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Letting Go

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It was easier before... Before all of it. I was just a little hobbit, happy to eat mushrooms and be with my friends. It was so much easier... You were my faithful servant and I your boring master. We were friends nothing more, and definitely nothing less.

I loved you like the brother I never had. But now I love you that way! It is wrong! It is so very wrong; but how could I not love you? How could anyone not love you?

No! I am wrong. I really try not to love you in that way but I can't change it. I can't. I am not sure that I don't want to love you anymore. I am tired; so very tired of denying my feelings for you. But you will never know of them. I will never tell you.

For Valar's sake you are a male! It is against nature. It is wrong. It is disgusting. But I want it like I have never wanted anything before in my life. Perhaps only the Ring...

But I had to let go of it... Like I will let go of you. But still the desire; the burning is there. A hole in my soul aching to be filled. Filled with the Ring, filled with you. No! It can never happen! Any of it! The Ring has been destroyed. My entire being is still screaming for it. But I let it go. Like I have to let go of you. It didn't belong to me, just like you don't belong to me.

I am a disgusting creature. Savior of the world indeed! A pervert. Maybe the Ring did this to me? Filled me with desire to hold you, to love you, to own you and be owned in return by you. It would definitely be easier to blame the Ring. But how could I? How could something so pure and sweet be wrong and evil? Ahh, but weren't the Ring's whispers so sweet and seducing too?! Hmm... the tender promise of power and then crushing everything on my palm.

No, it is nothing like the Ring. I refuse to believe it. It is my own abnormal nature. Disgusting really. I am wrong and broken and so very, very tired of it all. I am a sick person. I know it but still I can't stop it. I love you Sam. With my whole heart and soul. With all that is left of me after the Ring. I am wrong to desire my own sex, but still I love you. My dear, innocent gardener, I love you so much it hurts, but I will let you go. I have to.

It is so easy to love you, my friend. You are kind, protective and fiercely loyal. During the quest, my needs came always before your own. My well-being and comfort were your priority above all else. You, Sam, were a shining star in the dark despair that called for my life. I still remember how you held me in Mordor. How you lips brushed my head tenderly. How your body gave me warmth when my own body was so cold. How you were just there.

So I will let go of you. You have found the love of your life - Rosie. A good woman. She will be the mother of your children, give you things that I never could give you. A family, a soul that is whole, not broken and corrupted by the Ring. And she is of the right sex. A female. Not a male like I am.

I am disgusting. I am leaving these shores to Valinor. Now standing by the shore, on the port looking over the sea, smelling it, I try to hope. I hope that I will become better in Valinor. That I will heal and forget these feelings that I have. That I will find the peace I wished for.

You are standing beside me now. Saying goodbye to me. Hugging me. There are tears in your eyes. I am quiet as I look at you. Oh Valar, how I love you! It hurts; it hurts so much not to tell. But I will not. You have Rosie now. Who you love with all your heart. I look into your eyes and you ask:"Mr Frodo, are you all right?"

I only nod. No, I am not all right. I am leaving Middle-Earth. Leaving, never to see you again. And I love you. I want to scream it to you. My tired soul demands it. But I stay quiet.

"Do you want to tell me something?" you ask again.

I shake my head. Again my thoughts scream "Yes!" I want to tell that I am in love with you. That you are the other half of my soul although I am not yours. That it hurts to leave. Again, I stay quiet. My lips are sealed. I smile sadly, hug you last time and go to the ship where others are waiting for me.

We are sailing now. You are a little spot on the shore. I see that Merry and Pippin have joined you. The three of you stand there and wave to me. I wave back. Tears are falling down my cheeks. I let go of you. It hurt, but I still did it.

I am sobbing now.

I feel empty.

Another hole in my soul... One from the Ring, another from you. I let go of both of you. Though I loved and wanted both of you like I have never wanted anything else in my life, there is nothing left of me anymore. I am tired. Perhaps I will find my peace now in Valinor? But I really doubt it. One cannot find peace for their tired soul when there is nothing left of it.