Actions

Work Header

Twisted Fiction

Work Text:

There is a rap that, if you recite it, Lucifer appears in front of you in a Chrysler LeBaron. The LeBaron used to change with the passing years, but ever since LeBarons stopped being produced in 1995, the car has been a 1995 LeBaron coupe. The rap was created in the 1970s by a rapper who has now since died, his name forgotten in the annals of history, but the rap has been spread by various individuals and passed around from the East Coast to the West.

A young Kanye West found the rap back in the 90s and recited it to himself on a street corner. Sure enough, a man in a LeBaron pulled up to Kanye. He introduced himself as Lucifer, the devil. The two talked about the advantages and disadvantages of living in hell before Lucifer said: “I can give you everything you desire, as long as you give me your soul.”

“Can you make me rap like Nas?” Kanye asked. “And I want to be famous. I want to be the greatest rapper in the world.”

Lucifer nodded. “Give me your arm, and we’ll sign the deal with your blood.”

Kanye extended his arm. Lucifer cut Kanye’s arm with a knife and made a contract appear out of thin air. Kanye dipped his blood in the wound and signed the contract.

When he did acquire a flow like Nas and did become the greatest rapper in the world, Kanye forgot about the deal he made with Lucifer. But Lucifer never forgot him.

 

Kanye knew he wanted a Murciélago ever since he saw the car a couple of years ago in Busta Rhymes’ music video for “Make It Clap.” But he wasn't sure what possessed him to go to Chicago’s Gold Coast to buy a Murciélago right then and there.

Everything was coming down on him. The label didn't want him to release the single he wanted to release. They wanted him to release a single and do a video which was more suited for “mainstream” radio. And on top of that, they wanted him to do a small United States club-based tour. The last thing he needed to buy was a Murciélago.

And here he was, standing in front of a black Murciélago Roadster, about to try it out.

When Kanye stepped into the car to test drive it, the car started playing Marvin Gaye’s “Mercy Mercy Me.” The song wasn’t on the satellite radio station that played older rhythm & blues songs, and it wasn't playing on any of the local radio stations, either. Granted, “Mercy Mercy Me,” a song about environmental waste, wasn't the most logical choice for a Murciélago to play by itself. But, in that moment, it was the song that Kanye needed to hear. The Murciélago conveniently played the song over and over again until Kanye took the car back to the Lamborghini dealership.

Kanye bought the Murciélago on the spot and never looked back.

 

Lamborghini stopped producing the Diablo in 2001. But that didn't stop Kanye from wanting a Diablo. The Murciélago wasn’t enough for him all of a sudden. He needed the Diablo to compliment the Murciélago. So Kanye went to a private dealer in Miami who owned a reddish-purple Diablo.

The Diablo seemed to make him feel braver, in a way. He applied his new-found bravery on the album he was working on. And then he applied his bravery to his life. Some people thought he was brash whenever he was bragging about his life, but Kanye didn't care. You either understood him or you didn't. Kanye only shrugged at the people that didn't get it and moved on.

 

Kanye was invited to a fashion show during New York Fashion Week in April, then held in Bryant Park. After the fashion show was done, there was an after party near the tent the fashion show was held.

The deejay at the party wasn’t well known. All anyone knew about the deejay was the deejay was mixing on Serato ITCH software on a MacBook with digital turntables and that said deejay was fond of rap. His stuff veered towards rap that people could dance to. Stuff like “Lean Back,” “Walk It Out,” “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It,” and “Pop, Lock & Drop It.”

Kanye was surrounded by the models that walked the fashion show earlier. Unlike the rest of the people at the party, the models were irritated by the dance rap songs the deejay was playing.

“Does that fool see you here, ‘Ye?” one of the models asked. “Why the hell is the deejay playing ‘Pop, Lock & Drop It?’ Does he not see you here? Why isn't he playing your shit?”

Kanye shrugged.

The model went to her makeup tent and pulled out a copy of Late Registration. Then she went up to the deejay booth.

“Why aren't you playing Yeezy?”

“Who’s Yeezy?”

“Kanye West. Why aren't you playing Kanye West?”

“I didn't program him into my Serato, sorry.”

“Move over.”

“I can't move over. There isn't enough room—”

The model pushed the deejay out of the booth. She looked at the songs programmed in the deejay’s Serato. “You gotta be shitting me,” she said as she was scrolling down the programmed tracks. “You ain't got no fucking Yeezy in your Serato. You ain't shit.”

The model put Late Registration in the deejay’s computer. Some people who were dancing to the dance rap left, but most people stayed.

