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In Which Kurt Gets Kidnapped

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 "Did you see that?" Not giving Finn a chance to answer, Rachel started dragging him to the choir room. 

Finn was a little confused. "Did -- did Kurt just get kidnapped?"

Of course, he didn't manage to get this out until they were in earshot of all the other gleeks.

"What?" Mr. Schuester said. 

There was pandemonium, as the gleeks tossed around increasingly ridiculous conspiracy theories on the part of other glee clubs. Puck and Santana were arguing for a counterstrike, and Rachel was explaining the layout of Carnel, when Finn, surprisingly, interrupted. "Um, guys? Not that Vocal Adrenaline isn't evil, because they are. Really evil. But ... Kurt's boyfriend is, like, a crime lord -- no offense, Blaine --"

"None taken," Blaine said from the corner where he was calmly texting. "Although, strictly speaking, I'm only a crime lord in training."

"-- Right," Finn said. "Anyway, don't mobs fight each other and stuff?" He grew a bit panicky. "Oh my God. What if they kill Kurt?"

"Nah," Santana said, filing her nails in an attempt to look nonchalant. "They're far more likely to use him as a hostage to blackmail Anderson and his family."

"Kurt would be a terrible hostage," Artie said. Most people nodded, but Brittany frowned.

"He's an awesome hostage," she said. "He, like, asks you what you want to drink and if you're hungry and he even makes cookies if you really want them."

Everyone looked at Brittany for a moment, and then decided not to even bother.

"What am I going to tell Mom and Burt?" Finn moaned. "How do I tell them that I let my little brother get kidnapped by mobsters?"

"You know," Blaine interjected, "Kurt is actually several months older than you. He's told you that quite a few times."

"Yeah, but I'm bigger," Finn said. "So he's my little brother."

"We should call the police," Rachel said.

"What are they going to do?" Quinn asked, arms crossed. "This is the mob, remember?"

"I'm with Rachel on this one," Mr. Schuester said. "I know you guys like to do things on your own, but if Kurt really has been kidnapped, then it's a matter for the police."

"You can't trust the police," Puck said.

("Puck, the police are not out to get you." "Oh yeah?" He points to himself. "Juvie." "You drove a car into an ATM, Puck." "Details.")

Somewhere behind them all, Blaine sighed. "Guys?"

They were involved in this new argument, and paid him no attention. Blaine sighed again, and, pocketing his cell phone and grabbing his bag, he went and tapped Mercedes on the shoulder.

"What?" Mercedes said, distracted from the hubbub. Her eyes narrowed when she noticed just how calm and unaffected Blaine looked. "Boy, why the hell are you not freaking out like the rest of us? It's your boo that got kidnapped!"

Blaine looked like he very much wanted to roll his eyes but was too genteel to do so. "Kurt's fine," he said.

"How do you know?" Mercedes demanded.

"Because," Blaine said, "He wasn't actually kidnapped."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No, really." Blaine looked at Mercedes. Clearly, she still wasn't sure if she trusted him or not. Blaine sighed again. "Look," he said, "I have to go; I've got a meeting, so if you could just get them to talk to Mr. Hummel, I think you'll find that everything is perfectly fine."

Mercedes looked like she was about to object.

"And anyway," Blaine said, not above manipulation (he was a mob boss in training, after all), "If Kurt really is in trouble the way you all seem to think, shouldn't you inform his parents before you do anything else?"


"Alright, since I am clearly the superior leader in this group, I should be the one to inform Mr. Hummel of his son's unfortunate kidnapping and possible execution," Rachel said as the members of New Directions regrouped outside of the Hudmel household.

"Um, shouldn't Finn do it, since Kurt's his brother, and he kind of promised Mr. H. that he'd look out for him?" Mercedes asked, putting a hand on her hip and glaring at Finn pointedly.

"Hey, no way. Burt just got over being mad at me from the last time...and the time before that. Do you know how awkward it'll be watching the Superbowl with him if he's mad at me again? Plus, it'll make my mom all upset..." He finished, scuffing his shoe against the sidewalk.

"I'll do it!" Brittany said, bouncing up and down in excitement. "I bet Kurt's dad'll be really glad he got a job where he gets to fly everywhere!"

"...Well, now that we've once again established that Brittany missed a few crucial episodes of Mister Rogers as a kid, may I suggest we figure out what we're doing?" Rachel said, tapping her foot impatiently.

"For once, I agree with Berry," Santana said, snapping her gum while she spoke. "Also, while we've been standing here, the kidnappers have probably already shaved off Hummel's eyebrows, or whatever they do to gay guys when they kidnap them."

"Oh sweet Jesus, they're gonna destroy his clothing." Mercedes said, putting her hand over her heart in shock. "He wore that new McQueen jacket today, too...If they mess up the stitching, he'll have a nervous breakdown..."

"Guys? Here's an idea," Mr. Schue said as he walked up from where he had just gotten out of his car. "How about when I say 'Wait a minute, I'll come along to talk to Kurt's dad', you actually wait instead of just running out of the room the moment I turn my back?" Giving the group of kids his best 'Disappointed' face, he made his way through the small crowd to knock on the door.

"Mr. Schue! Kids! To what do I owe the honor?" Burt asked as he swung the door open, smiling at the group on his steps. "Well, aside from you, Finn. I know why you're here...Not sure why you made your friends wait outside when you've got a key, but hey, I won't ask." He motioned them all inside, not seeming to notice how uncomfortable they all looked.

"Where's Kurt? Off with Blaine again, huh? I swear, I don't know how that kid's passing his classes with as much as he's out...Then again, I was the same way with his mom, so he gets it honest I guess." Burt said, chuckling and shaking his head fondly.

