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Twilight Saga: Dumbed Down to my Level

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Beginning: Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad (Charlie) due to her Mom (Renee) and her step father (Jeff) traveling often (Jeff plays Minor League Baseball, and he Travels a lot). Bella arrives at her new school and everyone’s attracted to her, including Jacob Black and Edward Cullen (A forgotten childhood friend and the most popular guy at school, smells like a great love triangle to me.) Everything’s fine, until an “animal’ has been attacking and killing Rando’s outside Forks.


Middle: After several life threatening events, and some red flag behavior from Edward, Bella discovers that Edward was a Vampire ( :0 le shock! ), and has been acting weird because he can hear everyone’s thoughts and has been following Bella due to his “protective instincts” (His words, not mine). Bella doesn’t care though. Why? Because Edward’s hot, which apparently cancels out the stalking and literal insanity that Edward has. Things get a bit fluffy for a while. Bella and Edward start dating, Bella meets Edward’s family (Edward’s brother Emmett decides that they should cook Italian because Bella is an Italian name. No surprise that Vampires can’t eat. This is a great reason why. Solid one there, Emmett. Edward also has no bed. At all. Guess what? Vampires can’t sleep either. Really depriving these Vampires of greatness, aren't you, Steph?), and Edward meets Charlie (Like a Gentleman. The only thing that isn’t wrong with Edward.)


End: Honestly, things get good here. Edward brings Bella with him to watch him and his family play baseball, “An American pass time”. They start playing, but after a while, a few other Vampires (Laurent, James, and Victoria) come to see what’s going on. In defense, the Cullens surround Bella. Laurent asks if they need a few more players, to which Carlisle (Edwards's “Dad”) agrees, telling Edward to get Bella the heck outta there. Too bad Edward’s not listening though. Why? Because he’s too busy staring James down. So Bella hits him :D. This works, because Edward turns and starts Ushering Bella back to the car…. But it's too late. James smells Bella’s Human scent and goes buck-wild (“So you brought a snack?” were his exact words.). Edward runs away and goes to hide Bella until they can Kill Bill. Just kidding, they’re going to hide Bella until they can kill James. A little bit extreme, but you do you boo. Edward and Bella are forced to be separated because James will know that Edward won’t leave Bella, and Bella is whisked away by Jasper and Alice (Edward’s Brother and Sister that are dating. Yeah. I know. Another red flag). Everything’s going fine and dandy until James finds that Bella’s been hidden in Phoenix this whole time. So he kidnaps Renee (Yeah, remember her? She wasn’t important until now.) :D. Bella breaks the first rule of kidnapping and does what James asks; to meet him at an abandoned location by herself or her mother dies. Turns out, James was the “Animal” killing people in and around Forks, and he didn’t actually have Renee. Big shocker. Bella starts freaking out and sprays James with pepper spray. It doesn’t work though because his eyes don’t get irritated. It does make him mad though because he swings on her and bites her. Suddenly, Edward pops off and slams James into a wall, and suddenly James is burnt to death by fire. Only issue now is that Bella’s leg is broken, she’s hemorrhaging, and she’s minutes away from becoming a Vampire. Edward doesn’t want Bella to become a Vampire (Stingy much?) and sucks the poison out of Bella’s wound. Bella goes back to Forks after being treated for “Falling down some stairs, and through a window”. The end.