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The Accidental Husband

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Tony wakes to a spectacular hangover. His head is pounding, his eyes and mouth feel sandy and he's fairly convinced that if he moves a mere millimeter, he'll be spectacularly ill. This is novel, because Tony doesn't often wake to hangovers this bad; he's a regular drinker, after all, and at most he gets a little headache and fatigue, and he's generally tired anyway (goes with the lack of sleep, really).

Someone moves again on the bed, reminding Tony that this is what woke him up the first time; somebody moving. Not greatly, just the shifting of somebody being there, but it dips the mattress under him just enough to aggravate the symptoms.

A raspy noise escapes his throat and he squeezes his eyes shut, even though he had been in no danger of opening them. It's not exactly bright in the room he's in, he can tell this much, but it's not as dark as his hangover would prefer either.

There's a quiet laugh; it sounds familiar, but Tony isn't exactly functioning at a hundred percent right now. He's much too busy not throwing up all over the bed he's lying in, mostly because he's not sure he currently has the strength to push himself away from the spot.

"Oh dear," someone murmurs, miraculously quiet enough not to aggravate the pounding in Tony's head. Suddenly, he feels two cool fingers on his temple, and the coolness seems to drip out of them and right into his head, soothing the pain there, seeping through his body and chasing all the aches away.

Tony blinks. It's dusky in the room, heavy curtains keeping out the light, but enough of it makes it through to see the outlines of the person he's sharing the pillow with. As his eyes adjust, Tony starts to make out more of their features – unruly hair, gleaming teeth, a straight nose, noble cheekbones… mischievous eyes.

"What the hell." Tony sits up, turns on the bedside lamp and stares at the person he clearly slept with, if their states of undress are anything to go by. What with the incredible hangover he's been suffering until a mere minute ago, he can almost believe it. "What the heck are you doing in my bed?"

"Now, now," Loki says, stretching out like the cat who got the canary and the cream, a smug grin playing around his lips. "That's no way to talk to your husband."

What. "Husband." He wasn't that drunk was he? No way was he that drunk.

Raising his arm and stretching out his fingers so they can both admire the gold ring gleaming on his finger, Loki smiles angelically. The ring is made to look like it's made of one single string of metal, entwined in a celtic knot pattern. A memory comes to the surface, of Tony taking it out of Loki's palm and giggling, saying something about how it has lots of S shapes, S for Stark.

Eyes wide, Tony raises his own hand, and, yep – matching ring there. More memories come to the surface now. He'd been in some club, steadily getting drunk, some music heavy on the bass pounding in his blood; Loki had joined him at some point, when Tony had just drunk enough to be reckless enough not to run to S.H.I.E.L.D. immediately. There had been some words that had resulted effectively in a temporary truce in the name of getting completely smashed. Tony clearly remembers the words they had exchanged (something about how they both had a need to just forget sometimes), and how they had both gotten drunker and drunker, stumbling from bar to bar until they had ended up at a party celebrating the new marriage equality act. He also remembers that it had been a marriage party full of gay couples who had brought their own clergy to marry them, and one of the attendees had suggested Tony and Loki marry as well. Loki and Tony had had a good laugh about that, imagining everybody's reactions; they had been in agreement that their respective allies would never take them serious again. It'd be great, they'd decided, but impossible, what with the lack of license and everything.

But never fear; the party they had crashed had connections. One of the attendees was a city clerk who, somehow sensing distress in Tony and Loki's hysterical giggling, had tearfully promised them that he'd take care of it. An hour later, he had come back from wherever he had vanished to and proudly presented them with a marriage license, issued two days ago. "Completely legal!" he had declared, a fierce gleam in his eyes. "Watertight. No worries, dude, I got ya. Marriage for everyone!" That last sentence he screamed and was met with cheering and applause.

And then there had been a mass wedding, orchestrated by a crowd of drunk couples and their friends.

Fuck. They had honestly gotten married. And properly, too; with rings summoned by Loki and a witness (a random person from the crowd) and a hotel room and consummation. Enthusiastic consummation. Repeatedly. Tony is honestly surprised at his own stamina while this hammered.

"This should be fun," Loki says, sounding way too happy considering the situation they're in. When he sits up the sheet slides down his body to pool in his lap, making Tony's mouth go dry.

"What are you so cheerful for," Tony complains. "Yesterday you were all 'my evil villain friends will never trust me again'."

"Yes, yes, I know." Uncaring for his nudity, Loki gets up and wanders off into the bathroom, coming back with a glass of water. Tony has to try really hard not to leer, because damn, he had noticed how hot Loki is before, but he'd never seen him naked. And he also hadn't had memories of the things he had done to Loki and that Loki had done to him in bed the night before.

"I had some time to think about it, though," Loki proclaims, sipping from the glass. "This will be brilliant."

Tony feels the urge to facepalm; he doesn't refrain. Come on, if this situation doesn't warrant it, Tony doesn't know what would. "What."

"Thor will be so pissed," Loki declares, eyes gleaming brightly. He looks utterly delighted.

