THE ULTIMATE 90’S PARTY!
One night, Taylor Swift was having a 90’s themed party at her house. She had invited over 200 people, most of them are her best friends including Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence. And of course they were allowed to invite their friends too.
Emma, Jennifer and Andrew Garfield arrived at Taylor’s house that night. They of course were dressed in 90’s clothing. They were so excited as they parked the car, got out and walked over to the house.
“Dude, I’m so fuckin’ stoked!” squealed Jennifer.
“I know, I so fuckin’ love Taylor for this!” squealed Emma.
“We're about to go back in time,” said Andrew.
“To the best motha-fuckin’ decade!” said Emma.
The trio whooped as they made their way to the door. Emma knocked on it and it opened. Taylor appeared wearing a 90’s rock star outfit.
“Spider-man, Mystique and Gwen Stacy, welcome back to the 90’s,” she greeted as she let the three into the house.
They were gobsmacked.
There were over 200 guests all dressed in those oh-so-90’s jackets and the men all had those 90's hairstyles with the curtained fringes. All of the guests were aged from mid-20's and older. Most of them included other celebs like Anna Kendrick, Kristen Stewart, Shia LeBeouf, Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Daniel Radcliffe, Channing Tatum, Rumer Willis, Aly and A.J. Michalka, Brie Larson, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Vanessa Hudgens, Olivia Wilde, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and even special guests from 90’s movies and TV shows such as Kirsten Dunst, Mara Wilson, Melissa Joan Hart, Charlize Theron, Macaulay Culkin (he was there with his brother Kieran) and one celeb that caught J-Law’s eye.
“Holy………. fuckin………. shitbag!” she gasped in delight. “Milla……… fucking……… Jovovich!”
She, Emma and Andrew gawked at her.
“Fuckin’ Leeloo!” cried Emma.
“Dude, you got both Milla J and Mila K,” Jennifer said to Taylor.
“Mmm-hmm,” said Taylor, proud as you like. “I also put cameras all around the house just to film this party, cos I miss the 90’s so fuckin’ much.”
The room was surrounded by posters of 90’s films and TV shows such as Terminator 2, Wayne’s World, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, GoldenEye, Dazed and Confused, The Fifth Element, Jurassic Park, Mrs Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Blade, Die Hard 2 and 3, Death Becomes Her, Forest Gump, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Men in Black, Clerks, Ace Ventura, The Mask, Beavis and Butt-head Do America, Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, There’s Something About Mary, the first two Austin Powers movies, Aladdin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hercules, The Prince of Egypt, Sabrina The Teenage Witch, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Friends, Charmed, Xena: Warrior Princess and posters of bands like The Backstreet Boys, The Spice Girls, Oasis, Blur, The Cardigans, Hanson, The Prodigy and N Sync.
The speakers played 90’s songs from bands like Hanson, Spice Girls, The Cardigans, Prodigy, Oasis, U2, and the Backstreet Boys.
Other songs included LL Cool J's "Ain't Nobody", Boyz 2 Men's "I Will Get There", Chili Peppers' "Love Rollercoaster", Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" and "When You Look At Me", Dodgy's "Good Enough", Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" and "Fly Like an Eagle", Will Smith's "Men in Black", Devo's "Girl U Want", R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" and many, many more!
On the TV, was a DVD playing trailers for 90’s movies and opening titles for 90’s shows.
There were 90’s arcade machines including Street Fighter, The Simpsons side scrolling beat em up……….
“The only good Simpsons game,” said Emma.
……… House of the Dead, Sega’s Star Wars Arcade and Mortal Kombat.
There was a crowd of people watching somebody playing the latter.
And that person playing was none other than……
“Foxy!” said Jennifer as she, Emma and Andrew walked over to join the crowd as Megan Fox was fighting the very last boss in the game, Shang Tsung.
Everyone was cheering “C’mon, Megan!”, “You can do it!” and “Beat his ass!”
Using Sonya, Megan just managed to defeat Shang and everyone cheered and clapped.
Megan walked away from the machine to join Brian Austin Green who brought her over to Emma, Jennifer and Andrew.
“Whoa! I am sweating and my wrists are sore!” panted Megan.
“That’s what you tell Brian every night,” said Emma.
The others laughed.
“We got here 30 minutes ago, cos Meg wanted to play Mortal Kombat!” said Brian.
“I love Taylor so fuckin’ much,” said Megan.
Taylor was on a stage in front of everyone holding her red microphone.
The music stopped and there was silence as everyone looked at Taylor.
“Jesus! You haven’t written ANOTHER song about an ex-boyfriend, have you?” jeered a smart ass.
Everyone laughed and Taylor looked at him.
“Do you wanna be kicked out of this party?” she asked.
“No,” answered the smart ass.
“Well then, shut the fuck up,” replied Taylor.
“Tonight, we are here to celebrate a decade close to all of our mid-20 something’s hearts,” announced Taylor. “The decade we grew up on. A decade where technology was getting more advanced. A decade where movies and photographs were still being shot on film. A decade where everyone actually liked Mel Gibson. A decade where video games were getting better. A decade where no-one could pronounce Milla Jovovich’s name right.”
“You still can’t! You American assholes!” boasted Milla.
This caused everyone to laugh even more.
“Yeah, we are assholes, Milla,” admitted Taylor. “So, if you’re all familiar with the saying ‘Let’s party like it’s 1999’, well, let’s party like it’s the whole fuckin’ decade!”
“LET THE 90’S BEGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!”
“Fuckin’ A!” cried many people as the music came back on. Everyone danced away to the 90’s beats and chatted to their friends. They all drank booze and ate snacks.
