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11 songs for Phan.

Chapter Text

In 999 of 1000 bars and clubs in London, you weren't allowed to smoke.

These were a joke and a massive waste of time for twenty-two year-old Dan Howell.

But as always, Dan did find this one club in which he was allowed to smoke.

Dan kept his alcohol-waste on the low and his nicotine-waste on the high whenever he was going out.

He liked drunk guys, but he, himself was an awkward and pathetic drunk, so he rather kept it to a glass or two of whatever he's being given and watched other people getting wasted, getting horny, getting absolutely fucked up.

Drunk guys.

The male's eyes wandered through the crowd. Eighty percent of the club visitors were girls with low tops and high skirts. Disgusting. He was sure that, even if he was straight, he'd have no eyes for girls who dressed up like prostitutes after their afternoon-shift.
Then again, there were twenty percent of guys in this club, of which, surely, eighteen percent were straight and/or taken. Now it was up to Dan to find that one guy that was neither straight, nor taken, and had some serious interest in him, as well. He sighed and glanced at the cherry of his cigarette as he lit it up.

Shortly, a cloud of smoke prevented him from seeing anything that was happening in front of him, but with a small flutter of his hand, Dan had free sight again.

And he could've sworn that this one guy hadn't been there just a few second ago. Dan's mouth fell open as he noticed he was being eyed by a god-like dude with black hair, and even from the other side of the room, he could feel the blue of the other male's eyes piercing his.

See, Dan had always been very self-confident with flirting, with talking, with being himself, everything. But never before a guy had looked at him like that, eyes full of lust and interest, his posture screaming 'Here I am, let's fuck shit up.' Dan had a hard time trying to stay cool, but he really couldn't. He took a puff of his cigarette without taking his eyes off of the stranger, feeling the hot ashes falling down onto his fingers. Instead of wincing or pulling a face, he put all his courage together to wink at the black-haired male, who returned the gesture with a really, really hot smirk. The male set in motion just as Dan let out some smoke and arrived next to him in a matter of seconds.

"Smoke up, then let's go", he said into Dan's ear, voice so deep it covered all of the music surrounding them, or did Dan only feel like it did? Usually he was the one to give orders, nobody had ever dared to think otherwise, but it wasn't like the brown-haired cared, in fact, he wasn't even able to think properly.

"O-okay", he stuttered back and turned to the ashtray behind him to get rid of the cigarette, "´m ready." He smiled at the stranger, who grabbed his shoulder tightly, yet not rough, and shoved him all the way to the entrance.

Breathing some fresh air, Dan felt like he'd been in this club for way too long. He hadn't even been sure how long exactly it had been, he lost every feeling for time and place. Probably, if he'd have to find his apartment now, he'd end up on a plane to Costa Rica.

"Pretty boy, don't stop walking." The other male took his hand, as if this was the way it was supposed to be, and slowly walked next to him. They must've looked like a casual gay couple on their way home after a little bit of clubbing. "My name's Phil, by the way."

They crossed the road and Dan decided to cool down his thoughts before replying. "Nice, Phil. I'm Dan."

"Dan. Sweet name, suits you. But it doesn't matter, because mine will be the name you'll be screaming."

Dan should've felt disgusted by the way Phil talked to him. But instead, he felt utterly excited and couldn't help but let out a whisper, saying "Fuck, yes."

He had no idea where they were going. But when they stopped in front of an apartment house and Phil seemed to be looking for something in his pockets, which turned out to be his keys, Dan knew. They walked up the stairs, Dan following the other male in silence, and as Phil's door fell close behind them, the black-haired dropped his keys onto the floor and, without hesitation, pushed the younger male against the wall, keeping him there by crossing his fingers with Dans and his body slightly pushed against him.

"You smell like wine, and smoke", Phil said with a husky voice before leaving several kisses on Dan's neck.

As Phil gently bit his ear lobe, Dan couldn't help but moan a little. He was pinned up against a wall, Phil's leg teasingly pushed against his crotch, all of these factors coming together made him go crazy.

The older male let go of his hands just to start undressing him. Dan couldn't remember taking off his shoes as he entered the flat, but apparently it had happened. His leather jacket soon hit the floor and after some troubles of unbuttoning Dan's shirt, Phil dropped it on the floor and took his hand once more, only to pull him into a room that turned out to be his bedroom.

For the first impression Dan's gotten of Phil, he wouldn't have been surprised if they would've done it right out there on the streets. But this was fine.
Which wasn't fine for him, was that he was being Phil's puppet. Dan liked being dominated, but he loved dominating just as much. His bedroom behavior was nothing from the person Dan usually was. So, before Phil could come into action one more time, the boy pushed him onto the bed, giving him only a few seconds to get comfortable before sitting down on him, crotch on crotch. Dan smirked and winked at Phil for the second time that night, even more confident than what felt like just a few minutes ago.

He leaned down to leave small bite marks on the older's neck, gaining some really quiet moans. "Dear, who thought you could be such a tease", Phil said, head leaned back, eyes closed and a smile on his face.

Dan grabbed the seam of Phil's shirt and took it off of him with some help, throwing it onto the floor, just before sliding down on Phil's legs to unbuckle his jeans. Pulling them down along with the boxers, Phil's erection popped out and Dan couldn't help but smile. Well, that was easy.

"I can be much more of a tease, you know", Dan said, voice low and eventually threw Phil's pants and boxers onto the shirt on the floor. There they were, naked Phil and still half-naked Dan. But instead of complaining about all of these clothes, Dan leaned down once more to take Phil into his mouth.

"Oh, fuck", the older one moaned. Dan grabbed Phil's hands and pinned them onto the sheets to prevent him from doing anything stupid. Instead of working his mouth or tongue along Phil's shaft, Dan drove small circles on the black-haired's tip with his tongue, nonstop. "Jesus Christ, what are you doing?" Phil was panting, his fingers were pressing Dan's a bit too hard, but he liked it, he liked it a lot. Dan had good control of avoiding Phil's thrusts, he wouldn't take him completely, for that, he enjoyed being a tease way too much. "Just... please...", Phil cried out, but instead of giving the older one what he wanted, Dan intensified the tongue and sucking game a little more.

Maybe a bit too much.

Phil pulled his hands away, leading Dan to immediately raise his head and lock his eyes at the other male, who was glaring at him with a lot of lust and anger in his eyes. Yes, this is where I wanted to be.

Just a matter of seconds later, one of Phil's hands was grabbing Dan's arms, the other one around the brown-eyed's neck, and their lips and tongues were leading a war. Dan's head felt woozy, Phil's warm breath in his mouth, his finger nails digging into his skin, and he was barely able to breathe because Phil's grip around his neck tightened with every breath. But he loved it. The older male took his hands off of him, to unbuckle his pants and take them off with a quick move, mindlessly throwing them onto the floor next to his own clothes. "Bend over", he commanded, reaching over to the bedside table to grab the lube. As soon as Dan had bent over, Phil put some of it onto his fingers and slid in, two fingers at once. "Shit, you could've warned me at least", the boy hissed, teeth pressed together.

Phil huffed a little laugh and spread his fingers, just before putting in a third finger. Dan's elbows, which had granted him great support until that moment, immediately started shaking by the moment Phil hit his prostate and the brown-eyed let out a loud moan. "Shit."

Phil pulled out his fingers and slowly pulled on Dan's shoulders so he would lie on his left side. The older male quickly got down behind him, his chest pressed to Dan's back and his lips close to the younger one's ear. "Let's see how you like that, you little cockslut", he whispered, before pushing into Dan.

"Fuck", Dan whined in pleasure. Phil shortly pulled out and and roughly thrusted in again.

He kept up the pace until he found an angle that seemed to please Dan. "Oh god, Phil, shit." He bit his lip and dug his fingers into Phil's arm, who had somehow found his way around Dan, his hand once more around nis neck.

"This is so good Dan, keep going", Phil whispered, voice heavy and slightly panting.

