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The End of a (Not-as-Long) Awaiting

Summary:

Despite her six-year-old looking and acting somewhat like a stern-faced old man, Dean was just a child and did need to run and play occasionally. Alin took him to a park, not one nearby their house but his favorite nonetheless, several times a month so that he could do just that. This day, however, he met a new friend.

AU where Dean is raised by his parents, rather than his grandmother, and thus meets Pharm at a much earlier age. This changes some, but not all, things.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

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Despite her six-year-old looking and acting somewhat like a stern-faced old man, Dean was just a child and did need to run and play occasionally. Alin took him to a park, not one nearby their house but his favorite nonetheless, several times a month so that he could do just that. He rarely played with other children, only joining their games if asked, but did so without complaint. Mostly, he stayed to himself. He liked the swings. He liked climbing trees. He liked swimming best—the public park didn’t have that option, which is why park outings were much rarer than swimming lessons for him.

Today, Alin patted his head and said, “stay close, please. Mama’s going to sit right here and watch.”

“Are you okay?” Dean asked, worry clouding his tiny face. Alin brushed a hand across his forehead, smoothing away the worry lines she found there.

“I’m okay, I promise. Del had nightmares last night so neither of us got a lot of sleep.”

“Next time, let me take care of her. I’m her big brother.”

Alin laughed. “Good boy, but that’s a mother’s job.”

“I can take care of her,” Dean said stubbornly.

“I know,” she said. “Now go play.”

Dean took her suggestion like an order. He squeezed her hand once more, then dropped it and took off towards the swings. Alin settled back on the bench with a sigh. It had been a long night and an hour of sitting still, watching over her quietest, easiest child was just what she needed. She kept her eyes on Dean as he went from the slides to the swings to the sandbox and back to the swings, but let her mind wander. Del and Don were out on a playdate with some kids from their school. Dean could have joined them, but said he wanted to go to the park alone. She wasn’t even sure if he had any friends at school. There were children he got along with, kids he liked to see at swim class. But no one invited him to birthday parties or play dates, and he didn’t ask for anyone to come visit, either. She’d tried to ask him a few times, over the years, if he was being bullied by the other kids. He’d frown, like he didn’t understand what she meant. Eventually, Alin changed the question.

“Do you have friends? Anyone you like to play with?” Alin would ask him. Dean would shrug.

“I have a friend. I just haven’t met him yet.”

“What do you mean?”

Dean’s face, normally so serious, softened into a smile. “My best friend. I don’t know where he is.”

Oh, Alin thought. Dean has an imaginary friend.

“Tell me about him,” she said. Dean nodded vigorously, took a deep breath, and began talking, much more animated than he usually was.

“He’s soft and small. His hair smells good. I know he’s my best friend because I want to spend all my time with him. Sometimes he cries a lot in my dreams, and that makes me cry, too. He’s not supposed to cry. I don’t want him to. I want him to be happy. I’m going to make sure he’s always happy. Nothing can hurt him again.” Here, Dean’s voice turned sad, a far cry from the excited prattle of a second ago. “I will keep him safe. I will.”

Then, Dean didn’t want to talk about it anymore. After that day, Alin kept a closer eye on him. Imagination could be powerful, but there was something in Dean’s words that rang of truth. She began carefully questioning him about his classmates, wondering if someone was in danger or being abused, and that’s what he wanted to protect this mystery child from.

A sudden noise snapped Alin back to the present—maybe a child’s shout or laugh. Right. Watching her son. That’s what she was doing. She scanned the playground and found him right away. He was on the swings, but sitting perfectly still. His toes dug into the ground, keeping the swing in place, and he stared intently across the playground. She followed his gaze to the sandbox, where a young boy was playing with a plastic shovel. He looked younger than Dean, maybe three or four years old. He had shaggy brown hair, pudgy cheeks, a soft blue bucket hat on, and seemed to be babbling to himself as he played. Dean stared at the little boy with narrowed eyes, like he was trying to solve a puzzle. His mouth formed a word—Alin was too far away to hear what it was—and even though the other child was too far to hear, too, he dropped the shovel and turned to face Dean.