Megan Fox, Emma Stone, Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher, Aly and AJ Michalka and Brie Larson all sat around 3 sofas connected to each other. They wanted to talk to Milla Jovovich.
“So, do people still mispronounce your name?” asked Brie.
“Well, I think movie trailers are getting it, but most people………. er……… fuck ‘em,” answered Milla. “Well, at least your names are easy to pronounce.”
“In England, they call me ‘Mile-ah Kunis’,” said Mila K. “I mean, what the fuck?”
“Well, they call me ‘Mee-lee-ah Jov-o-vich’,” replied Milla J. “Honestly, ‘Mee-lee-ah'?.”
Shia LaBeouf and Channing Tatum were looking at the posters for the Bruce Willis movies.
“Ahhhhh, the mighty Bruce,” said Shia. “Back when he wasn’t such a pompous asshole.”
Just then, he could hear a woman clear her throat. He turned around and saw Rumer Willis staring at him.
“He said it,” said Channing smirking.
“Shut it, G.I. Shmoe,” said Shia.
“So, you think my dad’s an asshole, huh?” asked Rumer like a policewoman catching a boy shoplifting.
“It just that when he’s interviewed…….” began Shia.
“I know, but when you’ve been typecast as a certain character for over 20 years,” said Rumer. “And every question is ‘Die Hard’ this, ‘Die Hard’ that, you’d be pissed off too.”
“He’s actually a good dude,” said Channing. “I’ve worked with him on GI Joe, the second flick.”
"You had no scenes with him," said Shia.
Rumer looked at the Death Becomes Her poster.
“He actually prefers movies where he plays against type,” said Rumer. “Like this.”
“Well, I think your dad’s best performance was in Twelve Monkeys,” said Channing. “I mean, a chance to work with Terry Gilliam.”
“He considers that a favourite too,” said Rumer. "Anyway…….”
She slapped Shia in the face.
“Never call my dad an asshole again, Even Stevens,” said Rumer walking away. "By the way, Channing, loved you in Magic Mike. #Abs."
"Nice girl," said Channing.
Demo Lovato was talking to Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens. They were having a good conversation until Miley Cyrus showed up
“Hey, boys,” slurred a drunken Miley.
They looked at her and gave a weak “Hey Miley.”
“So, Lovato, still doing fuckin’ coke ’?” asked Miley.
Demi gave her a dirty look.
“What are you drinking?” asked Vanessa.
“I bought my own special booze tonight, chicas,” said Miley as she gulped down some more.
“That’s not booze, that’s medicine,” said Selena as she snatched the bottle off her.
“Hey…….. give it back, bitch!” slurred Miley.
“This is Ipecac,” said Selena.
“I know, it’s Finnish,” said Miley.
“Go home, now!” said Vanessa. “You are going to get sick!”
“Fuck you Disney sluts, I’m Miley fuckin Cyrus, so fuck you!” she said as she brushed past them and walked off.
The trio worried about her.
"Is she dressed like Vanilla Ice?" asked Demi.
"Yeah," said Vanessa.
Miley was actually dressed like the Ice-man.
"And that short hair completes the look," said Selena as she took a sip from her drink.
Megan was talking to Brian and Amanda. Since Megan was a Vanilla Ice fan, Miley decided to show off her look.
"Hey, Foxy," slurred Miley. "Whadya think?"
Megan just looked at her and she and the others just walked away.
"Well, screw you too, Miss Revenge of the Fallen!"
“Is it true that you lost most of your hair when filming The Fifth Element?” A.J. Michalka asked Milla J.
“Yeah,” answered Milla. “We were trying all different looks for Leeloo and we tried to bleach my hair. But it caused most of it to fall out. I lost this much.”
She held out her hands out showing how much hair she lost.
“So I had to wear the wig,” she finished. “It took a while for it to grow back.”
“Do people still pester you to say ‘Multipass’?” asked Olivia Wilde, who just joined in earlier.
“Not as much as Ah-nold gets pestered with his line,” answered Milla.
“Hey Milla,” said Jennifer Lawrence standing behind her with her Smartphone ready to record her.
“I need to hold something up, like a card or something.”
“Just give the finger,” said Kristen Stewart.
“Yeah do it,” said Jennifer excitedly.
“Okay,” said Milla looking into the camera of the Smartphone. “If you say so.”
She gave the finger and said “Mooooltipass” in Leeloo’s voice.
Jen had recorded it. They all cheered.
“Beautiful, Milla,” said Jennifer. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. I need you, Mila K, Amanda, Emma, Olivia and Taylor.”
“Why?” everyone asked.
“You’ll see,” said Jennifer as she went away, “Back in a few minutes!”
Meanwhile, Justin Beiber had arrived outside the house. He went up to the door and knocked on it.
Taylor looked at the door knocking.
“Who could that be?” she asked herself. “All the invited guests are in. It’s probably those assholes again.”
She walked up to the wall and pressed a button.
From outside, the sprinkles came on and sprayed all over Justin. He ran away complaining about being wet. He had to think about another way in.
Back inside, Amanda Seyfried was talking to Charlize Theron about The Devil’s Advocate.
“I think Keanu and Al were having a contest of ‘Who could overact the most’,” said Amanda.
“Yeah, my money was on Keanu,” said Charlize. “I lost. No-body could overact Pacino, ever! And that’s a fact.”
“Well…….. if I could be so bold,” began Amanda. “You’re gonna hate me for this……. but in Snow White and the Huntsman, you did kinda…….. y’know….”
“Went over the top?” asked Charlize.
“Yeah,” admitted Amanda.
