Work Header

The Scent of Poppies (and Other Crimes Against Literature)

Work Text:

Snape looked at the delicate petals of the poppy. They reminded him of Madam Pomfrey and he burst into tears. He had just professed his undying love, but she said, "Merlin's Beard, Severus, I'm trying to treat an injured student here! Out of the way or I'll shove that poppy up your arse!"

Snape gazed at her miserably as she put that horrible Gryffindor Creevey into an opium haze. Suddenly McGonagall burst in. "Severus! I thought you loved ME!" Then she sobbed uncontrollably as well.

Poppy shrieked in horror. "Back off, bitch!" she screeched. "Minerva is mine!"

Then Snape whipped out a potion! It was thick and foamy. "Get away from her!" he growled.

Minerva pressed her hand to the back of her forehead. "Oh, don't fight over me, no, really," she said, but her ears were turning a lovely pink.

Suddenly a booming "CRUCIO!" was heard. Everyone cowered on the floor. It was Dumbledore! "Professor McGonagall is clearly mine mine mine all mine," he said. He extended his hand to her. "And if anyone objects, I'm sending the underpants gnomes to your quarters. Then you'll be sorry!" He smiled gently and said, "Minerva, my dear?"

Snape looked hopefully at Pomfrey. "Well. That would seem to settle that," he said.

Pomfrey sniffed disdainfully as Dumbledore and McGonagall left. "I'm sorry, Severus. My heart is broken. Unless, of course, you'd like to get together for a hot date of poison and hexes and..." She stopped short. "I think you ARE my dream man."

Snape held the noxious potion beneath her nose. "It contains henbane," he murmured seductively. "And I know how good you are with binding charms."

"Oh, Severus, you sweet talker!" Pomfrey said. She sniffled, getting potion aroma up her nose, and nearly swooned! Quickly Snape uttered the charm to make their clothes turn into slinky lingerie. And to make himself as sexy as possible he also gave himself violet eyes and a really big...shampoo. "Oh, Severus! No, no, not here where Creevey can see!" She threw her arms around his neck. "Promise me you won't break my heart like that ho Minerva!"

"I prom..."

Suddenly Snape fell silent at the sound of footsteps in the hall. Turning, he saw Lucius and Draco giving each other a big cuddly emotional father-son farewell. Lucius patted Draco on the head, then swept in and tossed Severus over his shoulder. "Back off, bitch, he's MINE!" Lucius said, waving his cane at her menacingly.

From the doorway, Draco squeaked, "Madame Pomfrey, do you have an eraser for my brain?"

"Lucius! NOOOOO!" swooned Severus, dropping his potion all over the floor like yesterday's baked beans. "Don't RAVISH me again!" Draco promptly Obliviated himself.

Pomfrey said, "I don't think so, Malfoy. This means war!" She drew her wand. Lucius tried to do so as well, but Severus' raging erection was in the way of his arm and he had trouble moving as quickly as he should have. Suddenly, Lucius was...a duck-billed platypus! "Take that, you ridiculous water mammal!" Pomfrey snapped.

Snape fell heavily to the floor, landing on his firm muscled bum. "Ow," he said, then, "Lucius!" He looked like he was about to cry again.

"I thought you wanted me to save you! Why, you''re... You man-ho! You're just like Minerva, only with an enormous shampoo! Toying with my broken heart like this!"

Distracted, Snape glanced over at her. "Oh...Poppy. I'd forgotten about you, ever since Lucius..." he admitted.

Poppy narrowed her eyes. Her wand hand twitched. Draco sniffled in the corner. Suddenly Lupin apparated in! "Severus! What's going on here?"

"This Man-Ho is cheating on me with a duck-billed platypus!" Pomfrey said. "How would you like to drop kick a small aquatic mammal?"

Draco wailed, "NoooOOOOOooooo, Daddy!!!!!!!!"

