The first time Namjoon realizes how deep the cracks in Hoseok's image of happiness and seemingly never-ending joy truly run is the day they all pranked him for his birthday, playing videos of his family to an unsuspecting Hoseok. While some of them laughed softly like Yoongi did, or teared up like Taehyung and Jeongguk did, Namjoon only saw and heard Hoseok falling apart.
Hoseok has grown to become known as the member that exudes brightness and positivity in their group, always a comfort for the members and fans alike, but Namjoon often wondered how much of that is a farce because Hoseok wasn't like this before debut and he can't shake the feeling that being in Bangtan made him like this. It scares him that Hoseok might have built this armor in his effort to stay afloat with all their schedules, restrictions, and challenges that come in harsh words from everyone.
Namjoon tries to not think about it too much. He's awkward with everything that isn't performing on stage or writing music so when Hoseok cracks again while they're in the dorm alone, he doesn't know what to do.
They had been watching a variety show that Namjoon can't recall watching before, let alone having heard of it, but they had both been on their too-small-for-seven-boys couch watching quietly. It had taken a few minutes until Namjoon got bored and started dozing off but Hoseok started sniffling next to him and the sound jumped him out of his pre-slumber state.
"Hoseok?" His voice was gruff, thick with the traces of sleep that hadn't quite taken root yet.
The other had whimpered out, trying to contain himself but when Namjoon reached out an awkward hand to Hoseok's shoulder, the other had broken out into gasping sobs. The sounds tore at Namjoon's heart and the only thing he could think about was turning off the television, as if the stillness of the dorm would sooth the other down.
"What's wrong, Hoseok?" He was starting to feel scared and part of him wanted to call the other boys back from their escapade to an arcade they had gone to at Seokjin and Jeongguk's insistence.
"N-Namjoo-oon," Hoseok cried out, turning to Namjoon, and the glimpse he had gotten of Hoseok's tear-riddled face was enough for Namjoon to open his arms and accept his crying friend into them. It took some few minutes of crying until Hoseok was able to calm down and Namjoon felt it was safe to ask his question again.
"I-I don't know if I ca-can do this," Hoseok hiccuped in reply and Namjoon felt like he was blindsided.
He expected Hoseok to say he missed his mom, dad, or sister, something that they'd all felt and he could understand, but hearing the way his friend was clearly not going to put up his act of being fine shook him and whatever words he had been stringing together in his mind to comfort his friend with were gone, completely wiped away by Hoseok's sobbing. Namjoon doesn't know if this is only happening because he's the only one here but he wants to think it's more than that.
"Why do you think that?" He wants to tell Hoseok that he's wrong, that he can do this and pull through all the obstacles that come his way, but he can't spew nonsense at Hoseok when he's clearly not going to simply accept Namjoon's words and feel better again.
Hoseok presses his face into the crook of Namjoon's neck, lips barely a distance away from the skin there while his breath tickles against it and he feels as if his mind's starting to go down a path he knows he shouldn't at the moment. He's thought a lot about Hoseok, about Hoseok under him, skin slick and hair matted with their sweat while gasping out Namjoon's name. But, between their hectic schedules and hardly having any time to sleep, Namjoon doesn't truly entertain the thoughts for long anymore until he is now suddenly hyperaware of the way Hoseok is sitting across his thighs with weak arms wrapped around his neck.
"I'm so tired, Namjoon. Jimin and Taehyung get along so well there's never room for me, Jeongguk doesn't pay attention to me, Yoongi never bothers with me even when we work together, Seokjin only looks for me when we have chores to do, and you're always so busy I never get to talk to you. I feel so lonely even with all of you here." As if realizing what he's said, he quickly adds, "I don't hate you or any of the members. I really don't, I love you all, but I can't stop feeling so alone and I'm starting to wonder if I should have left earlier. Maybe all of you would have been better off with someone else? Remember that trainee that almost took Jimin's spot? I'm starting to think he would have been a better option than me."
Hoseok's rambling, Namjoon knows he's just ranting to him right now, but the words still make him feel like perhaps Hoseok has been so busy trying to feel like he belongs that he's missed the way they all care about him. Namjoon feels he's failed Hoseok in some way, that he wasn't able to be the leader and friend all the members often praise him to be during interviews. So he does the only thing he can think of doing: he hugs Hoseok closer.
"Bangtan would never be the same without you. We are a part of it just as much as you are and we would have all given up a long time ago if we didn't have you around with us. I know you're tired of all of this just like the rest of us are so I'll talk to the members about it and ask them to be more considerate. You don't have to feel alone when we're all here for you. All of us should support you as much as you do us. We really love you, Hoseok."
We, we, we. Namjoon wishes he could replace them for I, but he knows what he feels isn't something Hoseok will accept. Never has Hoseok shown even the most remote of interest in the same sex the way that Jimin sometimes does when he thinks nobody is really paying attention to him, or the way that Seokjin practically exudes an aura that makes men fall for him without their realizing it.
So he holds his tongue, swallowing down whatever words and feelings threaten to spill out of his mouth and instead waits for Hoseok to calm down.
"Thanks, Namjoon. I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby." Hoseok sniffles, pulling away with his hands roughly rubbing at his face in an attempt to compose himself in case the rest of the group comes back.
"I'm always here for when you need it, Hoseok."
"I know. Thank you," Hoseok says with a smile and Namjoon feels his heart twist from it.
- — - — - — - — -
After Hoseok had fallen asleep in Namjoon's lap that night, he had taken the sleeping member to his room, opting to leave him on his own bunk rather than Jeongguk's as it was the only other bunk relatively clean or clear of things in their dorm. Part of it also had to do with not wanting to see Hoseok fast asleep anywhere that Namjoon couldn't take care of him.
The members had returned an hour after Hoseok had curled up into the sheets and blankets of Namjoon's bed. Namjoon had quickly gathered them up to talk about the incident and his concerns regarding it. Some of them were surprised, others simply looked guilty as Namjoon tried to talk them into putting more effort in not only their relationship with Hoseok but with all the other members as well. They only have each other to truly depend on, after all.
All of the members, even Yoongi, surprisingly so, put in an extra effort to look after Hoseok and each other the next day. It was hard to break some bad habits, specially Jeongguk since Seokjin kept scolding him for ignoring people when they talked to him, but for the most part there was an improvement in the group and the mood lifted significantly even with their packed schedules. Namjoon didn't miss Hoseok's grateful smile and he found that was reward enough for all his efforts.
- — - — - — - — -
Everything was fine.
Or that's what Namjoon liked to tell himself.
Taehyung had recently made it his personal mission to annoy Hoseok every waking second of their schedules and free time. It was their day off and Taehyung had decided to play with Hoseok's still-sealed fan letters and hide them. It had made Hoseok furious and he had blown up at the younger for the first time in all the years they've known each other.
"I can't fucking believe you! Why are you such a pain in the ass lately?!," Hoseok screamed at the younger after he had finally found the letters hidden under Taehyung's mattress. "I don't get why you're so mean to me, what did I do to you?!"
Taehyung was gaping, not sure how to react to Hoseok when the older was so angry. Apart from Namjoon and Yoongi, none of the other members had truly seen their ever-cheerful member angry to the point of screaming and cursing at them. Even Jimin had cowered in a corner, not daring to move and almost at the brink of tears with the way Hoseok seemed to have morphed into someone they didn't know.
"Dude, chill the fuck out. The letters are fine," Yoongi tried to placate the other but he didn't chose the right words and only made Hoseok glare at him, arms still holding all his letters.
"You know what? I'm not even going to bother with you guys." Hoseok stormed off, not noticing the way Taehyung deflated and slumped onto the floor of his room.
"Give him some time," Yoongi sighed, sitting next to Jimin and patting the boy's leg to get him to calm down while Taehyung climbed onto the small bed and rested his head on Yoongi's lap, the older running his fingers through his brown hair as both of the members sniffled.
Hoseok was furious and he couldn't go anywhere since their manager had told them they were prohibited from leaving the dorm that afternoon. So, he did the next best thing and stormed into his shared room, striding to the still-sleeping leader and throwing himself onto the bed. It wasn't supposed to be funny but the way Namjoon flailed in mid-air made Hoseok burst into laughter, arms still holding all his letters as he watched the other look around, still slightly disoriented from being woken so abruptly.
"What the fuck?"
"Hi," Hoseok smiles and moves to his side, facing Namjoon while his hold on the letters remained tight.
"Uh, hi?" Namjoon isn't sure if he's dreaming or not but his heart is hammering away in his chest helps him realize he's indeed awake, against his will, but very much awake right now. "So... Why are you here? Mail delivery?"