 

Later, Kanye took the model that embarrassed the deejay to his hotel room. The two made out on his hotel bed. It progressed into a series of blowjobs. Somewhere between blowjobs, Kanye fell asleep on the bed.

When he woke up, he was in Sleepy Hollow. That Sleepy Hollow, in Tarry Town, New York, in 1790. He was standing near a swamp with his pants down.

The Headless Horseman appeared, his head on his saddle. And it wasn't the pumpkin like a lot of cartoons and television shows portrayed the head as. It was literally a head.

The Headless Horseman ran towards Kanye. Kanye tried to run away from the Headless Horseman, but he tripped on his pants. He heard the horse’s hooves getting closer and closer to him...

Then Kanye woke up back in the hotel room with the model. And she wasn't pleased with Kanye dozing off while she was giving him blowjobs.

 

The record label thought it was a good idea for Kanye to show up at a magnet high school in Chicago to do a speech. So they armed him with a couple of bodyguards and a limousine. Kanye was happy with the arrangement as long as he was allowed to bring his girlfriend, who had a strong visual resemblance to both Céline Dion and Leona Lewis, and play Only by the Night by Kings of Leon. The back of the limo was blaring “Sex on Fire” on the way to the school.

The girlfriend stayed in the limousine, but Kanye went into the school. He was supposed to be going to the school’s gymnasium, waiting for the school’s principal to talk to him, but instead, he stopped at a history classroom. The teacher was reading a nonfiction book about Nazi Germany. The students were watching a History Channel documentary originally recorded on videocassette that was also about Nazi Germany. Said documentary was ten years old and was rarely seen in the History Channel’s current lineup. And all the students were doing anything and everything than watching the documentary or reading their old world history textbooks.

Kanye opened the classroom’s door and turned on the classroom’s lights. “Hey, man,” Kanye said to the teacher. “How the hell you gonna teach kids about history if they’re watching some biased-ass, old-ass documentary on TV?”

The teacher looked up from his book. “Excuse me, Mister—”

The students, who knew who Kanye was, looked up and cheered.

“This is not how you teach our children. A TV can't teach them how to think, man. You have to talk to the students. Engage with them. You need to make children want to read their textbooks, not draw things in their notebooks. You have to make them want to want to learn, to remember things. You have to touch them in their souls. You have to energize them so they want to learn. This VHS player isn't going to make them want to do anything.”

Kanye took the videocassette out of the player and stomped on it, splitting the cassette in two. The students cheered. They asked him to rap on the spot.

“Wait until the assembly,” Kanye said. “I’m gonna rap then.”

 

At the assembly, Kanye gave a speech and performed some of his less explicit songs for the audience in the gym.

Then, out of nowhere, he started performing the rap he performed years ago to conjure up Lucifer and the LeBaron.

Kanye dropped his mike and calmly ended his performance before walking away. But when he was away from the auditorium, he ran for the limousine, his girlfriend, and Only by the Night, knowing that he did something wrong and knowing there was no easy fix for his mistake.

 

After he dismissed his bodyguards and his girlfriend for the evening. Kanye started pulling things out of his hotel minibar and drinking them. He was drinking to forget his gaffe at the school. He was drinking for a lot of things as well. He hated how his girlfriend didn't want to see Kanye as more than a wealthy, famous, rapper. He hated how lonely he felt, even with the women and his bodyguards around him. He hated feeling scared and vulnerable. The alcohol was going to cure all of those things for a while, even though he knew it was going to hurt him.

While he was drinking, Kanye’s girlfriend appeared in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

“I don't want you to see me like this.”

“He’s coming.”

Kanye and his girlfriend returned to Sleepy Hollow, 1790, near the swamp the Headless Horseman tried to attack Kanye at.

“What the hell…” Kanye said.

The Murciélago appeared. “He’s coming,” it said.

The Diablo also appeared. “To drag you down to hell,” it said.

The model from New York Fashion Week also appeared. “And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Kanye’s girlfriend, the Murciélago, the Diablo, and the model froze Kanye to where he was. They kept repeating “He’s coming. He’s coming. To drag you down to hell. And there’s nothing you can do about it” as Kanye attempted to move.

The Headless Horseman walked to where the cars and the women froze Kanye. The Headless Horseman changed shape and turned into Lucifer and his LeBaron. Lucifer walked up to Kanye. “I’m coming.” He smiled in Kanye’s face. “Are you ready for me?”

Kanye woke up slumped on his hotel minibar, surrounded by small bottles of various spirits. Kanye’s girlfriend wasn't even there. In fact, she had disappeared. At least from the physical realm. Kanye kept seeing her in his nightmares.

