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The mood in the Survey Corps dining room was boisterous, almost celebratory. It was the evening before they would return to Shiganshina. Tomorrow was the day that would decide everything. Either they would win gloriously or perish. So, the recruits drank and ate, for there might not be a tomorrow night.
Levi, on the other hand, did not feel like celebrating, because he already knew how it would end for him. He would lose what meant the most to him because Erwin had decided what was most important to him. Not them.
The worst thing was that Levi even understood. He knew Erwin's dream and its origin. He had recognised it even before Erwin did and still decided to follow him. Unconditionally. And Erwin deserved to enter that basement after all he had put himself through.
Still, it hurt to know that his plea had gone unrequited and that after that night his world would shatter. Erwin's dream would kill him, and he was willing to die for it, to send everything to hell.
How was he going to be able to fight tomorrow? How could he follow Erwin's orders and watch him go up in flames?
For once, Levi had no idea, and he also didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think at all.
So, Levi only saw one escape and that lay at the bottom of a bottle. He just wanted to forget and numb the pain. It was only temporary, but any moment without the feeling of his heart breaking into millions of pieces was a relief. The problem was that Levi could hold a lot of alcohol and had to drink accordingly to achieve this. Several bottles of emptied beer stood in front of him, and he still felt nothing. His heart was still bleeding.
And he had let it out on Eren and Jean, who had nothing to do with it but had annoyed him to the core.
Just as he was about to turn his back on the party, it seemed as if the air was split by a powerful presence. Even though the recruits were still celebrating, the noise was muffled, and Levi's entire perception focused on the source. The shadow of a tall body fell over Levi, obscuring the glow of the chandelier above his head.
“Levi, can we talk?” Erwin's warm but sad voice reached his ear. “I'd like to explain. I don't want the conversation to end on this note.”
Levi swallowed and his hand clenched so tightly onto the bottle that it could splinter any second. He didn’t know how to react. His heart, his entire being, longed to be with Erwin, to turn around and talk so that he would feel better on his final night, but on the other hand, he was so deeply hurt and disappointed.
What would it say about his self-worth if he put all his feelings aside because of Erwin?
The voices around him grew louder and Hanji slurred something in a corner, their voice overturning everyone else. Suddenly everything was too loud, too close, and his senses were overflooded, causing a feeling of suffocating. Out, he had to get out.
“Levi, please,” Erwin pleaded desperately when he noticed that Levi hadn’t turned around to him, or even reacted in any way.
“No,” Levi pressed out through his tightly clenched teeth. “There is nothing more to say. We both said what we had to, and you made your choice.”
The knuckles of his hand turned white, the bottle trembling violently.
“Not for us.” With that, he slammed the bottle with a loud clang onto the table and turned sharply around, leaving the room before he would decide otherwise. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t endure it. He just couldn’t.
Hanji called something out to him as they saw him leave, but Levi paid no attention to it. To be honest, he didn’t even notice it.
The cold night air hit him like sharp needles as he left the dining room and as soon as he left the noise of the party behind, everything came crashing down to him and tears burned like molten drops of lava in his eyes.
The street was empty, with not a single person in sight. Levi let out a little breath of relief. He didn’t know if he was able to face anyone. So, he hurried into a side alley and hid in the shadows of a house wall, something he knew by heart.
With a body feeling as heavy as lead, he slid down the rough brick stones and leaned against them.
A deep sigh escaped him while he pressed his palms against his eyes, desperately trying to keep his tears in check. It felt as if Levi was breaking apart at this moment, and he hated the feeling. He had been a fool, too. He should have known better, should have learned after Furlan’s and Isabel’s death, but his foolish heart couldn’t resist Erwin, and now…he would have to go through all of this again.
“You idiot,” he whispered into the silent night, and the first tears fell onto the pavement, leaving dark spots behind. “You damn, fucking moron.”
His insults went unheard. No one heard him, no one saw him. Levi was alone with all the feelings and the night seemed to swallow him, making him disappear into the darkness.
Levi didn’t know how long he sat like that, but the cold of night began to creep into his skin, inside his bones like icy worms. He shivered but was too stubborn to get back in to get his coat. Or maybe too afraid he would run back into Erwin again and that he would crumble. Levi had a strong mind, but even he had his limits.
Then, the hairs on his arms rose and he felt him approaching before there was any sound. Suddenly there was a shadow that settled over him as something landed on his shoulder. It was the brown; soft cardigan Erwin had been wearing earlier.
