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Better Than I Know Myself

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Romantically speaking, Kurt's always been a bit of an anomaly. At least in comparison to all of his friends.

High school had been... well, nothing extraordinary. He joined the football team at his dad's insistance during his freshman year, then joined glee club at his best friend Finn's insistance his sophomore. While all of his friends seemed caught up in the whirlwind that was every high school romance ever, Kurt instead chose to focus on his academics, football, and improving his singing voice.

He did get a girlfriend in sophomore year. Brittany approached him during their Madonna week assignment announcing that Coach Sue wanted her cheerios dating younger men and Kurt was exactly two months younger than her. Kurt said yes because, well, why not. All his friends had girlfriends, or had had girlfriends at some point, and Brittany was pretty cute.

They stayed together until halfway through their junior year when Kurt finally found himself sucked into a crazy love triangle dynamic, albeit briefly. He'd kind of suspected for a while, so wasn't that surprised when Brittany admitted that she'd been seeing Santana on the side for almost the entirety of their relationship. To be honest he was more pissed at Santana than he was at Brittany, and he pulled her aside later that day to tell her that if she really wanted to be with Brittany, really honestly, she needed to drop the charades and the manipulations because Brittany deserved better than that.

After that he went back to keeping his focus on academics, football, and glee. He and Brittany remained close friends, which inadvertantly led him to becoming close to Santana and Quinn as well. It was nice to finally have friends who talked about things other than football or cars, the only two subjects Finn, Puck, Mike, and his dad seemed to care about.

Senior year rolled around and things stayed the same. He applied to schools all over the country and soon found himself with an acceptance letter to NYU on a football scholarship. He spent most of the year trying to figure out what major to go for with his father, and near the end of the year finally decided to double major it: musical theater and business.

"That way you can always come back and run the shop if things don't work out on Broadway," his dad said. Kurt agreed, mostly because if it weren't for his dad insisting on football four years ago he probably wouldn't even be going to New York.

Rachel Berry approached him at graduation announcing that she was moving to New York as well. She didn't want to live in the NYADA dorms with an absolute stranger, so suggested that they find an apartment together in the city. Rachel was never somebody that Kurt considered himself particularly close with, but Quinn seemed to like her, so Kurt agreed.

And then, finally, after four years of being stuck in Nowherseville, Ohio, Kurt was in New York.

That was when everything changed.

**

"He's gay," Rachel announces loudly as she pushes the door to their apartment open, "He's gay and I should have known because he's at NYADA studying musical theater, and I have two gay dads so you'd think I would be more aware, but no, flew right under my gaydar."

Kurt looks up from the spreadsheet he's working on for one of his business courses and raises an eyebrow in her direction, "Okay, first of all, not every musical theater major is gay. Brody wasn't gay, and I'm not gay. Look, two musical theater majors right there who aren't gay," Rachel huffs and flops into the seat opposite him at the kitchen table, "Secondly, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Blaine," she shouts the name, hands flying above her head, "The guy I was paired up with to learn the tango? I thought he was sending me major vibes, and then I asked him to get coffee after class and he said, and I quote, 'Yeah, sure, that sounds great, but just so you know, I'm super gay, so it won't be a date'."

Kurt hums and turns back to his spreadsheet, starting to lose interest, "That's nice."

"It was humiliating, and the worst part is that I had to pretend like I knew he was gay and just wanted to get coffee as friends. And now he wants to hang out again!"

"Oh no, someone wants to be your friend, what a tragedy."

Rachel kicks his shin under the table, "Don't be a dick. I'm heartbroken."

"You had a crush on the guy for a week. You got over Brody faster than that."

"Well, Brody was just my rebound. I was hoping Blaine could be... I don't know, something new."

"He can be. A new friend. Maybe one who actually cares about this kind of stuff?"

She kicks him again and this time he looks up to glare at her, "Just because you're a monk doesn't mean that-"

"I am not," his jaw drops.

"Yout totally are," she points an accusing finger at him, "You haven't dated anyone since junior year of high school, and we're halfway through our first year in New York and you haven't so much as brought a girl home." She narrows her eyes, "You're not asexual, are you?"

