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A Pissing Contest

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A video montage played of five contestants approaching the toilet to find their task on the mirror above the sink. 

 

"Have a wee without using your hands. You may not drip on the seat, the floor, or any other visible surfaces. Most inventive wee wins. You have twenty minutes. Your time starts now."

 

The cameras cut back to Greg in the studio, backed by a roaring crowd.

 

"I asked Alex a few months ago how he pisses without using his hands. Now maybe he's got extraordinary aim," Greg paused for laughs, "which I think we can all agree is not the correct answer. Knowing Alex like I do, he probably built some sort of ridiculously overcomplicated contraption instead of just sitting down."

 

Ed fell off his chair, wheezing with laughter. 

 

"Before revealing how he does it, I tasked these five comedians to have a wee without using their hands. They were also instructed not to make a mess, and I'm telling you now, if I see even a drop spilt, I will be deducting points. Shall we see how they did?"

 

Alex flushed bright red. 

 

"Yes, please. Shall we start with Kerry, Liza, and the great outdoors?"

 

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Kerry built a female urinal using a funnel from the kitchen and a water pitcher that will never be used again. She then took herself behind a bush with a camera strapped to her forehead and did her business. There was a soft sound of water falling into a bottle, then a zip, and she emerged from the bush, pleased with herself. 

 

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Liza went to the shed in search of digging materials. She found a shovel and made her way into the woods, picking a spot next to a nice big tree. 

 

"Now, this isn't usually necessary for a simple wee but I don't want to spill a single drop. So I've dug out a hole and shall return when I'm finished using my toilet. Bye now. Off you pop."

 

She sent away the camera crew and went to do her business. 

 

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"Alright, sensible, not overly exciting," Greg commented. "A hole in the bottle, a hole in the woods. You were all told not to piss on the ground. Liza did exactly that."

 

"It wasn't the ground, that was my toilet. A ditch of my own design."

 

"Sure, the high dirt is ground but the low dirt isn't. Makes sense, last place."

 

Liza scoffed in annoyance. 

 

"I particularly enjoyed how pleased Kerry was with herself after pissing in a bottle. Men do it all the time. Not a particularly exciting pastime for us. Bish bash bosh. Done."

 

"Men do it all the time?" asked Richard in a high pitched voice. 

 

"Greg certainly does," responded Ed. "A proper savage."  

 

Greg didn't seem bothered by this comment. 

 

"And of course you've never done it, Ed. Certainly not whilst in a friend's hot tub, drunk on his expensive whiskey."

 

Ed burst into laughter. 

 

"If I don't remember it, it didn't happen."

 

"Right, who's next?"

 

"Next we're going to see two rambunctious young folks and one little boy. Here's Ed, Lou, and Richard!" 

 

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Ed stayed in the toilet where he read the task and asked Alex to aim for him. Alex flushed bright red and stammered. 

 

"C'mon Alex, you're an assistant. Assist."

 

"I- uh- I am the taskmaster's assistant."

 

"Oh, so you'll do this for Greg but not me? Rude." Ed turned to the crew. "Alright, who wants to hold my dick? Any takers?"

 

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Richard dropped a few Cheerios in the toilet. "Cheerio game. Works wonders for little boys. Want to join? I bet I can hit more Cheerios than you."

 

Alex smiled for a moment behind his tablet, then went back to deadpan. 

 

"Are you challenging me to a pissing contest?"

 

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Lou giggled as she read the task. 

 

"Right, I'm going to need a strap on. Have you got one of those?"

 

"Have I-? 

 

"Have you got a strap on?"

 

"N-no. No."

 

"Can you get me one?"

 

"You want me to buy you a-?"

 

"A strap on, yes. And could you do it in less than twenty minutes? I'm going to look for a beef skewer to poke a hole in it so I can piss like a man."

 

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Back in the studio, Greg was crying with laughter. When he managed to speak, his voice was high pitched and cracking. 

 

"The look on his face! Hahahahahahaha! I genuinely can't breathe. Oh my. Did Alex purchase you a fake dick so you could, and I quote, 'piss like a man'? All of this is going to be unbroadcastable." He burst into hysterical giggles. 

 

"And Richard, a pissing contest. Alex was right. What a little boy!"

 

Richard blushed and responded, "I had a very fun time filming that task."

 

Greg smirked. 

 

"Well you're welcome to come over and play with Alex any time."

 

Alex and Richard responded at the same time. "Thank you, Daddy."

 

"Ed. Pull yourself together. If you're so desperate to have Alex touch your dick, just ask me!" 

 

A loud chuckle burst forth from Ed's mouth. 

 

"Now," said Greg, turning to Alex, "do you use a strap on to piss without using your hands?"

 

Alex's face was beet red as he shook his head in the negative. 

 

"Which contestant completed the task in a way most similar to your own?"

 

Alex was silent for a moment. 

 

"I don't want any explanation, just a name."

 

"Can I give an explanation?"

 

"Just a name. Don't make me repeat myself a third time. Give me a na-"

 

"Kerry." 

 

"-me." 

 

The contestants roared with laughter. 

 

"That's all, let's move on to the next task."