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The Grey World

Chapter 38: Warlord

Notes:

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments! I appreciate each and every one of them!
I'm so happy that I didn't ruin the story for you by making Harry a shapechanger (I'm still not entierly certain how that happend, by the way, it just did) and that you liked my solution to the mystery that was his sometimes claws, teeth and strange eyes. And your reactions to Voldemort's reaction to Naga-Harry was priceless!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“One thing that I’m unable to escape in this shape is Naga instincts,” Harry said slowly. “Right now, I am a Naga, instincts and all. This early after the change I should, by rights, have better control and be able to keep my instincts enough in check to at least not act on them. But I have never run across this … instinct … before. It’s stronger than anything else I have felt so far …” He breathed deeply again. “Since we are married and we, for all intents and purposes, have mated, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised when my Naga-self sees you as my mate.”

Pleasure, fierce and irrepressible, almost painful, ripped through Voldemort at Harry’s words combined with the tail around his ankle, and he gasped, not able to hold back either the pleasure or his reaction to it. His spine arched and he shuddered, breathing hard.

Only the fact that Harry the turned away and placed a privacy barrier around Voldemort alone, kept Voldemort from wanting, needing, to lash out in humiliation and rage.

The fact that Harry did give him space and privacy, made the humiliation a little less pertinent. A part of him still wanted to lash out at Harry, at anyone and everyone, because this dared to happen, to him, out in the open, in front of someone.

The rest of him wanted to just enjoy the orgasmic pleasure that roared through him, sudden and undeniable. The tail around his leg was still stroking him and Harry’s words rang in his head. He let himself relax in his chair and closed his eyes, only for a moment. It was exhausting, being that aroused for so long and then climaxing because of a few words.

Words!

And a beautiful, caressing tail, he added and spelled himself and his robes clean. He truly didn’t know what to think of this, any of it.

Harry didn’t turn around until Voldemort broke the privacy barrier, then he came closer again and coiled himself up next to the little table. His tail still held on to Voldemort, and the exasperated glare Harry sent it told him that that wasn’t entirely voluntary from Harry’s side.

“I know you have no reason to believe me,” Harry said stiffly with his gaze on the table and his shoulders hunched, “what with the bet I mentioned and all, but what happened just now was not intentional on my part, in any way, shape or form. I would not do that to anyone. I apologise and I am willing to apologise again when our mind doors are open.”

So you will know that I truly mean it, went unsaid, but was understood.

After a slight hesitation Voldemort answered: “I believe you, and I accept your apology. No further apology is needed. You seemed to be unable to keep your tail under complete control, and you could not know what my reaction to your words would be.”

That was the simple truth of it. Voldemort still felt slightly humiliated, and rage burned deep, deep down, but he could admit that it was not Harry’s fault any more than it was Voldemort’s own. It had happened, and while Voldemort probably would spend some time pondering on exactly how it could happen, he did not need to shove blame around.

That kind of mindset was still new and quite uncommon for him, but he thought he could learn to appreciate it.

Harry huddled even more in on himself before he suddenly straightened, as if forcing himself to stop behaving like that. The tail tip around Voldemort’s ankle kept moving restlessly and Harry scrubbed at his face with his hands.

“I don’t know why you … I don’t know why my Naga-self sees you as my mate, when that hasn’t happened with anyone else I have had sex with since I first began to change shape. I have, naturally, not felt like you are my mate when I am in human form, because humans don’t have mates, but … Maybe it was the marriage part, the magic that binds us together because of that. Maybe the soul shard or the mind bridge … I don’t have an answer for that, and while I … guess that … you don’t mind the notion … too much … I am sorry for any … uneasiness this may give you.”

Voldemort poured them still steaming hot tea while he thought about what Harry had said and his own reactions. This needed to be discussed now before they could move on. There was a real chance that Harry on occasion would like the opportunity to change into his Naga-self, as he put it. It sounded like he was used to stay in that shape now and again. If anything, it sounded like Harry was unused to stay human for long periods of time. So, there was a chance that it would make him more comfortable if he could change shapes, to Naga or otherwise, at least partly in the open, and for that to happen they needed to figure this out.