Kurt shakes his head, "No, I'm not. I just haven't found anyone I want to go out with, that's all."

"You know it would be okay if you are. Means I won't have to keep holding my breath for whenever you inevitably bring home some incredibly boring business major of a girlfriend."

"I know there's nothing wrong with being asexual, I'm just not. I told you, I just haven't found anyone that I like."

"Are you scarred because of Brittany cheating on you with a girl?"

"Oh my god," Kurt slams his head onto the table, "Please go back to talking about this gay boy you have a crush on."

"You know you can talk to me about these things, Kurt. I know we weren't that great of friends in high school, but I'd like to think we've become quite close over the past six months."

"Rachel, I promise you that as soon as I become interested in dating someone I will let you know. For now, I'm just focusing on school and not getting kicked off the football team."

Rachel snaps her fingers together, "The football game!"

Kurt blinks, "What."

"That's what I'll invite Blaine to. That way we can still hang out, but it won't be awkward because there'll be other people around."

"Rach, you hate football. You've never come to any of my games, and you didn't come to the games in high school even when Finn, the quarterback, was your boyfriend."

Rachel completely ignores him, pulling her phone out, "Yes, this is a great idea. It starts at six on Friday, right?"

He sighs, mumbles, "Yes," and goes back to his spreadsheet. Sometimes he really regrets agreeing to room with Rachel.

**

He leaves for the game as Rachel is overhauling her entire closet in her room, shouting that she has nothing that says "I'm okay with just being friends but if you turn out to be bisexual I wouldn't discount you as an option". Kurt honestly doesn't have much time for that, especially since this game is semi-finals and he really needs to be in the right headspace in order to win this.

He's just the kicker, so he normally doesn't do much, but what he does do is important. Normally he wouldn't worry, but during the last game the pressure had got to him and he'd overshot the kick by about a mile. They wouldn't have advance, but it seemed the other team's kicker was just as nervous and he blew the shot too. They went into overtime and managed to score one final touchdown. It had all turned out okay, but Kurt was honestly still a bit freaked out by the whole situation, and his teammates hadn't exactly been happy with him. He knows he needs to be on his A game tonight, and he won't be if he spends too much time getting sucked into Rachel's drama.

The guys on the team aren't as pissed at him as they were at the end of the previous game, but they still give him a hard time, reminding him to keep his head in the game, "This is the semi-finals Kurt, you can't blow it again."

Kurt normally hates when they talk down to him like that, but he sort of deserves is, so he doesn't say anything, just nods and continues to stretch.

**

He spends most of the game on the bench, as per usual. Every now and then he glances up at the stands, trying to find Rachel and her friend. It isn't until after half-time that he spots them, sitting near the middle of the stands, snuggled close and each holding a styrofoam cup. They're both far too dressed up for a football game, which makes Kurt snort. He wonders if Blaine even likes football.

As the game comes to a close, Kurt feels his heart speeding up in his chest. They're ahead, but if the other team's kicker makes the shot and he doesn't they'll still lose.

The other kicker makes the shot and Kurt's stomach drops right out of his body.

"You got this Hummel," Coach says, patting him on the back.

"You better have this," one of his teammates mutters. Kurt squares his shoulders and marches out onto the field, putting his helmet over his head.

"That's my roommate!" he hears Rachel shouting, and he glances up at the stands to see her jumping up and down and clapping for him, "Go Kurt! Go Kurt!"

He can't help but smile at that. Rachel may drive him up the wall on most days, but let it never be said that she isn't a good friend.

He reaches center field. All the clapping has stopped, and even Rachel seems to have calmed down a bit. Their quarterback, Jesse, gives him a 'don't fuck this up' look as he sets up the ball for the punt.

Kurt takes a deep breath, runs forward a few steps, and kicks the ball.

**

"Oh my god!" Rachel throws herself at him, "Kurt, you were so amazing! You did so well, I'm so proud of you!"

Kurt hugs her back, allowing himself to give in to the dramatics of the moment and spinning her around. She shrieks happily and clings to him, laughing right along with him.

