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hell (real)

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[leon kuwata] added [makoto naegi, byakuya togami and 13 others] to [unnamed groupchat]

[leon kuwata] set [16] nicknames

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: yall. alignment chart

[typical ball enjoyer]:

 

[jared 19]: kuwata what the fuck ofc i can read

 

[gotcha bitch]: celeste fucks and knows what sex is

 

[will take ur money]: yoko wtf

 

[material gworlll]: what is this.

[material gworlll]: and why is my username… that.

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: groupchat duh

[typical ball enjoyer]: and that’s ur username bc its funny

[typical ball enjoyer]: also disrespectfully mondo i don’t believe u can read

 

[jared 19]: bitch i litreally can,, how do u think i got into hopes fuckin peak

 

[material gworlll]: you misspelt ‘literally’

 

[jared 19]: togami i can and will fold you

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: thanks kirigiri

 

 

[ran in the halls once]: I don’t think we ought to be ‘folding’ people as you put it

[ran in the halls once]: Kuwata-kun please tell me where you got this information from.

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: ehe~

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: kuwata r u a venti kinnie

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: i am in fact why do you ask

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: go ahead and put urself in the doesn’t fuck knows what sex is box

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: this is bullying i want a second opinion

 

[jared 19]: doesn’t fuck knows what sex is

 

[will take ur money]: doesn’t fuck knows what sex is

 

[material gworlll]: doesn’t fuck knows what sex is

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: TOGAMI?!?!

[typical ball enjoyer]: did u seriously just..

[typical ball enjoyer]: ur all bein biphobic /lh

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: good /j

 

[ran in the halls once]: Kuwata-kun if you wouldn’t mind letting me know where you acquired the information in my nickname it’d be much appreciated

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: this information will remain undisclosed to the general public

[typical ball enjoyer]: sorry prez

 

[ran in the halls once]: How do I change this

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: fun fact: you cant and if u try u will suffer my wrath

[typical ball enjoyer]: my wrath is the fact that i can bribe kirigiri into digging up ur darkest secrets

[typical ball enjoyer]: dont u love it when ur bestie is the ultimate detective

 

[gotcha bitch]: kuwata fujisaki and i have SO much dirt on you guys it’s awesome

 

[jared 19]: now hold on kirigiri u don’t wanna do this

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: then don’t change ur nick. simple

[typical ball enjoyer]: also did u know i actually hate u all

[typical ball enjoyer]:

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: did yall know that when true justice is returned to the world it tastes like success

 

[tell them naegi]: maizono-san youre the ultimate pop sensation

[tell them naegi]: you taste success every day

[tell them naegi]: u just have a double serving of success-flavoured justice bc kuwata is where he belongs

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: naegi arent u supposed to be the nice one

 

[tell them naegi]: funny that

 

[woof woof bark bark]: sayaka stop destroying naegi’s purity

[woof woof bark bark]: he is supposed to be the nice one

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: sorry mukuro ur so sexy aha

 

[woof woof bark bark]: leave /j

 

[swims unironically]: ooh i love alignment charts!

[swims unironically]: never mind.

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: LMFAOO I

[typical ball enjoyer]: but asahina. do tell. does ogami fuck

 

[swims unironically]: what in the soggy mcdonalds fry

 

[jared 19]: day 29485 of trying to get asahina to say fuck

[jared 19]: mission status: failed

 

[ultimate yassifier]: SAKURA-CHAN DOES INDEED FUCK

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: itmusbenoiceee

[typical ball enjoyer]: but do they know what sex is

 

[muscle partner]: kuwata of course i know what sex is

 

[swims unironically]: enoshima how do you know that sakura fucks

 

[ultimate yassifier]: wink wonk

 

[swims unironically]: what does that mean

[swims unironically]: enoshima what does that mean

[swims unironically]: ENOSHIMA

 

[typical ball enjoyer]:

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: kuwata i’ll be honest you didn’t do a very good job with these nicknames

[dumbbell enthusiast]: i cannot decipher half of these

[dumbbell enthusiast]: the words they make sense on their own but here? in this context? gobbledygook i tell you

 

[will take ur money]: don’t tell me…

 

[tell them naegi]: FUJISAKI-SAN??!

