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Does she know that I touch You?

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They were kissing passionately. Two people almost morphed into one. At least that was what it looked like from where Harry was currently standing, frozen at the end of book section D. He felt like somebody had clubbed him in the head. A dark raven haired boy with hair shaved clean on one side was licking eagerly into Louis fucking Tomlinson’s mouth. As if he was trying to devour the school’s sweetheart and most popular boy with every firm desperate stroke of his tongue. His hands were around Louis’ head and locked in an unbreakable embrace. He shoved his thigh between Louis’ legs and twisted his face to the side to suck ferociously at his neck. Harry could see the chiseled jaw and the light dust of scruff on Louis’ face. His eyes were closed as the other boy continued to work at his neck. He wasn’t as eager as the other boy, but still, Louis Tomlinson had a girlfriend. And yet he wasn't whispering into Eleanor Calder’s hair, he was here having the life sucked out of him by a boy.


Harry wanted to run, wanted to hide in a hole and never see the light of day again. He wanted to drown himself in the sea and never surface. And of course being the huge klutz that he was, when he finally started moving, his elbow decided to crash into a nearby shelf and sent books flying everywhere. Louis’ eyes snapped open at the noise and Harry’s breath almost hitched when their eyes met. Cold, steely winter blue.


He dropped to his knees immediately and started to scramble around for the fallen books. He didn't dare look up. Shit, shit, shit. He really wanted to die on the spot.


As he reached out for a book that had flew under the bookshelf, a hand took his and held him still. Louis fucking Tomlinson was looking at him with his hand grasping Harry’s as if he had done this a million times before. Harry was going to have a heart attack. It definitely didn't help that Louis had been Harry’s crush since he entered this high school. His grip was strong and warm. His hands were small and calloused, yet at the same time, so fragile looking and soft.


“You alright?” Louis tilted his head to try and catch Harry’s eye. His fringe falling into the ocean of his eyes.


“’M fine. I was just… walking. Wasn’t looking at where I was going.” Just one look at Louis had reduced Harry to a stuttering mess of awkward.


“Got distracted, huh?” Harry snapped his head up and his eyes followed Louis’ lips as they lifted into an unmistakable smirk. The blue eyes twinkled with mirth and curiosity. Their heads were so close that Harry could see the sweep of his long eyelashes as they stared at each other. Too close.


Harry rocked backwards on his heels and the momentum sent his limbs flailing. It was no surprise as he fell heavily onto his bum on the wooden floor.


The shock on Louis’ face turned into absolute delight as Harry let loose the most unmanly screech and the next minute, he was doubled over in hysterical laughter.


“Your… your…” The smaller boy heaved for breath. “Your fooking face…”


His laugh was like a church bell that left Harry trembling with its high beautiful sound. He grinned sheepishly and watched as Louis hacked out his last laugh. It wasn't until then did he notice the dark haired boy was nowhere to be seen and that they were alone in the library.


“Are you going to tell someone what you just saw?” Louis’ question cut through the hair like an arrow. Harry searched his face, but he simply contemplating Harry. Harry couldn't infer a single thing from the cold blank mask Louis had on.


God, he still looked so lovely in the dying embers of the red setting sun filtering through the windows behind him. The rays streaming in caught his face and swallowed the sharp angles of his features into shadows. His lips were raw red from kissing and his hair was a disheveled. He was a beautiful mess.


Harry wanted to touch him so badly. Wanted to kiss him. Wanted him. Wanted Louis to want him back.


He found himself saying the most ridiculous thing as he watched the sun’s dying light mix and swirled into the blue of Louis’ eyes, “If you kiss me, then I won’t tell a single soul.”



The mountains in the north engulfed the sun into the nest of its sea of trees and at once the stifling heat of June was replaced with the calming chill of night. It felt like an eternity, a lifetime as they continued to stare at each other. Harry was biting hard on his lips. He didn't know what possessed him to say that. He was so screwed. Louis finally broke eye contact when his eyes flicked down to watch the rawness blooming across Harry’s lips. 