Oh god. "He's going to kill me, isn't he?" Just what he needs, an enraged Thor chasing Tony with his hammer because he sullied his brother's honor or something.

"You? Maybe. Me? He's certainly going to try." Slumping on the bed, Loki hands Tony the half-empty glass of water. Tony drinks from it; what the hell, this can't get much worse, and to be honest, he's half hoping there's some sort of poison in there. Death would be kinder than this. "Thor's always hated it when I got friendly with one of his friends."

Tony frowns. "I thought you used to get along well."

The look that earns him is condescending. "Thor would think that. Things went well for him. And none of his friends were allowed to like me better than him or he'd throw an epic temper tantrum."

Well, Thor had mentioned that he had been somewhat of a dick before he was briefly exiled on Earth. "So you think marrying me will make him angry at you?"

Looking incredibly self-satisfied, Loki sprawls on his back. "Definitely," he confirms happily.

Tony wants to ask why Loki would want that, but he remembers a time when incurring a negative reaction was the only way to get an attention at all to the point where he's been so conditioned he still struggles in that area today, so he keeps his mouth shut. Instead, he says, "We could just get it annulled instead. You could find some of your villain friends and make Thor angry that way instead."

He probably shouldn't be doing this, encouraging Loki to do some of his evil schemes, but damn, he just wants this to go away.

Sending him one of his angelic smiles, Loki says, "Good luck with that. There's no trace of alcohol in your blood. Plus, the other guys at the party were too drunk to tell whether we were drunk too or just incredibly happy at finally being able to consummate our love in public." Clearly not having a care in the world, he stretches his arms over his head. Damn, that body, he must be doing that on purpose, there's no way that's accidental. "And in about an hour or two at most, one of their many hungover friends in possession of a camera will look at the photos from last night and properly recognize you. I'd wager the photos of the happiest day of our lives will be all over the internet before dinner."

With a groan, Tony throws an arm over his eyes and lets himself fall back. He's screwed.

"So," Loki says after a couple of minutes. Tony raises his arm just enough to peek and finds that Loki has rolled onto his side, head supported on one arm as he stares at him. "Sex?" He suggests.

Tony thinks about it for a moment, but really, there's no point in torturing himself. They already did it, they're even married. And he does remember last night rather clearly. "Yeah, let's."

Loki has just a moment to look surprised before Tony pulls him in by the neck and joins their lips.

*

There's a loud banging on the door. "Tony Stark!" Thor bellows.

Tony glances at Loki, who looks utterly delighted. The flush in his cheeks intensifies, reminding Tony of earlier, when Tony had been the one to put it there. They had had sex, breakfast (lunch for normal people with normal schedules), naps, showers (plus sex), and dinner. Yeah, it's probably a bit cowardly, but Tony just hadn't wanted to go out in public, much less home, and Loki was right there and willing, and they were married. And yeah, it was probably just his brother's outrage that he was looking forwards to, but Loki had been oddly pleasant over the past couple of hours; even entertaining. Tony had always appreciated his wit, but it's considerably less frustrating when there are no lives at stake.

Also, he's damn good in bed. Tony's aching all over in the utterly pleasant, post-sex kind of way. But of course he'd known that he can't hide for long; time to face the music. At least they're both dressed, and even in clothes other than those they had worn the night before; Loki had summoned t-shirts and jeans for both of them without complaint – well, after they'd had an argument over being naked in front of room service. Tony still isn't sure what side he'd been on, they had switched constantly – sort of like a game, really. At one point Loki had put on a hurt expression and said, "I just don't want other people to see my husband in a state of undress". Tony hadn't quite known what to say to that. (Honestly, he still isn't really over that – married sex, yeah, he can get behind that (literally), but he's actually married. To Loki.) So they had gotten dressed and had dinner and now Thor is here, and Tony bets he isn't alone.

Filled with understandable apprehension, Tony opens the door. He was right; Thor isn't alone, but Tony doesn't have the opportunity to notice anybody but Steve and Pepper behind Thor; there are other people behind them but Thor is beaming and booming "Tony! My brother!" and then Tony's being smothered in a giant hug that cuts off all his air.

Thor doesn't seem angry, Tony thinks while Thor shakes him like a teddy bear and drags him into the room. "Loki!" He bellows and takes one arm off Tony to drag his brother into his arms as well. "My most heartfelt congratulations on your nuptials!"

Tony manages to make a strangled noise.

"Don't kill him, Thor," Loki says scathingly (or as scathingly as is possible, what with the way his face is pressed into his brother's chest). "I just got him." He does sound a little off; he must be as confused as Tony is about Thor's cheerful mood. But seriously, this is a far cry from the homicidal rage Loki had implied.

Thor squeezes them both tighter for a moment, and when he lets go his eyes are misty. "I am so glad, brother," he says, taking Loki by the shoulders.

