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Not Fair

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Darcy desperately needed a girls night. Her last few relationships had been absolutely dreadful. It wasn’t’ that the men weren’t attractive or smart but they did absolutely nothing, nada, zilch for her in the bedroom. She had become so used to them coming and then completely forgetting about her gratification. Last night had been her breaking point all because of dear old Mason.

They had met because of Darcy and Jane’s intense caffeine addiction; Mason worked as a barista at a coffee shop directly across from the tower that she went to everyday. It had started out well enough but then they had sex. It was like he had never been told what to do or how to make sure you took care of your partner, something Darcy took extremely seriously. Case in point he would always thrust five times; flick the clit twice, thrust three more then he came. Every. Single. Time. No, oh Darcy, I’m sorry do you want me to help you finish or is there anything I can do different? He acted like he was completely unaware of the problem, and Darcy made it a point not to fake it in bed, so obviously something had to be wrong with him. So after a repeat of the same fucking performance Darcy told him she didn’t want to have sex with him anymore and left.

What she needed to get drunk, sing karaoke and forget about the fact that no man was able to give her what she wanted. So she tracked down her partners in crime and decided to ignore her troubles for the moment.

So when six o’clock rolled around she left the Tower to meet up with Jane, Maria, Natasha, and Pepper at a rundown karaoke bar a few blocks from the Tower. The other women had never been to this bar but Darcy had found it on one of her midnight walks and although the outside looked like shit it was a little piece of heaven inside. The Bar had a tiny dance floor, huge bar and a karaoke stage that was straight from a drag queens wet dream; aka everything Darcy could ask for.

She grabbed the girls and had them sit in her favorite spot, a little corner off to the side, and immediately ordered shots. She was barely paying attention to what the others were saying too focused on obliviating her horrendous dating history.

After a little more liquid courage Darcy made her way to the stage and decided to shush the old man who was singing, ‘Thong Song,” off the stage, as one would a disobedient child. Probably not her best idea considering the old man had quite a bit of weight on him but Darcy had the weight of all her emotional baggage behind her and she’d be damned if this guy stood in her way. Jane tried to pull her back but Darcy was unwavering and would not budge and Jane being all of ninety pounds soaking wet couldn’t force her. So after failing to remove Darcy from the stage Jane gave an apologetic smile to the man and decided to sit down.

After belting out several songs Darcy finally decided to end her kick-ass karaoke streak, not because the bartender was giving her the evil eye, but of her own free will thank you very much.

“Ladies and gentlemen I know you have adored my talent immeasurably but it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that this one will be my last for the night.” Applause could be heard through the crowd upon realizing the she-devil would no longer assault their ears with her ranting and raving. “I will leave you with the sweet sounds of Lily Allen’s ‘Not Fair’ ringing in your ears. I hope it resonates with all you men who have no fucking clue what you are doing in the bedroom!” She ended her rant with her finger pointed at a middle-aged man sitting right in front of her.

After she finished she stumbled her way back to their table hoping to have a few more shots.

“You’d think they had never heard proper singing before! They obviously did not understand the greatness of my performance.” Darcy said, affronted that the crowd was more than pleased to see her off the stage.

“Hate to break it to you Darce but your caterwauling sounded a lot like Scuttle’s singing.” Natasha pointed out.

“OMG NAT you’ve seen ‘The Little Mermaid’!?!” Darcy responded seemingly not getting in her drunken state that Natasha had insulted her amazing voice.

“I’m an assassin not a mole woman, Darcy of course I’ve seen it.”

“Darcy is there a reason why you dragged us to this place?” Asked Jane somewhat concerned about her friends’ odd behavior and trying to get Darcy back at the topic on hand because if not she would go on all night about mole women or all the movies Natasha had yet to see because she was an assassin.

“I need to forget the men in my life who have been fucking terrible in bed. Mason was the last straw. Not all of us have amazing superhero boyfriends who can make us cum so hard we see stars and hear the rumble of thunder and lightning in the distance.” She glared pointedly at Jane who looked rather smug about Thor’s powers in the bedroom. “I want to cum a gazillion times before he even enters me and be hazy with desire. I mean is that so hard to ask for?”

“Well I’ve always found that teaching an old dog new tricks is rather hard but why not try teaching a new dog some tricks that heat you up.” Maria responded with a sly twinkle in her eyes.

Natasha started to chuckle softy obviously getting to what Maria was saying before any of the other girls. After a few moments she decided to fill them in. “I hear Captain America is still a virgin. And we all know how eager he is to please others.” She said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively at Darcy.

Jane who had choked on her drink managed to spit out “yeah Darce, why don’t you spangle his banner?” before falling off her barstool in a fit of laughter. All the women started to laugh uncontrollably at the thought of Captain America getting down and dirty especially with Darcy.

He seemed to disappear from the room anytime she entered ever since their awkward first encounter. Tony had been showing her and Jane around the Tower when they had run into Steve leaving the gym. Darcy had literally run into him and started to basically pet his abs; in her defense those puppies where practically begging for it, being all sweaty and practically saying ‘look at us we’re all muscly please touch us’, who was she to resist? Plus she hadn’t had sex in months!

Tony had basically peed himself from laughing so hard while Steve had turned a shade of red Darcy had never seen before and Jane had to pry Darcy’s wandering hands away from Steve’s’ body. Anyway since then for some strange reason he seemed to be avoiding her. She had begun to think of it as one of his latent superpowers only recently discovered but it’s most likely him just using Jarvis to help him out.

Pepper, of course, was the first to recover and looked over at Darcy with a gleam in her eye. “Darcy, I actually think he might have a thing for you. Tony had Jarvis keep the video footage of you assaulting him and it turns out he had quite a hard on going on under those sweats. I think that’s why he ran that day and why he is embarrassed to talk to you now.”