"I- I can't, Phil, please." Dan's grip on Phil's arm tightened and Phil would've loved to hear Dan's moans and whines a little longer if it wouldn't have been for himself; he felt he was close to climaxing. Phil's thrusts kept getting harder and he let go of Dan's neck to start working up and down his shaft and he had to admit, the younger boy lying there in pleasure, thrusting into his hand while whimpering and crying out his name, that was sugar to Phil's soul.

"Fuck, Dan, I'm gonna-" The black haired couldn't even finish speaking, his body started shaking and he heard himself screaming "God, Dan", before coming in Dan. A few aftershocks of Phil's climax brought Dan to his orgasm as well and Phil felt the warm semen running down his hands. He took a few seconds to relax, then pulled out of Dan and fell onto his back.

"We should do this more often", Dan said after a few minutes of silence, still panting.

"You are definitely getting my number."

"I, I just really like sex." Dan turned to Phil with a smirk on his face.

"I do, too."

Chapter Text

Keep your fingers off of my boyfriend.

The words were still ringing in Phil's ears.

There's nothing you can give him.

Phil took a deep breath.

In fact, I've got so much more than you.


All of these words, told by a girl that never had understood how she was just an excuse, an alibi for Dan to hide who he really was and what he really felt.

Phil would've loved to just raise his voice, tell her that it had not been her body that has been covered with Dan's kisses and scratch marks, that it never had been her who'd gotten to hear whispered I love you's in the middle of the night when Dan thought she was sleeping, or that hers never was the first number Dan would dial when he was drunk at three in the morning, breaking down in tears by the Thames because he was sick of hiding his real self.

But there were two issues. First off, Phil had never learned to raise his voice. He was that kind of person who'd keep it all in and cry about it in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep because all of these thoughts were haunting him.
And also, it had been some kind of family meet up of Dan's, which Phil was invited to because Dan wanted to introduce his 'best friend' to his parents. So there wouldn't have been a way for Phil to attack Grace with his words without revealing Dan's sexuality to his whole family.
Instead, Phil took a deep breath, glanced at Dan who was standing be the buffet, shyly smiling at him, then shook his head and turned around on his heels, walking away from the party as inconspicuously as possible.


His battery had already been dead on his way to the party, so he couldn't have told what time it was if it wouldn't have been for the big clock at the train station.
It was very close to midnight; if Phil was lucky enough he could make his way to the main station to catch his last train home.
Just when he thought of that he remembered that he had forgotten his backpack at Dan's. He wanted to stay there overnight and even though he knew Grace was going to stay the night as well, he used to look forward to it. Now he couldn't await to get back home, strip off this horrible suit and go to bed, crying himself to sleep.


Phil was happy he had his own place.
There was no need to tell his worrying parents why he came home at almost four in the morning when he wanted to stay at someone's place overnight, and he wouldn't have to apologize to anyone about leaving a track to his bed with only his clothes.
He was too tired and sad to put something else on, so he found himself lying in his bed with nothing but his boxers. For a moment, he reached over to his bedside table to find the alternative charger he'd gotten a while back.

Just as he had plugged in his phone, it wouldn't stop buzzing.

62 messages. 36 missed calls. 8 messages left on hic voice mail.

Phil took a deep breath, wondering if it would've been better to tell Dan where he was going. He scrolled through most of the messages, of which the first 50-something were angry and worried Where are you's. The latest messages had been sent merely twenty minutes ago.

Phil, really, I'm worried about you.

I hope you're safe.

If you don't reply within the next 5 minutes I'll be making my way to hour place.

On my way.

Suddenly, Phil was all awake again.

There was no way for Dan to come here with the train. In fact, the earliest train that would be going would be the one at six-something in the morning. If Dan would've managed to get anyone to drive him here, he would be here in about two and a half hours.

Truth was, Phil never would have expected that Dan would drop everything just to make sure he was fine. Of course, Dan had been visiting him many times over the past two years, but those were completely different circumstances. Dan's family and friends always supposed that Phil was simply just his best friend, so they never complained about Dan to come and visit Phil for a few days or even weeks. Those visits were always plannes out by at least one of them. Worrying was never a part of those. just happiness and surprises, hugs and kisses.

Dan's family and friends always supposed that Phil was simply just his best friend.

The black-haired repeated this one sentence for a while, before widening his eyes. They did. So, how did Grace know Phil was more than just Dan's best friend? How could she, without hesitation, come at Phil and whisper those mean words to him if she never had a clue? How did she find out? Did Dan know that Grace found out?


Phil had been so busy with his thoughts in these past hours that the ringing of the doorbell almost got him jumping out of his bed. A short look at his phone told him it had almost been seven in the morning, and if Dan's messages were to trust, he knew exactly who was standing in front of his door.

The ringing intensified. Several rings turned into a loud, non-stop sound that got Phil wishing he'd be deaf.

He opened the door and as soon as he had realized it was actually Dan standing in front of him, he broke down into the younger's arms without hesistation.

It took a few moments of crying and hugging for both of the boys until Phil noticed the woman standing by the car, an exhausted smile on her face. He straightened his back and whiped off the tears on his face. "Mrs Howell, hey".

He had only gotten to talk to her for about five minutes at the party, but she pushed herself away from the car and walked up to Phil, embracing him as if he'd been her own son. "Oh Phil, don't you dare making Dan worry about you that much, ever again."

All of a sudden, Dan chuckled. "My Mum knew all along. She told me on our drive here." He punched Phil's shoulder softly.

"But Grace-"

"Took a lot of time to secretly read all of my messages." Dan rolled his eyes. "Predictable, wasn't it?"

Phil huffed a laugh. He couldn't believe what was happening right now. He shook his head at Dan, because it seemed so surreal that he was here just a few hours after Phil had left the party, completely devastated. "You aren't planning on driving home now, are you?"

Mrs Howell cleared her throat. "Absolutely not. Phil, I'd gladly take over your sofa today, I'm quite exhausted."


While they were able to hear Dan's mother snore in the room next to them, the two boys couldn't manage to sleep.

Instead, they left kisses on each other's necks and lips, so full of love they never wanted to stop.

"I love you, Phil", Dan said with a clear voice.

It was the first time in two years that Dan had said those words without supposing Phil was asleep.

"I love you too, Dan."

Chapter Text

Get your shit together, Daniel

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. No, I glared at my reflection.

I still blamed myself for Phil's death. If I would've agreed on going to this damn party with him; if I wouldn't have been too drunk to realize he was calling; if I would've been able to pick him up that night, he wouldn't have run into that car because he was in a hurry to catch the bus home.

I took a deep breath to stop myself from crying again.

I didn't want to cry.

I cried for three months straight.

And for fuck's sake, I couldn't believe it has been only three months. Because it felt like an eternity since Phil hadn't been with me anymore. All of those lonely nights, all of this crying myself to sleep and waking up on a wet pillow, realizing it was a sunny day, just before I started crying again.

Even with my lack of facial hair, in those three months I had managed to grow a beard.

And today... Today I woke up at around six in the evening- I couldn't even remember going to bed that late -and I knew something had to change.

Phil wouldn't have wanted this. He wouldn't want me to waste my life away crying over his. He wouldn't want me to let myself go. Shortly after waking up, I'd seen his face, some appearence in a dream that slowly faded away the more I opened my eyes.

And suddenly, I was wide awake.

Because I remembered.

I remembered that one night, when we were sitting at the Thames, Phil drunkenly staring at me, while I was staring at the water, shimmering from all of these London nights. Oh, if I only would've noticed how Phil's eyes shone when he looked at me, I never would've looked at the water. But I remembered. I remembered how he took my hand while I refused to look at him, just because my face heated up every time he touched me, yes, even when he talked to me about the most casual stuff there ever was.
It was two weeks before he dight, and he must've knew something was going to happen. Because all of a sudden, he'd started crying, only for a few seconds, but I could feel the tears silently rolling down his cheeks. A matter of seconds later, his voice was strong, as if nothing had happened, and he talked to me, so quietly I wondered if he could even hear his own words.

But I did.

I just forgot about it.

And my, was I stupid for forgetting such important things.