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: hello naegi

[dumbbell enthusiast]: may i suggest introductions? we can all put in preferred pronouns and names and stuff

[dumbbell enthusiast]: makes life easier for neurodivergents like myself

 

[jared 19]: fujisaki you are simply full of incredible ideas

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: thank you owada i like to think so too

[dumbbell enthusiast]: i recommend a name pronouns sexuality fun fact template

[dumbbell enthusiast]: fun facts are cool

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: oh my god

[typical ball enjoyer]: fujisaki you are so cute /p

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: thank u. ^-^

[dumbbell enthusiast]: i’ll go first with introductions if everyone’s alright with that :)

[dumbbell enthusiast]: chihiro fujisaki, she/her, omnisexual polyamorous, fun fact the supreme court of justice has its own basketball court called the highest court in the land

 

[jared 19]: mondo owada he/him bisexual polyamorous fun fact cows have regional accents

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: they have what

[knockoff taylor swift]: is one cow from musutafu like ‘moo’ and then a cow from hyogo goes ‘moo’ does that moo sound different to the musutafu cow

 

[jared 19]: idk man i just googled fun facts. i wouldnt know that off the top of my head im not naegi n shit

 

[tell them naegi]: hEY

[tell them naegi]: newayz makoto naegi they/he enby gay

[tell them naegi]: fun fact sayaka is mean. they stole my bagel and ran off with it and now this second year is staring at me and im terrified help their friend has a red eye

 

[ultimate yassifier]: if their friend has a red eye that’s probably nagito in 77-b. hes also ultimate lucky student

[ultimate yassifier]: also junko enoshima she/her aromantic asexual fun fact i really like fire

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: enoshima how do u know everyone in this school

[knockoff taylor swift]: sayaka maizono they/she lesbian fun fact im besties w makotos little sister

 

[ultimate yassifier]: thats a secret ill never tell

[ultimate yassifier]: xoxo gossip girl

 

[gotcha bitch]: xoxo gossip girl

 

[ultimate yassifier]: kirigiri i always knew u were a person of culture

[ultimate yassifier]: i felt it in my soul

[ultimate yassifier]: the knowledge that theres someone like me in this class of hellspawn

 

[gotcha bitch]: pls oml…

[gotcha bitch]: kyoko kirigiri, they/them enby, pansexual demisexual

[gotcha bitch]: fun fact im friends with mikan tsumiki in 77-b bc shes the ultimate nurse. she knows a fantastic amount about murder

 

[will take ur money]: yoko honey are you aware of how suspicious that sounds

 

[gotcha bitch]: yes. next question

 

[will take ur money]: celestia ludenburg she/red (if u need help using red/reds just lmk idm explaining) agender queer

[will take ur money]: fun fact that ruined my childhood and will now ruin urs the cookie monster is actually called sid. traumatising i know

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: thanks i hate it. can we all collectively agree to omit that knowledge from our minds

 

[ultimate yassifier]: agreed celeste ur done

 

[will take ur money]: awesome. enoshima doesn’t fuck knows what sex is and maizono fucks and knows what sex is thank u for ur time

 

[ultimate yassifier]: this is a hate crime if i didn’t feel inherently disgusted whenever anyone even suggests doing the nasty together i would totally fuck

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: r u sure about that.

 

[tell them naegi]: HELPAFJIAHGAHGA

[tell them naegi]: THE SECOND YEAR CAME UP AND INTRODUCED THEMSELVES

[tell them naegi]: ‘hi im nagito komaeda. i saw u had a bagel do u know where u got it. also why did ur friend run off with it my friend thinks that’s weird’

 

[can speak english]: toko fukawa she/it syo uses she/he. im omnisexual and syo is bi. fun fact komaru naegi is better than all of u and that is an astute fact

 

[tell them naegi]: gonna tell her u said that. it’s gonna make her day

[tell them naegi]: update kuwata can i add my sister. i hate to say it but she’s cool

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: omg little naegi. yes pls. fukawa u get nickname privileges bc otherwise naegi will name her smth mean

 

[tell them naegi]: rude. ur right i would have done that

 

[tell them naegi] added [komaru naegi] to [unnamed groupchat]

[can speak english] set [komaru naegi]’s nickname to [self-proclaimed otaku]

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: that reminds me we need to name this chat

 

[jared 19]: to what. dumbfuck

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: words hurt mondo </3

 

[jared 19]: i know that that’s why i use them

 

[tell them naegi]: KOMARU INTRO

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: go suck togamis dick makoto im literally typing it

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: WOAH is this relationship drama

[typical ball enjoyer]: i like relationship drama pls tell me everything

 

[material gworlll]: why is naegi sucking my dick? why would i even let a plebeian suck my dick in the first place? think before you speak fool

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: hi im komaru naegi and i have just realised im in a groupchat with sixteen ultimates and that scares me my pronouns are she/her and i enjoy kissing women because i am a lesbian

[self-proclaimed otaku]: fun fact makoto pissed the bed until fifth grade

 

[tell them naegi]: KOMARU THAT IS NOT A FUN FACT

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: i have just recognised the potential that komaru has being in this groupchat. give us all the dirt u have on ur sibling stat

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: hes spent at least 5000 yen on genshin impact and has c3 albedo + more