“Pep, I basically molested Captain Fucking America and he’s embarrassed about popping some wood! I’m the one who should be embarrassed and I should probably apologize but I regret nothing it was totally worth it. Fucking Abs of Fucking Steel. “ Darcy stared off dreamily remembering stroking his abs. How they felt of velvet wrapped over steel, and would contract at the slightest touch of her finger. She wondered what the he would have done if she would have licked the sweat off chest.

“Like I said you should do the Captain. You obviously want to and I happen to know that he does have some wet dream about you but is just to shy to do anything about it.” Natasha smiled smugly at the shocked stares of all the women at her admission. “Clint is a major gossip and when he can’t sleep he stalks the vent shafts. He overheard the Captain more than once and told me.”

Darcy could not believe what she was hearing. Steve Rogers aka Captain America aka the Golden Boy aka Mr. Prim and Proper had been having wet dreams and he had been having them about her. Then why the hell was he so determined to stay away from her? While Darcy had been in her own world the girls were making apparently making plans.

Maria was the first person Darcy heard when she snapped out of her haze. “We need to get Barnes on your side. He could be a huge help in making Steve come out of his shell and helping us figure out his likes and dislikes.”

“Woah, woah, woah! Slow down crazy people!” Darcy looked around at her companions with a laugh. “You guys cannot be serious about trying to get Mr. America and me together I mean come on!” She had not expected them to take this so seriously. It looked like Maria and Natasha were ready to start drawing out mission plans any minute. “It’s super sweet of you guys to think that this would actually work but things like that just don’t happen to people like me. And anyways I highly doubt Bucky would even be willing to help; I haven’t even spoken to the guy. So let’s just forget we ever had this conversation and get ridiculously drunk like we came here to do!” She finished her speech by raising her shot glass and throwing one back.

Jane grabbed Darcy’s face between her hands and Darcy could already tell Jane was well on her way to being drunk. “Darce, I think you’re being utterly ridiculous if you don’t see the way people view you. We all adore you and would do anything for you and if that means getting some you some fucking awesome cock we will get you some fucking awesome cock! If we can’t get Captain Tight-ass we will get someone else! I swear on mew mew!” Jane looked so adamant and serious Darcy could have kissed her right then if Jane hadn’t decided her stomach couldn’t handle her alcohol anymore. Thank god she had the foresight to shift Jane to the right so she threw up on the floor and not on her.

“You know she’s right Darcy, even if she is drunk out of her mind, we would do anything for you. You do deserve the best and we are going to make sure you get a damn good lay.” Natasha stared Darcy down with her don’t fuck with me eyes to show Darcy how serious she was. Darcy looked around to see Maria and Pepper nodding to Natasha’s statement. “Besides, Bucky has somewhat of a interest in you. So I think he would be more than willing to help because he enjoys being around you even if you two have never talked. I mean why have one when you can have two?” Natasha finished with a rare smile and raised eyebrow.

Darcy laughed and wiped a tear from her eye and thanked god that she had found such great friends. “Okay, okay I get it you guys think I’m great, but enough of this mushy stuff. We can plot the devirginizing of the cap and the seducing of his stone cold sidekick tomorrow when we are sober.“

The rest of the night passed in a haze of alcohol, bad karaoke, and passing out in the Avengers living room.

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Chapter 2

The next morning Darcy was awoken at an ungodly hour by Tony screeching in her ear, “Wakey, wakey, eggs ‘n’ bakey!” Darcy slowly pried her eyes open and gave Tony the middle finger for rudely waking her up. Looking around she noticed she was the only one left in the living room; Thor must have come and picked Jane up, Natasha was Russian so she, of course, could handle her liquor, Pepper must have woken up and left in the middle of the night and Maria left the bar last night with a very attractive man, so that left Darcy curled up in a cocoon on the couch by herself.

“You know I received the most delightful video last night of you singing a lovely song, I believe you said it was called ‘Not Fair.’” Tony had a smug ass look on his face and Darcy knew she was definitely going to end up hating whatever came out of his mouth next. “You did such a wonderful job, such passion and je ne sais quoi that I just had to share it with the rest of the team. I really thought the Captain would enjoy the video since you two have such a great relationship and all.” He looks at Darcy with a huge ass grin, pleased as punch waiting to see Darcy’s reaction.

Darcy felt herself go completely pale, well paler than she normally was, and immediately she wanted to throw up all over Tony and his expensive living room. Praying that he was just joking with her Darcy turned her horrified expression on Tony. “Please tell me you are joking right now. Because if not I am seriously considering throwing up all over you and I consumed massive amounts of alcohol so there would be no shortage of fluids to go all over your body so please, please, please tell me you are just being your normal douchebag self and lying.” Before Tony could move she had him pinned under her so he could not escape. People might think she was lazy but she could move fast if she was pressed hard enough, hung-over or not.

Tony who had turned an interesting shade of green when she had threatened him was back to his conceited, arrogant self. “As much as I love having you on top of me Miss Stacked, I am going to have to ask you to get off. Your breath is absolutely unbearable and I’m afraid I’m in a committed relationship, having wonderful, mind-blowing sex, something else I hear you are not having.” Darcy shot Tony another furious look about him finding out about her lack of decent sex. “Pepper is a talkative drunk. Don’t blame her, she can’t hold her liquor worth a damn.” While Tony was talking he had moved his hands up her arms and lifted her off of him and set her back on the sofa. “And yes I did show everyone. They all loved the show especially Captain pain in the ass.” With that he ran from the room before Darcy could respond or retaliate.

Darcy slowly slid off the couch and crawled on all fours towards the elevator to hide in her apartment until the end of all time or until she ate all her pop tarts and she had a fuck ton of pop tarts.

Unfortunately in her hurry to get the hell out of dodge she was not looking where she was going and ended up crashing into two very large, muscular legs that happened to belong to the main character in her spank bank; Captain Fucking America. From the looks of it he had just come in from another run, body glistening with sweat.

“Please say this is just a horrible dream and you are not here right now and I don’t look like a fucking simpleton crawling on the floor.” Darcy softly whispered, hoping someone would just strike her down right then and there and put her out of her misery.

