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Pondering Reality

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Early morning.

Madotsuki yawned, wiping the sleep from her eyes. Was this her room, or was this a dream? It was hard to tell at this point. Was her life itself a dream? She pinched her cheek. Madotsuki could only assume she was awake. The smell of flowers and rain and sunshine filled her bedroom with warmth. Her bed felt warmer.

Patting her plain, white sheets before sighing and looking around the four walls that were supported by bricks and wood and plaster and whatever. Who knew what was behind those four walls, those four protectors. Was anything behind them? Or was the universe some sort of joke or dream-like substance behind those materials that only she could unravel with her own fingertips.

Life was so pointless, sleeping and sleeping and playing with her one video game. Was that all live was? Some worthless dream only to wake up to the harsh reality then to have one be locked in a singular plane of existence for years and years on end until they sleep, or get stabbed, or choked, or fall off a building only to enter another dream?

Where dreams real? Was life a real concept? In her dreams Madotsuki murdered innocent creatures without relent, or a reason. Was there a reason to live? On her bed, if it existed- she stood up, stretching her arms only to have the sleeve of her sweater retreat to down to her elbow to reveal the scars. Long, light pink lines that swerved across her smooth skin that once used to be covered with blood.

Blood was such a useless substance, despite everyone having it. It dribbled and stuck to one’s clothing and just made a huge mess that nobody wanted to pick up. Her room was a mess, in her opinion despite nothing really being in it. Pillows and papers strewn lazily across the floor, the trash can that was filled with notes and bloody tissues and long, long paragraphs about the car crash and the event at the mall.

She hates the mall, with the man that forced her to stay quiet and made her stay still. Made her stop screaming and do what he said. How it stained the back of her throat and she stopped breathing, he choked her, despite all the pleas and begging for him to stop. Madotsuki really hates the mall.

Shaking her head, Madotsuki disposed of the memory temporarily. Knowing it would only come back later in a dream or something. Her head felt fuzzy, like it was filled with TV static or white noise. It hurt. This only happened after a dream, it started after the car crash.

The car crash was years ago, Madotsuki was very, very young. When she used to go outside and play with her parents watching from the safety, the true comfort of the of indoors. Two of her neighbors, whom she did not know the names of were playing in the street.

They must be sisters of some sort, that’s what she always assumed. The two girls looked alike, pretty faces with matching black and white outfits with long black hair. The shorter sister’s hair was always pulled into two, small pigtails. Monoko, the small pigtailed one was playing in the street and a bright white car swerved by and hit her on the spot.

Madotsuki tries to forget the horrors, the terrors of the person she assumed of her friend being turned into something inhuman. Her previous, childlike imagination turned her dear companion into a five-armed, screaming monster. The girl’s sister, Monoe stood there, watching her sister scream and cry silently.

Now Monoe and Monoko occasionally appear in Madotsuki’s dreams. They don’t do much, just stand in different places. Madotsuki makes sure to write everything down in the dream diary. It seems like a good way to forget about the mysterious reality or the realistic dreams she has.

Maybe the dreams are reality itself. The girl wonders as she scribbles a few words in her dream diary with the same look on her face. Not quite happy, but not quite sad ethier. Neutral. Constantly neutral. Never changing, always the same. Like the cycle of waking up and sleeping and waking up and sleeping. It never ended.

Possibly, there was no point in living because she was so neutral towards life itself. Yeah, that was it. Madotsuki could've been constantly sleeping, and her death wouldn’t matter if a dream was suddenly the true reality in itself, and death can’t happen in a dream. But would she die if a dream was reality and it was all some sort of empty void.

If life was a void, what was really worth living aside from dreaming which could just be the reality Madotsuki would probably wake up. As if something as unattainably unobtainable as death would just be an endless loop that would constantly restart. The teenager stands up from her small, cluttered desk and opens her door to the balcony.

Not much is on the balcony, a drying towel, a generator and an empty bucket. Bird feces scatter the railing as a sign of life in this broken, fake truth that she used to call reality. Madotsuki sighed as she carefully climbs on the railing and turns herself around. She smiles to herself before spreading her arms like an eagle and falls backwards. 

As the small, innocent child fell, the world seemed to be in almost slow motion. The balcony getting farther and farther away as Madotsuki grabbed towards it, a small smile growing on her face and her body getting closer and closer to the ground. The wind howled and screamed, snapping at her eardrums like an upset animal.

The way Madotsuki grabbed towards the distant balcony made her resemble a newborn in its crib, lazily attempting to grab a mobile that was about a foot, or in Madotsuki’s case, ten feet away. Suddenly, Madotsuki closed her eyes before she hit the ground with a hard, audible crack. Her limbs were contorted, making the child look more like a ragdoll then an actual human.

Blood splattered against the ground the same way an egg did when it was dropped. The useless substance, despite everyone having it. It dribbled and stuck to one’s clothing and just made a huge mess that nobody wanted to pick up. Now, it was stuck to the messy entanglement of Madotsuki’s body and ran down the cracked pavement like water after a rainstorm.

Madotsuki’s vision began to blur, in an almost dreamlike way. Reality was slipping from her fingertips, everything felt like static, but the almost… pleasurable static. If that, like she- existed. The world was slipping into a dream, like she was falling asleep, a kind, warm, loving sleep that she knew she wouldn’t wake up from.

This time, Madotsuki couldn’t pinch herself awake.