“You're catching a cold,” Erwin said caringly behind him, but he also sounded cautious, restrained, as if unsure whether he was allowed to come closer.
Levi's heart was racing and aching at the same time. The gesture meant a lot to him, and the reassuring aura inherent in Erwin seemed to quell the anger still bubbling inside him, but that only made him feel the grief more. The abyss that gaped within him now only seemed deeper without the lava, and the old instinct to push Erwin away roared inside of him, an old itch hard to ignore.
“Thanks,” Levi mumbled anyway, pulling the cardigan tighter around him. It was not the first time he had worn it. It was a kind of strange but comfortable ritual that had established itself between them. Whenever it was late or cold, Erwin had put the cardigan on him even if Levi wasn't cold. At first, the care had annoyed him, almost frightened him. He simply didn't know how to accept kindness, and yet it had been soothing, beautiful, as if someone had put a blanket around him. Now, too, Levi felt Erwin's comforting warmth penetrate him and it drove away the numbness of the cold.
The trusted sound of Erwin’s shoes on the cobblestone thundered through the night as he walked past him and sat down with a deep sigh, but Levi didn’t look up. Instead, he hugged his legs a little tighter against his body and rested his head against his knees.
“Levi, listen.” Erwin’s voice was oddly heavy. Levi didn’t react, stubbornly avoiding his gaze and it seemed to make Erwin uneasy. Nervously, the commander of the Survey Corps shifted on the pavement.
“I,” he began, but then paused, almost as if he didn’t know what to say. Then he sighed heavily again, ruffling through his pomaded hair and Levi almost physically felt the sad gaze he was throwing at him.
Levi knew that it was as hard for Erwin as it was for him. That he suffered just as much, maybe more, but the pain inside of him was too loud to ignore.
“I know I’m being selfish in my decision,” he continued, and his words sounded strained. As if he were struggling with every single one of them. The situation between them was tense, fragile. They both felt that, and Erwin didn't want to say anything wrong. “And I know I hurt you with it, but I can’t choose differently. I must see it with my own eyes.”
“Just so you can avenge your father?” Levi asked and Erwin frowned. “Just to prove that he was right?”
“Yes,” Erwin repeated the answer he had given a few hours ago with the same determination. Levi sighed. He had hoped for something else, although he didn't know why. Once Erwin had made a choice, he did not change it. He was strong-willed.
“And for that you’re willing to sacrifice us all? Even to destroy the future of mankind in the worst case. Is it worth all that?”
“Yes.” Still unwavering, still determined. Levi huffed so quietly against his knees, that Erwin likely didn’t hear it. That was his Erwin.
Still, to hear all this spoken hurt. To hear that Erwin was willing to throw away everything he had in the present to atone for something he had done in the past, even though nothing would change. His father would not be miraculously resurrected because he had been proven right, but that was more important than what he had here. What he had with Levi, and he felt like a fool for hoping for a different outcome when he should have known better.
“I see,” he whispered and hoped that Erwin didn’t hear the lump in his throat. The hand that held tightly onto the fabric of his trousers trembled.
“Levi…” There was a pause. Erwin likely hoped he would look up, but he refused. There was the sound of rustling clothes as Erwin leaned forward and gently rested his hand on Levi’s crossed arms. “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but this is something I need to do.”
Erwin’s face became a painful distorted grimace.
“I’d regret it all my life otherwise.”
“I know.” Saddened, Levi nodded and finally looked at him. Erwin's blue eyes seemed to glow in the darkness of the night, but there was a veil of tears over them that almost tore Levi's heart apart. “I'm not trying to change your mind. I trust your judgement. I always have and I always will, but I must find a way to live with it. You will die tomorrow, but I will have to live.”
He couldn’t keep the tears in anymore. They fell to the ground like hot pearls, while the thought of a future without the man who had turned his life upside down and who he loved most petrified him. His sun would burn out tomorrow and an endless night awaited Levi. It was odd, now that he thought of it. He had been born in the darkness. It had always been his unwanted companion. He knew it inside and out, but now that he knew the light, he had come to fear the darkness.
“Levi.” Erwin sounded shocked and shuffled forward at the sight of the tears. Hands, warm against the cold, came to rest on his cheeks, wiping the tears away.
“I want to fight for your dream, to give everything I can to make it come true, but it also means I’m going to have to bury my own and I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Losing those I love most.” A thin, dry laugh escaped his throat, almost seeming to tear it apart, while he shook his head and tears ran mercilessly down his cheeks in rivulets.