She heard him give a small chuckle, refusing to look up at him and have him see the horror that would most definitely be her face after a night of drinking and sleeping in makeup, kept her head ducked down.

“Miss Lewis, are you okay, can you walk?” He reached down and slowly helped her to her feet.

Darcy started laughing a bit hysterically at the situation she found herself in. “Everything is just peachy, Cap thanks for asking. I always love finding myself looking like an idiot in front of people I find sexually attractive.” She muttered quietly to herself, unfortunately with his super hearing he of course heard her. He began to turn a shade of red that was highly complementive towards his skin tone.

She found herself lifting her hand slowly towards his face and began to slowly caress it. Her mind was yelling at her to stop but god help her he was a damn fine specimen of a man and her hand was refusing to listen to her; for some reason he was letting her do it though! He wasn’t fighting her or pulling away in fact it seemed like he was leaning in a little bit. She felt her other hand come up and begin to caress his chest through his shirt, and found herself making soft mewing noises. He responded with a slight groan and she felt her eyes drag up to meet his. His eyes were completely blown out with desire and she could feel him taking deep breaths as if to breathe her in.

Suddenly she heard a coughing sound from behind her and realized that she was indeed molesting (again) an American icon who was no longer responding like she thought but instead had gone as stiff as a fucking board and was looking slightly constipated; just what you want the guy you have the joneses for to look like.

Quickly snatching her traitorous hands away from his body and turned to see who had snapped her out of her daze; Doctor Banner looked on at the two with an awkward smile. "I was just getting some tea, my room is all out." He said trying to explain why he was there.

Darcy jumped at the chance to have someone rescue her from the reoccurring mess she found herself in. "Fluffy! I was just ah...trying to...ya know and then that happened so yeah." She found herself rambling incoherently. "What's that Jarvis, there's a pop tart emergency in the labs? I'll be right there." With that she quickly fled the room face burning red with mortification.

Bruce and Steve were left looking at each other in utter confusion.

"Did she just act like Jarvis called her to escape us?" Steve asked with a completely bewildered expression on his face.

Bruce who had spent more time with Darcy than Steve was used to her unusual antics and yet he still found it odd what she had done. "That she did. Was she kneading your chest like a cat when I walked in?"

The Captain turned a rosy hue at the mention of what the young intern had done. "Yes, she was." He responded clearing his throat gruffly, slight smile on his face. Bruce chuckled softy at the super-soldier and patted his shoulder comfortingly.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3


Having escaped the nightmare that was her second molesting of Captain America, Darcy decided to spend the rest of the day hibernating in her room and forgetting that the rest of the world existed. However, a few hours later Darcy was awoken yet again but this time by Jarvis, "Miss Lewis, Ms. Potts is at the door." The ever-polite AI said in a quiet voice, clearly understanding what Darcy was dealing with having been created by the once always drunken/hung-over Tony Stark.

Darcy stumbled out of her bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes and grimaced at the black smears left on her fingers from the caked on mascara.

She opened the door to reveal a perfectly put together Pepper with not a hair out of place; looking nothing like the Pepper from last night who had gotten up on the bar and made the entire bar sing 'Friends in Low Places' last night.


Without giving Darcy time to say a word Pepper gently pushed passed her into the apartment and headed for the coffee pot. While Darcy stared at her dumbfounded Pepper began to prepare coffee for herself and Darcy and began to speak. "We clearly need to get Jarvis involved in our plan if we want this to work. We need Steve to not know where you are all the time so you two can have a chance to get together. Natasha said she would be down in a few minutes with a idea she believed would work."

As if on cue another knock sounded on Darcy's door. The fiery redhead stood behind it with a determined look on her face that made Darcy uneasy about what she had planned.

Having pushed passed the frozen stiff Darcy, Natasha greeted Pepper and grabbed a mug of coffee and took a leisurely sip before pinning Darcy with her stare.

"Operation Get Darcy Awesome Super Soldier Cock begins now."

Pepper who had just taken a small sip of coffee spewed it out all over the bar upon hearing the name and was trying to stop her giggling. Darcy however was not so amused.

"We can't fucking call it that! It's way too long and isn't catchy and besides maybe I don't want any super soldier cock anymore maybe I want to become I spinster or something! Or maybe I just want to have regular sex with a regular guy and not some saint who can’t stand to be around me."

As if Darcy had not spoken Natasha went on. "Cap is almost always in the gym so therefore the gym has just become your new best friend and on the plus side I've been meaning to train you for a while so two birds with one stone and all that shit. We can get him to help out with your training and with you looking hot as fuck with some awesome gym clothes and push up sports bra he will be no match for you. But if he does slip out there is always Barnes there who I’m sure would be more than willing to help."

Darcy slowly shook her head at Natasha as if she had lost her mind. "Nat, I don't do gyms. We have a very bad relationship; last time I was in one was because it was required for P.E. in high school. I broke my foot playing badminton! Fucking badminton! Me and activities do not go together. I'm going to look like a jackass if I go now!"

"You broke your foot playing badminton? Okay well then we will start out slow with yoga, which a freaking toddler can do, then we will work our way up to Krav Maga. It's perfect, plus it will make you more flexible which means more pleasurable times will be had by all in the bedroom." To that Darcy couldn't think of anything to say so she just decided to let Natasha win for the moment.

"I think you should start up movie nights and invite everyone. I know normally it’s a girls night thing, which I love, but I think this would be another great way to get closer to Steve and James. You could say it's for cultural experience and team bonding and I'm sure the Captain won't say no to team bonding and I'll make sure Tony comes." Pepper chimed in trying to appease Darcy, knowing that she loved all things pop culture.

“Pep, why must you join in on this madness? Don’t you guys know this is a futile effort? There is no way this is going to work, for one I just felt up the poor guy again and he looked like he was going to have a heart attack and two I haven’t said a damn thing to James. He just watches me all the time and not gonna lie at first I thought it was kinda hot but since he hasn’t said anything its just fucking weird!”