Slowly, Dean stood up. The kid in the sandbox did, too. The other child looked scared, almost, frozen in place. Dean took three more steps towards him, slowly. The other child’s face screwed up and big, fat tears started rolling down his cheeks. Alin stood hurriedly, ready to tell Dean off for scaring this child—she should talk to him about smiling when he saw new people. His serious little face could be jarring to see if you weren’t expecting it— but the other child starting running towards Dean at full speed. He crashed into Dean, arms wrapping around him tightly, shoving his face into Dean's stomach. Alin stopped short. Dean hugged the boy back, fiercely. Tears rolled down his cheeks as well. Cautiously, Alin approached, not wanting to interrupt whatever this moment was. Dean pet the little boy’s hair—his hat had been a victim of the sudden run, and lay in the sandbox with his abandoned toys—and placed a gentle kiss there. The boy rubbed his tear-stained face against Dean’s shirt.

“Hi,” he said in a gasping, gulping voice.

“Hi,” Dean whispered back. “I found you.”

“Don’t leave,” the boy said—begged, really. There was a kind of anguish in his voice that made Alin’s heart ache. It certainly wasn’t a tone she expected to hear from a child.

“I won’t,” Dean promised. Again and again, he whispered, “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t. You’re safe. You’re okay. I’m here.”

Alin decided it was probably time to intervene.

“Dean,” she said gently, placing a hand on his head. He jolted in surprise. She smiled at him, calming and reassuring. “Did you find a new friend?”

Dean’s answering smile was huge and bright. The other child didn’t let go, but he turned his face to look at Alin, tear-streaked and snotty, but happy. Dean rubbed the younger child’s back protectively, like he sometimes did with Del or Don when they were upset.

“Yes! I found him and he’s mine,” he said.

Alin stifled a laugh. “He’s your friend?” she clarified.

“He’s mine,” he said emphatically. The other kid nodded along happily.

“What’s your name?” Alin asked, kneeling down to be closer to the pair of children.

“Pharm,” the boy answered quietly, seemingly shy now that Alin’s attention was on him.

“Pharm,” Dean repeated, almost reverently. “Nong Pharm.”

“Hello, Nong Pharm,” Alin said. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Dean’s mother. You can call me Auntie.”

Pharm looked at her, and some mess of emotions crossed his face. He looked shocked, sad, confused.

“Auntie Alin,” he said after a pause. Then, to himself, “that’s not right.”

Alin blinked. She hadn’t—she hadn’t mentioned her name, she was almost sure of it. She shook it off, standing up and placing a hand on Dean’s head.

“Nong Pharm, where are your parents?” she asked.

Pharm pointed across the playground, where two adults were in conversation on a bench. Alin took Dean’s hand—and Dean took Pharm’s—and they walked together to the pair.

“Hello,” Alin said when they were close enough to the man and woman. Pharm darted over to the two adults, dragging Dean along with him. Dean shook his hand out of Alin’s so he could be pulled along by Pharm instead.

“Mommy, Daddy—this is P’Dean!” he said excitedly. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Alin choked on whatever she had been about to say. Dean smiled, bright as the sun. Pharm’s father coughed out a laugh and his mother smothered her giggle with a hand over her mouth. Pharm frowned at the adults’ reactions and turned to Dean. “You’re my boyfriend. Right?”

“Yes. I love Nong Pharm,” Dean said firmly. He pressed his nose to Pharm’s cheek and sniffed hard, making Pharm wiggle excitedly.

“I’m Alin,” Alin said hurriedly. “I’m sorry for my son.”

“It’s fine,” the woman said, still trying to hold back a laugh. “It looks like Pharm doesn’t mind, either.”

Dean, who had finally looked away from Pharm, was studying Pharm’s father with a particular expression on his face. He soon snapped out of it, though, when Pharm wrapped his arms around Dean and sniff-kissed him on the neck, the highest place he could reach on the older boy, even on his tip-toes.

“Can we go play?” he asked. Dean looked to Alin, who exchanged a questioning look with Pharm’s parents. They both gave silent why-not shrugs, so she nodded.

“Be careful, okay? Nong Pharm is littler than you so he can’t do everything you can.”

“Like Del and Don, I know,” Dean said, sounding more like the exasperated six-going-on-sixteen kid he usually was. Then, in a softer tone, he said, “I will never ever hurt Nong Pharm.”

They went off together to play, and Alin sat down with Pharm’s parents to exchange contact information. She had a feeling this was not a one-day infatuation for either one of them.