Hoseok laughs, gathering up his letters into a neat pile he sets on the floor. "No, Namjoonie. Those are mine." During his pause, Hoseok sighs and at Namjoon's questioning raised eyebrow, he continues. "Taehyung hid them and I... Well, I kinda got mad."
"Oh..." Namjoon's sure the story must be interesting but he's so tired from having gotten back to the dorms at dawn and his eyes feel as if they weigh a ton in his effort to keep them open. "Sorry, but I'm so sleepy."
Before he can turn away completely, Namjoon wraps an arm over Hoseok and pulls the other closer to him. Hoseok tenses at first but when he hears the other snore, he chuckles and pats the blonde head of hair on his shoulder. Truthfully, he understands he overreacted but at the same time he knows that all the members are well-aware that his things and letters are sacred. Specially his letters.
I'll apologize later, he thinks and lets Namjoon's steady heartbeat against his own ribs lull him into a nap.
- — - — - — - — -
After Namjoon wakes up to face a wailing Taehyung and Jimin still visibly shaken in the living room, he realizes that they really were spooked with Hoseok's temper. It takes a while to get all of them calmed down, Jeongguk and Seokjin merely watching as they'd been in the shower and taking out the trash respectively during the actual confrontation. They were almost as lost as Namjoon felt. Hoseok apologized numerous times until Taheyung had hugged him and, although still crying, accepted the apology with a choked "Meanie" that Hoseok frowned at slightly.
Yet, less than ten minutes later, Taehyung was lying down on their living room floor and watching a movie he had picked out with the rest of the members tolerating the animated movie simply for the sake of peace after the chaotic afternoon.
When dinner had ended that night, the older members decided to go all out and buy some drinks, all of them in dire need for some release after Taehyung's meltdown. The three youngest members had begged and nearly cried that they should be able to drink but Seokjin wasn't hearing any of it and had sent them off to their room despite their protests. Jeongguk didn't seem to mind but Namjoon saw him glance at Yoongi in hopes he would say something in their defense. Luckily for Seokjin, Yoongi had missed the glance and was too busy counting out bills for the oldest to go buy their beer with.
"Why do I have to pay?," Yoongi groaned as he set down one last bill to total 45,000won in a neat pile. Beer wasn't terribly expensive but they could hold their alcohol pretty well save for Hoseok.
"Because you flaked out on your last two turns," Seokjin snapped and took the money, already dressed in his coat and heading to the door with Hoseok in tow. "We'll be back in a little while."
As the door closed behind them, Yoongi and Namjoon started talking about their tracks and the progress or setbacks they had been facing. They usually worked alone so it was always something they talked about seeing as they'd get too wrapped up in their own work to keep up with what the other was doing.
When Seokjin and Hoseok returned, both with bags of beer, street food, and snacks in their hands, Namjoon and Yoongi quickly cleared their table from the notebooks and stray sheets of paper they had littered it with during their absence.
Usually, they would let the younger ones drink juice with them, all of them enjoying a nice atmosphere of talking and joking around, but after Jeongguk and Jimin had gotten wasted and embarrassed their hyungs when their manager had arrived the next day, they didn't want to risk it again and instead delivered snacks and food to their rooms for them to eat.
By the time Yoongi was down to his fourth can, Seokjin was on his third and Namjoon on his fifth. Hoseok, though, was on his second and already falling asleep on Yoongi's shoulder.
"Ugh, why is he sitting next to me," Yoongi scowls at Hoseok's head until Namjoon gets up and eases the sleeping member away.
"I'll take him to our room."
"Yeah, yeah," Yoongi slurs out, waving both of them away as if dismissing them from his prescence.
Seokjin didn't react like he normally would, rushing to help Namjoon lead their member to a room, and this time merely watches and laughs when Namjoon trips over his own feet in an attempt to get Hoseok to walk.
Usually, Namjoon would settle Hoseok on his top bunk to avoid any extra trouble but he's too tired tonight and instead lets him fall onto Seokjin's bottom bunk, across the room from his own bed.
Yoongi knows that Namjoon has a pathetic crush on Hoseok though the older never bothers Namjoon about it and instead minds his own business. Seokjin knows as well but he never mentioned it again after Namjoon had answered his question about whether he meant "like" in a romantic way. It might not have been very wise for Namjoon to have said "Yes, I want to fuck him. Stop beating around the bush," but he couldn't think of a better way to answer the question Seokjin hadn't voiced but clearly wanted to ask.
Tonight, he doesn't have any plans for anything other than jerking off and falling asleep within the next ten minutes. When he peeks out into the living room and sees Jimin is knocking back a can of beer like there's no tomorrow, he can't bring himself to care that there's probably going to be a weird new stain on their couch by tomorrow morning courtesy of the predatory look on Yoongi's face. Deciding the couch's fate is already sealed, he instead closes the door and goes to fall back onto his bed to slip his pants and underwear off. Namjoon's not the only one with secrets here, after all.
Namjoon rarely sleeps completely naked but he's in a hurry tonight and doesn't want to fall asleep without enjoying some alone time since he's sure Seokjin is probably in the other room comforting a probably-still-upset Taehyung, Jeongguk surely already fast asleep, while Yoongi and Jimin don't seem to be in a hurry to go to sleep tonight. So Namjoon doesn't think twice about lying down on his bed and wrapping his hand around himself, twisting his hand as he strokes his cock in a desperate attempt to get off. He rarely needs anything to masturbate with, the simple memory of Hoseok panting and sweating at practice enough for his dick to grow painfully hard and start leaking precome. But tonight he doesn't want to deal with the mess so he pulls a condom he stashes under his mattress, opening the packet with his teeth while his hand quickly removes it and rolls it onto himself.
When Hoseok shifts on the other bed, Namjoon swears he's never moved so fast to pull a blanket over himself, afraid to have been caught in the act. But when the only sound that comes after that is Hoseok's soft snores, he relaxes and kicks the blanket down enough to get it off his busy hand.
He hasn't done this in a while and he's never tried to jerk himself off while the subject of his fantasies is merely across the room but it gets him so worked up he can't stop anymore. Namjoon knows that he's reached a brand new low when the possibility of Hoseok waking up and seeing him doesn't deter his movements anymore, sure that he'd gladly continue his furious stroking while Hoseok watched.
Closing his eyes at the mental image, Namjoon grips himself a little tighter to twist around the head of his cock, ear still alert to the sounds of Hoseok snoring across the room. He knows it's gross, that he shouldn't be getting off to his friend like this, but he's long come to the realization that he's been done for ever since he developed feelings for Hoseok. It takes one extra hard twist of his hand before he bursts into the condom, a soft groan escaping his mouth. "Sh-shit."
Namjoon never really feels better about himself for doing this but with limited resources and the helplessness he feels at times, this is the best he can do without risking putting a strain in his friendship with Hoseok.
- — - — - — - — -
It takes a month until Namjoon is able to finally get some peace and quiet in the dorm, the youngest all busy at school taking exams while Yoongi and Seokjin are busy either sleeping or watching some movies in the living room. At first Namjoon doesn't notice he hasn't seen Hoseok all day until he walks back into his room after a short call with their CEO and sees him lying down on Seokjin's bed reading a book. Namjoon doesn't really pay him much mind and instead decides to try and get some sleep in since he's hardly gotten anything over two hours in random spurts throughout the last couple days.
As he settles into his blankets, arm already tucked under his pillow and facing his still-reading friend, Namjoon watches him with a soft smile on his face. Whenever Hoseok reads, his eyebrows furrow slightly and he keeps running his hands through his hair or fiddling with it. Truthfully, Namjoon never takes too long falling asleep when he's near Hoseok.
While he's starting to feel his eyelids grow heavy, Hoseok glances at him and smiles softly. If he weren't so tired he would have responded with a bright smile but instead falls asleep with the image of Hoseok looking at him fondly.
- — - — - — - — -
When he wakes up one morning, the first thing Namjoon notices is a head of light brown hair under his nose. At first he thinks it might be Taehyung with a new hair color but when he blinks his eyes to focus he realizes it's not only a person next to him in an innocent nap. There's a hand in his shirt, fingers splayed over his waist and soft breath against his chest, his loose-fitting shirt not providing much cover since it's now stretched awkwardly and stuck under the side he's lying on. The hand feels startlingly hot, almost like he's getting it branded onto his skin.
