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Sometimes I Wonder If Anything's Real

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27th May 20??

 

The longer we have been playing this game, the more beautiful it has become. It almost seems cruel and misleading for something so pretty to be capable of killing my friends not just once, but thousands of times. Yes, I've died, but this me is not dead. Not yet anyway. The beauty of the game is surreal, otherworldly and never fails to draw my attention to the fact that this all seems so FALSE. I constantly worry that I will go to sleep among friendly faces and wake up alone in that hospital bed again, years in the past. I worry that this is all some desperate dream my childhood self has conjured to escape reality which has become nothing but never ending sickness from the medicine. There's always that moment of doubt before I look in the mirror. Will I see a bald head and gaunt face, ready to drag me out of my respite? I don't want to feel my body failing me again.

Then I think "Why would I dream of all these wonderful friends that I care for so much, then imagine them being torn away from me through death?" It doesn't make any sense and I take comfort in that. And then there's Kanaya with her caring nature and sophisticated grace. We've been talking a lot recently and I just want to spend more and more time with her, as much as possible. I'm not so oblivious as to not know my own feelings toward her, but I've never done this before and I don't know how to start. 

I just pray to that tiny voice of doubt in my head that even if this is all fake, just let me spend a little while longer with her.

Before I leave for good.