The first day of university was nerve-wracking for many reasons. Pharm was fairly confident he could handle it, however, and so got to campus early on orientation day. He met some new friends—Team and Manow—and had been happy to learn that Team was trying out for the swim club. It gave him a great excuse to go there himself. He’d caught a tantalizing glance of Dean while waiting in line, but they didn’t have a chance to do more than look at each other. It had been far too long since he’d last seen Dean and he missed him in an achingly familiar way, one that carried over lifetimes. Manow had taken his longing gaze as something else and squealed.

“Do you like P’Dean?” she asked, bouncing up and down in excitement. “He’s so handsome, isn’t he? Did you know he’s the president of the swim club?” She sighed, besotted. “Tall and serious, with a great body and an even better face. You’ll definitely have competition for his heart, Pharm. But I believe in you!”

Pharm suppressed a smile but didn’t bother to correct her. She asked if he liked Dean— he did. It just wasn’t the whole truth.

He followed Team and Manow to the swim club tryouts, trying to quell the butterflies in his tummy. He had some of Dean’s favorite treats in his backpack, which he carried in front of him so they stayed safe. He and Manow wished Team good luck and found seats to watch the tryout. Pharm watched Dean take his place in front of the club. He was focused on the task, so much that he didn’t look up into the stands. When he happen to look up a few minutes later, he trailed off mid-word, his eyes catching on Pharm’s. Pharm felt his face heat and he smiled shyly at Dean, who returned the smile with a small quirk of his lips. Dean’s blonde friend elbowed him, grinning and saying something Pharm had no chance of hearing from this distance, but it made Dean scowl and shove his arm. Pharm guessed this was Win— he hadn’t met the man, but Dean had talked about his troublesome best friend enough times for Pharm to recognize him.

Manow poked his side. “Pharm,” she sing-songed. “I think P’Dean was looking at you!”

She fanned herself dramatically. “What if he fell in love at first sight! How romantic would that be?”

“It would be romantic,” Pharm agreed idly. His face softened, remembering being four years old and captivated by the older boy on the playground. Love at first sight… it had been that. Or if not love, then recognition, understanding, promise. Even if they had been too young at the time to fully realize the implications of it. He twisted the gold ring on his first finger, biting his lip. To his surprise, tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked them away.

“Silly,” he muttered to himself. He’d been fine, if a bit lonely, these past years without Dean, when he was living in America with his brother and mother and Dean was studying here. They saw each other a few times a year, during breaks, and called or video-chatted nearly daily. Seeing Dean here, though, being so close and yet unable to touch, brought all his feelings bubbling up to the surface. Thankfully, Manow was too distracted by shirtless men to notice.

Once tryouts were over, they went down to the poolside to greet Team, at Manow’s insistence, once she realized Dean and Win would be there as well. Pharm had hoped for a more private reunion with Dean, preferably at his condo, with doors that closed and no other eyes around. This would have to do, however. Manow, ever bold, was the first to introduce herself.

“I’m Manow,” she said, “This is Pharm. We’re friends of Team.”

Pharm gave both of them a wai, fighting a huge smile. Dean met his eye and gave him a small, private smile of his own. Manow giggled. She shoved Pharm forward a step.

“P’Dean, this is Pharm,” she repeated. “Isn’t he cute? He’s caught a lot of eyes today already.”

Dean simply raised an eyebrow stoically. Pharm blushed, mortified, and dug through his backpack. He pulled out the snacks he’d prepared for Dean and offered them around. He gave some to Win, Team, and Manow, too, and now Dean’s eyebrows were disappointed.

I have more at home, Pharm mouthed to Dean, who gave a tiny nod and relaxed slightly. Pharm grinned, unbearably fond, and ducked his head. Somehow he got through the rest of the conversation without looking at Dean or blushing too hard when Manow blatantly tried to set them up. He excused himself first, citing needing to stop by the cooking club before all the members went home, and fled. Once safely at his condo, he texted Dean.

On my way. Be home soon. I miss you, was Dean’s response, a few minutes later. Pharm whined a little in embarrassment and anticipation, then threw his phone on his bed so he would stop looking at it. Then, as he always did when faced with nervous energy, he started cooking. By the time he heard the click of a key in the lock, he had most of a meal put together. He quickly turned off the stove and moved the pan to a cool spot, knowing exactly what was coming. Dean closed the door behind him, pinning Pharm in place with his intense eyes.

“P’Dean,” Pharm breathed. Those traitorous tears from earlier in the day came flooding back. Dean didn’t say a word, simply stepped forward and engulfed Pharm in a hug. Pharm clung on to him with all his strength. He pressed his face against Dean’s neck, breathing in his familiar, welcome scent.