“That’s okay,” said Charlize. “That movie sucked anyway. Did you see that woman who posted that video on Youtube about Kristen? That poor woman.”
“She probably had Asperger’s or something,” said Amanda.
“She’s probably got over the Kristen and Rob situation,” said Charlize.
“Any back to Devil’s Advocate,” said Amanda. “Weren’t you naked in public or something?”
“Yes,” began Charlize. “When we filmed the scene where I’m naked in the church, there were nuns and priests that were watching me from behind. They were in shock, and the priests later resigned. That was when I realized that I could give priests second thoughts.”
“And the nuns?” asked Amanda.
“Them too,” answered Charlize. “They finally realized that the whole homosexuality is against God was complete bullshit. And it is.”
“Whoever came up with that theory is an absolute cunt,” said Amanda.
“Here, here,” said Charlize.
Jennifer came up to Amanda.
“Mandy, could I steal you for a couple of minutes?” asked Jennifer. “By the way Charlize, you rocked the fuckin’ house in Monster.”
“Thanks,” replied Charlize.
Taylor was talking to Milla J.
"As you know, I referenced both The Fifth Element and Resident Evil in Bad Blood," boasted Taylor, trying to impress Milla.
"I saw that," said Milla.
"Still don't like that video, too violent," moaned Miley.
"Shut up, Miley," said Taylor.
"Yeah, you're just jealous that she didn't ask you to be in it," said Selena.
"I not jealous," said Miley.
But she secretly was.
"Milla, I hope you daughter doesn't want to be like her," Taylor said to Milla.
"No, when Miley comes on, the TV goes off," said Milla. "My daughter asks why I did that, I answer 'You'll thank me when you're older'."
So Jennifer arrived and got Milla J, Mila K, Olivia Wilde, Emma Stone, Amanda and Taylor to sit on the sofa and face her. Using her Smartphone, she took a picture.
“There we go, the ‘Sexy Eyes Gang’,” said Jennifer as she showed the group the picture.
“Huh!” said Olivia. “What do you know? I’m part of a gang. I was never part of a gang, ever!”
“Milla, you know Emma, Olivia and Amanda could pass for your sisters,” said Kristen. “They should play your sisters in a movie.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” said Milla. “Partners in crime.”
“We don’t have your awesome cheekbones, though,” said Emma.
“I wish I were from Serbian descent,” said Amanda.
“I want your cheekbones,” Emma said to Milla. “And I want your legs like in the first Resident Evil.”
“What about Mary Winstead?” asked Milla. “Her thighs are built in.”
They looked over at Mary Elizabeth Winstead who was talking to Brie Larson and Anna Kendrick.
Mary was dressed in a black jacket, denim shorts and tights.
“So yeah, this look is based on Julie from Return of the Living Dead 3,” said Mary. "The sexiest zombie ever."
"I was was going to dress up in Milla J's bandage outfit from The Fifth Element, but I thought 'Naw'," said Anna. "I'll be too cold and I don't have the body for it."
"Aly would," said Brie looking at Aly Michalka. "She has the body for it."
"Aly's the sort of girl who would stand naked in front of a million people with no fear," said Anna. "Viagra would be out of business."
“Speaking of arousal, still writing more masturbation jokes on Twitter?” asked Mary.
“No, I ran out of steam,” said Anna. “Some religions say that masturbation is a sin, which is a fucking lie. God did not give us private parts and two hands for no reason. Go out, flick your bean, or if you’re a guy, pull yourself and have a fucking field day.”
“I’ll drink to that!” yelled a listener by.
And most people started cheering and clinking their bottles.
“A toast to masturbation!”
Clink! Clink! Clink!
“I just started a campaign,” said Anna blushing. "I oughta write a book about this. I'd call it 'The Sore Hand Chronicles'....... no, no....... 'Nearly Going Blind'."
"Oscar Nominee Anna Kendrick everybody," said Brie. "Besides, your habit will be even worse due to the fact that ahem...... Mr Tatum is here."
"Scuse me, ladies," said Anna. "I'm gonna have a chat with Mr Tatum."
"By chat, you mean flirt," said Brie.
"Mmm........yeah," said Anna walking away.
"He's married," said Brie.
"This is Hollywood," said Anna.
Brie looked at Mary’s outfit and thought for a moment.
“Mary, you wouldn't have an extra jacket and denim shorts, have you?” she asked.
“I actually did thought someone wanted to dress like me,” answered Mary. “Yeah I got another. C’mon.”
Andrew Garfield and Daniel Radcliffe are talking about British kids’ TV shows.
“And there was Zzzap,” suggest Daniel.
“Oh I loved Zzzap,” said Andrew. “Tricky Dicky scared the shit out of me.”
“Who’s idea was it to cover a man’s face in a balaclava with no eyes?” asked Daniel. “But the one thing that scared me when I was a kid were the spiders from Jumanji.”
“You big girl,” laughed Andrew. “You’re talking to Spider-man here.”
Just then Kirsten Dunst walked over to them.
“Sorry, did you guys mentioned Jumanji?” she asked.
“Yeah, Radcliffe was scared by the very fake looking spiders,” answered Andrew.
“You big girl,” Kirsten said to Daniel. “It’s funny cos Mara Wilson and I were talking about Robin Williams……. oh here’s Mara.”
“Hello, Spider-man and guy who got naked on stage,” she greeted.
“Hi Mara,” greeted Daniel and Andrew.
“So yeah, Robin will be missed,” said Daniel.
“I’m not a fan of American comedy, but Robin is the only few things I like about it,” said Andrew.
“Yeah, I’m into British comedy myself,” said Kirsten.
“You know, Kirsten,” began Daniel. “Interview With the Vampire was the first movie that I ever saw …….”