"Mr. Hummel, we think Kurt's been kidnapped." Will blurted out, slapping his hand over his mouth afterwards, shocked at how abruptly the news had slipped out. Realizing he didn't really have a choice but to continue, he lowered his hand and took a deep breath.

"Rachel and Finn saw two rather large men grab Kurt when he walked out to his car between classes. We're not sure where they took him, but he's not answering texts from anyone, and no one has seen Anthony since this morning." He sighed, putting a hand on Burt's shoulder, squeezing in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

"...Um...Burt?" Finn asked, raising his hand as if in class. "I just wanna say...I totally woulda stopped those guys, but they were like...Two of me...and a half."

Burt nodded slowly, looking between the members of New Directions for a minute before pulling out his phone and dialing Kurt's cell phone, smiling as his son picked up. "Hey kid...Yeah, everything's fine...I hear you got kidnapped, though...No, he didn't, but Finn and Mr. Schue and everyone else did...No, I'm not kidding...I'm serious! I'm lookin' at all of 'em right now; you'd think their puppy got run over...Oh...Really? Time for that already, huh?" He whistled softly, shaking his head slightly. "You're in for the long haul now, kid...Yeah, I'll let you go. Say hello for me, I wouldn't wanna get on her bad side...Yeah, you too. Bye, kiddo."

He hung up, putting his phone back in his pocked before looking at the group in front of him. "Kurt says to tell you all that, and this is straight from the horse's mouth, you're a group of meddling busy-bodies that puts the Mystery Inc. gang to shame and that clearly the entire group's IQ drops in to the negatives when he's not around."

"If our IQ was in the negatives, wouldn't we get frostbite?" Brittany asked, shivering slightly.

Burt shook his head at the blonde before continuing on. "Kurt also said to tell you all that he won't be home until later tonight, so he'll talk to you all tomorrow." When none of the kids seemed to get the hint, Burt sighed. "That means 'go home', guys. He's fine." As they stood up and filed out the door slowly, Will stayed behind.

"If he's fine, why didn't he answer when any of the other kids texted him?" He asked, frowning at Burt slightly, wanting to understand the situation completely.

"Because he's having tea with Blaine's mother," Burt said, laughing softly and shaking his head. "Apparently, she's the head honcho of all this mob business, so Kurt didn't wanna tick her off. Only reason he answered for me is because he was afraid something was wrong."

Will blinked in surprise, least of which was at Burt's seemingly easy acceptance of Kurt having tea with a mobster's wife. "And you're okay with him having tea with the head honcho? Really?"

Burt looked at him, winking slightly. "How do you think they knew which car to be waiting at? Anthony told me this was gonna happen a week ago so I could sign a note letting him out of school early." Patting Will on the shoulder as he walked him to the door, Burt laughed. "Everybody's gotta meet the in-laws sometime, Schue."


Melissa had tried to be patient. She had waited through Blaine dancing around the house with a love-struck look on his face, through him pacing the hallways trying to come up with ways to ask Kurt out, through his transfer to McKinley (she still shuddered to think of all his years of private school education going to waste at the hands of the Ohio public school system, but what could she do). If you asked her, she had given her son all the time in the world to bring this new boyfriend home to meet her. The fact that he hadn't, even though she had been more than patient, left her only one choice:

If Blaine wasn't going to bring her Kurt, then she'd send someone to get him herself.

Admittedly, she probably should have told Blaine she was having his boyfriend pulled out of school in the middle of the day. And it might have been a good idea to ask him exactly what Kurt knew in regards to their family's business endeavors, but she would have assumed that if Blaine was willing to follow the boy from Dalton to McKinley, he was willing to tell him that they were getting engaged.

Clearly, she overestimated her son's level of willingness. Otherwise she wouldn't be in the situation she was in now: Holding out a silver handgun to a very confused sixteen year old boy.

"I'm...It's nice?" Kurt said helplessly, smiling slightly and shrugging. "I'm not really a big fan of guns, though...My dad is, you two will have to get together sometime and talk about them, maybe...I mean, he has a shotgun, it's nothing like this, but still. A gun is a gun, right?" He asked, smiling at her hopefully.

"That would be where you're wrong, Kurt." Melissa said, setting the gun down on the table between them. "This gun has been in the Anderson family since the latter half of the nineteenth century. It was handcrafted as a gift for the wife of Maxwell Anderson, the first official head of the Anderson family business. Since then, it's been passed down to every woman that was engaged to marry into this family, without fail. Blaine's grandmother, Augusta, gave it to me when his father proposed...Now it's my turn to give it to you, seeing as you and Blaine are sure to be engaged sooner rather than later." She pushed it across the table to him, watching his face closely. "I'm afraid the holster for it fell apart ages ago, but we have a leathersmith on call who can make one specific to your height and dominant hand whenever you're ready. I've also taken the liberty of having a concealed carrying permit drawn up for you. I've given it to Anthony to hold on to for the time being."

Kurt nodded slightly, staring down at the gun with wide eyes. "So...This gun...Means I'm marrying Blaine...That...That we're engaged?" He asked, finally looking up and making eye contact with Melissa, who laughed softly.

"Of course it does. We need to get you trained in marksmanship before the wedding, don't we? I mean, granted, it's been quite a long time since an Anderson wedding got interrupted by a gunfight...Lately, it's just been drunken best men who ruin things," she added, frowning slightly. "But still, the tradition is that you get this gun when you get engaged so that you have time to get used to it so that it can be hiding in your garter belt on your wedding day, just in case." 

She paused, looking at Kurt thoughtly. "Though, to be fair, I'm not sure where we'll hide it with you, since you won't have a garter belt...Possibly inside of your suit jacket...Of course that would depend on the suit...Have you thought about what designer you'll want to wear? I have a few contacts at Dolce who could possibly make you something custom with an extra pocket to hide it in...That might be too bulky, though..."