For both their sakes.

When he had prepared both their cups to their liking and handed Harry his cup, he took one sip from his own and set the cup down.

“As you know I have three appearances, and I think you also know that I am not entirely human, though I am not a shapechanger of your calibre. One of my forms is quite snakelike. Maybe that was the deciding factor? Maybe that combined with the binding in marriage and the mind bridge? I cannot say anything for certain, but as you said yourself; I honestly do not mind the notion of being seen as the mate of your Naga-self. Although, I do not know what such a thing would entail …” He looked questioningly at Harry who shrugged.

“Me neither, this is the first time this instinct made itself known and while I have read a bit about Nagas, I have never met anyone, so I know very little.”

“Then I request that you tell me if I can help you with anything to make this easier; if you want to figure anything out or talk something through. This includes asking me to keep out of your way for a while, if the instincts make any difficulty for you. You have enough trouble already; you do not need Naga mating instincts to make more of it.”

He regretted the words as he said them. The thought of never seeing Harry as a Naga again was almost distressing, but it was necessary, and true. Harry did not need more of any kind of trouble, and mating instincts among creatures, beings and animals were notoriously strong and hard to deal with.

The tail around his ankle tightened painfully hard. Voldemort had just then picked up his cup and the sudden pain made the cup slip from his grip. China rattled against each other, and the tea spattered over the table when his whole body spasmed in pained surprise.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m so sorry!” Harry said hurriedly.

The tail loosened its grip, and the table and Voldemort’s robes were spelled clean and dry before he could blink. The cool tail and soft scales disappeared completely, and Harry stood on his two, human legs on the other side of the table, dressed in the clothes he had been in when he changed into the panther.

“That was apparently not the right thing to say,” Voldemort commented dryly, leaning back in his chair and watching as Harry sat down in his own chair and poured a fresh cup before preparing it as Voldemort liked it.

“Apparently not.” Harry handed him the cup. “I thought it best to take Naga instincts out of this conversation. Even though I truly miss that shape, strangely enough.”

Voldemort took the cup with a nod and when Harry slowly, almost hesitantly, opened his mind door, Voldemort opened his own. The experience these past months had shown that the more openness there was between them, the better. He had thought he would mind more, sharing so much of his feelings, his mind, but as he got as much as he gave, it was a fair exchange.

“I guess that while it is confusing and frustrating, I don’t actually need to know why my Naga-self decided that you are its, my, mate. Damn, that sounds strange. Honestly, I didn’t think this situation would ever come up, I’m human …” Harry stopped, blinked and frowned. The confusion in his mind got stronger before he shook his head.

“I’m really not, am I? Not anymore, not truly.” He frowned again and looked down into his tea. “So strange, I never thought of that before, but … I can be pretty much anything I want, and humans can’t do that. I’m not human, in the same way that werewolves aren’t human. I’m just mostly human.” He looked up with a small grin on his face, eyes sparkling and mischief rolling through his mind. “Beginning to regret this match yet?”

“Certainly not,” Voldemort said calmly. “We are simply two individuals who are just mostly human, instead of entirely. I can hardly complain about you not being completely human, when I myself am not.”

“That … is a good point.” Voldemort felt the approval from Harry, even before Harry said: “Thanks.”

“It is simply the truth, Harry. If you are alright with figuring out why I am your Naga-self’s mate and what that means, at a later date …?”

“Yes, the first I can accept never understanding, and simply just put it up to instinct. The second I might want to figure out at some point, as I quite like being a Naga, at least now and again, you know for variety’s sake …”

Joy, curiosity, possessiveness, lust, and wariness flooded through Voldemort at the words, and while he tried to keep the brunt of it in check for a moment, he soon gave up. It was too much to hold back with any success, and should he succeed, Harry would know that he held a lot back and that would probably be worse than letting him read Voldemort’s feelings in the first place.