“I told Barnes to stop doing that, but no does anyone actually listen to Natasha, no of course not because that would be the fucking smart thing to do! You’d think having people watch his every move would make him more understanding of how others feel.” Natasha ranted to herself, pissed off that her teammate had decided to not listen to her advice. “You just need to go up to that dick and say stop staring at my tits, because yes that is what he is staring at, and tell him to say something to you if he wants to have anything remotely sexual happen between you two.” Natasha finished, looking at Darcy with fire in her eyes.

Darcy started laughing, “Tash, I don’t know if you’ve realized this or not but he is a fucking super solider and I unlike you do not have thighs that can literally kill a man if he looks at m the wrong way so I kinda doubt it would go well if I did that.”

“Didn’t he used to be a ladies man back in the day? I think he might like you being bold.” Pepper said.

“Yeah, the problem with that is HE DOESN”T REMEMBER HIS PAST.” Darcy responded and before Natasha could strike back with another comment Darcy continued. “Look, I’m not like you Tash, I’m not super confident like that” when Nat gave her a look Darcy shrugged, “but I promise the next time I see him I will say something to him but not that.”

“Fine be that way. We start your training in two hours so take a shower, you smell like ass.” Natasha said, finishing her coffee and walking towards the door.

“Thanks so much Nat you always know how to make a girl feel super special!” Darcy responded sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

“I’m an assassin not a liar bitch.” Natasha bantered back playfully. “Oh and I will bring up some clothes for you to wear everything you have is just a no.” With that the fiery redhead walked through the door.

Pepper walked up to Darcy and gave the younger girl a comforting hug. “Darce, I know if you put your mind to it you will definitely get some super soldier loving. Just look at me I had to wait years for Tony to get his head out of his ass to notice what was right in front of him; I wish I had been bolder and spoken up sooner, things would have been so much easier.” She had a wistful look in her eyes. “Now if you will excuse me you have a shower to get to and I have a business to run.”

After Pepper left Darcy finished her coffee and dragged herself to her bathroom to take a shower. Upon looking in the mirror she realized why Natasha was so adamant about her getting a shower even before working out; she looked like absolute shit. Her hair was completely tangled, make up was smeared all over her face and for some reason she was wearing a shirt that was like two sizes too small and looked like Jane’s.

Vaguely she remembered walking home last night from the bar and yelling something about free the tits and taking her shirt off. Jane must have given her one of her own except Jane’s chest was three times smaller than Darcy’s so her boobs about burst the seams.

“No more karaoke for you Missy.” She told herself in the mirror but then backtracked. “Well maybe I can limit myself to two drinks and still rock the microphone. I would hate for more people to miss out on my greatness.”

After getting out of the shower she decided it would probably be best to just French braid her hair instead of having to deal with it and she had to admit she rocked a braid like a badass.

Deciding that her stomach could handle some food she walked into her small kitchen and dug around for her favorite pop tarts. She was munching on one when suddenly Jane crashed through the door looking much better than she had last night, but hey who was Darcy to complain?

“Oh my god Darce did you get the super soldier semen?”

“Yes Jane, I did get the super soldier semen,” Darcy responded sarcastically. “Immediately after the Captain saw the video of me singing about my pathetic love life he decided ‘damn I really need to sleep with that girl and give her some of my cock.’ As soon as Thor took you back to your room he came to get me from the living room and we banged all night long. I think he is absolutely going to propose.”

“REALLY! That’s great I knew it would work out for you but are you sure about marriage I mean you just slept with him last night and you’ve never gone on a date with him. What if he’s super boring or hates pop tarts?”

“Jane, I’m being sarcastic, of course I didn’t sleep with him. He still seems to think I’m a fucking leper and I’m sure that video Tony showed him last night helped that.”

“Well damn I was hoping Operation Cherry Bomb was well underway.”

“What? Operation Cherry Bomb, seriously? And we are working on it, Natasha thinks me going to the gym in sexy clothes and learning yoga and whatnot will help and Pepper wants me to start up movie nights for the entire team.”

“What else were you going to call it, besides you are kinda taking his cherry? I’m not sure about you in a gym though but if Nat thinks it will work I would trust her and movie night would be so much fun. We should watch ‘The Mummy’! I love that movie.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah we will just have to wait and see right now I’m just trying to see if I can survive a workout with Natasha.”

“If you don’t make it can I have your scarves?”

“I’m so glad you know what to think about in my time of need.”

“You have like fifty!”

“Yes Jane if I die you can have my scarves. I hope they strangle you when you wear them. Now if you don’t mind I have a date with a red headed devil and I would hate to be late.”

Chapter Text

For the next two weeks Darcy dragged her ass to the gym and spent an hour doing yoga with Natasha and then thirty minutes *trying* to learn some Krav Maga. The clothes Nat had made Darcy wear were much more form fitting than she was used to and at first she was reluctant to wear them but the look on both the super soldiers faces made her rethink it.

After reluctantly changing into the clothes Natasha had gotten for her, Darcy had walked out from the locker room into the open gym. Clint was the first to see her and had wolf whistled and slow clapped upon seeing her causing everyone in the gym to turn and see what was happening.

Darcy tried to pass it off like she wasn’t embarrassed by doing a little curtsey but she still felt her face go beat red as she moved closer to Natasha. When she had passed the super soldiers who were sparring Steve missed the punch Bucky threw at him and ended up with a bruised jaw. Bucky had yet, to see Darcy.

"Where's you head punk?" Bucky asked Steve looking at him disbelievingly, they had been sparring for over an hour and neither had gotten a hit in until now.

Steve however was still staring after Darcy and soon Bucky saw what made him stop; Darcy in skintight yoga pants and red tank top doing downward dog.

"Jesus, look at that dame." Bucky murmured to Steve who could just nod as they watched the women stretch.

Since that first day in the gym Darcy had learned to embrace her curves more and with Natasha's help had bought some new clothes to highlight her girls. She had even learned to enjoy some parts of yoga.

