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Fucking Skynet

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"So, I'm thinking our first dance should be "Celebration." You know, Kool and the Gang?" Wick does this horrific little dance move, and then winces. Clarke assumes Raven kicked him.

"I'm going to murder you."

Bellamy raises his glass the same time Clarke does; they clink their beers together and take a drink. Raven threatens to kill Wick is the first entry on their Raven and Wick's wedding drinking game.

"Okay, okay, fine. "She Blinded Me With Science?" "Science Genius Girl?" "So Far I Have Not Found the Science?" I have more. I could do this all night."

"You guys realize you haven't picked a venue yet?" asks Bellamy. "Or a date. Or--" he glances at Clarke. "Have they made any decisions about anything?"

Clarke is a natural organizer, and everything about their wedding hurts her deep in her soul; she's been keeping track of what's going on because if she doesn't, no one else will. Her dedicated notepad is covered in angry faces, games of hangman with Bellamy, and drawings of knives. "So far, Raven has just vetoed absolutely everything Wick has suggested."

"I thought shotgun wedding in Vegas was a great plan," says Wick. "Vegas!"

"Wick tries to convince her to elope is two drinks, right?" asks Bellamy. Clarke flips through the notepad and nods. They clink their beers again and take two quick sips. They're going to be trashed from now until whenever the wedding happens, she's pretty sure. It's probably the only way they're going to survive.

"We're getting married here," says Raven. "I don't want to pay to go somewhere for my own wedding."

"Can we at least decide on a venue?" Clarke pleads. "Then I can book it and start making plans without you."

"Do circuses perform weddings?" asks Wick.

"Are we up to five suggestions from Wick just to piss Raven off yet?" asks Bellamy.

Clarke looks at her tally marks. "Kind of depends. I didn't know how to count the songs. He made four individual suggestions, so if we could all four, don't count Vegas because we already drank for that--"

"Yeah, I'm getting us shots," says Bellamy, getting up.

"We could get married in a park," says Raven, slowly. "I like parks. Or just somewhere outside."

"Somewhere outside," says Clarke. It's the first actual preference Raven has expressed, and she's almost shy about it. She's a bridezilla who wants to pretend she doesn't care she's getting married. It's the worst. "I can work with that."

"Hallelujah," says Wick. "Can we hire a clown?"

Bellamy arrives with shots for all four of them, and Clarke downs hers immediately. "I'm definitely going to strangle you both," she says brightly.

"Yeah, fair enough," says Wick, and clinks his shot glass against Bellamy's.


Clarke found out Raven and Wick were engaged when she and Bellamy first moved to Boston after graduation. The two of them were still there, living in some shitty apartment near MIT, and the first time they all went out for drinks, she saw the ring.

"Are you engaged?" she asked. Neither of them had a relationship status on Facebook, and all their videos were just crossposted from their robot-fighting-league YouTube channel. She honestly wasn't even sure they were still dating. She is not good at assessing Raven and Wick's lives.

"Oh, yeah," said Raven, looking down at the ring. "Wick bet me five bucks I wouldn't marry him. I won."

"Yeah, I definitely didn't get what I wanted out of that," said Wick. Raven stuck her tongue out at him, and Wick stuck his out back.

"When are you getting married?" Clarke asked. "Have you set a date?"

"Not yet."

"Hey, Reyes, bet you five bucks we won't be married in under two years," Wick said.

"You're on."

Wick shook his head. "Like shooting fish in a barrel," he said, and from Raven's flush, Clarke was sure she knew exactly what was happening.

But all she said was, "You guys want to help plan a wedding?"

She's come to regret saying yes.


"You want them to get married in a graveyard?" asks Bellamy. He's surrounded by a pile of books, because why would he be done with school when he could be getting a PhD in Classics from Harvard? Clarke is already planning to call him Dr. Nerd after he graduates. She's supportive.

"It's a cemetery."

"Not actually a meaningful distinction," says Bellamy. "Is it so when Raven kills Wick in the middle of the ceremony, we won't have to move the body?"

"It's nice! It's outside, it's within their budget, and we can set a date. Don't trash-talk the cemetery, Bellamy."

He laughs. "Has Raven approved it yet?"

"No, why?"

"Because you should definitely tell her it's at a cemetery so we won't have to move Wick's body."

Clarke snickers. "Yeah, good point."

She texts a link to the Mount Auburn website, and then this way when you murder him he'll already be in the graveyard.

Raven texts back, you're going to die here, you know. convenient.