Namjoon tries inching away but there's a soft whine as he's hugged tighter and Namjoon curses whatever made Hoseok sleep next to him. Wasn't he perfectly fine on any empty bed? What about his own bunk? It's not like he doesn't have a bed right over Seokjin's so there really isn't a reason Namjoon can think about to explain why he's currently lying in bed with the subject of his internal turmoil asleep against him while there's a raging boner in his shorts.
Cursing his luck, Namjoon rubs a hand over his face, trying to calm down and find a way out of this predicament. Sighing, he feels Hoseok shift next to him, hand traveling higher up to his back and making him bite back a groan.
Suddenly, he hears talking in the hallway and the urge to cry hits him hard. If anyone walks in it won't be that weird to see them asleep together, he's been asleep next to Taehyung (and with the younger's hand innocently shoved into his shorts) but everyone knows how touchy Taehyung is and never really questioned anything. But Hoseok is different.
Hoseok touches the members, yes, but it's always when they're all messing around or have to put on some kind of act for the cameras. Hoseok knows what fans want and he gives it freely, never thinking twice about hugging Taehyung from behind or pinching Jimin's cheeks. But whenever they're in the dorms doing whatever they please during their short hours of free time, he's always a little reserved. It isn't exaggeratedly so, he simply doesn't bother anyone other than yell around the dorm for someone to clean up something.
Reaching down for the blanket to pull it over both their bodies and cover up whatever could be seen, Namjoon settles down against Hoseok and, just as the door opens, quickly closes his eyes and prays to every god out there that the person leaves.
"Oh, they're asleep. Let's just bring them back food?"
It's Jimin, whispering though he's doing an awful job at keeping his voice down. Taehyung replies with a "Good idea," and they quietly shut the door. Namjoon exhales a breath he didn't know he had been holding.
Hoseok hasn't stirred and Namjoon is tempted to touch the other's face and trace his fingertips over the skin to burn it all into his memory while he has the chance to do so but he thinks that's creepy and instead takes in Hoseok's sleeping face. Hoseok's lips are in a slight pout and the furrow in his eyebrows barely make a wrinkle on his forehead.
Truthfully, Namjoon doesn't know when exactly he fell for Hoseok. It's been so long now he honestly can't remember a time where he didn't love Hoseok, where he didn't ache for something he knew he wouldn't be getting. Hoseok had dated a couple girls during their trainee years, all of the girls seemed like polar opposites of Namjoon: lively, free-spirited, cheerful, and... girls. He used to try and not think about it a lot, would try not to think about how Hoseok would look like as he made love to them, or that the girls could give Hoseok what he wanted when Namjoon could never do that.
As he tries to think of a way to get off the bed without waking Hoseok, the other's hand slides over his back from under his shirt, quickly moving down to rest against the small of it in a way that leaves Namjoon shivering from the sensation. Cursing his luck once again, Namjoon notes that his dick is now starting to grow harder, heat pooling in his stomach as Hoseok's breath tickles against the skin of his neck.
If there's a Hell, it's here, Namjoon thinks as he tries to shift away from Hoseok, fearing that the other will wake up to a rather rude awakening of not only Namjoon trying desperately to get away from him but a tent in the leader's shorts that he would likely not want to hear any sort of explanation for. So Namjoon tries to move and he thinks he's made it until his sweaty palm slips over his bedsheets and he falls directly on top of Hoseok, the other groaning at the weight over his ribcage.
"Shit. Sorry, Hoseok. Just go back to sleep."
Hoseok's eyes crack open, pout still in place and the furrow in his eyebrows even deeper as he tries to make sense of what Namjoon said. Before he can really react, Namjoon tries to slide off of him and Hoseok is sure he felt something rub against his thigh that he shouldn't have because Namjoon surely wouldn't...
As he confusedly watches Namjoon shift away from him, Hoseok catches a glimpse at what he thought he felt only to see that it indeed is Namjoon's dick making a tent in his shorts. Suddenly embarrassed, Hoseok flushes and before he can avoid it he looks straight into Namjoon's eyes and watches as the other all but crumbles in front of him.
Hoseok's mind is already spinning by the time Namjoon manages to scoot to the foot of the bed but, not really giving himself a chance to truly think things through, Hoseok sits up and quickly grabs onto Namjoon's wrist and holds him in place.
"Is... Is that because of... me?"
Flushing furiously and sure that he's about to catch fire with even the slightest breath, Namjoon's lips go into a thin line as he nods ever so slightly.
Namjoon quickly glances at Hoseok, suddenly feeling like this is more than wrong; this is devastating. He never wanted to tell Hoseok, would have rather carried this affection with him to his grave than see the slight disappointment in his friend's eyes. Hanging his head, Namjoon mumbles a quick "Years."
Trying to blink and gain some sort of clearer mind with the action, Hoseok belatedly realizes he hasn't let go of Namjoon's hand and rather than let go like his mind tells him to, he holds on tighter and Namjoon stares down at the contact. "Why didn't you say anything?"
Namjoon smiles but it carries so much sadness Hoseok can only stare in shock and helplessness. He doesn't know what to say but before he can attempt to string anything together, Namjoon speaks though his voice is strained from emotions Hoseok can't decipher. "It wouldn't have changed anything. It's really okay, Hoseok. I never wanted to burden you with my feelings and I'm really sorry you had to learn about it like this... Not the most classy situation to be in when talking to someone about how you feel about them..."
Grip tightening on Namjoon's wrist, Hoseok suddenly remembers everything. How Namjoon would go on double-dates with him, how Namjoon would always listen to him rant about his girlfriends, how Namjoon would always be the first one to catch him whenever he fucked up, how Namjoon never asked him for anything in return during all their years of friendship and support troughout their horrifying trainee years.
Namjoon watches as Hoseok connects the dots, notices how Hoseok's shocked expression turns to what seems like one of heartbreak. He smiles, pulling his wrist out of Hoseok's slackened grip. "That's why I didn't want to tell you anything."
Standing from the bed, Namjoon doesn't look back at Hoseok but continues. "I don't want you to feel awkward around me. I've never changed how I am around you because of my feelings and I hope you can give me a little space while I figure everything out. I'm really sorry you had to wake up to this."
- — - — - — - — -
Two months later and Namjoon still can't bring himself to be anywhere near Hoseok. The hesitance is the same on Hoseok's part though not for the same reasons.
Namjoon is awkward with him now and it had started almost unnoticeably. Whenever they'd have to do interviews or talk for backstage cameras, Namjoon would always make sure he'd be with anyone but Hoseok. And when Hoseok almost forgets their awkward tension and tries to reach out to Namjoon at a backstage interview, the way his friend doesn't quite react the same way anymore shocks him back to their present situation. Although he tried to dissipate the tension, it had continued with a simple thing like asking Namjoon to pass him the giant cider bottle so he could pour himself some during dinner. Namjoon had hesitated and glanced at Yoongi in a silent cry for help whom had rolled his eyes but passed the giant bottle to Hoseok.
And that's another thing that doesn't sit well with Hoseok. Why did Yoongi know? How much did Yoongi know? And, why Yoongi?
Hoseok knows that he probably put Namjoon through hell and back almost on a daily basis, remembering how they'd often find themselves splayed out on the floor of the practice room with half of his body over Namjoon's lap or back during breaks. But Hoseok had only seen it as casual skinship with the one person he felt comfortable doing it with; nothing more, nothing less.
He can't suddenly develop feelings for Namjoon, he knows that much, and he certainly hasn't really thought about a guy in a sexual manner. Although, truthfully he had secretly taught Taehyung how to kiss after their Rookie King disaster; taking a bit of an advantage of their weird situation to get some much needed release. They never did anything more than kiss and Hoseok might have had to take care of himself when Taehyung grew too skilled, but they have long since given up their lessons and Taehyung had remained his usual self so Hoseok never really thought about it again. But with the revelation of Namjoon's feelings for him, he starts wondering how it would feel to kiss him.
The curiosity remains and although Namjoon doesn't talk to him specifically, Hoseok always watches his lips during interviews or group meetings; memorizing the way they part when he speaks, how they curve up into soft smiles when politely listening to questions, how they purse when he tries to think of the right words for his answers, how they move when they say specific words, and the way his tongue will glide over them although they'll always be a little too dry, a barely-there chapped look.
So, two months and a week into their new tension of their relationship, where they're both at least slightly interested but fear to be the first to do anything, Hoseok makes up his mind.
He finds himself in the studio working on his mixtape for what feels like the thousandth time that week alone and lets himself think about Namjoon. He thinks about all the times Namjoon would help him get better at rapping, or how Namjoon would always make sure he's doing alright and isn't wearing himself out too much with a gesture as simple a text while he'd be in the practice room nearly falling apart at the seams from how hard he would push himself.
