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Fuckin' Werewolves

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    Stiles collapsed on the splintery floor of the cabin as Scott threw the door closed. Crashing noises continued from the other side of the door, but it didn’t seem like the creature was getting in. They had set up the cabin several months ago when Erica and Boyd had stumbled upon it while they were scouting the new territory. It was now stocked with nonperishables and copies of bestiaries and fully warded, in case of emergency.

An emergency like being chased through the woods in the middle of the night by an unknown monster that seemed set on eating all of them.

Stiles closed his eyes and took a minute to breathe, beating down the panic.

Just another night running for his life with his friends who were significantly less squishy than he was. Allison could hold her own, and Lydia is a badass glorious goddess, so it really just left Stiles as the slow prey who got eaten first. He looked around the room, taking in the rest of the pack. Scott was crouching by Allison who had a decent scrape on her arm, Lydia was making Jackson hold books she was rapidly pulling off the shelves. Erica and Boyd were shutting windows and bolting them. Derek paced in front of the door with his usual scowl on his face. Stiles finally got his heart rate under control and glanced up at Derek.

“Please tell me you know how to kill this thing.”

Derek’s eyes flashed red as the door shuddered, “I don’t even know what this thing is.”

Stiles spun on the floor until he was facing Lydia, “What about your bountiful wisdom? Anything on evil shadow creatures?” Stiles narrowly avoided the book that was thrown at his head.

“Get reading, the wards aren’t going to hold that much longer.” Lydia chucked books at the other members of the pack, all of them catching them gracefully.

“Freaking werewolves, this is really how I wanted to spend my Tuesday night, frantically doing research to try and figure out what nightmare creature from the black lagoon was going to kill me and eat me.” Stiles muttered. Derek kicked the book closer to him.

“Real fucking helpful Derek.” Stiles snarked, picking it up and started to leaf through it.

The side of his mouth might have twitched up, but it was gone before Stiles could really see it. Besides, he had more important things to worry about, like dark swirly evil monsters.

That would probably eat them.

Great.

 

“I think I have something?” Scott said after twenty minutes of angsty page flipping. The door kept thumping at random intervals and the windows had started rattling around in their panes. The wolves kept getting more and more tense.

Lydia raised an eyebrow, “Why was that a question?”

Allison sat up from where her head was lying on Scott’s stomach. They looked way too comfortable for being on the edge of death and dismemberment.

“It’s in Greek, with Persian footnotes and Arabic written in the margins.” Allison frowned at the book, “and you’re holding it upside down.”

Lydia groaned as Scott flipped the book over and all the confusion fell off of his face.

“I was just looking at the pictures anyway.” Scott shrugged and passed the book to Lydia. The two girls poured over it, Lydia’s forehead scrunched.

“I think this might be right. It fits, fierce, dark, vicious, prey. Something about the forest…”

“I think that says ‘fleet of foot’.” Allison pointed to a scribble.

“What is it?” Derek gritted out as the boards on the door started wrapping.

“A Shadhavar?” Erica read off the top of the page.

Stiles nudged his way into the circle around the book.

“Or a cartazones in Greek or a karkadann in Arabic.” Lydia supplemented.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Stiles laughed, a weird edge to his voice, “It’s a unicorn?”

 

Derek was pacing again. It was always bad news when Derek paced.

“So we know what it is, how do we kill it?” Jackson asked.

“Can’t they be like, tamed by virgins?” Scott blinked at Lydia. Stiles chose to ignore the look Jackson gave him.

“We don’t want to tame it, we want to kill it. How.” Derek and Boyd were shoving chairs and bookcases and tables over the door and windows.

“You could start by making that a question.” Stiles made his voice as saccharine as possible.

“How do we kill the evil unicorn?” Derek growled.

“Normal ways, I think, blunt force trauma, stab it’s heart, decapitation.” Lydia shrugged a shoulder like she was talking about which shoes best matched her outfit. “The only tricky part is this clause, who can do it. Firstly they have to be human,” The wolves all looked a bit dejected. “The ‘tamed by virgins’ part isn’t real, the myth was started because when faced with a unicorn, virgins had the highest chance of survival.”

“Because they could kill it?” Stiles asked, liking this situation less and less.

“Because they were the only ones who couldn’t hurt it. They always ran away, thus were usually the ones to survive.” Lydia finished, snapping the book closed.

“Fuck.”  Scott grimaced.

“Basically.” Stiles placed both hand’s on Allison’s shoulders, “You ready to kill a unicorn, badass hunter princess?”