[self-proclaimed otaku]: they talk to me about their feelings frequently and i think they need a therapist

[self-proclaimed otaku]: i could tell yall who his crush is but given theyre in here i wont be that mean

 

[tell them naegi]: komaru im going to wring ur neck

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: oh please dont do that i have an art history essay due tomorrow that i wouldnt be able to do if i was in hospital

 

[thirty percent]: oh never mind then im going to close this back down

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: damn. rejected

 

[thirty percent]: anyways yoyoyo im yasuhiro hagakure he/him and the token straight… fun fact the london underground smells like if question marks were a scent

[thirty percent]: i know this because i got a commission in london once and they paid for a flight. england isnt very nice in general i don’t recommend it

 

[material gworlll]: what do you mean… london is very nice

 

[thirty percent]: that’s bcuz ur a rich kid. u got to stay at all the fancy hotels with good service

[thirty percent]: i bet u never went to the funky smelling places. rich arse

 

[material gworlll]: youre just jealous that you could never

[material gworlll]: byakuya togami he/it demiboy gay. fun fact i am better than all of you!

 

[tell them naegi]: togami please never use an exclamation mark ever again it sounds far too optimistic and you’re an asshole. thanks

 

[material gworlll]: you might as well tell me to fuck off at this point naegi

 

[tell them naegi]: okay then

[tell them naegi]: fuck off togami <33

 

[material gworlll]: no

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: they fuck each other

 

[will take ur money]: help me genuinely. how do they not know

 

[requires jesus]: sometimes i have thoughts. many of those thoughts are about animated women

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: same

 

[requires jesus]: ah i see. a fellow person of culture i knew the naegi family had something good going for them

 

[tell them naegi]: am i literally not the ultimate luck in the family?? hello where is my recognition

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: makoto full offense /j but u won a draw to get here and i wholeheartedly believe that ur actual talent is just turning people friend-shaped

 

[requires jesus]: i am hifumi yamada the ultimate fanfic creator – i use he/him and i also seem to be a token straight. im not against lgbt people tho i watched voltron /lh

 

[muscle partner]: Do Not Cite The Ancient Magic To Me, Witch. I Was There When It Was Written.

[muscle partner]: sakura ogami they/them enby lesbian. fun fact voltron was an amazing show and im tired of pretending its not.

[muscle partner]: anyway back to lurking. you lot are incredibly entertaining.

 

[jared 19]: what the FUCK

 

[requires jesus]: mx ogami that was terrifying.

[requires jesus]: i am utterly. what the hell that was so scary

 

[muscle partner]: i’m still pissed off that the creators queerbaited us with klance but you know. they were basically canon anywyas and i can turn to ao3 for copium

 

[can speak english]: fanfiction is the only medium of literature that isn’t novels that i’ll tolerate

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: manga hater.

 

[swims unironically]: i don’t think any of you understand how much i miss pidge.

[swims unironically]: at the beginning i thought she was trans and i got so excited but nah. just a gal frauding her way into an elite school for space cadets

[swims unironically]: sup im aoi asahina i use she/her im panromantic asexual

[swims unironically]: my fun fact is that the first time that i met an english person it was at a competition internationally and they pronounced my first name ‘owie’ THAT’S NOT HOW U SAY IT

 

[ran in the halls once]: Honestly, Europeans concern me

[ran in the halls once]: I’m Kiyotaka Ishimaru. I use he/him pronouns and I identify as bisexual and polyamorous

[ran in the halls once]: Fun fact – Carrots can turn your skin orange if you eat enough of them

 

[jared 19]: taka please

[jared 19]: turn off autocaps ur killing me here

 

[ultimate yassifier]: and the punctuation omg

[ultimate yassifier]: flashbacks to b4 i convinced mukuro to turn their auto caps off

[ultimate yassifier]: it was a dark time

 

[woof woof bark bark]: junko please just let that go

[woof woof bark bark]: its so embarrassing

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: muku ill be honest it was so horrific

[knockoff taylor swift]: can we get a collective thank u junko for getting them to turn it off

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: tnx junko <3 we don’t need two ishimarus

 

[woof woof bark bark]: don’t test me baseball boy. i know why my nickname is what it is and i am fully prepared to end your life

[woof woof bark bark]: anyways hi im mukuro ikusaba. im a they/them agender person and i am demiromantic asexual. fun fact i own four huskies back home and i miss them.

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: ive met the huskies. theyre adorable and i want to take them home with me

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: pls don’t kill me ikusaba ur scary as shit

 

[woof woof bark bark]: ha.

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: is this normal for you guys

 

[tell them naegi]: yes it is

[tell them naegi]: they get terrifying sometimes… enoshima is SCARY when shes mad.