"Dan, Dan please look at me." And I did. And my heart broke into a million pieces. Because there'd been so much sadness in his eyes and it drove me crazy to not know why. "Dan, if anything will ever happen to me, please promise me something."

"Why would something happen to you?" My voice was shaking, I was scared. Because we were happy that night and suddenly, we weren't.

"Just promise me."

"I promise."

"If something will happen to me, please, promise me that you won't be crying over me for too long. Get your life back into place, where it had been before our paths crossed. Go out and have fun. Know that, wherever I will be when something will happen to me, I will be waiting for you. But promise me you will continue living your life. Can you do this?" His grip around my fingers was too tight, but I didn't notice. All I noticed was all that pain in his eyes.

And I couldn't help but start crying, and I said "I promise", and in a matter of seconds that pain in Phil's eyes was gone and his lips were on mine and what we said was forgotten.

Until I woke up today.

I woke up, and I remembered.

And now I was standing there, on the toilet in this horrible club with this horrible music, wearing my fanciest, white button-up and tight black pants and it felt wrong but also so right and I didn't know what to do. All around me were people having fun and getting drunk and grinding against each other. I wanted neither one of these things.

Not without Phil.


I felt a lump in my throat but hell, no, I wasn't going to cry. Instead, I turned away from the mirror, left the toilets and walked out of the club.

Standing in front of it, I knew all I really wanted was that I'd rather be home right now.

So I made my way home.

And it hit me when I was standing at the bus stop.

It hit me so hard, I had to stand still because I couldn't breathe anymore and I felt so stupid because I hadn't realized.

Phil never intended catching this bus.

Because this bus was never driving.

No bus drove off of this station after midnight.

I stared down the street to where Phil was hit by a car.

He texted me that night, he was going to take the bus at 1am and that I shouldn't stay up waiting for him and I didn't because I'd been drunk and I woke up to this absolute fucking mess around me. I believed him. Of course I did, he never had a reason to lie to me.

But that night he did.

And he knew, the time we sat on the Thames, that he'd do something to himself.

I didn't understand why.

But suddenly, I felt like it had been my fault even more. Because I should've talked to him, I should've fucking noticed something wasn't right with him. And I didn't believe the police when they told me that Phil wasn't trying to catch the bus, that it had been suicide. I didn't believe them, because my Phil, my happy, caring and loving Phil had no reason to commit suicide.

But apparently he had.

And I felt bad.

I really wanted to go home.

But there was no bus driving after midnight.

Not from this station.

I took a cab. The driver talked to me about soccer and summer and pretty girls with shorts skirts but I didn't listen because I didn't understand any of this. I paid him, wordless.

And I came home and I can't remember anything but crying and crying and so much more crying.

I had broken my promise.

I couldn't possibly live my life the way I did before I met Phil.

Because I couldn't remember my life without Phil.

Chapter Text

They could have spent their night on the sofa in Dan's apartment in their boxers, surrounded by one, maybe two fans keeping them cool, because even after 10pm it was still quite hot outside and Dan never managed to close his windows before it was getting too hot in his flat.

Or Phil would suggest to take a ride with the car and Dan would just agree on it because Dan always agreed to anything Phil suggested, because that's the kind of lover he was.

He wouldn't expect that Phil would drive an hour into no specific direction, just so he could stop at a gas station to grab a bottle of Whiskey, some snacks and a pack of cigarettes, which was senseless, because neither of the men smoked. And he drove another hour, over field roads and through the woods and if Dan and Phil wouldn't have dated for a few years by that point, he would of been sure Phil tried to get him into his secret cabin in the woods to manically slaughter him.

But he trusted him, the way he never could trust anyone else before.

So when they finally arrived at what seemed to be Phil's goal, Dan didn't even have to get out of the car to see the beauty in front of him. Behind them, there was just woods. But in front of them, at the bottom of the hill they appeared to be on, there were thousands of lights, shining into the night, of a city Dan couldn't recognize, and honestly he didn't dare to ask because it was just so beautiful.

What was also beautiful, was the fact that Dan could literally feel the look Phil had thrown at him. The older man didn't even mind the sight, or the fact it was midnight by now and he had no idea if they'd even make it home that night.

Everything Phil cared about was Dan. It was always Dan. Unexceptionally.

"This is beautiful", Dan said, and as his eyes slowly wandered off of the city lights and onto Phil, he immediately felt as if he was drowning in the older man's gaze. "And you are beautiful."

Phil didn't say anything, instead he smiled and sighed, as if Dan had just said something stupid but cute, as well.

He leaned in and quickly brushed his lips with Dan's. "I got us a little something", Phil mumbled, reaching onto the backseat to grab the bottle of Whiskey he'd bought earlier.

"Aren't we planning on going back home tonight?", Dan asked, a giggle escaping his lips.

"I don't care", Phil replied, voice soft, a smile surrounding his lips. And once more, Dan agreed. He didn't care either, as long as he was with Phil.

He softly took the bottle out of Phil's hand, opening it quick and taking his first gulp. "Jesus Christ, this is horrible."

"Should've gotten a little something to mix it with, but well", Phil said after taking a gulp as well and pulling a face of disgust.

Somehow, they had managed to drink a third of the bottle without having to throw up from the liquor burning in their throats.
But to be fair, they were more than just a little drunk. In a moment of clear thought, Dan found himself giggling about Phil lovingly playing with his fingers while singing Tearing up My Heart.
But then the younger man was a drunken man again and he stretched his legs to rest them in Phil's lap and watched how the other male played with his fingers, while continuing to sing cheesy love songs which either Dan or Phil or both of them hated.

This is nice, Dan thought, throwing his head back and closing his eyes, enjoying the sound of Phil's deep voice and the way he couldn't even sing but still, it didn't seem to stop him.

At some point, Phil stopped singing and Dan's eyes popped open in surprise. He found the older man staring at him, the look in his eyes giving Dan shivers. They were full of love and full of lust and so full of a million little take me now's that Dan couldn't resist. He pulled his legs back and got on his knees, quickly leaning in to throw one of his arms around Phil's neck while his free hand was busy pulling at the seam of Phil's shirt, eventually sliding under it and feeling the warmth of the other male's skin underneath his fingers, all of this while their lips locked and neither Dan nor Phil could think of anything else but feeling each other's breath in their mouths and the little skin on skin that was going on.

None of the men realized it's been this hot outside by that time. But both of them also counted in the possibility of their bodies' interactions being the cause of all this heat.

Phil interrupted the kiss and Dan could hear him panting, and dear, it turned him on so badly and all he wanted in this very moment was for Phil to be inside him, to take every piece of him because he was his, anyway.

And while Phil left soft pecks along Dan's neck and lead his tongue over the younger male's jaw line, he couldn't help but notice Dan tasted salty from all the sweat, but it was nice, like the way you'd lick your lips after a day at the shore and notice they were salty, it was nice, and Dan was Phil's shore at any time.

"Phil", Dan whispered, and the other male understood. Phil's hands slid under Dan's shirt, the brunette shivering in pleasure from the touch. With a smart move, Phil pulled Dan's shirt over his head and threw it onto the backseat, where Phil's shirt already had been and neither of the man could remember how it had gotten there, but none of them really cared.

"Now, that's going to be a bit complicated, isn't it?", Phil chuckled as he unbuckled Dan's belt. The younger one shook his head in return.

"We just gotta make sure nobody sees us", he replied a few seconds later, pulling away from Phil and opening the door on the passengers site. Quickly, he got out of the car and took off his shoes, along with his trousers.
Phil found himself doing the same thing, before getting around the car to pull Dan in for a kiss again, pushing him against the car, feeling his erection touch Dan's through their boxers.

"Come on", Dan mumbled into the kiss, half a smirk surrounding his lips. One of Phil's hands kept holding on to the roof of the car next to Dan, while the other left little fingerprints on the younger male's body, eventually sliding through the waistband of Dan's boxers and closing around his member.

"Shit", the brunette moaned as Phil moved his hand along his shaft. This only lasted a few seconds before Dan's boxers hit the floor, and the younger male didn't hesitate to pull off Phil's boxers as well, just before they decided to continue on the backseat of the car, for obvious reasons.