Lupin squinted at the platypus. "Lucius?" he asked somewhat disgustedly. "Stop licking yourself." Then he knelt in front of Severus, who was, as anyone could have predicted, sniveling again. "Severus? What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Severus sobbed and put his head on Lupin's shoulder. "Save me from the mean woman, Remmiekins!" In the corner, Draco retched.

Quickly Lupin cast another Obliviate charm over Draco and turned to Madame Pomfrey. "Just what has been going on here?" he demanded.

"This man has toyed with my affections in the most heartless manner possible -- even knowing that my heart was already broken by that wench Minerva." She sobbed. "Oh, Minerva, my fickle darling! Severus promised to take me away from all that, and now he's whimpering over Malfoy the platypus!"

Squinting, Lupin regarded her. "You and MCGONAGALL? But she's had a thing going with Dumbledore for years!" Frowning some more, he looked at the platypus. "Lucius, why do I suspect that this was all your fault?"

Pomfrey wailed. Lucius squawked a little. Rolling her eyes, she took his wand and turned him back into himself. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I did it all for you, Severus!" declared Lucius, then blushed as he realized that they were all staring at him, including Draco. "Er, that is, I did it to keep the Slytherins pure and free from the influences of these Mudbloods, half-breeds and generally unattractive people!"

"For me?" Severus sniffled. "Aw, that's sweet! ...what did you do again?"

"Well, to begin with, I made Madam Pomfrey fall in love with Professor McGonagall, because you always swoon and sob when you see poppies," Lucius explained. "Imagine if you'd wanted to marry one of them! The half-breed Gryffindor-Slytherin child you and McGonagall produced would be revolting."

"Minerva is MINE, bitch!" Pomfrey said. "I can come up with worse things for you to be than a platypus...."

"Yes, you can HAVE Minerva," Lucius said impatiently. "But you can't have Severus! He's mine -- that is, he's ours. He's a Slytherin." But Lupin was glaring, shaking his head.

"That's what you think, Malfoy! Severus is mine! Mine mine mine! And he's going to have my wolf cubs!" Draco groaned and obliviated himself again.

"Wolf cubs?" Malfoy demanded incredulously. "I know that the standards of teaching at this school are terribly low, Lupin, but has no one explained to you that Severus cannot bear your children, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Death-Eaters?"

Severus turned pink and stared at the floor. Hesitantly Madam Pomfrey raised a hand. "Actually, he could, if he Polyjuiced throughout all nine months of gestation."

Lupin nodded defiantly, but both Malfoys stared. "Dammit, Severus!" Malfoy said. "Is this why you wanted me to use a rubber?" Draco fainted.

"Actually," said Madam Pomfrey in a very low voice, "I'm Severus, and Severus is me."

"But!" Lupin said.

"But!" Malfoy said.

Severus burst into tears. "Never mind me," he sniveled. "Hormones."

Lupin had begun to back slowly away into the same corner as Draco, who was moaning quietly, unconscious. "Then...who was sleeping with McGonagall!" he demanded. Pomfrey and Snape exchanged a guilty look, but said nothing.

Lucius was straightening, glaring at Pomfrey. "I knew you were really Severus," he snapped in something very near his normal voice. "No nurse could have turned me into a platypus!"

Severus stood. Purple lightning crackled around him. "That's what YOU think!" he said, and turned Malfoy into a aardvark. Draco opened his eyes just in time to see this sight; screaming, he fainted again, collapsing into Lupin's arms.

Just then McGonagall returned. "Poppy, I'm so sorry, I wanted to explain..." she began.

"I'm waiting," Pomfrey said, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. Lupin was looking back and forth among the witches and wizards as if watching a Quidditch tournament with a rogue bludger, oblivious to the swooning Draco slumped against him. "Well?"

"Well, darling, you know that I adore you, don't you? It's just that, you know..." She looked at Severus. "Help?"

"Tell it to the hand," he said.

Minerva rolled her eyes. "I can't help it. You know animagi take on some of the aspects of their transformation animals. Oh, for heaven's sake, Poppy, you're a nurse, you know what I'm talking about!"