The only problem with this was, because of the eavesdropping bastard he was, Stark had found out about her plan. Every time she came in a room where either Bucky or Steve and Tony happened to be there he would make Jarvis play Katy Perry's 'Peacock' and do hip thrusts behind the super soldiers making lewd faces at Darcy.

Which of course made things completely awkward and had Darcy spending more time in the labs and her room to avoid anymore awkward pelvic thrusts.

So as Darcy was in the communal kitchen making herself a sandwich she was extremely wary of what Tony had up his sleeve when he approached her.

"Boobs, if you want to see their peacocks you're going to have to be more aggressive. Now I love the whole making your boobs stand out, because they are quite the sight, but for the old men you need to step up your game."

"Eat a dick, Tony."

"You know I don't think that's on the menu for tonight but I know how much you would like to eat some so I'll see what I can do."

"Do you have to be such an ass about everything?"

"Why yes, yes I do. It's what makes me so lovable; that and the free rent, facilities and technology I produce. Look, I sympathize with your plight and I want to help.”

“Why would I ever want help from you? All you do is find new ways to humiliate me!”

“Well let’s just say that if the Cap gets laid I have a feeling he will be less of a Debbie Downer and Barnes…well he’s just a horn dog who can’t remember how to get a girl, which is just depressing. My dad would take about all the women he would get and to see him reduced to this…it hurts me.” Tony patted his heart and gave Darcy a mocking sympathetic smile.

“If I asked you for assistance, and that’s a big fucking if, what would you suggest?” Darcy asked, scared to know but desperate to get laid.

“Well I will require your eternal servitude and you would need to name your first born after me.” Darcy gave him a ‘that’s not going to fucking happen look.’ “Fine we’ll work on that part. You need to make them jealous. It’s the quickest way to move things along and lucky for you I have the perfect man for the job.” Tony smiled like the cat that ate the fucking canary.

“Oh my God, EW! That’s disgusting, you’re like as old as my dad! Plus Pepper is one of my best friends, you jackass!” Darcy yelled at Stark, angered that he would ever think that she would want to flirt with him or that she would even consider him to be a suitable partner.

“What…no! Not me. And your dad wishes he looks as good as I do! I was talking about Johnny Storm.”

“Johnny Storm…walking chlamydia Johnny Storm? Johnny Storm that thinks he is God’s gift to women? Johnny Storm who has never met a mirror he didn’t love? Johnny Storm who is a bigger manwhore than you, that Johnny Storm?” Darcy responded incredulously.

“For fucks sakes of course that one, are there any other Johnny Storms’ out there that you know of? Anyways I’m pretty sure his clap is on the down-low right now so you don’t have to worry about it.”

Darcy stared at Stark, mutely shaking her head.

“Well I guess you’re not going to be too happy with me because I invited him to movie night tonight and he just got here. And I kinda told him the plan and he was all for it cause he really wants to see your boobs so if you could maybe flash him or something if this works out that’d be great.” Tony finished in a jumbled rush, running most of the words together, before patting Darcy on the head and rushing towards the living room to avoid her wrath and be protected by Pepper.

“Hey Jarvis, could you do me a favor and just kill me with a laser beam or something. I’d really appreciate that.” Darcy looked up at the celling pleading at Jarvis with her eyes.

“I’m terribly sorry Miss Lewis but I’m afraid I cannot do that, the world cannot lose someone such as yourself.” Jarvis replied back in his cultured British voice.

“You’re a real pal J.” Darcy muttered, threw her sandwich is the trash and as if marching to face a fate worse than death made her way into the living room.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Walking into the living room Darcy felt like she was going to vomit all over the first person that tried to speak to her, here's hoping it was Tony.

Luckily for Tony, Jane rushed up to meet Darcy and pushed her into the hallway. "What the fuck is walking STD doing here?" She whispered to Darcy looking over her shoulder at the unexpected guest.

"Imbecile Tony thought it would be a good idea and Jarvis refused to vaporize me so here I am. Where are Natasha and Maria?"

Jane began to fidget nervously with her hair, "Umm, well the thing is they aren't here. Fury called them both in last night for a mission in god knows where so yeah, but Pepper’s here." Jane rushed through her explanation, wishing it wasn't her being the one to tell Darce.

"What the fuck Fury!" Darcy muttered furiously to herself. "Motherfucker took them away on purpose, just because I stole his cell and converted it to an Elvish language and made it play 'Barbie girl' every five minutes doesn't mean he can take my girls on a night like this." Darcy was seething, thinking of ways to get him back the next time she saw him.

“Maybe it won’t be that bad.” Jane said trying to sound convincing but seeing Darcy’s reaction she obviously failed.
Together they walked into the living room and immediately felt the tension.
Tony, who always blabbed non-stop when he was nervous, was in full form tonight chattering away on the couch yet no one paid him any attention. He tried to get Pepper’s attention but she was studiously ignoring him, seeming fascinated with the celling.

Bruce was trying to have a conversation with Johnny but seemed to be finding it hard to maintain a polite conversation with two super soldiers glaring at him from across the room. Johnny seemed completely confused as to why the super soldiers were glaring at him when they were normally on good terms with each other. He kept trying to get them into the conversation to no avail.

Thor just seemed pretty oblivious to what was going on and was trying to find a movie to watch. He was roughly going through Darcy’s prized collections of DVDs when he looked up and saw the women in the doorway. “Might we watch ‘Tangled’ again Lady Darcy? I find the horse quite funny.”

Darcy had made Thor watch ‘Tangled’ a week ago because Rapunzel’s hair reminded her of Thor. She had not expected him to like it much less demand to watch it Every. Single. Day.

“Sorry thunder thighs but we are going to watch ‘Young Frankenstein’ tonight in honor of Tony. Hopefully it will teach him not to meddle in other people’s lives.” Darcy replied glaring daggers at Tony who was pointedly looking away.