Namjoon has always cared a little more than he took the time to notice and Hoseok wonders what it is that Namjoon even likes about him. He isn't good-looking like Seokjin or Taehyung are, he isn't that great of a singer like Jeongguk, he's not in the same level that Yoongi is in terms of music and rapping skills, and he's definitely not as charming as Jimin is. Sure, he dances well, he isn't going to deny that since it was his talent got him a foot into the entertainment industry, but what else?
For Hoseok, Namjoon is like a role model in a way. Whenever he could, he would watch Namjoon while he worked on his tracks, mesmerized with the way words seem to flow effortlessly from his pen to his notepad. Hoseok's tried to do the same but he can never feel the inspiration the way he sees Namjoon does.
Sighing, Hoseok fiddles with his phone after taking a glance at his pitiful progress on the computer's monitor. Part of him wants to text Namjoon to come in and give his work a listen and provide him any sort of feedback or criticism. Yet, they haven't texted each other even once during this entire tension in their friendship. But Hoseok isn't one to sit by and let things happen on their own without putting effort on his part. Namjoon has done enough and he feels that it's his turn to honestly consider how he feels about not only Namjoon, but the fact that his best friend has romantic feelings for him.
Hoseok isn't bothered that a man likes him. There had been a previous occasion where he knew of a guy that liked him, but apart from gaining said knowledge nothing ever happened and the guy had never even confessed to him so Hoseok had simply forgotten about everything. With Namjoon, though, he feels more of a need to know more. Namjoon has been there for him through thick and thin over the last few years and was often the only person that could physically provide him the support he so desperately needed and it feels entirely too unfair to not really consider the situation he's in at the moment.
As he contemplates what to do from this point onwards, the door of the studio opens and with the way he hears the person hit his foot with it, he doesn't have to look to know it's Namjoon.
"Oh, sorry. I thought it was empty today," Namjoon mumbles. Hoseok leans back in the chair, looking at Namjoon as he spins away from his monitor enough to look at the other.
"It's alright. Actually, I wanted to talk to you."
Namjoon visibly tenses and Hoseok wonders how horrible Namjoon must feel right now. He didn't mean to drag this out but he also doesn't want to let things stay as they are because he didn't put any thought into this. When Namjoon doesn't make a move to sit anywhere, Hoseok chuckles and shakes his head. "Sit down, Namjoon. I'm not going to yell at you or anything."
The problem with sitting down in the studio is that the only other seat available is right next to Hoseok. There isn't enough room in this tiny studio Hoseok shares with Jeongguk and Taehyung so they hardly saw it necessary to try and squeeze anything like a couch in when they wouldn't be able to actually enjoy it. Steeling himself, Namjoon discreetly pulls the chair away from Hoseok and settles onto it.
"Well, I don't want to beat around the bush so I'm going to get straight to the point," Hoseok starts. Namjoon stares at a random spot on the desk but Hoseok takes it as a sign to continue. "I don't know if I can return your feelings right now but I want to ask you for a favor first before I give you my answer."
Namjoon glances at him again and Hoseok wishes he wouldn't look so adorably pitiful at the moment. Namjoon's wearing some random t-shirt Hoseok is almost certain is actually Taehyung's, a pair of black sweatpants and sneakers while a snapback sweeps his hair out of his face.
"What is it?," Namjoon asks in a small voice, anxiousness practically spilling form his mouth and filling the tiny studio.
"Kiss me," Hoseok states, arm perched on the edge of the desk and holding his head up. Namjoon doesn't react immediately and Hoseok knows he's trying to figure out what the catch is. With a soft smile, Hoseok continues, "I can't reject you when I'm not even sure if I like you that way or not. So, I want to try this first to think it over."
"Uh, well, I don't mind... but I kind of do," Namjoon says as he rubs the back of his neck.
Hoseok hums in reply, already knowing that Namjoon wouldn't simply crawl over to him and risk not only their friendship but an entire bond over something that could be overwhelmingly wrong in every sense and face the possibility of Hoseok shoving him away both physically and emotionally.
"I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not taking this lightly. I just don't see why I should freak out either when I'm not upset at you nor am I disgusted. I am a little curious, though. So, do you wanna try or do you want to live with 'what if's haunting you? I mean, maybe it might help you write a song for all I know," he ends with a soft chuckle that Namjoon rolls his eyes at.
At least we've established we can still joke around with each other, Namjoon thinks to himself.
"I don't want you to regret this later," Namjoon sighs and sits back in his chair as he shifts around in nervousness. His heart is racing at an alarming pace but he knows he can't keep his mouth shut about something as important as this.
"I won't. I will regret letting you try and talk me out of this if you keep drawing this out, though."
Sighing, Namjoon finally turns to look straight into Hoseok's eyes. "Fine, but I'm not entirely okay with being your sexual identity guinea pig."
Hoseok laughs, bright and beautiful like always, and it leaves Namjoon feeling a little dizzy. "I'm not experimenting with you, Namjoon! I know I want to try this and I've kissed a guy before although it wasn't anything like this."
Furrowing his brows at Namjoon's exaggerated shock, Hoseok shakes his head. "Such little faith in me... Come on! Let's get this over with. I'm tired of thinking so much and you're obviously going to work on something."
When Namjoon doesn't budge and only shifts uncomfortably in his chair, Hoseok sighs and stands, taking two quick steps to Namjoon and quickly bringing their lips together. Namjoon's shocked and his gasp in surprise only gives Hoseok the perfect opportunity to taste him with short, quick licks into his mouth. While he knew Namjoon's lips look chapped, Hoseok's surprised they don't actually feel that chapped. They're irresistibly plump and overall smooth against his own, tasting slightly like a citrus candy he always sees Namjoon eating. It takes a few seconds of their slow kissing, Namjoon's mind still spinning and not quite able to keep up with Hoseok, but they find a perfect pace right as Hoseok pulls away.
Hoseok smiles at the way Namjoon tries to follow his lips for the smallest fraction of a second, the blonde's eyes closing and slowly fluttering open to look up at him. There are so many questions swimming in Namjoon's eyes and Hoseok has to keep from staring too long in fear that he'll only make them multiply under his gaze and instead stares at Namjoon's lips, glistening with a slight shine left behind by his tongue.
The kiss was nothing short of amazing. Although he did it mostly to see if there's actually a spark between them, Hoseok realizes that there isn't exactly a spark but more of a hypnotizing warmth that draws him in. And when Namjoon licks his lips, Hoseok crashes their lips together again, Namjoon's hands already finding purchase on Hoseok's hips and guiding him to sit on his lap. He had been so wrapped up in kissing Namjoon that Hoseok hadn't noticed the weird and uncomfortable of angle he was in.
He gives a slight hum of thanks and Namjoon licks into his mouth in reply, making Hoseok gasp when he feels the wet heat of the welcome invasion.
This was only supposed to be a quick kiss, Hoseok thinks as his hands make their way to Namjoon's hair to remove the snapback, tossing it onto the desk and finally feel the strands of hair running between his fingers. Namjoon's head falls back, eyes closed at the sensation, and Hoseok latches onto the other's neck to nibble and suck at the skin there. He doesn't want to leave marks that are too dark in fear that Namjoon would be scolded for it and instead busies himself by running his hands down Namjoon's torso, nails catching slightly at the fabric and making the other's back arch away from the chair to get more of the sensation.
Namjoon still doesn't quite understand what's happening, why Hoseok seems so into this, but when he feels the other's ass grind down against him, all rationality flies out of his mind as he moans against Hoseok's neck, the other busy taking quick breaths as hands glide into Namjoon's shirt. He honestly doesn't know what Hoseok is doing, if this is turning into a one-time thing courtesy of both their needs to get some much needed relief or listen to his blind hope that this will be the start of them. But he's enjoying this far too muchThe last time Namjoon had sex with someone else was during trainee years where he might have fucked a trainee stupid in a bathroom stall from the way the other had seemed to have lost all ability to form coherent words, his body completely wrecked even as he had watched Namjoon leave the building half an hour later. He still feels a little bad about that. Maybe he should make an effort to check if the guy's still alive.
When Hoseok starts grinding down with slow and fluid movements, Namjoon comes back to the present and grips at his hips, making the other stop mid-grind.
"What?" Hoseok sounds so incredibly aroused it goes straight to Namjoon's crotch but he forges on.
"What are we doing?," he asks in a tone that comes out more concerned than he thought he was and stares straight into Hoseok's half-lidded eyes.
Hoseok seems to think it through for a grand maximum of three seconds before answering. "I'm not sure but I like it."