"Are you crying?!" Loki asks, sounding absolutely horrified. This whole thing is clearly rapidly getting out of control. Thor isn't reacting at all as Loki had hoped. Not that Tony had wanted Thor to be angry, but, well. He'd figured there'd be some yelling, Loki would cackle and gloat a lot, torture Tony (and Thor by proxy) for a couple of weeks and then vanish.

"I'm just so happy," Thor whimpers, and now there are tears running down his cheeks. Tears. "This is the most wonderful thing to happen since before the failed crowning ceremony," he sobs, pulling Loki into his arms and squeezing him tightly.

"…what?" Loki asks. His voice is small, and wow. This is definitely not going as planned.

Feeling a little uncomfortable at the clearly very private moment unfolding in front of him, Tony looks around and finds that the door is still open. Fury is standing in it, arms crossed and glaring. He opens his mouth when Tony's eyes meet his and suddenly Tony feels angry. Striding over, Tony slams the door shut before Fury can say a word. This is not something he wants to end up in S.H.I.E.L.D.S. files.

Behind him, Thor is saying something about how happy he is that Loki decided to join them.

"Join you?!" Loki asks incredulously.

It's actually painful to hear Thor hastily amend to Loki becoming neutral at least; he sounds so hopeful and happy and Tony bets he's still crying. "I know I made many mistakes," Thor is saying earnestly. "I didn't treat you right for a long time. But I hope you will allow me to make amends."

Tony can't help but glance over at the two. Thor has both hands on Loki's shoulders and is looking at him earnestly, not minding the tear tracks on his cheeks. Loki looks wide-eyed and incredibly lost; he doesn't say a word. Tony quickly looks away again. He almost wishes he were on the other side of the door, even with Fury there and his friends who'd be sure to yell at him a lot as well. And the disappointed faces Steve and Pepper have down to pat, god.

Suddenly, Thor calls his name; Tony winces inwardly and turns around again. Loki's face is turned away, but Thor is looking at him. "Tony," he says, reaching out for him. Tony has no other choice but to walk towards him and let Thor pull him into another, short hug. "I thank you for making my brother happy."

"Uhm." Tony glances at Loki, but he's still looking away. "It's no problem."

"If you treat him right, you will find that he is worth it," Thor continues earnestly. Tony feels both utterly mortified and incredibly guilty; this joke is going way too far and he doesn't know how they're going to resolve it. Thor clearly will be utterly heartbroken, which is much worse than angry. "Loki is a wonderful person," Thor is saying, "and I believe the two of you can find happiness together."

"Uhm, thanks," Tony manages.

Thor nods and takes a step back, glancing at Loki. Tony automatically follows his gaze and finds to his horror that Loki is crying as well. His face is still turned away from both of them but his whole body is utterly still and utterly tense, and there's wetness gleaming on his cheeks.

"I will speak to the man of Fury," Thor is saying, "I already explained the situation to him. You need not worry; he is fully aware that I and the whole of Asgard stand behind the two of you." Without another word, he turns around and leaves, closing the door after himself quietly.

Loki is utterly quiet; he might not even be breathing. Tony shifts awkwardly. This whole thing got completely out of hand; it's not a joke anymore. This, he realizes, is an opportunity for Loki, perhaps the only opportunity at neutrality without any repercussions from either Asgard or S.H.I.E.L.D. He doesn't know what made Thor decide that Loki didn't need to be punished, but he is clearly absolutely sure that it will make Asgard agree with him, if he hasn't already spoken to them.

"You know, you could try it," he says quietly. "Thor clearly gets that he wronged you. There's no harm in waiting for a couple of weeks, see if you can clear things up between the two of you."

"You know nothing," Loki spits, but it sounds more watery than scathing. His hands are balled into fists.

"No, I don't," Tony agrees. "I don't know what went on between the two of you. But I do know something about family conflicts, and if my father had come to me and not only realized that he had made mistakes but apologized for them, I'd be willing to talk to him about it. If only to yell at him and tell him to his face how much he fucked up," he adds ruefully, because yeah. His father was entirely different than Thor, though.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Loki says very, very quietly. He maybe hadn't even meant to say it out loud.

"But happen it did," Tony replies, carefully neutral and light. "You might as well make use of the opportunity. You can always go back to messing things up if you don't like it."

Suddenly Loki whirls around to face him, eyes fiery. "Don't pretend you actually want to be married to me, Stark!"

"Whoa." Tony raises both hands. "Yeah, I gotta be honest, never in a million years would I have wanted for this to happen, and I still can't quite believe it did. But apparently I'm not dreaming, and turns out you're actually quite amazing in bed. That's enough for me for now. And hey, I actually enjoyed your company earlier, so who knows?"

Loki stares at him for a long moment, eyes narrowed and suspicious and angry. Eventually he deflates. "Fine," he mutters. Inwardly he's probably considering the many ways he can fuck them over once he gets bored or frustrated, and Tony's got to watch out for that. But really, until then, he can enjoy having perfectly marital sex that nobody can criticize him for with an athletic god with a very talented tongue.

There's a knock on the door. "Tony?"

Or have awkward conversations with Steve instead. Yeah.