He read Harry’s caution in answer to his possessiveness and lust, until the man slowly smirked, and Voldemort read more acceptance than caution. He didn’t quite know how that was possible, but he wouldn’t complain if Harry opted to not take offence at what Voldemort felt in this situation.

“No, I do most certainly not know, as I cannot decide what shape I hold,” Voldemort said slowly.    

“That’s true,” Harry conceded.

“Now, we should try to figure out how you can partly transform and how to stop you from unintentionally harming me.”

“But you are curious, I can feel that you are.”

“I am immensely curious, but I feel that we should discuss this first, as this was the reason you admitted to your abilities. If you feel like answering some of my questions after that, it would be very much appreciated.”

Harry nodded. “As I decided that I somehow had imagined it, after the first time I attacked you, I didn’t think much about any of it. I knew I could change into an animal with claws, but I also knew that I couldn’t partly transform. Only … what I thought I knew was wrong.”

He held up his hands and both of them started changing shape. When he stopped, Harry’s fingers were shorter and thicker and had big, retractable claws instead of fingernails. His hands were also broader and black fur covered the back of his fingers and hands. This was without a doubt something very close to the claws that had ruined Voldemort’s back and shoulders more than once.

“I never tested it before today, so I never knew that I could do it. That’s a how, at least. As to how to stop me from hurting you when I so far only have done so when I’m not exactly all there, mentally …” He shook his head, frustration filling his head.

“It has never happened before it happened to you, I know that much,” Harry continued in a low voice. “Hermi always kept people away if I was pissed or otherwise truly volatile, and I suspect that it will only happen if someone is close enough to be caught by my claws or teeth. As you have to be when the soul shard … acts up.”

“It has only happened three times, in four months,” Voldemort offered, “and the second time happened when we had sex. Because I cannot completely remember when it happened, I suspect it was at some point when I was on the mind bridge and did not completely feel my own body.”

Harry made a grimace and shame and regret darted around. “I thought I felt some pain from you, but you insisted that you were fine.”

“I did, and that was my choice.”

Harry nodded. “I can take it on as a project; trying to find something that will keep you safe during such incidents. If not a spell, then maybe a talisman or a potion, something fast acting, at least.”

“It would be good if you would do that, as I cannot think of anything that would suit the situation, and I honestly have a lot to keep on top of already. I assume it was your magic and not your actual claws that made it possible for you to destroy my fighting robe, so any solution must take that into consideration, too. The robes might not have been as well warded as yours, but normal claws should not have been able to destroy them.”

“I will keep that in mind.” Harry nodded.

“And your eyes have changed with your mood. Sometimes the colour just gets more intense and at other times they change or glow, or both. Your voice has also changed a time or two, and you have growled in a way a human with a human voice box simply cannot do.”

Harry closed his eyes and Voldemort could read unease, despair, anger and regret vying for power inside him. Then Harry took three deep breaths and shoved the feelings ruthlessly down, to be replaced with a heavy, heavy acceptance.

When Harry opened his eyes again, they were full of the resigned acceptance he felt, and so very tired.

“I never really planned on surviving the war, Voldemort,” he said slowly in a mere whisper. “Later, I never really planned to survive this marriage. Not in a way that would take me out amongst people again, at the very least.”

That was the chilling truth and it filled Harry’s mind to the brim. He had gone into the marriage prepared to die, or at the very least be held as a hostage for peace. Voldemort had known that, of course, but knowing it was different from feeling it. The memory of cold despair and grim surrender.

“If I am to go out amongst people, they will figure out that I am no longer human, sooner or later, because what you mention is not … news, not like the incidents we already have talked about. What you describe will continue to happen, whatever I do. Those kinds of reactions are an undeniable part of me, of who and what I am, now.

