John looked around the lab and then leaned against one of the tables. "Looks like a medical facility if you ask me. " he commented casually.
Rodney gave him an exasperated look. "I didn't ask you." he snipped. "Now if you don't mind, I'll just have a look around here and see if I can figure out what this stuff does." He walked over to a console and began inspecting it.
John jumped onto the table and swung his feet. "I still think you should call Beckett down to have a look."
"Why? So he can accidentally blow the console?" Rodney replied snottily. "You know Carson is scared shitless around Ancient technology he doesn't understand, which is, oh, all of it!"
John shrugged. "He might have an easier time with this stuff. This really does look like medical equipment."
Rodney heaved a big sigh and gave John a resigned look. "Fine. After we take a good look through we'll drag His Voodooness down here to take a peek at the scary Ancient things, okay?"
John smirked. "Cool." he replied, and laid back on the table at the same time Rodney's hand bumped a control and columns of green light engulfed both of them.
John blinked when the light disappeared. "What just happpened?"
"Um, green light just happened." Rodney replied nervously.
"I know that. Why did green light just happen?" John demanded, sweeping Rodney with an irritated glance.
"I think I may have, accidentally, mind you, bumped against a control. And by accidentally I mean not on purpose." Rodney said, wringing his hands nervously. "Oh god, we're going to die, aren't we?"
John thumped his head against the table. "Damn it, Rodney! No, we're not going to die." He sighed and then sat up. "We are, however, going to be poked and prodded within an inch of our lives to find out what's happened to us this time." John tapped his radio. "Beckett, this is Sheppard."
In his lab Carson sighed and tapped his radio. "What have the two of you gotten into now?" he asked resignedly.
An annoyed Carson looked at his two fuming patients he'd been stuck with for the past 24 hours. "Well, all the tests are back. I can't find anything unusual, so I'm letting you two go. But if you experience any unusual symptoms I want you back here as of yesterday, understand?"
"Finally!" John growled, grabbing a pair of pants and yanking them on.
"Oh, what are you whining about? You haven't lost a day's work for nothing! I'm behind on project reports, now." Rondey snarled at him as he pulled on his shirt.
"Gentlemen, I'm not letting you out of here until you assure me that you'll come back if you experience any symptoms of any sort." Carson snapped at the two as he tapped a stylus on his tablet.
"Fine, fine, we promise, Carson! Now let us the hell out of here!" Rodney replied as he hopped around while pulling on a shoe.
"Colonel?" Carson said dangerously, giving John a glare.
"What he said." John replied with a jerk of his head towards Rodney as he shrugged on his uniform jacket.
Radek burst into the infirmary, panting and out of breath. "Dr. Beckett? We need McKay now, please! The ZPM is building up a dangerous charge!"
"What? I'm out of work for one day, and you morons decide to blow us up?" Rodney exclaimed, arms flailing in a code that said 'I work with idiots'.
"Don't be stupid." Radek replied, semaphoring 'Fuck you' back with his own arm flailing. "This didn't start till we initialized the latest project you had okay'd!"
Carson sighed. "Get out of my infirmary, all of you." he said, and watched the Three Stooges scramble out the door.
Twenty Seven Days
Carson looked exhaustedly up from his tablet to see Rodney dragging John into the already overcrowded infirmary.
"I'm telling you, you have it too!" A masked Rodney argued with John as he shoved him onto the examining table.
"Aw, come on Rodney. It's not as bad as everyone else. I don't need to bother Beckett about it." John whined as he tried to get back off the table.
Carson came up to them and interrupted. "I'll be the judge of that Colonel." He looked at John with a professional eye. He looked tired, but not pale like the others laid out all over the infirmary.
John gave Rodney the stink eye. "I'm just a little nauseated and tired, doc. Nothing like everyone else has. Maybe it's just a mild case." He gave Carson his most persuasive grin.
Carson took John's vitals and looked in his throat. "Well, your temperature is normal and your throat isn't red or swollen. You say you're just a little nauseated?"