Kurt stood up abruptly, his face paler than normal. "Mrs. Anderson, I'm terribly sorry to run off like this, but I just remembered that my brother and I are hosting a movie night for the members of New Directions. If I don't leave now, Finn will probably try and cook for them, which would be an unmitigated disaster. If you'll excuse me..." He picked up the gun awkwardly, not entirely sure of what to do with it. "I...Um..."

"I kept it in one of my boots until I got a holster," Melissa supplied helpfully, watching Kurt as he fumbled around with the handgun. No need to tell him that it wasn't loaded (and wouldn't be, until she knew he wasn't going to accidentally kill someone), he could figure it out by himself. "And of course, I understand completely. I once left Blaine's father alone in the kitchen while I went to put Emma down for a nap? I was gone no more than five minutes, and came back to not only a completely flooded kitchen, but to a husband in need of stitches..." She stood up as well, walking with Kurt to the door. "We'll have to do this again, Kurt. You're going to have a lot of learning to do before you and Blaine head down the aisle. What do you say to weekly lessons? Would Thursdays directly after school work for you?"

"I...Sure...That sounds lovely," Kurt said, smiling weakly and waving goodbye, practically sprinting out the door to the car that had driven him to the mansion.

Melissa sighed, shaking her head slightly. "You can come out from where you’re skulking, Anthony...You're going to need to drive him home, anyways."

Anthony stepped out from around the corner, nodding towards the car. "He's a good kid, Boss Lady...Good grades, good friends, decent head on his shoulders...Nice family, from what I've seen of 'em, mainly his dad an' his stepbrother so far. He's a tiny little thing, but Boss Junior's not really the next jolly green giant, so that works out..."

"He's weak," Melissa said shortly, turning to face Anthony. "If the idea of getting engaged to my son is enough to make him look like he's seen a ghost, what happens when he actually has to get his hands dirty and fight? What if he gets kidnapped by someone who isn't family? He'll be the easiest torture victim in the history of this family. One well-placed poke would have him spilling every secret he knew, and probably inventing some others!"

Anthony tilted his head to the side slightly, not wanting to completely disagree with her, lest it got him fired. "I think he just needs time, Boss Lady. You haven't seen him around some of those jocks at McKinley. He might not be good with a gun yet, but he can sure take 'em down a peg or two when he feels like it, just by glaring at 'em...Lot like somebody else we know." He said pointedly, stepping around her and nodding slightly. "I'll be heading home for the night after I drop Mr. Hummel off, if it's all the same to you, ma'am."

"That's fine, Anthony. Thank you for your help getting everything arranged for today," she said, waiting until he had started walking to the car to shut the door. She headed back to the living room, frowning as she saw her phone flashing to signal that she had missed two text messages.

Can you please, please, PLEEEEEEEASE talk to Dad? He's being ridiculous about us flying home tonight. So what if it's two am in Singapore and we've been up since yesterday morning? I was supposed to take Kurt to the movies tonight; he'll think I skipped out on him on purpose! Please, Mom? -B.

You are about to be short one child if your son doesn't stop bugging me about getting home to see his boyfriend, Melissa. Speaking of, how did meeting him go? From the way Blaine's going on about him, I expect to hear nothing but good things. He must be something special, I've threatened to take away Blaine's key to the shooting range twice and he's still talking about him. I'm going to go put in some earplugs and go to sleep. Love you, darling. -D.

Melissa sighed, sending a quick text message to both of them ( Both of you behave and go to sleep before I take away both your keys to the shooting range. I'll see you tomorrow. -M .) before sitting down on the sofa again. Reading over Blaine's text again, she sighed softly.

"I really hope you're stronger than you look, Kurt Hummel..."


Finn was the only one still awake when Kurt finally got home. Well, the only Hudmel, anyway.

He'd been watching a surprisingly scary movie about this shark that like, ate planes, and dude. Planes are totally bigger than sharks, so this is one monster shark. So maybe he was a little on edge. Not scared, of course, because this was just some straight-to-DVD b-flick and Finn Hudson is not afraid of the dark, okay? So maybe he jumped a little when the door suddenly opened. But there is no way he screamed like a girl. (And, dude, that coming from Kurt? Truly weird, 'cause, you know, Kurt  talked like a girl all the time--)

"I can hear you thinking, Finn Hudson," Kurt said, hands on his hips. He looked fiercely annoyed. (Fierce was, like, the best word for Kurt ever. Besides gay. But that was offensive. Although it was also true? So sometimes it wasn't? But fierce was always okay. And Kurt was pretty much always fierce, so it worked out.)

Finn winced. "But I didn't say it?" He said hesitantly. So it's not that bad, right? And there's no way Kurt actually read his mind, because, that's like, from one of Sam's comic books or something. But something about the way Kurt was looking at him made him wonder...

Kurt shook his head, which worried Finn for a moment (Because he hates when he fights with Kurt; he never knows how to fix it and sometimes he doesn't even know they're fighting until Kurt tells him, and -- huh. Except for like, the make-up make-outs, that's kind of like when he's fighting with Rachel. Except  he's  his brother and  she's  his girlfriend and wait --) until he realized Kurt was trying to suppress laughter. "It's okay, Finn," he said, thankfully with only a hint of mirth. "I was just teasing you. You know, like when you deliberately mess up fashion names when talking to me?" And okay, Finn does know what Kurt's talking about, but to be fair, up until that ridiculously long car trip a few months earlier, he really just didn't remember names like Alexander McQueen. Finn still thinks Steve McQueen is cooler, but knows better than to say so in front of Kurt.