Phil got in at first and when Dan got down on his lap, both the men moaned from the touch of their erections.

Phil left little fingerprints on the brunette's spine for a bit, making him shiver once more.

Their foreheads were slightly touching and when Phil took his hand off of Dan's back and lead three of his fingers to Dan's lips, the younger male didn't hesitate to part his lips and let Phil's fingers slip in. Dan's mouth had been so dry from all the warmth and the kissing that he barely could believe it when the older male pulled his fingers out of Dan's mouth and they were actually wet.

"Two at once", Phil said, and Dan knew it wasn't a question but a little bit of a warning, so when Phil put two fingers into Dan, the brunette tried to not bite Phil's shoulder too hard, but they both knew it'd leave a mark for at least two weeks.

"Shit", Dan moaned as Phil parted his fingers, hitting the prostate. Phil repeated his move a few times, making Dan moan a little more and a little louder each time.
By the time Phil put his third finger into Dan, the younger man was shaking and panting, leaving kisses on Phil's neck and shoulder, one of his hands clinging into the hair of the older male, the other one stroking his back gently.

"Now", Dan said, and Phil reacted by pulling his fingers out of Dan.

Their lips interlocked as Dan slowly got down on Phil, taking him in.

To Dan, there was nothing better than to fully embrace Phil. The moans he'd breathe into Dan's mouth, which tasted a little like Whiskey, the way Phil shivered whenever Dan got down on him a little harder, the way Phil gently bit his lips, murmuring a well of curses and lovely words from all the pleasure.

Phil met Dan as good as possible, his hands all over the younger male's body while Dan's hands were still either locked in Phil's hair or on the back of the black-haired's neck.

"Oh god, Dan", Phil moaned, his hands moving to Dan's waist, controlling the riding and thrusting game a little. "I'm gonna..."

Since Phil had been busy keeping his hands on Dan's waist, the younger male wrapped his fingers around his shaft, working them up and down, once more searching for Phil's lips with his own. Hot breath, moans, curses, a few I love you's and stay with me forever's.... As Dan was close to his orgasm, he bit Phil's lip, pulled the other male's hair.

"Fuck, Phil", he whined, pushing against Phil as he climaxed, coming all over the blue-eyed's and his own stomach.

Dan put his hands onto Phil's cheeks. "You did great, Phil. Come for me, now."

He left little kisses on Phil's forehead, his lips, his cheeks and he could feel Phil's fingers dig into his skin and the thrusts getting harder, and Dan met Phil a few more times until he felt the other male come inside him with a loud moan.

"Dan, I..."

"Shhh, relax." Phil was shaking, and Dan didn't dare to move because he loved this moment and he loved Phil.

As they both relaxed, Dan got off of Phil and sat down next to him.

"We're not going to get home tonight", Dan said, chuckling.

"Of course not. Doofus." Phil put his head onto Dan's shoulder.

And none of them had to talk. Because they both thought the same thing. They both thought about how much they loved each other and how much they enjoyed being with each other. And none of them ever wanted to live without the other and that was perfectly fine, because they wouldn't have to.

Chapter Text

Drinking alone wasn't fun.

But it was enough to make Dan relax after a long day.

In fact, yes, his day had been long, but not very productive.

He woke up at 4am and struggled with trying to fall asleep again, before giving in and getting out of bed to take a shower. He'd even managed to leave the house for some grocery shopping. And he had breakfast. Usually he never did.

But these were the only productive things he'd managed to do that day.

Dan spent ten hours on his sofa, binge-watching Teen Wolf, his laptop always near.

At around 6pm, he stopped the show because, no matter how much he loved it, it was about time to do something productive. Like laundry. Or finally getting rid of these dirty dishes. Or maybe just vacuum his apartment. Just something.

He sighed and quickly wanted to check his mails before getting started.

Dan's thoughts drifted off and he found himself browing through old pictures of him and Phil. They'd broken up just a month ago and Dan thought he was fine it it, but the more photos he'd looked at, the more his heart ached and the more he noticed he'd started crying.

He slammedhis laptop close with a loud sob and gasped for air.

He didn't want to feel like this but he did and he hated it.

Because, after all, it had been his fault they'd broken up. His selfish ways and how he didn't realize Phil was slowly drifting away from him. He killed their love.

No, he killed Phil's love.

Dan got up and walked into the kitchen, mindlessly grabbing a bottle of whine and sitting down at the kitchen table.

And now he was sat here. He didn't even care about what time it was, all he cared about was Phil.

He'd thought that maybe if he was drunk enough he'd forget about Phil but he'd slowly reached the state of feeling nauseous from all the alcohol and instead of forgetting, his heartache just got worse.

He knew he'd regret this decision as soon as he would be sober again, but Dan grabbed his phone and dialed Phil's number. Before he could even think of hanging up again, Phil answered. "Dan, what the-"

"Phil", Dan interrupted him, "I don't know what time it is or what you are doing right now but please, listen to me." As he didn't get a reply, he continued. "I know I fucked up and I've been a selfish dickhead, and I want you to know that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, and oh god, I miss you so much." He let out a sob before he continued talking. To that point he didn't even notice he'd been crying. "And I also want you to know that no matter who you will fall in love with next, I hope he treats you better than I did, because you deserve it. You deserve all the love on this world and I love you, Phil, god, I really do. And that's it. I just wanted you to know. Bye, Phil."

Before Phil could even reply, Dan hung up, his heart pounding heavy in its little cage.

Dan got up, still crying and with shaky hands.

He switched off his lights and went to sleep. He'd have nothing else to do right now.

Absolutely. Nothing.

And, if he wouldn't have hung up after his drunken call at Phil's, he would've heard Phil reply. The words Phil spoke out when Dan hung up. Because the older male had been staring at his phone in disbelief, taking deep breaths to stop himself from crying. And eventually he spoke into the dark. "You're an idiot. And I love you, too. And I miss you, oh god, I miss you so much, Dan."

Chapter Text

I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house

Dan's thumb slowly and softly ran over Phil's cheek bones to whipe his tears away. The older male leaned in to him, crying from a broken heart, and Dan felt hopeless and clueless because it tore is heart in two to see Phil like this.

Dan had told him. He'd told Phil Chris was going to break his heart. And maybe he did just say it because Dan didn't want Phil to be with anyone but him, but maybe, just maybe, Dan had realized Chris would do Phil no good. He knew it would be useless and absolutely rude to speak up to Phil and say "I told you so", so he didn't. He kept quiet, holding the other male in his arms and whiping his tears away.

My three words have two meanings but there's one thing on my mind: It's all for you.

"It'll be okay", Dan whispered, pulling Phil, who just shook his head in denial, a little closer. "You'll be fine again, Phil. Believe me."

Dan was angry. At Chris for breaking Phil's heart. At Phil for not seeing how much he really meant to Dan. And at himself for being this stupid. He never wanted to fall for his best friend in the first place. But he couldn't help it and he loved him so much and damn, did it hurt.

I'm out of touch, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're getting down

"Dan?" Phil's voice was barely more than a whisper, but it caught the younger's attention immediately. It's been the first time in the past two hours that Phil talked.

"Yes?" He looked at Phil, concerned and surprised, as he'd noticed the black-haired had stopped crying, but his thumb was still resting on Phil's cheek.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For not believing you. That day you met Chris for the first time, he's been an absolute asshole around you. And when you said he was going to break my heart I laughed it off because you always say that, and you're always right." Phil laughed, then looked up at his best friend. "And I have no idea how you can handle this."

"Handle what?" Dan raised an eyebrow.

"My constant whining and crying whenever one of my relationships breaks apart." He still smiled; it was an exhausted, but honest smile.

And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before, now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours.

"Well, there's an easy way of handling this." Dan brushed through Phil's hair and shot a smile back at him. "And I just wish I could take your pain away but I can't."

"You have no idea how much you're doing for me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Really." He snuggled up against Dan and took a deep breath. "And I wish I could just kiss you, but I don't want to destroy our friendship."