"Star Wars reference," Clarke tells him. "That's Raven for yes."


"I'm not wearing a dress."

"I can wear a dress," says Wick. Clarke puts a check mark down on her count of things Wick says just to piss Raven off, and then frowns and erases it. She's not actually sure.

"I don't like dresses," says Raven. "I never feel like myself in a dress."

Wick flops down next to her on the sofa. "You can wear whatever the hell you want. It's our wedding. You want to do jeans? We could do jeans. We could get his-and-hers t-shirts."

And Clarke has to smile a little, because they're good together, in their way. Wick knows just what to say.

"It's our wedding, right?"


"And you don't actually give a shit at all."

He grins. "I give a couple shits."

"Yeah? About what?"

"I want it to be fun." Raven nods. "I want us to get a marriage certificate at the end. And I want you to call me Kyle in our vows."

Raven snorts and leans into him. "I'll call you Kyle on my fucking death bed, Wick."

He kisses the top of her head. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say."


As it turns out, Raven and Wick agreeing on their wedding is even more terrifying than the two of them not agreeing. They come up with bingo cards for the audience to use during the ceremony so no one gets bored, they want to give out flasks as party favors, and Raven wants to program a robot to be the ring bearer.

"We could probably get one to perform the ceremony too," says Wick. "If we've got the marriage certificate from city hall, it doesn't matter if we get a priest to do it, right?"

"What percentage of your wedding party is going to be robots?" asks Bellamy.

"Ideally 100," says Wick. "Sorry, I know you really wanted to be my best man."

"I'm not even sure I want to go anymore. I've seen Terminator. You guys are going to get married by fucking Skynet."

"That would be awesome," Raven says. "After the ceremony ends, the robots become hostile, and instead of having a reception, we just fight off an army of homicidal machines."

"We need to update the drinking game," Bellamy says. "I'm definitely buying a round of shots for that."

"Get two," says Clarke, writing ask venue about robot policy in her notebook, and decorating it with question marks, exclamation points, and crying faces.

Bellamy kisses the top of her head as he heads to the bar, which at least helps a little.


"I think we probably need to plan a secret, normal wedding," Wick says. He emailed Clarke to see if she wanted to get lunch; the subject line was TOP SECRET DO NOT TELL RAVEN!!!, and "backup wedding" is a lot better than most of the scenarios she came up with.

"What, you don't want a Skynet wedding?"

"I don't care," he says, shrugging. "If Raven wanted to teach a parrot how to marry us on a fucking submarine, I'd go with it." He drums his fingers on the table. "I think she might change her mind about not taking it seriously. I want a contingency plan. Better than scrambling at the last minute, right?"

"So you want me to plan a drunken, killer-robot-themed wedding, and then a regular wedding, just in case."

"I'm an engineer," he says. "I believe in redundancy." He shrugs. "And I fucking love her, and I want her to have the best wedding ever."

Clarke can't help smiling. "Do you expect me to trick her into trying in dresses?"

"I believe in you," he says, clapping her on the shoulder. "I believe in the power of your skills."

"It's going to be expensive," she mutters, because she's already figuring out how she'll do it. She does love a challenge.

"We're both gainfully employed in highly competitive technological fields and all we ever buy is booze and scrap metal," he says. "I think we can afford it."


"When we get married," she tells Bellamy, "it's going to be simple. Small ceremony, somewhere non-denominational, open bar and an awesome DJ for the reception. That's all I ask. No killer robots, no drinking game, no secret backup ceremony."

Bellamy just grins. "When we get married, huh?"

She rolls her eyes, refusing to be embarrassed. "Like anyone thinks we're not getting married."

His expression softens. "Yeah," he says. "We'll do something simple."


Two weeks before the wedding, Raven mentions, hesitantly, that she might want Wick to wear a tux.

"I can get a tux," he says. "You still doing jeans?"

"Yeah," she says. And then, two days later, "Maybe if the dress wasn't white."

Clarke already has suggestions pulled up on her phone. Wick flashes her a grateful smile, and she smiles back.


The flower girl is a Roomba.

"We just filled it with petals instead of dirt," Raven explains. "And reversed what it does. Instead of sucking, it blows."

"Unlike Raven, who both--" Wick says, and she elbows him.

"That was kind of a gimme," Clarke remarks. "I expect better from you, Wick."

"I wanted my best man to also be a Roomba," he says, ignoring her, "but Raven thought it might be weird for you to walk down the aisle with it, so we're sticking with Bellamy."

"I appreciate your consideration."