“Okay.” And just like that, Louis leaned forward and pressed his lips to Harry’s. He swallowed Harry’s gasp of surprise and with a soft finger on his jaw, he fit their lips more firmly together. Harry opened easily for him. Hell, he had always been so easy for this boy. He let Louis explore him with lazy licks and he got lost in every touch. The heat building in the pit of his stomach had spread like a wild fire up his body, branding him with a hideous flame. He wondered if Louis’ heart was also threatening to burst as well. He wanted to flatten his hand over the boy’s chest to find out, but Louis was already pulling away.


“You sure about this?” Louis asked gently, tugging on a loose curl. Harry closed his eyes to the touch.


“Yes. Have an affair with me.” He whispered and it was more than enough. Louis pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek and was gone. He disappeared down the aisle without another glance back. Like the sun. Shining and burning so brightly one second, the next, vanishing on the horizon in a puff of smoke as soon as night dimmed its rays.



The next day, Harry spotted Louis leaning against the school gate with his arm slung casually around his girlfriend’s shoulders. His head was buried in the crook of her neck and she was smiling into the halo of his hair. They looked like a couple straight out of a magazine and Harry felt like someone had drove a dagger deep into his back. Then, he realized that it was Eleanor that Louis was cheating on with him. He had no right to feel betrayal or even jealousy. He should feel guilty. Harry pushed the thought from his mind and turned to walk away. Had he looked closer he would've seen Louis’ eyes tracking him across the schoolyard.


Harry ended up avoiding Louis for the rest of the day. Even though they practically had every class together. He was the last to enter and the first to leave. The hours stretched and Harry just wanted to go home. Finally, the bell rang and he literally sprinted down to get in line for the school bus. He fell to chatting with Niall, a good friend of his and a golf enthusiast. Harry got caught up in the conversation as Niall excitedly rambled on how he had finally became an official member of a golf club this summer that he didn’t notice a certain pixie haired someone stomping like a hurricane across the grounds in his direction.


A hand grasped his shoulder and swung him roughly around.


Louis looked well pissed.


“I’ve been looking for you. You’re a hard man to find, Styles. Guess you were too busy avoiding me all day.” He hissed through clenched teeth. His eyes hardened into an icy blue as he searched Harry’s bewildered face. They were causing quite a stir among the crowd that had gathered at the bus stip. Sensing all the stares, Louis’ lips curled in annoyance and he yanked Harry out of the line.


“Have fun, lads!” Niall was never the person to trust for help. His comment made Louis flush red. Harry let himself be dragged through the crowd and pushed unceremoniously onto the rough leather seat of Louis’ car.


“You’re going to fuck me so hard that I forget all about you pretending like I don’t exist the whole day. And about what just happened back there.”


Harry choked on the “I’m sorry” at the tip of his tongue. He turned to stare incredulously at Louis, but the other boy was staring determinedly at the road and was refusing to meet his eyes.


“What? Louis, you can’t be serious.” Harry squawked and he had half the mind to shake Louis out of his insanity. Well if he did that they might end up in a ditch somewhere, because Louis was practically speeding down the road.


“After all,” Louis finally turned to Harry, looking him dead in the eyes, “you are my affair.”


That shut Harry up.


That night, Louis rode Harry until he drove Harry over the edge and all he could see when he came into the sweaty beautiful angel on top of him was the blue of those eyes and delicate fingers curled into fists on his chest. Then, not forgetting a single word Louis had uttered, he had flipped them over and proceeded to pound into the other boy until Louis came with a broken cry.


That night, Louis didn’t taste like stale cigarettes and sharp honey mustard. He tasted sweeter than caramel and was like the finest, richest wine on Harry’s tongue. Harry supposed it was the dark haired boy he had tasted on Louis when they first kissed. And now that he knew what Louis really tasted like, he couldn’t get enough.