A polite cough came from somewhere behind Kurt. Finn looked over Kurt's head and saw Anthony (Kurt's  bodyguard , which, like, was never going to stop being cool) standing just inside the door. "I'll be going now, Mr. Hummel, Mr. Hudson--" (and the fact that Kurt's  bodyguard  called Finn Mr. Hudson was also never going to stop being cool) " -- but I'll be back to pick Mr. Hummel up for school tomorrow."

Kurt frowned. "I thought Blaine was picking me up," he said.

Finn frowned. "I thought you were giving me a ride to school," Finn said. He didn't add the  like you usually do  part, but he figured it was implied.

Kurt sighed at him. "I told you, Finn, I have to go in early to make up a test. Blaine's picking me up so I can leave the Navigator here for you to drive to school." Kurt faltered. "Or he was," he said.

Anthony looked sympathetic, which Finn thought was kind of weird for a bodyguard, particularly a  mob  bodyguard, but apparently all those mob movies he'd watched were less than true. "It's nothing big, Bossman," Anthony said. "His and The Boss's meeting ran late, is all, and The Boss decided they'd spend the night there and fly back in the morning. Mr. Anderson told me to tell you he's taking you out for lunch."

Kurt unwound a little, but only a little. "I didn't know Blaine had a meeting today," he said guardedly.

Anthony gave him a somewhat conspiratorial grin. "Between you and me, Bossman, I don't think Mr. Anderson knew either. Sometimes he gets so caught up in things that he forgets he has obligations, if you know what I mean."

Kurt sighed. "Yeah," he said. "I know exactly what you mean."

Finn didn't, but he guessed that didn't matter. After all, it wasn't like Blaine was his boyfriend. Because -- no. Just -- no. (Puck would probably say no homo, but Finn was learning how to be sensitive and stuff.) Anyway, he had a job to do. An important one. 

Keeping one eye on Kurt, who was saying goodbye to Anthony (Kurt's  bodyguard ), Finn surreptitiously sent out a mass text to New Directions.  KURT HOME. COM OVR NETIME .

"So, how big of a cow did the group have when you, in what I'm sure was a subtle and discreet fashion, let them know that I had been kidnapped?" Kurt asked once Anthony had left. Taking off his jacket, he hung it on the coat rack by the door before coming to sit down next to Finn on the couch.

"They didn't have a cow...That'd be pretty cool, though, right? If like, Tina just had a cow pop out of her? It could be like that scene in "Aliens"...only it'd be with a cow, so we'd have to call it "Cows"...You think people would watch that?" He asked, turning to look at Kurt only to draw back at the glare he was getting from his step-brother.

"Finn, I know that it's hard to keep the hamster in your head spinning on the same wheel for more than thirty seconds, but if you could PLEASE try and focus, I would greatly appreciate it," Kurt seethed, trying to keep his voice down so their parents wouldn't wake up. "Now, tell me why I got a phone call from my dad telling me that all of New Directions, including Mr. Schue, was here to tell him of my unfortunate kidnapping and seemingly inevitable execution?"

"Dude, could you back off on the bitchiness a little bit?" Finn asked, holding his hands up in surrender. "It's not my fault that we were worried! What would you do if you saw like, Mercedes getting dragged off like that? You'd freak out, and want to like...Well, you'd probably want to buy them new clothes first, 'cause even I could tell those suits were cheap, but still...Then you'd want to find a way to help her out, right? That's all we were trying to do, honest."

Kurt sighed, leaning back against the couch and running a hand over his face tiredly. "Yeah, I guess you're right...I just...It's been a long day, Finn. A really long, really confusing day, and the whole thing with everyone worrying didn't help get rid of any confusion, you know?"

"Well that's what happens when you start dating a mobster, white boy." Said a voice from the doorway, causing Kurt to lift his head up in shock (well, it wasn't  really  shock, because Finn had sent the text to all of New Directions...including Kurt himself, but no one could ever say that Kurt Hummel didn't play along). Mercedes had made her way inside, along with Tina, Puck, Santana, Rachel, and Sam.

"So, when you thought I had been kidnapped, you all came running. Now that I'm actually home, I don't even get half of the group?" Kurt asked, trying to make a joke to ease the tension he could feel from his classmates. Seeing Mercedes narrow her eyebrows, he closed his mouth quickly.

"Actually, they all sent along messages for us to kick your butt for not answering their text messages earlier." Puck said, gesturing between himself and Sam. "But since I'm pretty sure your dad would beat both of us up for even thinking about it, we're just gonna glare at you while the chicks get all up in your face." Sam nodded, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at Kurt quietly.

"...Okay then. You two have fun with that," Kurt said, turning away from them to face the cluster of girls in front of him (for some reason, this whole situation was making him think of "The Flight of the Valkyries", not that he would ever tell the girls that. He liked breathing, thank you very much). "Look, I know I should've answered your texts, and I know I made you all worry, but can the lecture please wait until tomorrow?"

"Why should we let you off the hook?" Santana asked, putting her hand on her hip indignantly. "We've been trying to find out where you were for  hours , Hummel. Do you know how much booty I could've gotten with those hours?" She tsked, popping her gum and shaking her head at him. Tina stepped in front of her, crouching down so that she was at eye-level with Kurt, looking at him worriedly.