"Wear whatever you want," Raven says.

"Are the robots going to attack us after the ceremony? Because that affects my decision."

Raven and Wick exchange a worrying look. "How much harm could a Roomba even do, realistically?" asks Wick. "It's barely even an attack. It could hump your leg, at worst."

"If the robots don't murder you after the wedding, I might," Clarke says darkly.

"Yeah," Raven says. "You've earned that."


Bellamy calls her from the bachelor party, which is just him and Wick and some of Wick's work friends having a massive, drunken Smash Brothers tournament. "He's talking about how much he loves her and how beautiful the wedding is going to be," he says. He sounds mostly sober. "Is that supposed to freak me out?"

"We've been planning this wedding for so long we don't know how to feel about things anymore," she tells him. "I don't remember what life was like before this."

He snorts. "Hey, if the robots destroy us tomorrow, I just want you to know I love you."

Clarke laughs. "What, you can't beat up a Roomba?"

"I'm worried he's going to program with the AIs from his Amiibos. Those things are no joke."

"We'll be fine," she assures him. "Just remember, if we die, we're already in a cemetery."

"Convenient," he says, amused. "Try to convince her to call him Kyle."

"Try to prep him for disappointment."

"Always do."


Raven's dress is pale gray and reminds Clarke of mist; she lets Clarke weave flowers in her hair for something blue and accepts a pair of earrings for something borrowed.

Her something old is the necklace Wick gave her for her tenth birthday. "It was the first time he ever went to a girl's birthday," she says, looking down at it. It's a small, silver bird charm on a cheap chain, not beautiful, not exactly, but important. "He told me that's what his sister told him girls liked. I punched him in the mouth and told him to get me Legos next time." She bites her lip. "Shit, I'm getting married. To Wick."

"Kyle," says Clarke, mostly so she can tell Bellamy she tried.

"I don't know Kyle," says Raven. "I'm marrying Wick."

Clarke smiles. "Yeah. I know what you mean."


"He good?" she asks Bellamy, when they meet up to walk down the aisle. She is not going to drag him off to make out, no matter how good he looks in a suit. Even if it's really good.

"Mostly. He won't stop pacing, he's worried she's going to bail, and he thinks the, uh, priest is going to go on the fritz, but I think that's just nerves."

"Or he's worried about Skynet."

"Or he's worried about Skynet." He offers her arm. "How's Raven?"

Clarke considers and settles on, "Happy."

Bellamy smiles. "Good."


The ceremony is officiated by an autotuned recording of Siri, which they programmed to say everything they wanted it to and stuck into an emptied out My First Sony. The flower girl does a great job, as does the ring bearer, which is an Aibo.

Raven's vows are just, "I love you, Wick," but Wick's take about ten minutes, starting off with a list of all the doomsday scenarios he will support her through (including, somewhat worryingly, robot uprising) and then natural disasters that they might potentially have to endure together. He also brainstorms actors who could play them in the film adaptation of said disasters, and wraps up with his own fairly simple declaration of love and devotion. Raven starts crying about thirty seconds in, and Clarke and Bellamy start using the bingo card printed on their programs as a drinking game, because why would they start being sober now?

Raven says "I take you, Kyle Wick" when the My First Sony prompts her, which is more of a concession than Clarke expected.

There is no post-wedding robot uprising, which is almost a letdown, but Wick did program the My First Sony to start spewing horrible autotuned pickup lines at Clarke, so Bellamy punches it.

"I was gonna be really disappointed if I didn't get to punch a robot today," he says, putting his arm around her and kissing her temple.

"That thing's gonna be Skynet," Clarke tells him. "This is what starts it down the path of evil. And it's gonna come for you first."

"It's gonna claim you for its bride."

She laughs and leans her head against his shoulder. "That could have been worse, right?"

That's when the flower girl starts whirring ominously and growing taller.

"Shit," says Bellamy.


Raven fights the Roomba because, in her words, it's her wedding, and she wanted to fight a fucking robot. Wick uploads the video to their YouTube channel, with the title "Married Life, Suckazzz."

Raven gives Clarke the biggest hug she's ever gotten before they get in the car to go to the honeymoon. "It was perfect," she says, soft. "Thank you."

Bellamy hands her a flask after the happy couple takes off. Clarke has never seen so many flasks in one place, honestly. They're probably banned from Mount Auburn Cemetery for life and death. "To Raven and Wick?" he offers, holding up his own flask.

She clinks the flasks together. "Raven and Wick," she agrees, and they drink to it.