“Nong Pharm,” Dean whispered. He disengaged from the hug long enough to press a line of kisses from Pharm’s neck to his ear, to his cheek.

“Kiss me properly,” Pharm said, giggling at the ticklish feeling of Dean’s wandering lips.

“Of course,” Dean replied, and obliged him. Pharm melted into his kiss, like he always did. Dean lifted him to sit on the counter and they stayed like that for quite some time. Pharm’s arms stayed locked around Dean’s neck so his hands could card into his hair, while Dean’s hands found their favorite spot, gripping Pharm’s hips. Their kisses slowed after a while, replaced with snippets of conversation taken between stolen pecks and hands brushing across skin.

“I missed you.”

“Five months is too long.”

“I’m glad to see you made some friends.”

“Yes, and it was nice to meet Win. I’m sorry about Manow, she’s just… a lot.”

“It was funny. Are you planning on telling her the truth?”

“Eventually? But,” Pharm pulled away, eyes glinting with mischief. “I kinda want to see how long it takes her to realize on her own.”

Dean’s eyes crinkled at the corners, his version of a chuckle. “Okay. We have to get Win on board, though. He already knows.”

Pharm nodded and placed one final kiss on Dean’s nose.

“Let’s eat.”

“Eat or ‘eat’?” Dean asked, hands creeping down to Pharm’s ass and squeezing gently.

“Eating food,” Pharm said emphatically. “I already cooked. You can wait for desert. Besides, you need a shower first. You smell like chorine.”

“You like how I smell,” Dean said mildly, tweaking Pharm’s cheek. But he obediently shuffled back from the counter and helped Pharm hop down.

They continued to talk, catching up on those missing months, while Pharm finished cooking and Dean set the table. It was an old routine, slightly altered by time and a change in location, but like everything they did together— talking, laughing, kissing, remembering— it was easy to fall back into. Pharm felt like he could breathe properly for the first time since the new year, when he’d watched Dean’s plane take him away to Thailand.

They ate together, then cuddled on the couch to call Pharm’s mom. She could only talk for a few minutes, but wished them good luck studying together at university.

“And make sure you both stay on top of your schoolwork. Don’t get too distracted by each other.”

“Mom,” Pharm hissed, face red once again. Dean said, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll take good care of him.”

“I know you will,” she said fondly. “Okay, Pharm. Be safe and healthy.”

“You too, Mom,” Pharm said, and bid her goodbye.

He let out a deep breath and cuddled closer to Dean. Dean’s arms came up around him and held tightly for a moment, before letting go to rest gently on his legs.

“Want to call your family?” Pharm asked.

Dean shook his head. “They know I’m staying here tonight. Del and Don want you to visit this weekend, though.”

Pharm nodded. “It’ll be strange to go to school with them.”

“Not me?” Dean asked, mock-offended. Pharm swatted his arm gently.

“Of course you, too. But I see you in a lot of different contexts. Don and Del I almost never see outside your house.”

Dean hummed in understanding. Then, apparently deciding they were done with talking, he gathered Pharm into his arms and deposited them both on the bed. Pharm laughed in surprise, but allowed himself to be manhandled. It had been months, after all, and he missed his P’Dean.

Surprisingly, it took several months for the truth to come out. As he’d told Dean, Pharm wasn’t interested in lying to his friends, per se, but was curious to see how long it took for them to put it together—that he and Dean were together. They acted like they would normally, but Pharm was naturally shy and Dean was naturally stoic, so their public interactions were less ‘longtime lovers’ and more ‘secret crush’. Pharm would let Manow tease him for his crush on Dean, but never lied about it. Like today. Manow came bouncing up, all smiles as usual.

“How did you get to campus so early?”

“P’Dean dropped me off.”

“Oh! That’s so sweet. I’m positive he likes you back, if he’s going out of his way to drop you off.”

“It’s hardly out of his way,” Pharm said mildly, since it wasn’t—Dean had been sleeping at Pharm’s more than his own house lately. Team snorted into his rice. Sometime in the past two months, Team had developed some kind of relationship with Win (Win didn’t kiss and tell to Dean, and Team didn’t to his friends either, so exactly what that relationship entailed was a mystery) and Win must have let him in on the secret.

“Yeah,” Team said. “P’Dean definitely likes Pharm. I would put money on it.” He waggled his eyebrows at Manow. “Wanna make a bet?”