"But you're not an animagus," Malfoy interrupted scornfully, his voice sounding a little funny because he was an aardvark. "At least, not a REGISTERED animagus." He flashed his Ministry of Magic credentials out of his fur. "And even if Polyjuicing could allow a man to have a baby, there's no such thing as werewolf cubs! Werewolves only reproduce by biting and mauling innocent victims at the full moon..."

"That's what you think," muttered Lupin.

Minerva rolled her eyes. "I'm feeling a bit peckish. Are you finished with your aardvark?" She then transfigured Malfoy into a mouse, turned into a cat, and devoured him in one gulp!

"Huzzah!" exclaimed Dumbledore, who had followed McGonagall to reclaim her from Pomfrey-Snape. "That's one less Death-Eater that Harry Potter will have to kill!"

Draco, who had been slowly regaining consciousness, looked at McGonagall licking her lips, heard the Headmaster speak Potter's name and promptly threw up on Lupin's cardigan. Fortunately it was his rattiest one.

"Lucius!" Severus sobbed. "Remus, we must adopt the child of the love of my youth and raise our cubs with him!"

"Er... his mother's still alive, Severus," Remus said.

"Oh, bugger," Severus said.

Minerva the cat jumped onto Dumbledore's shoulder, and he handed her a cat treat. He winked at Lupin. "Catnip aftershave," he said.

"...Draco is your love child?" demanded Poppy, who was confused and distracted while Scourgifying Lupin's cardigan.

"Yes!" Severus said. "Lucius and I were sharing Narcissa! Draco was conceived when I was polyjuiced to look like my darling Lucius!" Severus sobbed again.

"Is it possible to Avada Kedavra yourself?" Draco asked.

At the instant Draco said "Avada Kedavra", Colin Creevey, who had awoken, sat up, and snapped a picture of the guilty group, fell over dead. Snape sighed in relief and pocketed his camera.

"Wait," said Lupin. "Lucius had you Polyjuice so you could look like HIM? So he could...fuck himself?"

"One shouldn't mock the kinks of the dead, Remus," Severus said. He stood. "I could really go for a pumpkin juice right about now. After all, I'm eating for five." McGonagall had looked increasingly green throughout this conversation, and at the mention of pumpkin juice, she promptly barfed up the Lucius-mouse, who was not quite dead yet.

"Father!" exclaimed Draco and picked up the mouse, squeezing it. "Pettigrew will be so pleased!"

"You're doing Pettigrew?" Severus said. "Why, man-ho!"

Lucius, whom Draco was squeezing rather too tightly, squeaked pitifully. "You're in no position to talk!" yelled Pomfrey.

"Oh, father," Draco said, "I'm so glad you're alive. Please please please send me to Durmstrang where the faculty is sane. Please!"

"Sane!" objected Snape. "That coward Karkaroff is there!" Dumbledore snorted as well, and Lucius squeaked pathetically.

A House-elf arrived carrying pumpkin juice for the expectant, er, mother, and Lupin said, "Well, I think we should drink a toast."

Minerva the cat jumped off Dumbledore's shoulder and became a woman again. "To the happy couple."

"Can someone fix my father, please?" Draco asked.

"You do it," Minerva said. "Extra credit."

Hesitantly Draco lifted his wand, but Lucius, terrified, scurried up Lupin's trouser leg to hide. Shrieking, Lupin began to do the Hamster Tarantallegra as Draco redirected his wand and uttered a transformation spell.

RIP! Lupin's pants split open as Lucius tumbled out, mostly restored, only with the ears of an elf. "Bloody hell, Lucius," Lupin said. "How many times do I have to tell you to stay out of my trousers?"

"Minerva?" Pomfrey said. "Darling, let's start over. Remember that stolen afternoon in Sprout's catnip patch?"

But Minerva was staring, astonished, at what had been revealed when Lupin's trousers split open. "Oh, MY," she said, taking two steps away from Dumbledore and smiling widely. "Now THAT is a Gryffindor!"