Dan flinched. "I... what?"

"Dan please don't get me wrong, this sounds incredibly stupid." Phil sat up straight, looking at Dan, despereately fighting for words. "But I... I can't explain."

"No, Phil. Please try to explain because else I'm gonna suppose I got this completely wrong."

Don't hold me down, I think the braces are breaking and it's more than I can take

"Okay", Phil shot back, his voice shaking. "It started somewhat last year, after one of my horrible relationships. And we were here and I was crying like I always do when this happened. And I thought that maybe all I've been looking for all of this time, was you. And I got so scared and I thought that I could cover this feeling up with new relationships, but everytime I got into another one, I realized it didn't work. And then my heart started pounding whenever I've been with you and I noticed that the only time I've been happy and one hundred percent myself was when we were together and-"


Phil couldn't continue talking. In fact, he couldn't even think because all of a sudden Dan's lips were on his and they found themselves passionately kissing, Phil's hand in Dan's hair and Dan's hands cupping Phil's cheeks and for the first time in ages both of them felt fixed.

"You're an idiot", Dan muttered in disbelief as they broke the kiss. "Every time you sat here crying about another guy, my heart broke into a million pieces because I just hoped you'd realize that you'reso much more to me than just a friend and this is crazy!"

Phil smiled. "Now I'm a happy idiot. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, this was worth it", Dan said and smiled, and once again he put his lips on Phil's.

And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now

Chapter Text

Dan already had a hard-on by the time Phil started undressing him. "Take me now, I'm yours", he breathed into the other male's mouth while unbuckling his jeans on his own because, honestly, his whole nody was aching to feel Phil and he could barely deal with the tension between them.

Phil had serious struggles to focus on anything, as always when Dan and he were alone, he'd never get used to this. Of course Dan noticed, he always did, and it turned him on even more. "Come on, Phil." He seperated their lips to lean his forehead against Phil's, drawing invisible lines on his collar bone. Phil's pupils had widened and he was panting even though they had barely done anything by the time. With his thumb he ran over Dan's slightly parted lips, leaving a tickling feeling on them, causing the younger male to push his teeth onto his bottom lip.

Both the men started moaning as Dan started grinding on Phil and once more their lips crashed together. "Come on, take them off", Phil mumbled, pulling on the waistline of Dan's opened jeans. The younger male nodded and quickly got out of Phil's lap to pull of the trousers, along his with boxers, revealing his erection. Phil bit his lips, watching his boyfriend for a few seconds before taking his own pants off, as well. "How you wanna do it?" His eyes were half closed and Dan could tell they both couldn't wait any longer.

"I want to ride you", Dan replied, grabbing the lube from the nightstand, "watch me." He winked at Phil, a smug grin surrounding his lips. He lied down and put some lube on his fingertips, then proceeded to insert one finger into himself, biting his lips so they turned white. Shortly after, Dan instered a second finger and spread them, hitting his prostate. "Fuck"; he moaned, and Phil was no longer able to just watch. He leaned over the younger male and started kissing his neck, biting his ear lobe. Dan inserted a third finger, now moaning into Phil's mouth. He couldn't remember when they'd started kissing again, but he didn't really care.

"I'm ready", he whispered against Phil's lips and watched him sit back down, his back resting on the bedhead. The younger male decided to smear some more lube around his entrance, then threw one leg over both of Phil's. He nodded, slowly going down on his boyfriend and taking him in. He'd bitten on Phil's bottom lip, pulling it gently as he gasped, from both pain and pleasure.

"Jesus, Dan", Phil moaned, grabbing the younger male's hips, slowly starting to move his own against his boyfriend's motions. For a few minutes there was nothing, except a lot of eye contact, kissing and wild touching. Phil was amazed by Dan, couldn't stop watching his boyfriend, the moles on his cheek, his collar bones, his lips, his everything. He pulled Dan in for a kiss, which turned into a round of excessive moaning. As Phil figured he was close to his climax, he wrapped his fingers around Dan's member, moving them along to their motions.

The younger male bit Phil's shoulder, whimpering in pleasure, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. "Dan, I-" "Yes, come for me, Phil". Just a matter of seconds later, Phil's body tensed and Dan could feel him come inside him. "Sorry", Phil whispered, smiling at Dan, still softly thrusting into him. "Keep going", Dan said, leaning his forehead against Phil's, who now proceeded to work on his member.

"Shit, Phil", the younger male moaned as he came all over their bellies and Phil's hand. He collapsed against his boyfriends chest, leaving a kiss on Phil's neck, before rolling off and lying down next to him. "I love you, fuckhead", he said, smiling at Phil while tracing his fingers down the other's arms.

Phil lied down and moved closer to Dan, letting his head rest on the younger's chest. "Stop always being so mean", he laughed. "I love you, too."

Chapter Text

Dan knew he was not an addict. The colourful pills he swallowed every other Saturday were merely for his entertainment. He was able to survive an entire week without drugs. He went to university, wrote his essays, socialized with friends, all without craving that rush of adrenaline the pills would give him.

But on Saturdays, when one of his friends would hand him that tiny piece of happiness, Dan didn't hesitate to take it. He never asked what it was and he didn't want to know. All he knew was that it would cost him 30£ and that it made him feel good. It erased every trace of hunger and sleepiness and worked good enough to make him last all night. Sometimes it would shut down his brain, but he never complained.

Dan told himself that he didn't need it, when in fact, it was the only thing that made it possible for him to enjoy parties. He wasn't a fan of big, loud groups of people that smelled of alcohol and smoke and electronic sounds that made his head ache. With the pills, it was okay. With the pills, Dan didn't give a fuck.

Of course he could just stop going to parties. But then there was no way he'd ever meet Phil again. And although three months had passed since he last saw Phil, both of them sober, both of them sure they'd never want to see each other again, Dan couldn't stop trying.

Saying Dan wasn't an addict was a lie. Maybe he wasn't addicted to the pills, but he sure as hell was addicted to Phil.


Dan looked good that night. He always did.

By the time the brunette walked through the door, Phil was already highly intoxicated. He couldn't remember the amount of drinks he'd had already, but it didn't matter. Phil's friend said something that was inaudible to him, then turned and walked away.

Phil's eyes were resting on Dan, who was as handsome as ever. He'd finally let go of the fringe, the curls on his head suit him. The checkered shirt and ripped jeans looked good on Dan.

The day Phil told Dan he'd never wanted to see him again was bad. It was even worse of a day when Dan agreed, saying that he'd be better off without Phil in his life. Phil should've known the two of them were lying, that, eventually, they'd both come looking for each other again.

Phil shifted in his seat as he saw Dan's hand quickly move to his mouth. It would only take about ten minutes for Dan to be the kind of person Phil fell in love with.

And he hated it.


Dan's heart skipped two beats when he found Phil sitting on the other side of the room, a bright pink drink resting in his hands. He knew his body well enough to know that this wasn't a side-effect of the drugs, but a side-effect of seeing Phil, although it could've been both. Dan's heart started racing as he figured that the other male was staring at him. For how long, he didn't know.

Usually, the two of them would wait. They'd spend some time at the party, join various rounds of drinking games and have some banter with their friends before they'd leave together, to either Dan's or Phil's place, where one of them would always wake up alone. That one time they actually did wake up together, sobered up, next to each other, was three months ago, and everybody knew that didn't go well.

This time, though, Dan didn't want to wait. He didn't want to play a single drinking game and no banter could satisfy the way his body craved for Phil's touching, his voice in Dan's ear, the intoxicated laughter. Nothing could satisfy these cravings, nobody could. Nobody but Phil. So, naturally, when Dan saw Phil put down his glass and get up, he felt his body moving towards the other male. There was nothing but a spark in Dan's head when Phil finally stood in front of him, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him in for a kiss.

Dan could taste the sugar and alcohol on Phil's lips and, at the same moment, wondered if Phil could taste the chemicals on his.

As their lips departed, Phil would not let go of Dan's shirt and, although the word's should've been inaudible through the music, Dan could clearly hear Phil's words in his head.