“The people closest to me during the war, those that survived, already know what I am, what I can do. They had little to no trouble accepting it. Those who see enough of me will figure it out, like you did. Like Astoria and Draco will do, or already have done.” He swallowed hard. “I did … a stupid thing back then, and if people want to shun me for it, they are welcome to do so. It won’t be the first time, nor the second. I do not care anymore.”

That was the truth, and also not quite. Harry did care, but he knew that was the price he had to pay for being around people, and he was willing to pay it. If he was allowed. If Voldemort would be willing to let Harry be seen now that he knew that Harry wasn’t human and was unable to completely hide it.

Silently and demonstratively, Harry held out his cup for more tea before taking a scone from the serving plate between them. Voldemort poured the tea and waited quietly while Harry doctored it to his liking.

“Very well, we will deal with it when it comes out,” Voldemort said, emphatically.

There was not much else he could say. He would not keep Harry caged, like Harry had feared in the beginning, like he might fear again right now. He would not do that. Could not do that. If magical Britain reacted badly when they found out, they would deal with it. He was the Dark Lord, and he had dealt with worse, much worse. He would not allow his people to ostracise his husband. Would not allow them to turn against him or hunt him because he was different.

He would not allow it.

Harry looked at him and blinked, the surprise written in both his face and his feelings. Then the surprise gradually bled out into quiet pleasure and Harry gave a slow smile. It made little sense to Voldemort, but he did appreciate both the feeling of pleasure and the smile. Maybe it was relief that Voldemort wouldn’t cage him, wouldn’t deny him companionship? But he didn’t really think that was it, because Harry’s feelings held very little in the way of relief.

“Alright, we will deal with it when it becomes necessary.” The satisfaction in Harry’s voice and mind was palpable, but the reason still evaded Voldemort.

Hurriedly he scrutinised their words and feelings until he realised exactly what he had said, what Harry had heard, and understood correctly.

We, as in they, as in both of them together.

We, as in not you alone

We.

And Voldemort had meant it as such, but maybe, maybe he had not said it before, meant it before.

He did now. Harry was his, his husband, his equal, his partner, his mystery.

His.

At the thought he couldn’t keep the possessiveness in check, and he grimaced, knowing that Harry would read his feelings as he felt them. Harry sent back exasperated amusement and when Voldemort met his husbands gaze, he saw dancing green eyes over the rim of the teacup. None of them said anything until Harry put his cup down.

“Would you consider making some plans, some possible responses, with me, for when people in general do figure out that you are more than just a wizard?” Voldemort asked.

“Yes, I think that would be good. Having some plans would be wise.”

“Good. Astoria already has made up her mind that you are not human. She helped heal me once, but even without that, I believe she would have seen enough to make that conclusion. It would not surprise me if Draco has noticed something too. If you want to be honest with them, so it would be easier for you to be around them, ask them for a Secrecy Oath. You can always release them from it later, if you so wish.”

“I think … I think I might do that. Should I release you from your Oath? I think … I believe I am comfortable doing that now that I know how you reacted.”

“That is your choice, Harry. If you want to be certain that I keep this secret a while longer, that is fine. If you want to release me now and let me decide what I say when, that too is fine.”

Harry wavered for five seconds before he released Voldemort from his Oath.

“Just … if you feel like spilling the beans, tell me beforehand, yeah?”

“I will not betray your trust, and if I at some point see no other solution than informing someone about this, I will tell you beforehand if at all possible.”

Harry nodded and they were quiet for a little while, before Harry gave a small sigh.

“So, do you have any questions?”  

“Do you know the limits for your shapes?” Voldemort asked immediately and was answered with a silent wave of amusement from Harry.

“There are some limits, but they are mostly connected to the variables I gave earlier, like if I’m tired or have used a lot of magic recently. I can get quite big and really small, I can fly and swim, and I can become pretty much every different magical creature and being I have bothered to try, so far. But again, if I keep a shape too long, it becomes dangerous. That is a very … hard limit.