"Yeah, mostly in the morning. And when Rodney starts waving his nasty coffee under my nose. But I'm not nauseated enough to worship at the porcelain altar, if you know what I mean." John replied.
"My coffee isn't nasty! It's food of the gods in comparison to that, that tea you drink with Teyla!" Rodney shot back, folding his arms defensively.
"And you say you're tired?" Carson continued as he palpitated John's throat.
"Just a bit. I need a nap after lunch and exercise tires me out real quick." John replied as Carson finished his examination.
Well, son, if you got it, it's a much milder case than I've been seeing here." Carson said, writing a notation down on his tablet. "How about you just go back to your duties, but ease up on the exercise and take it easy until you feel well again? I need to save my anti-nausea meds for worse cases than yours. I'm running low as it is and I'm worried I'll run out before the Daedalus gets here with a re-supply."
John grinned as he hopped off the table. "Sure thing, doc. With the city shut down due this epidemic, I can't really go offworld anyway."
"Um, Carson?" Rodney said weakly as he pulled the mask off his face. "Do you have an, um, emesis basin I could, uh," he gulped convulsively, "borrow?"
Carson sighed, grabbed a basin and handed it to Rodney right before he doubled over and lost his lunch.
John looked at a pale and shaking Rodney, upchucking for all he was worth. He then looked at Carson. "How long does it take for this disease to run its course again, Carson?"
Carson sighed wearily. "Six to eight weeks according to the natives of PX5-679."
John winced. "I'll help you get him into a bed."
Eighty Three Days
Rodney slapped his breakfast down next to John and plopped into his chair. "You feeling any better this morning, Sheppard?" He said as he shoveled a forkful of eggs into his mouth.
John winced and leaned away from Rodney's tray. "Jeez, Rodney, what have I told you about your damn coffee? You want me to barf in your lap?"
Rodney rolled his eyes and switched the cup over to the side where Ronon was sitting. John gave him an evil look. "I can still smell it, Rodney."
Rodney sighed gustily and chugged down the coffee. "The nasty, icky coffee is gone now, Colonel. Better now?" he said as he turned the mug upside down in front of John.
John sighed and replied sarcastically. "Thanks, brainiac."
"You know, you really should be over this by now. I mean you came down with it before I did, and I've been better for a week already." Rodney said thoughtfully, then bit into his muffin.
John stirred his yogurt and GrapeNuts together. "Maybe it's lasting longer for me because I don't have it as bad as everyone else did."
Rodney peered at John's bowl. "I thought you hated yogurt."
John shrugged. "I've been craving it lately. Don't know why. Simpson told me about adding GrapeNuts so the texture isn't as nasty." He ate a big spoonful of the stuff.
"You know, it's weird. Unlike everybody else that came down with the plague, you seem to be gaining weight instead of losing it." Rodney commented as he stole his bacon back from Ronon's plate.
"I'm not fat, Rodney." John replied defensively, eating another large spoonful of his yogurt mixture.
"Who said anything about fat? You needed to gain some weight so your pants would quit sliding off your ass." Rodney smirked and bit into his bacon.
John rolled his eyes and he flipped Rodney the finger.
"When are we going to start traveling through the gate again?" Ronon rumbled as he polished off the last of his plate.
"Probably in the next couple of weeks or so, once the last of the folks that came down with the bug are up and running again." Rodney replied as he took another bite of his muffin.
Ninety Eight Days
Rodney and John sat together at the campfire while Teyla negotiated with the chieftain of the Wadalians, Ronon looming protectively behind her.
"Are you going to eat that?" Rodney asked as he made a grab for John's dessert from his MRE.
John evaded him and snapped, "Yes, damnit. I'm hungry, Rodney. Go get another MRE if you're so damn hungry."
Rodney sighed and pulled out another MRE. "What's with you? You're tired, you're cranky, you're hungry. Are you reverting back to your toddler years, or what?"
John shrugged and started on his desert. "I'm just tired all the time. That virus took a lot out of me."
Rodney picked at his food. "Don't you think you should talk to Beckett about that? I mean, you're still iffy around coffee and nobody had nausea as long as you did."