"I missed you."

It felt like fireworks blowing up when their lips met again, this time triggered by Dan, who didn't care if people were watching, who just wanted to kiss Phil, touch Phil, be near Phil. He wasn't sure if the adrenaline rushing through his veins was due to the drugs or Phil, but he didn't care. Because after all, that warm, fuzzy feeling in his stomach was Phil, all alone Phil.

Phil drew back and smiled, lifting a hand to stroke through Dan's curls, saying a series of things Dan couldn't hear due to the blood rushing through his ears when he was sure the blood was soon rushing to some other place. Suddenly, Phil's hands were gone. The male took a step back and smiled. "Let me know when you want to leave", he said before turning around and finding his way back to his seat. His drink was as pink as Dan's vision was in this moment.

Eventually, Dan did join some drinking games and had some banter with friends, but it wasn't nearly as fun as it used to be. All that was in his head was Phil's face, the taste of his tongue and his fingers gently running along Dan's neck as he kissed him. He also didn't feel the usual rush of adrenaline from the pills and he was sure all of that must've been burned up the moment he saw Phil.

Someone handed him another pill, and although Dan had never taken more than one, he agreed to taking it. Because what if Phil only loved this Dan? The Dan who was free from worries, was not complaining, who was having the time of his life whenever he swallowed these small miracles?

He should've known it was a bad idea as soon as the bitter taste hit his tongue. One pill? Sure, he could take it. But he'd seen his friends, some of which were way more excessive with drugs, take more than one and the had everything but fun.

Dan felt the night rush by, followed by happiness that he knew was chemical. He only was conscious enough to catch a few moments. Alcohol on his tongue, the taste of salt, someone punching his shoulder a bit too hard, one, two, three shots, throwing up into the toilet, stumbling over the coffee table, laughter, Phil worryingly looking at him from the other side of the room, one, two, three, four shots, throwing up into the toilet again, spitting liquor into someone else's mouth, darkness.

As he opened his eyes again, Dan was lying on a sofa, Phil looking down at him, beer in one hand, a glass of clear liquid in the other.

"You should have some water", Phil said, handing the glass over to Dan who just sat up. He took the glass without saying a word and swallowed it with one gulp.

"What time is it?" Dan felt way too sober and high at the same time. He laughed, a lot, but his entire body hurt and he felt rather dizzy than happy.

"Just past midnight", Phil replied, then smiled. "You wanna leave?"

"Yes, please", Dan said with a nod of his head, pushing himself from the sofa to stand up. He felt dizzy and knew he was probably staggering, but it was okay, Phil was there. He put an arm around Dan's waist and they left the party together.


Phil didn't know whether it was selfish or not to still put Dan into an act of passion after what he'd been through that night.

In the cab to Phil's apartment, they'd both stared out of the window, not talking to each other. Not because they didn't have anything to say, but because both of them were terrified of throwing up. Phil had way too much to drink that night and his motion sickness didn't help. Dan, on the other hand, was exhausted and nauseated from the drug's aftereffects. Phil had promised himself to give Dan some rest tonight, he'd deserved it, he needed it.

And yet, by the time they crashed through the front door of Phil's apartment, harshly kissing each other, both of their shirts were already unbuttoned. But Dan seemed to be okay. His hands holding on to the bedsheets, head thrown back in passion, moaning Phil's name, that's how Phil liked Dan best. But even while both of them were busy loving each other, Phil couldn't stop wondering if that was all he ever really wanted from Dan.

Both of them only ever loving each other when they were intoxicated? Waking up alone, craving the next Saturday to come so they could start all over again? Was that really what Phil wanted or was there more? He wasted that one chance of figuring it out. When Dan and him woke up together, just this once, they didn't say a word. They had breakfast in silence and then declared it'd be better if they never saw each other again.

But was that true? After Dan and Phil had played this cat and mouse game for over two years, could he really claim that he was better off without Dan?

The truth was no. He wanted to get to know Dan and he wanted to do so for a very long time. Phil wanted to get to know Dan's quirks, his humour, his private life and the thoughts he had when he was not high on chemicals.

And what about Dan? What did he want?

Phil didn't know. But he could hope.


The next morning, Dan woke up with an arm around his waist. He didn't open his eyes and turn around. He knew it was Phil. Before the moment was going to end in ruins, Dan wanted to just lie there and enjoy it. It was the first time he really paid attention to his feelings. Phil being this close to him felt good, even when he was sober. For so long, Dan had convinced himself that Phil, being the Phil he was from Sunday to Friday, wouldn't fit into his life. But now, more than ever, Dan was aware that he couldn't possibly know if this was true.

He never tried to figure out if Phil was able to deal with his mental health issues and his chaotic quirks, if Phil would accept Dan as the person he really was - a person that would rather stay at home on Saturdays playing videos than going to parties. Why did he never try? Dan took a deep breath. He knew the answer. He was scared of falling in love and not being loved back.

But both of them came looking for each other again. Wasn't that a sign that they were both willing to get to know each other, maybe fall in love and have a future together?

Dan lifted his arm and placed his hand on Phil's. The other male immediately tried to withdraw his hand, but Dan tightened his grip around Phil's wrist.

"Don't", Dan whispered. "Let's stay here a little, enjoy this. We can talk later."



1 year and 3 months later.

Dan woke up to the smell of cake. A glance to the other side of the bed told him that Phil wasn't there. Slowly, he got up and made his way out into the hallways, trying to find the source of the scent. He found it in the kitchen, next to it was Phil putting something on top of a very miserable-looking cake with blue food coloring. As Dan stepped next to Phil, the other male had just put the tube down and smiled at his expression.

"That's a bit cheesy, don't you think?", Dan said, but miserably failed to hide the smile on his face.

Phil just laughed and placed a kiss on Dan's forehead, before turning around and cleaning up the mess he'd created in the kitchen.

The cake was a bit burnt and smelled slightly like lemons and cinnamon. On top of it, with the blue food coloring was written: Happy 1-year anniversary

Chapter Text

Phil had been to Pisa when he was nine years old. Back then, he didn't really care about anything but the stalls lined up on the street by the leaning tower, selling a bunch of nonsense to tourists who'd willingly throw their money at them to bring home souvenirs from their travels. He also didn't understand why everyone was so excited to see a tower that was simply not standing even. He could've done that with LEGOs and nobody would've cared.

This time it was different. Twenty-one years had passed since Phil had last seen the city and from his memory, not much had changed. The tower seemed a little smaller than last time, but that was probably because last time Phil hadn't been a clumsy giant and everything generally seemed bigger to him as a child.

Phil sat on the green space next to the tower, licking his ridiculously huge soft ice cream and looked up at the monument. It still didn't strike him as special, but he still thought it was beautiful. Phil liked Italy. The small alleys you'd find everywhere, the way everything just seemed to be from another world, the food, the people. Italian people were friendly and very open-minded, but they were horrible drivers. Phil felt lucky he didn't drive on his own, he'd almost suffered several heart attacks just by sitting on the passenger's seat.

Pisa was the lest place he wanted to visit in Italy, before going back to London for a few days to prepare for his trip to Norway. Although he was sure he wouldn't find the feeling he was longing for here, he still was disappointed as he noticed he was just another tourist in another city.

Phil used to travel because he loved it. Now, he still loved it, but after his family fell apart and Manchester didn't quite feel like home anymore, he started traveling to find a place that made him feel home again. London came close, so he moved there and stayed for a little while, worked as a street photographer and wrote some articles for an online magazine.

It didn't take Phil long to realize that London wasn't the place to be. It was a big city and he was bad at making friends. Although he loved getting lost in the crowds of people, being mostly invisble to others, he missed the feeling of physical and emotional closeness. And if he couldn't have that, he wished for enough space to feel alone without getting entirely lonely. That had worked for a while, but with so many people in this big city, it was very easy to feel lonely.