"Just tell us what happened, Kurt. We'll go away after that, we promise. We're just in the dark right now. Blaine wouldn't even tell us anything aside from the fact that he was sure you were fine. Like, was this part of some weird date for you guys, or something? I mean, if that's what you two are in to, I'm not gonna judge...I mean, Mike has this thing where he likes it if I--"

Kurt frowned, shaking his head and cutting her off quickly. "No! No, no no, no no. No, Tina, it wasn't...Also, I never want to know what Mike likes in that sense of the word..." He sighed, running a hand through his hair before continuing. "Guys, really, I appreciate your concern, but it was nothing." He sighed, reaching down to start unlacing the boots he had been wearing all day. "It was just something that I needed to get done, and now it's finished, and I haven't talked to Blaine since first period, and he's not going to be back until lunch time tomorrow, and I'm just really tired, okay?" He said, looking up as he finished unlacing both shoes. "Like I told Finn, it's been a long day."

He reached down and pulled off his right boot, letting it fall over as he started on the left, missing the small clattering noise that occurred as it hit the ground. He didn't, however, miss the gasps from everyone in the room that happened immediately afterward. "What? I know; it fell over. Even I'm not that serious about fashion, guys. It's a boot, it'll live." 

Not getting an answer, Kurt looked up, then followed Tina's gaze over to where a small silver handgun had slid out of his boot when it had fallen over. He quickly reached over and grabbed it, putting it back inside the boot hastily before daring to look at any of his friends.

The girls looked surprised, as was expected (even Kurt's military inspired pieces of clothing didn't come with actual weaponry). Finn looked confused, as was normal (seriously, this was the boy who thought Kurt wore clothes by Steve McQueen. Kurt wouldn't be shocked if his step-brother would now believe that all designer boots came with a built in gun holster). Puck looked jealous (he was probably daydreaming about how badass he'd look with a gun), and Sam was still glaring, apparently unaware of what had just happened.

Kurt cleared his throat slightly, making everyone bring their attention back to him. He looked in between them all for a second, trying to decided what the best course of action would be in this situation. Figuring out what he wanted to say, he sat the boots to the side gently, then smiled at them all as if nothing had happened.

"So, did I tell you all that I met my future Mother-in-Law today?"

"Dude," Puck said. "You have a gun. You have a gun. That's kind of more interesting."

Kurt smiled tightly. "I have a gun," he agreed. "And we're not talking about it."


"Not talking about it."


"Not talking about it."

"Do you at least have a concealed carry permit?"

Kurt sighed. "Rachel, my boyfriend's in the mob. What do you think? And we're not talking about it.


"Seriously, Finn,  not talking about it ."

The other members of New Directions exchanged glances. Clearly they weren't getting anything from Kurt about the gun thing tonight, except no comment and possibly bitchery. Mercedes wasn't even thinking about the gun anymore. She'd just replayed what Kurt had said in her head.

"What do you mean, you met your future  mother-in-law ?" She demanded.

Kurt froze for a moment. They were all staring at him.

"Did Blaine propose?" Rachel asked. "Was it romantic? Oh, are you going to try and get married here? You could be the trail-blazers of same-sex marriage in Ohio! My fathers have some very good contacts with the ACLU --"

"No," Kurt cut her off. "Blaine didn't propose."

"Good," Mercedes said, arms crossed. "Boy, the two of you are still in high school. You haven't even taken the SATs yet!"

"Blaine didn't propose," Kurt repeated. His gaze flicked sideways. "Not exactly, anyway," he said more quietly.

Finn was confused. "How could he not exactly propose? I mean, it's like proposing to a girl, right? So either he proposed or he didn't."

Kurt didn't look like he wanted to talk about it, but he bit his lip and started to explain. A little. “He didn't propose,” Kurt said quietly, “But his mother seems to think it’s a done deal.” Kurt paused. "And I’m not sure she’s wrong. He didn’t propose, but – He will. Someday. When we're both ready."

"Um," Tina said, breaking the awkward silence that followed. "So what's your mother-in-law like?"

"Nice," Kurt said, automatically. "Scary," he added after a moment of thought, "but nice. She -- I don't know. She was nice." He frowned. "I would have liked a little forewarning, I mean, look at what I'm wearing, but all in all I think it went pretty well."

"So," Sam said slowly, "You didn't know you were going to meet her? So you  were  kidnapped. To start with, I mean."

Kurt waved a hand airily. "Yeah, the Andersons do that. You get used to it. At least this time the men told me what was going on once I was in the car. When Blaine's little sister wanted to meet me I really did think I was being kidnapped."

"Wait, he has a sister?" Finn asked, raising his eyebrows in shock. "Since when? I thought he was an only child."

"Finn, that's because you think everyone is an only child until you see their brothers or sisters, dude." Puck said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Remember that time you thought I was on drugs because I kept telling you about my little sister breaking her arm?"

"Oh...Right. My bad."

"Anyways..." Mercedes said, waving a hand in annoyance at Finn and Puck. "Tell us more, boy! You can't just get yanked out of school to meet your boyfriend's mom and not tell us about it!" Tina and Rachel nodded, moving to sit in front of Kurt on the floor, looking up at him excitedly.

"Oh my Gaga, I feel like I'm in a production of "Bye Bye, Birdie" right now..." Kurt mumbled as Mercedes pulled Finn off the couch in order to sit next to her BFF. "Fine. What do you all want to know? And before you ask, Puck, we're still not talking about the gun, so don't even try."

"What'd she want to talk about?" Rachel asked immediately.

"What's she like, aside from 'Scary, but nice'?" Tina chimed in, leaning forward and putting her chin in her hands.

"Was she all blinged out with stolen jewelry?" Santana asked from where she had perched herself on the arm of the couch. "I mean, she had to at least have a big ass rock on her finger, right?"

"Does she like you?" Mercedes asked, putting a hand on Kurt's shoulder to get his attention first. "'Cause I don't care if she's the mob boss' wife, if she was rude to my boy, me and her'll have some words."

"Was Blaine's sister hot?" Puck asked, leering slightly.