Namjoon snorts and shakes his head as he tries to push Hoseok off him to no avail, giving up but not taking his hands off of the other's hips. "Yeah, well, I think we should stop."
"Why?," Hoseok asks, hips going back to their previous activity and making Namjoon bite back a moan when the other scoots forward, causing friction directly over his cock struggling to break free from its confines.
"Because I don't want to do this if you don't like me back."
Hoseok notices the hesitance in Namjoon's voice and he understands it, he really does, but he isn't doing this without consideration to both what Namjoon and he want. Stilling, Hoseok looks down at Namjoon as he tries to get his thoughts straight, watching and finally understanding the way that Namjoon looks at him. "I want to try this. I might not be feeling emotions the same way you are but I don't want to lose you either. I know that either I try or we end up losing our friendship."
"We won't lose our friend—"
"We will, Namjoon," Hoseok sighs as his eyes trace over Namjoon's face, hating how the other had been preparing to let go long before Hoseok had even decided anything. "You can't expect people that either like or reject each other to stay the same after a confession... Or, well, seeing their friend with a boner during the entire confession."
He expects Namjoon to perhaps blush or laugh, but when the only thing Namjoon does is rest his forehead against his chest, he doesn't know what to say.
"I really like you Hoseok," Namjoon whispers as his arms wrap around Hoseok, hoping that neither of them end up regretting this.
- — - — - — - — -
Namjoon isn't sure why Hoseok was in such a hurry to do anything because as soon as they settle that they aren't technically exclusive but also will see each other as much as possible, they fall into a routine where Hoseok tends to be near Namjoon whenever they can sneak away together.
Their routine isn't entirely new, they had always been close and liked spending time together so none of the other members notice nor point out their behavior as strange. Yoongi does give Namjoon rather cocky smirks that leave him feeling slightly disturbed but he knows Yoongi's fucking around with Jimin and Namjoon always rolls his eyes before glancing at Jimin in reply, a silent threat that he also knows of a few secrets and effectively gaining a silent pledge of secrecy from the older. But their situation is nice and Namjoon feels like this could be enough, that he could gladly stay in this limbo where Hoseok is practically attached to him.
They've taken to spending more time together though it was almost frightening for Namjoon at first, suddenly paranoid that a bright red 'I'm fucking around with Hoseok' was stamped onto his forehead for everyone to see. They try to not be together to the point that others notice because although Namjoon and Hoseok have been close friends for a while, they never spent time together to the point that they are now.
When the rest of the members would be filing into their rooms to sleep for the night, they would take the short time alone to sit together on the couch and simply enjoy each other's presence. Hoseok would still play around with the younger members during practice breaks or backstage stand-by's, but noticed that Namjoon would always be watching in some way. And he would glance at Namjoon, almost always startling the other when he realized he'd be caught staring. But Hoseok would smile, never feeling bothered or annoyed by the obvious attention.
So when Namjoon finds himself in his seat inside his small studio a week later with Hoseok on his lap and hardly letting him breathe from how thoroughly he's being kissed, hands roaming their chests once they'd gotten both their shirts off, he has to wonder where his rationality went because this is treading dangerous territory quickly. Hoseok, on the other hand, seems to be completely content with growing familiar with every inch of Namjoon as his fingertips glide over his chest and stomach where slightly toned muscles are present.
The sensation and knowledge of Hoseok's hands touching him is enough for Namjoon's mind to start reeling as it struggles to figure out how far he's willing to let this go. It's overwhelming that Hoseok is approaching him an honest and open mind, not wanting to jump into things but also still being honestly curious about this.
As Hoseok mouths at Namjoon's neck, he hears Namjoon's breath stutter and it makes him smile against the skin before moving to kiss down the other's chest. Hoseok thinks that out of all of the members, Namjoon might have the best body. He has amazing hands that feel even better when against his skin, a chest that makes Hoseok wonder how many people have gotten to see it over them, and a neck that begs to be sucked, bitten, and bruised. All of Namjoon seems like a well thought-out masterpiece and if the way the tent in his pants is standing high and proud is anything to go by, there are far greater things left for him to discover.
"Hoseok," Namjoon groans out when the other sucks hardly at one of his nipples, leaving it overly sensitive to the air in the studio. When Hoseok merely hums against his skin, teeth and tongue working in unison to leave a bruise on his chest Namjoon's sure will be there for a while. "God, slow down."
"Don't wanna, I waited long enough," Hoseok says breathily, kissing Namjoon on the lips before standing and pulling the other up with him.
While Namjoon doesn't particularly hate that Hoseok is apparently so excited about this, he does feel hesitant about being in the studio and risking being heard. Hoseok either notices or doesn't really think too much as he sets the computer to play some music, the loud bass enough to make the desk shake slightly from the speakers blaring on it.
Smiling, Hoseok pulls Namjoon towards him as he settles onto the desk. "I've been wanting to do this for a while."
Puzzled, Namjoon raises a brow at Hoseok that the other laughs at.
"I've always wanted to get kinky in here," Hoseok laughs again and Namjoon can't help but laugh as well.
"Well, glad I could help?"
Hoseok hooks his fingers into the loops on Namjoon's jeans, pulling him closer and wrapping his legs around the other's hips. "I'm glad it's you, Namjoon."
"What do you mean?," Namjoon whispers, though the music is proving to be loud enough that nobody could possibly overhear their conversation even if they were to stick their head into the room.
"I wouldn't risk everything for anyone else," Hoseok whispers, lips hardly an inch away from Namjoon's.
The words pierce straight through Namjoon's heart and although he feels incredibly stupid for it, he hides his face against Hoseok's chest, hoping the other doesn't notice he's practically a second away from crying. It's been so many years of him pining for Hoseok, of watching over him, always trying his best to make sure Hoseok is doing well, fighting against thoughts that would invade his mind at late hours when his only company would be a computer screen. The wave of memories of past members being eliminated or leaving the group haunted him after meeting Hoseok and although he knew Hoseok was too good for their CEO to drop, the fear still ate him alive at the time. Hearing these words makes him feel like he's gotten home after a long and tiring trek through mountains, leaving him worn down to the bone as he's welcomed to a warmth he had only been able to vaguely imagine.
Hoseok doesn't know how Namjoon does it, how he falls in love by himself and puts himself at the mercy of another person that could easily turn him down and call him some sort of freak, ending a friendship that has gotten both of them through trainee years and the daily struggles of an idol life.
Hoseok's hands seem to not know what to do and the uncertainty evident in their stillness makes Namjoon chuckle, though Hoseok doesn't hear it. Figuring there's nothing he'd rather be doing at the moment, Namjoon takes a breath to calm himself before continuing their kiss, hands going to Hoseok's thighs. Hoseok is wearing a pair of tracksuit pants, likely to be Taehyung's from the way they're slightly long on him, but they look so great against his thighs that Namjoon can't help the way his hands run up and over the material. Before he realizes what he's really done, Namjoon lets his fingertips trace to the inside of Hoseok's thighs, the other gasping against his neck as hands scrabble for purchase on his shoulders.
Taking it for a sign of a bright green for 'Go,' Namjoon brings their lips together, marveling at how perfectly they fit against each other, Hoseok's lips plush and wet as he gasps against Namjoon's. As his hands travel further up Hoseok's thighs, he feels Hoseok's hips lift in an effort to find attention and, taking a quick glance down between them, Namjoon positively growls at the way Hoseok is so aroused.
"God, just fucking touch me," Hoseok pants, hands finally moving to Namjoon's chest and running over every inch of skin he can.
Namjoon's always thought that Hoseok cursing is probably the hottest thing his ears have ever been graced with. It's such a stark contrast to the image he has of this bright, bubbly, and almost innocent young man and it makes Namjoon want to make Hoseok realize he doesn't need to keep up the act up.
He seems to take too long to do anything more because suddenly there are long thin fingers in his pants, trying to decide if they're really going to go through with touching Namjoon. It makes Namjoon chuckle and this time Hoseok hears it and it earns him a slap at an arm.
"Don't laugh at me! This is still new, dammit!," Hoseok glares, cheeks red and hair completely ruined. It looks so adorable to Namjoon he can't help the "Cute" he lets out as he finally makes a move to slide Hoseok's remaining clothes off.
They've never talked about this, who would be top, how far they're willing to go, or what they're comfortable with. Namjoon only gets to hesitate for a second before Hoseok hastily kicks his tracksuit pants along with his underwear off. They both know he's embarrassed, seeing each other naked in the shower is different from being naked in front of someone you're sort of a step away from dating, but Namjoon pulls his own pants down as well. Deciding it's a little too soon to force Hoseok to see him completely naked, Namjoon hesitates at his boxers, watching Hoseok for any sign of discomfort but when he sees none he starts sliding the garment down.
