Work Header

Things Deadpool is No Longer Allowed To Do, by Peter Parker.

Work Text:

1) Replace Peter's webbing cartridges with Silly String.
2) Insist on calling Peter 'Tobey' in bed.
3) Ask Aunt May if she'd consider changing her name to Bea.
4) Inform everyone that Spider-Man's one weakness is slippery bathtubs.
5) Sing the 'Team America' theme whenever Steve enters the room.
6) Perform a Dutch Oven after eating five chilli beef burritos from that shady street vendor across the street.
7) Tell everyone that he is in fact the real Slim Shady.
8) Photoshop images of Galactus's head on to Spider-Man's body.
9) Ask when Fabian or Gail will start writing for him again.
10) Insist that Iron Man is actually a peaceful 'star spirit' who came to Earth to save us all.
11) Talk during sex.
12) Talk about Siryn during sex.
13) Talk about Siryn, Black Cat and banana pudding during sex.
14) Ask if Peter will sign his copy of 'Amazing Fantasy #15'.
15) Take a bet with Weasel on whether he can live for a month on Ho-Hos and Nitroglycerin.
16) Exclaim, 'I smell sitcom!' every time someone unexpected enters the room.
17) Try on Peter's costume.
18) Try on Jessica's costume.
19) Practise blindfolded Katana juggling at the local children's playground.
20) Make Hentai comments whenever Peter battles with Doc Ock.
21) Call the Avengers mansion and ask for Emma Peel.
22) Tell Peter he's looking 'pretty smokin' for a 65 year old.
23) Try to bond the Venom symbiote with the next door neighbour's guide dog.
24) Construct a 'Spider Signal' out of dead flies and a desk lamp.
25) Try to wield Thor's hammer.
26) Try to “wield” Thor's “hammer”.
27) Send Joss Whedon obscene mail, complete with fan scripts and tasteful nude photographs. Of himself.
28) Add, 'So Spidey sayeth' to the end of every sentence
29) Let Bob sleep on the end of the bed.
30) Ask for a, 'special sticky Spidey hug'.
31) Send anonymous notes to J. Jonah Jameson informing him that Spidey's original name was going to be 'Ladybug'.
32) Name certain body parts after My Little Pony characters. Especially Pinkie Pie.
33) Write the Black Widow's cellphone number on the men's bathroom wall at A.I.M. headquarters.
34) Die.