"More important: Was the mom hot? Everybody knows you judge a girl's hotness by her mom, dude." Sam said, nodding sagely.

Puck laughed, holding up his hand for Sam to high five him. "True facts, dude. That's why I like to check out the cougars at the super market. You know some of those old chicks have hot daughters at home waiting to get some Puckzilla."

"Um, guys?" Kurt asked from where he was sitting on the couch. "You know I'm probably not the right person to judge on how hot two women were, right?" He smirked slightly. "I will say however, their fashion sense was impeccable." 

Kurt paused. "Also, Puck, you just asked me if a seven-year-old was hot. Just so you know."

"Man," Puck said disgustedly, uncrossing and re-crossing his arms, "You sure know how to make a guy feel like a total perv, Hummel."

Kurt leaned back into the soft cushions of the couch. "You are a total perv, Puckerman," He said. Pursing his lips, he considered the matter. "Blaine's mother -- she's beautiful. Elegant. She kind of walks like she's floating on air, you know? And she has perfectly manicured nails."

"Hummel, you just told us a whole lot of nothing," Santana said with a scowl. "What kind of info is that?"

"The kind I just gave you," Kurt said grumpily. "Fine." He thought for a moment. "She has dark hair--curly, like Blaine's. ("Wait, Blaine has curly hair?" "Yes, Finn." "But--" "He uses hair gel, Finn.") And her eyes -- I suppose they're brown, but they're this really warm color. She wasn't wearing any bling," Kurt said with a roll of his eyes. "She has far too much class for that. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only jewelry she was wearing was her wedding ring."

"Yes," Rachel said impatiently, "This is all very exciting and vital information but it pales beside the significance of the subject of conversation."

Kurt reached up to smooth away any fly hairs that might have come out of place in the last few minutes. "We didn't really talk about anything in particular," he said. "Not at first, anyway. I mean, she asked me about school and told me some incredibly entertaining stories about Blaine as a small child which I will now be holding over him for the rest of our lives, but really, I think she just wanted to meet me." 

The others were nodding, apparently satisfied, but Rachel was frowning. Considering how self-absorbed Rachel Berry could be, she was a surprisingly good listener. "You said you didn't talk about anything in particular at first," she said, slowly. "Thereby implying that you did talk about something in particular later."

A hint of discomfort flashed across Kurt's face. "Yes," he said, volunteering nothing more.

"So what did you talk about?" Rachel pressed.

Kurt stood up somewhat abruptly. "She wanted to explain my future duties," he said, pacing the floor.

"Future duties?" Mercedes asked.

"Like as the mob boss's wife?" Puck asked with a smirk, just to wind Hummel up.

"Yes," Kurt said after a hesitation. "Pretty much exactly like that. And now I'm going to bed. Good night." The basement door shut behind him with a very final sounding click.

Kurt locked the door behind himself before he started down the steps, deciding that Finn could sleep on the couch, it served him right for calling in the troops to interrogate him. Making it down the steps to his bed, he sat down and pulled out his phone, checking the time before sending a quick text message.

What are the chances that you're awake right now? ~K

Depends. Am I in some sort of trouble? If so, this text message was pre-recorded. ;)

Kurt laughed as he read the text message, shaking his head and pressing 'Talk' instead of responding. He had barely gotten to hear five seconds of Blaine's ringback ("Teenage Dream", because apparently his boyfriend was the mob world's biggest dork ever) before he heard the 'click' of the call being answered.

"If this is about me not picking you up for school tomorrow, I'm sorry. I tried to get back tonight, but Dad wasn't having it." Blaine said as he answered, skipping over the pleasantries like he normally did when Kurt was the one calling him.

"No, that's fine. Trust me, I get having a Dad who won't change his mind. That's why I have a bodyguard coming to pick me up in the morning, remember?" Kurt said, chuckling slightly and leaning back against the headboard of his bed. "No, I just wanted to give you a heads up that you're going to get to play a game tomorrow during glee practice..."

"You know, it kind of ruins the whole game if you tell me about it beforehand, Jigsaw." Blaine said, laughing softly. When his joke was met with silence on the other end of the conversation, he sighed. "Jigsaw...The 'Saw' movies...'Let's play a game' is his catchphrase."

"Oh I know," Kurt said, "I just don't know how comfortable I feel with my mob boss-to-be boyfriend comparing me to a serial killer. Especially after I met his mother today, and she gave me a handgun as a 'Welcome to the family' gift...Seems like tempting fate to me."

Blaine blinked slightly in shock. "She...She gave you a handgun? What'd it look like?" He was trying to sound casual, but he was pretty sure he had missed it by a mile. Still, there was no way his mother had given Kurt the handgun he was thinking about.

"It's the one you're thinking about," Kurt said simply, thinking of the gun that was currently tucked away in his boots...

His boots.

That were still upstairs.

With the rest of New Directions.


"Blaine? While you roll the fact that your mother just gave me the Anderson family equivalent of an heirloom engagement ring around in that gorgeous brain of yours, I'm gonna go make sure that Puck doesn't decide to play Rambo, okay?" He said, standing up and heading for the stairs as he spoke.

"I...But...How did she--?" Blaine asked, getting cut off by Kurt talking over him.

"I'll tell you tomorrow, you owe me lunch, call your mother, Emma says hi, love you, bye!" Kurt said in a rush, hitting 'End' before Blaine could reply and bolting up the stairs and through the door.

"So help me Alexander, if any of you so much as  breathed  on those boots, I will get my bodyguard to end you."


Blaine let his cell phone fall down on the bed next to him, uncaring of where exactly it fell. His mother had given Kurt  that  gun? Grandma’s  gun? The fucking  engagement  gun?

