After Obie, he briefly got a little paranoid himself, and boy, those were not fun times. "Doom, however, does not accept a no and has taken it upon himself to follow me everywhere."

Yeah, that's not acceptable. Tony's had his fair share of stalkers and also a number of people who wouldn't take no for an answer; it sort of comes with the territory of being famous and handsome. He has a horde of lawyers and security personnel to deal with that sort of thing, but that option of course isn't available to Loki. It's sort of understandable he comes to Thor instead.

"Do not worry," Thor says earnestly. "I and my comrades will take care of this." He glances at Tony. "In the meantime, you can acquaintance yourself better with Tony Stark."

Wait, what?

Thor rises and looks at the Avengers expectantly; they throw each other looks of the "what, seriously? Now?" sort, but when Steve gets up as well, they follow. Loki splits himself in two as if it's an everyday occurrence (and who knows, for him it might be) and says, "I will show you the way."

The next moment, everybody puts their hands on clone!Loki at Thor's direction and then Tony is alone with the other Loki. Or perhaps the real Loki went with Thor and Tony is alone with the clone, it's sort of hard to tell.

"Uhm," Tony says.

Loki looks at him assessingly. "I was not aware you're interested," he says.

Tony wasn't either. The occasional sex dream totally doesn't count, and certainly not noticing that Loki's hot. There are few people Tony wouldn't sleep with, though most of them are on the villain list Loki is on as well. Come to think of it, Loki is the only one on the list Tony actually would sleep with. This either means Loki is exceptionally hot, or Tony's scale is sliding. It's probably a bit of both.

"Yes, well," Tony says lamely. "The villain thing is a bit of a drawback, to be honest."

Loki snorts and rolls his eyes, the universal "whatever". "Feed me."

Uhm, okay. Spreading his arms, Tony offers the abandoned picnic – it's vast because they barely started, and because they have three guys on the team who eat enough for nine, one of which occasionally turns into a guy three times his size who eats three times as much. That's a lot of threes.

Loki starts picking through the food, definitely not familiar with much of it. It's interesting; Loki has adapted more than Thor to speech on Earth but Thor is more familiar with food. Though with Loki, Tony always wonders how much he truly doesn't understand and how much is just him screwing with everybody (he's still not convinced Loki actually considers Tony a viable "candidate" for marriage or whatever, and also not that Loki is actually serious, though it's a bit late to call trap).

After about five minutes Tony can't bear the silence anymore – he's never been one for silence, especially not if he doesn't have anything else to do. "So what's your angle?"

Loki raises an eyebrow at him, definitely going for innocent, but that at least is something Tony can be sure isn't real.

"Seriously, I don't believe for a second that you couldn't get rid of Doom yourself if you wanted to. Why do you need Thor for that?"

The corners of Loki's mouth tilt up. "Good to know you value my abilities so highly, Stark." For a while they stare at each other, each trying to find some purchase in the other's façade. Eventually Loki shakes his head. "You don't understand," he murmurs. "There are some rules that can't be not abided by."

"And this is one of them." Tony is understandably skeptical, because seriously. Flimsy excuse.

"Do you really think this is the first disagreement my brother and I have?" Loki asks, seemingly off-topic.

"Uh, no. From what I understand siblings fight all the time. But what does that-"

"We've lived for thousands of years, the way you count time," Loki interrupts. "Some of our fights were as bad as this. We all have our roles to play."

Yeah, Loki has officially lost Tony. He has no idea what the hell the guy is talking about.

Clearly realizing that, Loki rolls his eyes. "You call us immortal, and yet you do not realize what that means." He leans in. "You're insects, compared to us. One blinks, and you're already dead."

This again. "Honey, that might be how you feel, and let me just say, not attractive, but Thor doesn't agree with you there."

With a shrug, Loki sits back again. "I didn't say one cannot have genuine feelings for you. Thor does have true feelings for his woman and that cute little band of warriors you have there. But that doesn't mean he doesn't know you'll die eventually. This," he gestures around, clearly not meaning their surroundings but the situation, "is only temporary. I, on the other hand, am permanent. Thor knows this." Loki looks at him for a moment, head tilted to the side. "It does not mean either of us is not entirely serious at the time. But we are both aware that nothing not involving us is everlasting."

"So what you're saying is that you used the whole thing with Doom as an excuse to make up with Thor?" Tony extrapolates, thoughts racing. Loki is a deceiver, he knows this, but damn it, he makes sense.

Loki looks surprised for a moment. "You are smarter than you seem," he says then. Tony doesn't find condescension attractive, no he doesn't. Anyways, he's just been compared to an insect, and that he truly doesn't find attractive.

"So you aren't really looking for a husband," Tony continues, satisfied. That's that cleared up, then. Honestly, he's relieved; he'd been worried about Thor seriously believing Tony's-

"Of course I am," Loki says. "The past few years have been exciting, I find myself in need of some time off."

Exciting. That's one way to put it. Though Tony's beginning to understand where Thor's predilection for understatements is coming from. If you've lived for thousands of years, most things probably don't seem all that world-shattering anymore.

"I am not sure you would be a viable option," Loki is continuing, eyeing Tony. "While you're attractive enough, you do lead a rather exciting life." While Tony's still spluttering over that (attractive enough? Tony's gorgeous, he's a brilliant catch, everybody who lands in bed with him can be grateful-) Loki purses his lips thoughtfully. "Though on the other hand, living with you I should be rather safe."