“I should have known better. This happens to everyone I let close. I’m a curse.” Levi didn’t like the way his voice trembled, how the tears left burning trails of lava on his cheeks. He hated feeling like this; so weak and vulnerable.
He really should have known better. After Furlan’s and Isabel’s death, he had promised himself to never let that happen again, but Erwin had been so enthralling and captivating that Levi hadn’t been able to resist. No matter how hard he had tried, and damn had he tried, Erwin had been too warm and bright to push away, melting away the protective wall of ice around Levi’s heart. Because if Levi was honest, he had longed to be close with someone again, and Erwin had given him a feeling of being understood and seen like he’d never had before.
But Levi felt like he wasn’t giving Erwin anything back. Sure, he was the strongest fighter and Erwin could rely on him, but there was nothing he did for Erwin, not the Commander. Nothing on the personal level.
“Levi, no.” Erwin had once again found his determined tone and it slid as sharp as a blade through Levi’s thoughts. Instantly everything in him stopped, disintegrated into a rain of ash. His head jerked up, finding blue eyes with a confident gaze. “You’re not a curse.”
Erwin slid even closer, wrapping his legs and arms tightly around him. Warmth radiated from him, gentle and reassuring and the moment Levi’s head came to rest against the broad chest, the world around him fell away.
“The reason we’re in this misery is because I can’t let go of the past and appreciate what I have in the present,” Erwin said while cupping the back of Levi’s head. “All of this is my fault and mine alone, not yours. You’re not to blame for any of this.”
“But…”
“No. I won’t let this thought get nested into your head.” Levi looked up at him stunned, his eyes so wide that the full moon above their heads reflected in them, making them shine like manifested starlight. Erwin’s heaven-blue eyes returned the gaze, confident and calm, unwavering. He believed what he said, there was no room for doubt or interpretation in his expression, but then it turned softer as he cupped his cheek. “You’re nothing else, but a blessing.”
Levi shook his head in denial. Even though Erwin said them with such strength and faith, he couldn’t believe them. The evidence told a different truth. He brought nothing but misery to those he let into his heart. His mother, Isabel, Furlan, Kenny and now, Erwin.
It almost felt as if no one wanted to stay with him. As if Levi wasn’t enough to keep them.
“I’m so sorry that my decision makes you feel that way again.” The words vibrated from the weight of his sadness and strangely, that made Levi wake up. Yes, he was still sad, and hurt, but Erwin didn’t deserve to spend his likely last night like this. He already carried too much guilt on his shoulders, weights of actions and outcomes that weren’t his fault and he truly didn’t deserve to get another one added.
If this was the last thing Levi would be able to do for Erwin, to grant him to rest in peace with a lighter mind, he would do that.
One last time, he would suppress his wishes for sake for Erwin.
He pulled away and slid back, so that he was able to see into Erwin’s eyes again and wiped the tears off his face.
“It’s not your fault. Like I said, I knew it would lead to this. I just had hoped it would be different…That maybe…”
“That our relationship, our love, would be enough to change my mind?” Erwin asked and Levi nodded. “It almost did.”
Erwin sighed, mindlessly plucking a few holms of grass from the joint between the cobblestones, but he didn’t look at Levi.
“When you confronted me today, all I wanted was to say: you’re right. I will stay. I longed for it, wished for it, but every time I tried to say it, I couldn’t. It was as if something inside was clinging onto them, holding them back. I just couldn’t.”
His gaze flickered back up, searching for any emotions inside Levi’s gaze, but Levi didn’t know which one he was hoping for. Forgiveness? Compassion? Understanding? What mask should Levi put on so that he felt better?
Whatever it was, Erwin didn’t seem to find it, because pain contorted his face and the hand holding the holms trembled, loose stones scratching his hand.
“I love you, Levi,” he suddenly confessed, but there wasn't the lightness or tenderness in his voice that he usually had, when he had whispered these words into Levi’s ears in early mornings, when the sky was still grey, so soft and fleeting that each time Levi wasn’t sure if he had imagined them, or if Erwin had truly said them. Now, they were heavy and grave, as if they were a stone falling from his mouth, shattering on the cobbles. As if they were his grave, and Levi’s stomach flinched. “I love you so much.”
Tears welled in his blue eyes, and he almost looked pleadingly at him. As if he almost hoped for some kind of salvation. As if feeling that way was a sin, just another guilt.
This time the words weren’t gentle or soothing, didn’t make Levi blush. This time, they felt like acid, corroding his heart.