Hoseok's breath hitches, he's never seen Namjoon aroused and it's an entirely different experience from when they're showering though he's only shared showers with the other a handful of times. It's obvious why now that he knows everything but the shock at how big and thick Namjoon is doesn't fade. Namjoon seems a little self-conscious from Hoseok's unintentional staring and nearly covers himself with his hands until Hoseok pulls him back towards the table, still perched on it and completely naked himself.
"You're big," Hoseok states, still staring at Namjoon's length.
Namjoon's glad Hoseok hasn't looked up at his face yet because there's an unbearable amount of heat on his skin and that can only mean his face is practically on fire at the moment. "Uh... yeah..."
It seems Hoseok is considering backing out, the stretch of silence making Namjoon think they're really going far too fast. He's about to suggest they forget this and do something else, that this could wait, but Hoseok seems to move before he can string his words together. At first it's a hesitant hand moving towards his cock. Namjoon thinks it's a little cute how Hoseok doesn't know what to touch or where to put his hands.
"Can I... Can I touch?," Hoseok asks, looking up at Namjoon with an expression of uncertainty though his eyes give away his curiosity.
Nodding, Namjoon keeps still as Hoseok tentatively reaches out a hand, first settling over his hip and then letting his fingertips glide over his bare skin towards his pubic area. Namjoon's breath hitches and it startles Hoseok at first, whom looks up at him worriedly but Namjoon just chuckles and shakes his head. "It's alright, feels good."
Hoseok blushes and looks away with a slight smile, letting his fingers travel down to the trimmed hairs leading to Namjoon's still-erect cock. Truthfully, he's a little scared of making the final plunge into this new and foreign world. Slowly, as if fearing he'll hurt Namjoon, Hoseok wraps his hand around the other's length. Namjoon sighs, leaning forward to rest his head on Hoseok's shoulder as he tries to keep from coming.
He doesn't know what he's doing, has only a faint idea of what he should do, but Hoseok starts stroking Namjoon. It's a little odd, he thinks with a slight chuckle he disguises as an attempt to clear his throat. The only other time he's ever touched another guy's dick had been when he accidentally pulled on a classmate's during a game of soccer when they had crashed into each other. It wasn't his proudest moment and it had earned him a couple months of teasing for it.
Namjoon's cock isn't gross or anything, though he does find it a little overwhelming when he starts thinking about having it inside himself. Catching himself and his current train of thought, Hoseok flushes an even brighter shade of red that he can feel bloom on his ears as well. Maybe it's the air in the tiny room, maybe he's really turned on, or perhaps it's his curiosity getting the best of him but when he grips tighter and twists his hand, Namjoon moans against his neck and Hoseok's heart starts racing.
"G-God," Namjoon gasps out, mind still trying to catch up to the way Hoseok's now jerking him off to a nice speed and a brilliant grip. He leans back slightly to look at the other but Hoseok's eyes are closed and he's licking his lips as his hips start inching back on the desk.
Stopping him before he knocks into anything, Namjoon holds Hoseok in place and lets his hands trail over Hoseok's waist. Hoseok's skin glistens with a light sheen of sweat, their proximity and the confined space making it a little too warm and it's slick enough for Namjoon to want to lean in and kiss at whatever skin he can. When his lips make contact with Hoseok's neck, the other gasps and jolts slightly in surprise. He's about to stop but one of Hoseok's hands makes its way to Namjoon's hair, pulling him in for a kiss.
It's hot, it's so fucking hot, but Namjoon thinks he's content to be sweating his ass off with Hoseok's mouth against his, tongues and breaths mixing and leaving him intoxicated. It's frenzied, for some reason Hoseok seems to be desperate for more and although he wants to take things slowly, Namjoon can't help but get carried away with the other's pace.
Hoseok's hand stills on his length and Namjoon wonders what's wrong, if perhaps he's been careless and missed a sign of discomfort, but when he glances at the other he sees Hoseok looking down between them curiously, head tilted slightly and bottom lip caught between his teeth. He's about to ask what the problem is when Hoseok speaks up.
"You're... leaking on me."
Glancing at Hoseok's pants, Namjoon sees that he has indeed gotten Hoseok's thigh wet with his precome. For some reason he's suddenly embarrassed and he tries to move away but the other holds onto his hips, one hand slightly damp from his arousal and almost making Namjoon shy away from the touch because it feels sticky. "Don't. Do me too?," Hoseok whispers, looking Namjoon straight in the eye and inching forward.
If he was supposed to be given a chance to turn down the whole thing, Namjoon doesn't know when exactly he was supposed to say anything because Hoseok's kissing him in such desperation he can hardly catch his breath. So he does as Hoseok wants, mostly because the other pulled his hands towards his cock, practically giving the no other choice.
So much for being sweet and romantic, Namjoon thinks amusedly as Hoseok turns his attention to kiss and bite at Namjoon's neck and collarbones. If he could have done things how he had dreamt about for so many years, they would have gone to a nice dinner, a couple dates to movies, an amusement park, and maybe a trip to a zoo or something similar. But instead he's now feeling Hoseok's thighs up with sweaty hands.
Hoseok looks down between them, prompting Namjoon to touch him when their gazes connect again. It's a little uncomfortable, the speakers are still blaring music, now some random playlist of dubstep they'd been using as inspiration for beats, and the air is becoming a little stifling. But Namjoon gently runs his hands up, over, and down Hoseok's thighs before kneading them with a little more determination.
When one of his hands finally makes contact with Hoseok's length, the other lets out a moan against Namjoon's sweat-slicked neck and the warm breath makes Namjoon's cock pulse. It's not particularly funny but Hoseok chuckles at the sight of it and wraps his arms around Namjoon's neck.
The action is so natural it makes Namjoon's heart twist inside his chest. He never particularly wanted to do anything sexual with Hoseok, not that he's complaining right now, but these small and simple gestures are what truly make him realize how deep he's fallen for Hoseok. It's a little overwhelming, that the person he's been looking at this entire time is finally looking a him too and although it isn't exactly the same way he looks at Hoseok, at least Hoseok is trying and seems to be enjoying all of the attention and affection Namjoon pours out onto him.
"I love you," Namjoon whispers, hoping that perhaps Hoseok hasn't heard him over the music.
Hoseok doesn't reply and Namjoon assumes he hasn't been heard and lets out a sigh of relief before crashing their lips together again. Hoseok lets himself be taken under the endless waves of affection, of love, radiating off of Namjoon and he can feel tears sting at the back of his eyes.
It's a mix of embarrassment and regret for not noticing Namjoon's feelings before now that he can practically pinpoint what each of Namjoon's gazes mean. It feels like such a waste to have spent these past years worrying about girls that never quite committed to him and couldn't move past the fact that he put his dreams before them every single time the same arguments came up. He knows Namjoon is the same, that his dream means just as much, if not more, than his and it's a relief to know someone so passionate, honest, dedicated, and still incredibly in love with him thinks he's worth the effort.
When Namjoon's thumb swipes over the tip of his cock, Hoseok's breath gets caught in his throat and his vision is swimming with stars at the practically electrifying sensation running through his entire body.
"Scoot forward," Namjoon whispers against his ear, making Hoseok's hand reach out to grip onto his arm to anchor him and keep him from falling into the mindless ocean of pleasure threatening to drown him. As soon as he manages to shift forward, ass nearly off the desk, Namjoon kisses his neck, lips making their way down Hoseok's body and giving him a much needed break from the constant kisses and tongue pressed against his mouth.
Namjoon sucks at his nipple and Hoseok jolts at the sensation. It's new, he's never felt this before and he's not entirely sure if he likes it yet. But when Namjoon moves towards the other nipple and sucks on it, Hoseok lets out such a loud moan that it startles him.
"Left nipple it is," Namjoon says as he chuckles against Hoseok's stomach, tongue swirling and licking at the skin there.
Hoseok wants to protest or whine but Namjoon's breath suddenly falls on his cock and whatever control he had over his body is gone as his toes curl in his socks and he notices that somehow one of his shoes had fallen off and he only has one of them still on his foot. For a moment it amuses him and provides enough distraction for him to gather his mind again.
"Ready?," Namjoon says and Hoseok looks down to ask what he's talking about but is met with the sight of Namjoon kneeling in front of him as his lips wrap around Hoseok's length and welcome him into his hot, wet mouth.
"Sh-shit, where was m-my warnin-ng?," Hoseok stutters out. Namjoon replies with a shrug and Hoseok doesn't know if he should laugh or hit Namjoon.