Allison blushed from her cheeks to the tips of her ears.

“Um, actually… depends on your definition of virginity?” she was pointedly not making eye contact with Scott.

Stiles removed his hands like they had been burned. “ No . You have got to be kidding me. You two really haven’t rounded home plate?”

“We are going to do something special, shut up.” Scott was blushing now too.

“I think they mean the most traditional sense of the word.” Derek said awkwardly.

“Which mean’s I can’t do it either.” Lydia leaned back into Jackson’s chest.

Stiles’s mouth gaped open, “Seriously?”

Lydia shrugged, a smirk playing over her lips, “What can I say, Jackson likes being-” His growl drowned out the rest over her sentence.

“Oh my god!” Stiles’s arms flailed a bit out of his control, “You’re all in committed long-term relationships with super hot people! How are you all virgins!”

“Hey,” Erica pouted, “Boyd and I have a very healthy sex life, thank you very much.”

“No one needs the details,” Boyd put an affectionate hand over her mouth, “And besides, neither of us are human.

Stiles was pacing, hands running through his hair.

Derek was standing stock still, an unhappy look on his face.

Well, more unhappy than usual.

“So what are we going to do?” Erica licked her way out of Boyd’s grasp.

Scott’s pointer finger instantly flew to his nose and his other arm grabbed Allison and dragged her towards him, “Not us!”

Lydia crossed her arms, “Well I’m certainly not doing it.”

“Fine!” Stiles yelled, heart racing, “I’ll do it, I’ll kill the fucking unicorn, but if it eats me alive you two have to explain to my dad that his son is dead because you didn’t sex up your boyfriends.”

“Stiles, no-” Derek started.

“Didn’t you listen at all, Stilinski?” Jackson sneered, “You need to have had sex with a living, breathing person. Not your right hand.”

“I know.” Stiles picked up his bat from where it was laying on the floor.

Jackson gaped, “Prove it.”

“Just trust me on this.” Stiles hissed.

“You would have told me.” Scott pointed out, “Unless it was someone weird or old. Or Erica.”

“I wish.” Erica snorted.

Stiles couldn’t meet anyones eyes, but he felt a pair digging into his back. He didn’t want to look.

“Who was is? Was it Shelly? I know she has a thing for you.” Lydia demanded.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m not a virgin. I’m human. I can kill it. Well, try to kill it.” Stiles dragged furniture out of the way of the door.

Scott grabbed his shoulder. “I’m not letting you go out there unless we’re all sure you can kill this.”

“Stiles,” Derek said softly, “Answer their questions.”

“Fine,” Stiles tugged his arm out of Scott’s grip, turning to face Lydia, “How tradition does the definition have to be? Because if it’s penis-in-vagina sex, I haven’t had that.”

There was a moment of pure silence.

“Danny?” Jackson looked horrified, “You didn’t.”

“No, he didn’t.” Derek lifted his chin like he was daring them to comment.

And, because they were a pack of stupid teenagers, they all did.

“What the hell Stiles! When did you stop hating each other?”

“Nice job Stilinski.”

“Oh my god, that thing three months ago! That was totally… that explains so much.”

“What.”

“Congrats, I guess.

“Oh shit that must be so hot.”

Stiles threw Erica a withering glare.

“So if that counts, I can do it.” Stiles paused and blushed a bit, “And we’re good both... directions.”

Jackson made a little ‘huh’ noise but didn’t say anything else which probably had more to do with Derek red-eyed Alpha-glaring him than actually having some manners.



Several hours later Stiles flopped back onto the bed and burrowed his face into Derek’s side until Derek grumbled and slung his arm over his back and pulled him tight into his side. Which was Stiles’s goal from the start, so, score one Stiles.

“What.” Derek mumbled, already drifting off.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.”

“So what? I think lot’s of things. Like how badass I am and how much you wanted to jump my bones after I brutally killed a unicorn with a baseball bat.”

“Say whatever you’re thinking and then let me go to bed.”

“Now that we’re out to the pack can I stop taking really thorough showers? Because not going to lie, they were kind of a pain in the ass. Not even the fun kind of pain in the ass, but necessary pain that I put up with. Because of your ass.”

“Stiles. Shut up. Showering is still important, it’s polite.”

“What?” Stiles levered himself onto an elbow, “Do you not want me to go out smelling like this? Going to school reeking for you and sex, letting everyone know that I’m yours?”

Derek growled and suddenly he was straddling Stiles, biting a sharp trail down his chest.

“Oh my god,” Stiles gasped, back arching, “Fucking werewolves.”