“Tits and a beaver?” asked Kirsten.
“Well, I was going to say ‘It was the first movie I ever saw you in’, but now that you’ve mentioned it,” said Daniel. “Well, I was at a friend’s house, he showed me that scene and the door flew open and it was his mum.”
“You were caught with boners?” asked Mara.
“Never expected the girl from Mrs Doubtfire to be so filthy minded,” said Andrew. “I love it.”
“Fuck, shit, ass, cunt, motherfucker, jerk-off and twat,” said Mara calmly.
Kirsten, Daniel and Andrew applauded.
“Former child star, Mara Wilson, everybody,” said Kirsten.
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber was still outside the house trying to find a way in. He had walked all around the outside of the house and no-one knew that he was there. He then looked up at the roof. He realized how to get in. He decided to climb up the drainpipe and to the roof.
Back inside, Mara was talking Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick.
“So I’m sorry, guys, but I still think Twilight sucks,” said Mara.
“That’s okay, Mara,” said Kristen and Anna as they gave her a big hug.
After they stopped hugged, Mara looked at them.
"You know, you guys both have something in common."
"What?" asked Kristen and Anna.
"Well," began Mara. "You both have big hair and you both stick out your upper teeth."
"WHAT?" asked Anna and Kristen in unison whilst covering their upper teeth with their top lips.
"You both are like rabbits," laughed Mara.
"Thanks Miss 'Thomas and the Magic Railroad'," snarked Kristen.
“Hey, let’s get hammered,” said Mara as she, Kristen and Anna headed to get more booze.
Daniel was showing Amanda something on his Smartphone. It was an episode of Pingu called "Pingu's Lavatory Story" where Pingu drinks too much juice and really needs the toilet very badly. They got up to the scene where Pingu actually pisses everywhere.
"Dude...... what?" asked a surprised Amanda.
Daniel just laughed. "I know right?"
"That's just wrong," said Amanda. "Where this show from again?"
"Switzerland," answered Daniel.
"I mean....... in Europe, you can show anything and get away with it," said Amanda. "You could probably show an erect penis in a family movie for all I know. And nobody would get offended."
"If you want extreme, then watch Japanese movies like Tokyo Gore Police and Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl," said Daniel.
"Japan is messed up," said Amanda. "But that's why we like it."
Shia and Channing were getting drunk as they sat on sofa.
“So…… I think……… Pauly Shore,” suggested Shia.
“No, dude……. no……. no…… fuck no,” slurred Channing. “It’s Carrot Top.”
“Well, I think it’s Pauly Shore,” slurred back Shia.
“No, Carrot Top,” slurred back Channing.
“What’s the debate here?” asked Kieran Culkin who just happened to be walking by.
“Who’s a more annoying cunt? Pauly Shore or Carrot Top?” explained Shia and Channing.
“Okay, have fun,” said Keiran as he walked away.
“Wait, wait, I know who is more annoying than those two,” said Channing.
"Gilbert Gottfried?" asked Shia.
"Well..... yeah," answered Channing. "That dude's voice alone is enough to make your head explode like in Scanners. Imagine him singing the National anthem."
"Ugh!" groaned Shia. "Imagine in that movie, Hostel, instead of torturing the victims by sticking needles into them and sawing their body parts off, make them watch Gilbert Gottfried do stand up. They'll be begging for torture. I'd do the same."
"Can't blame you," remarked Channing. "But you know who else is annoying?"
"Fran Drescher?" asked Shia. "Her laugh is another form of torture."
"Good one, but no," answered Channing. "No, I have someone even more annoying in mind."
"Chris Tucker?" asked Shia.
"Good guess, but no," answered Channing.
"I give up, dude,” asked Shia.
“That douche from Even Stevens,” laughed Channing.
“Fuck off,” said Shia.
Megan had just come out of the bathroom. She had taken a piss for the fifth time tonight. As she walked back into the living room, she walked past the 1990 Ninja Turtles poster on the wall. But something caught her eye. She stopped and looked at the poster again. Someone had written on it in biro "NOT THE SHITTY ONE WITH MEGAN FOX IN IT!!!!!!"
Kieran joined Macauley as he was talking to Olivia.
“So you co-own a school in Haiti?” asked Mac.
“Yeah, and one day we were meant to show the kids a French cartoon, but someone brought in Home Alone by mistake,” said Olivia. “So we showed them that movie and they loved the whole Christmas theme and what an American home looks like.”
“When did this happen?” asked Kieran,
“A few years ago,” said Olivia. “And it was the month of March.”
“They didn’t say ‘Who is that strapping young blonde boy, he’s fantastic’?” asked Mac.
“No, they thought he was overrated and said ‘No that kid with the glasses is the best performer’,” said Kieran. “They also said ‘Shame he didn’t have a lot of screentime’. They should’ve made a spin off on my character instead of doing a sequel which had the same fuckin’ plot.”
“Yeah, it would be called ‘Fuller McAlister: The story of a bed wetter’,” said Olivia.
“You know that scene from The Shining when the blood comes out of the elevator?” asked Mac. “Well, in Fuller’s case, it would be a big tidal wave of piss.”
“There is actually a Japanese movie called ‘Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead’,” said Kieran.
“WHAT?” asked Mac and Olivia.
“It’s about a girl who eats a tapeworm and she poops out shit zombies and they have to stop ‘em,” explained Kieran.
“Fuck off,” said Mac.
“It’s true,” said Kieran. “Google it if you don’t believe me.”
“Wonder if Milla J or Emma heard of it?” asked Olivia. “I’ll ask ‘em later.”