They hadn’t ever even talked about what they’d do when Blaine  graduated , much less what they’d do for the rest of their lives. It wasn’t as though Blaine didn’t think about it — sometimes it seemed like it was all he thought about — but even though he was pretty sure Kurt felt the same, he’d never actually talked to him about it, and now his mother had gone and forced the issue.

God, sometimes his parents made him so angry.

A year ago, she was worried that Kurt only liked Blaine because he was the first other gay boy he’d met. (And hadn’t that helped Blaine’s self-esteem?) Six months ago, she was telling Blaine that high school romances rarely last and that it was part of his duty as the boss to be to not get other people involved in the family’s business. (As though she and dad hadn’t met in high school.) Three months ago, she was angry that Blaine wanted to switch schools and go to McKinley. (”For a  boy ?” she’d said. “You want to jeopardize your education for a  boy ?”) Last week, she was grilling Blaine on everything and anything to do with his relationship with Kurt (please never let the phrase “proper lubrication” come out of his mother’s mouth ever again; Blaine’s not sure he’d survive it a second time).

And now she was giving her blessing? For them to get  married ?

“Your mother doesn’t do anything by halves,” a voice said from the doorway of Blaine’s hotel room. “You know that,” Blaine’s father said, leaning against the door frame, hands casually in his pockets.

“She really doesn’t,” Blaine said, staring at the ceiling, as though it was a coded report on the business that required interpretation.

“She likes him,” Blaine’s father said. “I still haven’t met him, but from what your mother says, you could do worse.” Blaine turned to look at his father, who raised an eyebrow. “And from what you say about this boy, it was only a matter of time.”

While that might be true, Blaine would really have preferred to bring up the topic of marriage  himself.

His father pushed off the door frame, clearly about to leave. “And it’s good for the family,” he said, almost to himself. Of course he’s thinking about the business, Blaine thought resentfully. “Everyone will settle down a little once they know you won’t be aligning yourself with someone in the business.” He paused. “Although on the other hand, we can’t use that as a bargaining strategy anymore.”

“Dad,” Blaine said. “I was  never  going to marry someone just to cement an alliance for the family.”

Blaine’s father looked up, “Of course not,” he said, clearly surprised Blaine would even think such a thing. “But it was a useful fiction from time to time.” Okay, Blaine guessed he could understand that.

What he didn’t understand was his mother. “You know, I’ve liked other boys and mom’s never been so … aggravating about any of them,” Blaine said. “She was always happy for me. So why’d she fight me dating Kurt so much?”

Blaine’s father grinned. “Well, she had to make sure it was real love, didn’t she? Your mother’s a practical woman, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a romantic.”

Blaine hid his face in his hands. “So she was making things difficult for me on purpose?” he asked, voice muffled. “Just to see what I’d do? Is that why she wasn’t just happy for me?”

“Pretty much,” his father said.

Blaine groaned. Sometimes, his mother could be so manipulative.

“We are, you know,” Blaine’s father said quietly from across the room.

“Are what?” Blaine asked his hands.

“Happy for you.”


Kurt was out-of-sorts the whole morning. He nearly took Anthony's head off when the man tried to joke with him on the ride to school. In his second period class, Trigonometry, he took (and failed) a pop quiz, then ended up arguing with the teacher about how this would ever have anything to do with his life, which got him sent to the office for the second time in his life. By lunch time, all he wanted to do was go somewhere where he could be alone and scream. Or cry. Or hit something. Or just -- go to sleep, and forget about everything. He hadn't felt this out of control since he was being terrorized by Karkosfy, and it angered him. Being with Blaine -- being in love with Blaine -- was so easy. So simple. It wasn't supposed to make him feel like this.

Kurt sighed. Blaine'd said he was taking Kurt out to lunch, which probably meant Breadstix, but could also mean any number of other, fancier restaurants. Kurt really wasn't sure he wanted to deal with that. He wanted to see Blaine -- knew once he did, everything, even the fact that Blaine's  mother  had apparently decided that they were getting  married , would seem more manageable. 

They hadn't ever talked about it. Why would they? They're only in high school. It's not even legal in the state of Ohio. 

They hadn't ever talked about it, but Kurt had always sort of vaguely known. How could he not? Blaine had followed him to McKinley. He said stupidly romantic ridiculous things, and  meant  them. But so long as they didn't talk about it, they could both pretend they didn't know. As long as they didn't talk about it, Kurt could take the part of his mind that said Blaine was the one and push it aside, hide it behind fashion trends and celebrity gossip, behind Glee club drama and what movie they were going to go see. As long as they didn't talk about it, it was safe.

Anthony followed Kurt to the parking lot, a huge, hulking shadow that both frustrated and reassured Kurt. Anderson bodyguards were noted for their discretion, so when Kurt finally saw Blaine, leaning up against his ridiculously expensive car, Anthony stayed a good ten feet behind him. Close enough to protect them if necessary, but far enough away to at least give the illusion of privacy. Kurt opened his mouth to greet Blaine, to say "Let's go to lunch!", but nothing came out. He saw Blaine look concerned and move toward him, but Kurt still couldn't speak. He didn't know what to say. 

Then Blaine's arms were around him and he was warm and safe and loved and -- "I don't want to go to lunch," Kurt said quietly into Blaine's shoulder, voice slightly muffled by the cloth.

"Okay," Blaine said. He seemed calm, but Kurt could hear the worry underneath. "Then we won't go to lunch." Kurt closed his eyes and curled closer into Blaine, tucking his face into the soft skin of Blaine's neck. Dimly, he realized Blaine was talking again. "--okay? It was my mom, wasn't it? She's kind of intense, I know, and her giving you that gun must have -- I mean, when you told me, I know I was -- Just, tell me, Kurt. What can I do, baby? What do you need me to do?"

