“I worry. I worry I threw out the chipped cup too soon.”
Regina smiled in glee. These two were pathetic. They were a damn cartoon crying over a damaged tea cup. She smiled plotting what she would say to crush what was left of the imp’s shrunken heart.
Oh, gods, were they kissing? Regina could feel it coming off the heart and she looked through the trees to confirm.
Actually kissing. Where was the anger? Where was the yelling? She had banished him, he had disguised himself as Hook. All she had gotten was a tearful reunion! Why were they kissing?!
Lost in her anger, Regina had also lost track of what was happening by the well.
Well, no, that couldn’t be right. The heart was glowing almost hot.
This had to be wrong because there was no way...
No way they could go from crying to kissing to...
“Oh, Gods,” said Regina.
She knew the next course of action was to look through the trees. This had not really happened before. Regina was in the habit of quickly depositing hearts in her vault, bringing them out when needed. She didn’t usually involve herself in the hearts’ personal lives unless she had some other use for them.
No, it couldn’t be...
“I’m sorry, Rumple...” she said between furious kisses.
“No, Belle, I’m sorry...” He was practically crying. What was this even?
“I know,” she answered, voice cracking. “I missed you.”
“I missed you.”
Regina felt the heat coming off the heart and her mind immediately turned to something her mother had said about Rumplestiltskin. It was hard to get a secret out of Cora, but wine had loosened her lips and it was her mother’s attempt at feigning closeness.
“Rumplestiltskin was always a very... attentive lover.”
Regina shuddered at the memory, particularly the slight rolling back of Cora’s eyes as she said it. She tried to regain control of the heart and it was just becoming too much. There was too much happening with the heart. So much disgusting and ill-timed...
Oh, gods, no...
“Please, Rumple, I need to feel you...”
Regina attempted in vain to stop the heart, to command it to do something else, anything else, but it was too far gone.
This had horribly backfired. She looked around the trees to watch in gobsmacked horror.
Belle was pushed up against the well and there appeared to be furious hands at work between them.
“Just rip them,” Belle commanded huskily and Regina heard something tearing which she could only guess at being her tights and underwear.
Regina could only watch on in horror.
“You feel so good, so wet,” Gold panted, kissing her neck.
This just wouldn’t stop.
“I need you, Rumple...”
Then he began to thrust up into her, shoving her against the well, each movement soliciting new moans and groans.
“Oh, Rumple, harder...”
The movements increased in speed, making them both groan harder. Belle clung to Gold.
“Oh, fuck me, Rumple. Just fuck me!”
Maybe it was the mixture of flushed and nauseous she felt, the blood pounded into Regina’s head, the heart was becoming impossibly loud now and she just couldn’t take it.
“Oh, gods, sweetheart, this is even better than the time we did it against Regina’s apple tree...”
That was the last straw.
“Fine! You win!”
Gold’s head snapped towards the ground as a bright, shiny heart fell to the ground beside them.
“Fuck this! You can have it back1”
“You took her heart,” Gold snarled at Regina.
“Yes! Now take it back! I can’t even work with that thing! I have never met a heart this... freaky!”
Regina put her face in her hands as Gold picked up Belle’s heart.
“Call me anything you want but zip your pants first!”
Belle looked on in blank astonishment. Gold thankfully zipped his pants with his spare hand.
“That’s my heart?,” Belle asked.
“Yes, she must have taken it and commanded you to meet me here...” Gold’s face fell as he realized that this whole meeting, this whole reconciliation was a lie, a scheme of Regina’s.
He looked back at her. “Hold tight, sweetheart.”
Gold pressed the heart back into her chest, making Belle gasp. She clung back to the edge of the well, trying to regain her bearings.
Gold watched as Belle’s eyes relit, first in relief, then in anger. He braced himself but Belle turned to Regina.
“You ripped my heart out!”
“I was just trying to get leverage against him-”
“I am not leverage!,” Belle shouted. “I may love him but that doesn’t mean I’m just a pawn to be used against him! You say you’ve changed, but I can’t see it. It’s the same old game it always has been use me, lock me in a tower, imprison me with no memory of who I am, turn me into Lacey, use me for information and now rip my heart out! Take everything away from me! Again! Just where has the change been!”
“I’m sorry, I told you-”
“That apology is meaningless because of what you just did!”
“You asked how you could help-”
“Did you seriously think that’s what I meant?!”
Regina sighed. “No.”
