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Moleman's Epic Rap Battles

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Let me try to make this Brief:

We've got artsy, sexy style; we're the Daughters of Anarchy.

We sure as fuck won't lose to you bug–eyed, motherless monstrosities!

I'm an angel; you were made by accident like Mr. Hyde.

Go jump on the nearest asteroid and catch a one–way ride.

Think we'll go easy on you three just because you're five years old?

FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm perfectly willing to put bullets in your skulls,

And I mean fucking bullets, not your mutated squirrel friend.

I'll shoot you dead, and you'll be done: no more specials, the end.

BOOM–HEADSHOT! I'll blow you up just like your retard sister, Bunny,

Then do the same to your fucking ghosts and make some cold, hard money.

What we've got going on makes fucking South Park seem tame,

And I'm proud to say that my sex life puts Glen Quagmire to shame.

In short, me and my sister here are serving up more pandemonium

Than I did in bed last night with Professor Utonium!

But wait, there's more! Right after finishing fucking your creator,

I spent this morning screwing with your old pal, the Narrator!



Shut your fatherfucking mouth before I'm forced to smack a bitch.

You're the biggest slut I've ever seen outside of Maury Povich!

Yeah, I don't normally swear, but with you involved, it's a moot point,

So screw Chemical X! I'm opening a can of Whoopass in this joint!

You don't scare me one bit with that undie–gun you're packing;

If you're a maneater shark, I guess that makes me the Craig McKraken!

You clearly think you're a sex goddess, but let me ask you this:

Have you ever literally killed a boy with a single kiss?

You'll impale yourself on anything remotely resembling a wang;

I bet you'd even have a gang–bang with the Gangreen Gang!

Compared to you, even Sedusa looks like a freaking nun.

I wouldn't be shocked to learn you even ate a piece of poop once!

Go to Hell, you whore, and suck Dick Hardly's hard dick.

I'm a commander and leader, while you're dumb as a brick!


Yo, you call, Blossom?


(*The Rowdyruff Boys appear!*)


Brick: Yeah, the boys are back in town!


Well, if they get to join this battle, then so do we!


(Scanty and Kneesocks appear!)


Scanty and Kneesocks: Step aside, skanks!



Well, I love eating bug–




(Scanty and Kneesocks and the Rowdyruff Boys are banished back to pop–cultural limbo)





Um… okay then…

I Want You fingerless freaks to Fly Away Now.

You may have brute strength, but word–wise, you fight like a cow!

Slut–shame Panty all you want; You think she gives a single fuck?!

More of those are given whenever we kill our pet, Chuck!

Unlike her, though, I don't mess around… well, at least not as much;

I'll be on my A–game just as long as I can hold this sugar rush.

I'm a credibly–badass, sword–toting lolita.

You're incredibly outmatched; go back to fighting amoebas!

This bitch is the fiercest goth there's been since the sacking of Rome,

And she's screwing you more severely than could any Communist gnome!

There's nothing you can do about it: I'm going to beat you,

And, given what you're made of, I might as well also eat you!

Only a suicidal person comes between me and my sweets,

And NO, I don't give a fuck that I "should" be obese,

Because I'm not! So don't you dare tell me to go on a diet!

Now, try hitting me with something I didn't just call. Go on, try it!



I'm starting to seriously question this battle's validity;

That is, I'm starting to think that you're our direct parody!

You seem to be just like us, only perverted and twisted.

I'd call you our Japanese doppelgängers, but those already existed!

Wait, are you even Japanese? It's hard to tell with all that Engrish,

Though if you want to be REALLY confusing, you should use some Mo' Linguish.

They made you with too much sugar, and your sister too much spice,

While forgetting to add anything even remotely nice!

Moreover, when they made you, I'm pretty sure they were oncrack!

And by the way: Invader Zim called. He wants his sidekick back!

You fight demons, yes, but you're no morally different from them,

And speaking of those incestuous bitches: they've got nothing on HIM!

Against ridiculous odds, we've kept Townsville nice and clean,

While your Daten City, just like you yourselves, is obscene!

It's a Hellhole, literally; you somehow even have a mayor

That makes ours look like Mike Haggar; you haven't a prayer!

I'm taking it on myself to put you down where you belong.

Your mother should have long since stomped you out like Monty Python!



The name is Garterbelt, better known as the Master G,

And I will personally smite the Announcer if he attempts to dismiss me!

You shouldn't even be surprised that I'm joining this battle;

Those two bitches and I are a trio; look, I'm in the goddamn title!

While it is indeed commendable, your efforts in fighting crime,

Your experience is NOTHING, hear it: NOTHING next to mine!

I've been here, observing history, since the beginning of time,

And that kind of worldliness makes for some killer skill with rhymes!

While all the shit you've said about those hoes I mentor may be true,

I'm basically Tony Montana as the Wandering Jew!

I know of only a handful of things more badass than that,

And I've seen it ALL! Even my hair is ready for combat!



Go home and bind and gag yourself, you hypocrite pedo.

You're just barely a better priest than Judge Claude Frollo!

This is between us three and those two, so go away

And let me spit the mad words that I'm about to say:

To call you skanks angels is an insult to the Bible!

You make Bartleby and Loki look like Gabriel and Michael.

Even your fans all agree that, just like a certain "Princess",

As well as the Grinch before her, you had the balls to ruin Christmas!

You're even less worthy to be wearing those halos

Than the "angels" in a certain other program by your studio,

Which, seriously, both of you procrastinating heathens

Really ought to go back to to make that second season!

Us three have saved the day literally hundreds of times.

We're the most enduring icons of a network in its prime!

Our series is a modern classic amongst all demographics.

Yours is psychopathic, not to mention damn–near pornographic!

You two aren't merely "naughty"; you're outright depraved,

While we three manage to be both badass and well-behaved.

See, we don't need an X–rating to be cool.

Altogether now:

All PPGs:




Oh, and by the way, I'm a demon.


(Kills Panty, screen explodes)




(*"Technical Difficulties" screen*)


…Um…Who Won, Who's Next, I Decide, yada yada yada… I'm sorry, but WHAT THE FU–


(Cut to static)