As soon as he sets her down Jesse is approaching him, clapping him on the shoulder and saying, "You did good, Hummel."

"Thanks Jesse," Kurt grins. He's pretty sure it's the first nice thing that Jesse's ever said to him. Jesse grins back, then glances at Rachel and raises both eyebrows.

"Hey," he says."

"Hey," Rachel says, twirling her hair around a finger. Kurt rolls his eyes and turns to the boy standing perfectly still beside Rachel, about to introduce himself. His eyes lock on Blaine's and-

Oh.

Oh.

Everything seems to fall away at the sight of this boy. Kurt doesn't think he's ever encountered anyone as attractive as Blaine, with his slicked back hair, wide hazel eyes, slightly parted pink lips, gorgeous angular jaw-

Nobody, boy or girl, has ever made his stomach swoop the way it's swooping right now. He feels like the earth has been pulled out from under his feet. His knees are jelly and honestly he's surprised he manages to stay upright. Blaine's eyes just keep staring at him, big and deep and so gorgeous. Kurt never wants to look at anything else ever again.

Shit.

"Hi," Blaine says, snapping him out of his reverie, "I'm Blaine," he sticks a hand out, "You must be Kurt."

Kurt takes Blaine's hand, sparks running up his arm at the contact. He doesn't want to let go. "Yeah. Hi."

Rachel giggles at something loudly and Kurt drops Blaine's hand. "You were great out there," Blaine says, clasping his hands together in front of him. Kurt swallows thickly. He's wearing a dark grey peacoat and his shoulders are so broad and his waist is so small, god, Kurt didn't even realize he had a thing for small waists, he never used to think about how small Brittany's waist was.

"Thanks," Kurt says, breathless.

"I've never really been to a football game before," Blaine admits, ducking his head. He's so adorable and beautiful and fucking hot as hell, Kurt just wants to scream, "But I could tell you really made the game."

"Hell yeah he did," an arm slings around Kurt's shoulder and he glances over to see Dave Karofsky grinning at Blaine, "Hey, I'm Dave. Running back."

"Blaine," Blaine smiles, "Anyway, I'm really glad Rachel invited me here today. I had so much fun."

"Oh, you're friends with Rachel?" Dave says before Kurt can get a word in, "I didn't know she was seeing someone new."

Kurt wants to kill him. "Uh, no, she's just my friend," Blaine says, cheeks heating up a bit, "I'm gay, so."

"Really," Dave's arm falls off of Kurt's shoulder, "That's really great."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely."

"Okay," Kurt claps his hands together, "I really want to get out of here so I can take a shower. Blaine, are you coming back to our place to hang out?"

Blaine gives Kurt a surprised look, "I- Am I invited?"

"Of course," Kurt gives him the kindest smile he can. "Let me just pull Rachel away from Jesse and we can get going."

Rachel and Jesse are exchanging numbers, which makes Kurt rolls his eyes. He knew Rachel had a thing for football players. "So you'll call me, right?" Rachel asks, fluttering her eyelashes excessively. Kurt rolls his eyes again.

"Try and stop me," Jesse flirts right back.

"Rach," Kurt says, making both of them turn toward him, "Let's go, I'm getting cold. I invited Blaine over, by the way."

"Oh, yay, are you two getting along?" Rachel grins, waving goodbye to Jesse and linking her arms with Kurt, "I'm so glad," she leans in close and whispers, "Why didn't you tell me that the quarterback on your team was the hottest guy in the entire world? I would have been coming to your games all season."

"Really, Jesse's the hottest guy in the world?" Kurt wrinkles his nose.

"Like you would know anything, straight boy," Rachel smacks him on the chest. His heart skips a beat as he looks over to where he left Blaine. He and Dave are still talking, and Dave has his phone out, which makes Kurt's heart drop into his stomach.

"Blaine," Rachel chirps, "Stop flirting and let's get out of here."

Blaine blushes again, says goodbye to Dave and hurries over to join them. Kurt glances back to see Dave checking Blaine out as he leaves. He scowls.