“And what was your plan after this? When were you going to return my heart?”
“You don’t know, do you?! And I bet you meant for me to not remember any of this!”
Regina shrugged. “Well, that was a given.”
“Please let me kill her,” muttered Gold.
“No!,” said Belle. She looked at him in dismay. “There’s one little light left in your heart, we’re not going to waste it on her!”
“Okay, that still leaves Robin, he’s with Zelena.”
Belle shook her head. “How the hell did that even happen?”
“She’s Marian.” Regina motioned at Gold. “He’s working with her.”
“She tortured him for a year and murdered his son. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Belle looked at Gold. “Well?”
“It was the only way to stop her from killing me,” said Gold. Belle eyed him. “I was on a respirator, I didn’t exactly have a lot of options at the time.”
“Okay,” said Belle. She turned back towards Regina. “You go rescue your boyfriend or whatever and I’ll deal with him. Try not to take away anyone’s free will on the way to New York!”
“Fine. I have to go brew a memory erasing potion to try to forget you two freaks and his dick!”
With that, Regina went stomping back towards the road, hoping she didn’t vomit on the way to her car.
Belle looked back at Gold.
“Stand still,” he said quietly, waving his hand over her chest, magic coursing through. “There. It’s a protection spell. Regina won’t be able to do that again. I’m sorry for the trouble I caused you.”
He turned and began to walk away.
“Rumplestiltskin.” She cleared her throat. “Rumplestiltskin, wait.”
He froze as she approached him, turning slowly to face her.
“I had been wondering what I would say to you if I ever saw you again. I had planned a whole list of things to say about you scheming, about you pretending to be Hook so I would give the dagger to you...” She shook her head. “I’m not happy about them, but they just don’t seem important anymore.”
“I know what you said before was just Regina. You needn’t-”
“Rumple,” Belle said sharply. “Those were my words. Regina didn’t know our wedding vows.”
He looked at her with heart-rending eyes. “You meant what you said about...”
She nodded. “I can see I was right to worry.”
“Yes,” Gold quickly agreed, his post-Belle life striking in its succession of catastrophes.
“We’re going to find a way to save your heart,” she promised.
He nodded, his eyes becoming tear-filled.
“But first,” she said breathlessly, “let’s finish what we started.”
“That, too?,” Gold asked in astonishment.
“Well, come on, Rumple, Regina clearly didn’t want us to have sex.”
They ended up back by the well with Belle fumbling with his belt and zipper again.
“And what about Her Majesty?,” seethed Gold.
“I have an idea that I think she’ll hate much more than killing her.”
A FEW WEEKS LATER
Storybrooke was once again safe as Emma entered the mayor’s office bearing takeout.
“I brought lunch,” said Emma.
“Just one moment...” said Regina. “Someone sent me a video message.”
Emma rolled her eyes. “Oh, God, not this again.”
Regina’s eyes blew wide and her mouth dropped in horror as the message played.
It was Belle.
And she realized they were doing it on her desk. She pushed back in her chair immediately feeling dirty.
Emma sighed. “And now you jump out of the chair next...”
“What?,” asked Regina. She looked back at the screen to see Gold was now putting his mouth to use as Belle sat in her chair. She leapt up. She turned to Emma. “You knew about this?!”
“Regina, listen to me. This has been happening every day for the last two weeks.”
“What?,” she asked incredulously.
Emma nodded. “You keep making memory potions to forget it. Belle knows that and she just sends the video again.”
Emma shot her a look. “Well, let’s see, you did lock her up for thirty years, made her into a barfly and then ripped her heart out.”
“I’m going to be sick.”
Emma nodded. “Yeah, that’s happened a few times.”
“I have to make another potion and burn this furniture.”
“Regina, would you listen? You burned the furniture they had sex on like two weeks ago, you just keep conjuring replacements.”
Regina shook her head. “I don’t think I can ever be sure of that.”
“It would be easier if you just went and apologized to her,” Emma suggested. “You know, a real apology that you don’t go back on?”
“I can’t,” said Regina. “No. This will be seared into my brain forever. I can’t live like that.”
“I know, I know, he had sex with your mom...”
Regina started to run out. “I have to make that potion!”
Emma shook her head. “And maybe if you would just learn from your mistakes, you know actually learn-”
“I don’t want this!”
Emma sighed and took a French fry out of the takeout bag.
“And here we go again,” she muttered, shoving the fry into her mouth.