"I'll talk to him when we get our return physicals." John looked at his empty pudding container and then at Rodney's food. "You gonna eat that?"
Rodney sighed and handed John the container. "At least your appetite is back. If you keep eating like this though, you're going to lose that girlish figure of yours."
"Fuck you, Rodney." John said and started eating.
"You're welcome." Rodney replied sarcastically, and opened his pudding cup.
Teyla walked back to them with a smile on her face. "I believe we have a deal with the Wadalians, Colonel. The chieftain would like you both to join us so we can celebrate with a cup of machala. It has no citrus, Dr. McKay." she added hastily, as Rodney frowned.
"As long as it doesn't smell like coffee." John stood up and staggered a bit until Rodney stood up and caught him. "Whoa! Stood up a little too quick."
Rodney frowned at John. "Are you okay, Colonel?"
John disengaged himself from Rodney's support. "I'm fine, McKay. Just got a little dizzy there for a second."
"That's the fourth time you've done that on this trip." Rodney said accusingly as he readjusted his tac vest.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll tell Beckett when we get back. Stop worrying, Rodney." John said dismissively as he settled his holster back into place.
Teyla smiled at them in amusement. "If you are both ready then?"
John sniffed and then bounced on his toes. "Lead on to the machala, Teyla."
One Hundred Fourteen Days
"Alrighty then, everyone but the Colonel can leave. You're all fine." Carson said as he scribbled into his tablet.
"About time. I need go see what the monkeys have been up to in the lab." Rodney said as he trailed out after Teyla and Ronon.
John pouted and swung his feet where he sat on the examining table. "Why can't I leave?"
Carson gave a sympathetic smile. "Well, your test results seem to have been contaminated somehow. We'll need to take more samples and run them again."
John sighed and held out an arm.
3 hours later...
"I don't understand." Carson said, scratching his head. "I ran this batch myself."
John ate another bite of yogurt and Grapenuts.
Carson sighed and gave John as sheepish look. "Colonel, You've been very patient, but I need to run these again. I'm not sure what happened, but these results are making no sense at all."
John gave him an evil look, shoveled in another spoonful of the yogurt mix and wordlessly extended an arm.
Carson winced. "Sorry, Colonel."
Another 3 hours later...
Carson scowled at the test results. "I canna believe it. I got the same damned results again." He slapped the offending tablet down on a nearby table.
"Can I go now?" John whined. "I'm hungry again."
Carson turned his scowl towards John. "No, you can't leave. You're not leaving until I get to the bottom of why your test results are making no damn sense whatsoever."
"Well, doc, if they've been the same 3 times in a row, that's what your answer is." John pointed out logically as he poured himself a glass of water and took a drink.
Carson rolled his eyes. "Fine, then Colonel. Congratulations. You're pregnant." he replied sarcastically.
John swallowed wrong and started coughing. "What?!" he spluttered.
An hour and half later...
"Sweet mother of god. You are pregnant!" Carson said as he looked at the Ancient sensor again with wide disbelieving eyes .
"But, Carson, I'm a guy!" John whined as he lay on the table. "I can't get pregnant!"
Another hour later...
"Oh my god. Carson, I'm pregnant!" John moaned as he listened to the fetal heartbeat.
"About 3 and half months along, yes." Carson replied in awe as he stared at the ultrasound.
"Carson, I'm a guy. Guys don't get pregnant! You've got to do something!" John said with rising hysteria.
Carson looked at him. "Do you want me to peform an abortion, then?"
John's face went white and his hand went to his stomach. "Um..."
Two hours later...
John sat in a corner rubbing his stomach while Colonel Caldwell, Dr. Weir and Carson argued vociferously in Carson's office. Rodney wandered in holding his left hand in a patent bid for sympathy.
"Can an injured man get some help around here?" Rodney bellowed as he made his way over to an examining table. He caught sight of John in the corner. "Sheppard? What are you still doing here?"
John stared down at his stomach. "I wasn't sick with that virus that everybody else got."