Straight boy. Huh.

**

By the time Blaine says he has to go Kurt's mind has tangled itself up into such a mess he isn't even sure where to begin.

"It's late," he blurts as Blaine puts his coat back on, "You should just stay the night."

Oh, well. He supposes that's a good place to begin.

Blaine gives him a cautious smile and thanks him, accepting the offer immediately. Rachel hurries to set up the couch, and Kurt heads over to his rom and pulls out a pair of sweatpants that are a bit small on him and one of his old Hummel Tires and Lube shirts. Blaine thanks him and goes to the bathroom to change. As soon as he's gone Rachel abandons the couch and smack's Kurt on the arm.

"What the hell is going on with you?"

Kurt rubs his arm, "Um, ow."

"Why are you acting so weird? Why do you look so uncomfortable around Blaine? Is it because he's gay, because I will have you know-"

"Rachel, slow down. What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Blaine and your inability to act like a normal human being around him," she whisper shouts, glancing at the bathroom door, "I mean, one second you're babbling about football like a crazy person, then you don't speak for an hour, and you keep looking away every time Blaine so much as glances your way. I mean, if I didn't know any better I'd think you-"

Her eyes widen and her jaw drops. "Oh my god."

Kurt shakes his head immediately, "No."

"Oh my god," Rachel's face splits into the widest grin, "You like him."

"Rachel, shut the hell up," he hisses, "And no, I don't."

"You do! You so do. Look at you, you're blushing, oh my god."

"Stop it," he places his hands on her shoulders to stop her from bouncing around, "Stop it right now. I do not like him, okay?"

"Yes you do," she's still smiling like a loon, "Aw, well no wonder you never brought any girls home. This is too cute."

"I said stop it," he hisses as the bathroom door opens and Blaine walks out. He's practically swimming in Kurt's clothes, the pants too long and the shirt far too big. Kurt almost swallows his tongue at the sight of him.

Blaine glances between them, "What... What is it?"

Rachel squeals, "Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll just go finish setting up the couch for you."

Kurt can't seem to stop staring at Blaine, and Blaine flushes, "What?"

"Nothing," Kurt shakes his head, "I-" he can't seem to get anything else out so he shuts his mouth. Blaine glances down at himself and shrugs.

"Yeah, it's a bit big on me," he says chuckling.

"Right," Kurt nods, "Yes. A bit big. Excuse me."

He hides behind his curtain partition, throws himself on his bed, and pushes his face against his pillow. Why is this happening to him? Why, why, why.

"Is Kurt okay?" he hears Blaine ask Rachel, sweet and concerned. God, he's perfect, why is he so cute and hot and kind and friendly and perfect?

"He just had a long day," Rachel chuckles, "Now, do you want any more pillows or blankets? It can get kind of cold her at night."

"I'll be okay," Kurt hears the couch squeak and has a sudden mental image of Blaine curled up on the couch, blanket up to his chin, sleepy and adorable. He pushes his face further into the pillow.

"Alright, well, I guess we're all going to sleep now. Goodnight Blaine. Thanks for coming to the game with me tonight."

"Thanks for inviting me. I had a lot of fun."

"Me too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

The lights shut off and Kurt hears Rachel's curtain slide shut. Everything is quiet. There is a gorgeous boy on his couch. This morning Kurt didn't even like boys and now he can't stop thinking about how there's one on his couch.

Everything is such a mess.

**

It's three in the morning and Kurt has been tossing and turning all night. He's been trying to make sense of the thoughts swirling around in his head, but can't seem to make any sense of them.

He's never questioned himself before. Not even once throughout his entire life. He's never had some kind of moment where he realized 'Oh, I like boys' or 'Man, girls are where it's at'. He's simply assumed he liked girls because, well, all his friends liked girls. Hell, even his girlfriend liked girls. Boys never even felt like an option.

Blaine is a boy though. Blaine is a boy, and if Kurt really was straight then he wouldn't be having thoughts about him. Snuggly thoughts. Date-y thoughts. Kissing thoughts.