She waved a hand. “No. Everyone can see they’re crazy for each other. Who would bet against them? It’s a clear loss.”

“I would,” said a voice behind them. Pharm tensed up, bracing himself for what he knew was coming. Alex’s arm descended around Pharm’s shoulder. He rolled his shoulder, dislodging Alex’s arm, but the other man just slung it over him again, sitting on the bench next to Pharm, uncomfortably close.

“P’Alex, please let me go,” Pharm said, as politely as he could. Alex pouted in a way that was supposed to be attractive but just made Pharm annoyed. Ignoring Pharm, he said, “I’ll put money down against Pharm and Dean. How much? 500 baht? 1000?”

“Ooh,” Manow said, cocking her head. “Someone is confident.”

Alex shrugged. “Pharm will choose me eventually. I have the guts to actually flirt with him, unlike that senior.”

“Don’t speak about P’Dean like that,” Pharm said quietly. Those who knew him could hear the anger behind his soft words, but Alex didn’t know him.

He just scooted closer and said, “All he does is glare at you and eat your food. Wouldn’t you prefer a boyfriend who shows you affection?”

“Let go of me, P’Alex,” Pharm said again. When Alex didn’t move, Pharm took a deep breath and stood, putting distance between himself and Alex.

“P’Alex, I am flattered that you like me, but I can’t accept your feelings. Please leave me alone. I’ve told you this already.”

“You still have time to change your mind. Dean hasn’t claimed you yet.”

Pharm just smiled at him, steel under softness, and said, “how do you know that?”

Alex frowned. “Are you actually dating Dean?”

“Yeah, Pharm, are you?” Manow cut in. She leaned across the table, nearly out of her seat. “You can tell us!”

“Tell you what?” Dean’s voice asked. Dean put a hand on Pharm’s shoulder and Pharm immediately relaxed into it, breathing steadying a little. He didn’t need Dean to fight his battles for him, but in this particular situation…. He might. Pharm had rejected Alex several times already but he just wouldn’t take the hint. Dean had promised, last time, to take care of it if Alex bothered him again.

“If you’re dating Pharm,” Alex said cooly. He stood as well, trying in vain to be as tall as Dean. Failing that, he crossed his arms.

Dean tilted his head and this time, his arm slipped around Pharm’s waist, a half-embrace.

“I’m not dating Nong Pharm, no,” he said. Pharm glanced up at him in curiosity. Usually, Dean left off nong when they were in public. That he added it back now meant he was serious about proving his relationship with Pharm. It seemed their little game was coming to an end. Pharm glanced at his friends. Team smirked knowingly and gave him an encouraging nod. Manow looked like she was about to faint.

“Then—” Alex started, but Dean talked over him.

“Nong Pharm isn’t my boyfriend. He’s my husband.”

Pharm squeezed his eyes shut, face flushing hot, as Manow bellowed, “what?!” loud enough to  startle people across the courtyard. Alex looked shellshocked. Manow whipped her gaze between Pharm and Dean rapidly. Team, for his part, was laughing helplessly. Too late, Pharm saw he had his phone out and was presumably recording the whole exchange.

“Keep your voice down, Manow,” Pharm pleaded. She made a small whimpering sound, looking distraught.

“Pharm, you better tell me right now if this is a joke,” she said.

Pharm shook his head. “It’s not a joke. P’Dean and I are married.”

“What?! When? How? Why?”

Dean said casually, “the last time I visited Nong Pharm’s family in New York, we decided to get married. Same sex marriage is legal there.”

“But-but—” Manow spluttered. Team put a consoling hand on her arm. She turned to him, rage in her eyes. “Why are you not shocked to hear this?”

Team shrugged. “Win told me a while ago.”

“I hate both of you,” Manow said firmly. “Pharm, you better start talking. I want to hear the whole story.”

Pharm glanced at his watch. “Look at that, time for class. See you later!”

He snatched up his backpack and fled, leaving an enraged Manow, amused Dean, grinning Team, and shocked Alex behind. He stifled his grin the best he could. It was embarrassing as hell, but he was glad the truth was out, now, and that Alex would hopefully, finally, leave him alone.

Manow cornered him that evening at the cooking club. Thankfully, most people had already left for the day. Pharm was staying behind to teach a drama club actor how to make some carved Thai deserts.

“Oh, hello, Del! I didn’t realize the actor from the drama club was you!” he said as Del sat down at his table.

“Pharm!” Del said happily. “Yes, it’s me. I brought Manow. She’s a supporting actress and will also need to know how to do this.”