Rodney sat down next John, injury forgotten. "Carson figure out what's wrong with you?"
John looked nervously up at Rodney and then shot his eyes to the side. "Um, yeah."
Rodney's eyes got wide. "Oh my god, you've got cancer."
John kicked Rodney's foot. "No, Rodney. I don't have cancer. Jeez."
"Ow! You don't need to kick me!" Rodney complained. "Irritable Bowel Syndrome?"
John rolled his eyes. "Rodneeey."
"Well, what then?" Rodney huffed as he crossed his arms. "Why have you been nauseated and tired for the last 3 months and dizzy when you stand up too fast for the last week?"
Caldwell, Weir and Carson burst out of the office, Caldwell looking pissed, Weir looking smug and triumphant and Carson looking concerned. Caldwell marched up and pointed a stern finger at John.
"Sheppard until the baby is born, you are not to put yourself in any, and I mean any combat situation, you got that?" Caldwell barked, looking like he'd swallowed a particularly noxious frog. "You are limited to your office duties as the head of the expedition's military forces and you are not, I repeat not going through the gate for any reason other than the evacuation of Atlantis."
"Oh my god, you're pregnant?!" Rodney gaped. "You've had morning sickness all this time?"
John's ears turned red as he slid down in his chair. "Yes, sir. Office duty, sir. I understand, sir. Can the pregnant man go get some dinner now, sir? I'm starved." He added sarcastically, "After all, I'm eating for two now."
One Hundred Seventeen Days
John looked up from the DNA report Carson had done on Junior and stared at Rodney. "You! You did this to me!" He snarled and lunged toward Rodney.
Rodney dropped his copy of the report and dodged behind Carson. "It was an accident! It was an accident! Carson, tell him it was an accident!" He screamed as he shoved Carson toward John.
Carson caught John in a firm grip. "Calm down, Colonel. Raising your blood pressure isn't good for the baby right now."
"He did this to me!" John shouted. "Carson, he made me pregnant!"
"Technically it was the lab that made you pregnant. It just used my DNA." Rodney corrected primly.
"Whatever!" John screamed. Carson patted him on the shoulder and made shushing noises.
"So, um, does that make me the daddy?" Rodney asked.
John lunged for Rodney again and Carson strained to haul him back. "Rodney, I think you should leave, now." Carson panted as he wrestled with John.
Rodney ran for the door as John screamed "I'm suing for child support!" after him.
One Hundred Twenty Days
Radek opened his book and riffled to the right page. "What weight, what day?"
Lorne cocked an eyebrow. "You're taking bets on the day? He's going to have a caesarian. Aren't those planned in advance?"
"Yes, but not this far in advance and the book will be closed before it is. What weight, what day?" Radek replied, taking the pen from behind his ear and holding it at the ready.
"Seven pounds even, March 14 or what passes for it around here." Lorne replied. "Can I bet on how long it will take before Sheppard tries to do something terrible to Ronon and Teyla for laughing their asses off at his predicament?"
Radek scratched his chin and said mildly, "You have already missed chance. Sheppard convinced city to dump fire retardent into their quarters three times this week."
"Serves me right for being offworld. I miss all the fun." Lorne sighed.
One Hundred Twenty Two Days
Teyla and Ronon huddled together in a corner of the commissary as Rodney bravely strode forth with a peace offering.
"I brought you strawberry yogurt with GrapeNuts." Rodney said as he slid the bowl over to John.
"I hate yogurt." John said and shoveled a spoonful of it into his mouth.
"Teyla and Ronon are very, very sorry they laughed." Rodney said solemnly. "Aren't you guys?" He yelled over his shoulder.
Teyla and Ronon nodded frantically.
John gave them the stink eye and continued to eat the yogurt.
Rodney sighed. "I didn't laugh at you, though, did I? No. I didn't. Come on, Sheppard, talk to me."
"You made me pregnant, Rodney." John said reproachfully.
"Yes, I did. And I apologize." Rodney said humbly. "I set up a college fund for Junior and sent money and a note to my sister Jeannie asking her to buy the baby things Junior will need in the last databurst, if that will help make it up to you any."