"Fuck," he mutters out loud. "Fuck," a little quieter.

There's a rustling sound, quiet footsteps, then, "Kurt?"

He sits up, eyes wide, staring at Blaine who is peeking at him from behind the curtain. "Blaine?"

"Sorry," Blaine says, "I heard you moving around, and then you were talking. Sorry, I'll leave."

"No," Kurt whispers, "No, you don't. You don't have to leave."

Blaine smiles softly, coming forward slowly and perching himself on the edge of the bed. Kurt wants him closer, so he says as much, "You can come closer you know. I won't bite."

Or maybe I will he can't help but think as Blaine shuffles closer to him, bottom lip trapped between his teeth. Kurt really wants to know what it feels like to be the one nibbling on that bottom lip. God, what the hell is wrong with him.

"You know," Blaine pulls his knees up to his chest, "I was considering going into psychology."

Kurt raises an eyebrow, "Oh?"

Blaine nods, "So, you know. If you wanted someone to talk to..." he shrugs, "I know we only met today, but sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to a friend."

Kurt stares at him, takes a deep breath, "I don't know," he admits, "My thoughts are... kind of a mess. I don't know if I'd even know how to vocalize them."

"Do you want to try?" Blaine asks, raising his eyebrows, looking almost hopeful.

Kurt looks down at his blanket, at Blaine's feet, his toes barely poking out from under the hem of the sweatpants. "I've just-" he tries to start, then shakes his head, "I've never really thought-" Blaine is chewing on his bottom lip again, "Fuck."

Blaine moves a little closer, "Is this about your football game?"

He's staring at Kurt with those wide eyes, and it's dark but Kurt swears he can still see them shining. His lips are bee stung from his continuous biting of them, and Kurt can't, he just can't.

He reaches forward, takes Blaine's face in his hands, and pulls him into a kiss.

Now, Kurt doesn't have that much experience with kissing. He's only kissed one person after all. But he knows, he just knows that kissing Blaine is different. Kissing Blaine is what he's supposed to be doing. Gay, or straight, or whatever his sexuality is, none of that matters. He just needs this boy's lips against his own for as long as Blaine will allow.

Blaine kisses back hesitantly, gently, his hand coming up to cup Kurt's jaw, holding him close. His tongue briefly slips into Kurt's mouth, giving Kurt's own tongue a tiny kitten lick that makes his insides turn to goo. Holy sweet hell how has he gone nineteen years without this in his life?

It's Blaine who pulls away, but only barely, resting his forehead against Kurt's, their breaths intermingling in the space between them. "Wow," he whispers. Kurt hums in agreement.

Quietly, he says, "I thought I was straight."

Blaine's eyes open and he stares into Kurt's, "You-"

"Until today, when I had some decidedly not-straight thoughts about you."

"Oh," Blaine's eyes are wide, "Oh, wow."

"I..." Kurt takes a deep breath, "I don't know what this means. For me. I don't know if I'm gay, or bi, or... or, I don't know, demisexual? I don't know. But I'd," he pauses, staring into Blaine's eyes and hoping Blaine can sense the sincerity in his words, "I'd really like you to help me figure it out."

Blaine nods, "Of course," he pulls Kurt in for another electric kiss, which Kurt melts into.

"Go out with me," Kurt breathes, "Tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Please, go out with me."

"Every day," Blaine says, "I'll go out with you every day."

Kurt giggles, "That's a bit ambitious."

"Don't care," and he pulls him right back in for another kiss.

They fall asleep like that, lips an inch apart, arms wrapped around each other. It's the best sleep Kurt's had in years.

**

Rachel teases them in the morning, and after Kurt returns from getting breakfast with Blaine she scolds him for not telling her that he was gay. He explains that he didn't know – still doesn't really know, honestly. He liked Brittany, at the time, and even though his feelings for her were nowhere near as strong as his feelings for Blaine he doesn't think it's fair to just discount them.

He and Blaine don't go out every day, but they do see each other at least six times over the course of two weeks. They go to dinner, they go for coffee, they watch movies at Kurt and Rachel's apartment, they go for walks in central park.