The library became their sanctuary. Their safe haven. Where Harry could touch Louis to his heart’s content and made everything bad go away. Except on Wednesdays, when Louis had to pick his twin sisters up from their school and take care of all the other Tomlinson kids. Harry still came on Wednesdays though. To trace his fingers through the dust on the shelves. To stand in the corner where he had fucked Louis, with him holding Louis up by his legs. Louis had squirmed so hard that Harry had almost dropped him and gave him a concussion. Louis had a good laugh afterwards. You’re always so clumsy. To remember the precious hours they had shared kissing, talking and learning. Learning about each other’s bodies and telling each other stories from life before they met. He had Louis’ heart for the hours after sunset and occasionally, in the dead of night when Louis snuck into his bed unannounced. In the mornings and under broad daylight though, Louis’ heart belonged to another soul with a high breathy laugh and long red nails.


“Does she touch you? Does she know that I… touch you?” Harry had plucked up his courage and asked Louis one day when they were sitting on the floor of the library. Louis was reading a book, A Stranger by Albert Camus, with Harry’s head tucked under his chin. Harry liked to be cuddled and held and since he could sense Louis was in a good mood, he had finally dared to ask.


Louis’ hands stilled from where they had been playing with Harry's wild curls. Harry could sense him tensing up. He braced himself for impact. Louis’ eyes were like two glowing Neptunes as he slowly lowered the book to look at Harry.


“Does it matter? I thought you said you wanted to be my affair. Of course she doesn’t know, you’re kind of like a secret. Isn’t that the definition of an affair? A secret sexual relationship between two beings?” Louis’ cold and indifferent tone struck Harry like a hard stone and it hurt. Harry knew he was right.


“Was Zayn your affair too?” He had to know. Zayn was the dark hair boy. Harry had seen him in the halls, laughing and hanging out with a kind faced boy that sort of resembled a cross between a puppy and a wolf. He rarely saw Zayn with Louis, but he knew they were good friends. Zayn never spared Harry a look. Harry had found it odd. He would’ve been jealous as anything if Louis had dumped him for another stranger.


Louis didn’t answer. He had leveled his gaze with the window across from where they were sitting and the glare of the setting sun was directly in his eyes. Harry watched him watching the sun. He looked like the most heartbreakingly beautiful portrait any artist could ever paint. And yet Harry wanted answers. He was tired to walking in circles and he was done with Louis' ambiguity.


Harry sat up abruptly. Sending Louis’ book tumbling to the ground.


“You’re a coward, Louis. You can’t even tell your own parents that you’re gay. You’ve been dating a girl for so long, who after all this time still thinks you are straight as a stick. It’s not fair for her or for your family. Most of all, Louis, you’re not fair to yourself. Why can’t you just admit it and come out? Please, stop denying and torturing yourself. Goddamnit, Louis. I thought you were brave but it turns out you just can’t outrun the coward in you.”


Harry’s chest heaved and he felt breathless as if he had run thousands of miles.


“Have you quite finished?” Louis’ voice was like a loose piece of sharp ice from a frozen glacier, falling and piercing Harry clean through his heart.


“Yes.” He swallowed back his tears thickly. No, he was not going to cry. “Yes, I have quite finished.”


For a moment he thought Louis was going to punch him in the face, but no, it was quite the opposite. Two tiny powerful hands came to grip his face and Louis wasted no time in fitting their mouths together.


Louis kissed him and Harry could taste the frustration on his lips. Their tongues met before their lips crashed together. Harry tried to pour everything else he wanted to say into every kiss and every swipe of his tongue. Things like I think I am in love with you. Things like I never want to stop touching you. Things like I want to have your whole heart and not just a little piece of it.


Louis yanked up Harry’s shirt and he gasped as the cold air struck him. Louis’ burning tongue traced down his body.