Kurt ignored the fact that Blaine had called him baby. He never had before, and in the back of his mind, Kurt felt as though he ought to find the endearment embarrassing, if not offensive. But somehow it sounded different -- natural, right -- said in Blaine's low voice. It sounded ... perfect. "I just want to go home," Kurt whispered. He knew he ought to go to class, but it seemed like far too much effort. "Please just take me home."

Blaine nodded, kissing the top of Kurt's head gently before pulling away slightly. "Send Mercedes a text so that she knows you're okay and that you won't be at Glee practice, alright? I need to let Anthony know what's going on, and then we'll go, okay?"

Kurt nodded, pulling away from Blaine slowly and pulling out his phone. "Yeah, okay. Want me to ask her to pick up your Government homework for you while I'm at it, since you two are in class together?" He asked, needing to have something to focus more than he was worried about Blaine's grades.

Blaine nodded, rubbing Kurt's shoulder gently before letting go of him and walking over to where Anthony was standing. "What the hell happened, Anthony?" He asked, keeping his voice low so that Kurt wouldn't hear him. "The last I talked to him, he was fine. Now he's a wreck."

Anthony sighed, shrugging slightly and looking at Blaine like he wasn't sure how to handle the situation. He had been around the Andersons since before Blaine was born, so the boy was like a nephew to him, but that still didn't give him the freedom to say whatever he wanted. There was a code of conduct to being privy to the kind of information that he knew, and the first line of that code said that he didn't give Blaine, Emma, or anyone else information that he wasn't explicitly given permission to tell them. Keeping an eye on Kurt, he lead Blaine a few steps further away while he figured out what he wanted to say.

"Alright, first of all, this conversation never happened. It's more than my job's worth to tell you, plus your mother would kill me," he said, looking Blaine in the eye to make sure he understood. Once the teen nodded, Anthony nodded over at Kurt and continued. "She wanted to see how he handles basically being told that he belongs to you no matter what. She's afraid he's too volatile, wears too much of his heart on his sleeve."

"Of course he does!" Blaine insisted, glaring at Anthony slightly, breaking away from his normally composed demeanor. "If he didn't put too much of himself out there every time he opens his mouth, I wouldn't want to be with him, Anthony!" Realizing that he was starting to get louder, and not wanting to attract Kurt's attention, Blaine took a breath to calm himself down before continuing.

"I have spent my whole life living around people who try their hardest not to feel anything. They push every single damn emotion that they have so far down that seeing them smile is like winning the lottery." He sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking over at Kurt, who seemed to have skipped texting Mercedes in favor of calling her.

"No, I know, so then I said that the only people who even care about Trig are people who're forced to teach it because they aren't talented enough to make money as anything aside from a teacher in Podunk, Ohio," Kurt said, gesturing with the hand not holding his phone and laughing slightly as he listened to whatever Mercedes was saying in response.

Blaine smiled, watching him for a minute before turning back to Anthony. "He is the first person I've met who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm going too far, or not going far enough. He can build me up with a smile or cut me down to size with a smirk. I need someone like him in my life, not some cookie-cutter mob boy who's willing to let me run things however I want just because I'm the boss. I want someone who'll scream in my face when I'm doing something wrong and scream in my face when I'm doing something right..." He trailed off, shrugging slightly. 

"I want him. The way he is right now. Heart on his sleeve not optional. If mom can't deal with that, then she and I'll probably be having some sort of massive blowout before it's all said and done, but I don't care. Dad got to make his choice in picking her, I'm making mine."

Anthony waited, making sure the boy was finished before nodding. "Between you and me? He reminds me a lot of your mom when your parents first got together. Doesn't take no for an answer, is willing to work hard to get what he wants..." He smirked, elbowing Blaine slightly. "Has the boss-to-be wrapped around his little finger...."

Blaine laughed softly, nodding without even trying to deny it. "Yeah, he certainly does...I don't know if he realizes it yet, but he does." He sighed, standing up a little straighter and nodding at Anthony, back to being the Blaine Anderson that the bodyguard was used to seeing. "Speaking of which, he wants to go home, skip out on the rest of class for today. Can you take care of that with the office while I drive him home, then just meet us there?"

Anthony nodded quickly, back to business as well. "Sure thing, boss. I'll be there in about twenty minutes." Seeing Blaine shake his head slightly, Anthony tried again. "Thirty minutes?" Another shake of the head. "Boss, you know I can't just let you two fall off the map for the rest of the day. Mr. Hummel's dad alone would have my head for leaving you two alone in the house."

"Just...Give us an hour, please?" Blaine asked, looking at Anthony with the closest he could get to puppy dog eyes without losing his composure. "We need to talk, and it'll be easier if we can do it with no one else around, no matter how discreet." 

Anthony sighed, nodding slowly. "Fine. You get an hour. I'll go by Breadstix and pick you two up something; that should give you enough time to talk..." He rolled his eyes at Blaine slightly, punching the boy on the arm gently. "You're gonna get me fired, kid."

Blaine laughed, rubbing at his shoulder (Anthony's idea of gentle was about on par with Mike Tyson's). "Even if I did, Kurt would make me hire you right back, so it'd be fine." He looked at Anthony, then nodded toward his car. "I'm gonna get him home. We'll see you in an hour."

Anthony nodded, turning on his heel and walking back toward the school, taking his time. Once he heard both car doors open and shut, he looked down at his watch, checking the time and putting together a likely order of events in his head as he heard Blaine pull out of the parking lot. Making up his mind as to how he wanted to do things, he turned around and headed back to his car to take a nap.

He'd give them two hours. They could count it as an early wedding present.