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The Unbootilicious

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Disclaimer:This is a non-profitable work of fiction and a parody. The names of Beyonce Knowles and Blue Ivy belong to themselves and I use them with total respect for the purpose of this tale which is totally fictional and non meant to offend anyone. The term bootilicious and all derivates from it belong to their authors. All the other references to pop culture and people who belong to it are made respectfully and with no profitable purposes.

Note: I wrote this after reading 8 issues of the (female) Thor comics.


When for some mysterious reason some-guy-who-always-interrupts-award-ceremonies-to-say-the-winner-should-give-his/her-award-to-Beyonce whispered something unintelligible in Beyonce Knowles's ear, she dropped her hot pants of bootiliciousness and they landed just where a very non famous blogger was standing at that moment; somewhere in the moon or maybe in her bedroom. The blogger knew Beyonce had lost her hot pants of bootiliciousness and she saw them there before her, so full of power.

"There must always be a Beyonce!" The blogger thought aloud. "Am I bootilicious enough to fill these hot pants?" She asked herself." I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!" She exclaimed but she put on the hot pants and miraculously she won the powers and the bootiliciousness of Beyonce.

Actually, the blogger had her own story, her own name, family, friends, love life, job and any other element that formed her background. But then, by the power of Beyonce's pants of bootiliciousness, she ditched her own name and took Beyonce's name.

She was the blogger no more, she turned into THE Beyonce. She wasn't Beyoncita, she wasn't Beyoncella, she was not She-She-Beyonce, she was not Lady-lady-Beyonce she was THE-Beyonce, no less, and she was bootilicious.

So the ALL-NEW-Beyonce started doing all that used to be the now unbootilicious former-Beyonce's job. She recorded ten new albums full of number one hits in two months. She educated former-Beyonce's kid, Blue Ivy, so well the little girl had to skip pre-school and elementary school going straight to highschool at age 3.

New-Beyonce also starred 27 movies and won 27 Oscars along with 17 Grammy Awards and The Nobel prize. All that in just a few months. New-Beyonce, or more exactly, THE-Beyonce's worth was 450, 000 000 000 dollars, way more than former-Beyonce's 450,000 000 dollars.

In her free time, THE-Beyonce found the cure for cancer, invented the vaccine for the common cold, stopped and reverted Global Warming and invented some new dance moves that made everybody forget about Michael Jackson's Moonwalk and any other famous dance moves whatsoever. While being way more awesome than former-Beyonce, THE-Beyonce kept her previous identity covered by a long mane of luscious blonde hair.

Former-Beyonce was furious, naturally, and she tried to recover her hot pants of bootiliciousness and defeat the usurper. Former-Beyonce confronted the supplanter. After they had an epic dance battle and former-Beyonce saw THE-Beyonce filling those pants and making the booty move in such ways it had never done for former-Beyonce, she fell to her knees and wept in shame. Of course THE-Beyonce saw her weeping and went to comfort her.

"There will never be anyone as bootilicious as you, Beyonce!" THE Beyonce said.

Former-Beyonce, who lost her shirt out of shame and now went around in leggings and a bra and some rags, lifted her hand to stop THE Beyonce when she was talking to her." No, no, I am unbootilicious now, you are THE Beyonce, or simply Beyonce. Call me Knowles, or The Unbootilicious, that would do." She said relinquinshing even the name given to her by her parents way before the hot pants of bootiliciousness ever appeared in her life.

The blogger would never have her own success, her own name would never be praised because now she was THE Beyonce, even if that destroyed her own identity and was unfair and damaged The Knowles's identity and History.

Most people fell under this delusion. The people in the blogger's life strangely accepted her change. Even more strangely, the people in Knowles's life just took the change in their stride. Even many fans didn't realize THE Beyonce wasn't actually the real thing. They embraced her blindly.

But some of Knowles's fans new better. They saw how bad this was for both the blogger and for the actual Beyonce Knowles. Even when 'the sinister powers that write' tried to trick everybody into buying the ALL-NEW-Beyonce's idea, these other fans saw the blogger's flat butt under the hot pants of bootiliciousness. They realized all the supposed achievements of THE Beyonce were tricks created by 'the sinister powers that write'. The blogger had less dancing skills than Taylor Swift and less singing voice than Cameron Díaz's character in My Best Friend's Wedding.

Not to say that the blogger didn't have her own merits and talents. She had a life and people who loved her but she was simply not Beyonce. When the fans who knew who the true Beyonce was confronted her, THE Beyonce called them names and said they were envious critics. But when her own identity started dying, she realised all this mess, usurping someone else's identity, was damaging her, the blogger herself.

She went to see Knowles and the former singer was indignantly still going around shirtless and in rags, calling herself Knowles, and only Knowles. Right then the blogger knew the fans were right. The only decent thing to do was giving back the hot pants of bootiliciousness and, more importantly, THE Beyonce name to their only rightful owner.

She took the hot pants of bootiliciousness off and put back on her baggy jeans of flat buttishness and recovered her own blogger name. She went to beautiful and terribly mistreated Beyonce, defying 'the sinister powers that write', and stood humbled and regretful before her.

" Hey, Beyonce. I know you have achieved so much in your many years as a singer, dancer and actress. I am simply not THE Beyonce. No hot pants make you Beyonce Knowles. These are powerful hot pants indeed but they don't make you who you are. Beyonce was YOUR name before these pants of bootiliciousness were even made." The blogger said.

Beyonce looked at her, still believing what 'the sinister powers that write' told her." No, no, I am unbootilicious now."

"I don't think I'm ready for this jelly, Beyonce. In fact, you are the only one who is ready for this jelly." The blogger insisted earnestly." Please, stop this nonesense. I'm back in my own dear baggy jeans with their own baggy powers. Put on your hot pants of bootiliciousness, your body is the only one bootilicious enough for them, baby. And put on a fabulous top over your super cute bra while you're at it." The blogger told the one and only Beyonce Knowles and the singer/dancer/actress nodded with tears in her pretty eyes.

Once Beyonce Knowles was back to her fabulous self and all her fans saw she was the only real deal, she gracefully dance-kicked the blogger all the way back to her room somewhere. It hurt a lot, mainly when the blogger sat, but the blogger was thankful she was back to herself and not taking anyone else's attributes and name anymore.

The end