Manow flicked her hand as if to dismiss this statement. “Yes, whatever. More importantly, you two know each other?”

“Of course we do,” Del said fondly. “Pharm is my brother-in-law, isn’t he?”

“Oh my god. It is true,” Manow said.

Del frowned. “You didn’t know?”

“No!” Manow wailed. Pharm winced. “Pharm, how could you keep this from me?”

Pharm gave what he hoped was a charming smile, but Manow’s expression remained hurt. Del came to his rescue: “Oh, don’t blame him. He and P’Dean are both really private people. We practically had to pry the truth out of them when they started dating, even though we all knew it was going to happen eventually. Fate and all that.”

“Del, as my friend, I am begging you to tell me everything. Pharm won’t!”

“Pharm will,” Pharm relented. He held up a finger, discouraging Manow before she could say anything else. “I’ll tell you, but you have to pay attention and learn how to carve deserts first. Deal?”

“Deal,” Manow vowed.

Pharm told Manow (and Team, since he asked to hear it from Pharm as well) most of the truth. He left out the parts about Korn and In, telling them instead that he and Dean grew up as good friends, began dating in high school, did long distance for several years while Dean studied at university and Pharm finished high school in America, and got married just a few months ago, as Pharm prepared to move back to Thailand.

In broad strokes, this was the truth, but not the whole of it. The whole story went like this:

After meeting Dean, Pharm began to have nightmares with startlingly regularity. They were incapacitating for the young boy, who barely slept at all and cried so hard in panic and sorrow he had to be hospitalized once. The only times he was ever able to sleep peacefully was when Dean slept in the same bed as him. Dean’s nightmares were less frequent and less violent, but still present. Both boys slept better together, could calm each other from the worst of episodes. Where doctors and sleep studies and medications failed, they healed each other. After an exhausting, frightening six months, both sets of parents gave in to this solution. Dean and Pharm spent alternating months at the other’s houses, and Pharm’s family moved much closer to where Dean’s family lived to make this easier.

The night terrors faded away but never truly vanished, and came back stronger when the two were forced to separate for more than a few weeks. Dean was just shy of three years older than Pharm and protected him with a fierceness that seemed almost overbearing, as if Pharm was constantly in danger.

Pharm, for his part, loved to take care of Dean. He took to the kitchen very early and honed his skill by cooking Dean’s favorite dishes. He was one of the few people who could get Dean talking for more than a few sentences at a time. He attended Dean’s swim meets, just as Dean kept Pharm company in the kitchen. Their families became close, out of necessity more than anything.

“Do you think it’s odd,” Alin asked once, when Dean was eight and Pharm was almost six, “that we’ve basically rearranged our lives because our sons are best friends?”

Kard said, “you know what? It should feel weird, but it doesn’t. Sometimes those boys look at each other and… I don’t know. It’s like I’m witnessing something special, something I don’t fully understand.”

Everyone knew the two boys were close; it was the depth of that closeness that took him aback sometimes. Their other children were close friends as well, Phoom getting along especially well with Don, and Del being a little on the outside by virtue of being the only girl. Kard even felt confident in calling Phoom and Don best friends. But something about Dean and Pharm’s connection felt different—stronger than the words ‘best friends’ could convey. It felt old sometimes, inevitable even. It felt sacred.

Alin said, “I understand that feeling. Sometimes, they act so oddly. Remember when Pharm met Grandma Ahn and couldn’t stop crying? He could never explain why.”

“He did that with my father, too,” Kard said thoughtfully. “This was before he ever met Dean. I thought it was just a tantrum at the time—he was just barely two—but looking back… he seemed truly scared of him.” He huffed a laugh. “I know Dad can be intimidating, but still. Seems excessive.”

Alin shook her head fondly. “Kids,” she said, as if that explained everything. Kard nodded his agreement.

“Speaking of,” Alin said, checking her watch, “I need to get Dean ready for swim practice. He and Pharm are playing in the backyard.”

“I’ll bring a spatula to pry them off each other,” Kard joked. Together, they walked through the Wongnate house and into the spacious backyard. The sky had darkened while they had been inside, and it was raining now: a steady downpour interrupted by peals of thunder.

Dean and Pharm were standing under a tree, only a few paces from the house. Dean had his arms around Pharm.

“It’s okay, nong,” Dean was saying, voice soothing. “See, we’re almost at the house. We just have to keep walking and we’ll be safe inside.”