“I can, strangely enough, not change how I look, when I look human. And while I can decide on different kinds of races within a species, like different kinds of dogs, I only have one shape from each. If I’m a Jack Russell Terrier, I’m the same Jack Russell Terrier every time, with the same size and colouring. That’s Jack Russell Terrier-Harry, as much as you saw Naga-Harry. The same goes for everything else. I cannot change that. The panther, tiger and so on, is the only version of me within that race. Though, I may be a different breed of tiger or wolf altogether.”

Voldemort felt riveted by the information, and almost opened his mouth to ask how this was even possible. Never had he heard, seen, or read anything to indicate that such a thing was possible. He quickly stopped himself before the words could leave him. Harry had made it very clear that he didn’t want to discuss that part, and he didn’t want to push, not in this. Not now.

Harry made a small sound and Voldemort knew that he read something from his feelings that Voldemort hadn’t meant for him to read.

“I will tell you what I can, but know that I cannot tell you more than this, because I don’t know anymore, any longer.” He swallowed hard and Voldemort nodded silently.

The trepidation and disgust he read from Harry was not good signs.

“As I said, I wanted a ritual to make sure that I could choose my Animagus form. That was all I wanted, but as I didn’t find anything in Europe, I kept looking on our travels, and we travelled a lot. At one point we found a pretty good clue and followed it, and no, I will not tell you where we ended up finding it.” He shuddered visibly and uneasiness roiled within him.

Harry’s uneasiness made Voldemort uneasy in turn. He knew that it was not much that could make his husband this disturbed. He still dearly wished to have a look at the ritual and see if maybe he could do something with it, adjust it or the like, but mostly he just wanted to see it because he really wanted to know what kind of ritual Harry talked about. What kind of ritual could make a wizard into a previously completely unknown type of shapechanger.

 “What I will tell you is that even after careful translation and double and triple checking, we still got it wrong. It was never supposed to change a normal wizard into an Animagus. Honestly, a normal wizard would never have survived that … that ritual. Never. I still can’t quite believe that I did. When it was done and all limbs were accounted for, I obliviated Hermi and Hermi obliviated me, so neither of us could spread the information, on purpose or by accident. The world should not have access to that kind of magic. It really, really shouldn’t.” Harry shuddered and kept his gaze on the table, shoulders hunched. His feelings were a mess of old terror, disgust and pain and a fresher fear, probably because he was afraid of Voldemort pushing the point.

Suddenly Harry forced all those feelings down and away and he straightened in his chair.

“Are people going to continue to bow, scrape and call me ‘my Lord’?” he asked.

“That is doubtful, if that is not your wish,” Voldemort stated after a moment. “Last night you were a leader, a Lord of your forces; your people. And that was easy to see, to feel. That does not mean that you always ought to occupy that role. Tell Astoria that you wish to be Mr. Potter, or Harry, again, and she will spread the word.” 

Harry nodded. “I will, I can … acquiesce to being a warlord, a battle lord, if that ever …” he stopped, closed his eyes, swallowed and opened his eyes again. “With my luck, that would be ‘when’ not ‘if’, it becomes necessary again.”

“You do not have to do anything you do not wish to, Harry, you have done enough for this world and in this war. You may leave the battlefields behind, permanently.”

“See, I don’t work like that, never did, unfortunately. In situations like the one yesterday, I can’t just think ‘good luck’ and see people leave for battle, knowing that it is quite possible that my own participation might change the tide of the battle. Might change the price we have to pay. I’m not wired that way. Even knowing that it’s a consequence of lifelong conditioning; I can’t just let it go.”

“Very well. Warlord it is, until you decide otherwise.”

Harry nodded at him, relief and gratitude in his mind. Then it changed to sharp determination and a hint of dry amusement.

“Don’t hex me now, but about your reaction to my Naga form …”

Voldemort narrowed his eyes, but didn’t go for his wand. There was too much determination in Harry, and too little amusement, for him to want to make fun of Voldemort and that … event.