Oh,” He gasped as Louis clamped down on his nipple and sucked hard. Then fingers were desperately trying to get his belt loose. All this time, Louis had not once stopped trailing kisses down his body.


“Harold, a little help here, damn it.” Harry snapped out of his trance and helped Louis with his belt buckle. Louis tossed the belt aside and Harry could think of nothing but the fact that he looked like a goddamn porn star doing that.


His mouth had gone bone dry, drier than the Sahara desert as Louis started mouthing at his harden bulge. With a tug Louis let him sprang free and for a second Louis just sat there, on his knees, looking up at Harry through his eyelashes and the pupils of his eyes were blow wide like a million galaxies combined into two glassy bright blue crystal balls.


“Lou…” Harry moaned. Louis took him into his mouth in one swallow. He didn’t even choke and Harry’s knees wobbled, sending him collapsing into the shelf behind him. He could feel the back of Louis’ throat and the boy wasn’t even choking. It felt as if Louis was trying to prove something to Harry. It only took several twirls of his tongue to make Harry loose it. The sight of his cock outlined against Louis’ cheek was enough as it was. Louis continued to lazily lick and kiss him before slowly straightening up. All the while, still pressing kisses into Harry’s body. On his neck, Louis sucked hard on his collarbone. Harry gasped and by this time, he was sure the shelf was going to break under all his weight. It was embarrassing. They had fucked before and for some reason, Harry couldn’t even last one blowjob. Louis’ lips were made to sin, Harry decided. And he was willing to die for it.


“This to remember me by.” Louis was saying, his hand pressing down hard on the blooming love bite that was slowly tinting purple and red. Harry hissed in pain and shuddered at how good it felt.


“No, wait, don’t go.” Harry jerked back into reality, still weak against the shelf as Louis began to gather his things. The tension in the air was back as Louis swung his backpack onto his shoulder. “Louis. Please.”


By this time, Louis was already walking towards the door.


“Stop running away!” Harry felt angry tears prickling his eyes.


Louis stopped dead in his tracks at the threshold of the library. He turned and Harry could see the sadness searing every crevice of his face. From the small wrinkles on his forehead, to the curve of his turned down lips. He looked like a tragedy in its plot's climax, like a man going to war and knowing that he will perish on the battlefield under a bloody red sun. He was the heartbreaker and yet it seemed as if he was equally broken and torn apart.


“Harry…” He seemed aggravated as he ran a hand through his hair. He was so beautiful. “Maybe you’re right. I am a coward. And I want to make it right. A coward like me doesn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you. Goodbye, Curly.”




Harry had once known colors. What the sky looked like when it was high summer, what the grass looked like in the early mornings before the city tainted it with its exhaust and corrupted it with its filth, what a rose looked like in its prime, what the sun looked like when it hid behind puffy clouds, what the world looked like when there was Louis in his life. Hell, he had his heart broken and trampled on by the most perfect and problematic boy. He couldn’t even tell a single soul. He had chosen to be secret. No one knew that he knew what it felt like to be with Louis. And it fucking hurts. To love someone in secret when you want the whole world to know.


Harry walked down the street and for some reason, every single person that he passed seemed to be a couple. Couples hugging, couples kissing, couples taking selfies, generally couples in love. They burned so bright in Harry’s world of black and white. Harry despised them. A couple was directly ahead and Harry turned his head to the side to stare intently at a shop’s spotless window. No, he didn’t want to see the smile on their lips and the love on their faces. The reflection of the couple was fleeting and Harry’s broken heart throbbed a little.


But wait. He whipped around and stared at the backs of the retreating couple. They were sharing an umbrella since it was drizzling lightly. He knew that long wispy brown hair, he knew those red gleaming nails. His eyes widened and mouth dropped in shock as the girl turned her head and laughed into the mouth of the unfamiliar boy beside her.


They looked like they’ve been together for the longest time. And the boy was laughing back and their hands were intertwined. Harry felt sick to the pit of his stomach.




It rained for the whole week.


Louis and Harry haven’t spoken since their “breakup”. However, whenever he dared to chance a look at the back of the class, he could see the purple bags under the sea of what was once a brilliant blue, now a dull sickly color filled with nothing but emptiness. He still laughed but anyone could tell it was empty. Lots of people and mainly Eleanor tried to comfort him and he waved them off, saying that it was just the flu and whatnot.


Harry couldn’t stand her holding Louis’ hands anymore. And since he had ceased to exist in Louis’ world, he turned to the only other person he could think of.



“Hey, um… Zayn? You have a minute?”


Zayn didn’t look at all surprised when Harry approached him one day. Instead, he took out a cigarette and jerked his head towards the soccer field where Harry knew most kids go when they need to smoke undetected.


“Can you please tell Louis that Eleanor is cheating on him?” Harry blurted as soon as Zayn blew out his first drag. The boy raised his eyebrows.


“He was right. You are blunt.” Zayn contemplated him for a moment. “I am not a messenger, Styles.”


“Please, tell him. He’s not speaking to me.”


“Or rather, you are not speaking to him.” Zayn retorted and Harry could see that he was going nowhere with this conversation.


“I just… He told me to stay away and that he was going to make things right. But, he hasn’t done anything!” His voice was high with accusation and Zayn gave him an almost pitying look.


“Patience is a virtue. Coming out is a big deal. Bravery takes a long time to summon and gather.” Zayn flicked the dying butt of the cigarette to the ground and took out another.


“Sit tight and wait, Styles. If you two were meant to be, then you were meant to be.” Zayn looked up at the falling rain. He didn’t even flinch when a flash of thunder struck the earth and shook the skies.


“He knows and cares more than you think he does.”




Two weeks later, Louis came out. Harry was sitting in Chemistry beside Niall, trying not to fall asleep as the teacher droned on. The news hadn't reached them yet. Niall was already snoring, but they both jerked awake as the classroom door was thrown violently open.


There stood Eleanor. Her cheeks was burning red and she was fuming.


“It was you, wasn’t it? I KNEW IT! YOU LITTLE SLUT!” All the girls in the classroom turned to look quizzically at each other, but Eleanor was heading straight for Harry’s table. She slapped him across the face. He toppled from his chair. Harry could feel the sharp nails digging into his flesh and the sting of pain as they left their mark. Jesus, this girl sure could hit. 


“OI!” Niall had jumped up and was holding Eleanor back from another go. By now, everyone had their cells out and was recording. The teacher was trying shouting for them to get back in their seats, but no one gave a flying fuck. They were too busy witnessing the biggest soap opera unfold in front of them.




“I was gay before I met Harry. I don’t think he is that much of a charmer and miracle worker to turn a straight man gay. But then again, who can resist those curls?”


All heads whipped to the door where Louis was standing. Harry thought he looked like some kind of god surveying the subordinate humans beneath him. Confidence made him seemed bigger and he swelled with pride as he said those words. There was a familiar glint back in his eyes and he was nothing close to the depressed, rumpled ball of sadness these past few weeks.


“What do you mean?!!!” Eleanor screeched, she had ceased her attempts at struggling to get at Harry and was slumped against Niall’s arms. Niall pushed her away, his nose wrinkled in disgust.


“Since I was in the third grade, I knew that I was gay. I came out to my parents just last night. They told me they knew also.” Louis said simply. And Harry heard the soft chuckle of Zayn behind him. Actually, the whole school was standing behind Louis by now.


“Good one, mate.” Niall cackled and Harry couldn’t help but smile weakly. NO, he wasn’t endeared.


“Don’t make yourself the victim, Louis Tomlinson! You fucking cheated on me with him.” Eleanor, surprisingly, had gained demeanor and it looked like she wasn’t going down without a fight.


“You were cheating long before I even started to fool around. I didn’t have the heart to stop you. You and Max seemed happy. And also because I needed you, I guess. To try and convince myself that I wasn’t any different from others. That I preferred girls not boys. In the end, my excuses had run out. Harry,” Louis addressed him for the first time since he had left him standing in the middle of an empty library with wet tear tracks down his face. “You were right, I was a coward. But now, I hope it’s not too late to fix everything.”


Eleanor fish mouthed as Louis crossed the room to stand in front of Harry. The whole school followed him with their eyes and cameras.


Harry couldn’t think straight what with a million cameras pointed at his face and the hope brimming in the crinkles of Louis’ sea blue eyes.


“Fuck you, Louis. Fuck you.” His voice broke on the last word. He could feel Niall shaking his head fondly beside him. Way to make the whole scene more dramatic than it already was. History was going to remember this.


“And I love you too, Curly.” From then on, it was easy. Easy to let Louis kiss him and kiss the lovely boy back. Easy to grip his thin waist and to feel strong thighs bracketing his sides. Easy to hear Louis sigh in relief and content into his mouth. Easy to forgive and love the only boy he had never stopped pining for.



The HD video of the fight and the kiss and Harry almost laying Louis on top of a lab table and fucking him in front of the whole school got a million views on YouTube.


No one was surprised that Harry and Louis became the power couple of the school.


Not once did anyone give Louis shit for coming out, except for his stepdad whom his mom had kicked to the curb as soon as he let loose a homophobic insult.


The Tomlinsons accepted Harry as if he was one of their own. He and Louis were very much in love and there was nothing anyone could do about it.



That summer, Louis got a tattoo in pretty cursives. It is what it is. He let Harry come all over it once it healed. They both stared down at it with hooded eyes as the last summer thunderstorm shook the bedroom windows.


“You made me realize this.” Louis said, tracing the words and Harry smiled at the softness of his voice.


“If we two are meant to be, then we are meant to be.” He kissed Louis, light as a feather and sweeter than spring air.


“Did you just quote Zayn at me?” Harry let out a tiny scream when Louis reached out lightning fast to twist his nipple.


He grabbed Louis’ hands before they can do any more damage and grinned down at the struggling boy. “Speaking of Zayn, you never told me about you and him. I am getting jealous over here.”


“Oh god, please Harold. You get jealous of everything. Once you told me, you were jealous of my goddamn jeans because they get to be around my thighs all day.”


“Answer the question, Lewis.” They wrestled around some more before Louis finally flopped down in defeat. Harry clambered over him to fit them together, chest to chest, forehead touching forehead.


“It was a one time thing. It just so happened Liam had gotten a new girlfriend and Zayn had been moping around all day. He wasn’t any fun when he was upset so I finally pitied him and told him to kiss me and pretend that I was Liam. We were having quite a swell time until a curly haired frog decided to get distracted and ruin the mood. Luckily he was cute or else I would have dissected him.”


Harry felt like a huge amount of weight had been lifted off his chest and he was higher than the clouds. “And were there others before me?” He asked, because he was a possessive bastard.


Louis snorted, “Duh, I had to make sure. But none of them came close to you. No one had an affair with me that lasted as long as you and I. Me and Zayn would've become a thing if you hadn’t come hopping along. But I would’ve had to shave my hair and become a body builder. Good thing Liam finally figured out his sexuality crisis and sorted his shit out.”


“You're one to talk! It took you almost a decade to sort out your sexuality. We could've had more time if you hadn't been in self denial." Louis reached out a hand to smooth out the frown perched on Harry's forehead.


"I'll make it up to you then. All that lost time."


"You better. And anyways, you’re too pretty to make yourself turn into Liam or become a body builder of any kind.” Louis smiled at this and shuffled closer to Harry.


“You’re so stupid.” He mumbled against Harry’s chest.


“But you love me.”


“Yes, Harold. Don’t need to remind me.”


Harry fell asleep to the sound of Louis’ soft snores and outside the rain had finally stopped.