 

After the disastrous school speech, a sober Kanye went back to his mansion. His girlfriend may have left him for reasons unknown to him, but he still had the Murciélago and the Diablo. Kanye was in need of a breath of fresh air and some bravery, so he decided to take the Diablo out for a spin.

Kanye drove the Diablo fast enough so he could feel the wind on his face. The Diablo played “Tony’s Theme” from Scarface as he drove. Kanye felt some of his bravery coming back. But he had a bad feeling that something was going to happen soon.

That something was an army of Steve Urkels approaching his mansion when Kanye and the Diablo returned. The Steve Urkels were dressed up in various outfits Urkel wore from Family Matters. They all said various catchphrases and lines of Urkel’s. “Help, I’ve fallen and I can't get up!” “I’m wearing you down, baby, I’m wearing you down!” “Did I do that?” “Look what you did.”

“The fuck is this shit?” Kanye said.

“We can't let you go to the mall, Laura,” one of the Urkels said.

“Do I look like Laura Winslow to you?”

“Something bad’s happening at the mall,” another Urkel said.

“It’s a séance,” another Urkel said. “Lucifer’s about to claim some souls when the cypher is over.”

“Teenagers,” another Urkel said. “They all want to be like you, Laura.”

“What do I have to do to get rid of you?” Kanye said.

“You can't,” another Urkel said. “Lucifer wants you to stay here.”

“He can't make me stay here.”

For once, the Urkel army didn't have a response.

“Do I have to pull to toys out, huh?”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” the Urkel army said.

“I guess I have to, since y’all can’t say anything than catchphrases.”

Kanye went to his garage. He started up the Murciélago. He went back to the Diablo and started it up, revving up the Diablo. Both cars seemed to chortle and scoff at the Urkel army standing in front of them, pretending to be brave.

The Urkels stood for a few moments, bravely facing Kanye’s cars for a few moments, before all they said “We’re not going to take this. We’re going home.” Then they ran all over the road in every direction, hoping the cars wouldn't run over them.

After the Urkels fled, Kanye put his Diablo in his garage. He climbed into his Murciélago and sped towards the nearest mall, hoping the cypher séance was there.

 

Kanye arrived at the mall too late, somewhat. The mall was already closed. But some high school-aged kids were already inside, performing the rap that would conjure Lucifer under a glass dome. Kanye tried to open the door, but it was locked. He was going to grab a trash can to break the mall windows, but everything near the mall entrance was locked down. Kanye was forced to get back in the Murciélago and break through the windows surrounding the mall entrance with her car.

The kids in the cypher séance stopped rapping the call for Lucifer. “You gotta stop rapping. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Yeah, we do,” one of the kids said. “We’re asking the devil to make us rich and famous just like you.”

“You don't need the devil to be famous. You need hard work. Education. Those are the things that’ll make you famous, not the devil.”

“You didn’t do that,” the same kid said.

“But I made a mistake. I don't want you to make the same mistake.”

The sky above the dome was filling with smoke. The smoke smelled of burning heroin. Lucifer, in his LeBaron, crashed through the glass dome, filling the mall up with smoke. “It’s too late, Kanye,” Lucifer said. “All of you are mine tonight.”

Lucifer waved his hands about. He made the floor of the mall turn into heroin. Then he lit the floor of the mall.

Kanye, the Murciélago, and the mall kids perished in the fire.

 

Kanye woke up. He wasn’t dead. In fact, he never was in that fire in the first place. He pieced together what had happened to him. He arrived in Paris after flying from New York. He took some Molly when he arrived in his hotel. Then he went clubbing. While he was clubbing, he met an heiress to a makeup empire. She happened to be a model as well. He was also tripping around this time. So while he spent countless hours talking to the heiress at the club, eventually taking the model back to his hotel, he spent hours tripping about various things like the devil and his LeBaron and the luxury cars that gave him powers and eventually developed personalities of their own.

He looked to his left. The heiress was still sleeping and still naked. He traced a finger on her back. She was still there, still warm.

Kanye noticed he still had a few pills of Molly left. He took the pills and went back to bed. He kissed the heiress’ shoulder as he waited for her to wake up.

 

Lucifer was observing Kanye and the heiress from their hotel room. Lucifer had to leave, though. There wasn't enough room around the hotel for him to linger.

Lucifer hopped into his LeBaron and drove away, ready to torment another rapper who had enlisted his services. He’d be back to torment Kanye someday, ready to drag him to hell when the time was right.