“Go on.”

Harry nodded. “I do realise that was not ideal in any way, but just so you know; I don’t shame people for whatever happens to push their buttons. And as you surely remember, I wasn’t exactly surprised by the fact that you liked that shape, either. People like what they like, and as long as things only happen between adults that have given their informed consent, I don’t really care what people do together. There is stuff I can’t comprehend, sure, but that doesn’t mean I feel the need to judge anyone for liking that. Just thought I should put that point out there, you know.”

Voldemort looked at Harry and looked at the feelings he could read from him like an open book. There were no lies, no revulsion and no judgement. Just acceptance. If Harry did feel repulsed by the fact that Voldemort liked, no, desired, Harry in his Naga shape, then Harry didn’t show it at all.

But why did he tell Voldemort this, now, and like this? What did he have to gain from it?

“This is about the fact that you believe you might want an actual sex-life with me, at some point,” Voldemort decided after a while.

That conversation, two months in the past now, was one of the more perplexing conversations Voldemort had had with anyone in his entire life. And that included this one when he had been told, shown, the fact that his husband wasn’t actually human. How Harry could ever consider wanting to have sex on a regular basis with the man that had killed his family and brought the Magical World to its knees through two bloody wars … That was beyond even his capability to understand.

“Well, yes, but only partly. I didn’t want anything to … fester, after what happened. I didn’t see any reason for me to let it, when I truly have no problem with what happened.”

Truth.

“And just, to be absolutely clear, I do know that the choice of whether we have a sex-life or not, isn’t just mine. You do not want to push me into something I don’t want, and I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want. I simply don’t want there to be any unnecessary obstacles to make any choice harder, for either of us. There are enough of those obstacles already.”

Voldemort frowned for a moment.

“I do see your point. However, I do not see how you could want to have sex with me more than that one, necessary time.”

That he had never presumed to be possible. He hadn’t given it much thought either, before that bewildering conversation. Sex was not that interesting. So, while he was more than proprietary enough to know that he didn’t want his husband to share someone else’s bed, hence the fidelity clause in the marriage contract, he hadn’t given much thought at all to his own sex-life. Or lack there off. Before that talk where they agreed to try to consummate their marriage, that was. That talk, and Harry admitting to possibly wanting to have sex at a later date too, really didn’t make much sense to Voldemort.

“If we don’t take my claws and the sudden mind bridge into consideration, and the awkwardness we had to begin with.” Harry smiled dryly. “Then what we had was, from my point of view, a very good fuck indeed. Sure, those three elements are quite big, but the mind bridge won’t surprise us like that again, I will work on managing the claw problem, and I’m not going to think sex is a good idea before we reach a point where such awkwardness is gone anyway. I’m not there yet, and I don’t know when I will get there either, but I’m quite certain that I will get there at some point.” He gave a shrug with one shoulder. “At least with how things are going now.”

Truth. Harry was a little wary of being this open, but not enough to hold back.

Voldemort hesitated, uncertain. What did one say to something like this? His first instinct, when Harry had mentioned the earlier incident, had been to lash out, but that wasn’t right. Not when Harry simply had wanted to assure him of the fact that he didn’t judge, and in truth didn’t really care much about what had occurred. Not when he had brought it up to stop any misunderstandings or resentment from making difficulties for them both in the future.

“I appreciate the point and the sentiment,” Voldemort slowly said in the end. “I do not know what I want for the future, for my part. I still have not given it much thought. Maybe I will now.”

Harry nodded, then he got up and stretched.

“Now that the Kneazle is out of the bag, so to speak, I’m going to find Nagini and change into a snake in front of her and see what she thinks of it. Would you care to join me?” Harry grinned and Voldemort got to his feet quite fast, sudden excitement thrumming through him at the thought of seeing more of Harry’s remarkable ability.

“That will make her adore you even more than she already does, I am certain.”

Harry smiled. “If you say so.”

 

Notes:

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