John perked up. "You did that for Junior?"
Rodney shifted awkardly and mumbled, "Well, Junior is my progeny too. I'm not going to neglect my child's needs."
John looked confused. "But you hate kids, Rodney."
"This is different." Rodney replied, looking embarrassed.
"Oh." John replied. "Okay." He gave Rodney a slow understanding smile. "Thanks for the yogurt, Rodney."
"You're welcome." Rodney replied softly.
"Want to catch a movie after dinner?" John asked hopefully.
Rodney smiled. "Sure, Colonel."
One Hundred Twenty Eight Days
General O'Neill dodged another airman loading a pallet bound for the Daedelus, and looked at General Landry. "Was that a baby swing I just saw being loaded?"
"Yes." Landry responded dryly. "Seems Dr. McKay accidentally made Colonel Sheppard pregnant using Ancient technology they found in a lab on Altantis. Our legal department is tearing their hair out trying to figure out how to they're going to write out that birth certificate."
O"Neill whistled. "I am so glad we shipped McKay to another galaxy."
"Well, he still managed to almost kill Carter when we received the news." Landry said as he signed off on another manifest headed for the Atlantis expedition. "I've never seen someone laugh until they passed out before. Dr. Lam says she pulled a couple of stomach muscles in the process."
O'Neill raises his eyebrows. "Guess I'll have to send a card."
"To Carter, or to Sheppard? We have one of each making the rounds of the SGC." Landry said as he picked up the next manifest to look through it.
"Are we running a baby pool for Sheppard?" O'Neill asked as he leaned against a wall.
Landry grinned. "You'd have to ask Walter."
"You needed me, sir?" Sargent Harriman said from behind Landry
Landry turned around and looked at Walter narrowly. "How do you do that, Walter?"
Sargent Harriman shrugged, then looked at O'Neill. "Hello, sir, good to see you again. Want to give me your bet for Sheppard's baby pool?" he said, pulling a book and pen out of his chest pocket.
One Hundred Forty Two Days
"John, are you okay?" Elizabeth asked when John made a sudden odd face as he sat next to her during the meeting.
John looked down and rubbed his expanding tummy. "I think the baby just moved."
"Really?" Rodney said excitedly from his other side. "Can I feel?"
"Oh, I'd like to feel too!" Elizabeth exclaimed as she reached for John's stomach.
"Hey! I had first dibs!" Rodney complained, slapping Elizabeth's hand away and laying a broad palm where John had been rubbing his stomach.
John rolled his eyes and heaved a disgusted sigh.
"Better get used to it, sir." Lorne said sympathetically. "If you break the arm of everyone that touches you, Carson will run out of casts before the Daedelus gets back and he'll withhold the good drugs in retaliation when it's time to stage the kid's jailbreak."
John moaned and slumped more in his chair, ignoring Rodney's pawing at his stomach. "I hate it when you're right, Lorne."
One Hundred Fifty Days
"Oh, look, General O'Neill sent a sympathy card." John said as he sorted through the pile of cards that the SGC had sent him. "Colonel Carter sent a sympathy card and a congratulations card."
"Funny. Very funny." Rodney griped. He waved a bunch of papers in John's direction. "Jeannie sent me a 10 page letter. Ten pages! She seems to think that I need a lot of advice on how to be a father."
John smirked as he opened another card. It was a congratulations card from Dr.Jackson this time. "Well, you do."
Rodney glared at John. "At least she sent me the baby name book I asked for."
John froze in place. "Baby names?"
"You plan on calling the baby Junior for the rest of his life?" asked Rodney, flipping the book open to a random page. "How about Hadrian?"
"Oh god." John moaned covering his face with a hand. "I was afraid of this."
One Hundred Seventy Three Days
Subject: Respect for personal rights
I remind all personnel that individual rights must be respected within the expedition. Colonel Sheppard's current condition does not entitle anyone to violate his personal space. I therefore strongly recommend that everyone refrain from touching the Colonel's stomach. Anyone in violation of this edict will face a disciplinary hearing as soon as they are released from the infirmary.