Wait, what? "Who said anything about living with me?"

The look that earns him is scathing. "Do not believe me stupid, Stark. I know for a fact that it is tradition here as well for bonded couples to share living quarters."

"You don't seriously want to move in with me," Tony all but begs. This is getting way out of hand.

Loki crosses his arms and scowls. "Were you making fun of me when you offered yourself?"

This would be a good moment to clear that up, but while Tony has little self preservation, he's not actually suicidal, no matter what his team mates may think sometimes. "No! I meant it, I'm way better a catch than Doom."

Loki looks satisfied again. "Very well. You may kiss me."

That hadn't been where Tony had meant to go with this at all, but Loki looks sort of cute with that self-satisfied expression when there is no condescension or cruelty linked to it. Or at least no cruelty. Still. "I thought we're like insects." Tony crosses his arms, because yeah, that's what Loki said. Nobody likes to hear that about themselves.

With a huff, Loki rolls his eyes. "I also said that that doesn't mean one can't have genuine feelings for you. I do find you interesting enough, I suppose."

"You suppose?" Interesting enough? Jesus, Tony's ego is going to explode with compliments like that.

Loki glares. "Don't be so sensitive. Fine, you make a finer candidate than Doom. Does that satisfy you?"

"Fine." Tony uncrosses his arms.

"Fine," Loki snaps, and then he pulls Tony in at the neck and kisses him.

For a moment Tony is caught completely off-guard, but he catches up quickly and yeah, he's an expert at arguing without a voice. Towards the end of it, that's how most of his and Pepper's arguments ended, and while it had been enjoyable enough – Tony's convinced it prolonged their relationship considerably – eventually they had had to admit that that wasn't how things were meant to be. Since, Pepper's become his to date only ex with whom he's still friends.

But Pepper isn't who Tony is thinking about right now. He's rather occupied with Loki, whose lips are surprisingly soft and surprisingly warm, mobile and thrilling against his. Tony didn't expect that, didn't expect how much he'd like it, and before he knows it he's pulled Loki against him, hand carding through his long hair. It doesn't look like it would be soft, but it is, curls smoothly around his fingers. Tony wants to know what it'll feel like when it's wet, what it'll look like ungroomed.

He didn't mean to enjoy this so much. Loki's body melds against his and Tony can't remember whether he pulled or whether Loki pushed, but somehow Loki is straddling him, Tony's hands on his hips, Loki sitting in his lap, both hands cupping Tony's jaw, mouth open and eager against his. They breathe hotly into each other, tongues slick and agile as they tangle. Tony gets the feeling Loki didn't mean to like this so much either.

Really, all things considered it's a good thing the team comes back, even though it is a little mortifying to be interrupted by Steve clearing his throat loudly. At least they don't fly apart like guilty teenagers, because that'd just be awkward with how tangled up they are.

"It is taken care of, brother," Thor says. He sounds vaguely reproachful. Next to him Steve is staring at Tony with two raised eyebrows, and the team assembled behind them is staring at both of them with similar expressions. Loki's clone is nowhere to be seen.

Loki squints up at his brother. "Thank you," he says magnanimously. Nobody should be able to look that regal after having been caught straddling somebody's lap making out like teenagers. It's sort of hot, Tony wants to know if he can still manage to do that after Tony's fucked him into the mattress. Or if he'll look like that riding Tony's cock.

What an image.

Clearing his throat, Tony flexes his grip on Loki's hips. "What happened?" Change of topic, good idea.

We'll talk about this later, Steve's face says. With his voice he explains, "We visited Doom and informed him that his suit is not welcome."

Tony would've liked to be there just to see Doom's reaction.

"We also collected Loki's things, because Thor got the impression that Doom wasn't inclined to listen," Bruce adds.

"I will take great care to ensure my brother's honor isn't infringed upon," Thor adds meaningfully.

Loki scoffs. "You get to have a say in the final decision, brother, but you don't get to tell me how I should conduct the selection process."

"Yeah, how does that work out, anyway?" Tony ask, because he doesn't often know when to shut up. "What if Thor picks someone you don't like?"

"Thor doesn't get to pick people he likes," Loki informs him. "I make a selection, and Thor gets to pick from that. If I pick only one person, well." He shrugs.

That makes a little more sense, Tony supposes.

"Can we stop talking about Tony's sex life now?" Clint says loudly. "I thought that was taboo subject anyway." This is the truth; Tony doesn't remember who made that a rule, but pretty early on the majority decided that Tony's sex life shall not be discussed by them.

"Loki's sex life isn't, though," Natasha points out, a devilish smile twisting her lips.

Clint pouts. "Whatever. I want to eat those damn shrimps now."

Tony decides not to mention that Loki had liked them and eaten most.

…wait. "Did you just say Loki's going to move in?"

Thor narrows his eyes at Tony while the others take their seats again. "Indeed he is."

Loki shifts, very subtly rolling his hips into Tony's. "Indeed I am," he agrees with his brother.

"Is there a problem?" Thor adds, staring at Tony.

Ah. "No." Tony tightens his grip on Loki's hips to keep him still, because not good, not in front of his team (orgies are fine in dreams, but in real life they make things awkward). "No problem."