When Phil's grandmother died and he'd inherited quite a big amount of money, he'd decided to travel. In the beginning, his travels were small adventures to beautiful places that he'd always wanted to see. Eventually, every time he came back to London, his heart was aching for more. More places, more happiness and something that felt more like home than the capital of England. He moved to a smaller place in London, knowing he wouldn't be home much the rent for a big apartment would've been a waste of money.

There was a point when Phil thought he'd lost himself. Later he came to realize that he'd never really found himself in the first place. He was never able to be the person he really was. There was too much pressure - from his family, friends, school, university, work. Now he was free to be himself, but he still was lost. And all Phil wanted was to feel unlost.

That feeling of home, a place where he could be himself, where people would accept him the way he was, where he felt free and fulfilled - he never found it.


Phil finished his ice cream and put the map he was reading back into his backpack. He still had a few hours in this city, so he'd be able to take some photos of the less busy areas and have dinner before heading back to the hotel. He'd leave the day after and he didn't just want to spend five hours sitting there doing nothing.

Just as he got up and turned around, there was a bump against his body, followed by some ice cold fluid covering his entire shirt. Confused, Phil looked down at the fabric soaking up the brown liquid, then up to the person who'd caused this mess. "Uhm", he started, but he really didn't know what else to say. He was rather confused than angry.

"Oh shit," the other male shot back. "I'm so sorry, I really didn't intend to- fuck, I'm such a loser, oh god, sorry." The stranger took a few deep breaths. His confusion was very clear when Phil began to laugh.

"Calm down, that's not the only shirt I brought with me. Plus, it's quite warm today, so that was very refreshing." Phil was still giggling, even more so when the stranger looked at him as if he was going nuts.

"Are you sure that's not a problem? I can buy you a new shirt over at the stalls. I mean that was iced coffee and I'm not sure if that's gonna stick in there or something."

"Please", Phil said. "It's cool. No worries." He couldn't help but feel a bit happy about hearing an English accent in this foreign country. It made him look forward to returning to London for a little while. After looking at the stranger a little closer, Phil came to the conclusion that he was quite goodlooking. For some reason, that made Phil nervous.

"Okay, okay", the stranger said. "But at least letme pay for your dinner or something, I feel miserable."

Phil laughed. "I was just about to go and have dinner, actually. You can come with me, but I doubt I'll let you pay. My name's Phil, by the way."

"Uhm, okay", the other male replied. "I'm Dan. Nice to meet you."


Phil didn't really care that his shirt looked horribly dirty. He was too lazy to go to the hotel and change, and definitely too greedy to pay for an overpriced shirt at the stalls. He took Dan to a small restaurant he'd been to the other day. The waitress looked at his shirt in disgust but didn't say anything about it.

They talked a lot and Phil found Dan to be an interesting person. There was something about Dan that he liked, although he couldn't quite tell what it was. Dan was in his mid-twenties and moved to London just a few years ago. They talked about music, movies and games and came to realize that they'd had the same taste.

"Damn, that was some good pasta." Dan leaned back in his chair, looking at his empty plate.

"I know, right?" Phil smiled. "I found this place yesterday, wish I could've been here every night, tho."

"How long have you been in Pisa?"

"Uhm, around 4 days. But the first day was more of a mess. Ended up at a hotel on the other side of the city that happened to have the same name as mine and was five times as expensive."

Dan laughed and shook his head, shifting in his chair a little. "Do you usually go on vacation alone?"

Phil nodded. "I don't really have friends. And if I did, none of them probably would have enough money to keep up with me."

"I see", Dan said. "Look, I know we've only met each other like three hours ago, but you seem like a genuinely cool guy and I, I was wondering if you maybe would be okay with a travel buddy?"


Dan and Phil quickly adjusted to each other's needs when it came to traveling. After Dan had decided to join Phil for Norway, Sweden and Finland, they'd known each other almost as good as if they'd beel living with each other for a decade.

Dan didn't like hotels. So they switched to using airbnb, which worked out most of the times.

Phil didn't like to travel by bus. So they limited their means of transportation to planes and trains.

Phil was glad to have Dan with him. Whenever he traveled, Phil always would've been searching, looking for something. Dan was the one who'd willingly just walk down a street that looked interesting, just so he could get lost in a city and discover more beautiful corners. Phil used to be like this. Before he met Dan, though, all he did was stay near tourist attractions and crowded places.

Traveling with Dan was carefree. After their visit to the Scandinavian countries, they'd decided to go to France. Phil had been there before, but not Dan, and there was a good chance the older male would see the country with Dan by his side. And it was true. After Versailles, Lyon and Marseille they finally settled in Paris for a few days and Phil had to admit that he'd never seen the city as beautiful as with Dan by his side.

Generally, Phil felt like everything was more beautiful with Dan by his side. Clutching their knees to their chests on planes because they were giants, getting lost and aimlessly walking around a city for four hours, the tourist attractions, going back to London, sharing a bed on hot summer nights when ordinary people wouldn't want to be touched, the stars, the sun, paying taxes, life.

It was in Paris when Dan just dropped his sandwich on the ground, took Phil's face into his hands and kissed him. It was in Paris when Phil realized that maybe the home he was looking for could never be found in a place, no matter how beautiful it was, but in a person. Dan would let Phil know he was loved. Maybe not with words, but with little gestures that meant the world to Phil. Putting daisies behind Phil's ear, grabbing breakfast at eight in the morning, holding Phil closer at night when he couldn't fall asleep. Dan accepted Phil and all his little, idiotic habits. And Phil could do nothing but look at Dan and say thank you, thank you, all over again until his head would start spinning and there was nothing left in the universe but the two of them.

It was in London when they first shared a night like this, clothes on the floor, bodies pressed close to each other, breathing each other in as if they were oxygen and both were choking. It was in London when they'd decided to take a break from traveling, that they'd just wanted to be together, when Phil moved into Dan's apartment so slowly that none of them even noticed he hadn't been at his own place in a month.

It was in London when Dan said those three words, and Phil knew he wasn't alone anymore, he knew he was loved and accepted for who he was, he knew he was home, and he said those three words back.

Chapter Text

Dan thought about Phil first thing in the morning and couldn't get him out of his head for the rest of the day.

Phil is just a friend.

Dan sent Phil 'good morning' and 'good night' texts. Every day.

Phil is just a friend.

Dan went shopping and bought a bunch of stuff that Phil could possibly like, just so he could give it to him.

Phil is just a friend.

Dan thought about Phil at night when he was touching himself.

But Phil is just a friend.

Maybe, if Dan would stop lying to himself, he would notice that he'd fallen for Phil head over heels and that he'd wanted him to be way more than just a friend.


In all honestly, Dan didn't even know Phil that good. The poor guy probably thought Dan was some kind of obsessed stalker who'd occasionally come over with a shitload of gifts. But Phil was mysterious and handsome, all while being extremely friendly and a good cook. Dan also thought that Phil had a great sense of humour, although their friends probably didn't think so, because mostly Dan was the only one laughing to Phil's jokes. On the other hand, Phil was the only one laughing to Dan's jokes, as well. Which either meant he really liked them, or he just pitied Dan because nobody else laughed. Oh God, what if Phil thought Dan only laughed about his jokes because nobody else did?

But really, Dan never met up with Phil alone. They both belonged to a group of six people who'd meet up twice a week to cook, play board games or just sit around and have some nice chats. Phil never really opened up to the group, but neither did Dan. Dan didn't even know if Phil had any friends outside of their little squad or if any of these people knew Phil better than he did. Basically, he knew nothing about Phil. Just that he lived in London, liked video games and had a thing for Indian food.

Dan didn't really know how this was possible, because they'd text all day about everything and nothing at the same time, while not getting to know anything about each other. It was frustrating, really.


On Thursday night, they canceled the group meetup due to three of them being sick. Dan was okay with that, ordered takeout food and made himself comfortable on the sofa. When his phone buzzed and he picked it up to read the message, his heart stopped, then continued to beat even faster. What the fuck?

Phil: Make me your addict while feeling my heart.

Dan was confused, scared, nauseated and dizzy at the same time. He didn't know what this was supposed to mean and he didn't know what to reply, either.

Dan: ?????

Phil: Poetry. Do you like poetry?