Jane went to go console a grumpy looking Thor by softly whispering “it’s okay baby, we can watch it twice tomorrow”, leaving Darcy standing awkwardly by herself. There was a seat next to the super soldiers or she could sit by Johnny. She was loathe to admit it but maybe Tony was right about making them jealous so she composed herself and sidled up to Johnny offering him a warm smile. Johnny seemed confused for a minute since during their first encounter he had used one of his best pick up lines to hit on Darcy and she had acted like she didn’t speak English. He quickly pushed that from his mind and smiled encouragingly back at her.

Sitting with Johnny actually wasn’t that bad at all. He smelled pretty amazing and when Darcy started to get cold during the movie he put his arm around her and warmed her up. When he put his arm around her she could have sworn she heard a low growl coming from one of the wonder boys but when she looked over they both were intently watching the TV.

When the movie was over Johnny took Darcy’s hand and led her off to a quiet corner. “Would you like to get something to eat tomorrow night?”

Looking over Johnny’s shoulder she was able to see Steve trying to calm Bucky down and while she hated using someone she was sure Johnny wouldn’t mind too much, besides its not like he wanted a whirlwind romance he just wanted in her pants.

“That would be wonderful. I know this great place on 4th that has amazing burgers.” Darcy answered, softly stroking his arm and smiling coyly up at him.

“Great, I can pick you up at 7, if that’s okay? I just bought a old Harley and completely restored it, I think you’d like it.” Johnny responded obviously wanting to show off his motorcycle and his prowess in taking control.

Darcy tried not to roll her eyes at his attempts at flirting. “Actually I’d like to pick you up,” Darcy focused her stare on Stark, “Tony gave me exclusive access to all his cars so I want to play with them while I can. I’ve actually never driven in New York City so it should be an experience. I think I’ll take the vanquish that’s his newest and favorite one.”

Tony was visible choking on his drink while Pepper shook her head with laughter.

Johnny looked confused for a second wondering why she would want to drive but then he caught Tony’s face and caught on; winking at Darcy he responded. “You know I know this great place where you can race cars. It’s just outside of the city we should try that tomorrow after we eat.” He lifted her hand and left a lingering kiss on it. “Until tomorrow sweet Darcy.”

Darcy could feel her cheeks reddening at the attention from Johnny; even though she didn’t view him that way and had no intention of sleeping with him, it was still nice to be treated like something special.

Tony, the dick, was visibly wiggling his eyebrows and thrusting his hips with a lecherous grin on his face before Pepper smacked him in the crotch.

Steve and Bucky however were a completely different story. If their eyes had laser beams they would have melted Johnny by now with the way they were glaring. Then unfortunately they turned that glare on Darcy.

“Darcy, why would you say yes to that creep? You know he isn’t after anything serious.” Steve reprimanded Darcy looking somewhat betrayed by her. Bucky was apparently trying to not say anything and so was grinding his jaw to smithereens.


This however was the wrong thing to say to Darcy who was in no mood for them being all high and mighty about her dating yet they wouldn’t step up to the plate. Crossing her arms and jutting her jaw forward she snarled back at them. “Really? You really want to know? I like being treated like I’m something special and since certain people aren’t getting the memo I am not going to wait around forever. And so what if he just wants sex, maybe that’s just what I want!”

With that she spun around and moved past a grinning Jane, a slow clapping Tony, and made her way to her bedroom.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6 (Your Body is a Weapon)

Darcy kept to herself the next day never leaving her apartment or letting people in the door. Part of her felt cruel for basically shouting at a basically a nation icon but a bigger part of her was pleased that she was finally standing up for herself. She was so used to letting people walk all over her or ignore her and she was not going to let that happen anymore.

Stepping out of the shower Darcy almost slipped and cracked her head on the wet floor in panic upon seeing a shadow standing in the doorway.

“Holy shit Natasha! I know you like to scare people but I really just about shit myself and died at the same time thinking you were an intruder! You know I don’t like it when you act like a cat.”

“First off, I’ve been training you so if you ‘shit yourself’ I would have been required to remove your intestines myself.” Natasha countered looking deadly serious before grinning like a maniac. “Fucking Johnny Storm…kind of wish I had thought of this strategy myself…if you ever tell that to Stark you won’t be able to walk for a week and not in the pleasurable I just had fantastic sex kind of way.”

With that she left Darcy in the bathroom and wandered into her bedroom. “I have an outfit for you to wear tonight.”

“But I already picked out a outfit.” Darcy whined softly under her breath aware that what she said would have no impact on the assassin. “You know I even know how to tie my own shoes now, mom,” Darcy snarked loudly as she entered her bedroom to become a human Barbie.

Two hours later even Darcy had to acknowledge she looked like a badass bitch. Looking over herself in the mirror she gave herself a little smile only to see Natasha gazing back at her looking like the cat that ate the canary.

“I kind of hate to waste this on Storm but you need to make an impact and this will definitely make an impact;” Natasha mused.

“Okay, fine I look halfway decent,” Natasha raised her eyebrows in a terrifying manner, “but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to Captain Hotass and fuck me roughly soldier boy” Darcy grumbled.

“Just a second ago you were looking at yourself like you were hot shit so make fucking negative Nancy get the fuck out. Steve and Bucky will most likely cum in their pants when they see you get back. You look better than Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox combined; now get your ass out the door I’m tired of stroking your ego.” Natasha gave Darcy a hard smack on the ass, before pushing her out. “Oh, and I had Jarvis lock the boys in the gym so they couldn’t stop you on the way there. You’re welcome.”

Natasha proceeded to slam Darcy’s apartment door shut, evidently done with dealing with Darcy for the day.

“You just think of fucking everything Natasha don’t you.” Darcy muttered under her breath impressed with how thorough the assassin was.

She made it to the garage with no trouble but unfortunately waiting by the her car for the night was none other than Tony Stark.

“Damn Betty Boop, look at you!”

“Stark, I have no intention of letting you touch my boobs so please stop asking.”

“I said nothing about touching your funbags!” Stark countered trying to look indignant and failing miserably.

“I could see it in your beady little eyes you perv.”