Subject: Keep your bloody hands to yourselves
Stop touching the Colonel. I'm running out of supplies to patch you all up.
Two Hundred Days
"Oh, god. Oohhh. Don't stop!" John moaned, laying loose-limbed on the bed.
"Jeez, your feet are swollen." complained Rodney as he continued to rub John's feet. "And they stink. Haven't you been washing your feet?"
"Rodney, I'm seven months pregnant!" John struggled up onto his elbows and glared at Rodney over his stomach. "I can't reach my feet!"
Rodney ducked his head. "Right, right. I'll just keep rubbing feet then, okay?" He dug his thumbs into the mid-sole of the foot currently in his lap.
John flopped back onto the bed. "Better. Don't stop." he sighed.
"So I was thinking that maybe we could name Junior Ulysseus..."
Two Hundred Thirty Seven Days
John sat fuming amidst an enormous gaggle of giggling women.
"It was nice of the women of the expedition to throw you this 'baby shower'." Teyla commented as she sat beside him. "We do not have such traditions among my people."
"Yeah. Nice." John responded flatly, clutching a baby blanket in white knuckled fists.
"However, I do not understand the reasoning behind all these...party games." Teyla continued.
John watched in horror as Elizabeth came towards him with a measuring tape. "Neither do I."
Two Hundred Sixty Eight Days
"Who ever said that pregnancy only lasted nine months was a dirty, rotten liar!" John grumped, as he hauled himself up onto the examining table.
"I'm sorry, Colonel." Carson said sympathetically.
"He jumps on my bladder twenty times a day." John whined.
"They do that." Carson replied as he performed the check-up.
"I waddle. The Marines are laughing behind my back every time I walk down a corridor."
Carson absently patted John's hand while looking into an Ancient computer screen.
"Rodney is still suggesting names!" John moaned.
Carson stilled the impulse to giggle with an iron will.
Two Hundred Eighty Days
"Alright kiddo. Fun's over. Today's the day you're being evicted." John said as he rubbed his immense stomach. "And not a moment too soon, if you ask me. You've been an absolutely terrible tenant. I'll probably have to repaint the apartment. You've kicked the walls enough to leave scuff marks everywhere."
Rodney bounced into the room, rubbing his hands together excitedly. "Today's the big day, John! Ready to go?"
John lumbered his way up out of the bed and waddled over to Rodney. "That would be an understatement." he drawled.
Rodney placed a protective hand at the small of John's back and started walking with him toward the infirmary. "I was wondering what you thought about Jean-Luc as a name..."
"Oh, for christ's sake, Rodney, no! The kid's name is going to be David and that's final!" John shouted at him.
Rodney's shoulder's slumped and he looked dejectedly down at his feet as they continued down the hallway.
John sighed and stopped. "But you can pick the middle name."
Rodney perked up. "I can?"
"Yes, you can." John replied.
"Um, would Xavier be okay, then?" Rodney asked shyly.
John smiled. "David Xavier sounds fine."
"Well," Rodney puffed proudly, "Let's get to the infirmary so we can meet him, then."
John patting Rodney on the shoulder and said fondly, "Sounds like a plan, Rodney."
Day One Part Deux
"I can't believe you!" Rodney hissed as he nursed his hangover. "It was an accident! An accident I tell you!"
"I believe you, Rodney." John said as a two year old David played horsey on his bony right knee.
"And yet last night you got me drunk, dragged me into that damn lab and knocked me up just to get revenge!" Rodney shouted, then winced and rubbed his forehead.
"Well, we won't know that for sure for a few weeks yet." John smirked.
Rodney rolled his eyes. "If only I could be so lucky as to have the weird Ancient pregnancy producing equipment not work on me, Sheppard."
"Well, I've always wanted a large family, Rodney." John said, gazing soulfully through his eyelashes.
"You....you....you!" spluttered Rodney.
John tilted his head to the side. "How about we name him Bob?"
"I hate you." Rodney moaned.