Phil: I thought of you and wrote a poem.

Dan's head went blank. The echo of Phil's first message and that last one rummaged through his head like a ping-pong ball.

Dan: Can I see it?

Phil: Can I come over?

Dan anxiously took a moment to scan the apartment. It was quite clean, so that wouldn't be an issue.

Dan: Sure

Phil: I'll be there in 10

Dan didn't have nearly enough time to brush his teeth and make himself look like a decent human being. He kept on the sweatpants and ruffled through his hair to look somewhat acceptable. He chose to not overthing the situation until Phil was there and would explain everything to him. At this point he was sure Phil was pranking him.

When the doorbell rang, Dan was already stood by the door and opened it the second he heard the first sound. He was nervous, but as soon as he saw Phil he couldn't help but smile. Phil's hair wasn't styled and he wore his classes, on top of that he seemed nervous.

"Hey", Dan said, failing to let the smile disappear.

"Hey." Phil hugged Dan and the brunette had some time to breathe in his scent. He couldn't make out what it was, but it smelled good.

As they walked into the lounge, Phil was staring at the walls, followed by a glance ofer to Dan's DVD-shelf. It stroke Dan in that moment that Phil had never been here before, simply because the apartment was too small to contain six people.

"Nothing special", Dan mumbled. "Uhm, do you wanna sit down? You want water? Or something else?"

"I like it, kind of suits you. And, uhm, I'm fine, thank you." Phil sat down on the sofa, put his phone on the coffee table. "I kinda lied. I didn't write a poem. I read one that reminded me of you. I didn't think you'd ask to see it."

"Why would you lie Dan?" Dan was confused and probably failed to hide it. Phil got up and started pacing in the tiny living room, which basically meant taking three steps between the walls until turning around and taking another three steps. Dan noticed Phil was wearing the skinny jeans he'd bought him. They were tighter than the pants Phil bought for himself and honestly, Dan only bought them so he'd have a better view on the other's butt.

"Because I kinda like you", Phil started. "And I thought if I told you I write poems, then you'd maybe think I was cool or something."

Phil never did strike Dan as insecure, but there he was, anxiously pacing between the walls, explaining his feelings to Dan.

"That's kinda stupid, I barely know anything about you and I still can't stop thinking about you." Dan didn't know whether or not he was gonna regret his words, but Phil stopped pacing and looked back at him, wide-eyed.

As Phil started stuttering, Dan walked over and tugged on his shirt to pull him in for a kiss. As their lips collided, Dan felt Phil's shoulders relax. And more importantly, Phil gave in to the kiss, even placed a Hand on Dan's neck and pushed himself closer to Dan, as if he was trying to melt into him.

"You never said a word.", Phil said when they interrupted the kiss to sit down.

"I thought you maybe didn't want to be more than friends. I mean, really, you never opened up to me so I thought, well, yeah."

"Maybe I should've said something, then."

"You did, tho."

They smiled at each other. This wasn't gonna be a lonely night. Phil would open up to Dan, Dan would open up to Phil and they'd laugh and be happy that Phil had the courage to text Dan that night.

After all, Dan and Phil never have been just friends.

Chapter Text

One hour. That's how long it would take Dan to finish work.

Every morning he came in, wondering how he was supposed to survive another day of interacting with other human beings while the anxiety was itching beneath his skin, forcing his brain to believe that everyone he'd talk to genunely hated him. And every night he arrived home, immediately disappearing into his room to cry into his pillow and live through a panic attack before eventually taking a shower and spending the rest of the night in front of his laptop.

Most days, Dan was wondering why he even put himself through the immense pain of working in retail. When he'd first decided to take a year off before university, he thought of wasting his life away in front of his laptop, maybe doing some garden work for his parents so they'd continue paying him pocket money. But for some reason Dan did end up getting himself a job that he was rather miserable at and he didn't know why he'd decided it was a good idea. Being the anxious and introverted person he was, he basically needed an entire week off to recover after just one day of human interaction. So why, for the love of god, did he decide to start a nine to five job in retail?

Dan's anxiety was peaking since he started working and he couldn't do anything to make it stop. He'd wake up in the mornings feeling his stomach clench at the thought of leaving for work. It didn't get much better until he arrived at home.

Until not so long ago, Dan failed to find a purpose to keep up this job. He was constantly torn between pulling through and quitting, knowing that if he quit, he'd sit on his parents' wallets until he'd leave for university and since they didn't exactly have a lot money, Dan decided to pull through.

Today, Dan knew what he was doing it for. Or rather who he was doing it for.

Ever since Dan was talking to Phil online, he'd felt the urge to work even harder so he could finally take a train and visit Phil in Manchester. It wasn't much to keep him going, but it was enough for Dan to tell his anxiety to go fuck itself for a bit and pull through these work days that only seemed to get longer and longer.

But eventually, it was worth it. In the evenings Dan's anxiety would magically disappear as soon as Phil rang him up on Skype. They'd tell each other about their days and then continue to talk about everything but the things that'd make Dan's anxiety return. Their conversations continued for hours on end and Phil was able to distract Dan from all the worries in his head and the thoughts that were haunting him. It seemed so easy with Phil, the way he could just calmly talk to him for hours until either him or Phil would fall asleep, and Dan wanted nothing more than just be able to do all these things with Phil when they were right next to each other, physically close instead of only seeing each other through a screen.

And tonight, Dan was finally able to tell Phil that he'd saved enough money for a trip to Manchester.

The moment he was finally allowed to leave work, Dan threw his backpack over one shoulder and jumped out of the store in a hurry to catch the earliest bus possible.

For the first time in a while, Dan cheerfully greeted his parents as he arrived at home and ran up to his room, where he'd smashed the backpack into a corner. He didn't have time for a panic attack and sure as hell not for a shower, either. He immediately started his laptop, impatiently tapping the keys as it slowly started.

By the time he'd finally opened Skype and saw Phil was online, he was bursting with excitement and immediately rang him up for a video call.

It took some time for Phil to answer and when he did, Dan had to stop and watch him for a minute or two. Phil's hair was ruffled, his glasses were a little crooked on the back of his nose and the right side of his face seemed a little squished.

"Hey, did I wake you up?" Dan couldn't help but smile at Phil's appearance.

"Uhm, yeah, I kinda didn't expect you to show up that early so I thought I'd nap." Phil huffed a nervous laugh. "Did something happen?"

"Indeed", Dan said, his smile growing even bigger. As he saw Phil curiously raising his eyebrows, Dan took a deep breath and tried to speak as calm as possible. "So, guess who finally has enough money to come visit you?"

Phil's eyes widened. "A-are you sure? Train tickets into both directions? Some food money? The money you'll have to spend on therapy after realising what a weirdo I am in real life? You have all of that?" Now Phil smiled, his tongue slightly poking out from between his teeth.

"More like the money I'll have to give you for all these countless therapy sessions", Dan laughed. "But yes! Just tell me when I can come and when I should leave again and I can get the train tickets next week!"

"Okay, hang on", Phil said, then disappeared from the screen for a little. When he returned, he was still smiling. "Okay, what about October 19th?"

Dan checked the calendar on his laptop, then nodded in agreement. "Okay, how long do you want me to stay?"

"Forever", Phil replied.

Dan sighed. He closed his eyes, leaned back his head and smiled. "Okay", he said quetly.

A few minutes passed. Dan kept his eyes closed, knowing Phil was watching him. And eventually, it was Phil who broke the silence.


"Hm?" He didn't move nor open his eyes.

"I can't wait to finally have you here. I can finally touch you and hug you and make you feel good."

"You always make me feel good, Phil." Dan opened one of his eyes and squinted at the screen. "But same, I can't wait to be with you."

"You know what I meant."

"I do."

Both of them laughed. They talked for a few hours, about things they'd want to experience together and about the fact that Dan couldn't take a lot of time off from work, eventually they figured out that there wouldn't be enough time for the two of them together before Dan had to head back home.

But at least they'd finally meet. And Dan finally knew that all of the decisions he'd made in the past months were good ones.