I stare into your eyes and can't help the smile that spreads across my face. You look back at me, obviously a little confused with the random staring contest, which only grows when I grab your hand and slide down onto one knee. I can tell your about to say something but I shush you, squeezing your hand a little for emphasis. I can tell you still want to speak but you hold your tongue as you wait for me. I take a long, slow breath before looking back up at your beautiful face and begin.
“I know your confused, and it might be a little annoying but I have something I need to say. Actually a have lot to say; this might take a while.” I say with a small chuckle. “This is hard for me so please, just listen to what I have to say.” I finally look back up at you to see you nod as you squeeze my hand for a moment. “Where to start... I guess I'll connect it to how I'm feeling right now.” I decide out loud, just hoping that once I start, the emotions will just keep rolling.
“For the first time in my life, I'm not absolutely confident. With others I would say what I want, if it didn't work out, I would brush it off and move on. And sure, I may have done the same to you at first, but once romantic feelings started to grow within me, I got nervous around you. I don't know if I showed it all that much but I was scared to say the wrong thing, make the wrong move, scared that you would run if I did the wrong thing.”
“I'm still terrified that one day I'll wake up to find you gone. One day you'll realize how useless I am and go find a better life for yourself. I know I may have told you to do just that a few times in the past because I wanted a better life for you, but I honestly don't know how I would go on without you. Please don't let that persuade you to stay with me if you want to leave though. I swear I wont do anything stupid, I just mean I'll slip back into my old habits. What's the point of working for a better life if there's no one there to enjoy it with me.”
“I hate it when we fight, that's when the fear of losing you is at its peak, and it's pretty much always my fault. I would do something stupid again and... I'm just so sorry for all those times. I know it annoys you when I try to push off a fight with jokes but it's because I'm scared you'll find out... find out how horrible I am. I'm cocky, arrogant, and up until you came along, I had no concern for myself or others. But for once in my life I'm kind of nervous during fights.”
“I lived my life carelessly because, who cares if I die. Sure over the years I have gained some friends that might miss me, but they’ll get over it. But you... you make me want to live. You give me purpose. Purpose to come home without scars, to come home with money to give you a better life.”
“I was so selfish before, only thinking of myself, what made me happy, what I needed to survive. But for once in my life, someone else is top priority. For the first time I truly wanted to improve someone else's life, not just save there life but to truly make them happy.”
“For once in my life I'm excited to come home. Growing up without family, I dreaded coming home to an empty house, to be all alone again, but now that I have you, I rush home. You may think its weird, but opening the door to have you say even a simple 'welcome home' means so much to me. It shows me that I'm not alone anymore, that someone cares for me enough to stick around and put up with my antics.”
“I don't know how you survive being with me, my stuped jokes, me trying to show off all the time.”
“I don't know how you did it but you got me to straighten my act out. I stopped going to clubs and bars. I stopped bringing random women home. I slowed down on my bad habits. I started to clean the house, and god only knows how you got me to have a regular diet.” I can't help but chuckle at the memories of my stubbornness at the continuous attempts at avoiding my favorite meal. After my laughter dies down, I pause to gather my thoughts before continuing.
“I am amazed at how much my life has changed since we met. I used to spend my days lounging around waiting for something to happen, but with you here, there's so much more. We can go out and do a bunch of stuff or sit and talk endlessly about nonsense. Even when we're not talking, just holding each other in silence or I'm just watching you go about your day, I'm entertained. I don't know if you know this but I have spent hours lying beside you while you slept just enjoying your presence. Though that sounds kind of creepy doesn’t it? Sorry.” I say with a chuckle as I begin to rub the back of your hand with my thumb.
“You are the first person I have been with that, when finally alone with after getting together, sex wasn't the first thing on my mind. Not that I don't enjoy our more private moments, but before, with others, it was just for the pleasure. It was only for the sensation of having two bodies together. Once the feeling passed, our attraction ended, there was no need for each other anymore. But with you, its more then that. I want to hold you, to feel you, to do things that only I can do. Every motion, every sound, means so much more because I know no one else has made you feel that way. Only I have seen those faces you make, only I have heard those noises you make, only me.” A slight tint of pink rises to your cheeks in embarrassment or memories, ether way, it was cute.
“Even the simplest of acts make me feel so much more happier when you're here with me. I know some people would look at my favorite moments with you and push then off as things that normal couples do, but with the life I've lead, something normal, grounded, safe, is something I've craved.”
“Nether of our lives have been perfect up until this point, and to you it still may not be, buy if you ask me, I''m already in heaven.”
“I know you have insecurities, and it pains me so much to watch you beat yourself up over the past or present. I wish I could take that pain way, wipe away the tears, erase your hard past, but I can't. All I can do is promise you a future with this idiot here that's been rambling on for too long.” I chuckle at myself, both out of humor and nervousness. “I know I'll never be perfect, I may not be able to give you the life you always dreamed about, but by god I will try.” I say as I slip my free hand into my jacket pocket. “I would drag down the moon for you if only I could. Fight through hell and back if you asked me to, so please, if you would do me the honer,” I say as I pull out the small black box I have been carrying around with me the past 3 weeks, nervously messing with it every day only to chicken out, but not today. I see you react as, most likely, your assumptions of what this whole speech was for are confirmed.
“Of...” I stutter as I begin to feel my hands shake a little. I take another deep breath.
“Will you marry me?”