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I am Free, That is Why I'm Lost

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I guess it's finally time to tell you...

Tommy stared at the page. He wrinkled his nose, shook his head, and scrunched the paper up into a little ball.

He was a fucking coward.

There were ants crawling under his skin, a familiar undercurrent of want that had been there for months now.

All because he was a fucking coward.

But he couldn’t do it like this. This was too huge to be explained with a letter.

He picked up his phone, his fingers habitually finding the right number. This time he took a deep breath and let it ring.


Tommy stared at the dark liquid in the cup. He wished the taste had been alcohol-laced as he took a sip. It would have made this so much easier.

Adam watched him carefully. He didn’t push, and Tommy was thankful that he didn’t try to make small talk either.

Adam had always known what Tommy needed.

It had taken a while to figure it out, the reason for that nagging emptiness. Tommy had assumed it was a void left behind by a lack of nights full of music and blinding lights. He had been wrong.

“I need you.” Tommy whispered.


Adam kept studying him, and Tommy carefully set the cup on the table, unable to keep his hands from shaking.

He felt like Adam was appraising him, and he wasn’t sure that he measured up. He wanted so badly to please Adam.

For one fleeting moment Tommy thought that maybe Adam didn’t even get it. He didn’t know how to explain it.

And then Adam reached out, grabbed a fistful of Tommy’s hair and pulled.

“Like this?” Adam asked, running a finger of his free hand along Tommy’s neck.

Tommy sighed, shuddered, let go of months’ worth of tension.