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Moleman's Epic Rap Battles

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Mister Ed:

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, except for you, you little freak!

You're fans are a bunch of obsessed and whiny pervert manchild geeks!

What? You say they're cool? Don't make me laugh, for God's sakes.

I mean...

How could you say that when they write sick shit like Cupcakes?

And even though you've got that fancy horn and live with a little dragon,

You're weak! You can't even pull your own show's bandwagon!

You're purple like Barney,

And you look like a carny,

I'll terminate you like Arnie,

'Til you're deader than Jim Varney!

My show is classic; yours is saccharine and spastic.

You practice witchcraft, while my words are true magic!

And I'm breaking my oath of only talking to one guy,

To spit mad rhymes that'll make even Celestia cry!

To create you, Faust must have made a deal with the devil,

But when I'm done, your Ponyville will be leveled.

So save me some trouble, and put your mouth on that curb,

So I can stomp you with my hoof and blame it on Wilbur!


Twilight Sparkle:

Are you quite finished yapping? Your scary words don't trick me.

Your threats are idle; you're a more pathetic bitch than Trixie!

You're a one–trick–pony; I'm the coolest thing on TV;

I'll grab my friends and blast you with the Elements of Harmony!

The name's Twilight Sparkle; not a pansy vampire, either.

This will be a bigger landslide than Beethoven vs. Bieber!

And trust me: when you try to talk shit about Bronies,

You make yourself a bigger target than Joseph Kony!

Besides, last I checked, there are plenty of perverts in your land.

Might I remind you of Equus, or the infamous Mr. Hands?

You claim to be a stallion, but you act more like a llama.

You're boring! You're a lamer villain than King Sombra!

I can't see how you were ever a hit, even in the 60's;

The only Eds on television worth watching are these three!

*Ed, Edd and Eddy are shown*

Now, back to me: Do you seriously think you can win this?

You're an ugly old mule; I'm a magical goddess.

*Turns into an alicorn*


Mister Ed:

Wait, what? You grew wings?

That has to be a joke!

It's a bigger shark–jumping than Frying the Coke!

I'll trample you as soon as I'm freed from this stable,

So come at me, Has–bro, if you think yourself able!

I'll turn your hooves into glitter glue, mount your head on a wall!

And as for your little friends, I'll exterminate them all!

I'll shove Pinkie in the oven and make a pizza pie,

Feed Rarity to a Manticore and snap the neck of Fluttershy!

I'll go full–out Sweet Apple Massacre on Applejack,

Murder Rainbow Dash and take a dump on her memorial plaque!

I'll put Derpy down like Old Yeller, and be quick to pull the trigger.

I see you've realized you'll lose; took ya' long enough, ni–


Rainbow Dash:

Boo! Boo! Those are my two words for you!

You keep talking trash, but you're a bigger chicken than Scootaloo!

I run the full color spectrum of awesomeness;

You're a dull, unappealing, monochrome mess!

And this horse of a lack of color will be in for a jolt,

When I hijack this cloud and strike him with Wonderbolts!

Rainbow Dash is best pony, you racist old nag.

I'm 20,000% cooler than you, bitch! Swag.

Listen here, Francis: I'll beat you in ten seconds flat.

I've got the Sonic Rainboom; there's no way you can top that!

This kid's already gone further then you ever did, sucker!

So I'll leave you with this: