He's a star. I'm his boyfriend. And it hurts. But I love it... until...
"Basti, where are you going?" I asked in vain. But I didn't expect him to answer.
"I'm going to Sevilla with my co-stars in my next movie. We'll shoot much of the scenes there."
"Can I go with you?"
I have seen his eyebrows raised and said, "No! You don't need to go with me." I was about to say something but he stopped me. "When I say no. Don't."
I bow down and felt so much hurt inside. This is the tenth time the he refused me to go with him. I understand why. He and his manager doesn't want me to be known publicly. That's why we have had gone out for like five times in our seven-year relationship. And it hurts. But I need to resist this feeling because he would get mad if I pushed him to go outside with me.
"Sure. By the way, have to go." I said briefly.
I was almost exiting the door when he suddenly hugged me tightly.
"I'm sorry if I'm getting too mad right now."
I faced him and told him that it is alright. Then I exited the hotel doors and went out by myself.
I really hate myself when I am making it seemed to be alright. Whereas, in reality, I'm really hurting inside. Bastian was no different from other guys who only wanted the presence of their partners. And yes, I am definitely one of them.
Sometimes I am asking myself why it has to be Bastian? Why did I pursue him in the first place? Oh yeah. He's my first love. So I felt entitled to win his love. But when I was able to do so, he became a sensation because of his performance on his first indie film "Mein Kampft". Then movie offers have overflowed for him and he rised to fame.
Everybody knows that he's a straight guy. I am the only one who knows about his sexuality. And that hurts me too. Why does he need to swerve those questions about his gender or so? Why does he need to refuse to do gay roles, when in fact he is also gay? There are questions in my mind that I knew the answers. I just deny what is true. He hovers his true self to the public.
My phone vibrated and it was Olivier who called. He also don't know my relationship with Bastian.
"Hello, Lukas. Where are you?"
"Having some "loner" time."
"C'mon! Come here, to my flat. Just want to try this tequila. Wanna have shots with you." He yelled over his phone.
"Sure! I'll be there in a jiffy." I happily said.
I rushed myself. While walking on the streets, the cold wind thrusts in between my wrists, needing someone to hold. I just imagined Bastian is here, walking with me while holding my cold hands and my cold heart.
I humorlessly imagined what it would be like if Bastian Schweinsteiger wasn't underneath the limelight. That he enjoys my company all the time.
When I got to Olivier's flat, he surprised me by taking off his shirt and there's a written short message on his chest. "Bonjour Lukas." That was the message written on his embellished tan skinned chest.
"What's this?" I pointed on his chest.
"Nothing. I just want to surprise you." Then he snickered.
We sitted together on the couch. He opened the bottle of tequila and we started drinking it. Then sipped some lemons and limes.
"Anyway, Lukas, why are you sad? I think there's something wrong with you."
"This is nothing. You know, missing somebody."
"Who's that? Basti?"
"No. Not him."
"I don't know. Just wanna drink tonight."
Then he gave me some shots of tequila. My eyes are whirling and my body turned to be so weak and I eavesdropped on Olivier while talking to her girlfriend on his phone.
He offed his phone and told me that his girlfriend just broke up with him. And he sat beside me.
I humped on him and he was also weak to move more.
"Wanna have some fun tonight?" He asked.
"Yeah." I languishly said.
He pulled out of the couch and lay me down on the bed, kissed me and fucked me for all I want.
The next morning, I woke up beside Olivier. He's still sleeping and I decided to look for something. Anyway, I'm also clueless. Until I saw a notebook. An old one. I read it.
"I love Lukas more than myself. But I chose not to tell him because he might stay away from me."
I cried when I read that. Before I fell in love with Bastian, I fell for Olivier. But it was lost in translation when he transferred to study in France.
I looked at him and he was still sleeping. I placed back his notebook on his table and get myself fixed to go home.
I left a letter to him. And then I left him while sleeping.
I exited the building and looked around. Bastian's billboard with Ana Ivanovic caught my attention, imagining I was the one he's kissing on that picture. But hell, he seems to be enjoying himself right now. I felt so cold ever since, and shivers till now.
What am I so in love with him? He even have a relationship with that woman. We are only seeing each other once in a blue moon. Sex is something that he mostly avoids to happen with me. Yeah. Sometimes we have sex, only when he's in the mood to do so. But when I am in the mood, he snobs it and leave me alone in the hotel room.
My birthday is coming. But I would celebrate it alone because it is the day of his film showing. Olivier also has his commitments on that day with his girlfriend.
My birthday has come and I didn't receive any messages from Bastian. Olivier called me twice just to say "Happy Birthday, Lukas."
This is how cruel this world is to me. I can see that Bastian looses his vigor whenever he's with me. I guess this is the time to cut everything we have.
I called him.
"Hi Lukas. Don't call me now. I'm preparing for the premiere tonight."
"I know. But I want to tell you that I am breaking up with you."
"What? Are you out of your mind?"
"I guess it's you." I told him.
"Don't fuck this up."
"Oh come on! You forgot that it's my birthday today."
"Thanks, but no thanks. We're done."
I offed my phone and cried so heavy. I binged all of the alcohols I am seeing right now.
"I don't want to feel this anymore." I cried out loud and threw the bottle of beers in the wall.
Until I woke in the morning, the news came out on the TV as I opened it. My eyes widened as I saw the scroll below. "Actor Bastian Schweinsteiger came out as gay and has plans to sooner quit show business". At first, I didn't believe 'til I saw a clip of his interview and everybody in the studio roared in happiness because of what he did.
"Miss Kamp, let me tell something to the audience."