"By the way, Olivia," said Mac. "I loved that scene in The Third Person where you're naked in front of Liam Neeson. He must've had a massive erection."
"He did," said Olivia. "100% Ballymena pork."
Anna was talking to Channing.
"Just wanna say that your wife is the luckiest woman on Earth," said Anna.
"Oh thank you," said Channing.
Anna then hugged him.
For about 20 seconds.
"Anna, you can let go now," said Channing.
But Anna still held on.
"Anna?" asked Channing.
But she still wouldn't let go.
Milla J, Mila K, Ashton, Charlize, Megan, Demi, J-Law, Selena, Vanessa, Emma, Taylor, Kirsten and Kristen were watching the movie trailers and opening titles to shows on the TV. They had just watched the opening to Batman: The Animated Series, Superman: The Animated Series, Xena: Warrior Princess ("The Eighties had He-Man, the Nineties had this show," said Vanessa), Lois and Clark, Keanan and Kel, Ren and Stimpy ("Ever seen the episode where Ren's teeth brake and he pulls out his nerve endings?" asked Demi), Animaniacs (Yes, they all sang the theme song and the "Pinky and the Brain" theme too- "The Star Wars episode was brilliant" said J-Law), Bottom (RIP, Rik Mayall), Father Ted- the greatest show to come out of Ireland, Bump in the Night, Aladdin, Timon and Pumbaa, Men in Black: The Animated Series, The Magic School Bus, Beavis & Butt-head and Arthur (yes, they sang the theme song to that too, can you blame them?).
Oh, and Power Rangers.
Yes, they sang the ever so catchy song.
Then the opening for That 70’s show came on.
“Oh, there’s the show where you lied about your age,” Charlize said to Mila K.
“Yeah,” said Mila. “I got away with murder and no-one ever complained.”
"You were in That 70's Show and I was in Dazed and Confused," said Milla J. "Both of them were about the 70's."
"Plus you're both called 'Milla', you're both Ukrainian and were raised in California," added J-Law.
Everyone looked at her in agreement. Mila K cringed at how young she looked on the TV.
“Argh!” she said covering her eyes. “It’s like looking at an old photograph of yourself!”
“I don’t mind,” said Ashton. “I was handsome back then and still am today.”
“Did you play pranks on anybody on the set?” asked Kirsten.
“Yeah,” said Ashton. “This was pre-Punk’d. I was preparing myself.”
“You should write a book ‘How I pissed people off’,” suggested Emma. “And the front cover would be you looking smug.”
“Whilst wearing a suit,” said Kristen.
“Yeah,” said Ashton. “People would be like ‘Look at how handsome that guy is, I’ll buy it’. And it’s not just the ladies who’ll say that. C’mon I kissed fuckin’ Stifler.”
And to Milla J’s horror, the trailer for Return to the Blue Lagoon came on.
“Argh! Fuck!” she yelped.
“Taylor, why?” asked Milla.
“I said I have a trailer to every 90’s movie,” answered Taylor. “Good and bad.”
“That’s why she invited you, Milla,” said Jennifer. “To humiliate you with that trailer.”
“I’ll never listen to another song of yours again, Swift,” said Milla. “Oh God, I look weird.”
“Do you want a hug?” asked Selena.
“No,” said Milla. “Oh thank fuck the trailer’s over.”
“Oh Christ,” said Charlize. “Oh God no!”
The trailer for Children of the Corn 3 came on.
“Oh fuckin’ no,” she said. The others laughed.
“Which is worse, this movie or Raindeer Games?” asked Vanessa.
“Don’t make me choose!” said Charlize.
Daniel and Andrew were still talking about 90’s British Kids’ shows.
“Then there’s Sooty and Co,” said Daniel.
“And there was Tots TV,” said Andrew.
“Where were those kids’ parents?” asked Daniel.
“Yeah,” said Andrew. “And the same goes for the Teletubbies. Those fuckers creep me out. Owen Wilson was right. And don't get me started on Mr Blobby!”.
“Do you remember the Mario and Sonic cartoons?” asked Daniel.
“Oh yeah,” said Andrew. “Yeah Sonic Satam was the best, but Antoine was an annoying cunt. An-twat, more like!”
"And he was French," added Daniel. “Sonic should’ve sliced him in half.”
“You mentioned Mario,” said Andrew. “If they ever do make another Mario movie, Miley should play Yoshi.”
They both laughed and wiggled their tongues around.
“Hey, who would win in fight between Mick Jagger, Gene Simmons and Miley?” asked Andrew.
They laughed even more.
Channing walked across the room. Anna was still holding onto to him. And she would not let go.
The gang who were watching the TV intros were watching the opening titles for the animated series of The Mask, Ace Ventura and Dumb and Dumber.
“See, they made 3 cartoons based on Jim Carrey movies,” said Selena.
“Jim Carrey ruled the fuckin’ 90’s,” said Demi. “And the early 2000’s too.”
“He’s like the Mask himself, unstoppable,” said Vanessa.
“Have you ever seen Son of the Mask?” asked Megan.
“Don’t ever mention that movie’s name in my house, ever,” said Taylor.
“What about Dumb and Dumberer?” asked Emma.
Everyone shuddered again.
“Evan Almighty,” asked Charlize.
“Alright, can we stop mentioning sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don’t feature Jim Carrey?” asked Jennifer.
“Dumb and Dumberer is a prequel,” said Kristen.
“Shut up,” said everyone else.
"Jennifer, you had a scene that was cut out of Dumb and Dumber To, right?" asked Selena.
"Yeah, but I think it was for the best," said Jennifer, glad that she was cut out of that terrible movie.