“My eyes are magnificent and you know it.” He responded looking entertained at their banter. “Look, as much as I adore verbally sparring with you, I simply can’t let you take my baby out. It’s my precious.” Crossing his arms, Tony stood with his back to the driver’s side of the car, looking determined to not let her take it.

Darcy sauntered up to him and before he could even think to guard himself, kneed him in the balls. He went down cupping his junk, and squawking in pain. “Jesus fucking Christ!”

“A deals a deal, Tin Man.” Darcy watched him wither on the floor for a few quick seconds before stepping over him into the car. “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle with her.”

“You’re the devil. I hope you get syphilis.”

"You always know what to say to make a girl feel special."

Seconds later Darcy was speeding out of the garage towards Storm's apartment

Chapter Text

Arriving at Storm’s apartment just in time to see him step out of the building, Darcy had to admit he was a damn fine specimen of a man; unfortunately for her, her heart was in another place. Pasting a smile on her face Darcy unlocked the door for Storm.

“You sure you want to drive this thing? I’d be more than happy to be your personal chauffer.” Johnny impishly grinned at her before climbing into the passenger seat where he leaned over to give her a soft kiss on the cheek and to whisper, “You look absolutely gorgeous Darcy.”

It had been a while since a guy had looked at Darcy the way Johnny was looking at her right now and damn it if part of her wasn’t tempted to say ‘fuck it’ to the whole mission and just have hot, sweaty sex with Storm; but then she thought of Tony wishing for her to get syphilis and she was never going to give him the satisfaction. Besides she’d bet Steve and Bucky would be more generous than Johnny by a long shot.

“So which burger place are we headed?” Johnny asked, interrupting Darcy’s train of thought.

“Actually Tasha, told me that taking someone to a burger joint on a first date wasn’t a very good idea because and I quote ‘Darcy nobody can look like a lady stuffing that much meat in her face, save it for the third date.’ So yeah…”

Thank god they hadn’t arrived at the restaurant yet because Darcy was almost positive that Johnny would have spewed whatever drink he had in his mouth all her when he heard that; luckily it looked like he might just choke from laughing too hard.

“Probably should have kept that to myself,” Darcy murmured watching Johnny try to control his breathing.

It took Johnny the full ride to the little Italian restaurant Nat had suggested before he had totally calmed down; every time he looked at her he would start cracking up.

“Okay blowtorch boy, this is the place.”

“Umm…I don’t think you can park here.” Johnny pointed out the multiple signs saying tow away zone and do not park here. “Also I’m almost positive it’s illegal to park halfway on the sidewalk.”

“Stark still owes me and tried to offend me; so I think I’ll let his car get towed and hopefully some street urchin named Dodger will scratch some penises on the side, that would be a gigantic plus.” Darcy grinned happily and hopped out of the car, leaving it parked illegally. Johnny shook his head at her antics but followed her towards the restaurant.

“Ladies first,” Johnny stated, holding the restaurant door open for her trying to look like a gentleman, he failed however when he looked down her shirt as she passed by him.

“Holding the door like a gentleman probably would have worked better if I couldn’t see you in the mirror leering at my lovely lady lumps.” Johnny looked around shocked that she had noticed him looking then spotted the mirror right in front of them behind the hostess and realized Darcy could see his face.

Darcy didn’t give him time to apologize or recover before she strode up to the hostess and asked for a table. Johnny quickly followed after her resting his hand on her lower back; which surprised him because she normally had such a no touching policy when it came to him.

Having ordered their wine and a few appetizers Darcy was surprised that she was actually having a good time. She would have thought Johnny would be trying to grope her all through dinner but he kept her space and actually paid attention to what she said.

Halfway though dinner Darcy realized she couldn't use him like she was; he was a good guy when he wasn't trying to get in her pants and while she wanted to prove a point to Steve and Bucky she didn't want to hurt Johnny, who had a killer sense of humor, he told incredibly stupid dad jokes but it was surprising endearing. So Darcy decided to come clean with him and hopefully not cause a war between the supers.

"Johnny," Darcy began rapidly gaining speed, "I'm just using your hot bod to make Steve and Bucky jealous. At first I wasn't going to tell you in account of you being but I've changed my mind, I can't just use someone like that even though part of me is like ‘but Darcy its fucking Johnny Storm, the douche bag who always talks to your boobs, the douche who likes people knowing how many people he's slept with, the dude who probably has like fifty illegitimate babies out there, the man boy who…’"

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down Darce. Take a deep breath and slow down.” Johnny told her, gently holding her hands to stop her wild gesticulating. “I kind of figured you were using me for something when you said you would go out with me. Please try not to look so amazed that I’m not a complete imbecile.” Johnny muttered looking at her shocked face. “Also I will have you know I only have five illegitimate babies and not fifty like you so rudely suggested.”

“You seriously have illegitimate babies? How does no one know that? I mean you’re like so public about things that should be private.” Darcy stared at him eyes as wide as saucers.

“Darcy, I’m being sarcastic, I don’t have any kids.” Johnny retorted looking at her like she might need to start being one of those people who wear helmets all the time. “You really think that lowly of me, wow.”

Darcy began to sputter that no she doesn’t but she couldn’t bring herself to lie, so she just meekly looked down at the table wishing a sinkhole would open up beneath her to put her out of her misery.

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I thought that since you live with people who are constantly hounded by the media you would understand that most of what gets put out there are lies. I’m not saying I haven’t had fun because I have but I am also very careful; and while the image projected out to the rest of the world presents me as a man-whore, I mostly do that to keep the press from bothering my friends and family.”

Johnny took a deep breath and put on a small friendly smile. “Now, instead of you feeling bad and apologizing lets just forget about what we thought we knew about each other and start over.” He reached out his hand to shake her hand; “I’m Johnny Storm and I’d like to help you get your men; even if one seems incredibly boring and the other not entirely sane. Personally I think you would have more fun with someone like me but if you want have a lame sex life that’s your choice.”

