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Next Best Idea They Ever Had

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Dear Hallmark,

First, allow me to offer an introduction. I am a blond dude named Chad, currently fucking my best friend Jeff's mom Sylvia (She likes when I use her back as a writing desk, and I'm an accommodating sort of dude). Jeff's fucking my mom Nancy, so it's an even trade.

The reason I'm writing to you today is, I--we, actually, me and Jeff--heard somewhere you guys are in charge of new holidays and gift-giving traditions. You invent 'em, people buy 'em, is the word on the street. I have a couple of proposals.

Before you tell us we ought to do our own legwork, let me tell you this.

Wait, be right back. Sylvia's got a cramp.

Okay, I think that was just a ploy. I went across the hall to ask Jeff what to do when his mom has a cramp in her ass, and it turns out internal massage is the best thing for it. Sorry for the smudges.

Where was I?

Oh, right. It doesn't work to just invent our own traditions. Believe me, we've tried. We wrote up instructions and everything, and all it ever got us was a visit to a correctional facility. See attached diagram for details.

So the first proposal is, you guys get people doing it. It's a solid idea, right? You have people buying enormous boxes full of tasty treats anyway, so I don't see how it's different, though I guess if you want you could make a special-shaped box as a marketing thing.

The second one, I'm thinking ahead. Eventually, Sylvia's gonna get too old and have arthritis in her knees and stuff, so I'm gonna need--oh, wait. I didn't tell you: me and Jeff swapped moms for Mother's Day, which is another one of those holidays you guys made up, right?

So I'm gonna need a replacement, and ideally, I'd like to do a favor for Jeff again, keep his family happy, if you know what I mean. Fucking his mom's been nothing but good to me. So, I mean, she's still got like 15, maybe 20 years in her and all, but I bet there's a whole process you have to go through, so like I said, thinking ahead.

Here's my idea: Daughters Day.

What do you think?

Obviously, we'll have to work out compensation, but I'm a pretty easy-going guy, so I'm not gonna fleece you.



Chad waited anxiously while Jeff read the letter. "You can put your name on it too, man, if you want. I don't want to be greedy." He chewed on his thumbnail.

Jeff nodded and kept reading, lips moving as he absently swayed back and forth with little Savannah on his shoulder. He'd worn Nancy out, so he said when she cried, it was on him. Finally, he looked up, eyes wide.

Chad raised his eyebrows. "Well?"

"Dude, you have got to hide my mom's pills."