It's surprising how easily Kurt falls into a relationship with Blaine. He's been doing research online and read tons of articles written by gay or bisexual men who spent years trying to figure themselves out. One man wrote that even after coming out of the closet he still wasn't able to even hold hands with a man for years.

When he shares his worries with Blaine, Blaine just covers his hands in his and says, "Everybody's different, Kurt. Don't judge yourself based on other people's experiences."

That same week he accidentally comes out to his teammates. They've just finished practice when Dave approaches him, clapping him on the shoulder, and saying, "Dude, what is with your friend Blaine? He was totally flirting with me after the game but when I texted him he blew me off. What's his deal?"

Kurt grins and replies, "Oh, sorry. He and I are going out now, so. Yeah."

Everyone turns to stare at him, but Kurt just shrugs.

"Wait, you're gay?" Dave asks, narrowing his eyes at him.

Kurt shrugs, "Maybe? I don't know. I'm still figuring that out. But yeah, me and Blaine, definitely a couple. Sorry, bro." He claps Dave on the shoulder and walks away, grinning. He can feel his teammates eyes on him and he couldn't care less.

They can stare all they want. Things finally make sense, and Kurt is not going to let anybody ruin that for him.

**

Blaine comes home with him over March break. Kurt doesn't tell his dad that he's bringing his boyfriend, only that he's bringing someone. His dad sounds excited to meet this 'someone', saying it's about time Kurt got back out there.

It's the first time Kurt's felt worried about all of this. Telling his friends and teammates didn't feel like a big deal, but telling his dad... That definitely feels like a big deal.

Blaine squeezes his hand tightly the entire way to Columbus and whispers reassurances into his ear whenever he can. He tells him about how excited his parents are to meet him, and how his brother's even flying out for the weekend so he can finally meet the famous Kurt. It makes Kurt feel a little bit better, at least for the plane ride.

As soon as they touch down though, well that's an entirely different story.

His dad's picking him up, so Kurt, eager to just get this over with, slips his hand into Blaines, links their fingers together, and begins to pull him out of the gate and into the arrivals section.

He spots his dad soon enough and weaves his way through the crowd to get to him, dragging Blaine along with him.

"Kurt," his dad hugs him tightly. Kurt returns the hug with one arm, unable to bring himself to let go of Blaine's hand, "Missed you bud."

"Missed you too dad," he says, smiling. "Um." He gestures to his and Blaine's connected hands. His dad looks down then turns to Blaine.

"So, you're someone, huh?" he says, shaking his head, "Well, goddamn."

Kurt feels his heart sink, "Dad?" he tries.

"You know, Kurt," his dad says, placing a heavy hand on Kurt's shoulder, "If your mom were alive, I'd owe her fifty bucks."

Kurt blinks in surprise, lips falling open in shock. Burt winks at him, then grabs his suitcase and immediately starts questioning Blaine on how he met his son.

**

That night his dad pulls him aside and says, "So. Blaine, huh?"

Kurt shrugs, glancing toward the living room where Blaine is curled up on the couch watching a football game, "It just kinda happened."

Burt nods, "Guess I always kind of suspected," he shrugs, "Thought I was wrong when you dated that cheerleader though."

Kurt chuckles, "I liked her," he admits, "But with Blaine... I don't know. It's different. Better."

"Good," His dad nods, "You happy?"

"Yeah, dad. I'm happy."

"That's all that matters then. And you know I accept you, right? No matter what, gay, straight, anything in between. You're my boy."

"Thanks dad," Kurt says, leaning in to give his father a hug.

When they separate, Burt gives him an apprasing look and says, "So, what are you then? You gay? Can I start telling people about my gay son?"

"How niche," Kurt teases, then shrugs, "I don't know what I am," he says, "I've been trying to figure it out for months and I just, I can't land on a label."

Burt nods, "Gotcha," he says, "But you're not straight, right?"

Kurt laughs, looking back at the living room and smiling softly when Blaine turns to give him the sweetest, most loving grin, "No," he says, absolutely certain about this one thing, "Definitely not straight."