"Sure you can."
"I've been hiding this in my entire career. My sexuality. Yes, I am in love with a guy or dude or whatever. And we are together for almost 7 years now. And my relationship with Ana was not true. Our managers made it up for our pairing in our last two movies."
He paused and seemed like the host also wanted to shut him up. I cried in vain because of what I learned.
"All this time, I realized that this is not the life I've chosen for myself. I hate concealing everything, even hiding my former boyfriend from the public eye. It was hard because I don't want people to say something bad to us. And lastly, if he is watching, I wanna tell him how much I love him. So after my last project, I'll quit." And he burst in tears then walked out the studio.
I decided to get packed and go back to Poland, to my hometown. I just want to clear everything from the past. I don't want to go back to Bastian anymore. Even though, I'm missing him. I'm still looking forward to see the future all by myself.
It's been three months since that incident happened. I can finally say that I am a half way towards moving on. Though, it still hurts. I need to go on with my life.
I've decided to manage the farm of my father with my cousin Per. He's glad that I finally wanted to help him to manage the farm.
"Lukas, how are the cows?" Per asked.
"They're at the barns already."
"By the way, someone had sent a letter for you." Then he handed the letter to me.
I saw the handwriting. It's Bastian's. How did he even know my address? I never gave my home address to him. But that's not the thing anymore. I read his letter.
"Dear Lukas, Good day to you, Mein Liebe. I hope that you are enjoying everything. Well, I just want you to know that I've quitted show business and decided to go to Poland and stay with you. But I know it would be hard because I know how hard it is to get your fragile heart. And I am willing to give my all to win your heart again. Anyway, as you read this letter, I am on my way to Gliwice, your hometown. And I want you to know how sorry I am to lose you. I still love you. Your Hase, Bastian."
I crumpled the letter and put it into trash. Per called me because someone was there, looking for me. Until I found out, it was Olivier.
He gets nearer and hugged me.
"My friend, it's been months. Why didn't you come to Berlin?"
"I hate the stressful life there. And I'm forgetting somebody."
"Who was it? I was wondering who's that guy."
"You got to be kidding me!"
"Yeah. We had a relationship. I was the one he's referring to on TV months ago."
"It's alright. Anyway, I'm glad that we're already done."
"Well, everything will be fine."
He hugged me and kissed my cheeks.
"You know what, Lukas?"
"I'm not used to see you so sad. Well, you're a trickster, I guess."
"No, I'm not. I just played it well. So that no one would know. I hid it for almost 7 years. And it hurts me, still. I mean, how can you forget those years in a moment?"
"I'm here. I can help you."
After a few days of Olivier's stay, he went back to Berlin immediately. He left me with his necklace. I know how important it is to him. But he gave it away to me.
"You know, you're really gay when you're smiling. But it is the truest smile I have seen in my life." Per said to me while piling some hays.
"And I'm giving you a chance to date somebody tonight."
"I ain't got much time for that."
"I'm sorry but I need to focus on the farm."
"If it's your choice, then I'll bring him here."
"Even if you bring him here, it wouldn't change anything."
Until he comes out of the barn and got back with... someone. It's Bastian.
"So I'm with a friend. He told me he was your lover. I didn't know that you have got a stellar and a big thing, huh, Lukas?" Per teased.
I ran out of the barn and rushed myself to go to the woods and cried for so out loud. And it hurts. Until I fell off. It's much painful.
"I'm moving on. But why is that... it always happens?" I cried.
"I don't have much clues in life." I cried again.
I chose to stay on the woods till afternoon. The sky was filled with clouds and the birds are flying while other arw taking flights. I want to take my plights into flights. I just want to set myself free from this feeling of hurt.
Per was still working. And he was working with... Basti. I just snobbed him. I don't want to see his face. It's simply reminding me of my mistakes of having had a relationship with him.
"Lukas, where have you been?"
"In the woods." I groaned when I saw Bastian smiling at me.
"By the way, Lukas, we'll outside later. My treat." Bastian told me.
"I wouldn't be probably hungry on that time."
"Then, I would wait till yah get hungry." He jokingly said.
"Shut up! Why did you go here, anyway? To win my heart for goddamn sake? Like if you won my love, you'll go back to show business and do what you did to me, huh?" I shouted to him.
He was silenced by what I've said. He definitely felt the pain I have inside. The pain and hurt that I have been hiding from him.
"Bastian, don't do such things just to get on your way. You're like fucking yourself and claiming it to be erotic. And you know that. You can go out now and find another lover. We're done."
"Is that it, huh?" He voiced out.
"You made me fall for you. I was expecting that you will love me back. But you didn't." I voiced out.
"I am so sorry."
"No, you don't. Because you know what, I felt like a stripper all the time I am around you. I was like a guy you got from a bathhouse and wanted me to fuck you everytime you need me."
He embraced me, but I pushed him.
"Please, don't do this to me, Poldi. I need you in life."
"You didn't actually need me. So it's better to end this relationship. After all, it wasn't really a relationship."
"Don't do this, please?"
"Yes, it is. My decisions won't change. We're done."
He immediately left and I cried... because I am finally free from him.
The hurt inside me suddenly lost. I am finally ready to have a new life with our farm, my family, and my friends.
After two years, I heard from the news that Bastian got back on acting. I know it would happen eventually. But now, the reception of the people are different.
And I watched his interview, he said, "Poldi, wherever you are, I still love you."
I just smiled because I found my love with Olivier.
"Do you still love him?" He jealously asked.
"No, I don't anymore."
He hugged me and kissed my lips. I never felt this love, but only on him.
"Ich libi dich."