From outside, Justin Beiber had fallen off the roof and landed on the ground. He decided to climb up the drainpipe again.
"There’s the trailer that shitty Frankenstein movie DeNiro was in,” said Charlize as the trailer for Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein came on.
“Yeah, that movie sucked,” said Aly Michalka. “It’s not scary at all and DeNiro was AWFUL!”
"Milla?" A. J. began to ask her. "When you did that movie with DeNiro, how did you feel about doing the ....."
"A.J., QUIT IT!" cried the others, desperately not wanting to hear about that scene from the movie "Stone" that Milla did with DeNiro.
"Milla," said Vanessa with disgust.
Milla just shrugged.
"Well, the important thing is I got paid and I actually got to work with Bobby, despite the fact that I saw his....."
“Milla, you know what they need to do a special edition on?” asked Megan.
“What?” asked Milla J.
“Your husband’s movie, Mortal Kombat,” answered Megan.
“Yep, we might do that, but we're busy with the new Resident Evil movie,” said Milla. "Oh, speak of the devil."
The commercial for Resident Evil 2 directed by George Romero came on.
"And you did the movies because your brother was a huge fan of the game?" asked Megan.
"Yeah," answered Milla. "We would spend hours playing the PlayStation and he was over the moon when he heard that they were making it into a movie. And he wanted me to do the movie so badly and I said yes."
Miley muttered under breath:
"Despite the fact that his friends saw you naked, and they probably jerked off to you."
"I heard that," said Milla.
"Had it not been for your brother's request you wouldn't have met your future husband or had two children," said Selena.
"Mmm-hmm," said Milla with agreement.
“By the way, tell your husband that we loved Event Horizon,” said Aly.
“You tricked me into watching it, skank!” said AJ.
“Yeah, you were like this…..”
She covered her face with her hands.
“Is the humping going to come on?” Aly imitated AJ.
“They were having a blood orgy,” said AJ.
“And it was awesome!” said Aly.
“Oh, the bit where the guy puts his hand in down his throat and vomits out his organs!” said Jennifer remembering.
“Fuck!” cried the others cringing.
Then the trailer to Batman and Robin came on.
Everyone laughed at the stupidity of it.
"When I did Up In The Air, everyone made fun of George," said Anna.
"Poor Uma Thurman," said Selena.
"Well, she did do Kill Bill, so that helped," said Mila K. "But look at her now."
"She needs to give Quentin a call," said Ashton.
"It's funny that we mentioned George and Quentin," began Mila. "Because......"
The trailer to From Dusk Till Dawn came on.
"Awesome," said Daniel. "Just awesome and the new series was good as well."
Outside, Bieber finally got on the roof. He needed to find a way in. He spotted a woman at the door ringing the door bell.
From inside, Taylor opened the door and allowed the guest in. It was none other than the star of Return of the Living Dead 3, Melinda Clarke.
“Mindy,” greeted Taylor.
“Sorry I was late, typical LA traffic,” said Melinda.
On the roof, Beiber watched the door close and growled in frustration.
Inside, Mara and Anna were having shots. Anna was secretly in tears and was using the shots to drown the sorrows away. Mara was finishing off her 30th shot to a surprised Anna Kendrick.
“Another shot!” demanded Mara.
“Mara, I think you……” began Anna.
“Another shot, dammit!” boasted a slightly tipsy Mara.
“Hey, look at Larson,” said Anna.
Brie was dressed in the same outfit as Mary.
“I feel good,” she said.
Just then Melinda Clarke came over to them.
“Oh my God, Melinda!” greeted Mary.
“Hello, ladies,” greeted Melinda. “Oh, I love your outfits!”
“Oh thanks,” said Mary and Brie.
Melinda looked at Brie.
"Aren't the girl who played the diva in Scott Pilgrim?" she asked her.
"Yeah," answered Brie.
"I just loved you in that movie," said Melinda. "This sexed up diva. She was my favourite character."
Brie felt honoured.
Justin Timberlake was talking to Melissa Joan Hart.
“So yeah, it’s a cheesy show, but that part of Sabrina’s charm,” said Melissa.
“You gotta love the bad canned laughter,” said Justin.
“You know why this show has canned laughter?” asked Melissa.
“Why?” asked Justin.
“Because that’s the only laughs the show will get,” answered Melissa.
“I’m looking at everyone and I feel like we’re in a fuckin’ Saved by the Bell reunion,” said Justin.
“Yet another cheesy show,” said Melissa. “Poor Elizabeth Berkley.”
“Yeah,” said Justin. “You know Charlize auditioned for her part in Showgirls.”
“Ouch,” said Melissa. “By the way, I saw Friends with Benefits, great ass.”
“Thanks,” said Justin. “And Mila used a double, cos she's a chicken.”
“Hey,” said Mila K who was walking by. “I’m Mila K, not Milla J. She had modeling experience, I don’t. She’s a nudist to the core. The same goes for Asia.”
“They’re European,” said Melissa.
“So am I, but I’m not stripping for anyone,” said Mila.
“Good bless Europe,” said Justin.
As the group continued to watch more intros to TV shows, Demi kept running her fingers through Megan’s hair.
“Fuck off, Demi,” said Megan.
“No,” said Demi. “You got that sexy Barbarella hair. You and Kristen.”
"Yeah, you do have a Barbarella thing going on," Milla J said to Megan.
Demi put her other hand into Kristen’s hair and ran her fingers through it.
"Oh that feels good, do that again," purred Kristen as Demi ran her fingers through her hair. Demi then sniffed her hair, Kristen got concerned.
"Whadya doin'?" she asked.
"Sorry, force of habit," said Demi.