It feels amazing and Hoseok doesn't know if this is entirely fucked up or not but he might have fallen a little more for Namjoon now that he knows his mouth isn't only good for talking and rapping. He's sure it's noisy, that there's probably a horrible squelching sound of Namjoon's spit pooling in his mouth as he sucks Hoseok's cock, but he honestly doesn't care right now because he thinks it would be pretty hot. When Namjoon's tongue presses up against the underside of his dick, there's white hot electricity coursing through his entire body and he can't keep from gripping onto Namjoon's hair, earning him a harder suck with a hum of approval.
When he bites his bottom lip to keep from screaming out, Namjoon hollows his cheeks as he slides up his length and Hoseok loses whatever composure he had been struggling to keep in check, moaning out so loud he can feel his throat dry out. His knuckles are practically white as they opt to hold on to the edge of the desk rather than risk pulling Namjoon's hair out. His ass feels a little hot and sore but Namjoon's mouth is perfectly angled to take him in deeper in this position so he doesn't dare think about moving.
Namjoon pulls off for a few seconds to breathe, hand still working Hoseok's drenched cock and Hoseok would kiss Namjoon if he were given the chance to.
"I-I think I'm going to come," Hoseok gasps out, voice barely audible even for his own ears.
Namjoon doesn't hear him and goes back to tasting Hoseok as much as he can. And rather than give a warning of any kind, Namjoon gives a long and broad lick from the back of Hoseok's balls straight up towards the tip of his dick before taking him back into his mouth. Hoseok shakes and his stomach tenses, Namjoon watching as the other shuts his eyes and tosses his head back before spilling into his mouth. Hoseok's come is thick but Namjoon barely gets a taste of it as his immediate reflex is to swallow it. It's when the final drop spurts into his mouth that he really gets the taste; it's slightly bitter but rather tasteless otherwise.
Namjoon stands on rather shaky legs and he can feel his own precome as it slides down his length and he's about to say he'll go take care of himself in the bathroom when Hoseok pushes himself off the desk and pulls him into a kiss, pushing him to sit down on the abandoned chair. As Hoseok settles on his thighs, Namjoon's breath hitches as he feels Hoseok still hard against his own cock.
"Together," Hoseok gasps out against his ear and Namjoon nods, reaching between them to grip both of their cocks. Hoseok's still a little slick with his spit but Namjoon's precome serves as enough to get started with.
Neither of them last long, a combination of the friction and wetness proving to be too much as they both come over each other. They're still sitting together when Hoseok scoots forward to rest against Namjoon's chest, completely spent and sweaty.
"That was...," Hoseok starts with a raspy voice, "amazing."
The music stops playing and they suddenly become aware of how quiet it is in the building, even the practice room at the other side of the door is pitch black from the crack under the door.
"Not that I don't think this was amazing, but I think we should go," Namjoon says, eyeing the time on the computer that reads a disturbing 3:22AM. They were supposed to be back in the dorms by 2:30AM.
"Shit, you're right," Hoseok sighed, pulling away to look at Namjoon once more. Namjoon's hair was a mess, sticking up from odd places where Hoseok had gripped onto it earlier, his cheeks were flushed, and his lips were a soft pink that usually only was present after they got their make-up done.
Hoseok knows it should be awkward after their little heated moment but it's so painfully normal that he doesn't even realize their normalcy until Namjoon crawls under the desk to get his missing shoe and he smiles at the other's complaints that he hardly managed to reach it. They had cleaned each other up with no hint of discomfort, had even helped each other get dressed, Namjoon ever so gentle as he straightened up Hoseok's hair and the other did the same in return before placing a long-forgotten snapback atop the blonde's hair to hide any evidence of what they'd done. Either Namjoon didn't notice or chose not to say anything but Hoseok didn't feel like this oddly casual feeling should be anything they needed to address and instead took the other's hand as they walked out of the little studio and shut off the lights to a night that felt like it had completely changed their relationship.
- — - — - — - — -
"Look, we really didn't think you guys would be back and I don't think you should talk to Jimin for a little, he was really spooked and kept crying about how you're both going to hate him or some shit like that."
It is currently 4:03AM and Hoseok is still struggling to understand what exactly happened.
He had stepped into the darkened dorm right after Namjoon but they had inadvertently walked in to Yoongi practically fucking Jimin's brain out against a short foldable table Jimin had recently been gifted with by fans when the younger had looked up at them with an expression so full of shock, embarrassment, and dread that his beautiful sun-kissed skin had turned a sickly pale as he hurriedly push Yoongi off of him and bolted to the bathroom. Hoseok was too shocked to even say anything and stood behind Namjoon with his mouth agape while Yoongi, rather shamelessly might he add, simply hiked his gym shorts back up and went to the bathroom and pleaded their dancer to open up.
After nearly fifteen minutes of pleading, Jimin had let Yoongi in and five minutes later had ran from the small bathroom into his shared room with Taehyung and Jeongguk, not even sparing the other two a glance. Hoseok had struggled to grasp the seriousness until he imagined it being himself and Namjoon getting caught and had nearly run to Jimin to apologize and assure him everything would be fine. One look from Yoongi was enough to keep him from doing so, though, and instead listened to Yoongi's request with Namjoon nervously sitting next to him.
"So, we're not really dating but we're also kind of—okay, no, we're exclusive—and I would really, really appreciate it if neither of you gave Jimin any shit for this. I'm surprised it took us two months to get walked in on but I suppose it's better it was you guys than Seokjin-hyung or those two other idiots."
"What makes us any different?," Hoseok asks, genuinely curious.
Yoongi quirks a brow at him before glancing at Namjoon, earning him a muttered "Stop" from the blonde. "Well... you guys are fucking too, aren't you?"
Hoseok stares at Yoongi for a second as he tries to figure out where exactly he and Namjoon lie in terms of how politically correct the statement could be when applied to them but Namjoon replies with a quick, "We're not doing the same thing as you."
Namjoon doesn't notice the glare he's getting from Hoseok until it's too late for him to try to correct himself and Hoseok punches his arm with full force. "You had your mouth on my cock, don't you start that bullshit!"
Yoongi tries to keep from laughing but after struggling for a few seconds he starts chuckling to himself. "Alright, I'll let you two figure your own shit out. Jimin's probably crying enough to fill the Han River right about now."
When Yoongi is finally inside the maknae line's room with the soft sound of a door closing and muffled talking following shortly after, Namjoon turns to Hoseok with an apology and explanation already about to spew out of his mouth but Hoseok stops his train of thought with a kiss. Namjoon doesn't kiss back initially but after Hoseok hums in slight frustration against his lips he begins meeting each slight pressure against his lips with his own. He's still not sure why they're kissing but as Hoseok wraps his arms around Namjoon's neck he figures that whatever the reason could be is good enough for him.
As Hoseok pulls back, he takes in Namjoon's slightly pink cheeks and smiles. "Well, we can't judge them, right?"
Namjoon shakes his head slightly in reply before attempting to bring their lips together but Hoseok only gives him a soft peck before continuing. "So, are we official or...?"
"What do you want us to be?"
"I asked first," Hoseok furrows his brows, not liking how Namjoon keeps depending on his decisions and not voicing his own desires.
"I would ask you to marry me but that might be too soon."
Hoseok laughs, almost forgetting it's nearly dawn and Seokjin is likely to wake up with any more noise. "Well, I can indeed confirm it's too soon for us to get married but we can start with dating?"
Namjoon pauses, lips pursed in thought but not missing the way the other stares at the action. "Hmm, well, I want more than that. What if we get walked into one day as well? Are you going to run into the bathroom too?"
"Maybe not the bathroom," Hoseok chuckles. He wants to try this boyfriend thing out with Namjoon. It might be a mistake and he might then regret it for the rest of his life, or it could be the right choice and he will never regret any of these moments nor the risk he had run by taking this first step. Plus, Namjoon already kind of proved himself to be worth the shot. "Namjoon?"
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
Namjoon's eyes are sparkling so much with the rising sun and the light streaming into their cramped living room Hoseok can just barely make out the slight hint of fear in the other's eyes. "What, you thought I'd suck your dick without any promise of commitment?"
He knows it's a lame attempt at a joke but Hoseok feels it holds too much truth and narrows his eyes at Namjoon instead of laughing. He's never liked how Namjoon puts himself down because he knows that there's an underlying truth to it that yes, Namjoon would have likely done just as he had joked and not asked for any sort of commitment if Hoseok rejected the idea. "That's not an answer, Namjoon."