He took in a sharp breath, opened his mouth to give a harsh reply as he felt the anger boiling inside of him again, but the pain in Erwin’s eyes choked that immediately.
“I know I said I made my decision, but I feel torn. On the one hand, I need to see the basement, need to atone for the sin I committed as a child, but on the other hand I want a life with you after all this, too. I want to be happy ever after and I don’t know what to listen to. I know I said I made my choice, but I guess I’m just trying to convince myself.” With a frustrated sound, Erwin buried his face in his hands. “Guess I’m just selfish to want it both. To know that I have your love no matter what.”
“Erwin…” These words made Levi’s heart crumble. They carried so much pain, so much fear and desperation. Erwin sat in front of him like a picture of perfect misery and Levi felt helpless. What could he say? What could he do?
Just then Levi realised it was the same position he had been in mere minutes ago. Had Erwin felt the same when he had looked at him? Had he desperately searched for the words that could mend a broken heart? That could wipe away this pained expression?
“You have it, Erwin,” he whispered and rested his hand on his arm, gently squeezing it. “That you can be sure of. No matter what you’re going to decide, I’ll love you and I’ll be by your side.”
He sat down next to Erwin and leaned his head against his arm, closing his eyes. He couldn’t remember how many times they had sat like that. How many times he had fallen asleep like this, with Erwin’s heavy head resting on his, their arms linked.
Levi caressed his arm, the strong muscles so tensed underneath the skin, hoping he could offer some kind of comfort and solace. He never was the most empathetic person, but he was quite perceiving about bad emotions that gather around your head like a dark cloud. And right now, it felt as if Erwin was realising what awaited him when a new dawn would paint the sky in all those beautiful colours.
Yes, Levi feared the moment when the human sun beside him would implode like the one in the sky would someday, but in this moment, there laid a heavy comfort of spared time, and Levi wished it would last forever. That for once he could cover himself in the cloak of darkness. He would wear it with pride, would endure the pain that came along with it, if that meant the sun would run another cycle. That another morning would come, and it would, the world would turn on, keep on going like every other day, but it wouldn’t be Levi’s world anymore.
He knew he couldn’t keep Erwin here. Deep within his heart, Erwin wanted to go, wanted to leave the darkness behind that tried to swallow him for so many years and it wouldn’t be fair to demand him to stay. The time had come for Erwin to put down the thorny crown that he was wearing, painting his golden hair in bloody red.
Sometimes, love wasn’t all you need. Many obstacles could come into the way, but Levi didn’t want to spend what time they had left with a grudge and didn't want to pollute what had felt so perfect and beautiful in any other minute.
“If death truly awaits us on the horizon,” Erwin whispered, turning his head to Levi. At one point they had laced their hands together. “Will you be alive with me tonight?”
His voice quivered and there was something glistening in his eyes. Levi needed a moment to grasp it, but then he understood. For once, Erwin’s heart was restless. He was afraid to be rejected. That even though Levi had confirmed his loyalty, he would still withdraw. That he wouldn’t be able to forgive, at least a small part of him deep inside his heart.
Levi huffed. Understanding Erwin was something Levi was perfect at, but himself…that was a completely different story. He had no idea what Erwin’s request contained and how he could fulfil it. How could he grant it?
“What do you want to do?” Levi asked, for once deciding not to brood over it. Erwin flinched beside him, as if that simple question had stung him like the lash of a whip. That was when Levi got it. “When was the last time you were able to do what you wanted?”
“I… can’t remember,” Erwin admitted, and he slumped down against the house wall. “At least not since I became Commander.”
“Hhmmm.” Levi huffed indifferently. It was something he had observed for quite a long time. Erwin’s mind was always with his subordinates, his concern belonged to them. Erwin the Commander had replaced Erwin the person. And likely, he wasn’t able to remember a time when he had even thought about what he wanted- beside the basement that is.
“Then you better find it out quickly before the night is over.”
For a short moment, Erwin widened his eyes, but then a small laugh escaped him.
“You’re right. Our time is limited.” Erwin stretched and his entire weight suddenly fell against Levi, relying on him like he always did.
“Somehow, knowing that is liberating,” he murmured into the black hair. He sounded calm, as if he was finally one with himself again.
“I will stay with you, Erwin,” Levi promised. “Until the very last moment.”
Erwin blinked at him, but then smiled again as he found peace in his words, and Levi returned it before he kissed him deeply. Yes, their time had been short, so much robbed from them, but Levi wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything in the world.