[tell them naegi]: she got me quivering in my booties

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: lol baby

 

[tell them naegi]: ?!?! bullying alert!??!

 

[ultimate yassifier]: oh good im scary!

[ultimate yassifier]: mukuro sets the scary standard for the family so i gotta live up to their example

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: nws shawty. u defo meet that standard

 

[ultimate yassifier]: cheers!

 

[tell them naegi]: hello are we all going to ignore that my little sister is bullying me!?!

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: yes lol. its funny

 

[woof woof bark bark]: i mean the dogs do add to the fear factor

[woof woof bark bark]: little does the majority of the world know they like playing with laser pointers and squeaky cactus toys

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: again. i miss ur dogs muku can we go to ur place this weekend

 

[woof woof bark bark]: depends

[woof woof bark bark]: kirigiri do u think ur dad will let us out

 

[gotcha bitch]: idk man i hate the guy

[gotcha bitch]: he probably will tho

[gotcha bitch]: i don’t see why he wouldn’t yk

 

[woof woof bark bark]: neat

 

[tell them naegi]: komaeda update

[tell them naegi]: i took him to get a bagel and he introduced me to his friend hinata

[tell them naegi]: hes in the reserve course apparently but he tutors 77-b and stays in the dorms bc of his twin sibling kamukura

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: naegi how do u get urself into these situations

 

[tell them naegi]: idk i think i just attract plot

[tell them naegi]: i have protagonist energy <33

 

[gotcha bitch]: there is so much to unpack in that komaeda update

[gotcha bitch]: how is he friends with a reserve course kid? why does said reserve course kid live on the main campus? why does he tutor 77-b? why did komaeda want a bagel so bad? and how on earth does kamukura just casually have a twin brother? im so confused and my entire talent is not being confused

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: HELP ultimate detective who i only know ultimate confused enby

 

[jared 19]: what in the utter fuck

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: izuru kamukura is so cool im sorry

[dumbbell enthusiast]: theyre the ultimate hope hello? their entire talent is like,,, hope

 

[ran in the halls once]: I’d expect you to know things like that, Fujisaki.

[ran in the halls once]: I have a question, though

 

[jared 19]: this is so fuckign painful pls stop

 

[ran in the halls once]: No. Autocaps are imperative in maintaining proper grammar through texts and therefore helping to retain an accurate impression of my character

 

[material gworlll]: ishimaru i care about my reputation more than i care about most things but u don’t see me using autocaps

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: this is sso funny oh my god

[knockoff taylor swift]: ‘imperative’ im cartwheeling

 

[material gworlll]: what does that even mean

 

[knockoff taylor swift]: priss lmao

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: i feel like we’re getting off topic

[dumbbell enthusiast]: what was your question ishimaru? :)

 

[self-proclaimed otaku]: why was that smile so passive-aggressive for no reason

 

[tell them naegi]: no bc ur so right…

[tell them naegi]: that smile was like

[tell them naegi]: ‘this is ur last question before u die. choose wisely BITCH’

 

[ran in the halls once]: Ah, I just wanted to know – how do you (and Enoshima) have this much information on various students?

 

[ultimate yassifier]: im friends with literally everyone

[ultimate yassifier]: i love people theyre so fun to mess with /hj

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: i have access to the student registry and restricted files etc

[dumbbell enthusiast]: in case of emergency and they need emergency re-encryption

[dumbbell enthusiast]: bc yk. ultimate programmer

 

[ran in the halls once]: Ah, that makes a lot of sense.

[ran in the halls once]: Thank you for telling me!

 

[dumbbell enthusiast]: no problem! :3

[dumbbell enthusiast]: and before you ask, no, owada, i’m not giving you access to the restricted section

 

[jared 19]: ah fuck thats annoying

 

[typical ball enjoyer]: i have concluded something major from this interaction

 

[ultimate yassifier]: ooh do tell

 

[typical ball enjoyer]:

 

[ultimate yassifier]: LMAOOOOO

[ultimate yassifier]: nono bc its so accurate too?

[ultimate yassifier]: hes defo buttfucked with [redacted] on multiple occasions but there is No Way he knows what sex is

 

[jared 19]: did u actually just censor urself

 

[ultimate yassifier]: would u rather me tell everyone who ishimarus been doing the nasty with

 

[jared 19]: yeah no never mind. continue

 

[ultimate yassifier]: that’s what i thought

 

[ran in the halls once] set group name to [Class 78-A]

 

[will take ur money]: i preferred unnamed groupchat

 

[will take ur money] changed group name to [hell (real)]

 

[will take ur money]: better no?

 

[tell them naegi]: accurate

 

[ran in the halls once]: I KNOW WHAT SEX IS!