Melinda was talking to Mary and Brie, but she noticed that the latter seemed very angry about something.
"Brie, you okay?" asked Melinda.
Brie was watching the TV. The trailer for the 1993 Super Mario Bros movie had come on and she was not happy, being a HUGE fan of the games herself.
She breathed intensely as she watched the trailer in anger. She was holding a can of beer and managed to crush it with ease.
"Brie, you just crushed a full can of beer," said an impressed Mary.
But Brie was too angry to talk. Melinda then decided to put her hands over Brie's eyes.
"That better?" she asked her.
"Mmm-hmm," said Brie, calming down.
"It's okay, the trailer is all over," said Melinda removing her hands.
"Good," said Brie. "Sorry, I get a little angry when that FUCKIN' movie.......... I need a drink."
She saw that she crushed the beer can and was confused.
"Huh!" she said. "Never did that before."
"Remember the Mario cartoon?" asked Mary.
"Which one?" asked Brie.
"All of them," said Mary.
"Yeah, the animation is crap, but it stayed true to the games," said Brie. "Unlike the FUCKIN'........."
"Brie, calm down," said Mary.
"Ugh, there's four Mario related things that piss me off," said Brie. "1: Peach, useless damsel in distress. 2: Yoshi's annoying voice from Yoshi's Story. 3: Baby Mario from Yoshi's Island screaming over and over and OVER! And 4: Oogtar, the annoying little bastard from the Super Mario World cartoon."
Daniel couldn't help but overhear Brie.
"Yeah, he was a little shit," he said. "There was one episode where he was hanging over a dinosaur pit and Mario had to save him before the rope breaks."
"Shame Mario saved him in time," said Brie.
"You noticed that Oogtar looked like Bill from Bill and Ted?" asked Daniel.
"Oh Christ," said Melinda.
The trailer to Spawn came on and Melinda cringed.
"Good God, did that movie suck," said Daniel. "But there were only three good things about it; John Leguizamo as Clown, the soundtrack and Melinda in latex."
"Thanks," said Melinda. "By the way, I saw pictures of you doing that play Equus. I didn't know that you were Jewish."
“Where the fuck is Cyrus?” asked Selena. “That Ipecac must’ve kicked in right now.”
“HEY, BITCHES! LOOK AT ME!”
Everyone looked up at the ceiling and Miley was out of her mind swinging on a chandelier.
“Who am I, motherfucker?” she asked.
“You’re a stupid bitch swinging on a chandelier,” said Demi.
“No, I’m doing Wrecking Ball, bitches…………… oooooooohhhhhhhhhh!”
A huge rumbling noise came from Miley's stomach. She felt sick.
“Cyrus, if you puke in this house, so help me…….” began Taylor.
On the roof, Beiber had found a window. He opened it and peeked his head in.
“Cyrus, puke at that open window!” cried Vanessa.
Everyone from bellow moved out of the way as Miley faced at the window.
She failed to notice Beiber was peeking his head in through.
Miley opened her mouth and…………..
Everyone groaned in disgust as she projectile vomited a massive fucking spray out of the window. The vomit hit Beiber and sent him flying off the ceiling and into a tree.
Miley continued to puke as everyone either watched or looked away.
"Have you ever seen Guest House Paradiso?" Daniel asked Andrew.
"I was thinking more Problem Child 2," said Andrew.
Charlize and Milla J were watching in disgust. Shia came up behind them.
"Does that take you back to your modeling days?" he asked in a smart ass way.
Milla and Charlize both elbowed him hard right in the face, causing him to fall to the floor.
As Miley had finished puking, she let go off the chandelier. She fell and landed into Justin Timberlake’s arms.
“Oh, Timberlake, I always wanted to fuck you,” she slurred.
“It’s time for you to go home, Cyrus,” said Taylor.
“But the auction,” said Miley.
“You’ve had your chance and you blew it,” said Taylor. "Literally."
“I’ll do it,” said Charlize. “I’ll be mother.”
So, Charlize agreed to walk the drunken Miley home.
As they left the house, they had failed to notice poor Bieber trapped in a tree.
“Help! Help!” he yelled. But they didn’t hear him. Their eardrums were pounding due to the loud music in there.
Because of the smell of the vomit, all the windows had to be opened. Which made Bieber more frustrated because he had lost his chance.
Back inside, the party continued. There was more TV openings on the TV. The gang were watching the opening to The Fresh Prince.
“Oh yeah, motherfucker,” said Emma.
They got to the bit in the intro where the bullies spun Will around.
“I got into one little fight and my mom got scared…….”
“You didn’t get into a fight, they just spun you around for a bit,” said Aly.
“They probably put him down when they finished and said ‘Bye bye’ and ran off,” said Kirsten.
“We just like to spin people for fun, that’s all,” said J-Law.
And then, the opening to Pokemon came on.
“YES!” cried everyone.
“Ah, I was such a Pokefreak,” said Megan.
"My brother was a huge fan, too," said Milla J.
“Everyone at school was singing this song,” said Emma. “Teachers were like ‘Shut up’!”
“Anybody ever watched the movies?” asked Taylor.
“Saw the first movie, it sucked,” said Kristen.
“Where the fuck does it say in the Pokemon bible that Pokemon’s tears can bring you back from the dead?” asked Jennifer.
“Yeah!” said the others.
“I say let Ash be a statue, he’s an Ash-hole, anyways,” said AJ.
“Yeah, he’s always boasting about himself, the cunt,” said Daniel.
And the Spice World trailer came on afterwards.
“Oh fuck!” cried Emma with joy.
“It’s so shitty, but it’s awesomely shitty,” said Jennifer.
