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Love me, love me not - PLEASE USE AS INSPIRATION!!!

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He says he loves me. Every day without fail and always punctuated with a nickname that makes the venom that rolls off his tongue so sickeningly sweet.
But the reality is that in a room full of people, he wouldn't choose me. Maybe cast me a glance or flirtatious wink, but I'll only ever be a second thought.

We've had this conversation before. A very heated, loud conversation that ended in tears, hoarse voices, pleas, I'm sorrys and closed doors. Followed by a string of missed calls, unread texts and guilt.

I thought after the pain we went through, months of torturous trust-earning and roadblocks, it would be different. How could I have been so blind.

He claimed he would change years ago, that he would stop smoking and for a while he did! But I've been finding cigarette butts shoved into corners and the overpowering smell of deodorant that he only used to cover up the worst of scents. Maybe he didn't know that I knew. Maybe it was a one time thing and the scent just lingered. Maybe I'm making it all up and planting inaccurate details in my head to have a reason to be mad.

In a room full of people, he wouldn't choose me. Does that mean he loves me or loves me not? I played the game with a dozen roses he got for me from our latest outing. He invited one of his friends again. He said it was a surprise and he didn't want to spoil it. I got so excited, I styled my hair just the way he likes it and I wore his favourite outfit. I loved the way his face used to melt and how his smile went all wobbly/relaxed when I put it on. It all went to waste when I saw his friend's car in the lot, parked next to ours. It was hard to miss with the bright colour and customised everything. My heart sank to the bottom of my chest and my hand fell loose of his to let him greet his friend.

His smile has changed, the one he used to look at me with changed. He looks at me with the same smile as his friends. His face didn't melt as much when he saw my clothes and hair. I could tell when his mind became consumed in any person he has a conversation with. The spot in his head that was once reserved for me suddenly shared with the platonic love of everyone else.

Forfeiting to the unbearable thought he might not love me as much, I resorted to the trusty games we all used to play with flower petals and a crush. Muttering the childish chant under my breath he loves me one petal gone, he loves me not, another. It's my last resort. Everyone tells me that if I'm not happy, I should leave instead of hurting but I am happy. The happiest I've ever been. Never would I dreamed of having such a successful relationship! It hurts but

I'm happy

He loves me

I'm happy

He loves me not

I am happy

He loves me

I can be happy

He loves me not

Someday I'll be happy

He loves me

I was happy

A single petal still connected to the last rose. From the bouquet that was gifted out of love- maybe not love, but at least care.
The petal drops as a small breeze blows through the air. My fate has decided for me.
He loves me not.

It will be brutal but it's worth it. Especially since he values his friends so much. I've met them before, such wonderful people that love each other dearly.
It's just a matter of when.
Timing has never been my strong suit but I need to do it soon, I'm being slowly suffocated by his platonic love and I can't bare to know what would be left if I stay.