"Minerva!" Pomfrey said.

"Minerva!" Dumbledore said.

"What about my ears?" Lucius wailed.

"Why don't you get that bitch Pettigrew to fix them?" Severus said.

"But...but..." Remus said, backing away. "It could never work out, Minerva. You're a feline and I'm a lupine!"

"But that didn't stop you and Severus, did it?" asked McGonagall sweetly. "Not even his being a Slytherin kept him from wanting to have your wolf cubs. Maybe he was drawn to your big slithering snake." She reached for Lupin's crotch as he yelped.

Meanwhile, Dumbledore, who had set out to decrease the size of Lucius' ears, turned his reduction charm on Lupin in a fury instead. "NooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo! Not little John!" Severus howled.

"What about my ears!" Lucius said again.

"I like the way you look with elf ears. Sort of like that guy from Lord of the Rings only with less hair," replied Dumbledore. Lucius began to sob loudly, and Dumbledore swept past him to see whether he had done any real damage to Lupin.

"Why, it's ordinary now, not basilisk-sized," said McGonagall in disappointment. Severus, truth be told, was secretly relieved.

"Father?" Draco said. "Are we rich enough to afford my therapy after this?"

"Oh, just obliviate yourself again," Lucius said. He then tossed Severus over his shoulder and headed for the door. "The Board of Governors will hear about this, and, let me assure you, they will NOT be pleased!"

"Wait, put me down!" squealed Severus. "'s over between us! I'm with Remus now! I want to have his little wolf babies!" His lower lip trembled, and it was apparent to all that he would weep again.

"Ha!" Lucius said. "Ha, ha! Even with these ears I'm the prettiest of us all! And I want SOME compensation for being in McGonagall's gullet."

"Then go get Gilderoy Lockhart! He'd love to be your compensation!" exclaimed Lupin. "But Severus is mine! He says so! I say so!"

"Oh, Lockhart Schmockhart," Lucius said. "I want Severus."

"Lockhart's not that bad if you Silencio him first," Severus said, and then clapped a hand over his mouth.

"You man-ho!" shrieked Lucius, dropping Severus like a sack of mandrake roots.

Instantly Lupin rushed over to cuddle him. "My Sevvie! Are you all right, darling?" Draco quickly obliviated himself again.

"Come, Draco," Lucius said. "We're going to enroll you in Durmstrang now."

"Yippee!" Draco said.

Thoughtfully Dumbledore watched them go. "That boy has a real talent for memory charms," he noted, thinking that this might come in useful after the war with You-Know-Who.

McGonagall sighed slightly, for even though Lucius was an evil bastard and her heart belonged to Dumbledore, Pomfrey AND the Gryffindor with the biggest you-know-what, she had to admit that Lucius was really quite pretty. "It's too bad we didn't get the opportunity to turn Lucius into a stoat or vole, too," she lamented.

"Oh, Remus, I was so scared," Severus said.

"Oh, my poor darling Sevvie!" Remus said. Pomfrey went to the medicine chest and sneakily stuffed her bra full of catnip while everyone else was watching the touching scene on the floor.

Severus was sniffling softly. "Hormones," he said again. " saved me!" This reminded Dumbledore that Creevey was lying dead on the cot, and he quickly grabbed Minerva's Time-Turner to go back an hour and save him.

As Dumbledore disappeared, Pomfrey wandered casually towards Minerva. Minerva's nose twitched. Poppy gave her a come-hither look. Instantly Minerva dove towards Poppy's catnip-covered boobs, and the two of them fell onto one of the empty infirmary cots. Seeing that they were preoccupied, Lupin whispered, "Why don't we apparate out of here and go spend some alone time?"

"Oh, my darling," Severus said, "I thought you'd never ask!"

Soon they were happily ensconced in the dungeon, where Severus ate pickles and Lupin put on his collar and licked himself. And they lived happily ever after.