“No,” Pharm said. “No, stop it! You can’t go out in the rain.”

“The rain won’t hurt us,” Dean promised. Just then, a huge crash of thunder sounded and Pharm fell to the ground. Dean went down with him, wrapping him in a hug. Pharm, inconsolable, sobbed, “don’t go! Don’t go in the rain. You’ll die! Don’t leave. Don’t leave me, Korn."

Kard felt all the blood drain from his face, something sick welling up in his throat. “What did he just say?” he asked Alin. He grabbed her arm urgently. “What name did he just call Dean?”

Taken aback, Alin stuttered over her answer. “I think—he said ‘Korn’, didn’t he?”

Kard swore under his breath. Alin took a step forward, but he held her back.

“No, don’t. Please, I need to hear what they’re saying.”

Alin fell silent, confused but compliant at her friend’s urgent request. The two boys were still clutching each other.

“I won’t leave you,” Dean said softly. He kissed Pharm’s forehead. “I promise, In.”

In all the years since Korn’s death, Kard had only spoken his name a handful of times. Exactly none of those times had been since Dean was born. No one really spoke of Korn, nor of Intouch, and certainly not in front of the children. Dean and Pharm shouldn’t have known those names. They shouldn’t have known the two boys had died during a rainstorm.

Kard took shaking, tentative steps into the rain, completely focused on the children huddled together on the ground. Lightning flashed and Kard could have sworn that in the burst of light, he could see a shadow of a thread connecting their pinkie fingers— a trick of the light and his overactive imagination, or a confirmation of what he hoped and feared? Behind him, Alin grabbed a pair of umbrellas and followed him.

“Korn? In?” he said, approaching them. The boys looked up, both tear-stained and trembling. “Korn,” he said. He placed a hand over his own racing heart. “Are you Korn?”

Dean, glassy-eyed, gave a small nod. Kard lowered himself to the ground, forcing himself to breathe evenly. “Korn, it’s Kard. Do you know who I am?”

Dean blinked, then nodded. His face crumpled and he started crying, too. It was impossible and it was crazy, and Kard believed it whole-heartedly. Kard bundled both boys in a hug, clutching at his son and his—his—this new person who used to be Korn. His older brother, now a child again. His son’s most important person. The red string had done its job and Kard was overwhelmed with gratitude that he had the privilege of seeing it happen.

“You’re safe, both of you,” he murmured. “No one is going to pull you apart again. I swear.”

The two boys cried even harder.

Alin stood over them, holding open the largest umbrella.

“Let’s go inside,” she said gently. “We’ll get warm and dry and talk about…. whatever this is.”

What followed was a few years of putting together puzzle pieces and taking crazy things at face value and consulting with various monks, spiritual leaders, and family members. By the time both boys were ten and thirteen, the truth had more or less come out. The adults did their best to parse the information into kid-appropriate chunks and explain Korn and In’s bloody past in as gentle a way as possible.

Pharm and Dean knew they used to be lovers, back when they were In and Korn. They knew that they had promised to find each other in the next life. They knew their previous lives had ended badly, and eventually knew enough to fill in the gaps. They knew that their families loved them very much and missed them terribly, but also loved these new people they were. They knew that Pharm’s grandfather was also Korn’s father; Dean’s grandmother was In’s sister, which meant Dean’s mother was also Pharm’s niece. They knew that sometimes their dreams were memories. They knew that no one outside of their families should ever know about this.

And surprisingly, despite everything, they were mostly just normal kids—best friends, living in each other’s pockets, in their own little world, with a stronger connection to each other than most people could ever claim in their lives, but kids all the same.

Then Kard passed away and Pharm remembered more about In’s ending and was so terrified of losing anyone else that he pushed them all away, including Dean. Pharm moved with his mother and brother to America when he was eleven and Dean was fourteen. When Pharm came back to Thailand for high school, the separation proved to him that he could survive without Dean, but he didn’t want to. They fell back into old habits of cuddling and sharing a bed that had exciting new connotations now that they were older, and things progressed from there. None of the adults did much to discourage this—there was really no point to fight fate. They had learned their lesson the hard way before. Before they fessed up to being together—even before Pharm had returned to Thailand—Dean had gotten an uncomfortably detailed lesson on safe sex between men from Pharm’s grandfather, been supplied with condoms and lube, and told to be careful and respectful. A year and a half later, Pharm went back to America to finish out high school there at his mother’s request, leaving Dean to attend university alone and wait for Pharm’s return, a small handful of visits each year keeping the worst of the loneliness away.

