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The Tragedy of Darth Udder In 30 seconds or less

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[Sith resurrection facility]

EMPEROR: It seems, that in your anger . . . you killed her.

VADER: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[VADER tears himself from the Frankenstein slab--everything in the lab shatters. A moment of deathly silence ensues]

VADER: [To EMPEROR, confused] Moo?

EMPEROR: [To surgical droids] What have you done?!

DROIDS: Uhh . . . nothing, your highness, nothing . . .

EMPEROR: You gave him the brain of a cow, didn't you!!

DROIDS: [All speaking at once] No! No, we never did that--no, no, no . . . uhh . . . yes. Only a bit. Just the part above the stem.

VADER: [*Really* confused] Moo?

EMPEROR: Why did you do that, you stupid droids?!

DROIDS: Well . . . you said to make him better than he was . . .

EMPEROR: Giving him the brain of a cow was not an improvement!!

BRAIN-SWAPPING DROID: Well, I never saw a cow leap straight onto a lightsaber two seconds after someone told him not to do it.

EMPEROR: That is hardly the point! What am I supposed to do with a cow for a Sith apprentice?!

VADER: [Totally lost] Moo?!

***Later***

[Star Destroyer bridge. Cue Imperial March theme. DARTH UDDER, formerly DARTH VADER, comes striding into the scene. He has gleaming black armor covered in white Holstein spots, and has horns on both sides of his helmet. When a couple of clonetroopers get in his way, he abruptly waves his hand and knocks them aside with the Force.]

TARKIN: Oh, dear. He's in a bad mood today.

FLUNKY: Well, I would be too, if I were a--

TARKIN: Shh!!

UDDER: [Stomps up to them purposefully] Moo!!

TARKIN: Uhmm, yes. Very good, my lord.

UDDER: [Gesturing incomprehensibly] Moo!!!

TARKIN: Yes . . . of course . . . immediately . . .

UDDER: [Not satisfied with this response] MOOOO!!

FLUNKY: [Whispers to TARKIN] What is he *saying?*

UDDER: [Losing patience] MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [Waves hand and flings both of them into bridge pit with the Force. Stomps over to bridge door and begins scraping his horns against the door release panel.]

FLUNKY: [Peering out from pit] I . . . I think he wants out, sir.

TARKIN: [Holding bump on head] Well, somebody go and let him out! He's gored nine of the Red Guards today. Seems he couldn't stand the color of their capes.

[A clonetrooper rushes to hit the release button, and UDDER stomps through the door, lowing menacingly]

UDDER: MOOOOO!!!

***Clips from the OT***

[Leia is in the Death Star Control Room. Alderaan is visible through window]

LEIA: Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Udder's bridle. [TARKIN is literally doing this. UDDER appears to be munching on some hay.]

****

[ANH duel with OBI-WAN]

OBI-WAN: [At swordspoint with UDDER, each glaring at the other] . . . you are the "master" my arse. You, my friend, are a bleeding cow.

****

[Bespin holding cell. Han collapses on bench]

HAN: They never even asked me any questions. Well, actually I couldn't tell. What the hell is "Moo" supposed to mean?!

****

[Luke, minus a hand, crouches on a metal promontory above the Cloud City pit. He is wearing a Holstein-spotted outfit and has horns stuck to the sides of his head.]

LUKE: That's impossible!!!!!!

****

[Imperial landing platform on Endor. LUKE and UDDER meet again.]

LUKE: I have accepted the fact that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father . . . and now you're a cow.

****

[Death Star throne room. The EMPEROR is cackling as he pours Force lightning into LUKE. UDDER looks back and forth between them, clearly torn. Suddenly, with a mighty "MOOOOO!!!" he charges the EMPEROR, head down and horns first, and buts him up into the air, after which the EMPEROR lands in a reactor shaft.]

EMPEROR: AIIEEEEE!!!

****

[Ewok celebration scene. The Force ghost image of Hayden Christensen, which had digitally replaced that of Sebastian Shaw, has now been digitally replaced with the image of a contented-looking cow. Ghostie OBI-WAN and YODA glance sidelong at it, seeming slightly uncomfortable.]

[Screen wipe to star field, cue theme music.]

****

THE END