Darcy gave Johnny a dramatic eye roll, the likes of which would have made Stark proud, “He isn’t boring and Bucky is not crazy just temperamental! I mean have you seen their bodies? No way will the sex be lame so you can just shut your trap about it, see if I tell you any dirty details.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name before you went on about how horrible sex with two robots would be,” Johnny responded sarcastically.

Darcy quickly swung her foot out and smashed it into Johnny’s ankle, probably causing her more pain than it did him.

“What are you five?” Johnny glared at an unapologetic Darcy before bending down to rub his ankle. “Fine, no more jokes even if they are accurate.”

Darcy pursed her lips but quickly realized that she would need Storm’s help in order to get what she wanted, “I’m sorry, I promise not to kick you for the rest of dinner. I would love to accept…” before Darcy could finish her train of thought her phone rang its special ringtone reserved only for emergencies, causing her to panic slightly at what could be wrong.

“Hello?” She answered the phone, ignoring the look of concern on Storm’s face, trying to stay calm and not freak out about what could have happened.

“Thank fuck you picked up! I’ve texted you like fifty times but you never responded so I had to resort to the emergency line, which I know is only for emergencies but I think this would definitely be defined as one. I figured it would probably be best to warn you and not have them show up as a surprise and beat the shit out of your…”

“Jane slow the fuck down, what are you talking about?”

“Darcy, Tony was cackling, and you know normally I ignore him but he was so fucking loud and obnoxious and I’ve never actually heard him cackle like an evil villain or something it was super weird. He kept muttering your name and then grinning like a loon so I figured something was up so I had Jarvis tell me what was going on and apparently Tony told the supers exactly where you are. I tried to slow them down and Jarvis helped by slowly the elevator but they should be there in a few minutes.”

“Shit on a stick!” Darcy growled, “I have to go Jane. Tell Tony that he better run.”

“What’s going on? Is anyone hurt?” Johnny asked, looking concerned.

“Oh yeah, someone is going to get hurt very badly but right now I need you to look madly in love with me and hopefully not get the shit kicked out of you by two super soldiers.” Darcy told him, her eyes searching the restaurant to see if she saw one of them yet, missing Johnny’s comically large swallow.

Chapter Text

Chapter 8 (Don’t think I’m Not)

“When I said I would help you by acting like your boyfriend, I meant when we were in a room full of other supers in on the act, not by myself, unprepared!” Storm whispered harshly, to Darcy, while scanning the room for any incoming threat.

Darcy watched him tense up like a turtle and had to literally stop herself from face palming, because if there ever called for a face-palm if was right fucking now.

“Wow, Storm, your bravery is un-fucking-paralleled. I see now how hard it is to keep the hordes and hordes of women away with your complete selflessness; it really is endearing.” Darcy responded, coquettishly batting her eyelashes at him and rubbing her hand slowly up and down his arm.

Johnny took a deep breath; “I swear to God, Darcy, if I die it better not be in vain and fucking Helen of Troy better waiting for me in heaven.”

“I promise to put flowers on your grave for like at least a month. And I’ll pay for them with my own money, not Stark’s which isn’t cheap by the way, so you’re welcome. Kudos on knowing who Helen of Troy is but she’s a bit too classy for you.” Darcy tsked, back at Johnny teasingly.

Tendrils of steam began to slowly escape the confines of Johnny’s skin and rise towards the ceiling as he pushed his face in closer to Darcy's.

“I’m about to do you the world’s biggest favor and you’re complaining about buying some fucking carnations for my grave!” Johnny glared at Darcy with true rage in his eyes, “I am so fucking close to fusing together your vagina; I’m not even sure if I can do that but for you I’d make an exception and find out.”

A horrified Darcy clamped her hands over her crotch faster than she had ever moved in her life.

“Clearly joking with you during times of stress is not one of my best ideas; good to know, good to know.” Darcy nervously responded, trying to calm Storm down while still keeping her hands cupped protectively over her vajayjay.

After what seemed to be a few never ending seconds to Darcy, Johnny stopped sending tendrils of steam into the air and looked less likely to try and fuse together her vagina.

“You need to take your hands off your crotch. People are going to think that either a. you’re special, b. you need to go pee or c. the sight of me makes you want to masturbate so badly you couldn’t wait to get home. So take your mittens off your kitten.” Johnny told her, nodding towards her clenched hands. “And when you manage that we are going to have to start making out. So pop a breath mint, you ate like five pieces of garlic bread.”

Darcy glared at Johnny and wanted to retort with something snappy but when she thought about it she honestly couldn’t fault his reasoning about how damn stupid she looked also fused pussy; so she slowly unclenched her hands and propped them up on the table and tried to think of a way to make it seem like it had been her idea all along.

“I...I could eat like a thousand bulbs of garlic and still have amazing breath, thank you very much.” Darcy replied, to a smirking and triumphant looking Johnny. Wanting to wipe that look off his face Darcy hotly said, “Well are you going to lean in and get this suck-fest going or just stare at me until they show up?”

Without further ado, Johnny grabbed Darcy’s chin between his fingers and smashed his lips against hers. “Mmmmmmm crème de la garlic.” Johnny murmured mouth still smashed up against Darcy’s dropping little kisses between words causing Darcy to chuckle back against his mouth.

Kissing Johnny was an odd experience; don’t get her wrong he was good at it, like real good, and her lady parts could definitely see the appeal in letting his mouth come out to party downtown but at the same time she was beginning to put him into the same category as Clint and Thor; A.K.A looksies but no touchies. Besides she had a feeling Storm would be better off with someone else.

Suddenly Darcy heard a deafening roar and then nothing. No sound of other diners, no sound of the kitchen taking orders, nothing; as if all the patrons had been ordered to leave or were too anxious to see or hear what would happen to make a sound.

Someone loudly cleared their throat right behind Johnny and Darcy’s table.

Johnny gently squeezed Darcy’s knee under the table and agonizingly slowly lifted his head from her mouth as if he wanted to draw out his death as much as possible and faced the noise.

“Mind if we join? I heard this place has a tiramisu to kill for.”