After a pause, Namjoon finally replies, bright smile and dimples on his cheeks. "Of course."
"Good. Now that it's freaking dawn can we go to sleep? I'm really tired," Hoseok huffs out as he stands. Namjoon sits still for a moment until Hoseok takes his snapback off and runs his fingers through his hair. "Come on, we have practice later."
As they settle into bed, Hoseok glancing at Namjoon from his top bunk across the room, they smile at each other until Hoseok's eyes droop and he's fast asleep. Namjoon smiles at the other's sleeping face and wonders when Hoseok will realize how happy he is, how truly in love he is. He's waited years for this to happen but he's sure it was all worth the wait. Maybe Hoseok doesn't love him back the same way, in fact, Namjoon is sure of it, but it doesn't stop hope from blooming within his heart that perhaps it will happen one day.
- — – — - — - — -
The next morning, Yoongi and Jimin walk out of the latter's bedroom and head straight to the living room where everyone is already eating around their long, short table. Jimin flushes furiously when Namjoon looks at him and would have likely bolted had it not been for Yoongi practically shoving him down onto the floor. Seokjin stares at them curiously but rather than comment about it he packs rice into two bowls and then quickly plates their portions of fried tofu and stir-fry veggies. They're running out of food and this was the best Seokjin could come up with their limited ingredients.
"So, you good now?," Namjoon asks Jimin and the younger practically chokes on his rice before nodding quickly.
Jeongguk has been staring at his rice the entire time and Seokjin quickly brings everyone's attention to the maknae that refuses to actually wake up and eat.
When their manager arrives, they all quickly pile into their van and Yoongi ends up with Hoseok next to him, whispering all sorts of questions that Yoongi would rather not answer but does so anyway. Taehyung eyes them weirdly for a second but comes to the conclusion they're planning for his birthday since it's quickly approaching and turns away with a slight smile.
Practice is as brutal as always but Hoseok thinks it's a little worse when he catches glimpses at Namjoon every so often and the other has a concentrated expression on his face, sweat shining on his brow and neck while his t-shirt clings to his body in ways that leaves little to imagination. When he manages to stumble, though he won't admit it's because Namjoon's shirt rode up his stomach, their choreographer takes it as a hint that he's been pushing them too hard for too long and decides the lesson is done for the day though they all know they'll continue practicing for hours after this.
"Hoseok! Make sure to get that move right, you were kind of sloppy," their choreographer says from across the room and Hoseok raises his hand as a sign that he's heard, mouth too busy trying to drink water without choking and the door to their practice room shuts after the other finally takes his leave.
They're in this weird limbo where Namjoon isn't sure how close he can sit to Hoseok and, after walking by the other four times, finally settles a couple feet away from Hoseok. Hoseok watches from the mirror across the room and notices Taehyung is about to to flop down against Namjoon. It's cute so he watches with a soft smile, enjoying the way Namjoon practically collapses and whines that this is entirely too tiring for him, Taehyung soon forcing a grunt out of Namjoon when his head falls on the older's stomach.
Although they can't blame anyone or anything for it, Namjoon and Hoseok had only managed to get a few hours of sleep before Seokjin woke them up for breakfast so everything feels eternal for them today. Usually, Jimin would provide some sort of distraction to Hoseok and spark up a discussion about their choreography but Jimin has been terribly quiet today. Taehyung and Jeongguk had mumbled about how it probably had to do with it being a bad day for Jimin, whom is actually horribly moody when it comes to learning choreography, but Hoseok knows that the air surrounding Jimin isn't that of a bad mood. Jimin's frightened, and the glances he makes at Hoseok and Namjoon show how truly scared he is that he and Yoongi will face consequences for their relationship, whatever it is.
Taking the initiative, Hoseok stands and makes his way to Jimin, whom has avoided being near him as much as possible for the entire day, and takes a seat next to the younger. Before Jimin can spring up and away from him, Hoseok places a hand on his shoulder and snaps out a "Stay" that has Jimin rooted on the wooden floor.
He didn't mean to spook Jimin, he can feel the way the younger is shaking, and Hoseok sighs, rubbing Jimin's shoulder with his hand. "Relax, I'm not going to yell at you."
Jimin seems to debate on whether to believe the older but soon nods and draws his legs in, crossing them over and under each other although one keeps bouncing up and down, making Hoseok wonder just how scared Jimin is. "What's wrong?"
It takes a couple minutes, music still playing as Taehyung gets off of Namjoon and joins Jeongguk in his screaming and dancing along to a song across the room until Jimin manages to gather up his courage to speak up. "I-I don't want to leave Bangtan."
Hoseok guffaws, absolutely shocked that Jimin somehow managed to come to this absurd conclusion that they will kick him out. But when Jimin sniffles next to him, Hoseok feels he's taking this far too lightly. Jimin joined at the very last minute, a miracle debut for him that he might never get the chance at again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I'm laughing at you..."
Jimin shakes his head, looking down at his lap but not daring to speak yet.
"I... I know that Namjoon and I saw something we weren't supposed to. And although I'm not sure what I'm doing, I know you are sure about your actions. Well, at least you're a lot more sure than I am."
"What?," Jimin asks, finally looking at Hoseok.
The older rolls his eyes at the shocked expression on Jimin's face. "You like Yoongi, maybe something more, but I can understand it. It's kind of easy to see when I'm in the same kind of situation, Jimin."
Both of them fall silent as they watch everyone else through the mirrors and wonder what to say next. Jeongguk is now trying to reenact a scene from a drama he's been watching with Taehyung, both of them pretending to be mafia bosses while Yoongi watches with mild interest though he quickly turns to Namjoon to discuss something. Seokjin's sprawled out on the floor and probably dead, Hoseok can't tell if he's breathing.
"We're going to be okay... right?"
Jimin's voice cracks and it brings Hoseok's attention back to their conversation as he takes a moment to really think about everything. He could answer Jimin with an automatic "Of course" but he fears that feeding Jimin false hope would be unhealthy. He and Namjoon are doing okay, they aren't avoiding each other anymore, they talk more (that morning, Namjoon had brought up Hoseok's mixtape, much to his surprise), and there isn't any awkward tension left between them anymore.
Hoseok knows it'll be hard to tell the rest of the group. He can only imagine how good or bad the reactions could be from the remaining three members. Jeongguk likely has trouble processing some things, hearing about same-sex couples isn't the same as knowing them, much less suddenly gaining the knowledge that he lives, showers, eats, and commutes with not one, but two gay couples. They don't know how he's been raised so it could go either way. But Hoseok's not gay and neither is Namjoon, who had insisted he's actually bisexual, to which Hoseok was anything but surprised and had thought that he probably was bisexual as well though he isn't really sure about that yet. He still liked girls but he could see why guys are attractive as well. But for Jeongguk, Taehyung, and Seokjin, they might as well be gay.
Yoongi and Jimin are entirely more complicated. Yoongi doesn't know what he's doing and is scared shitless because, unlike Namjoon and Hoseok, he's been into guys more than either would like to think about. But what makes it more complicated is that Hoseok can see the panic in his expression whenever he's caught staring at Jimin with so much unguarded affection and can't quite shake the feeling off in time to look like he doesn't care. It's funny until Hoseok realizes that's how Namjoon looks at him too.
Hoseok knows that Jimin genuinely likes Yoongi, that the moment he had been teased by Yoongi and his sharp tongue that first night he arrived at the dorm he had fallen and although it had taken them years to get to this point, Jimin knew what he was doing more than Yoongi gave him credit for.
Yet, despite all the worries, there's something telling him that they should have faith in their group. Although Seokjin is strict and has rather old-fashioned beliefs while Jeongguk is likely too young to be able to truly accept and be comfortable with them, Taehyung is probably only going to be slightly surprised at best, but they're still friends and will put genuine effort into understanding not only their choices in partners but also at least be respectfully supportive. And Taehyung has experience with Hoseok so it's not like he can truly say anything about it and can at least prove to be an aid in their defense if anything should arise. He still owes Hoseok for teaching him how to tongue someone and he's a pretty damn good teacher if he does say so himself.
"We'll be fine, Jimin. We're going to be perfectly fine."
Jimin smiles and Hoseok gives his own smile in reply, watching as the young dancer takes a deep breath and nods. "Thanks, hyung."
- — - — - — - — -
"Do you think we should tell them that we can hear them?," Namjoon asks Yoongi while they watch Hoseok start laughing at Jimin while the younger pouts at him in mild annoyance.
Yoongi snorts. "Maybe let Seokjin recover for a bit."
Seokjin stares up at the ceiling as he sighs. "I should have seen all of this coming."