They got married in New York on New Year’s Day the year Pharm finished high school, just a courthouse affair. Maybe they’d have a bigger ceremony later on, but Dean had asked him if he wanted to get married, and there was no way Pharm would say no to that. It was everything In and Korn didn’t dare to dream of—legally married, surrounded by family that accepted them, and a home waiting for them at night. It was everything they wanted, Dean and Pharm, as they started their adult lives, legally and emotionally bound together.

It was a little odd to think of himself as a husband at only nineteen, which was part of the reason he didn’t mention it often. Many of his peers—even Dean’s peers—were just starting to look for serious partners for the first time, never mind committing to them for life. If being a husband felt odd, being Dean’s husband certainly didn’t. It still made him blush to think about, sometimes, but in the best possible way.

And now his best friends knew about it. They didn’t know the whole truth, but they might someday. The family knew, of course, and a few outside of it. Their siblings had learned the truth eventually, but only after a few too many oddities had piled up—their undoing had been flashbacks, in the end, one too many instances of Pharm bursting into tears after seemingly-unrelated comments and events. Lately, it seemed Pharm and Dean had exhausted In and Korn’s memories, so the chance of having a flashback was fairly low. Pharm could keep the truth from them, if he wanted to. Win already knew bits of it, he knew. Dean had been lonely during their separation, and on In and Korn’s death-day his sophomore year, he had gotten drunk and confided in his friend. Pharm didn’t begrudge him that at all—Dean had needed someone who understood the gnawing loneliness and displaced grief he felt without Pharm there. Win was able to help his husband in a time of trouble; of course Pharm didn’t mind.

Whether Win would keep that truth from Team as their relationship—whatever that entailed—bloomed… Pharm was unconvinced.

Dean and Pharm’s therapist knew, though it had taken several tries to find one who believed them and was able to help them start working through the trauma of their tragic past lives.

The point was, in the grand scheme of things, not many people knew. Pharm had never told any of his friends. He had never had any friends close enough to consider it. Not until now.

As he and Dean settled into bed that evening, Pharm decided that someday—maybe even someday soon— he would tell his friends the truth, the whole of it. In and Korn and Dean and Pharm’s story, top to bottom, start to finish. It was a long story, a long time coming, but the love that grew from it was too precious to hoard all to himself when he knew his friends would see the joy in it, too.

“I love you, P’Dean,” Pharm said, because it could never be said enough. Somewhere in his heart, he thought he felt a brush of approval from In.

“I love you too,” Dean answered, his voice soft and sure.

A feeling welled up in Pharm, so all-encompassing that he couldn’t tell the origin of it. But it really didn’t matter if this desire came from himself or who he used to be. The only thing that mattered is that he felt it, and that he had the privilege to act on it. He rolled on top of Dean, legs on the either side of Dean’s hips, planting his hands on either side of Dean’s head.

“I love you,” he repeated, eyes steady on Dean’s.

Surprise in Dean’s face softened into adoration. Instead of replying with words, he pulled Pharm down into a kiss.

When they broke apart again, Pharm laid his head on Dean’s chest to hear his clear heartbeat.

“I kept you waiting. I won’t anymore.”

Dean made a small sound of confusion. Pharm sighed and pressed a kiss to Dean’s warm skin. “I left you twice to go abroad. I’m sorry.”

“There's nothing to forgive, Pharm. You know that. But why this now?” Dean asked. “We’ve been back together for months now.”

“I don’t know. Telling Team and Manow about us—I was thinking about our time together. Thinking about all the times I left you behind, or pushed you away, or made you wait.”

“You never left me,” Dean said. He captured Pharm’s hand and kissed his fingers, then kept them pressed to his lips as he said, “we may have been apart, but my heart was with you the whole time. I found you, as promised, and I haven’t let you go since.”

“Will you find me again?” Pharm asked quietly. He felt the rise and fall of Dean’s chest under his cheek, eyes shut, waiting for the answer.

“In every life,” Dean said, the words coming out choked with tears. “No matter what.”

Pharm surged up and kissed Dean fiercely—with all the fire and passion he had inherited from In, with all the tenderness and love inherent to himself—and let those words that couldn’t be said enough tumble out of his mouth. I love you, I love you, I love you, over and over again, until it was the only thing they could hear.

Notes:

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