“It’s up there with The Room, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Machete Kills,” said Andrew.
“Or any of Milla J’s movies,” said Vanessa.
They all laughed. So did Milla. Brie then came up to them.
"Did you say Room, I just making that movie last year?" she asked Andrew.
"No, THE Room, with Tommy Wiseau," corrected Andrew.
"Alright," said Brie. "As soon as they asked me to be in Room, I thought they were doing a remake of The Room and I would play Lisa."
"Ah ha ha, wot a story, Brie," said Daniel in a Tommy Wiseau voice.
"Can't wait to see James Franco's movie," said Kristen
“Remember you were so scared of the aliens in Spiceworld when you were little?” Aly asked AJ.
“Stop fucking picking on me, skank!” said AJ.
“I’m your older, prettier and more talented sister,” said Aly. “It’s my job to do that.”
“Oh, catfight,” said Ashton as he placed his hand on his crotch, hoping that Mila wouldn't notice.
"Have you ever played the Spiceworld PlayStation game?" Vanessa asked Emma.
"No," answered Emma.
"It sucked," said Vanessa. "You pick one of the girls, who look like bobbleheads, you pick a song, put the song together in order like a jigsaw, I would put the song out of order for a goof, make the girls dance, watch them dance and you've finished the game. Your prize is a 20 minute interview with the girls with concert and tour footage............ and that's it. No challenge or anything."
"That's weak, dude," said Megan. "Why do games based on pop culture suck?"
A few minutes later, Taylor held an auction that featured a Super Nintendo, Sega Mega Drive (or Genesis), a PS1, and games for all systems. There was also VHS’s, comic books, PC games and action figures.
All of these things were sent in by the guests and all the money was going to charity.
Everyone was all bidding. Brie had just bidded countless Nintendo games including SNES games, N64 games and Game Boy games.
"Isn't this the real reason why you came here tonight, Miss Larson?" asked Taylor.
Brie nodded and everyone laughed.
"Sold to Envy Adams," said Taylor as Brie collected her goodies. "And might I say, you were just so sexy in that movie."
"Thank you, Tay," said Brie with a smile.
"I suppose you kept the wig, the dress and the boots for those hot nights," said Taylor.
"Well, everything except the wig," replied Brie.
“Okay, next we have the soundtrack to Ninja Turtles 2,” said Taylor.
Megan immediately put her her hand up.
“I bid 10,” she said.
“Anyone else?” asked Taylor.
“Sold to April O’Neil,” said Taylor. "Next we have a PS1 game, it is………. The Fifth Element.”
There was a long pause.
Kirsten was elbowing Milla J’s arm.
“Fuck off, Mary Jane,” said Milla.
“Hey same initials,” said Kirsten.
“I fuckin’ hate that bitch,” said Milla.
“I don’t blame you,” said Kirsten. “It’s not fair, you got to play the sexy zombie ass kicker and I was stuck doing damsel in distress.”
“That’s life,” said Milla.
“Anyone?” asked Taylor.
No-one dared to bid.
“Okay, moving on. We have The Simpsons arcade game.”
Immediately, everyone started bidding like crazy!
“150!”, “200!”, “230!”
“600!” cried J-Law.
Everyone groaned. They didn’t have that much dough.
“Anybody have more than that?” asked Taylor.
“Sold to Mystique!”
“Yes!” cried Jennifer.
Later at 3am, all the guests (some of them drunk) left the house. They all said goodbye to Taylor.
“Best fuckin’ party ever, bitches!” cried Emma as she and J-Law pushed the Simpsons arcade machine on a trolley.
"Jen, you do know I'm going to show up at your house, uninvited, many, many, many, MANY times."
“We must do this again, Tay,” said Anna.
Mary and Brie were walking with a drunken Melinda Clarke.
“Girls, us three are gonna hit the clubs,” said Melinda. "Party all night long!"
She drunkenly started to sing Wigfield',s Saturday Night as Mary and Brie dragged her out.
“It’s gonna be a long night,” said Mary.
"Where does she live?" asked Brie.
Mara Wilson came out drunkenly.
“I had a great night, Swift, and not one of youse mentioned that fuckin’ movie I always got pestered about. This is why I fuckin’ left show bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……..”
“Miracle on 34th Street is smacked off her tits,” said Daniel carrying his SNES games. But then he realized something. All of the SNES games were American ones.
"FUCK!" he shouted. But he was glad that he gave money to charity.
Rumer Willis walked out of the house pushing a wheelbarrow, and inside it was a drunken Shia in his underwear. He babbled incoherently.
"Oh, the things I'm going to do to you, LeBeouf," said Rumer with an evil smirk.
Following Rumer was AJ. She couldn’t find Aly anywhere. She stood outside the front of the house.
“Aly, curlyhead, where are you?” she asked.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……… Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy………..,” moaned Aly.
AJ looked to where the voice was coming from. A darkened corner.
It was Aly standing out of the darkness.
“I am home,” she said as she walked backwards into the darkness just like Dr Weir in Event Horizon.
“Stop it!” cried AJ.
“At least I didn’t do a blood orgy,” said Aly.
As all 200 of the guests left, not one of them noticed poor Beiber stuck in the tree.
No-one could hear him.
Everyone else had either walked or drove home.
Finally, Taylor was left alone.
She looked around the empty house and saw empty beer bottles and paper plates everywhere.
The auction had raised about 60, 587 dollars. She was happy.
She was also glad that the party was caught on camera.
She looked around and was proud of herself.
“Best 90’s party ever! Infact, best party of all time! Period!”
She yawned. She was tired. Time for bed.
And poor Biebs was still stuck in the tree.